Trying to understand adolescent 'stepkids'
July 23, 2015 7:49 AM Subscribe
I sometimes spend time w/ my SO's kids. (late teens, boy and girl) Sometimes things are smooth, sometimes rocky, mostly kind of polite, but awkward.
Guess these things can't be forced. Their Mom had many years to bond, and can weather the rough seas. I am coming in late, and the kids are beginning their way out the door. But I am always flummoxed when observing their occasional withdrawn silences, non-communication, or low-level aggressive haranguing; to the Mom, sometimes to me. Boy and girl have extremely different personalities! I show Mom support; but I lack official standing, long term credibility and trust? Then again, they must see we have a close relationship they will never really be a part of. Am still largely an unknown. So I always try to stay even, talk to them as adults, be interested in their concerns, listen. Never lose my cool, but never try to be 'cool' or phony. This seems passive, and feels fruitless.
Guess these things can't be forced. Their Mom had many years to bond, and can weather the rough seas. I am coming in late, and the kids are beginning their way out the door. But I am always flummoxed when observing their occasional withdrawn silences, non-communication, or low-level aggressive haranguing; to the Mom, sometimes to me. Boy and girl have extremely different personalities! I show Mom support; but I lack official standing, long term credibility and trust? Then again, they must see we have a close relationship they will never really be a part of. Am still largely an unknown. So I always try to stay even, talk to them as adults, be interested in their concerns, listen. Never lose my cool, but never try to be 'cool' or phony. This seems passive, and feels fruitless.
Boy and girl have extremely different personalities!
Yep. People are like that.
I highlight this because there isn't going to be a one-size-fits-all answer here. You're going to have to get to know each of them and build individual relationships. There isn't a "do this to relate to adolescent step-kids" method.
posted by chainsofreedom at 7:58 AM on July 23, 2015 [3 favorites]
Yep. People are like that.
I highlight this because there isn't going to be a one-size-fits-all answer here. You're going to have to get to know each of them and build individual relationships. There isn't a "do this to relate to adolescent step-kids" method.
posted by chainsofreedom at 7:58 AM on July 23, 2015 [3 favorites]
I think your approach to this is right. Your description of "occasional withdrawn silences, non-communication, or low-level aggressive haranguing" sounds basically like every single teenager in the world. Unless you're leaving something out, it doesn't feel like there are any particular red flags in your relationship with the kids -- they're just being completely normal teenagers.
I would give it some time, and just be aware that you may not ever form a particularly close relationship with these kids -- and that's ok. Friends of mine whose parents remarried later in life (i.e. as teens or older, rather than when they were young kids) I think often look at the new spouse as someone they might like or tolerate but not as a "step-parent." As long as everyone can remain mostly friendly and polite, I think it's a win. I do think the awkwardness will probably decrease as you guys get to know each other, and the teenager behavior will improve as they're no longer teens and move out of the house.
posted by rainbowbrite at 8:02 AM on July 23, 2015 [4 favorites]
I would give it some time, and just be aware that you may not ever form a particularly close relationship with these kids -- and that's ok. Friends of mine whose parents remarried later in life (i.e. as teens or older, rather than when they were young kids) I think often look at the new spouse as someone they might like or tolerate but not as a "step-parent." As long as everyone can remain mostly friendly and polite, I think it's a win. I do think the awkwardness will probably decrease as you guys get to know each other, and the teenager behavior will improve as they're no longer teens and move out of the house.
posted by rainbowbrite at 8:02 AM on July 23, 2015 [4 favorites]
I see nothing unusual here considering it is the behavior of teenagers. Honestly, you could be the biological father to these children in a healthy marriage to the biological mother of the children and still find yourself wanting to ask questions about why your kids go silent some times or act sullen or grumpy.
This is comes with the territory. Just don't force things and be a good partner to their mother and be a good adult role model.
posted by mmascolino at 8:04 AM on July 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
This is comes with the territory. Just don't force things and be a good partner to their mother and be a good adult role model.
posted by mmascolino at 8:04 AM on July 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
Teenagers being dicks to their parents is pretty much the resting state of teenagers. You're doing fine. It's not "passive", it's letting them mature into functional adult human beings in their own way. Trying to force that will screw up you, them, and the relationship between you and them.
posted by Etrigan at 8:08 AM on July 23, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by Etrigan at 8:08 AM on July 23, 2015 [5 favorites]
How long have you been in their lives? Remember that building relationships takes real, serious time, especially when there are obstacles to overcome such as divided loyalties, family restructuring, etc.
Think of your relationships with them like fruit trees. They can take many, many years after being planted (or moved) to bear fruit. Maybe they never will. But you tend them, and protect them, and see what happens, and be happy that they are there anyway.
posted by greenish at 8:09 AM on July 23, 2015 [3 favorites]
Think of your relationships with them like fruit trees. They can take many, many years after being planted (or moved) to bear fruit. Maybe they never will. But you tend them, and protect them, and see what happens, and be happy that they are there anyway.
posted by greenish at 8:09 AM on July 23, 2015 [3 favorites]
You're doing fine. Seconding mmascolino that your #1 job here is just to be a good partner to their mom and to model a healthy relationship and good adult behavior for them. Seeing their mom be loved, valued, and supported for who she is as her own person outside of simply being their mom will be good for them.
As for the kids themselves, they sound like they're doing fine and that you're doing fine with them. The most helpful thing to remember with kids is that a lot of the things they're feeling they're feeling for the first time (and particularly with teenagers since you get the added benefit of fun hormones to intensify everything and make it better/worse) without the benefit of years of lived experience to put it in context.
Don't belittle their feelings or opinions. Even if they say something that sounds gobsmackingly stupid to you, roll with it. When you're young and figuring life out, everything is new and important, and having some adult swoop in and tell you you'll feel different or it's not going to matter when you're 30 is really useless, unnecessary, and a little offensive.
posted by phunniemee at 8:15 AM on July 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
As for the kids themselves, they sound like they're doing fine and that you're doing fine with them. The most helpful thing to remember with kids is that a lot of the things they're feeling they're feeling for the first time (and particularly with teenagers since you get the added benefit of fun hormones to intensify everything and make it better/worse) without the benefit of years of lived experience to put it in context.
Don't belittle their feelings or opinions. Even if they say something that sounds gobsmackingly stupid to you, roll with it. When you're young and figuring life out, everything is new and important, and having some adult swoop in and tell you you'll feel different or it's not going to matter when you're 30 is really useless, unnecessary, and a little offensive.
posted by phunniemee at 8:15 AM on July 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
Sounds like you are doing perfectly.
Two tips, based on my nephew when his mom got married at the end of his teens.
-Don't get involved or make recommendations about how she spends money on the teens or for them. It is none of your business if she is or is not helping them out with tuition, buying a car, or whatever.
-Don't monopolize her time. They still need time with her alone, without you. That's important for them even if they don't realize it. Don't make a point about it, just make sure that they have time with her when you are not there, as well as time with all of you together.
You might try to occasionally do some activity with them alone, without her. So that it's not just you and the kids sitting in a room alone. A shopping trip for her birthday, a project of some sort, a non-extravagant thing that the are interested in.
Good luck, (but you are doing fine!)
posted by SLC Mom at 8:15 AM on July 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
Two tips, based on my nephew when his mom got married at the end of his teens.
-Don't get involved or make recommendations about how she spends money on the teens or for them. It is none of your business if she is or is not helping them out with tuition, buying a car, or whatever.
-Don't monopolize her time. They still need time with her alone, without you. That's important for them even if they don't realize it. Don't make a point about it, just make sure that they have time with her when you are not there, as well as time with all of you together.
You might try to occasionally do some activity with them alone, without her. So that it's not just you and the kids sitting in a room alone. A shopping trip for her birthday, a project of some sort, a non-extravagant thing that the are interested in.
Good luck, (but you are doing fine!)
posted by SLC Mom at 8:15 AM on July 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
As a stepmom of one (albeit, came into family when she was younger, she's now a teenager) I came to the conclusion that my status (early on) was most similar to being a visiting aunt (and not the favorite aunt.) Like, the kid must be thinking "who is this person? I know I have to be polite and I'm supposed to love her, but she's really just in the way! It'd be so much more comfortable if she wasn't here!)
Sounds like you're doing great!
I have three specific strategies that've worked for us (one is my own, the other two were Mr Vitabellosi's):
1. Get absorbed in a cool project in a public space (kitchen island is my go to) in the house sometimes. Make it something that might elicit curiosity from teens walking by. Be friendly and inviting, but don't try to force participation (my favorite was making cupcakes and then opening up different frosting options and toppings.) If the teens get interested in having a cupcake, suggest they frost one themselves - but if they just want to grab a finished one and go, let them. If they stick around, don't expect them to help clean up. If they offer, give them a tiny distinct task and let them off the hook ex. Could you put this bowl in the sink for me? Thanks! I'll wash it later!
Painting birdhouses (raw ones from the craft store) is another one - but it's important to have the base coat on already - because waiting for it to dry to get to the decorating is boring.
2. Mr v gave me the task of making lunch before school, and I'm usually the pick up person from sports, so that kid sees me coming through for her. Not sure what you can do for teens on a regular basis, but your efforts are noticed and appreciated in the long game. Be on time, and be cheerful even if they make you wait.
3. Mr v told me explicitly : YOU have to always be the one who understands her point of view. You don't always have to advocate for what she wants, but you should always voice that you can understand where she's coming from. Contradict me in front of her; I give you permission. You have no standing as a step parent, but you can be her ally. Luckily, Mr v is a great parent and problem solver, so if I say "Babe, I can see kid's point. Can you at least let her...blah blah blah?" If it's not a health and safety issue, he'll negotiate with her, and I'll be her negotiating partner.
Mr v has even been known to tell her one-on-one "vitabellosi was pretty upset with me for raising my voice to you. She always has your back, you know. She was right, and I'm sorry...." (Even when that didn't pass between us, ie. when I hadn't given him heck.)
By the time you figure this out, they'll have changed as people and you'll have to get your footing again. But it's your willingness to not know what to do, to become comfortable with the ambiguity, that will win out.
posted by vitabellosi at 8:30 AM on July 23, 2015 [6 favorites]
Sounds like you're doing great!
I have three specific strategies that've worked for us (one is my own, the other two were Mr Vitabellosi's):
1. Get absorbed in a cool project in a public space (kitchen island is my go to) in the house sometimes. Make it something that might elicit curiosity from teens walking by. Be friendly and inviting, but don't try to force participation (my favorite was making cupcakes and then opening up different frosting options and toppings.) If the teens get interested in having a cupcake, suggest they frost one themselves - but if they just want to grab a finished one and go, let them. If they stick around, don't expect them to help clean up. If they offer, give them a tiny distinct task and let them off the hook ex. Could you put this bowl in the sink for me? Thanks! I'll wash it later!
Painting birdhouses (raw ones from the craft store) is another one - but it's important to have the base coat on already - because waiting for it to dry to get to the decorating is boring.
2. Mr v gave me the task of making lunch before school, and I'm usually the pick up person from sports, so that kid sees me coming through for her. Not sure what you can do for teens on a regular basis, but your efforts are noticed and appreciated in the long game. Be on time, and be cheerful even if they make you wait.
3. Mr v told me explicitly : YOU have to always be the one who understands her point of view. You don't always have to advocate for what she wants, but you should always voice that you can understand where she's coming from. Contradict me in front of her; I give you permission. You have no standing as a step parent, but you can be her ally. Luckily, Mr v is a great parent and problem solver, so if I say "Babe, I can see kid's point. Can you at least let her...blah blah blah?" If it's not a health and safety issue, he'll negotiate with her, and I'll be her negotiating partner.
Mr v has even been known to tell her one-on-one "vitabellosi was pretty upset with me for raising my voice to you. She always has your back, you know. She was right, and I'm sorry...." (Even when that didn't pass between us, ie. when I hadn't given him heck.)
By the time you figure this out, they'll have changed as people and you'll have to get your footing again. But it's your willingness to not know what to do, to become comfortable with the ambiguity, that will win out.
posted by vitabellosi at 8:30 AM on July 23, 2015 [6 favorites]
I came to the conclusion that my status (early on) was most similar to being a visiting aunt (and not the favorite aunt.) Like, the kid must be thinking "who is this person? I know I have to be polite and I'm supposed to love her, but she's really just in the way! It'd be so much more comfortable if she wasn't here!)
By the way, I shared this perspective with her when we were reflecting on our relationship recently and she had a hardy laugh. I know, from her response, that I NAILED it. And she appreciates it. And me. (For now.)
posted by vitabellosi at 8:35 AM on July 23, 2015
By the way, I shared this perspective with her when we were reflecting on our relationship recently and she had a hardy laugh. I know, from her response, that I NAILED it. And she appreciates it. And me. (For now.)
posted by vitabellosi at 8:35 AM on July 23, 2015
My parents divorced when I was in 8th grade and while neither has remarried, I have some perspective on this. When they are already that age, you'll never really be a parent to them. I would never consider someone at that point capable of being my parent because you've missed too much. You're probably someone I'll tolerate and maybe come to like, but I may never love you and never consider you my family, or I might. You're someone who my parent likes and that's cool, but that doesn't mean I have any particular loyalty towards you. It may develop over time, but also may not. Especially if they're leaving soon for college, it may seem pointless to try to develop some relationship from their perspective
posted by Aranquis at 9:11 AM on July 23, 2015
posted by Aranquis at 9:11 AM on July 23, 2015
My parents divorced when I was in 8th grade and while neither has remarried, I have some perspective on this. When they are already that age, you'll never really be a parent to them.
I was just coming in to actually say something different - clearly each relationship is a different world of factors and circumstances mixing into experiences. My dad (who is my step-dad) did become my parent and still is these 23 or so years later. It took time and love and a lot of laughter (because what else can be done with teenagers). Not sure what your specific question is, but be kind, love their mom, and let their mom be their mom, give them time and attention, remember that they were there before you and may always be your partner's #1 and that should be ok with you. Competitions for attention are not what grows a family together - love, support, patience, respect, humor, and (imo) maine blueberry pie do.
posted by anya32 at 9:29 AM on July 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
I was just coming in to actually say something different - clearly each relationship is a different world of factors and circumstances mixing into experiences. My dad (who is my step-dad) did become my parent and still is these 23 or so years later. It took time and love and a lot of laughter (because what else can be done with teenagers). Not sure what your specific question is, but be kind, love their mom, and let their mom be their mom, give them time and attention, remember that they were there before you and may always be your partner's #1 and that should be ok with you. Competitions for attention are not what grows a family together - love, support, patience, respect, humor, and (imo) maine blueberry pie do.
posted by anya32 at 9:29 AM on July 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
Just accept that you're never going to be a "happy family." Seriously, ever. A lot of post-divorce people have a fantasy of "a new family" and unless the kids are under 5, it will really never be the same. If your girlfriend is pushing that, she has misguided expectations.
You should aim like between teacher and uncle.
posted by quincunx at 10:31 AM on July 23, 2015
You should aim like between teacher and uncle.
posted by quincunx at 10:31 AM on July 23, 2015
I am divorced, my parents divorced and I have 18, 19, and 20 yo children. I am not sure your question, but my A advice is to change the time frame you view the relationship with the kids. You are playing the long game. Keep doing what you are doing; be supportive and loving to their birth parent. You will see dividends in a few years as the kids themselves mature. They will recognize and appreciate you being a steady influence to their parent and a non disruptive influence to them.
Fwiw, my mother got remarried when I was first year in college. My stepfather is 91 and quite honestly on his last lap. His kids whom I only knew as 20+ yo adults have already asked me to speak at his funeral when he dies. I consider it a HUGE honor. I was a surly 17 yo teen when I first met him. I am quite sure he patiently put up with a decent amount from me and my siblings.
If you are respectful to the kids, listen without too much judgement, are not trying to be "kewl" and above else treat their parent with respect and love, you will be a positive influence on their lives even if you don't get that feedback until years from now.
posted by AugustWest at 11:32 AM on July 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
Fwiw, my mother got remarried when I was first year in college. My stepfather is 91 and quite honestly on his last lap. His kids whom I only knew as 20+ yo adults have already asked me to speak at his funeral when he dies. I consider it a HUGE honor. I was a surly 17 yo teen when I first met him. I am quite sure he patiently put up with a decent amount from me and my siblings.
If you are respectful to the kids, listen without too much judgement, are not trying to be "kewl" and above else treat their parent with respect and love, you will be a positive influence on their lives even if you don't get that feedback until years from now.
posted by AugustWest at 11:32 AM on July 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
I showed up in my partner's life when his kids were 6, 8, and 12. The only rule of thumb that seems relevant in hindsight is, yes, the younger they are when they meet you tends to translate to to more natural integration into their lives. Of the three, only the youngest (who is now 14) calls me his stepdad to his peers. To the other two I'm "dad's partner." Both are fine and accurate! The oldest had a tough time with it (I'm a dude, so meeting me also coincided with dad's official coming out). The oldest, who is now 20, took a couple years to get out of feeling embarrassed about having a gay dad with a gay partner. We caught him once telling a friend that I was his uncle, which put us in a very unpleasant situation when that friend saw us kiss (duh) and led to all sorts of weirdness. Aside from early instances like that, in which kids have to figure out for themselves how they will deal with having additional authority figures in their lives and sometimes make bad kid-brain judgments that backfire or fail or spin out of control, everything's been normal. You just sort of go with the flow and correct it when you feeling it veering out of your comfort zone. You are, after all, an adult to their child.
Someone above suggested to aim "between teacher and uncle." Hm, maybe? I feel like I ended up aiming for "I am myself, and I am probably a little bit cooler than your mom or dad." They gravitated toward me for different reasons, but they all seem more comfortable admitting things to me than either of their biological parents, because I'm not their biological parent. People so often focus on the downsides of being a step-parent, but this (and other things) are definite upsides to the position.
I had to adjust to them as much as they had to adjust to me, and of course it's sometimes rocky just as is biological parenthood. I still remember the first time I told the oldest to "Watch your fucking mouth," which at the time stunned us both. He was 14 and was starting to develop a sailor mouth around his mom, in a household (mom's) where that was very much verboten; that was my first indication that I had a kind of upper hand in dealing with him because I was willing to cross boundaries his parents weren't to keep the peace. That sort of thing has earned me a very different kind of respect from these kids, a kind that is not usually granted to parents until children are much older and realize that their parents are human and mortal and fallible.
You know all this deep down, but you're still in that initial period where everything is a little weird and new. Don't sweat it. There's no standard way this is supposed to unfurl, but you're more in control of how your relationship develops than you suspect.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 12:00 PM on July 23, 2015
Someone above suggested to aim "between teacher and uncle." Hm, maybe? I feel like I ended up aiming for "I am myself, and I am probably a little bit cooler than your mom or dad." They gravitated toward me for different reasons, but they all seem more comfortable admitting things to me than either of their biological parents, because I'm not their biological parent. People so often focus on the downsides of being a step-parent, but this (and other things) are definite upsides to the position.
I had to adjust to them as much as they had to adjust to me, and of course it's sometimes rocky just as is biological parenthood. I still remember the first time I told the oldest to "Watch your fucking mouth," which at the time stunned us both. He was 14 and was starting to develop a sailor mouth around his mom, in a household (mom's) where that was very much verboten; that was my first indication that I had a kind of upper hand in dealing with him because I was willing to cross boundaries his parents weren't to keep the peace. That sort of thing has earned me a very different kind of respect from these kids, a kind that is not usually granted to parents until children are much older and realize that their parents are human and mortal and fallible.
You know all this deep down, but you're still in that initial period where everything is a little weird and new. Don't sweat it. There's no standard way this is supposed to unfurl, but you're more in control of how your relationship develops than you suspect.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 12:00 PM on July 23, 2015
their occasional withdrawn silences, non-communication, or low-level aggressive haranguing
Welcome to teenagers. You sounds like you're doing OK. As they grow up, move out, go to college/get a job, enter their 20s, they will mature and be more like normal people.
So I always try to stay even, talk to them as adults, be interested in their concerns, listen. Never lose my cool, but never try to be 'cool' or phony.This seems passive, and feels fruitless.
This is exactly the right thing to do. Show them you're an OK guy, you love their mum, and they will come round eventually (see above re: maturing).
posted by EndsOfInvention at 1:49 PM on July 23, 2015
Welcome to teenagers. You sounds like you're doing OK. As they grow up, move out, go to college/get a job, enter their 20s, they will mature and be more like normal people.
So I always try to stay even, talk to them as adults, be interested in their concerns, listen. Never lose my cool, but never try to be 'cool' or phony.
This is exactly the right thing to do. Show them you're an OK guy, you love their mum, and they will come round eventually (see above re: maturing).
posted by EndsOfInvention at 1:49 PM on July 23, 2015
Think of it this way, there's no reason on earth they should like you. You're some guy they had zero input on adding to their life and they can't get rid of you. Your presence changes everything about their lives and they get no say in it. So your job is to not EXPECT them to like you. Be yourself, be good to them and to their mother, and maybe you will earn their liking and respect. But don't get all weird about it regardless. Maybe someday they'll think of you as a dad, maybe someday they'll think you're a guy who's been pretty good to their mom, maybe someday they'll think they didn't choose you but you're pretty alright. Either way, it's their decision. Things are awkward, because some stranger coming in to be part of a family is awkward. It'll go away on its own eventually if you don't force it.
posted by MsMolly at 2:18 PM on July 23, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by MsMolly at 2:18 PM on July 23, 2015 [1 favorite]
I have been stepdad/mum's boyfriend to my kids for almost four years. They are both teenagers and one can be safely said to be a young adult. I would recommend Baddulph but I think he doesn't understand game theory, I won't go into that. Frankly, the best thing to do is be patient and where you are 'not good' let your wife take the lead.
Grumbling sometimes need grumbling back.
"Boy, I overslept one time because I stayed up too late. If people want to be upstairs later, I will be in our bedroom. That's a good way of starting a more constructive relationship based on real conversation and inreraction.
posted by parmanparman at 2:54 PM on July 23, 2015
Grumbling sometimes need grumbling back.
"Boy, I overslept one time because I stayed up too late. If people want to be upstairs later, I will be in our bedroom. That's a good way of starting a more constructive relationship based on real conversation and inreraction.
posted by parmanparman at 2:54 PM on July 23, 2015
I have step-daughters that were 14 when I came into their lives, they're now 20.
You'll be astounded by how much they'll change in the next few years - between 17 and 20, they've morphed from "teenage passive grumpy resting state" to "human beings I can have a conversation with".
In the meantime, what's worked for me:
- Take their cue for affection/mood. If they're grumpy/sullen/withdrawn, just be friendly, courteous, but don't try to push conversation etc. Also if they were being "teenagers", I would not withdraw from being in public spaces in the house - I co-existed with them, watching tv, on my laptop, reading - but I was not in their face. Keeping a casual, friendly vibe when they're trying to kill the world with their moody energy is your saviour when it comes to teens!
- Ask them questions when they're feeling chatty - the girls eventually learnt that I was pretty non-judgemental about anything happening to them at school, or dramas with friends. It means that over time, they've come to trust telling me anecdotes about what's going on with them.
- Surprise them occasionally. When one of the girls had her first crush fizzle, I gave her some money to go have a manicure. When I was away in another country, I messaged the other one with pictures of a handbag I thought she may like, and asked if she wanted a gift. This happened randomly, and I think were great little treats for them.
- Be predictable, and honest. Teenagers HATE when adults are inconsistent, I've found - so if I was hormonal/moody/not feeling friendly, I'd go to a different part of the house so they didn't have to tiptoe around me. If you put your foot down on something (pick your battles carefully) - stick to your guns. Be honest when something bothers you, but stay calm and say it matter of factly.
- Laugh with and at them. When I find something funny on the internet, I make sure to show it to them. When they laugh at something I get involved. When they're being melodramatic, I sometimes poke a little fun at them. Small baby steps, but it does cut tension a lot.
- Empathise with them. Tell them about how you hated homework too, and be understanding about crushes and friendship dramas. Try and remember how socially awkward we all felt as teens, and really show them that you care.
In the first 3 years, I would've sworn to you that these kids were never going to accept me - but they're now 20, and even hug me when they greet me! We also plan family outings together, and they even tell me things they wouldn't tell their parents. It's been a long transition, and one that has required BUTTLOADS of patience. Have lots of friends you can vent to, NEVER vent to their mother about it, and stay calm. Good luck!
posted by shazzam! at 10:11 PM on July 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
You'll be astounded by how much they'll change in the next few years - between 17 and 20, they've morphed from "teenage passive grumpy resting state" to "human beings I can have a conversation with".
In the meantime, what's worked for me:
- Take their cue for affection/mood. If they're grumpy/sullen/withdrawn, just be friendly, courteous, but don't try to push conversation etc. Also if they were being "teenagers", I would not withdraw from being in public spaces in the house - I co-existed with them, watching tv, on my laptop, reading - but I was not in their face. Keeping a casual, friendly vibe when they're trying to kill the world with their moody energy is your saviour when it comes to teens!
- Ask them questions when they're feeling chatty - the girls eventually learnt that I was pretty non-judgemental about anything happening to them at school, or dramas with friends. It means that over time, they've come to trust telling me anecdotes about what's going on with them.
- Surprise them occasionally. When one of the girls had her first crush fizzle, I gave her some money to go have a manicure. When I was away in another country, I messaged the other one with pictures of a handbag I thought she may like, and asked if she wanted a gift. This happened randomly, and I think were great little treats for them.
- Be predictable, and honest. Teenagers HATE when adults are inconsistent, I've found - so if I was hormonal/moody/not feeling friendly, I'd go to a different part of the house so they didn't have to tiptoe around me. If you put your foot down on something (pick your battles carefully) - stick to your guns. Be honest when something bothers you, but stay calm and say it matter of factly.
- Laugh with and at them. When I find something funny on the internet, I make sure to show it to them. When they laugh at something I get involved. When they're being melodramatic, I sometimes poke a little fun at them. Small baby steps, but it does cut tension a lot.
- Empathise with them. Tell them about how you hated homework too, and be understanding about crushes and friendship dramas. Try and remember how socially awkward we all felt as teens, and really show them that you care.
In the first 3 years, I would've sworn to you that these kids were never going to accept me - but they're now 20, and even hug me when they greet me! We also plan family outings together, and they even tell me things they wouldn't tell their parents. It's been a long transition, and one that has required BUTTLOADS of patience. Have lots of friends you can vent to, NEVER vent to their mother about it, and stay calm. Good luck!
posted by shazzam! at 10:11 PM on July 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
Honestly, I only started to really like my stepmom once I was in my 20s and could appreciate as an adult that she really did make my dad happy, and that isn't really about anything she did (I mean, she made mistakes as anyone in a new role would, but that wasn't the real issue.) I was very unhappy with my parent's divorce and just didn't want to deal with this strange new woman who took attention away from us and had her own habits that differed from those who'd been a part of our family. Then, I was able to leave for college (such a relief after a few years of moving back and forth between my parents) and just didn't have to see her or my dad that much.
I'm not saying that to discourage you, but rather to reinforce that this is a long-term endeavor and you really should try not to take their attitude personally.
posted by Area Man at 2:51 PM on July 24, 2015
I'm not saying that to discourage you, but rather to reinforce that this is a long-term endeavor and you really should try not to take their attitude personally.
posted by Area Man at 2:51 PM on July 24, 2015
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by cotton dress sock at 7:51 AM on July 23, 2015