I need to leave, right?
July 19, 2015 3:08 AM Subscribe
I have been seeing someone for 3-4 months. His future plans are to look for a job outside of a current city and move within the next 12 months or so. Am I wasting my time?
I am not that young anymore so have no time left for seeing how it goes. I also tend to make impulsive, snap decisions that I later regret. I need to get some rational input.
My current guy (boyfriend/girlfriend status) has told me on the first date that he possibly wants to move in the near future and was planning to do so for a while. Things progressed with us, including many weekends spent together, trips and meeting the family + a lot of every day contact. He mentioned moving away once more but it was very vague and he also threw in, if things get serious between us, you could come too. I didn't really give it much deep thought.
Things were going well lately but today he casually mentioned that he has actually applied for a few out of state jobs already. He explained that it's best to start the process early as it may take a lot of time to get a job. I asked him what happens if he gets a job right now, would he move? He said if it was a good opportunity, yeah he would. He has now also thrown in the fact that he may even consider moving to another country.
It is clear that his future plans don't include me to any great extent. I know it's early on but why the rush to send the applications already? I am starting to feel like all of his talk about feelings for me is not sincere or he wouldn't be doing this.
I am hesitant to bring this up because he is very conflict avoidant so he tells me what I want to hear. I don't want to be led on, even unintentionally. I feel like I have enough information to make the decision myself.
Part of me is thinking that who knows what the future holds, I shouldn't make this so serious, let things develop in time. But, what if I am missing out on other guys that could offer me a future?
I need some support and a reality check.
I am not that young anymore so have no time left for seeing how it goes. I also tend to make impulsive, snap decisions that I later regret. I need to get some rational input.
My current guy (boyfriend/girlfriend status) has told me on the first date that he possibly wants to move in the near future and was planning to do so for a while. Things progressed with us, including many weekends spent together, trips and meeting the family + a lot of every day contact. He mentioned moving away once more but it was very vague and he also threw in, if things get serious between us, you could come too. I didn't really give it much deep thought.
Things were going well lately but today he casually mentioned that he has actually applied for a few out of state jobs already. He explained that it's best to start the process early as it may take a lot of time to get a job. I asked him what happens if he gets a job right now, would he move? He said if it was a good opportunity, yeah he would. He has now also thrown in the fact that he may even consider moving to another country.
It is clear that his future plans don't include me to any great extent. I know it's early on but why the rush to send the applications already? I am starting to feel like all of his talk about feelings for me is not sincere or he wouldn't be doing this.
I am hesitant to bring this up because he is very conflict avoidant so he tells me what I want to hear. I don't want to be led on, even unintentionally. I feel like I have enough information to make the decision myself.
Part of me is thinking that who knows what the future holds, I shouldn't make this so serious, let things develop in time. But, what if I am missing out on other guys that could offer me a future?
I need some support and a reality check.
I am hesitant to bring this up because he is very conflict avoidant so he tells me what I want to hear.
That's a lot of work to facilitate honest communication he's placing on your shoulders that way. Aside from what your future together may or may not hold (never mind he didn't even ask you what you think about joining him to live abroad), are you sure this is something you want to take on?
posted by moody cow at 3:55 AM on July 19, 2015 [5 favorites]
That's a lot of work to facilitate honest communication he's placing on your shoulders that way. Aside from what your future together may or may not hold (never mind he didn't even ask you what you think about joining him to live abroad), are you sure this is something you want to take on?
posted by moody cow at 3:55 AM on July 19, 2015 [5 favorites]
Unless he is suddenly much less ambivalent about you (I don't see that happening) it would not be smart to move with him. It doesn't sound like you have that intention, but it bears mentioning. People get super emotional when their partner is moving and they don't want to let go, and it's not fun when you talk them into taking you and a year later you end up breaking up and you aren't at home. Ask me how I know!
posted by pairofshades at 4:03 AM on July 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by pairofshades at 4:03 AM on July 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
It seems like he has been pretty straight forward with you. He intends to leave town, and he's taking actions to make tbat happen. I think it would be difficult for most folks to move with someone without a multiyear relationship. It doesn't sound like you're going to get that time. I'd have a serious conversation with him about it. If it were me, I'd go into the talk assuming it would end the relationship. YMMV.
posted by Kalmya at 4:12 AM on July 19, 2015 [11 favorites]
posted by Kalmya at 4:12 AM on July 19, 2015 [11 favorites]
I'll add, I'd bet he does care for you! He has just been planning this move since before you met. His threashold for changing his life plans may be quite high. Like married high. And you just haven't gotten that time together.
posted by Kalmya at 4:18 AM on July 19, 2015 [11 favorites]
posted by Kalmya at 4:18 AM on July 19, 2015 [11 favorites]
I am not that young anymore so have no time left for seeing how it goes.
i take that to mean you want children. that's apparently your priority, but it's not universal by any means.
It is clear that his future plans don't include me to any great extent.
how come? he's talked about you moving with him.
if you don't want to move, and you are in a rush because you want children, then yes, i guess you need to break up with him. but he seems to have been completely straight up with you and i don't see how any of this is from lack of commitment from him or lack of being "into" you.
you have different priorities, apparently. but the slant that his are somehow "wrong" while yours are "understandable" seems odd to me. maybe i am misreading things. if so, sorry.
posted by andrewcooke at 5:22 AM on July 19, 2015 [6 favorites]
i take that to mean you want children. that's apparently your priority, but it's not universal by any means.
It is clear that his future plans don't include me to any great extent.
how come? he's talked about you moving with him.
if you don't want to move, and you are in a rush because you want children, then yes, i guess you need to break up with him. but he seems to have been completely straight up with you and i don't see how any of this is from lack of commitment from him or lack of being "into" you.
you have different priorities, apparently. but the slant that his are somehow "wrong" while yours are "understandable" seems odd to me. maybe i am misreading things. if so, sorry.
posted by andrewcooke at 5:22 AM on July 19, 2015 [6 favorites]
"he is very conflict avoidant so he tells me what I want to hear" is why I would leave him. How can you ever know who he truly is if he is basically lying to you every time you ask him a difficult question?
Do you want to move to another state or country? If not, then walk. If you do, then stick it out but ask him to join you for therapy so that you can figure out who he truly is. Don't have a baby with a ghost.
posted by myselfasme at 5:38 AM on July 19, 2015 [5 favorites]
Do you want to move to another state or country? If not, then walk. If you do, then stick it out but ask him to join you for therapy so that you can figure out who he truly is. Don't have a baby with a ghost.
posted by myselfasme at 5:38 AM on July 19, 2015 [5 favorites]
If I had a significant other at the meeting the family / possibly moving in together level. I would have at least mentioned to that person BEFORE sending job applications to another country! I think that is terrible communication on his part and that you're right to be upset. Plus you feel like you can't have a serious conversation with him, which is a relationship killer on its own.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 6:00 AM on July 19, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by treehorn+bunny at 6:00 AM on July 19, 2015 [3 favorites]
I think you need to have a serious conversation about this now. It's not going to be easy, but you are better off having that conversation now than letting yourself get further invested and just putting off the tough decisions until further down the line.
He was clear from the first date that he wanted to move interstate or overseas, yet you decided to keep dating him anyway. Now it is up to you to decide whether you would be willing to move with him if he does take a job, and then to determine whether he does actually want you in his life. But remember that you're not obligated to move for someone you've only known for a few months.
My current situation: Got into a relationship with someone I had known a while, made it very clear from that start that within the next couple of years I would need to pursue some opportunities abroad. My partner is legally able to work in the country that I have since moved to, but that doesn't necessarily fit with his plans. So we've been together for a year and a half and it's possible that this situation is going to end things, because it's become clear that our wants and needs don't match up and neither one of us is going to budge. I really wish that we'd had some tough conversations much earlier because I feel like I sacrificed a lot for a relationship that I should have known wouldn't work out anyway. So from my current perspective I'd say: Don't let the same thing happen to you.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 7:03 AM on July 19, 2015 [2 favorites]
He was clear from the first date that he wanted to move interstate or overseas, yet you decided to keep dating him anyway. Now it is up to you to decide whether you would be willing to move with him if he does take a job, and then to determine whether he does actually want you in his life. But remember that you're not obligated to move for someone you've only known for a few months.
My current situation: Got into a relationship with someone I had known a while, made it very clear from that start that within the next couple of years I would need to pursue some opportunities abroad. My partner is legally able to work in the country that I have since moved to, but that doesn't necessarily fit with his plans. So we've been together for a year and a half and it's possible that this situation is going to end things, because it's become clear that our wants and needs don't match up and neither one of us is going to budge. I really wish that we'd had some tough conversations much earlier because I feel like I sacrificed a lot for a relationship that I should have known wouldn't work out anyway. So from my current perspective I'd say: Don't let the same thing happen to you.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 7:03 AM on July 19, 2015 [2 favorites]
Do you want to marry him? If so, let him know that. If you're not sure, what would you need to know about him, or yourself, to decide? If possible, make a plan to find out. Maybe do some challenging activity together.
Once you know what you want, you can let him know, so that he has all the information he needs to decide whether to invite you to come with him.
If you come to the realization that it would take exactly two months to figure all this out, let him know that, too. Then find out from him if he's willing to wait two months to work on things with you. If not, you can end things now and start working on finding a better relationship.
posted by amtho at 7:59 AM on July 19, 2015
Once you know what you want, you can let him know, so that he has all the information he needs to decide whether to invite you to come with him.
If you come to the realization that it would take exactly two months to figure all this out, let him know that, too. Then find out from him if he's willing to wait two months to work on things with you. If not, you can end things now and start working on finding a better relationship.
posted by amtho at 7:59 AM on July 19, 2015
I made comments like this when dating because I had itchy feet and wanted to leave my city and country. I'm sure it turned people off. But I knew I'd met my partner when he said: "Me too!" and we discussed which countries and cities were on our radar. It would have taken a really awesome relationship to get me to stay in my city.
Unless you see your life going there too, of your own interest, then I would take him at his words and actions and either let it go or (if you can stomach the uncertainty) see how it goes until he leaves. The piece that bugs me is that he's not seeing things as an "us", but you as an afterthought in his plans, whereas with my partner there was a small but growing feeling of partnership in developing a shared future from early on. "You can come too" isn't the words of someone seeing you as an equal partner in his journey.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 8:24 AM on July 19, 2015
Unless you see your life going there too, of your own interest, then I would take him at his words and actions and either let it go or (if you can stomach the uncertainty) see how it goes until he leaves. The piece that bugs me is that he's not seeing things as an "us", but you as an afterthought in his plans, whereas with my partner there was a small but growing feeling of partnership in developing a shared future from early on. "You can come too" isn't the words of someone seeing you as an equal partner in his journey.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 8:24 AM on July 19, 2015
he told you recently he applied to out of state jobs. he doesnt need babying to get a straight answer out of him. he's ambivalent about you. he is currently the apple of his own eye. he's not stupid, but he might play dumb like he needs to have it spelled out for him what his moving implies for you two.
at best he'll make you the one that got away so he can fixate and resist being in a real relationship. i know you have feelings for him, it is difficult to believe that someone might not invest in a healthy way and go all out to say what you want to hear (an immature and manipulative practice that is a way to shift blame --"but im just trying to make you happy so you wont make me have hard conversations that adults have!"--and responsibility.)
if you are too afraid or insecure in your wants to be straight with him (totally understandable; it's painful to realize that the person you trust is willfully playing you for a fool or masking his ambivalence), then it's fine to stick in the relationship and try to enjoy it for how long it lasts. it could even be good practice for not investing in losers that do this kind of nonsense in the future. though i dont think being around people who treat you like an option is healthy for your self esteem, but again, youre not the only woman to have been tricked into going to a clown rodeo and being repeatedly reassured it's the opera, so dont waste time feeling foolish if it doesnt pan out later.
you'll be fine, no matter what.
posted by discopolo at 8:48 AM on July 19, 2015
at best he'll make you the one that got away so he can fixate and resist being in a real relationship. i know you have feelings for him, it is difficult to believe that someone might not invest in a healthy way and go all out to say what you want to hear (an immature and manipulative practice that is a way to shift blame --"but im just trying to make you happy so you wont make me have hard conversations that adults have!"--and responsibility.)
if you are too afraid or insecure in your wants to be straight with him (totally understandable; it's painful to realize that the person you trust is willfully playing you for a fool or masking his ambivalence), then it's fine to stick in the relationship and try to enjoy it for how long it lasts. it could even be good practice for not investing in losers that do this kind of nonsense in the future. though i dont think being around people who treat you like an option is healthy for your self esteem, but again, youre not the only woman to have been tricked into going to a clown rodeo and being repeatedly reassured it's the opera, so dont waste time feeling foolish if it doesnt pan out later.
you'll be fine, no matter what.
posted by discopolo at 8:48 AM on July 19, 2015
Yeah, all the "he may really truly care" concern is both true and irrelevant. I care- very mildly- about many things too silly and numerous to mention, like whether or not orange juice should have pulp. The word "care" covers a gigantic range of things so it's almost useless. Clearly, by "care" you mean "sees me as his future wife, wants to get married, and has picked marrying me as a number one priority over other things. Wouldn't be okay with finding another woman later." I mean yeah, care could also mean "has genuine friendly goodwill towards me and doesn't want to hurt me unnecessarily." But SO?
My general go-to answer for this kind of maybe relationship is to date other people. You don't have to give him up completely, but it needs to be clear and accepted that you are shopping for better offers. I think women don't take the path of dating more than one guy nearly enough. Men seem to do it more often. It works great- keeps away the double standards, makes "break-ups" less devastating, men respond well to competition in my experience. Most could use a gentle reminder you're a hot commodity.
posted by quincunx at 8:57 AM on July 19, 2015 [4 favorites]
My general go-to answer for this kind of maybe relationship is to date other people. You don't have to give him up completely, but it needs to be clear and accepted that you are shopping for better offers. I think women don't take the path of dating more than one guy nearly enough. Men seem to do it more often. It works great- keeps away the double standards, makes "break-ups" less devastating, men respond well to competition in my experience. Most could use a gentle reminder you're a hot commodity.
posted by quincunx at 8:57 AM on July 19, 2015 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks everyone for your comments. I tried to have a serious talk with him tonight and he was being kind of jokey and kept asking me if I am breaking up with him. He said that he has the same concerns about him moving. I asked him why does he even get into relationships knowing that he is moving soon. He said "in case I meet "the one"". So I asked him "And I am not "the one"?" his response was "I don't know, do you think I am "the one""? to which I responded "It's too early to tell"....to which he said "I think we are both afraid to really invest which is not good"....
And yeah, it was never about what I want, he seems to think that I am lucky if he is inviting me along..what about my family, my job, my life?
We left the conversation with an agreement to get back to it tomorrow. I assume that will end in us breaking up. It was disturbing how indifferent he seemed in this conversation. I guess it tells me all I need to know.
posted by sabina_r at 9:03 AM on July 19, 2015 [2 favorites]
And yeah, it was never about what I want, he seems to think that I am lucky if he is inviting me along..what about my family, my job, my life?
We left the conversation with an agreement to get back to it tomorrow. I assume that will end in us breaking up. It was disturbing how indifferent he seemed in this conversation. I guess it tells me all I need to know.
posted by sabina_r at 9:03 AM on July 19, 2015 [2 favorites]
After your update, I have 1 comment, and 1 question:
1. Good job!
2. Do you really want to discuss more of anything with him? If he's going to act indifferent & act like you're lucky (!) to be invited into the magical journey of his life---I mean jeez. it sounds worse than babysitting. In short, if you'd rather skip additional conversations with this weirdo, you should. (Or you might just go to get good material for "I can't believe I dated this guy!" should you ever have to advise a young person with humorous anecdotes or choose a stand up comedy career or just share hilarious ex stories with friends. Either way, you do what you're comfortable with. And again, nice work!)
posted by discopolo at 10:45 AM on July 19, 2015 [3 favorites]
1. Good job!
2. Do you really want to discuss more of anything with him? If he's going to act indifferent & act like you're lucky (!) to be invited into the magical journey of his life---I mean jeez. it sounds worse than babysitting. In short, if you'd rather skip additional conversations with this weirdo, you should. (Or you might just go to get good material for "I can't believe I dated this guy!" should you ever have to advise a young person with humorous anecdotes or choose a stand up comedy career or just share hilarious ex stories with friends. Either way, you do what you're comfortable with. And again, nice work!)
posted by discopolo at 10:45 AM on July 19, 2015 [3 favorites]
I think at best he's a "for now" boyfriend, not a forever husband.
This "in case I meet the one" thing made me roll my eyes a whole lot. If I was hellbent on moving I would not be hunting for "the one" in somewhere I'm not going to stay at all, because "the one" would throw that off.
posted by jenfullmoon at 11:09 AM on July 19, 2015 [5 favorites]
This "in case I meet the one" thing made me roll my eyes a whole lot. If I was hellbent on moving I would not be hunting for "the one" in somewhere I'm not going to stay at all, because "the one" would throw that off.
posted by jenfullmoon at 11:09 AM on July 19, 2015 [5 favorites]
I asked him why does he even get into relationships knowing that he is moving soon. He said "in case I meet "the one"".
I am so sorry to hear this. It is profoundly disrespectful to talk to a present girlfriend like this, as though you are not even there, not a true option. He is 100% saying you are not "it"; make all your decisions accordingly. Best of luck.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 11:59 AM on July 19, 2015 [2 favorites]
I am so sorry to hear this. It is profoundly disrespectful to talk to a present girlfriend like this, as though you are not even there, not a true option. He is 100% saying you are not "it"; make all your decisions accordingly. Best of luck.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 11:59 AM on July 19, 2015 [2 favorites]
He was up front from the beginning that he planned to be doing this. You "asked him why does he even get into relationships knowing that he is moving soon," but did you ask yourself why you got into a relationship with him knowing that he is moving soon? You seem to expect that he would now be changing his life plans for you without having asked him to do so. Yet, you are offended when he shows signs of expecting you'd change your life plans for him. You ask if you're The One for him but can't say he's The One for you. It feels weird to me that you're holding him to different standards than you're expecting from yourself. It almost feels like maybe you thought "oh, he'll fall for me and then I'll just get what I want."
My recommendation: take responsibility and ask for what you want. Take responsibility for the fact that you got into a relationship knowing that he was likely going to move. Don't be offended or butt-hurt that he didn't suddenly change that. If you want to start making plans together, ask for that: "I think we really have something real here; can we talk about how we can stay together given your desire to move?" Or, since it doesn't sound like you feel that way yet, maybe you could ask: "I don't yet know where this is going, but I feel like we have potential. Would you be willing to delay your move by a few months while we decide if this is really something we want to commit to?"
You went into the relationship well aware that this was the plan. Be an equal partner in figuring out a solution that takes into account both of your feelings and life plans.
posted by salvia at 12:09 PM on July 19, 2015 [13 favorites]
My recommendation: take responsibility and ask for what you want. Take responsibility for the fact that you got into a relationship knowing that he was likely going to move. Don't be offended or butt-hurt that he didn't suddenly change that. If you want to start making plans together, ask for that: "I think we really have something real here; can we talk about how we can stay together given your desire to move?" Or, since it doesn't sound like you feel that way yet, maybe you could ask: "I don't yet know where this is going, but I feel like we have potential. Would you be willing to delay your move by a few months while we decide if this is really something we want to commit to?"
You went into the relationship well aware that this was the plan. Be an equal partner in figuring out a solution that takes into account both of your feelings and life plans.
posted by salvia at 12:09 PM on July 19, 2015 [13 favorites]
Salvia is totally right. Where I come from we say "you're doing to much" which basically means, "calm or slow things down and check your behavior ".
You did ask why he got in a relationship when he knew he wanted to leave but he was totally up front and honest about it in the beginning. By you agreeing to see him it sounds like you were too. Furthermore, you ask why he has to apply so early? Should he put his life and aspirations on hold for a fledgling relationship? I don't think either of you should. You're asking things of him that you're not willing to give yourself. It's only been 3 or so months which really isn't a long time. Yes, you like each other but neither of you is really investing like they should to see whether this thing has legs. I think before he leaves it's worth a real try.
posted by CosmicSeeker42 at 1:04 PM on July 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
You did ask why he got in a relationship when he knew he wanted to leave but he was totally up front and honest about it in the beginning. By you agreeing to see him it sounds like you were too. Furthermore, you ask why he has to apply so early? Should he put his life and aspirations on hold for a fledgling relationship? I don't think either of you should. You're asking things of him that you're not willing to give yourself. It's only been 3 or so months which really isn't a long time. Yes, you like each other but neither of you is really investing like they should to see whether this thing has legs. I think before he leaves it's worth a real try.
posted by CosmicSeeker42 at 1:04 PM on July 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
on your update: i think you were right to do that, and are right in your conclusions, and i think my previous reply was too unsympathetic. sorry (+ good luck).
posted by andrewcooke at 1:09 PM on July 19, 2015
posted by andrewcooke at 1:09 PM on July 19, 2015
« Older My dog does bark but my neighbour is an asshole | What is the name of this PS1 game? Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
In that case, yours shouldn't include him to any great extent.
If you make things develop further, you're going to be in more pain at the inevitable breakup, assuming that you don't in fact want to go with him - perhaps spend some time doing that deep thinking you mentioned. If you break up now, you're less emotionally invested and it will likely hurt less.
But.
He might be quite sincere in his feelings for you, but have an end date in mind and simply be enjoying himself right now. Or he might be planning on having you go with him when he moves. Or he might not have any great feelings for you at all. Or maybe something else. Ask him what's going on with the two of you and the future. This reads like you have your version of where the relationship is going but you have no idea what his version of things is. You really need to find that out so that you can base a decision about the two of you on some actual information about the two of you.
If you want to go with him, say so so he knows what's going on in your head, too. If you don't, tell him that instead so again, he knows what's going on. To make a rational decision, you need to have all of the information, and right now you only have your half, and even that isn't complete.
Also, if you can't trust your partner to be honest with you, then that person is not a good partner for you.
posted by Solomon at 3:23 AM on July 19, 2015