Leaving my baby ... for work! Help me make it not suck for her
July 10, 2015 6:19 AM Subscribe
Littlest MadMadam is 16 months old. She's very much a mama's girl. Starting next week I have a series of 3 business trips. I'll be gone for 4 days at a time, 3 weeks in a row.
I'm looking for suggestions of things I can do to ease the pain for her, daddy and her big sister.
Daddy is hoping to bond with baby more while I'm gone. Our older child never had a preference for one parent like the littlest does and I can tell it hurts his feelings.
I've though about leaving voice recordings but I was wondering if anyone has lived through this as a the stay behind parent, does that sort of thing help or hinder?
Daddy is hoping to bond with baby more while I'm gone. Our older child never had a preference for one parent like the littlest does and I can tell it hurts his feelings.
I've though about leaving voice recordings but I was wondering if anyone has lived through this as a the stay behind parent, does that sort of thing help or hinder?
At that age, our experience was that it was better to skip calls/Facetime/etc. entirely and just let my husband parent without any virtual Mommy. His feeling was that hearing or seeing me upset her more, after she had just calmed down and accepted that Daddy was caring for her. This one is a clear YMMV situation, especially since you have an older child.
When I'm traveling for work, they eat out, do a lot of playground picnics, and generally keep the evenings much busier and more active than usual, which seems to help.
Finally, my husband is great about sending me tons of pictures and text updates while I'm away, so when I get back I can ask her about the fun adventures they had together.
Good luck! It can be really hard.
posted by chocotaco at 6:49 AM on July 10, 2015 [5 favorites]
When I'm traveling for work, they eat out, do a lot of playground picnics, and generally keep the evenings much busier and more active than usual, which seems to help.
Finally, my husband is great about sending me tons of pictures and text updates while I'm away, so when I get back I can ask her about the fun adventures they had together.
Good luck! It can be really hard.
posted by chocotaco at 6:49 AM on July 10, 2015 [5 favorites]
I would act it out using toys first: see momma bear is taking a plane! now she's over here working! now she's taking a plane back! and momma bear and baby bear are back together!
I would repeat this for a few days in a row so toddler understands the overall pattern of events. Then when it happens IRL it's not so puzzling because she's seen it before.
Also I agree with chocotaco, even though temporarily painful it is actually very healthy for a kid to experience parent leaving / parent coming back as a simple event, it helps underscore a secure attachment. Mom leaves, mom always comes back, NBD.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 6:57 AM on July 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
I would repeat this for a few days in a row so toddler understands the overall pattern of events. Then when it happens IRL it's not so puzzling because she's seen it before.
Also I agree with chocotaco, even though temporarily painful it is actually very healthy for a kid to experience parent leaving / parent coming back as a simple event, it helps underscore a secure attachment. Mom leaves, mom always comes back, NBD.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 6:57 AM on July 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
At 16 months, even if she's not talking, she probably has a very good understanding of what you're saying. So I would be very clear and repetitive in warning her about the trip.
"In 5 days, mommy has to go away for 4 days, then I'm going to come back."
"In 4 days, mommy has to go away for 4 days, then I'm going to come back."
etc.
As for Skype/Facetime, I've found that it's hit or miss at that age whether it calms the child or upsets them (particularly when it's time to end the call). I always do it anyway because it makes me feel better.
posted by 256 at 7:10 AM on July 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
"In 5 days, mommy has to go away for 4 days, then I'm going to come back."
"In 4 days, mommy has to go away for 4 days, then I'm going to come back."
etc.
As for Skype/Facetime, I've found that it's hit or miss at that age whether it calms the child or upsets them (particularly when it's time to end the call). I always do it anyway because it makes me feel better.
posted by 256 at 7:10 AM on July 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
A thing that works for us even better than Skype/facetime would be recording a video of yourself and sending it to Daddy's phone. Send a new one every day, maybe include some interesting local landmark in the background. Even if it's....a bus. That's maybe a different color from the buses at home. The bar is low for little kids.
Anyway, in the video, talk to the kids, ask them questions, leave pauses for them to answer. They probably won't fully grasp the difference between that and a live video chat, and then if they punch random buttons and turn it off it's no big deal, and they can watch it over and over and over. Live skype/facetime is nice when it goes well, and you should give it a shot, but for the parent who's with the kids it often degenerates into NONONO DON'T TOUCH THAT NO NOT THE RED BUTTON NO NOT THE CIRCLE BUTTON EITHER or chasing them around trying to point the camera at them.
In my experience, kids adapt reasonably well, and even if they don't, it's only four days (x3, but still finite). It's good for dads who aren't typically solo caregivers to spend some time being solo caregivers, especially if they ever travel themselves. (Can you tell I'm the parent with the traveling spouse? On the very rare occasions where I manage to stick him with the kids and escape, I feel not a whit of guilt. ;)
But to be nice, do bring your husband back a nice bottle of scotch (or his vice-equivalent). He'll probably suffer more than the kids.
posted by telepanda at 7:23 AM on July 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
Anyway, in the video, talk to the kids, ask them questions, leave pauses for them to answer. They probably won't fully grasp the difference between that and a live video chat, and then if they punch random buttons and turn it off it's no big deal, and they can watch it over and over and over. Live skype/facetime is nice when it goes well, and you should give it a shot, but for the parent who's with the kids it often degenerates into NONONO DON'T TOUCH THAT NO NOT THE RED BUTTON NO NOT THE CIRCLE BUTTON EITHER or chasing them around trying to point the camera at them.
In my experience, kids adapt reasonably well, and even if they don't, it's only four days (x3, but still finite). It's good for dads who aren't typically solo caregivers to spend some time being solo caregivers, especially if they ever travel themselves. (Can you tell I'm the parent with the traveling spouse? On the very rare occasions where I manage to stick him with the kids and escape, I feel not a whit of guilt. ;)
But to be nice, do bring your husband back a nice bottle of scotch (or his vice-equivalent). He'll probably suffer more than the kids.
posted by telepanda at 7:23 AM on July 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
I am the parent that stays at home fairly frequently.
1. For the stay at home parent, keeping busy and doing take-out (or otherwise easy meals) is good.
2. Skyping at anything under about 2 or 2.5 was disastrous, usually. I know this varies by child, but for our kid it seemed to bump him from getting by just fine to remembering that Mommy (also the favored parent) was gone and that was horrible.
3. It's going to be fine, and your kid will get used to it.
4. If your kid likes this sort of thing, I think it's totally okay to give them a treat a day while you're gone, since you're not gone that long. Maybe it's small toys, or favorite meals, or something like that. Having a new thing to play with has definitely helped our son through these business trips before (though these days he's totally fine when Mommy is gone, so we usually just end up doing pizza one night and every other night is pretty normal).
posted by hought20 at 7:37 AM on July 10, 2015
1. For the stay at home parent, keeping busy and doing take-out (or otherwise easy meals) is good.
2. Skyping at anything under about 2 or 2.5 was disastrous, usually. I know this varies by child, but for our kid it seemed to bump him from getting by just fine to remembering that Mommy (also the favored parent) was gone and that was horrible.
3. It's going to be fine, and your kid will get used to it.
4. If your kid likes this sort of thing, I think it's totally okay to give them a treat a day while you're gone, since you're not gone that long. Maybe it's small toys, or favorite meals, or something like that. Having a new thing to play with has definitely helped our son through these business trips before (though these days he's totally fine when Mommy is gone, so we usually just end up doing pizza one night and every other night is pretty normal).
posted by hought20 at 7:37 AM on July 10, 2015
I am the mom and the stay-behind parent. Our daughter didn't really "register" that Dad Is Gone until just before she turned 2. She would ask for him and I would tell her that "Dada is on a trip" and she was fine with that. We did some occasional FaceTime, which was fine because we already do plenty of FaceTime with my parents and my sister.
Once she did start realizing that Dad Is Gone, we started seeing some acting out at daycare (the only time she ever hit/pushed another kid). At home she veers between being extra-clingy on me and being fussy or even outright defiant. We snuggle a lot more than usual.
Things that we have done (and some I plan to do if his travel increases again):
And don't forget to take care of yourself! Take along a favorite picture, a toy, or even a shirt if you think it will help you to have the smell of it. Figure out your special activity or treat while you're gone.
Work with your husband to figure out what kind and frequency of communication works best for the two of you. (Ironically, my husband and I have some of our best conversations about long-term ideas/desires/plans over text or email while he's gone. Maybe because we're not stuck in the day-to-day?) For us, email works best. I send frequent updates, little stories, etc, but nothing that requires any kind of response. He writes back when he can, and we go from there. As our daughter has started missing him more, I do include some of those things-- he feels a little bad because she misses him but it also helps confirm for him that he is very important to her.
posted by scarnato at 10:00 AM on July 10, 2015
Once she did start realizing that Dad Is Gone, we started seeing some acting out at daycare (the only time she ever hit/pushed another kid). At home she veers between being extra-clingy on me and being fussy or even outright defiant. We snuggle a lot more than usual.
Things that we have done (and some I plan to do if his travel increases again):
- FaceTime - This only works if Dad is still in the U.S. and not overseas, though we did manage a few FaceTime sessions when he was in Hawaii (we are in Central Time). We try to stay fluid with these and don't tell our daughter that we are going to talk, because it might not happen. He keeps track of what time it is back home and where we are in our usual routine (dinner, play, bedtime, etc.), so it is on him to try calling when he can. If we don't answer, it's understandable. Occasionally, our daughter will ask to call and we will try it, but I explain that Dad might not be there. If he is not there, then we use the voice recording on iMessage to send him a short message. IMPORTANT: Don't expect to have any kind of adult conversation or exchange of info during this call.
- Snuggles - She is a very snuggly kid anyway, so we end up snuggling a lot more.
- Dinner with Grandma - My mother-in-law is local but we usually only see her on the weekend, so we have her over for dinner or go out to dinner with her at least once when Dad is gone.
- Special Treat/Activity - This is one we haven't done yet, and I'm trying to think of something, though I guess the dinner with Grandma counts. Even before we were married, my special treat was getting sushi while he was on travel because he doesn't like it.
- Stuffed Toy Exchange - For the next trip, we're going to try having her pick a small stuffed toy to go on the trip with Dad, because Dad misses her just as much as she misses him. This also opens up opportunities for Dad to take pictures of himself and the toy (or just the toy) in different places on the trip, which will be especially helpful if it's a trip where FaceTime doesn't really work for us. I'm also going to order a custom Dad toy through Budsies that only comes out when Dad is gone. Right now it's 6-week lead time, but if you have future travel planned then it could work.
And don't forget to take care of yourself! Take along a favorite picture, a toy, or even a shirt if you think it will help you to have the smell of it. Figure out your special activity or treat while you're gone.
Work with your husband to figure out what kind and frequency of communication works best for the two of you. (Ironically, my husband and I have some of our best conversations about long-term ideas/desires/plans over text or email while he's gone. Maybe because we're not stuck in the day-to-day?) For us, email works best. I send frequent updates, little stories, etc, but nothing that requires any kind of response. He writes back when he can, and we go from there. As our daughter has started missing him more, I do include some of those things-- he feels a little bad because she misses him but it also helps confirm for him that he is very important to her.
posted by scarnato at 10:00 AM on July 10, 2015
For the older kid, I activated the emoji keyboard on my phone and I let Micropanda send picture messages to Daddy when Daddy is gone. The iPhone emoji keyboard has a lot of variety (not just faces) and it's hilarious to hear him muttering to himself "now I need to send daddy a volcano. Look now many volcanoes! Now he needs some rain to make the fire go out." He sends pages and pages of icons. But it really does make him feel connected and happy, especially if daddy sends him one back.
posted by telepanda at 8:16 PM on July 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by telepanda at 8:16 PM on July 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
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Voice communication was bad for us at 16 months, toddler knew it was me but I wasn't there and this seemed to mostly aggravate toddler.
Facetime/Google Hangouts were better but we needed to pick a GOOD time of day. For us that was the morning when toddler was at her best and brightest. Anytime in the afternoon or evening was rocky and a reminder of "What I could be having!" as I always put said toddler to bed normally.
I found talking to my partner more about us/them/ideas and less about toddler was very helpful. Playing 20 questions about the toddler was not making anyone feel better.
posted by French Fry at 6:35 AM on July 10, 2015 [3 favorites]