Leaving group therapy, no hard feelings on my end
July 11, 2015 2:07 AM Subscribe
but the therapist isn't letting go so easily.
I have been going to a women's group therapy 2 hours, one night a week for 5 of the 8 weeks duration. I don't feel that I am getting a lot out of it in terms of connecting with the other 7 women in the group, although I do like all of them very much. It just doesn't feel all that insightful, which I think in large part comes from the lack of cohesiveness the meetings have, which I would guess is due to the moderators, one of whom is a therapist for most of us. I don't know, I just know that I gave it a go and feel un-enthused about it.
I like the therapist one on one a lot and will see her again, so it's not like there have been any major or even minor disagreements, I just don't want to spend one evening a week there for 3 more weeks. I told the therapist I had decided to not return for a number of reasons, none aimed at anyone in the group or her but rather personal issues that need my attention, and she's quite dismayed. She even suggested that I come to one more session to say good bye because often people feel rejected and abandoned when someone leaves without explanation (her text: "you know, groups have stages and when people confront and share what's going on lots of breakthroughs happen. I just wish you could help me understand. It is really hard if someone leaves without closure. Like an abandonment or rejection. Please think about just coming back to say goodbye or clear the air. You can have a voice." I don't feel comfortable doing this, mainly because I don't want to spend another evening there and also because doubt the other women will feel rejected and abandoned.
In response to this suggestion, I am planning to send an email out this weekend explaining my departure and to say good bye. The therapist thinks I should come to the group again to do it in person in order to obtain a more healthy closure--again, if I wanted to do that I would do so, but I don't want to because it would seem like a lot of hassle in this situation that doesn't really warrant it IMO. I feel a bit miffed that the therapist suggested I need to do this. A large point of our group is to empower us to not let others dictate our feelings but to take responsibility for our happiness, and I do believe most if not all of the women in my group won't think anything of it other than "oh, that's too bad, I really liked Waving", and then move on with the super awesome women still in the group.
I was in a group before that people left and I didn't feel abandoned in any way. In any case, I'm not leaving to reject anyone, so this request from the therapist just seems weird to me. However, perhaps my level of empathy needs to be raised up a bit? Does anyone see a point I am missing here? I'm not looking for permission to leave but rather insight that would help me understand the therapist's request.
I have been going to a women's group therapy 2 hours, one night a week for 5 of the 8 weeks duration. I don't feel that I am getting a lot out of it in terms of connecting with the other 7 women in the group, although I do like all of them very much. It just doesn't feel all that insightful, which I think in large part comes from the lack of cohesiveness the meetings have, which I would guess is due to the moderators, one of whom is a therapist for most of us. I don't know, I just know that I gave it a go and feel un-enthused about it.
I like the therapist one on one a lot and will see her again, so it's not like there have been any major or even minor disagreements, I just don't want to spend one evening a week there for 3 more weeks. I told the therapist I had decided to not return for a number of reasons, none aimed at anyone in the group or her but rather personal issues that need my attention, and she's quite dismayed. She even suggested that I come to one more session to say good bye because often people feel rejected and abandoned when someone leaves without explanation (her text: "you know, groups have stages and when people confront and share what's going on lots of breakthroughs happen. I just wish you could help me understand. It is really hard if someone leaves without closure. Like an abandonment or rejection. Please think about just coming back to say goodbye or clear the air. You can have a voice." I don't feel comfortable doing this, mainly because I don't want to spend another evening there and also because doubt the other women will feel rejected and abandoned.
In response to this suggestion, I am planning to send an email out this weekend explaining my departure and to say good bye. The therapist thinks I should come to the group again to do it in person in order to obtain a more healthy closure--again, if I wanted to do that I would do so, but I don't want to because it would seem like a lot of hassle in this situation that doesn't really warrant it IMO. I feel a bit miffed that the therapist suggested I need to do this. A large point of our group is to empower us to not let others dictate our feelings but to take responsibility for our happiness, and I do believe most if not all of the women in my group won't think anything of it other than "oh, that's too bad, I really liked Waving", and then move on with the super awesome women still in the group.
I was in a group before that people left and I didn't feel abandoned in any way. In any case, I'm not leaving to reject anyone, so this request from the therapist just seems weird to me. However, perhaps my level of empathy needs to be raised up a bit? Does anyone see a point I am missing here? I'm not looking for permission to leave but rather insight that would help me understand the therapist's request.
It's not maybe what you want to hear, but yes, proper endings are really important in group therapy. A person just suddenly not showing up can feel very much like loss, abandonment and rejection. You have all been in something together and there is something of a responsibility, if not to see it totally through, then at least to say goodbye properly. And having to face people and honestly say that there wasn't as deep as a connection as you'd wanted and explore why as a group (rather than a brief disembodied email where no one can really ask you any questions) might actually be really helpful, to you and the other members. It might even be worth looking at whether this is a pattern for you - abrupt endings where you don't think it matters to other people - and if so, where that comes from. So I think your therapist is respecting the group boundaries and hoping that you will too, and I agree with them. Sorry!
posted by billiebee at 2:44 AM on July 11, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by billiebee at 2:44 AM on July 11, 2015 [7 favorites]
I don't think there is any need/any reason for you to go to one last session just to say goodbye unless YOU want to.
The therapist may not be happy with this, but it is not your job to make her happy.
It is your job to manage your time and energy and money according to your needs and your priorities, not hers.
posted by Year of meteors at 3:17 AM on July 11, 2015 [15 favorites]
The therapist may not be happy with this, but it is not your job to make her happy.
It is your job to manage your time and energy and money according to your needs and your priorities, not hers.
posted by Year of meteors at 3:17 AM on July 11, 2015 [15 favorites]
I'll chime in from a generic group dynamics--not therapy group dynamics--situation. If I joined a class and was 5/8th through and the teacher was a bit miffed when I mentioned dropping out, I'd probably go to session 6, call in sick or be out of town for session 7, show up on time to last and final session 8, and bolt with an excuse as soon as it's over, in case there's any drawn-out farewells or planning for future get-togethers.
Like the other posters, I'm also wondering if the therapist has some specific insight into how other group members might take your sudden departure and is trying to head something off. Which obviously doesn't make you obligated to do anything but might explain a bit more what's going on.
posted by whitewall at 4:13 AM on July 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
Like the other posters, I'm also wondering if the therapist has some specific insight into how other group members might take your sudden departure and is trying to head something off. Which obviously doesn't make you obligated to do anything but might explain a bit more what's going on.
posted by whitewall at 4:13 AM on July 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
Irrespective of personal growth and group dynamics and the possibility that other group members may wish to have closure - you are still totally free to leave this group without even sending the email.
posted by koahiatamadl at 5:19 AM on July 11, 2015 [8 favorites]
posted by koahiatamadl at 5:19 AM on July 11, 2015 [8 favorites]
I'm not clear on what "eight weeks duration" means. Or what "cohesiveness" means. Is this a time-limited group? Or has it just existed for eight weeks so far? What kind of cohesion are you looking for in a group?
That you wouldn't feel abandoned doesn't mean that others won't. To me, it suggests that you have avoided feeling connected to the others. "Waving" is a communication from a distance; I question the place of closeness in your life.
IANYT but I think you need to give this group more of a chance.
posted by Obscure Reference at 5:37 AM on July 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
That you wouldn't feel abandoned doesn't mean that others won't. To me, it suggests that you have avoided feeling connected to the others. "Waving" is a communication from a distance; I question the place of closeness in your life.
IANYT but I think you need to give this group more of a chance.
posted by Obscure Reference at 5:37 AM on July 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
"Waving" is a communication from a distance;
"Waving" is the OP's username.
I think it's standard group therapy practice to say good bye in person to the group you are leaving. I think that's why the therapist is making the request. You are not obligated to do it, of course, but your therapist is asking you to do something that is in line with her training, and her professional understanding of this particular group's dynamics. Even if you don't feel rejected, others may, and that may be what your therapist is picking up on. Group therapy is about learning from each other and the moderator as a group, and when the dynamic changes because one person leaves, it can change the balance and 'feel' of the group. It's not the worst thing, by an means, if you leave without saying good bye. You should only go, if you feel comfortable doing so. And I think it's good that you're even thinking about it, as the therapist asked you to do.
posted by bluefly at 6:01 AM on July 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
"Waving" is the OP's username.
I think it's standard group therapy practice to say good bye in person to the group you are leaving. I think that's why the therapist is making the request. You are not obligated to do it, of course, but your therapist is asking you to do something that is in line with her training, and her professional understanding of this particular group's dynamics. Even if you don't feel rejected, others may, and that may be what your therapist is picking up on. Group therapy is about learning from each other and the moderator as a group, and when the dynamic changes because one person leaves, it can change the balance and 'feel' of the group. It's not the worst thing, by an means, if you leave without saying good bye. You should only go, if you feel comfortable doing so. And I think it's good that you're even thinking about it, as the therapist asked you to do.
posted by bluefly at 6:01 AM on July 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
Sometimes people on this site run together two things: what one has a "right" to do, and what a good or maybe even decent person would do.
Of course you have a "right" not to return; you are under no legal or moral obligation to attend the last three sessions. But I think a decent person would attend at least one more session, and a good person would attend the remaining three. It is, after all, approximately three hours of your life (or perhaps six if the group meets for two hours each session). Group therapy is for the well being of the group and not simply for the well being of each individual, and, frankly, I don't think three to six more hours is really going to set back your interests.
posted by girl flaneur at 6:18 AM on July 11, 2015 [6 favorites]
Of course you have a "right" not to return; you are under no legal or moral obligation to attend the last three sessions. But I think a decent person would attend at least one more session, and a good person would attend the remaining three. It is, after all, approximately three hours of your life (or perhaps six if the group meets for two hours each session). Group therapy is for the well being of the group and not simply for the well being of each individual, and, frankly, I don't think three to six more hours is really going to set back your interests.
posted by girl flaneur at 6:18 AM on July 11, 2015 [6 favorites]
I, personally, would have nothing to do with a therapist who sought to make me responsible for other people's feelings. If some member of the group has a problem that you leave without saying goodbye in person, that is their problem. Gist for the group mill. Don't be emotionally blackmailed by this person.
posted by txmon at 6:35 AM on July 11, 2015 [11 favorites]
posted by txmon at 6:35 AM on July 11, 2015 [11 favorites]
I, personally, would have nothing to do with a therapist who sought to make me responsible for other people's feelings.
I think this may be true if you're talking about other people in your life in general, but a moderator of a therapy group is bound to consider the needs of the group as a whole. I don't think it's blackmail as much as a plea to consider the OP's role within that group and not just as an individual. I think it's asking the OP to take ownership of that role as a group member and consider that their effect on the group dynamic may be more important than they think it is.
posted by billiebee at 6:52 AM on July 11, 2015 [18 favorites]
I think this may be true if you're talking about other people in your life in general, but a moderator of a therapy group is bound to consider the needs of the group as a whole. I don't think it's blackmail as much as a plea to consider the OP's role within that group and not just as an individual. I think it's asking the OP to take ownership of that role as a group member and consider that their effect on the group dynamic may be more important than they think it is.
posted by billiebee at 6:52 AM on July 11, 2015 [18 favorites]
As a person who's done group therapy, having someone leave without saying goodbye can be pretty disruptive, especially after spending five sessions with them. My vote is to go for one more session to say your goodbyes. If you had reasons beyond not getting enough out of it (which I get; group therapy--or other groups--doesn't always work for folks), fine, don't go back. But since your reason is 'meh,' I think it's respectful of the other members of the group to offer them this amount of closure.
posted by carrioncomfort at 6:53 AM on July 11, 2015 [8 favorites]
posted by carrioncomfort at 6:53 AM on July 11, 2015 [8 favorites]
Also, for what it's worth, a friend of mine was recently pressured not to drop out of group therapy, and after she pushed back, it turned out that the main reason was because they needed X patients paying $Y per week to make it financially viable.
I would not be at all surprised if that is one of the therapists motivations here - assuming that you pay per week as you go, not 8 weeks up front as a lump sum.
posted by Year of meteors at 6:54 AM on July 11, 2015 [7 favorites]
I would not be at all surprised if that is one of the therapists motivations here - assuming that you pay per week as you go, not 8 weeks up front as a lump sum.
posted by Year of meteors at 6:54 AM on July 11, 2015 [7 favorites]
It is odd to me to characterize this as being blackmailed, or made to be responsible for someone else's feelings, or incompatible with self-actualization. I think the therapist is trying to teach an important lesson: sometimes being an empowered adult involves keeping your commitments.
When you join a group you give up some of your personal freedom for the good of the whole. Like it or not, people form expectations that you will be present, and not meeting these expectations can have serious ramifications. This is true of all groups, but it is especially true of therapy groups which are supposed to be "safe spaces."
Of course, no one should be a doormat or a slave to the expectations of others. If, for example, you suddenly, unexpectedly, found yourself with the opportunity to travel around the world for free but would have to quit the group to do it, then it seems reasonable to stop going. But to stop just because you aren't really feelin' it and it seems like a hassle is, in my view, pretty shoddy behavior.
Being on the path to empowerment does not excuse jerkishness; sometimes self-actualized people do things that are annoying and not what they feel like doing.
posted by girl flaneur at 6:56 AM on July 11, 2015 [16 favorites]
When you join a group you give up some of your personal freedom for the good of the whole. Like it or not, people form expectations that you will be present, and not meeting these expectations can have serious ramifications. This is true of all groups, but it is especially true of therapy groups which are supposed to be "safe spaces."
Of course, no one should be a doormat or a slave to the expectations of others. If, for example, you suddenly, unexpectedly, found yourself with the opportunity to travel around the world for free but would have to quit the group to do it, then it seems reasonable to stop going. But to stop just because you aren't really feelin' it and it seems like a hassle is, in my view, pretty shoddy behavior.
Being on the path to empowerment does not excuse jerkishness; sometimes self-actualized people do things that are annoying and not what they feel like doing.
posted by girl flaneur at 6:56 AM on July 11, 2015 [16 favorites]
I think you should go to the last few sessions, or at least the next one, for two reasons: (1) it sounds as if it is the kindest course to take vis a vis the other patients, and your relationship as co-patient to them until now is significant enough to merit this kindness. (2), I think in the future when you look back on it, you will feel better about the whole experience if you see it through. If I were in this position, I know that while I would ABSOLUTELY want to quit (and would wish I'd never started,) if I did, the whole thing would seem embarrassing and negative and wrongheaded later on. I'd wake up at 2 in the morning going "ugh!!" about it.
You've found out you're not a good candidate for group therapy. But you've also come to like both the other participants and the therapist, right? It sounds like it's been, on balance, a positive experience overall, even if it's not therapeutic. I think quitting now will turn it into an overall negative. Just let it ride.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:35 AM on July 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
You've found out you're not a good candidate for group therapy. But you've also come to like both the other participants and the therapist, right? It sounds like it's been, on balance, a positive experience overall, even if it's not therapeutic. I think quitting now will turn it into an overall negative. Just let it ride.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:35 AM on July 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
I left my therapy group several months ago, after being a regular attendee for over a year. It was moreso for personal reasons (too emotionally and mentally draining, logistics of time/day of the group, etc...) than a lack of connection with other group members. Although I did feel emotionally distant from most of the members.
I also wanted to abruptly leave without saying goodbye. Mostly because I didn't think it would matter. Perhaps there would be a momentary 15 minute discussion, people would feign some interest in me leaving and maybe seem a little sad--but then they'd move on and I'd have to stick around for another hour and 15 minutes of some discussion which wouldn't engage me since I'd be leaving anyway. I did end up showing up and saying goodbye, especially since I had been such longstanding member.
I was shocked at the reactions I got. People talked the enormous impact I had on the group, how much they would miss me, ways they could make the group better for me in order to convince me to stay. We ended up talking about my departure for the entire group session. I opened up about my reasons for leaving and the things I had been struggling with for quite some time but didn't feel comfortable about discussing in the group. I actually attended one more session for closure because we couldn't cover everything in the 90 minutes.
If you really don't want to say goodbye, that's your choice. But it could be an illuminating experience for you and the other group members. Could you discuss with your therapist the possibility of saying goodbye and then leaving the group early?
You might be surprised at what impact your leaving has on the other group members. At the very least, maybe you could get some insight into why it's been difficult for you to connect to the other members.
posted by joeyjoejoejr at 8:52 AM on July 11, 2015 [7 favorites]
I also wanted to abruptly leave without saying goodbye. Mostly because I didn't think it would matter. Perhaps there would be a momentary 15 minute discussion, people would feign some interest in me leaving and maybe seem a little sad--but then they'd move on and I'd have to stick around for another hour and 15 minutes of some discussion which wouldn't engage me since I'd be leaving anyway. I did end up showing up and saying goodbye, especially since I had been such longstanding member.
I was shocked at the reactions I got. People talked the enormous impact I had on the group, how much they would miss me, ways they could make the group better for me in order to convince me to stay. We ended up talking about my departure for the entire group session. I opened up about my reasons for leaving and the things I had been struggling with for quite some time but didn't feel comfortable about discussing in the group. I actually attended one more session for closure because we couldn't cover everything in the 90 minutes.
If you really don't want to say goodbye, that's your choice. But it could be an illuminating experience for you and the other group members. Could you discuss with your therapist the possibility of saying goodbye and then leaving the group early?
You might be surprised at what impact your leaving has on the other group members. At the very least, maybe you could get some insight into why it's been difficult for you to connect to the other members.
posted by joeyjoejoejr at 8:52 AM on July 11, 2015 [7 favorites]
I did this with a therapy group I was leaving. Because I did it only at the facilitator's request, not for my own well-being but for the well-being of the group, I agreed to come in in person only if I did not have to pay for the session. I considered it a kindness to my therapist and to some of the others in the group. But I wasn't about to pay for it. So make sure that if you do decide to go, you will not be paying for any session that you are attending only at his request when you don't actually want to.
posted by decathecting at 10:09 AM on July 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by decathecting at 10:09 AM on July 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
Also, for what it's worth, a friend of mine was recently pressured not to drop out of group therapy, and after she pushed back, it turned out that the main reason was because they needed X patients paying $Y per week to make it financially viable.
I would not be at all surprised if that is one of the therapists motivations here - assuming that you pay per week as you go, not 8 weeks up front as a lump sum.
For perspective, I'd like to point out that if it's a non-profit group facilitating this support group, it may very well be that they need to keep group numbers up to justify in their proposal writing for funding for support groups that there are enough people in need of this specific service to justify funding it. I've volunteered with a local non-profit which provides such groups, and the pressure to justify needing funding for groups which are typified by people dropping out of them and/or not completing them is tremendous and crazy-making for those who do the proposal writing. There is constant ongoing need to provide safe spaces and support groups for people who are, to begin with, very unlikely to stick out attending a support group.
It could be that Years of meteors is correct and if that's the case, don't ignore your gut sense about the group or your therapist. But if my perspective feels like a better fit, then it's possible you are feeling some genuine pressure to stay for the sake of the group that's not necessarily coming from a self-serving place in your therapist.
To better address your question though: I was in a group before that people left and I didn't feel abandoned in any way. In any case, I'm not leaving to reject anyone, so this request from the therapist just seems weird to me. However, perhaps my level of empathy needs to be raised up a bit? Does anyone see a point I am missing here? I'm not looking for permission to leave but rather insight that would help me understand the therapist's request.
Respectfully, it may be that the group moderator sees dynamics that you have not -- such as that some other people will feel rejected or abandoned because they have grown accustomed to your presence and contributions, and they will feel thrown off by a sudden absence they were not prepared for. I agree with others that it is a responsibility of a group moderator to have consideration for needs at the group-level. That doesn't mean your individual rights are trumped, but it does mean there is a balancing act that involves communicating about what will work best at the individual and group level.
If you're wondering whether your level of empathy needs to be raised a bit and you're genuinely interested in pushing yourself to confront your issues, then I suggest going back for one last session to respectfully explain that you're stepping out and provide some low-key reasons as to why (which is not the same as justifying yourself -- it's just speaking for yourself that you're leaving and here's some non-rude, non-personal reasons why). Abrupt endings and people leaving a group may not have affected you personally in the past, however, that doesn't mean that your experience is what others experience in the same situation. The only way to know for sure is to go back, say a good-bye, and see for yourself. Good luck with whatever you decide.
posted by human ecologist at 10:12 AM on July 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
I would not be at all surprised if that is one of the therapists motivations here - assuming that you pay per week as you go, not 8 weeks up front as a lump sum.
For perspective, I'd like to point out that if it's a non-profit group facilitating this support group, it may very well be that they need to keep group numbers up to justify in their proposal writing for funding for support groups that there are enough people in need of this specific service to justify funding it. I've volunteered with a local non-profit which provides such groups, and the pressure to justify needing funding for groups which are typified by people dropping out of them and/or not completing them is tremendous and crazy-making for those who do the proposal writing. There is constant ongoing need to provide safe spaces and support groups for people who are, to begin with, very unlikely to stick out attending a support group.
It could be that Years of meteors is correct and if that's the case, don't ignore your gut sense about the group or your therapist. But if my perspective feels like a better fit, then it's possible you are feeling some genuine pressure to stay for the sake of the group that's not necessarily coming from a self-serving place in your therapist.
To better address your question though: I was in a group before that people left and I didn't feel abandoned in any way. In any case, I'm not leaving to reject anyone, so this request from the therapist just seems weird to me. However, perhaps my level of empathy needs to be raised up a bit? Does anyone see a point I am missing here? I'm not looking for permission to leave but rather insight that would help me understand the therapist's request.
Respectfully, it may be that the group moderator sees dynamics that you have not -- such as that some other people will feel rejected or abandoned because they have grown accustomed to your presence and contributions, and they will feel thrown off by a sudden absence they were not prepared for. I agree with others that it is a responsibility of a group moderator to have consideration for needs at the group-level. That doesn't mean your individual rights are trumped, but it does mean there is a balancing act that involves communicating about what will work best at the individual and group level.
If you're wondering whether your level of empathy needs to be raised a bit and you're genuinely interested in pushing yourself to confront your issues, then I suggest going back for one last session to respectfully explain that you're stepping out and provide some low-key reasons as to why (which is not the same as justifying yourself -- it's just speaking for yourself that you're leaving and here's some non-rude, non-personal reasons why). Abrupt endings and people leaving a group may not have affected you personally in the past, however, that doesn't mean that your experience is what others experience in the same situation. The only way to know for sure is to go back, say a good-bye, and see for yourself. Good luck with whatever you decide.
posted by human ecologist at 10:12 AM on July 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
I'm not looking for permission to leave but rather insight that would help me understand the therapist's request.
In some ways, it sounds like you gave your answer, and your therapist invalidated your feelings with a classic control tactic. You could flip the script, and express concerned confusion about why she doesn't understand your need to no longer participate in the group, and your need to have respect for your choices. It's not the most friendly communication tactic, and it does tend to put people on the defensive.
However, to give your therapist the benefit of the doubt, it may be helpful to assume that she didn't intend to make you feel responsible for her feelings, or for the feelings of the group, and to assume that she is not trying to politely bully you into doing something that you are not comfortable with. Attempts to affirm value statements can be a great way to trap hostile opposing parties who want to disagree with every question, but your therapist is not an adversary, so a conversation outside of text messages might help clear up the confusion.
A large point of our group is to empower us to not let others dictate our feelings but to take responsibility for our happiness
It seems weird to me that your therapist can't simply inform the group that you have other obligations and won't be attending additional sessions. Especially when you are saying "I just know that I gave it a go and feel un-enthused about it," because you might be subtly signalling disinterest if you attend, and that could further impact the feelings of cohesiveness in the group.
It seems possible that your therapist is clumsily trying to ensure that you understand how you are appreciated by the group, and that you may benefit from the closure of a final session. It probably would have been helpful if she didn't use text messages for this kind of conversation, or had qualified her text with 'however, I respect your decision to not continue group therapy, if that is what you decide to do.'
posted by Little Dawn at 10:20 AM on July 11, 2015 [6 favorites]
her text: "you know, groups have stages and when people confront and share what's going on lots of breakthroughs happen. I just wish you could help me understand. It is really hard if someone leaves without closure. Like an abandonment or rejection. Please think about just coming back to say goodbye or clear the air. You can have a voice."This seems like a good example of why to avoid texting for in-depth communication with clients. I am adamant about this as an attorney, because I don't want to risk misunderstandings that can occur in limited bursts of messages. Perhaps this is a misunderstanding, but "I just wish you could help me understand" is a tactic I've used when cross-examining a hostile defendant. It's a way to box people into a corner, and it can be very effective.
In some ways, it sounds like you gave your answer, and your therapist invalidated your feelings with a classic control tactic. You could flip the script, and express concerned confusion about why she doesn't understand your need to no longer participate in the group, and your need to have respect for your choices. It's not the most friendly communication tactic, and it does tend to put people on the defensive.
However, to give your therapist the benefit of the doubt, it may be helpful to assume that she didn't intend to make you feel responsible for her feelings, or for the feelings of the group, and to assume that she is not trying to politely bully you into doing something that you are not comfortable with. Attempts to affirm value statements can be a great way to trap hostile opposing parties who want to disagree with every question, but your therapist is not an adversary, so a conversation outside of text messages might help clear up the confusion.
A large point of our group is to empower us to not let others dictate our feelings but to take responsibility for our happiness
It seems weird to me that your therapist can't simply inform the group that you have other obligations and won't be attending additional sessions. Especially when you are saying "I just know that I gave it a go and feel un-enthused about it," because you might be subtly signalling disinterest if you attend, and that could further impact the feelings of cohesiveness in the group.
It seems possible that your therapist is clumsily trying to ensure that you understand how you are appreciated by the group, and that you may benefit from the closure of a final session. It probably would have been helpful if she didn't use text messages for this kind of conversation, or had qualified her text with 'however, I respect your decision to not continue group therapy, if that is what you decide to do.'
posted by Little Dawn at 10:20 AM on July 11, 2015 [6 favorites]
I was also in group and individual therapy for a while. I hated the group portion. The therapist who led it was not my normal therapist and had a very loud, grating voice. She was just one of those people that I automatically don't like and never warm up to. I'd leave the sessions feeling more anxious and jangled than when I went in.
I expressed this to my individual therapist and it turns out, as part of the DBT program I was in, that if I dropped group I had to discontinue individual therapy. I had to complete the group course to stay with my therapist, who I really liked and found helpful. Perhaps, if your situation is similar, your therapist is trying to talk you into sticking it out to avoid dropping the bad news that if you're out of group, you're out of one-on-one.
Honestly, it's three more weeks of your life. You can do it. Maybe skip one week, but seriously, you can finish it up. Just stare at the wall and find a happy place. Six hours over the course of the rest of your life is a blip in the big picture.
posted by mibo at 10:48 AM on July 11, 2015
I expressed this to my individual therapist and it turns out, as part of the DBT program I was in, that if I dropped group I had to discontinue individual therapy. I had to complete the group course to stay with my therapist, who I really liked and found helpful. Perhaps, if your situation is similar, your therapist is trying to talk you into sticking it out to avoid dropping the bad news that if you're out of group, you're out of one-on-one.
Honestly, it's three more weeks of your life. You can do it. Maybe skip one week, but seriously, you can finish it up. Just stare at the wall and find a happy place. Six hours over the course of the rest of your life is a blip in the big picture.
posted by mibo at 10:48 AM on July 11, 2015
It seems weird to me that your therapist can't simply inform the group that you have other obligations and won't be attending additional sessions. Especially when you are saying "I just know that I gave it a go and feel un-enthused about it," because you might be subtly signalling disinterest if you attend, and that could further impact the feelings of cohesiveness in the group.
The therapist obviously could, but part of the purpose of therapy is to help people identify their own emotions and express those emotions to the appropriate people. There is a huge emphasis during training placed on termination (therapy speak for "ending therapy") and how to do so in ethical ways that respect clients' (likely mixed) feelings about it and honor it as an ending and a transition, rather than minimizing it. The therapist, to practice ethically, will need to help the other group members process your leaving and what it means for them, whether or not you're there, and should very much be encouraging you to do that same processing work. The easiest and most emotionally honest way of doing that is to ask you to attend at least one more session so you can all speak to each other about your feelings.
We tend, as a society, to act as if endings are not that big a deal, or shouldn't be that big a deal, and that we can break off connections without much thought. It leaves us ill equipped for many life- and relationship-transitions. Even if you don't have a huge connection to this group of people, you might consider going back and working through your feelings with them as a good practice for doing the same in higher-stakes situations (and practicing these sorts of emotional things in lower-stakes situations is pretty much the exact point of therapy).
posted by jaguar at 12:44 PM on July 11, 2015 [11 favorites]
The therapist obviously could, but part of the purpose of therapy is to help people identify their own emotions and express those emotions to the appropriate people. There is a huge emphasis during training placed on termination (therapy speak for "ending therapy") and how to do so in ethical ways that respect clients' (likely mixed) feelings about it and honor it as an ending and a transition, rather than minimizing it. The therapist, to practice ethically, will need to help the other group members process your leaving and what it means for them, whether or not you're there, and should very much be encouraging you to do that same processing work. The easiest and most emotionally honest way of doing that is to ask you to attend at least one more session so you can all speak to each other about your feelings.
We tend, as a society, to act as if endings are not that big a deal, or shouldn't be that big a deal, and that we can break off connections without much thought. It leaves us ill equipped for many life- and relationship-transitions. Even if you don't have a huge connection to this group of people, you might consider going back and working through your feelings with them as a good practice for doing the same in higher-stakes situations (and practicing these sorts of emotional things in lower-stakes situations is pretty much the exact point of therapy).
posted by jaguar at 12:44 PM on July 11, 2015 [11 favorites]
Since you made a commitment to the group, it honestly seems odd to me that you're leaving more than halfway through. You wanted, presumably, to relate to other people better within a particular structure. Why not use it as practice for when you feel meh about a group? Whether you stay or leave, doing so within the structure of the group seems like the most respectful way to go about it. Obviously you have a right to go or not go, but I'd make sure you understand why you feel so vehemently against processing your decision with the group.
My mother, a therapist, has told me that the moment where you are feeling bored and anxious to shake off therapy is frequently the moment where something important is about to happen -- it's as if your mind is trying to protect itself from having to go there.
YTMV.
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 2:27 PM on July 11, 2015 [6 favorites]
My mother, a therapist, has told me that the moment where you are feeling bored and anxious to shake off therapy is frequently the moment where something important is about to happen -- it's as if your mind is trying to protect itself from having to go there.
YTMV.
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 2:27 PM on July 11, 2015 [6 favorites]
Many years ago, I did group therapy at the suggestion / insistence of my (new) therapist. I was asked to commit to 12 sessions (at approx $35 / session).
Without going into details, the group and I did not 'bond' and there was a lot of power-tripping by the therapist and her husband (who ran the sessions with her). After 6 sessions I was sick of it, and when I told the therapist I was dropping out, she immediately gave me the hard sell about how I had to complete all 12 sessions. Or, at least, come back for a Goodbye session. I asked if I would have to pay for the Goodbye session, and she said "of course" and I got up and left and never saw her or the group again.
Maybe I was in the wrong group, or with the wrong therapist. I don't know. I do know that I observed a lot of manipulation (some of it quite petty) and shaming and some of it was almost like a cult: the group was very attuned to the therapist and her husband, and would quickly and eagerly jump in to pile on an individual (who, for the record, was rarely me). I think the breaking point for me was when one fellow talked about how he'd been doing group for 10 years and it had helped him immensely.
My point with all of this is that the group I wandered into seemed like some kind of scam. I didn't feel any obligation to attend a last meeting. YMMV, of course.
posted by doctor tough love at 11:45 PM on July 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
Without going into details, the group and I did not 'bond' and there was a lot of power-tripping by the therapist and her husband (who ran the sessions with her). After 6 sessions I was sick of it, and when I told the therapist I was dropping out, she immediately gave me the hard sell about how I had to complete all 12 sessions. Or, at least, come back for a Goodbye session. I asked if I would have to pay for the Goodbye session, and she said "of course" and I got up and left and never saw her or the group again.
Maybe I was in the wrong group, or with the wrong therapist. I don't know. I do know that I observed a lot of manipulation (some of it quite petty) and shaming and some of it was almost like a cult: the group was very attuned to the therapist and her husband, and would quickly and eagerly jump in to pile on an individual (who, for the record, was rarely me). I think the breaking point for me was when one fellow talked about how he'd been doing group for 10 years and it had helped him immensely.
My point with all of this is that the group I wandered into seemed like some kind of scam. I didn't feel any obligation to attend a last meeting. YMMV, of course.
posted by doctor tough love at 11:45 PM on July 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
Your first responsibility is to yourself. Do what is best for you, not what is best for someone else (unless the two things align in some way, and even then, make the best choice for YOU).
Perhaps you could use this as experience in asserting yourself, walking away from something and setting a boundary for yourself, while the rest of the group could use it to gain experience in handling unexpected endings. They do happen in real life, after all, and group therapy might be the best place for the individuals in the group to process your leaving.
posted by Solomon at 1:41 AM on July 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
Perhaps you could use this as experience in asserting yourself, walking away from something and setting a boundary for yourself, while the rest of the group could use it to gain experience in handling unexpected endings. They do happen in real life, after all, and group therapy might be the best place for the individuals in the group to process your leaving.
posted by Solomon at 1:41 AM on July 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
When I first read your question I was ready to say I agreed with you, that you shouldn't go and the group would go on just fine. I felt and saw it exactly as you did. But then I read others' responses.
It would be a nice thing for you to go at least one last time, and I think it'll be helpful for you. You can look back at something sweet you did even though you didn't want to. And it may help you say goodbye in an uncomfortable situation in the future.
If you're worried about your departure becoming the subject of the entire 2 hour session, maybe you could tell your therapist you'd like to bring it up when there's about 15-20 minutes left.
posted by blackzinfandel at 6:47 AM on July 12, 2015
It would be a nice thing for you to go at least one last time, and I think it'll be helpful for you. You can look back at something sweet you did even though you didn't want to. And it may help you say goodbye in an uncomfortable situation in the future.
If you're worried about your departure becoming the subject of the entire 2 hour session, maybe you could tell your therapist you'd like to bring it up when there's about 15-20 minutes left.
posted by blackzinfandel at 6:47 AM on July 12, 2015
An email from you will be "closure" enough. Look at your therapist's actions here instead of her words: she texted that guilt-trippy message to you instead of picking up the phone or discussing her concerns with you in person. WTF, therapist? It is therefore hypocritical of her to demand you show up in person against your wishes instead of sending the group a goodbye email or doing nothing-- and if it's showing up at your own expense for a session you have to pay for and she financially benefits? Nope, that's just galling. Really can't believe some of the responses here suggesting you would not be a "good" nor "decent" person if you didn't show up. Please ignore that anti-feminist noise and carry on with your boundary work.
posted by hush at 8:04 AM on July 12, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by hush at 8:04 AM on July 12, 2015 [5 favorites]
> ... sometimes being an empowered adult involves keeping your commitments.
> Since you made a commitment to the group ...
I find myself questioning what (if any) commitment was made by the OP. Was she asked to commit? If so, was any of this stuff about "leaving without closure" etc discussed? In short, I think using the word "commit" is an attempt to shame / guilt the OP into staying with the group.
(And yes, this is one of the issues I had with group therapy when I did it: I was asked to "commit" to 'it', where 'it' was was something I knew nothing about and which was never defined. Although after a time it became apparent that as least part of 'it' involved doing whatever my therapist told me to do).
So I question whether or not this was any kind of commitment at all. Thinking about it, I'd bet that "person wants to leave the group" is a not-infrequent issue for group therapists. When someone considers group therapy, do group therapists typically sit down with them and go over the entire process and discuss the importance of 'closure' etc? Mine did not. Perhaps a good group therapist will do this? It is unclear whether or not OP's group therapist did so.
posted by doctor tough love at 10:06 AM on July 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
> Since you made a commitment to the group ...
I find myself questioning what (if any) commitment was made by the OP. Was she asked to commit? If so, was any of this stuff about "leaving without closure" etc discussed? In short, I think using the word "commit" is an attempt to shame / guilt the OP into staying with the group.
(And yes, this is one of the issues I had with group therapy when I did it: I was asked to "commit" to 'it', where 'it' was was something I knew nothing about and which was never defined. Although after a time it became apparent that as least part of 'it' involved doing whatever my therapist told me to do).
So I question whether or not this was any kind of commitment at all. Thinking about it, I'd bet that "person wants to leave the group" is a not-infrequent issue for group therapists. When someone considers group therapy, do group therapists typically sit down with them and go over the entire process and discuss the importance of 'closure' etc? Mine did not. Perhaps a good group therapist will do this? It is unclear whether or not OP's group therapist did so.
posted by doctor tough love at 10:06 AM on July 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
I find myself questioning what (if any) commitment was made by the OP. Was she asked to commit?
Her question implies that it's an eight-week closed group. Participants in time-limited groups, especially groups that short, are generally asked to commit to the entire X-week session, because it can be extremely disruptive to the group to have people dropping in and out. "Drop-in groups" are specifically structured to accommodate for people coming or not coming as they like. There are other types of groups, but those are the two most common.
posted by jaguar at 2:46 PM on July 12, 2015
Her question implies that it's an eight-week closed group. Participants in time-limited groups, especially groups that short, are generally asked to commit to the entire X-week session, because it can be extremely disruptive to the group to have people dropping in and out. "Drop-in groups" are specifically structured to accommodate for people coming or not coming as they like. There are other types of groups, but those are the two most common.
posted by jaguar at 2:46 PM on July 12, 2015
Response by poster: So many interesting comments, thanks for your help. I agree with both ends of the spectrum in that I don't think my therapist's comment was appropriate. A guilt loaded comment shouldn't be used as a "motivator" to keep someone in a group therapy that does not want to be there. Honestly, everyone in the group is there to help herself and if that help isn't being provided or perceived, then they shouldn't feel pressured to stay for the "good of the group". Me nor anyone else there intends to negatively impact the others, and dropping out wouldn't not be an intentional slight to anyone but rather a premature exit, nothing more. This is therapy not a team building exercise. However, the comments suggesting that I continue to go or at least say good bye are were carefully considered since would be good for me to see this through, so I appreciate that insight. I did end up going and put more effort into vocalizing my feelings, exploring my role in my lack of enthusiasm. It was helpful and I did get good feedback and support from the group. A couple of people echoed my sentiment of not coming back but coming anyway to see it through. I appreciate all of the comments, many of which I hadn't considered prior, and I do see where my lack of consideration would negatively impact me and possibly other group members. I won't be likely to sign up for group again any time soon given the expectation of a strong commitment that I hadn't realized before.
posted by waving at 7:26 AM on July 14, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by waving at 7:26 AM on July 14, 2015 [3 favorites]
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Given the finite nature of this group I'd say go at least two more times if you really can't make it for all three, or bare minimum at least once to talk about your leaving.
Fwiw, I speak as both a group participant who did find the slow transition helpful albeit awkward, and as a group-leaver who found the whole "leaving and talking about it" thing extremely challenging but a worthwhile experience in practicing to say to others, face to face!, "this is what I need (no more group), and here's why". It was surprisingly empowering all around and truly part of the process.
posted by ArgyleMarionette at 2:37 AM on July 11, 2015 [19 favorites]