Can you Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind someone virtually?
July 16, 2015 9:28 AM   Subscribe

Yeah, that question is a weird one, so I will try to sum it up; boy meets girl, girls sleeps with boy, boy is a stunning wild Ukrainian flower that does not take life seriously and sleeps around on a daily basis, girl gets deeply attached, boy does not. However, I have become addicted to masochistically googling his name so I can view his social networks' pages (mostly Instagram, but also his VKontakte page). It became a daily ritual that deeply interferes with the fact that I absolutely know I should forget all about him and move on, cause as some of you know, this is a cul-de-sac and it hurts. So, I was wondering (perhaps very naively) if there is some way, or even some kind of a paid service, that will make it practically impossible for me to do this. It will make it impossible to google him, OR will block his social status pages from me.

It's important to mention I don't mean doing this WITHIN Instagram/Facebook (as in, simply blocking him) cause I do all of the obsessive spying out of my account.

Besides... any other tips on how to get over this type of person (I'm sure some of us have been there, falling deeply for the beautiful "bad" guy (and boy, is he bad...)) would be appreciated.
posted by anonymous to Computers & Internet (15 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
 
Maybe try picturing him in 30 years after detachment and hard living make him bitter and mean? And then picture Steve Martin, or someone closer to your preference, and reflect on the joy and sensitivity radiated by someone who has spent his life working hard (but not too hard) and at least trying to have fulfilling relationships.
posted by amtho at 9:38 AM on July 16, 2015 [2 favorites]


Put the addresses to all his pages in your hosts file, making them resolve to 127.0.0.1 .
Here's information on how to find and modify your hosts file.
posted by Too-Ticky at 9:40 AM on July 16, 2015 [8 favorites]


Use a service like LeechBlock to block the URL, all of the time.

However, you are asking for a technical solution to what is actually a social problem: "human behavior is hard to change." So I would suggest that you also get a therapist so you can work through this and talk it out with an objective party in a safe setting. Not because you're crazy - what you are doing is something that many, many, many people do - but because it is seriously affecting your life (enough for you to ask this question!) and because you don't have to live like this. Therapy can give you tools to deal with this productively -- for example, every time you try to go to his page, you get up and take a walk around your apartment or around the block instead. This work will be helpful in other, future situations as well.

Best of luck.
posted by sockermom at 9:52 AM on July 16, 2015 [3 favorites]


Been there for sure, although much more with the regular old mooning than the online stuff because it predated social media.

Other folks have technological solutions for you, but for the offline part of it, my answer was a brief period of very, very heavy drinking to induce amnesia/unconsciousness followed by a much longer period of intensive therapy.

If that wouldn't work for you, try brief periods of meditation to help disconnect you from these cycles of obsessive rumination. Easier said than done, of course, but whenever a thought about him appears, try to make a conscious choice to detach from it and release it back into the world. I like to imagine putting all that energy into a balloon or gently wrapping it around some dandelion fluff before letting it float away.

If he treated you poorly, you can meditate on how much objectively better your life is without someone like that mucking about in it. If he treated you humanely, all things considered, meditate on a mantra of lovingkindness: "May you be happy. May you be well. May you be free from harm" or, more simply, "I wish you peace."

Please remember to be compassionate toward yourself, too. I'm sorry you're hurting and I wish you peace.
posted by divined by radio at 10:06 AM on July 16, 2015 [1 favorite]


Put the addresses to all his pages in your hosts file, making them resolve to 127.0.0.1 .

Unfortunately, you can only block entire websites ("hosts"), not individual pages. Host file blocking works for facebook.com, but not for http://www.facebook.com/profilename.
posted by Nonsteroidal Anti-Inflammatory Drug at 10:10 AM on July 16, 2015 [1 favorite]


Try to imagine what it might be like to be him. How he might see how things went; how he might experience the particular women he sleeps with, and women in general; what he might think if he knew what you're doing. Maybe do a writing exercise exploring that. Think about how your heart is different, and whether it's fair to do this to it.
posted by cotton dress sock at 10:17 AM on July 16, 2015


A friend of mine shook this habit by doing this: she promised (and found friends to hold her accountable) that if she checked his account, she had to donate $50 to a cause she found repugnant (I believe in her case it was someone advocating for breed-specific legislation against pit bulls). She found the idea of donating money to that so awful that she managed not to look at his pages ever again.
posted by fiercecupcake at 10:21 AM on July 16, 2015 [4 favorites]


While the hosts file approach won't work, extensions like uBlock (and programs like the old-school Proximitron) allow a finer-grained approach that will let you block individual pages.

Note that if you go this route, you'll have to do it for each of your browsers on each of your devices, and that it may not be an available option for all of them.

(And, as others have said, I think the social/personal/emotional approach is better than the technical one.)
posted by box at 10:56 AM on July 16, 2015


I don't know squat on programming and you'd probably have to find someone who knows how to do this sort of thing to monkey with code for you, but I always thought it'd be useful to get one of those celebrity blocker browser add-ons customized to block mentions of certain people.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:59 AM on July 16, 2015


The biggest thing is to remove his name and screen name from anything you can look up by history, like bookmarks, social networks, and email. I had this problem with an ex, and it got easier and easier to keep myself from looking her up, so it got infrequent. But it didn't become never until she changed her Twitter handle to something I didn't know, and boom, she was Eternal Sunshined. Time takes care of it as long as you don't hold on in a permanent manner.
posted by Pacrand at 11:15 AM on July 16, 2015


I'm not sure how long ago the fling was but even short encounters can take awhile to get over. By "awhile" I mean even a few years: many people look up exes online occasionally, and it's not necessarily unhealthy if it's more about curiosity and, let's face it, boredom. However, it sounds like it's a painful thing for you, and that you recognize this and want to take action. If you're otherwise doing OK, then please treat yourself with kindness over this. If you're having trouble at work or finding yourself unable to even consider dating others (no rush, of course), then I'd perhaps look into counseling to explore the lingering attraction.

If you can truly avoid him online, that's great. However, if it takes multiple tries, that's OK, too. How about starting with small goals, like avoiding looking him up just one day? Then either "let" yourself look him up the following day or, better yet, try to make it yet another day! Might this work for you?
posted by smorgasbord at 11:47 AM on July 16, 2015


boy is a stunning wild Ukrainian flower that does not take life seriously and sleeps around on a daily basis

So, in other words, he's an asshole. Is that it?

Wait, don't go. This is actually helpful information. You're mooning over all the good things, dismissing all the bad things, which you know are unhelpful. In that one sentence above, you exposed both the problem and the solution. He's not a wild Ukranian flower with a few bad traits. He's a self-centered jerk with a great ass (or shoulders, or a jawline, or six-pack abs, or all of the above, or whatever).

What you're really after, then, is the skills to re-conceptualize your thinking about him, so you looking at him objectively. Less flower, more asshole. This is what cognitive behavioral therapy was invented for, to deal with cognitive distortions, just like this one.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 11:47 AM on July 16, 2015 [5 favorites]


Also something to consider: I'd look at what you feel is missing from your life that makes this guy seem so appealing. Are you bored? Feeling stuck? How can you work to make your life have the sort of excitement and fulfillment that this jerk is a stand-in for? Perhaps you could work on planning a trip of your own, finding a new hobby, reassessing your wardrobe and working out more so you feel like a "stunning wild [insert nationality] flower" yourself?! Even if you don't change anything about yourself, working on liking yourself for who you are is important and will help make this guy less attractive.
posted by smorgasbord at 11:53 AM on July 16, 2015 [2 favorites]


The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. - Dan Savage
posted by monologish at 12:18 PM on July 16, 2015 [2 favorites]


Headphones, loud music, one hundred smiles per day, do that in a mirror, it takes 1 1/2 minutes and changes neurochemistry for the better. It takes convincing to walk yourself away, but it is doable. I didn't like the idea he could see my social activity of wanting and regret, so I just didn't do it. There are other pleasures.
posted by Oyéah at 8:49 PM on July 16, 2015


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