Yet another "should I contact my ex" question.
July 10, 2015 10:29 AM Subscribe
We dated, became engaged, lived together, went long-distance, and then she broke up with me. This all transpired over a ~4 year period in the mid 1990s. I think the last time we spoke was in 1999. I recall that I was still really hurt by the whole thing during our last meeting; She initiated our last conversation, and left the ball in my court, so-to-speak, for me to initiate any future conversation. I was uninterested in doing that for many, many years.
Why do I want to contact her now? I enjoy catching up with old friends. Sure, she's very different than an "old friend" but she walked side-by-side with me through some very formative years... I'd enjoy her perspective, I think. I'm very happy in my marriage, FWIW. Of all my exes, my wife has volunteered (unprompted) that she would not be bothered if I talked to the one in question. (Whereas she would be very upset if I contacted others, whom I have no intention of contacting.)
I wrote the following missive as a way to open the channel. The information I have on her now is only what is publicly available on the web or Facebook.
"Dearest X:
I want to share with you that you were right, way back when. One of the major motivations of yours that I recall, when you were ending it with me, was that our aspirations were fundamentally incompatible. I wanted to become a professor, in whatever location could work. You wanted to do big city law-firm stuff. I definitely wanted to have kids; you were (very) unsure about kids. I thought that people change over time and that our aspirations could grow together if we let them. You disagreed. This is my memory. It might not be yours.
Certainly my life, 15+ years onward, looks remarkably like my aspiration. From what I can tell, your life looks like your aspiration. Well played, Ms. Pond."
I know that outside of STDs and surprise-babies, Ask-MeFi seems to look poorly on contacting exes. Is this a possible exception to the rule?
Why do I want to contact her now? I enjoy catching up with old friends. Sure, she's very different than an "old friend" but she walked side-by-side with me through some very formative years... I'd enjoy her perspective, I think. I'm very happy in my marriage, FWIW. Of all my exes, my wife has volunteered (unprompted) that she would not be bothered if I talked to the one in question. (Whereas she would be very upset if I contacted others, whom I have no intention of contacting.)
I wrote the following missive as a way to open the channel. The information I have on her now is only what is publicly available on the web or Facebook.
"Dearest X:
I want to share with you that you were right, way back when. One of the major motivations of yours that I recall, when you were ending it with me, was that our aspirations were fundamentally incompatible. I wanted to become a professor, in whatever location could work. You wanted to do big city law-firm stuff. I definitely wanted to have kids; you were (very) unsure about kids. I thought that people change over time and that our aspirations could grow together if we let them. You disagreed. This is my memory. It might not be yours.
Certainly my life, 15+ years onward, looks remarkably like my aspiration. From what I can tell, your life looks like your aspiration. Well played, Ms. Pond."
I know that outside of STDs and surprise-babies, Ask-MeFi seems to look poorly on contacting exes. Is this a possible exception to the rule?
Yeah, I would start with just pleasantries and take her temperature before you start talking about old times or whatever.
posted by selfnoise at 10:36 AM on July 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by selfnoise at 10:36 AM on July 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
I think in your circumstance, sending a "Hi, how are you? I've been thinking about you and wanted to get back in touch" note is fine and appropriate. This message you've typed here seems not to be the right way to do it because:
1. It rehashes your break-up
2. It seems a bit judgmental
3. "Well played, Ms. Pond!" reads like snark
4. It demonstrates you've been google-stalking her.
Just send a note that says "[Some non-stalkery thing--like a movie you saw together or a song you used to play for each other] made me think of you and I wanted to say hello. How have you been?"
posted by crush-onastick at 10:36 AM on July 10, 2015 [13 favorites]
1. It rehashes your break-up
2. It seems a bit judgmental
3. "Well played, Ms. Pond!" reads like snark
4. It demonstrates you've been google-stalking her.
Just send a note that says "[Some non-stalkery thing--like a movie you saw together or a song you used to play for each other] made me think of you and I wanted to say hello. How have you been?"
posted by crush-onastick at 10:36 AM on July 10, 2015 [13 favorites]
No. FWIW, I think that email sounds pretty obnoxious and condescending and I definitely would not send it, particularly in light of the fact that you actually don't know anything about her life. If she's going though a hard time right now for some reason -- job or relationship trouble, say -- that email is going to hit her right where it hurts. Just leave her alone.
posted by holborne at 10:36 AM on July 10, 2015 [26 favorites]
posted by holborne at 10:36 AM on July 10, 2015 [26 favorites]
Reaching out for a quick hello is one thing, but I would feel very strange receiving the sort of message you're thinking of sending. There is no need to rehash the past that way- if you're both living the lives you dreamed of, then everybody is happy and there's no reason to bring it up. For all you know, she's going through a really tough time right now and would be very hurt to have you pop up saying, Surprise! I'm doing GREAT with you! (Your AskMe question from 9 days ago makes me suspect there's an element of bragging in this whole endeavor) Just leave it alone.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 10:39 AM on July 10, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 10:39 AM on July 10, 2015 [3 favorites]
This is a great thing to bring to a therapist. This is not something your ex should have to shoulder.
posted by disconnect at 10:40 AM on July 10, 2015 [12 favorites]
posted by disconnect at 10:40 AM on July 10, 2015 [12 favorites]
Nope. It's not just always a bad idea, your note is creepy and if I received it I would go on a blocking spree and it would probably ruin my weekend.
If you absolutely must contact, you start with "Hey, how are you?" You do not presume she wants to know what you think about her life, or know about yours. But you should decide what your motivations are before you send even that.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:40 AM on July 10, 2015 [12 favorites]
If you absolutely must contact, you start with "Hey, how are you?" You do not presume she wants to know what you think about her life, or know about yours. But you should decide what your motivations are before you send even that.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:40 AM on July 10, 2015 [12 favorites]
Echoing the sentiment that the message you composed is too intimate for someone you haven't bothered to talk to in 15 years.
Look at your motives in doing this very carefully and examine whether you're contacting her for her benefit or for yours. If it's for yours, consider holding off until you can honestly contact her for her benefit.
posted by infinitewindow at 10:41 AM on July 10, 2015 [3 favorites]
Look at your motives in doing this very carefully and examine whether you're contacting her for her benefit or for yours. If it's for yours, consider holding off until you can honestly contact her for her benefit.
posted by infinitewindow at 10:41 AM on July 10, 2015 [3 favorites]
Yeah, I just read your last AskMe, and uh, yeah. Don't send the email, and maybe also try to remember you're not always going to feel quite so pleased with yourself as you seem to right now.
posted by holborne at 10:42 AM on July 10, 2015 [28 favorites]
posted by holborne at 10:42 AM on July 10, 2015 [28 favorites]
That opening paragraph is way too heavy for “just catching up”, if that’s really all you want to do.
How about friending her on Facebook and maybe include a one sentence message of “hey, long time no chat, hope you’re doing great!”?
posted by Diskeater at 10:43 AM on July 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
How about friending her on Facebook and maybe include a one sentence message of “hey, long time no chat, hope you’re doing great!”?
posted by Diskeater at 10:43 AM on July 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
I was thinking "why not, this seems like one of those cases where it might not be a bad idea" right up until I got to your proposed message. Sorry to pile on here, but it sounds really weirdly off and confrontational. My feeling is that whatever impulse is making you want to contact her right now is not a good one.
posted by prize bull octorok at 10:45 AM on July 10, 2015 [8 favorites]
posted by prize bull octorok at 10:45 AM on July 10, 2015 [8 favorites]
That email is ... cringeworthy. It's not even a line of communication you're opening, just dumping a bunch of pretentiously-phrased past in her lap with some bragging on top and saying "your move!" when it's not even clear what your move even is.
posted by griphus at 10:48 AM on July 10, 2015 [34 favorites]
posted by griphus at 10:48 AM on July 10, 2015 [34 favorites]
yeah in light of your other Ask this feels weirdly like "oh, look, there's one other person I haven't told about how great things are for me, maybe I should tell her too." You say "you were right" but your whole message sounds like "neener neener."
Maybe instead of reaching out to an ex from 15 years ago, sit for a little while and do some processing about what's really going on with you right now.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 10:48 AM on July 10, 2015 [38 favorites]
Maybe instead of reaching out to an ex from 15 years ago, sit for a little while and do some processing about what's really going on with you right now.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 10:48 AM on July 10, 2015 [38 favorites]
I feel like the point of your letter as written isn't to begin a dialogue at all. In light of your last question, it seems like you might have taken the advise to tone down the brag that might be offputting to friends and colleagues, you are still bursting to do this and are going down the list of people you can brag to, and she's on it. It reads as somewhat nyaa nyaa.
posted by WesterbergHigh at 10:52 AM on July 10, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by WesterbergHigh at 10:52 AM on July 10, 2015 [6 favorites]
This is so weird. Just send a normal brief message, "Hey, long time no see! Hope you're doing well.". See where things go from there.
posted by Aranquis at 10:52 AM on July 10, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by Aranquis at 10:52 AM on July 10, 2015 [4 favorites]
oof jinx, Blast Hardcheese.
posted by WesterbergHigh at 10:52 AM on July 10, 2015
posted by WesterbergHigh at 10:52 AM on July 10, 2015
If I were to get a message like that from my ex fiance (whom, for various and significant reasons, I have not spoken to in over 10 years), my first reaction would be...not good, to say the least. It comes off as braggy at best and passively manipulative at worst. I would wonder what exactly you hoped to get out of this interaction.
If you feel like you must contact her for your own satisfaction, a simple "hey how are you" or a friend request will do the trick. Be prepared for radio silence, though. 15 years of no contact doesn't happen without a reason.
posted by picklesthezombie at 10:52 AM on July 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
If you feel like you must contact her for your own satisfaction, a simple "hey how are you" or a friend request will do the trick. Be prepared for radio silence, though. 15 years of no contact doesn't happen without a reason.
posted by picklesthezombie at 10:52 AM on July 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
I literally said, "oh no no no no no" out loud just now when I read what you wrote there.
Look I'm just going to spill my immediate thoughts and hope they make sense to you: It sounds like something you write to someone you broke up with, like, six months ago. It also sounds a bit whiny, like you're still trying hard to impress her. It also sounds a bit "gotcha" - hey big law girl, see how well I'm doing?
The whole thing is just noooooooope.
Email her something like this:
"Came across this profile and wanted to say congrats on your success. Hope you're doing well otherwise. The wife and I are planning on vacationing in Bora Bora soon, it's going to be great. Cheers, xxxxx."
posted by quincunx at 10:56 AM on July 10, 2015 [13 favorites]
Look I'm just going to spill my immediate thoughts and hope they make sense to you: It sounds like something you write to someone you broke up with, like, six months ago. It also sounds a bit whiny, like you're still trying hard to impress her. It also sounds a bit "gotcha" - hey big law girl, see how well I'm doing?
The whole thing is just noooooooope.
Email her something like this:
"Came across this profile and wanted to say congrats on your success. Hope you're doing well otherwise. The wife and I are planning on vacationing in Bora Bora soon, it's going to be great. Cheers, xxxxx."
posted by quincunx at 10:56 AM on July 10, 2015 [13 favorites]
Having read your last Ask, I get the impression that you only want to reach out to this person in order to not-so-humblebrag. Like maybe you're afraid that your actual friends and acquaintances have grown weary of hearing just how incredibly, amazingly well you're doing, but you still feel the need to put all those emotions SOMEWHERE, so you're like, "OK, well, why not unload these feelings onto someone who's a virtual stranger to me and unlikely to respond anyway? Seems harmless enough!"
But as someone who has been on the receiving end of a message eerily similar to yours, and who once sent one (spoiler alert: it was a dick move and I regret it with every ounce of soul I possess), I have to remind you that she's a person with her own life, 15 years grown from when you knew her. Missives like this are very obviously sent for entirely selfish purposes, with zero acknowledgement of the other party's thoughts or feelings or existence as an actual thinking, feeling human being. It really just sounds like you're looking for an outlet for some unresolved feelings you have about yourself and your own life, as opposed to being remotely curious about how she's doing (there's not a single question mark in your message) or just saying hello.
Give it a pass FOR SURE, but if you're going to insist on reaching out anyway, turn down the braggadocio by about 75%, delete any/all references to your breakup, and PLEASE refrain from using the salutation "Dearest." Just no.
posted by divined by radio at 10:56 AM on July 10, 2015 [6 favorites]
But as someone who has been on the receiving end of a message eerily similar to yours, and who once sent one (spoiler alert: it was a dick move and I regret it with every ounce of soul I possess), I have to remind you that she's a person with her own life, 15 years grown from when you knew her. Missives like this are very obviously sent for entirely selfish purposes, with zero acknowledgement of the other party's thoughts or feelings or existence as an actual thinking, feeling human being. It really just sounds like you're looking for an outlet for some unresolved feelings you have about yourself and your own life, as opposed to being remotely curious about how she's doing (there's not a single question mark in your message) or just saying hello.
Give it a pass FOR SURE, but if you're going to insist on reaching out anyway, turn down the braggadocio by about 75%, delete any/all references to your breakup, and PLEASE refrain from using the salutation "Dearest." Just no.
posted by divined by radio at 10:56 AM on July 10, 2015 [6 favorites]
Personally I would read this as stirring up drama, especially when from their perspective I would have most certainly moved on from an ex after 15(!) years.
And in general it also reads a like you're a little bored. Maybe things are going so good and now you want to stir stuff up? Enjoy the good easy pace of life as it is. It won't always be so sunny skies, life throws curveballs, so enjoy the happy boredom without making it any more complex for yourself.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 10:56 AM on July 10, 2015 [4 favorites]
And in general it also reads a like you're a little bored. Maybe things are going so good and now you want to stir stuff up? Enjoy the good easy pace of life as it is. It won't always be so sunny skies, life throws curveballs, so enjoy the happy boredom without making it any more complex for yourself.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 10:56 AM on July 10, 2015 [4 favorites]
I'm generally pretty anti-contacting exes, but if in your last conversation she explicitly said "Hey, if you ever feel more comfortable about being in touch in future I'd love to hear from you" as it seems she may have, then okay, get in touch. But oh god, do not do not do NOT do it the way you have here. Do not make it about your past relationship, about how great your life is now, or about what you've gleaned from trying to follow her around on the Internet.
At most, keep it a very short, sweet, "Hey, I was thinking of you recently and thought I would say hello. If you're still open to being in touch, I'd love to hear how your life is going." That's it. You can open up the conversation and she can decide if she wants it, and if so, then at that point you can talk. Even then, I would keep it about your current lives, and make sure you listen more than you talk, given your last Ask posting. No rehashing. Minimal bragging. If you can't do that, then I think you're misleading yourself about your motivations here, and should not be opening this door.
posted by Stacey at 11:00 AM on July 10, 2015 [4 favorites]
At most, keep it a very short, sweet, "Hey, I was thinking of you recently and thought I would say hello. If you're still open to being in touch, I'd love to hear how your life is going." That's it. You can open up the conversation and she can decide if she wants it, and if so, then at that point you can talk. Even then, I would keep it about your current lives, and make sure you listen more than you talk, given your last Ask posting. No rehashing. Minimal bragging. If you can't do that, then I think you're misleading yourself about your motivations here, and should not be opening this door.
posted by Stacey at 11:00 AM on July 10, 2015 [4 favorites]
Did you get a therapist? That's who you talk about this stuff with.
I felt bad after your last question because it felt like a pile on, but now I'm firmly in the camp of "Come on, dude, give your self-congratulations a rest."
I can't tell you how angry and creeped out I would be to get your message from an ex - any ex.
Life throws us good and bad. You've got a lot of good right now. No need to brag. Put your head down. Love the people who love you now. Ask yourself why you want to rub the noses of other people in your current success. And hunker down, because every time I've felt even half as good as you seem to want people to think you feel right now, life has come along and whacked me right on the nose and put me in my place.
Are you actually deep down not at all as chuffed with yourself as you think you should be or something?
Every time I've had good fortune that came from my hard work I've felt nothing but like I'm in a dream that I don't want to disturb so that I don't have to wake up from it. Stop poking the bear and put your head down and learn a bit about humility and how to be humble. You need it. Sorry to be harsh.
posted by sockermom at 11:01 AM on July 10, 2015 [18 favorites]
I felt bad after your last question because it felt like a pile on, but now I'm firmly in the camp of "Come on, dude, give your self-congratulations a rest."
I can't tell you how angry and creeped out I would be to get your message from an ex - any ex.
Life throws us good and bad. You've got a lot of good right now. No need to brag. Put your head down. Love the people who love you now. Ask yourself why you want to rub the noses of other people in your current success. And hunker down, because every time I've felt even half as good as you seem to want people to think you feel right now, life has come along and whacked me right on the nose and put me in my place.
Are you actually deep down not at all as chuffed with yourself as you think you should be or something?
Every time I've had good fortune that came from my hard work I've felt nothing but like I'm in a dream that I don't want to disturb so that I don't have to wake up from it. Stop poking the bear and put your head down and learn a bit about humility and how to be humble. You need it. Sorry to be harsh.
posted by sockermom at 11:01 AM on July 10, 2015 [18 favorites]
You have moved on. There is only one reason you want to re-initiate contact with her... no good can come of this.
posted by brownrd at 11:01 AM on July 10, 2015
posted by brownrd at 11:01 AM on July 10, 2015
I think the last time we spoke was in 1999.
You have no reason to contact her.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 11:50 AM on July 10, 2015 [8 favorites]
You have no reason to contact her.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 11:50 AM on July 10, 2015 [8 favorites]
Yeah, no.
I agree with the consensus here. It's probably fine to reach out to say hi, but absolutely not in the way you've worded it here. Frankly, the fact that you're beanplating this question here makes me question whether you should reconnect at all.
But if you do want to, you need to drop her a quick line.
"Hey, how's it going? I just heard the latest Red Hot Chili Peppers song on the radio, and that made me think of you. Hope you're doing well!"
I mean, you don't need to follow that formulation. But you absolutely should not call her "dearest" anything. Nor should you rehash your relationship or your break up.
Christ, she already knows she was right to break up with you (and if she doesn't, then it's going to be shitty to hear it from you now, and you risk destroying both of your relationships). And you're demonstrating that you're okay with it by reaching out to say hi and by having moved on with your life. But if you start ruminating on it, it's going to come across as the opposite. It's okay to want to know what she's up to now, but it's not okay to dump all these decades-old relationship feelings on her.
Also, ask yourself if you really want to brag to her about your accomplishments in academia. If so, this won't go well and you should not contact her at all.
posted by J. Wilson at 11:51 AM on July 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
I agree with the consensus here. It's probably fine to reach out to say hi, but absolutely not in the way you've worded it here. Frankly, the fact that you're beanplating this question here makes me question whether you should reconnect at all.
But if you do want to, you need to drop her a quick line.
"Hey, how's it going? I just heard the latest Red Hot Chili Peppers song on the radio, and that made me think of you. Hope you're doing well!"
I mean, you don't need to follow that formulation. But you absolutely should not call her "dearest" anything. Nor should you rehash your relationship or your break up.
Christ, she already knows she was right to break up with you (and if she doesn't, then it's going to be shitty to hear it from you now, and you risk destroying both of your relationships). And you're demonstrating that you're okay with it by reaching out to say hi and by having moved on with your life. But if you start ruminating on it, it's going to come across as the opposite. It's okay to want to know what she's up to now, but it's not okay to dump all these decades-old relationship feelings on her.
Also, ask yourself if you really want to brag to her about your accomplishments in academia. If so, this won't go well and you should not contact her at all.
posted by J. Wilson at 11:51 AM on July 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
She isn't your dearest (at least I hope not, you have a wife). You say your wife is OK with this contact - would you show her that note? Reconsider your priorities if you're going to call someone you haven't spoken to in over a decade your dearest. Put the energy you're putting into considering contacting this person into your marriage. Go do something nice for your wife. The potential upside is exponentially higher, potential downside exponentially lower.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 11:56 AM on July 10, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by treehorn+bunny at 11:56 AM on July 10, 2015 [6 favorites]
I am not at all anti contacting exes, but I would not like to get that note from my ex. At all. I don't see anything wrong with a 'Hi there, I was thinking of you recently and wondering how you're doing. Here are the things happening with me. Would love to hear from you.' type of note.
posted by vunder at 11:57 AM on July 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by vunder at 11:57 AM on July 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
There's a way to get back in touch with someone because you have fond memories and care about them, and the there is a way to load a note, stem-to-stern, with inside references and jokes. That second way is really about rebooting something from the past and settling old scores/getting an emotional fix.
I think you need to be really clear with yourself about what you are doing and why.
posted by Ink-stained wretch at 12:02 PM on July 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
I think you need to be really clear with yourself about what you are doing and why.
posted by Ink-stained wretch at 12:02 PM on July 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
I am a fan of my exes and am vaguely in touch with most of them. However, your proposed letter wallows in a level of nostalgia that could very well make her uncomfortable. By all means, make contact, but keep it light. Keep it light when you make contact, and keep it light going forward.
posted by DarlingBri at 12:12 PM on July 10, 2015
posted by DarlingBri at 12:12 PM on July 10, 2015
Yeah, as most people here have said, this made me cringe. Don't send this! I'm friends with many of my exes, but if I got this message from someone, I would think much less of them. I don't think you should contact her at all. Focus on your life now, not the past.
posted by three_red_balloons at 12:14 PM on July 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by three_red_balloons at 12:14 PM on July 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
I think even if you send a brief "Hello!" you are setting this person up for a "Gotcha!!" situation where you emotionally vomit all of this crap onto them. Your crap. Not theirs.
Quit Google stalking this person and move on. See a therapist to help you process these (normal!) feelings about how things turned out. Please don't bother your ex.
posted by jbenben at 12:15 PM on July 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
Quit Google stalking this person and move on. See a therapist to help you process these (normal!) feelings about how things turned out. Please don't bother your ex.
posted by jbenben at 12:15 PM on July 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
My ex got back in touch with me after finding my blog (which, yeah, not an accident obviously), and sent me a message that said basically "Hi. I saw your blog. I like your writing, thought I'd say hi. I hope that's okay."
That's how you do it. Short, simple, leaves response totally up to them in whatever way they see fit.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 12:16 PM on July 10, 2015 [8 favorites]
That's how you do it. Short, simple, leaves response totally up to them in whatever way they see fit.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 12:16 PM on July 10, 2015 [8 favorites]
This is not an exception to the Ask-Mefi rule.
posted by Elsie at 12:17 PM on July 10, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by Elsie at 12:17 PM on July 10, 2015 [3 favorites]
I am in touch with exes and am not against contacting exes as a general rule (unless they have specifically asked you not to contact them, have blocked you on social media, or have otherwise indicated that contact is unwelcome). However. There are SO MANY things about this note that give me the creeps. Why are you calling this person "Dearest"? They are not your dearest (I hope that label goes to your wife and kids, and even your PET before your ex)! There is also no reason to rehash your break-up, or even refer to it AT ALL. After 15 years, she is presumably way over it, and I would hope you are (although this note seems to indicate that you're not as over it as you thought you were...) Given the creeper-level of this note, I would suggest not contacting at all because you just don't seem in the right headspace for it. If you are in a better place in the future, I would suggest the following things:
--Friend on Facebook or some other social media you guys both use, and send a very generic message like "Hey, saw your profile and wanted to say hi! Hope all is well for you!" And then wait for her to respond and let her take the lead in the level of detail in messages.
--If you're traveling to her town/city, shoot her an email saying "Hey, I'll be in town for a conference next month. If you're free, it would be great to grab coffee and catch up!"
posted by rainbowbrite at 12:19 PM on July 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
--Friend on Facebook or some other social media you guys both use, and send a very generic message like "Hey, saw your profile and wanted to say hi! Hope all is well for you!" And then wait for her to respond and let her take the lead in the level of detail in messages.
--If you're traveling to her town/city, shoot her an email saying "Hey, I'll be in town for a conference next month. If you're free, it would be great to grab coffee and catch up!"
posted by rainbowbrite at 12:19 PM on July 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
I reached back out to an ex after about 20 years, and the sum total of my email was this:
"I stumbled across your profile on Linkedin, and saw that you were in Singapore. Wow, how'd that happen? Hope you're doing well!" Period. Fortunately he was thrilled to hear from me and we had a great time catching up over the next several months. But that wouldn't have happened if I hadn't been so casual about it.
I also had another ex who I ran into at a party, a few months after we broke up - he had started seeing someone else, and I knew, but we were keeping things light and normal, and it was great talking to him again. But then he suddenly hit me with "so, um...are you really okay with the fact that I have a new girlfriend now? You're okay with that, right?"
And it hit me that he really wasn't asking whether I was okay - that was his backhanded way of saying "I feel weird and guilty to be talking to you because I know I hurt you and seeing you is reminding me of that," and he was expecting me to take his guilty feelings away. And, that really wasn't my responsibility any more, and it was really unfair of him to put that burden on me. It really put me on the spot, and I felt weird and awkward and the conversation got really tense after that, and we pretty much never talked to each other again.
that's how your email sounds - like you feel guilty for having hurt her in the past, and you're wanting her to say "aw, I forgive you" so you can stop feeling guilty. And frankly, that's not her job - get rid of whatever residual guilt you have for dumping her on your own, don't saddle her with that.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:40 PM on July 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
"I stumbled across your profile on Linkedin, and saw that you were in Singapore. Wow, how'd that happen? Hope you're doing well!" Period. Fortunately he was thrilled to hear from me and we had a great time catching up over the next several months. But that wouldn't have happened if I hadn't been so casual about it.
I also had another ex who I ran into at a party, a few months after we broke up - he had started seeing someone else, and I knew, but we were keeping things light and normal, and it was great talking to him again. But then he suddenly hit me with "so, um...are you really okay with the fact that I have a new girlfriend now? You're okay with that, right?"
And it hit me that he really wasn't asking whether I was okay - that was his backhanded way of saying "I feel weird and guilty to be talking to you because I know I hurt you and seeing you is reminding me of that," and he was expecting me to take his guilty feelings away. And, that really wasn't my responsibility any more, and it was really unfair of him to put that burden on me. It really put me on the spot, and I felt weird and awkward and the conversation got really tense after that, and we pretty much never talked to each other again.
that's how your email sounds - like you feel guilty for having hurt her in the past, and you're wanting her to say "aw, I forgive you" so you can stop feeling guilty. And frankly, that's not her job - get rid of whatever residual guilt you have for dumping her on your own, don't saddle her with that.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:40 PM on July 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
It's weird. Don't bother her. I feel like you're trying to strike something up to make yourself feel special or interesting. Either way, just don't.
posted by discopolo at 12:43 PM on July 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by discopolo at 12:43 PM on July 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
What do I want out of this? What am I offering?
Those are the questions you need to ask yourself and answer with BRUTAL honesty. Because this looks like an apology were you don't apologize? Or a backwards brag about how great you're doing? Why re-hash the break up? Why Dearest? Why the 'you told me so' zinger?
I'd say let it be.
posted by French Fry at 12:47 PM on July 10, 2015
Those are the questions you need to ask yourself and answer with BRUTAL honesty. Because this looks like an apology were you don't apologize? Or a backwards brag about how great you're doing? Why re-hash the break up? Why Dearest? Why the 'you told me so' zinger?
I'd say let it be.
posted by French Fry at 12:47 PM on July 10, 2015
This is a terrible idea.
posted by Kwine at 12:47 PM on July 10, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by Kwine at 12:47 PM on July 10, 2015 [5 favorites]
(Also wanted to agree that it's kind of creepy, and upon retreading, I don't see why you want you bother her: do you want to gloat about your happiness to her? She doesn't need you in her life. Just leave her be. She doesn't spend her daily life thinking of you, I guarantee it.)
posted by discopolo at 12:51 PM on July 10, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by discopolo at 12:51 PM on July 10, 2015 [4 favorites]
Honestly, your proposed letter really feels like you had your doubts about breaking up with her years ago, but believed it was the right move in that you had differing goals. Now that you've achieved what you wanted, you're going back and saying "I was right after all. Were you right, too?"
I really assumed your letter was going to take a right-turn and say that your life took a different turn and you ironically ended up spending it much like she had envisioned her life. No one makes friends by telling others how confident they are and correct their decisions were.
posted by mikeh at 12:55 PM on July 10, 2015 [4 favorites]
I really assumed your letter was going to take a right-turn and say that your life took a different turn and you ironically ended up spending it much like she had envisioned her life. No one makes friends by telling others how confident they are and correct their decisions were.
posted by mikeh at 12:55 PM on July 10, 2015 [4 favorites]
Let it go.
posted by aught at 12:57 PM on July 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by aught at 12:57 PM on July 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
In regards to your previous question, this is exactly how _not_ to mention your successes. Are you looking for someone to validate your success? Because, really, the only person who can do that in the end is you. Reinitiating contact with an old friend starts with "Hey, how are you doing? I'm living (here) and doing (x) and have a couple kids." Conversations are much better if they're conversational and build, even over email.
Really, isn't it much more pleasing to tell someone about your accomplishments if they ask about them and genuinely want to know? You're not interested in her responses, you're only interested in yourself.
posted by mikeh at 1:00 PM on July 10, 2015 [4 favorites]
Really, isn't it much more pleasing to tell someone about your accomplishments if they ask about them and genuinely want to know? You're not interested in her responses, you're only interested in yourself.
posted by mikeh at 1:00 PM on July 10, 2015 [4 favorites]
I enjoy catching up with old friends. Sure, she's very different than an "old friend" but she walked side-by-side with me through some very formative years... I'd enjoy her perspective, I think.
Nthing 'God, no'. 1999 was an eternity ago. She has no perspective. She, too, was twenty (or whatever) at the time.
Do not do this. There is literally no reason to do this. 'I enjoy catching up with old friends' is meeting them accidentally in Grand Central Terminal and going to have a drink. It's not a fishing expedition for reasons that make no sense.
Based on this and your previous question: are you super stressed out? Like, it's great that all of these nice things have happened, but it's seems like it's zapping your brain. Are you worried they might all be taken away? Or do you feel like people didn't give you enough credit way back when (like your parents, for example). Or do you suffer from imposter syndrome? Or are you questioning whether any of this is truly what you want?
Find a therapist and talk. All of this stuff together kind of makes it seem like for whatever reason, you're having a really hard time sitting with yourself.
And again: no, on contacting the ex (or any other old girlfriend).
posted by A Terrible Llama at 1:11 PM on July 10, 2015 [3 favorites]
Nthing 'God, no'. 1999 was an eternity ago. She has no perspective. She, too, was twenty (or whatever) at the time.
Do not do this. There is literally no reason to do this. 'I enjoy catching up with old friends' is meeting them accidentally in Grand Central Terminal and going to have a drink. It's not a fishing expedition for reasons that make no sense.
Based on this and your previous question: are you super stressed out? Like, it's great that all of these nice things have happened, but it's seems like it's zapping your brain. Are you worried they might all be taken away? Or do you feel like people didn't give you enough credit way back when (like your parents, for example). Or do you suffer from imposter syndrome? Or are you questioning whether any of this is truly what you want?
Find a therapist and talk. All of this stuff together kind of makes it seem like for whatever reason, you're having a really hard time sitting with yourself.
And again: no, on contacting the ex (or any other old girlfriend).
posted by A Terrible Llama at 1:11 PM on July 10, 2015 [3 favorites]
Yikes, pal.
I think if your goal was just to catch up, you'd first ask whether she would like to catch up, rather than imposing this not-so-thinly-veiled brag, with a side of I-may-have-been-googlestalking-you, upon her.
Even if this weren't unsolicited, the tone is...off-putting. I'm reading into the text: boastful, aggressive, pretentious yet insecure with something to prove; and I don't even have a negative history with you the way she might.
The ways it's worded, it just doesn't seem to come from a place of well-wishes or curiosity; it seems more like you want to manage her memory of you and perhaps take your victory lap in her face.
If that's not actually how you feel and what you are intending to do, please don't send this. If that is actually how you feel and what you are intending to do, please don't send this.
posted by kapers at 1:27 PM on July 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
I think if your goal was just to catch up, you'd first ask whether she would like to catch up, rather than imposing this not-so-thinly-veiled brag, with a side of I-may-have-been-googlestalking-you, upon her.
Even if this weren't unsolicited, the tone is...off-putting. I'm reading into the text: boastful, aggressive, pretentious yet insecure with something to prove; and I don't even have a negative history with you the way she might.
The ways it's worded, it just doesn't seem to come from a place of well-wishes or curiosity; it seems more like you want to manage her memory of you and perhaps take your victory lap in her face.
If that's not actually how you feel and what you are intending to do, please don't send this. If that is actually how you feel and what you are intending to do, please don't send this.
posted by kapers at 1:27 PM on July 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
Genuine question: have you spent most of your life feeling like a loser, and now with newfound success have the need to prove yourself otherwise to people from across your life?
I ask because really, examine why you have this need to boast to all these people? What satisfaction do you get out of sharing with others that your life is currently near ideal? What are you hoping for as an outcome? Your email doesn't read like a beginning of a conversation.
Nothing in it suggests any interest in knowing how she's actually doing... You must know that what can be gleamed from LinkedIn or a public facebook profile is not actually representative of a full life. If you're congratulating her and it happens to be for accurate aspects of her life, you got lucky. If she's struggling professionally or personally, it will just serve as a kick in the gut. But I wonder if that's not a crazy coincidence.
posted by namesarehard at 1:27 PM on July 10, 2015 [12 favorites]
I ask because really, examine why you have this need to boast to all these people? What satisfaction do you get out of sharing with others that your life is currently near ideal? What are you hoping for as an outcome? Your email doesn't read like a beginning of a conversation.
Nothing in it suggests any interest in knowing how she's actually doing... You must know that what can be gleamed from LinkedIn or a public facebook profile is not actually representative of a full life. If you're congratulating her and it happens to be for accurate aspects of her life, you got lucky. If she's struggling professionally or personally, it will just serve as a kick in the gut. But I wonder if that's not a crazy coincidence.
posted by namesarehard at 1:27 PM on July 10, 2015 [12 favorites]
Step back and take a deep breath. This question combined with your previous question has me worried. Good things are happening to you right now, so step back and savour them. Get that deep breath right inside you and quieten down your mind.
What is it that so compels you to reach out to other people and tell them about your success? What is it that makes it so super-important? Is your brain telling you that you are superior now to people who once hurt you? Do you feel you can reach out and finally be the one on tpo?
Because that's how it's coming across and it's really not good. So step back, do not contact your ex, and be honest with yourself.
And if you cannot be honest with yourself about why you need to do all this, well .. there is always the Metafilter fallback of therapy. Something's going on here and I am worried.
posted by kariebookish at 1:32 PM on July 10, 2015 [4 favorites]
What is it that so compels you to reach out to other people and tell them about your success? What is it that makes it so super-important? Is your brain telling you that you are superior now to people who once hurt you? Do you feel you can reach out and finally be the one on tpo?
Because that's how it's coming across and it's really not good. So step back, do not contact your ex, and be honest with yourself.
And if you cannot be honest with yourself about why you need to do all this, well .. there is always the Metafilter fallback of therapy. Something's going on here and I am worried.
posted by kariebookish at 1:32 PM on July 10, 2015 [4 favorites]
Whoever described this email as WAY too intimate is right. While she may have been your "dearest" then, she's a stranger now, and this is an extremely odd communication to send to someone you haven't seen in nearly 20 years. Also, if I were your wife, even if I were theoretically ok with you reaching out, I would so not be comfortable with this particular email. This sounds like you've been rehashing your reasons for the breakup over and over for the past 20 years. That far on there's pretty much no breakup that deserves more thought than "eh, we wanted different things. [shrug]"
posted by MsMolly at 1:34 PM on July 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by MsMolly at 1:34 PM on July 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Are you trying to let her know that with the benefit of hindsight you know she was right to dump you because the two of you really were incompatible? I can see why you might have had that realization given your happiness with your marriage, career, and family, but I think that's just too big a message to give someone with whom you have not spoken in 16 years. Something like that coming out of the blue can feel like a real burden. You don't know where she is in her life. She may be miserable (plenty of outwardly successful big firm lawyers are) or have feelings or memories about that long-ago relationship that you don't understand.
If you ran into each other at an old friend's wedding or in an airport somewhere, you wouldn't lead off with that kind of stuff. You'd chat with each other at first, pay attention to each other's social cues, and maybe eventually talk about the breakup if you each got the feeling the other was comfortable doing so. It wouldn't take forever, but you wouldn't say, "Hey, great to see you. By the way, boy were you right to break up with me back in the 90s." If you do decide to contact her, start out with a short, chatty, and light message (many good examples above), and see where things go. That's what you would probably do in person so let that be your guide.
posted by Area Man at 1:35 PM on July 10, 2015
If you ran into each other at an old friend's wedding or in an airport somewhere, you wouldn't lead off with that kind of stuff. You'd chat with each other at first, pay attention to each other's social cues, and maybe eventually talk about the breakup if you each got the feeling the other was comfortable doing so. It wouldn't take forever, but you wouldn't say, "Hey, great to see you. By the way, boy were you right to break up with me back in the 90s." If you do decide to contact her, start out with a short, chatty, and light message (many good examples above), and see where things go. That's what you would probably do in person so let that be your guide.
posted by Area Man at 1:35 PM on July 10, 2015
Best answer: It sounds like it was cathartic to write that message, and that's good. You should explore that catharsis in therapy.
Now delete the message without sending it and move on.
posted by jesourie at 1:37 PM on July 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
Now delete the message without sending it and move on.
posted by jesourie at 1:37 PM on July 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
I just reread the message to see if any of it was salvageable because I felt bad about how negative I was, but no, I'm sorry. And now I think the implicit boast/in yo' face! is not even the worst part: rehashing your relationship conflicts when so much time has passed is just so spectacularly petty and unnecessary. It also reads like you're not over her.
And you even indicate her assessment of the situation would not match yours, so I would be asking myself: self, are you picking a fight? Revising history? Trying to have the last word?
What exactly is the point of reminding a woman she was "(very) unsure" about her reproductive future 16 years ago? That's just uncool, man. Ouch.
I am a fan of catching up with old friends and even exes under certain circumstances, and I am glad you asked us here because I really don't see this shaking out for you in any way that is even close to satisfactory for you.
posted by kapers at 1:44 PM on July 10, 2015 [6 favorites]
And you even indicate her assessment of the situation would not match yours, so I would be asking myself: self, are you picking a fight? Revising history? Trying to have the last word?
What exactly is the point of reminding a woman she was "(very) unsure" about her reproductive future 16 years ago? That's just uncool, man. Ouch.
I am a fan of catching up with old friends and even exes under certain circumstances, and I am glad you asked us here because I really don't see this shaking out for you in any way that is even close to satisfactory for you.
posted by kapers at 1:44 PM on July 10, 2015 [6 favorites]
I've been contacted by an ex in a similar way and my response was pretty unprintable. Now instead of having fuzzy slightly fond memories of him due to the passage of time, I'm aware that I dodged a bullet in extricating myself from a relationship with him. He may not actually be as pretentious and self-centered as his message was but that's the impression he left.
I have to wonder a bit, because you seem pretty smart and all...do you think that people will love you more if you are right/successful/visibly building something? Because the timing does seem weird.
If so, this Formerly Gifted Child(tm) is here to tell you that that voice in your head that says when you are the smartest, everyone will love you lies.
I went to a school with amazingly gifted people, some of whom have gone onto really great things (and some to infamy, and a couple to suicide...overlapping with the first group). Their work and success gives them some happiness. But in a couple of deep chats, one thing that really, deeply came out is that people who are really good at life, as opposed to work, is that they recognize the difference between the two.
Maybe this is a good time in your life to enjoy the present, by being in it. Take your partner for a walk or meet a friend for a movie.
posted by warriorqueen at 1:56 PM on July 10, 2015 [10 favorites]
I have to wonder a bit, because you seem pretty smart and all...do you think that people will love you more if you are right/successful/visibly building something? Because the timing does seem weird.
If so, this Formerly Gifted Child(tm) is here to tell you that that voice in your head that says when you are the smartest, everyone will love you lies.
I went to a school with amazingly gifted people, some of whom have gone onto really great things (and some to infamy, and a couple to suicide...overlapping with the first group). Their work and success gives them some happiness. But in a couple of deep chats, one thing that really, deeply came out is that people who are really good at life, as opposed to work, is that they recognize the difference between the two.
Maybe this is a good time in your life to enjoy the present, by being in it. Take your partner for a walk or meet a friend for a movie.
posted by warriorqueen at 1:56 PM on July 10, 2015 [10 favorites]
Best answer: You can write your ex, but keep in mind she might not want to hear from you. So I suggest sending a message that is short, simple, respectful. Instead of implying that your life is going very well or making an assumption (however well-meaning) about hers... perhaps try crafting a note that offers best wishes and doesn't implicitly ask for a response in return.
posted by tackypink at 2:24 PM on July 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by tackypink at 2:24 PM on July 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
I just received a similar note from a very, very minor ex. Down to the "dearest," in fact. It creeped me out; I didn't even want to show it to my actual partner because WTF with the endearments?! So I didn't respond. A day later I got a very nasty, hostile note from ex berating me for not responding.
Rather than block and ignore, which I thought I had already done, I composed a friendly but chilly note saying "all is well, please never contact me again, I'm sure I don't understand the reason for this hostility."
Then a third note comes back saying that he (a) reached out and (b) was so hostile because of some bad shit he was going through. He apologized, sure. But really?
Don't. Just don't.
posted by 8603 at 2:27 PM on July 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
Rather than block and ignore, which I thought I had already done, I composed a friendly but chilly note saying "all is well, please never contact me again, I'm sure I don't understand the reason for this hostility."
Then a third note comes back saying that he (a) reached out and (b) was so hostile because of some bad shit he was going through. He apologized, sure. But really?
Don't. Just don't.
posted by 8603 at 2:27 PM on July 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
It's fine to reach out but your note is WAY TOO HEAVY. It sounds kind of...crazy. I wouldn't answer it, possibly?
How about:
"Hey Jane,
It's been ages! I was thinking the other day about how we haven't been in touch and thought I might try to find you on Facebook. Want to jump on the phone and catch up? I'd love to hear how you're doing.
I'm living in XXXX, happily married for XX years with X kids and working as a professor at University.
Let me now if you'd like to chat some time, and/or give me a ring if you're ever in My City. I hope all is well with you.
OP"
posted by amaire at 2:28 PM on July 10, 2015
How about:
"Hey Jane,
It's been ages! I was thinking the other day about how we haven't been in touch and thought I might try to find you on Facebook. Want to jump on the phone and catch up? I'd love to hear how you're doing.
I'm living in XXXX, happily married for XX years with X kids and working as a professor at University.
Let me now if you'd like to chat some time, and/or give me a ring if you're ever in My City. I hope all is well with you.
OP"
posted by amaire at 2:28 PM on July 10, 2015
Response by poster: OK, Metafilter, the message is clear. Occupationally I feel inspired to do things that seem 'risky'. I've learned to run these ideas by other people before doing them because these ideas tend to be either spectacularly good or spectacularly bad. Clearly the draft message I wrote here falls in the latter category. Although it may not be a spectacularly bad idea to reach out in a more casual way, I'm dropping any plans to do this; The downside is clearly bigger than the upside.
Addressing a few questions:
1. Regarding timing: I considered sending this message to her long before the recent fortunate streak. I think it felt 'risky' and I didn't feel 'secure(?)' enough to consider sending (or explore sending, as I did here) such a message until recently.
2. I've seen a therapist regularly for years to cope with stress (i.e., see the babies and tenure track part of the last post). I did explore sending such a message with my therapist a few years ago (i.e., before the fortunate streak). At the time my marriage was pretty rocky, and she suggested that the impulse might be rooted in the current relationship difficulties. This left me to draw the conclusion that it might not be a good thing to do then...
3. Socially, I am awkward / quiet / present as shy. Yes, I was a GiftedChild (tm). Yes, I have always struggled with insecurity. I have a small set of very strong relationships and friendships that are very durable, but also take a long time opening up to new people. My therapist told me that in our first session or two the thought I might have Asperger's, although after the first few sessions she indicated that she did not think this anymore.
4. Thank you, metafilter, for helping me to identify and work on a certain amount of social tone-deafness revealed in my first two 'sock puppet' posts.
posted by Doc_Sock at 2:40 PM on July 10, 2015 [12 favorites]
Addressing a few questions:
1. Regarding timing: I considered sending this message to her long before the recent fortunate streak. I think it felt 'risky' and I didn't feel 'secure(?)' enough to consider sending (or explore sending, as I did here) such a message until recently.
2. I've seen a therapist regularly for years to cope with stress (i.e., see the babies and tenure track part of the last post). I did explore sending such a message with my therapist a few years ago (i.e., before the fortunate streak). At the time my marriage was pretty rocky, and she suggested that the impulse might be rooted in the current relationship difficulties. This left me to draw the conclusion that it might not be a good thing to do then...
3. Socially, I am awkward / quiet / present as shy. Yes, I was a GiftedChild (tm). Yes, I have always struggled with insecurity. I have a small set of very strong relationships and friendships that are very durable, but also take a long time opening up to new people. My therapist told me that in our first session or two the thought I might have Asperger's, although after the first few sessions she indicated that she did not think this anymore.
4. Thank you, metafilter, for helping me to identify and work on a certain amount of social tone-deafness revealed in my first two 'sock puppet' posts.
posted by Doc_Sock at 2:40 PM on July 10, 2015 [12 favorites]
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No. no nonononono. If this is the best you can think of, then this is a fundamentally horrible bad idea.
posted by brainmouse at 10:34 AM on July 10, 2015 [81 favorites]