How to practice articulating my opinions?
July 19, 2015 5:57 AM Subscribe
I've never been one to enjoy or seek out debate, arguments, or conflict. I'd much rather stay completely neutral and non-reactive when someone says something I question or disagree with. However, I've also never learned how to articulate my opinion when it's called for, and it makes me feel very insecure and resentful. Are there specific strategies that I could try out to practice this skill? It's affecting my relationship with my partner, but is a problem for me in all situations.
My "live and let live" attitude works great! The problem is when I hear or read something I disagree with, I can tell I'm having a strong reaction - I might tense up, feel a tightness in my throat, or generally feel on edge. I typically just try to breathe and let these feelings pass. Related to this, I generally don't express my opinions or beliefs, thinking it's not polite, I don't want to make someone else uncomfortable, I wouldn't know how to say it without hurting their feelings or starting a big argument, etc.
This means I don't get many chances to practice articulating what I do believe. I have a hunch if I found some ways to practice expressing my opinion, it might get less terrifying and I might even develop some ways to do it in a way that's not confrontational but helps to find common ground with others and lets me walk away feeling some level of integrity.
Examples of topics I've recently wanted to express an opinion or belief about, but haven't felt I was capable of articulating anything:
- Government surveillance
- Whether men will think the movie Trainwreck is funny
- The best driving route to take between two locations
As I wrote above, this avoidance of expressing opinions is particularly harmful in my main romantic relationship. My partner expresses his opinions freely and I often feel like I'm the doormat since I avoid disagreeing. He's told me multiple times that he wants me to share my preferences/thoughts but it's uncomfortable for me to do this.
Possibly relevant background: I hold pretty progressive political beliefs but don't really articulate them to myself or others. The only action I take to express them is by voting, which I don't even do every year. I'm in recovery from alcoholism and addiction, and think that my lack of experience in stating my mind is partly because those college years of arguing in dorm rooms about politics or whatever I could have been doing, were instead spent in a haze and avoiding saying anything that might be a "buzzkill". This avoiding speaking my mind has been an issue for me in previous romantic relationships, friendships, social circles, etc., but is very pronounced in this current relationship.
Some ideas I've had on how to try exercising and strengthening my weak "speak up!" skills:
- Begin participating in Metafilter discussions (eek!) even if I think everyone else will already think of the smarter comments
- Say things like "I'm not sure everyone agrees with that" when someone says something I disagree with (maybe kind of passive, but is a way for me to be an 'active listener' without expressing false agreement)
- If someone said something I disagreed with and I didn't say anything at the time, make myself write out later what I think bothered me, instead of just steaming about it and feeling angry at them/resenting myself for not saying anything
- Stating my opinion first in conversations, instead of waiting for others to show how they feel so I can then 'mirror'
Do you all have any other suggestions? Is there a workbook out there that will help me practice articulating what I believe? Other ideas for low-stakes ways I can practice stating what I think without having to feel like I have the most perfect articulate statement, otherwise it's not worth mentioning?
My "live and let live" attitude works great! The problem is when I hear or read something I disagree with, I can tell I'm having a strong reaction - I might tense up, feel a tightness in my throat, or generally feel on edge. I typically just try to breathe and let these feelings pass. Related to this, I generally don't express my opinions or beliefs, thinking it's not polite, I don't want to make someone else uncomfortable, I wouldn't know how to say it without hurting their feelings or starting a big argument, etc.
This means I don't get many chances to practice articulating what I do believe. I have a hunch if I found some ways to practice expressing my opinion, it might get less terrifying and I might even develop some ways to do it in a way that's not confrontational but helps to find common ground with others and lets me walk away feeling some level of integrity.
Examples of topics I've recently wanted to express an opinion or belief about, but haven't felt I was capable of articulating anything:
- Government surveillance
- Whether men will think the movie Trainwreck is funny
- The best driving route to take between two locations
As I wrote above, this avoidance of expressing opinions is particularly harmful in my main romantic relationship. My partner expresses his opinions freely and I often feel like I'm the doormat since I avoid disagreeing. He's told me multiple times that he wants me to share my preferences/thoughts but it's uncomfortable for me to do this.
Possibly relevant background: I hold pretty progressive political beliefs but don't really articulate them to myself or others. The only action I take to express them is by voting, which I don't even do every year. I'm in recovery from alcoholism and addiction, and think that my lack of experience in stating my mind is partly because those college years of arguing in dorm rooms about politics or whatever I could have been doing, were instead spent in a haze and avoiding saying anything that might be a "buzzkill". This avoiding speaking my mind has been an issue for me in previous romantic relationships, friendships, social circles, etc., but is very pronounced in this current relationship.
Some ideas I've had on how to try exercising and strengthening my weak "speak up!" skills:
- Begin participating in Metafilter discussions (eek!) even if I think everyone else will already think of the smarter comments
- Say things like "I'm not sure everyone agrees with that" when someone says something I disagree with (maybe kind of passive, but is a way for me to be an 'active listener' without expressing false agreement)
- If someone said something I disagreed with and I didn't say anything at the time, make myself write out later what I think bothered me, instead of just steaming about it and feeling angry at them/resenting myself for not saying anything
- Stating my opinion first in conversations, instead of waiting for others to show how they feel so I can then 'mirror'
Do you all have any other suggestions? Is there a workbook out there that will help me practice articulating what I believe? Other ideas for low-stakes ways I can practice stating what I think without having to feel like I have the most perfect articulate statement, otherwise it's not worth mentioning?
i think your hunch is absolutely right. this seems like a really good idea.
one thing that works for me is to take refuge in vagueness. it buys you time to think and lets you explore the possibilities. so phrases like "well, i don't know", and "hmmm. but life is complicated" help.
as does "playing the devil's advocate". that gives you an easy way to try out ideas in the heat of the moment. so you can say "ok, ok, but what if ...." without committing yourself. and if it sounds good, you can strengthen it later.
also, acknowledge others. if you do this, then they are more likely to listen to you and not attack. so you can say "i can see how that makes sense. because ..... but then what about .... - that would mean ..... so i am not so sure. maybe it's more like ...." (which includes the ideas above).
don't be afraid to admit you are wrong. i do this all the time when talking to people and it pays huge dividends. first, you don't have to stick with all your stupid mistakes. just acknowledge them and move on. second, you look good. way, way better than people who stick with errors. third, when you stick to your guns it carries more weight.
and finally, don't be afraid to be wrong. say something even if you aren't sure. phrase it as a suggestion. run with it if it works. discard it if it doesn't. treat the conversation as a process for finding the truth rather than as a battle where one person wins. [edit: and, connected to that, don't beat yourself up if you don't have a completely consistent worldview. life is too complicated to be reduced to a tiny set of rules. you can have contradictions. they can probably be fixed at a lower level of detail - they don't necessarily have to be wrong.]
[this is very different to being online, especially in an unthreaded place like mefi, imho. which is much more like a "one shot" kind of thing. but maybe i am doing it wrong.]
posted by andrewcooke at 6:38 AM on July 19, 2015 [2 favorites]
one thing that works for me is to take refuge in vagueness. it buys you time to think and lets you explore the possibilities. so phrases like "well, i don't know", and "hmmm. but life is complicated" help.
as does "playing the devil's advocate". that gives you an easy way to try out ideas in the heat of the moment. so you can say "ok, ok, but what if ...." without committing yourself. and if it sounds good, you can strengthen it later.
also, acknowledge others. if you do this, then they are more likely to listen to you and not attack. so you can say "i can see how that makes sense. because ..... but then what about .... - that would mean ..... so i am not so sure. maybe it's more like ...." (which includes the ideas above).
don't be afraid to admit you are wrong. i do this all the time when talking to people and it pays huge dividends. first, you don't have to stick with all your stupid mistakes. just acknowledge them and move on. second, you look good. way, way better than people who stick with errors. third, when you stick to your guns it carries more weight.
and finally, don't be afraid to be wrong. say something even if you aren't sure. phrase it as a suggestion. run with it if it works. discard it if it doesn't. treat the conversation as a process for finding the truth rather than as a battle where one person wins. [edit: and, connected to that, don't beat yourself up if you don't have a completely consistent worldview. life is too complicated to be reduced to a tiny set of rules. you can have contradictions. they can probably be fixed at a lower level of detail - they don't necessarily have to be wrong.]
[this is very different to being online, especially in an unthreaded place like mefi, imho. which is much more like a "one shot" kind of thing. but maybe i am doing it wrong.]
posted by andrewcooke at 6:38 AM on July 19, 2015 [2 favorites]
Your ideas are great!
Here's another one: just start talking!
You can start doing this with just your SO or even by yourself to get going. Just start a running commentary on whatever is happening. Not to complain, not to disagree, not to talk about your opinions necessarily, just to work yourself up to being comfortable speaking up in situations you'd normally stay quiet for. It's hard to go from zero to 60 just like that. It's OK to work yourself up starting with relatively bland chatter.
Practice having discussions in the shower or car while you're alone. I've started and won thousands of hypothetical arguments in the shower. Think about how people might respond if you stated an opinion and how you might respond to them. Just invent little scenarios about your pet topics. It sounds silly but you'll be more likely to step into a discussion if you've got a mental crib sheet of possible things to say.
Participating in metafilter discussions will help.
I grew up where it was easier to keep my mouth shut and my opinions to myself. When I finally grew up and moved away, it was a process for me trying to figure out how and when to speak up. And now I don't hold back at all. I don't think there's a single person who knows me who would say I'm shy about sharing my opinions. So it is possible.
Work yourself up gradually. Just remember that you are important and your feelings are valid, and you absolutely 100% deserve to be a part of any conversation the people around you are having.
posted by phunniemee at 6:42 AM on July 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
Here's another one: just start talking!
You can start doing this with just your SO or even by yourself to get going. Just start a running commentary on whatever is happening. Not to complain, not to disagree, not to talk about your opinions necessarily, just to work yourself up to being comfortable speaking up in situations you'd normally stay quiet for. It's hard to go from zero to 60 just like that. It's OK to work yourself up starting with relatively bland chatter.
Practice having discussions in the shower or car while you're alone. I've started and won thousands of hypothetical arguments in the shower. Think about how people might respond if you stated an opinion and how you might respond to them. Just invent little scenarios about your pet topics. It sounds silly but you'll be more likely to step into a discussion if you've got a mental crib sheet of possible things to say.
Participating in metafilter discussions will help.
I grew up where it was easier to keep my mouth shut and my opinions to myself. When I finally grew up and moved away, it was a process for me trying to figure out how and when to speak up. And now I don't hold back at all. I don't think there's a single person who knows me who would say I'm shy about sharing my opinions. So it is possible.
Work yourself up gradually. Just remember that you are important and your feelings are valid, and you absolutely 100% deserve to be a part of any conversation the people around you are having.
posted by phunniemee at 6:42 AM on July 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
Matters of taste are matters of taste. I try not to offer up my opinions about taste unless someone asks, or it directly effects me, like "Hey let's go see the new Dudebros Blow Shit Up 7 in 3D!" In which case I won't say "Dudebros suck!" But rather, "I don't much enjoy that sort of movie personally."
It gets more complicated when you want to go all "Well, actually," on someone who has strongly-held beliefs based on falsehoods. Again, I tend to demur, unless asked, & try to stick to things like "There are copious statistics that prove you're much more likely to shoot yourself with that gun than an intruder, so please be careful," instead of "I hate guns!" Use facts, and come from a place of concern, so that you're not going to be perceived as just getting in their face because you don't like thier opinion.
Mostly, does it affect you? ("Dear husband, let's try route b because in my experience, route a takes twice as long -- humor me this once and let's time it to see.") if not, let it go. Better to be happy than right.
posted by Devils Rancher at 6:51 AM on July 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
It gets more complicated when you want to go all "Well, actually," on someone who has strongly-held beliefs based on falsehoods. Again, I tend to demur, unless asked, & try to stick to things like "There are copious statistics that prove you're much more likely to shoot yourself with that gun than an intruder, so please be careful," instead of "I hate guns!" Use facts, and come from a place of concern, so that you're not going to be perceived as just getting in their face because you don't like thier opinion.
Mostly, does it affect you? ("Dear husband, let's try route b because in my experience, route a takes twice as long -- humor me this once and let's time it to see.") if not, let it go. Better to be happy than right.
posted by Devils Rancher at 6:51 AM on July 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
oh, sorry, i misread the q. i thought you were asking for specific strategies to use.
posted by andrewcooke at 7:33 AM on July 19, 2015
posted by andrewcooke at 7:33 AM on July 19, 2015
I'm similar to you in that I dislike conflict and was hesitant to express opinions for much of my life (still am to a certain extent) but I've improved a lot over the past few years. I strongly 2nd phunnimemee's advice to work out conversations in your head, which gives you time "offline" to formulate possible responses to scenarios. This has worked really well for me.
It's like anything else; it takes practice. Start practicing with your SO, friends, or other people you're comfortable with. Start with easy stuff, e.g. talking about what you do/don't like about a movie you saw recently, or a book you're reading, etc. Then gradually work up to heavier things like politics or whatever topics you feel strongly about. Be patient with yourself; if you have a conversation that doesn't go so well, evaluate afterward how you might approach it differently so you're better prepared the next time. But don't beat yourself up over any perceived mistakes -- conversation is hard and everyone screws up now and then. Everything is a learning opportunity.
One thing to keep in mind is that many people hold their beliefs very strongly, to the point where they won't budge even if you provide evidence to the contrary, or point out logical fallacies in their thinking. Don't take it personally; move on and avoid talking about that subject with that person. (I'm super rational and my mind has been blown a gazillion times by this behavior; you have to learn not to let it bother you.)
The ideas you listed sound fantastic, although I'd caution you about participating in metafilter discussions as they can tend to be hostile, particularly around certain topics. Even innocuous and well-intentioned comments get a pile-on if they're perceived to be just a tiny bit against the approved narrative or if you're perceived to be the wrong kind of person or whatever, and several users in the past few months have been bullied into not participating, or even banned. So proceed with caution.
posted by phoenix_rising at 8:00 AM on July 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
It's like anything else; it takes practice. Start practicing with your SO, friends, or other people you're comfortable with. Start with easy stuff, e.g. talking about what you do/don't like about a movie you saw recently, or a book you're reading, etc. Then gradually work up to heavier things like politics or whatever topics you feel strongly about. Be patient with yourself; if you have a conversation that doesn't go so well, evaluate afterward how you might approach it differently so you're better prepared the next time. But don't beat yourself up over any perceived mistakes -- conversation is hard and everyone screws up now and then. Everything is a learning opportunity.
One thing to keep in mind is that many people hold their beliefs very strongly, to the point where they won't budge even if you provide evidence to the contrary, or point out logical fallacies in their thinking. Don't take it personally; move on and avoid talking about that subject with that person. (I'm super rational and my mind has been blown a gazillion times by this behavior; you have to learn not to let it bother you.)
The ideas you listed sound fantastic, although I'd caution you about participating in metafilter discussions as they can tend to be hostile, particularly around certain topics. Even innocuous and well-intentioned comments get a pile-on if they're perceived to be just a tiny bit against the approved narrative or if you're perceived to be the wrong kind of person or whatever, and several users in the past few months have been bullied into not participating, or even banned. So proceed with caution.
posted by phoenix_rising at 8:00 AM on July 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
Toastmasters will give you an excellent opportunity to practice talking in front of other people. Once you can do that, talking about your views will be a lot easier. The clubs seem to be generally supportive, but look around to find the right one for you.
Also: remember that even if someone disagrees with you, the relationship you have with that person is separate from politics. Even if things are tense at one point, feelings change from moment to moment. With an intelligent, sensitive person, you both should be able to prioritize being friends over other disagreements, as long as you both talk only about the issue (not whether each other are stupid/naieve/evil) and reinforce the relationship afterward. Things can be awkward for a moment or two, or a day, but with good people they will return to normal later.
posted by amtho at 8:08 AM on July 19, 2015
Also: remember that even if someone disagrees with you, the relationship you have with that person is separate from politics. Even if things are tense at one point, feelings change from moment to moment. With an intelligent, sensitive person, you both should be able to prioritize being friends over other disagreements, as long as you both talk only about the issue (not whether each other are stupid/naieve/evil) and reinforce the relationship afterward. Things can be awkward for a moment or two, or a day, but with good people they will return to normal later.
posted by amtho at 8:08 AM on July 19, 2015
As an intermediate step, could you focus on opening up some discursive space by asking questions about other people's views? These don't have to be (really, shouldn't be!) confrontational-- maybe just focus on unpacking for yourself how this person's views differ from your own, and probe the weak points or strong points in their thinking, without necessarily having to commit yourself to believing the opposite.
Like, for instance:
FRIEND: "We really need more government surveillance!"
YOU: "Really? What do you think the benefits would be?"
or: "Really? So you think the controls in place are adequate?"
or: "Huh, interesting! So you don't buy those dystopian-Big-Brother scenarios that opponents put out?"
And once they've answered those questions, you can ask friendly follow-ups-- "That makes sense. But do you think we can be sure of that?" or "Yeah, totally! But I do wonder, what about Possible Scenario X?"
Socratic conversations like that keep things nice and safe for you, while, imho, being simultaneously the best way to open up space for dissent, anyway. Flat ideological discussions of the form "I believe X!" "Well, I believe Y!" usually end up sucking, since both parties are focusing on their own position without ever interacting or listening. You don't need to become a master debater to get your ideas out in a conversation.
posted by Bardolph at 8:24 AM on July 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
Like, for instance:
FRIEND: "We really need more government surveillance!"
YOU: "Really? What do you think the benefits would be?"
or: "Really? So you think the controls in place are adequate?"
or: "Huh, interesting! So you don't buy those dystopian-Big-Brother scenarios that opponents put out?"
And once they've answered those questions, you can ask friendly follow-ups-- "That makes sense. But do you think we can be sure of that?" or "Yeah, totally! But I do wonder, what about Possible Scenario X?"
Socratic conversations like that keep things nice and safe for you, while, imho, being simultaneously the best way to open up space for dissent, anyway. Flat ideological discussions of the form "I believe X!" "Well, I believe Y!" usually end up sucking, since both parties are focusing on their own position without ever interacting or listening. You don't need to become a master debater to get your ideas out in a conversation.
posted by Bardolph at 8:24 AM on July 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
When Anger Scares You: How to Overcome Your Fear of Conflict and Express Your Anger in Healthy Ways is a great book with concrete suggestions for overcoming conflict-avoidance.
posted by jaguar at 8:33 AM on July 19, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by jaguar at 8:33 AM on July 19, 2015 [3 favorites]
Like a lot of difficult things in life, practice makes perfect. The more you speak up and the world doesn't collapse and people still like you (even possibly respect you a little bit more for speaking up), the better you will get at this. I think your ideas above are great, and I will add one more: Let's say you disagree with someone on something, and you'd like to say something but you don't want to upset them. Find the common ground there that you know the person can't or won't disagree with. I'll use the topic of trees for illustration.
They say, "Trees are the worst thing ever!"
You disagree, so you would say, "I'm sure we can both agree that trees provide oxygen for our planet?" When the other person can see that you agree with each other on some fundamental thing, it brings the tension down.
"I'm sure we can agree that ______" works well for me in getting my point across without making a huge deal out of disagreeing with someone.
posted by Grlnxtdr at 8:42 AM on July 19, 2015
They say, "Trees are the worst thing ever!"
You disagree, so you would say, "I'm sure we can both agree that trees provide oxygen for our planet?" When the other person can see that you agree with each other on some fundamental thing, it brings the tension down.
"I'm sure we can agree that ______" works well for me in getting my point across without making a huge deal out of disagreeing with someone.
posted by Grlnxtdr at 8:42 AM on July 19, 2015
Do you know any people (maybe your partner?) who actually enjoy a friendly argument and don't take it personally when you disagree with them? (I know there are people like that, because I'm one of them.) If you do, I'm sure they'd be happy to let you have practice conversations with them about your opinions. You might feel less pressure knowing that the other person was enjoying the conversation and wasn't going to get angry with you. (Though you might have a hard time really believing they weren't angry.)
The downside to engaging with someone like that is that they might be a little too eager to debate you or question your opinion and you might end up feeling attacked, especially if you struggle to articulate your point of view and they're better than you are at thinking on their feet. (Which probably would be the case, since the situation would be less stressful for them.) But I think it could work well if the other person was really good-natured about it. Maybe you could periodically check in about how they were feeling and if they continually reported that they were happy, enjoying the conversation, and feeling friendly towards you, it would help you to see that discussing a difference of opinion doesn't have to be a scary thing that will make people mad at you.
posted by Redstart at 11:34 AM on July 19, 2015
The downside to engaging with someone like that is that they might be a little too eager to debate you or question your opinion and you might end up feeling attacked, especially if you struggle to articulate your point of view and they're better than you are at thinking on their feet. (Which probably would be the case, since the situation would be less stressful for them.) But I think it could work well if the other person was really good-natured about it. Maybe you could periodically check in about how they were feeling and if they continually reported that they were happy, enjoying the conversation, and feeling friendly towards you, it would help you to see that discussing a difference of opinion doesn't have to be a scary thing that will make people mad at you.
posted by Redstart at 11:34 AM on July 19, 2015
Toastmasters, yes. You could also look for progressive discussion groups in your area where you can practice stating your beliefs in a safe space.
I have exactly the same issue (sans partner) and it's very frustrating.
posted by bunderful at 12:21 PM on July 19, 2015
I have exactly the same issue (sans partner) and it's very frustrating.
posted by bunderful at 12:21 PM on July 19, 2015
I agree with Bardolf on asking questions. I will note that questions can be bland or they can be very provocative.
posted by SemiSalt at 12:47 PM on July 19, 2015
posted by SemiSalt at 12:47 PM on July 19, 2015
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You can tell your partner that this is meant as an exercise, or you can decide not to. I think it might work either way.
I also think your ideas look fine.
posted by Too-Ticky at 6:08 AM on July 19, 2015 [1 favorite]