How do I stop feeling upset and crying when my boyfriend gets annoyed?
July 6, 2015 4:58 PM Subscribe
I sometimes get upset and cry because my boyfriend has an annoyed tone of voice. Do you know how I could stop myself from feeling upset when my boyfriend gets annoyed? (More in the extended question.)
I'm sensitive and get upset easily, so I often start to cry when my boyfriend sounds annoyed at me through his tone of voice. I try not to, but I do. As I recall, every time I feel upset, he has genuinely been annoyed. It hasn't been just my perception.
I don't remember feeling upset like that when interacting with other people. Maybe my boyfriend shows his annoyance through his tone more than other people, or I just get upset because we're in a relationship and he sounds annoyed, or maybe other people haven't really had the chance to become annoyed at me.
This is my first real relationship. Before, I never got past the pre-relationship stage with other guys, so it was just those feelings of nervousness and excitement and not the comfort with each other that comes in a long-term relationship. Thus, I can't really compare to another relationship.
Everyone has every right to become annoyed, so I want to prevent these upset feelings on my part. Do you know how I could stop myself from feeling upset when my boyfriend gets annoyed? Have you ever felt upset because your significant other had an annoyed tone of voice?
I'm sensitive and get upset easily, so I often start to cry when my boyfriend sounds annoyed at me through his tone of voice. I try not to, but I do. As I recall, every time I feel upset, he has genuinely been annoyed. It hasn't been just my perception.
I don't remember feeling upset like that when interacting with other people. Maybe my boyfriend shows his annoyance through his tone more than other people, or I just get upset because we're in a relationship and he sounds annoyed, or maybe other people haven't really had the chance to become annoyed at me.
This is my first real relationship. Before, I never got past the pre-relationship stage with other guys, so it was just those feelings of nervousness and excitement and not the comfort with each other that comes in a long-term relationship. Thus, I can't really compare to another relationship.
Everyone has every right to become annoyed, so I want to prevent these upset feelings on my part. Do you know how I could stop myself from feeling upset when my boyfriend gets annoyed? Have you ever felt upset because your significant other had an annoyed tone of voice?
Self-soothing skills can help keep you calm when he expresses annoyance with you, and you can also try a gentle, good-humored "Hey! Watch your tone, buster!" when he snaps at you.
But. I would also like to say that relationships which start out with one person in the relationship acting 'correctly' and then becoming 'annoyed' with or needing to correct the other person? That behavior is a red flag for me, now, with many good relationships that didn't include this kind of dynamic in my past. Since you say this is your first real relationship I'm mentioning it so you know that it doesn't have to happen in all relationships.
posted by stellaluna at 5:16 PM on July 6, 2015 [22 favorites]
But. I would also like to say that relationships which start out with one person in the relationship acting 'correctly' and then becoming 'annoyed' with or needing to correct the other person? That behavior is a red flag for me, now, with many good relationships that didn't include this kind of dynamic in my past. Since you say this is your first real relationship I'm mentioning it so you know that it doesn't have to happen in all relationships.
posted by stellaluna at 5:16 PM on July 6, 2015 [22 favorites]
I certainly agree that everyone has the right to be annoyed (or angry, sad, etc), though I would add the caveat that the annoyed person still has the responsibility to act appropriately & respectfully. Likewise, everyone has the right to be upset regardless of what triggers it, though again the upset person has the responsibility to deal with those feelings responsibly.
It's not clear from your question if you are distressed that you feel upset in these circumstances or if your boyfriend has indicated that you shouldn't get upset. If it's the former - you don't like feeling upset and want a better way to deal with it, I agree completely with sockermom's advice - accept the feeling and figure out some calming activities you can use to distract yourself. If your boyfriend has indicated that you shouldn't get upset / don't have the right to be upset, that's indicative of a much bigger problem.
posted by insectosaurus at 5:21 PM on July 6, 2015 [4 favorites]
It's not clear from your question if you are distressed that you feel upset in these circumstances or if your boyfriend has indicated that you shouldn't get upset. If it's the former - you don't like feeling upset and want a better way to deal with it, I agree completely with sockermom's advice - accept the feeling and figure out some calming activities you can use to distract yourself. If your boyfriend has indicated that you shouldn't get upset / don't have the right to be upset, that's indicative of a much bigger problem.
posted by insectosaurus at 5:21 PM on July 6, 2015 [4 favorites]
My guess is you're probably fine the way you are, but when this comes up, you might try asking him to articulate exactly what made him sound annoyed. I mean, instead of you training yourself to tiptoe around him, train him to be more clear about his implications. Perhaps he'll say he wasn't annoyed, which I would doubt--trust your instincts--but if he can move on that quickly, maybe it wasn't a big deal. Perhaps he'll say something awful, reflecting poorly on him (especially if he says something about your nature or character rather than the circumstances at hand). Perhaps he'll say something constructive, helping you both. Or perhaps he'll reflect a moment and consider that he lost his patience prematurely. Etc., etc. But are any possibilities not covered well if he just tries to be more patient or considerate in general? He should have an active role in making things work.
posted by Monsieur Caution at 5:42 PM on July 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Monsieur Caution at 5:42 PM on July 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: I didn't realize you can be annoyed without sounding annoyed. Do you know of any resources for that? I did a quick search and I only found one site about that. It did have some tips that sounds useful. I might ask him if he'd be willing to try to not have an annoyed tone of voice when he is annoyed.
But in any case, I guess I'd like to know how to not cry in these situations then. It just feels like these exchanges are such minor things that I shouldn't take so personally. If I can stop myself from cry, I'd rather do that so I don't upset him a little. Not in an angry way, but just the way when you made your significant other cry.
As an example, I had just moved into a new apartment and I was seeing a lot of bugs in the kitchen. I said that I didn't think my dishes in the disk rack were clean because of the bugs I saw wandering around the kitchen. It was a long process to get rid of the bugs, so I mentioned my concerns many times over several weeks I think, like when he offered to serve food on those plates and I wanted to wash them before he did that. In the weeks leading up to it, if I was busy I'd always ask him to wash the necessary dishes and pots and pans if he had offered to prepare food. So, this time he was probably rightfully annoyed that I keep worrying about bugs getting on my dishes so much when he thinks I shouldn't. He said something about how I shouldn't worry about them in an annoyed tone. And I started to cry.
The way this often pans out: he acts annoyed, and I start to cry. And then he sees that I got upset by his tone and apologizes for using an annoyed tone, and we talk about what happened. It's not really something that upsets me all day, I get over it quickly with a hug.
Thank you for that self-soothing link. Though it seems to me like something you do over some time like 5 minutes at least, and not in the moment. Have you applied those suggestions when you felt a strong emotion that you wanted to not express in the moment?
I don't think he believes he's acting "correctly" or trying to correct me. He just gets annoyed sometimes, just like I do.
Yep, we do talk about what happened and why he was annoyed. Sometimes he doesn't know and sometimes it's something I did, which when he explains makes sense to me why he was annoyed.
I don't quite understand what you mean by "But are any possibilities not covered well if he just tries to be more patient or considerate in general?" Can you rephrase that please?
posted by SillyEvelina at 5:55 PM on July 6, 2015
But in any case, I guess I'd like to know how to not cry in these situations then. It just feels like these exchanges are such minor things that I shouldn't take so personally. If I can stop myself from cry, I'd rather do that so I don't upset him a little. Not in an angry way, but just the way when you made your significant other cry.
As an example, I had just moved into a new apartment and I was seeing a lot of bugs in the kitchen. I said that I didn't think my dishes in the disk rack were clean because of the bugs I saw wandering around the kitchen. It was a long process to get rid of the bugs, so I mentioned my concerns many times over several weeks I think, like when he offered to serve food on those plates and I wanted to wash them before he did that. In the weeks leading up to it, if I was busy I'd always ask him to wash the necessary dishes and pots and pans if he had offered to prepare food. So, this time he was probably rightfully annoyed that I keep worrying about bugs getting on my dishes so much when he thinks I shouldn't. He said something about how I shouldn't worry about them in an annoyed tone. And I started to cry.
The way this often pans out: he acts annoyed, and I start to cry. And then he sees that I got upset by his tone and apologizes for using an annoyed tone, and we talk about what happened. It's not really something that upsets me all day, I get over it quickly with a hug.
Thank you for that self-soothing link. Though it seems to me like something you do over some time like 5 minutes at least, and not in the moment. Have you applied those suggestions when you felt a strong emotion that you wanted to not express in the moment?
I don't think he believes he's acting "correctly" or trying to correct me. He just gets annoyed sometimes, just like I do.
Yep, we do talk about what happened and why he was annoyed. Sometimes he doesn't know and sometimes it's something I did, which when he explains makes sense to me why he was annoyed.
I don't quite understand what you mean by "But are any possibilities not covered well if he just tries to be more patient or considerate in general?" Can you rephrase that please?
posted by SillyEvelina at 5:55 PM on July 6, 2015
Best answer: I'm very sensitive about that too. As I've gotten older, I've learned to be less of a mood sponge. (That's how I always thought of it -- absorbing the moods of the people around me.) You can try distracting yourself, being alone for a while, taking deep breaths, reminding yourself that your reaction is out of proportion to what just happened. It helps to explore why you feel so upset. What are you scared of? What do you need? Once you've identified that, you can use it to calm yourself down, and you can also explain to your significant other what's going on. You can tell him that this is just how you react, even though intellectually you know it's not a big deal, and that it would really help if he would just give you a hug and otherwise act normal. Or whatever it is you think you need.
posted by chickenmagazine at 5:59 PM on July 6, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by chickenmagazine at 5:59 PM on July 6, 2015 [5 favorites]
Can you rephrase that please?
Sure, I'm just saying that if on the off-chance he has a legitimate reason to feel annoyed and needs you to do something different, I think it's always theoretically possible to express that in a kind way to achieve the same effect--positive reinforcement works. Plus, he should want you to feel self-confident and happy. It's true that everyone gets annoyed sometimes, but it's short-sighted for him to let that be a guiding principle. If there's any future in it, your relationship is better for the both of you if it's based on trying to build each other up emotionally. So if you're hearing this annoyed tone often enough for it to be a problem, it seems both fair and worthwhile for him to be a good bit more thoughtful about it.
posted by Monsieur Caution at 6:14 PM on July 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
Sure, I'm just saying that if on the off-chance he has a legitimate reason to feel annoyed and needs you to do something different, I think it's always theoretically possible to express that in a kind way to achieve the same effect--positive reinforcement works. Plus, he should want you to feel self-confident and happy. It's true that everyone gets annoyed sometimes, but it's short-sighted for him to let that be a guiding principle. If there's any future in it, your relationship is better for the both of you if it's based on trying to build each other up emotionally. So if you're hearing this annoyed tone often enough for it to be a problem, it seems both fair and worthwhile for him to be a good bit more thoughtful about it.
posted by Monsieur Caution at 6:14 PM on July 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
If it's mostly just the crying you're trying to prevent/stop, drink some water. I read (on AskMetafilter, I'm sure) that you can't drink and cry at the same time. I've used this trick (at work, especially) and it really helps, physiologically.
If deep down you feel like he's being a jerk, you'll need a different strategy. Hopefully, a glass of water gets you what you need: to feel calm enough to address the issue and your feelings about his tone.
posted by deadcrow at 6:16 PM on July 6, 2015
If deep down you feel like he's being a jerk, you'll need a different strategy. Hopefully, a glass of water gets you what you need: to feel calm enough to address the issue and your feelings about his tone.
posted by deadcrow at 6:16 PM on July 6, 2015
Have you asked your boyfriend whether your crying actually upsets him?
posted by halifix at 6:39 PM on July 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by halifix at 6:39 PM on July 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Just a thought, any recent change to your hormonal birth control? Because for me it was like being 13 again and relearning to handle emotions in general. That+newish relationship= a rough go for a bit.
Remind yourself that you can't make the world perfect/be perfect, and your partner doesn't expect you to be (sounds like you guys know that, but reiterating it to yourself is a good reminder).
It may also help to remove yourself from the room (maybe a quick peck on the cheek or something when that happens as a predetermined signal to your partner that you need a moment;discuss this at a neutral time). You're training yourself not to rely on your partner for comfort (not that that's bad in general, but in this case it may not be helpful for your long-term goal) and establishing to yourself that you're still in control (you are in a stressful situation and are able to remove yourself). Knowing you have an exit and have some control may help with keeping the tears at bay until you're alone. It may take a time or two for your subconscious to catch up and realize these situations aren't dire. And then maybe just taking a deep breath instead of leaving will be all you need.
Having a moment to yourself will also let you think over the situation (and he can too). That way you can have a moment to make sure you aren't whitewashing his actions (not that you are, but if you get in the habit of saying oh silly me, I'm overreacting you might start white washing problems if they crop up in the future).
posted by ghost phoneme at 6:43 PM on July 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
Remind yourself that you can't make the world perfect/be perfect, and your partner doesn't expect you to be (sounds like you guys know that, but reiterating it to yourself is a good reminder).
It may also help to remove yourself from the room (maybe a quick peck on the cheek or something when that happens as a predetermined signal to your partner that you need a moment;discuss this at a neutral time). You're training yourself not to rely on your partner for comfort (not that that's bad in general, but in this case it may not be helpful for your long-term goal) and establishing to yourself that you're still in control (you are in a stressful situation and are able to remove yourself). Knowing you have an exit and have some control may help with keeping the tears at bay until you're alone. It may take a time or two for your subconscious to catch up and realize these situations aren't dire. And then maybe just taking a deep breath instead of leaving will be all you need.
Having a moment to yourself will also let you think over the situation (and he can too). That way you can have a moment to make sure you aren't whitewashing his actions (not that you are, but if you get in the habit of saying oh silly me, I'm overreacting you might start white washing problems if they crop up in the future).
posted by ghost phoneme at 6:43 PM on July 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
I cry often. I know how annoying it is. Usually it's when I get angry about something, and my body's instinctive reaction to anger is tears. I'm trying to redirect it, but it's difficult.
One thing I will suggest is to not try to suppress it or "prevent these upset feelings". You feel what you feel and you can't change how you feel. Best thing to do in those moments is to accept your feelings, and just feel it. Take notice of how it affects your body. Does your head feel hot? Do you feel different in your chest? Feel the physical effects of it. "Yep, I'm upset. This is me upset." Once you accept your feelings, then you'll be able to take a deep breath and move past it.
At least that's what the therapist said.
posted by monologish at 6:51 PM on July 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
One thing I will suggest is to not try to suppress it or "prevent these upset feelings". You feel what you feel and you can't change how you feel. Best thing to do in those moments is to accept your feelings, and just feel it. Take notice of how it affects your body. Does your head feel hot? Do you feel different in your chest? Feel the physical effects of it. "Yep, I'm upset. This is me upset." Once you accept your feelings, then you'll be able to take a deep breath and move past it.
At least that's what the therapist said.
posted by monologish at 6:51 PM on July 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Chickenmagazine , thank you. I will try those tips and asking myself those questions.
Monsieur Caution, thank you for clarifying. I'll talk to him about using a different tone even when he feels that way.
Deadcrow, thanks. That water trick sounds very useful even in other circumstances.
Halifax, perhaps upset was the wrong word. It makes him feel a bit bad that he makes me cry when I cry because of his tone.
Ghost phoneme, It's been a while since I got off birth control, but that is a good consideration in general. I'll try to remind myself of that and see if it helps. Leaving the room sounds like a really good suggestion, thank you.
Monologish, huh, that's interesting to try and really feel it. I will have to try that, thanks.
posted by SillyEvelina at 7:41 PM on July 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
Monsieur Caution, thank you for clarifying. I'll talk to him about using a different tone even when he feels that way.
Deadcrow, thanks. That water trick sounds very useful even in other circumstances.
Halifax, perhaps upset was the wrong word. It makes him feel a bit bad that he makes me cry when I cry because of his tone.
Ghost phoneme, It's been a while since I got off birth control, but that is a good consideration in general. I'll try to remind myself of that and see if it helps. Leaving the room sounds like a really good suggestion, thank you.
Monologish, huh, that's interesting to try and really feel it. I will have to try that, thanks.
posted by SillyEvelina at 7:41 PM on July 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
I used to date someone who would get annoyed and angry in traffic and other situations and would get annoyed with me when I said that it upset me and asked him to stop. At the time, I internalized this and thought that it was my problem that his behavior triggered my emotions like that, but in retrospect, asking him to have some consideration for my feelings and refrain from that when I was around (or at least reassure me that it wasn't my fault) was a totally reasonable request to make of an adult and he was being a thoughtless asshole.
If he keeps using a tone that upsets you and can't control that or figure out a way to not make you cry, he is a jerk and you deserve better
posted by NoraReed at 8:28 PM on July 6, 2015 [11 favorites]
If he keeps using a tone that upsets you and can't control that or figure out a way to not make you cry, he is a jerk and you deserve better
posted by NoraReed at 8:28 PM on July 6, 2015 [11 favorites]
Best answer: When Anger Scares You: How to Overcome Your Fear of Conflict and Express Your Anger in Healthy Ways is a book that may be helpful. Even if you yourself are not feeling angry, it talks about ways to calm yourself down when someone important to you is angry/annoyed.
posted by jaguar at 8:32 PM on July 6, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by jaguar at 8:32 PM on July 6, 2015 [5 favorites]
I didn't realize you can be annoyed without sounding annoyed. Do you know of any resources for that?
I'm not sure what you mean by resources, but I get annoyed all the time and don't show it. Sometimes I even get angry and I don't show it. For example, I am a professor and I had a student cheat. That made me really, really angry and also annoyed. But did I show that? No. Instead I sat my student down and spoke with him calmly. Or I had a boyfriend who said something really cruel to me once. It made me very mad. Did I yell at him? No. I talked to him about it and we figured it out. You do not have to act the way you feel all of the time.
Our feelings are not facts. As an adult, we are responsible for acting maturely. Someone who gets annoyed because you want them to wash dishes before using them due to a bug problem - a perfectly reasonable request on your part - is pretty much being a jerk. He does not have to act that way. He could keep it to himself. He could laugh and say "oh you, you're a little over zealous with this bug thing." He could say to you in a neutral tone, "Hey, this extra washing is bothering me. I don't understand why we need to double the work we do in the kitchen." Instead, he decides to act annoyed. That is a choice, it's not a particularly kind one, and you can decide whether or not it's a dealbreaker. I do think that walking away from someone who is acting like that is the best option in the moment because it prevents their nastiness from bleeding into your own feelings. But if this is an ongoing issue, you shouldn't put up with it.
That said, you also don't have to cry because you're upset. Working on healthy ways to manage your emotions would probably really be helpful. It's hard to not know what to do with our feelings. But don't completely ignore them, either - don't push them aside. Use them as tools to make choices.
Best of luck.
posted by sockermom at 8:42 PM on July 6, 2015 [14 favorites]
I'm not sure what you mean by resources, but I get annoyed all the time and don't show it. Sometimes I even get angry and I don't show it. For example, I am a professor and I had a student cheat. That made me really, really angry and also annoyed. But did I show that? No. Instead I sat my student down and spoke with him calmly. Or I had a boyfriend who said something really cruel to me once. It made me very mad. Did I yell at him? No. I talked to him about it and we figured it out. You do not have to act the way you feel all of the time.
Our feelings are not facts. As an adult, we are responsible for acting maturely. Someone who gets annoyed because you want them to wash dishes before using them due to a bug problem - a perfectly reasonable request on your part - is pretty much being a jerk. He does not have to act that way. He could keep it to himself. He could laugh and say "oh you, you're a little over zealous with this bug thing." He could say to you in a neutral tone, "Hey, this extra washing is bothering me. I don't understand why we need to double the work we do in the kitchen." Instead, he decides to act annoyed. That is a choice, it's not a particularly kind one, and you can decide whether or not it's a dealbreaker. I do think that walking away from someone who is acting like that is the best option in the moment because it prevents their nastiness from bleeding into your own feelings. But if this is an ongoing issue, you shouldn't put up with it.
That said, you also don't have to cry because you're upset. Working on healthy ways to manage your emotions would probably really be helpful. It's hard to not know what to do with our feelings. But don't completely ignore them, either - don't push them aside. Use them as tools to make choices.
Best of luck.
posted by sockermom at 8:42 PM on July 6, 2015 [14 favorites]
Best answer: Okay, so the sequence of events you depict is that 1) he says something in an annoyed tone of voice, and 2) you cry. You might want to spend some time unpacking WHY you are crying. Not "I was upset because he ___," but rather "When he said ____ I felt ___ because I wanted/needed ___."
Think about what exact words you want to put into those blanks. The more specific you can be, the better chance that he will understand and you can discuss the problem/misunderstanding/whatever. This will take practice. I've resorted to index cards to make sure I'm responding in the most productive way I can in charged situations, so yeah, this is hard for me!
I would recommend you both read Nonviolent Communication. It might help your boyfriend choose words to express his frustration in a way you still feel safe, and help you hear empathize with his feelings.
But if he isn't into it, I'd still recommend you try it. This is a skill I wish I'd learned ten years ago--not that it would have changed much about my past, but maybe how I felt about myself in the past. Keep in mind that you didn't MAKE him feel anything, and if he is feeling something bad it is not because you are a bad person/girlfriend/whatever. If you can move past your hurt of what you assume his feeling are, you can get at his emotion and unmet want/need and really understand what's going on.
posted by estelahe at 10:01 PM on July 6, 2015 [4 favorites]
Think about what exact words you want to put into those blanks. The more specific you can be, the better chance that he will understand and you can discuss the problem/misunderstanding/whatever. This will take practice. I've resorted to index cards to make sure I'm responding in the most productive way I can in charged situations, so yeah, this is hard for me!
I would recommend you both read Nonviolent Communication. It might help your boyfriend choose words to express his frustration in a way you still feel safe, and help you hear empathize with his feelings.
But if he isn't into it, I'd still recommend you try it. This is a skill I wish I'd learned ten years ago--not that it would have changed much about my past, but maybe how I felt about myself in the past. Keep in mind that you didn't MAKE him feel anything, and if he is feeling something bad it is not because you are a bad person/girlfriend/whatever. If you can move past your hurt of what you assume his feeling are, you can get at his emotion and unmet want/need and really understand what's going on.
posted by estelahe at 10:01 PM on July 6, 2015 [4 favorites]
Best answer: He said something about how I shouldn't worry about them in an annoyed tone. And I started to cry.
This does sound like a very low threshold for tears, yes. So I have a couple of thoughts:
1. It isn't reasonable to hope to go through a relationship with no spats and nobody ever sounding annoyed. It happens. I think you are correct to work on dealing with that reality rather than looking to work on your partners so it never happens.
2. Crying is just a signal that you feel something strongly. It isn't a crisis. There is not actually a need for either of you to treat it as one. Yes, I am suggesting you both ignore the tears when they happen. Regardless of the tears falling, focus on using your words to communicate: "please change your tone" or "you know we need to wipe the plates before use" or whatever it is you need to say.
3. Meanwhile, I suggest you figure out what emotion you're feeling that has caused the tears and deal with it. Are you feeling threatened? Is there a voice in your head saying "now he's going to break up with me?" Are you feeling fear, shame, guilt? Are you fearful of confrontation in general? I think you need to sort out what the strong feeling a mild and benign tone-of-voice change is engendering in you and really work through that.
posted by DarlingBri at 10:02 PM on July 6, 2015 [3 favorites]
This does sound like a very low threshold for tears, yes. So I have a couple of thoughts:
1. It isn't reasonable to hope to go through a relationship with no spats and nobody ever sounding annoyed. It happens. I think you are correct to work on dealing with that reality rather than looking to work on your partners so it never happens.
2. Crying is just a signal that you feel something strongly. It isn't a crisis. There is not actually a need for either of you to treat it as one. Yes, I am suggesting you both ignore the tears when they happen. Regardless of the tears falling, focus on using your words to communicate: "please change your tone" or "you know we need to wipe the plates before use" or whatever it is you need to say.
3. Meanwhile, I suggest you figure out what emotion you're feeling that has caused the tears and deal with it. Are you feeling threatened? Is there a voice in your head saying "now he's going to break up with me?" Are you feeling fear, shame, guilt? Are you fearful of confrontation in general? I think you need to sort out what the strong feeling a mild and benign tone-of-voice change is engendering in you and really work through that.
posted by DarlingBri at 10:02 PM on July 6, 2015 [3 favorites]
Is it possible you might be crying in part because you need reassurance and your boyfriend reassures you when you cry? If that's the case, try skipping the crying part and using your words instead. For example, you might tell your boyfriend something like, "I want to try not crying so often, and I think I might cry in part because after I cry, you hug me and I know you're not mad at me. So next time this happens, I'm going to try to not cry, and instead try to tell you that I'm sorry I annoyed you, and I would like a hug and reassurance that you aren't mad. How does that sound?" And then follow through. Even if you can't avoid crying when you say this, try what DarlingBri suggests and say it anyway.
(And if after lots of practice and work you really can't avoid crying, maybe go into another room or otherwise get yourself some space until you feel better.)
posted by phoenixy at 1:58 AM on July 7, 2015 [3 favorites]
(And if after lots of practice and work you really can't avoid crying, maybe go into another room or otherwise get yourself some space until you feel better.)
posted by phoenixy at 1:58 AM on July 7, 2015 [3 favorites]
Coming from a similar angle as ghost phoneme: are you on the pill?
Some women experience a heightened vulnerability and emotional, often tearful outbursts when on a hormonal contraceptive. If you google "emotional side effects contraceptive pill" you will find many personal decriptions, including this one.
I was always critical of such accounts but after stopping the pill two years ago after 12 years of constant intake, I experienced this effect myself. My theory is that since the pill makes your body believe that your are already pregnant, you are subconciously very much looking for a harmonious environment and having the babys dad around. Once that hormonal influence is gone you suddenly can feel much more confident, free and not as easily affected emotionally.
posted by Fallbala at 3:27 AM on July 7, 2015
Some women experience a heightened vulnerability and emotional, often tearful outbursts when on a hormonal contraceptive. If you google "emotional side effects contraceptive pill" you will find many personal decriptions, including this one.
I was always critical of such accounts but after stopping the pill two years ago after 12 years of constant intake, I experienced this effect myself. My theory is that since the pill makes your body believe that your are already pregnant, you are subconciously very much looking for a harmonious environment and having the babys dad around. Once that hormonal influence is gone you suddenly can feel much more confident, free and not as easily affected emotionally.
posted by Fallbala at 3:27 AM on July 7, 2015
Do you cry when he sounds annoyed with someone else, or just if its aimed at you?
posted by the agents of KAOS at 4:58 AM on July 7, 2015
posted by the agents of KAOS at 4:58 AM on July 7, 2015
Taking a "tone" is not a requirement of feeling a feeling. Taking an upset "tone" with your partner is almost never a healthy or good thing.
Soaking your voice in the shitty thing your feeling is a way of trying to make someone else feel as shitty as you. It's childish and cruel.
I am an angry person, I'm annoyed a lot, ragefull sometimes, I do my best to keep that shit 100% out of my voice and body language. I don't want to threaten or annoy my loved ones, I wan't to not be annoyed and ragefull, and the way to do that is communicate clearly and calmly.
posted by French Fry at 6:11 AM on July 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
Soaking your voice in the shitty thing your feeling is a way of trying to make someone else feel as shitty as you. It's childish and cruel.
I am an angry person, I'm annoyed a lot, ragefull sometimes, I do my best to keep that shit 100% out of my voice and body language. I don't want to threaten or annoy my loved ones, I wan't to not be annoyed and ragefull, and the way to do that is communicate clearly and calmly.
posted by French Fry at 6:11 AM on July 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
It's really hard to tell from your description whether your boyfriend is being a jerk or if he's just, you know, getting annoyed. Like, I definitely get annoyed at my boyfriend sometimes, and I know he can hear it in my tone. I think he's OK with that because the vast majority of our interactions are loving and pleasant? At least I hope so? And I do try to use my words *before* I get annoyed, removing myself from the conversation if possible (like, "Hey, I know shopping around for the Best Bed Ever is important to you, but I am happy with either of the ones on the short list so please let's stop talking about it.").
Some people seem to be saying that your boyfriend should never let himself sound annoyed with you, and if they're thinking of, like, Paul Rudd in Wet Hot American Summer, then, yes, they're right - no one needs to be shitty about stuff, no matter how annoyed they get. But, like, people get annoyed! And they express that!
Honestly the kind of situation you describe, where there's a minor but continuing disagreement that extends over weeks that he may see you as not taking action over? That is *exactly* the kind of thing where I would start to sound annoyed.
posted by mskyle at 6:22 AM on July 7, 2015
Some people seem to be saying that your boyfriend should never let himself sound annoyed with you, and if they're thinking of, like, Paul Rudd in Wet Hot American Summer, then, yes, they're right - no one needs to be shitty about stuff, no matter how annoyed they get. But, like, people get annoyed! And they express that!
Honestly the kind of situation you describe, where there's a minor but continuing disagreement that extends over weeks that he may see you as not taking action over? That is *exactly* the kind of thing where I would start to sound annoyed.
posted by mskyle at 6:22 AM on July 7, 2015
Sometimes when my husband gets annoyed/irritated, I squawk at him like an angry bird ("MRAAAAACK!"). I've found that to be a good way to acknowledge his grumpiness without letting it get me upset too.
posted by Jacqueline at 8:37 AM on July 7, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by Jacqueline at 8:37 AM on July 7, 2015 [5 favorites]
Are you sure that you cried because of the tone and not because of what he said? Because I think it's pretty out of order for him to tell you how you should feel about, for example, bugs in your kitchen. Good for him if he's fine with it but if you're grossed out and want to wash the plates again before using them, you're not exactly able to switch that feeling off automatically just because he wants you to.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 8:47 AM on July 7, 2015
posted by kinddieserzeit at 8:47 AM on July 7, 2015
Best answer: One thing that helps me is to vocalize what I'm feeling instead of letting it out through my tears. So, in the example you gave about the dishes, I might have said something like (not sure what you were actually feeling but as an example):
"I'm sorry, sweetheart. I know it's annoying that I keep asking you to wash the dishes and am so anxious about these bugs. Please don't get mad at me. I can't help it, I'm just really freaked out about these bugs and rinsing off the dishes makes me feel better."
When you are crying, what you are probably feeling is something like:
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you."
"I'm sorry, I didn't know you would be annoyed by that."
"I'm sorry, I should have paid better attention."
"I'm sorry. Please don't be so upset with me over something small. I love you."
Not that you are always sorry for what you did, but you are (I imagine) sorry that you annoyed him.
posted by amaire at 10:15 AM on July 7, 2015
"I'm sorry, sweetheart. I know it's annoying that I keep asking you to wash the dishes and am so anxious about these bugs. Please don't get mad at me. I can't help it, I'm just really freaked out about these bugs and rinsing off the dishes makes me feel better."
When you are crying, what you are probably feeling is something like:
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you."
"I'm sorry, I didn't know you would be annoyed by that."
"I'm sorry, I should have paid better attention."
"I'm sorry. Please don't be so upset with me over something small. I love you."
Not that you are always sorry for what you did, but you are (I imagine) sorry that you annoyed him.
posted by amaire at 10:15 AM on July 7, 2015
As you're sorting through these suggestions, I would ask you to keep in mind that asking someone else not to have feelings -- not to be angry, not to be upset, not to be annoyed -- is not a very fair request. Other people are entitled to their feelings, and feelings are often hard to control, which makes requests to modify feelings frustrating for both parties. Asking people to modify their behavior, however, is completely appropriate, and letting a partner know that a certain tone of voice, eye-rolling, name-calling, or other observable behaviors upset you can be helpful in finding ways to communicate better. People also generally have much more control over their behavior than over their feelings, which makes requests to modify behaviors much more easily fulfilled than requests not to feel a certain way.
posted by jaguar at 10:24 AM on July 7, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by jaguar at 10:24 AM on July 7, 2015 [3 favorites]
You have not said how long you've been together, but especially in a new relationship it is normal to feel very rattled when your loved one is upset with you. This is your first relationship, you describe yourself as sensitive, some crying when there is mild conflict doesn't seem at all surprising.
Crying like this will probably become less common over time. However, I wouldn't be surprised if it still happens from time to time. I still make my wife cry sometimes when I get snappish or upset about something. We have a good marriage, care about each other, treat each other well, trust each other. Even in a good relationship not everything is going to be perfect all the time.
I don't think you should worry about making your boyfriend upset by crying. It shouldn't be your job to smooth out all the conflict or suppress your feelings to spare his. It's OK for him to show it when he's annoyed, and it's OK for you to cry when that upsets you.
If you want to change how these scenes are playing out, talk about it with your boyfriend, don't take it all on yourself. I don't think this pattern is a problem as long as it's only once in a while, but you might be able to figure out rules or a plan to make it go better, if it's bugging you.
(I am assuming here that your boyfriend is not bullying you with disapproval and anger, and that his annoyance is just the kind of normal annoyance that any intimate people will feel toward each other from time to time. But bullying/intimidation with disapproval does happen, be sure it's not happening to you.)
posted by mattu at 12:24 PM on July 7, 2015
Crying like this will probably become less common over time. However, I wouldn't be surprised if it still happens from time to time. I still make my wife cry sometimes when I get snappish or upset about something. We have a good marriage, care about each other, treat each other well, trust each other. Even in a good relationship not everything is going to be perfect all the time.
I don't think you should worry about making your boyfriend upset by crying. It shouldn't be your job to smooth out all the conflict or suppress your feelings to spare his. It's OK for him to show it when he's annoyed, and it's OK for you to cry when that upsets you.
If you want to change how these scenes are playing out, talk about it with your boyfriend, don't take it all on yourself. I don't think this pattern is a problem as long as it's only once in a while, but you might be able to figure out rules or a plan to make it go better, if it's bugging you.
(I am assuming here that your boyfriend is not bullying you with disapproval and anger, and that his annoyance is just the kind of normal annoyance that any intimate people will feel toward each other from time to time. But bullying/intimidation with disapproval does happen, be sure it's not happening to you.)
posted by mattu at 12:24 PM on July 7, 2015
What my husband and I try to remember to do and say:
Keep an even tone of voice. It's better to say, "I get very annoyed because of all the nervous talk about bugs." The next part should be something like, "What can WE do about this?"
If the SO does whine or snipe, ask them, "Can you say that in a nicer way?" Or, "Please speak to me as you'd like to be spoken to." Speak calmly -- pause and collect yourself if you need to.
If somebody's agitated or weepy, either can say, "Let's talk again in a little while.
Even if you cry or initially show anger, you can say "I feel bad when you talk to me in that tone." They may say they feel bad when you cry, or when you bug them about something. That's changing the subject. Repeat: "When you snap at me, I feel bad." You want them to acknowledge that you feel bad. You can say straight out, "Say it like this." You can do all this at the moment, or wait till later when you've calmed down. Go ahead and rehearse -- it helps.
Read about "active listening" or "listening skills." You'll find out the principles behind the advice.
When you're calm, it's good to say, "Yes. I understand why you're annoyed/frustrated." Then let them respond. Whatever they say, say something that shows you see their point of view. Just listen without arguing. If your partner gets to speak without any objections from you, it will help to calm the frustration they feel. At that point, or later on, they'll be open to talking about solutions that you come up with together.
Your partner's irritated tone is sort of equal to your crying, or your frequent fretting about bugs. It's an emotional reaction that's not helping either of you. Both of you can turn your attention to solutions, but that's hard to do in a heated moment. It's okay to take a break.
posted by wryly at 12:52 PM on July 7, 2015
Keep an even tone of voice. It's better to say, "I get very annoyed because of all the nervous talk about bugs." The next part should be something like, "What can WE do about this?"
If the SO does whine or snipe, ask them, "Can you say that in a nicer way?" Or, "Please speak to me as you'd like to be spoken to." Speak calmly -- pause and collect yourself if you need to.
If somebody's agitated or weepy, either can say, "Let's talk again in a little while.
Even if you cry or initially show anger, you can say "I feel bad when you talk to me in that tone." They may say they feel bad when you cry, or when you bug them about something. That's changing the subject. Repeat: "When you snap at me, I feel bad." You want them to acknowledge that you feel bad. You can say straight out, "Say it like this." You can do all this at the moment, or wait till later when you've calmed down. Go ahead and rehearse -- it helps.
Read about "active listening" or "listening skills." You'll find out the principles behind the advice.
When you're calm, it's good to say, "Yes. I understand why you're annoyed/frustrated." Then let them respond. Whatever they say, say something that shows you see their point of view. Just listen without arguing. If your partner gets to speak without any objections from you, it will help to calm the frustration they feel. At that point, or later on, they'll be open to talking about solutions that you come up with together.
Your partner's irritated tone is sort of equal to your crying, or your frequent fretting about bugs. It's an emotional reaction that's not helping either of you. Both of you can turn your attention to solutions, but that's hard to do in a heated moment. It's okay to take a break.
posted by wryly at 12:52 PM on July 7, 2015
Is he able to criticize you, and are you able to accept criticism independent of the tone? Because this seems like - from your example, at least - if you were able to take a little time and talk about your disagreements before the Nth time, it would go better. Instead, you make request after request and he bites his tongue until eventually he is like, "Aaargh, why are you so neurotic about this?!?" and then you feel bad - defensive, which is natural because you just got attacked.
And then, after his first attempt at criticism led to you having a crying jag and him being pushed into the comforter role, he feels guilty and the next time something happens he bites his tongue. So the cycle repeats/escalates.
Something *you* can do here is to go talk to him afterward - when you're not in the rush of emotions - and say, for instance, "Earlier, about the dishes. I can understand why you were annoyed; I had really been asking you to do a lot of repeated work. Especially asking you to do it last-minute, I can see why it would feel like an unpleasant surprise. The bugs in our kitchen are causing me a lot of distress, though. Is there some other place we can keep the dishes so they stay clean? Or, is it OK with you if we plan to wash every dish immediately before use? We could just use one dish per person, to reduce the amount of washing needed."
Be open to solutions, is what I'm saying. Be open to making changes and compromises - maybe you have to start hand-drying dishes and putting them away instead of leaving them out on the counter to drip-dry. Maybe *you* have to start doing the dishes, if he doesn't think they are dirty. And sometimes you can't do that "in the moment" but afterward when you're both feeling a bit more even-keeled you do need to practice having those discussions and solving problems together.
posted by Lady Li at 8:52 PM on July 7, 2015
And then, after his first attempt at criticism led to you having a crying jag and him being pushed into the comforter role, he feels guilty and the next time something happens he bites his tongue. So the cycle repeats/escalates.
Something *you* can do here is to go talk to him afterward - when you're not in the rush of emotions - and say, for instance, "Earlier, about the dishes. I can understand why you were annoyed; I had really been asking you to do a lot of repeated work. Especially asking you to do it last-minute, I can see why it would feel like an unpleasant surprise. The bugs in our kitchen are causing me a lot of distress, though. Is there some other place we can keep the dishes so they stay clean? Or, is it OK with you if we plan to wash every dish immediately before use? We could just use one dish per person, to reduce the amount of washing needed."
Be open to solutions, is what I'm saying. Be open to making changes and compromises - maybe you have to start hand-drying dishes and putting them away instead of leaving them out on the counter to drip-dry. Maybe *you* have to start doing the dishes, if he doesn't think they are dirty. And sometimes you can't do that "in the moment" but afterward when you're both feeling a bit more even-keeled you do need to practice having those discussions and solving problems together.
posted by Lady Li at 8:52 PM on July 7, 2015
Response by poster: Thank you for all of your suggestions. I see some conflicting information here though. To answer mskyle’s question, I don’t think my boyfriend is being a jerk. He says something that is perfectly fine in word choice. It would not upset me at all. I get upset only by the annoyed tone, which even I have sometimes, and which I can understand where it's coming from. Do all of you saying that he shouldn’t have that annoyed tone really strive to never sound annoyed?
Estelahe and DarlingBri, thank you. That unpacking and figuring out what exactly I’m feeling sounds very useful, and I will work on it.
Fallbala, no I got off the pill about a year ago because it seemed to have had an effect on my sex drive, even though it doesn't seem to have improved.
The agents of KAOS, no I do not cry when he sounds annoyed with other people. However, now that you mention it, it does make me a bit uncomfortable when he sounds annoyed in general, which is pretty rare. An example is when he’s annoyed at traffic. I can’t recall a situation where I heard anyone else be annoyed in general, so I cannot compare to that.
Amaire, saying what I feel also sounds like something I should try to do. Thank you.
Mattu, we’ve been together about a year and a half. I didn’t think about how this might change with time, thank you.
Lady Li, thank you for pointing that out. I do get a little upset by criticism in general from anyone. I will ask him if he feels like he has to bite his tongue.
posted by SillyEvelina at 5:08 PM on July 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
Estelahe and DarlingBri, thank you. That unpacking and figuring out what exactly I’m feeling sounds very useful, and I will work on it.
Fallbala, no I got off the pill about a year ago because it seemed to have had an effect on my sex drive, even though it doesn't seem to have improved.
The agents of KAOS, no I do not cry when he sounds annoyed with other people. However, now that you mention it, it does make me a bit uncomfortable when he sounds annoyed in general, which is pretty rare. An example is when he’s annoyed at traffic. I can’t recall a situation where I heard anyone else be annoyed in general, so I cannot compare to that.
Amaire, saying what I feel also sounds like something I should try to do. Thank you.
Mattu, we’ve been together about a year and a half. I didn’t think about how this might change with time, thank you.
Lady Li, thank you for pointing that out. I do get a little upset by criticism in general from anyone. I will ask him if he feels like he has to bite his tongue.
posted by SillyEvelina at 5:08 PM on July 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Feelings are just feelings. It is what we do with them that matters. So what do you do when your boyfriend acts annoyed? Some things that I do when I feel like my partner is upset with me are:
- Go for a walk
- Take a shower
- Play fetch with the dog
- Knit
- Get on Metafilter
It's interesting to me that your boyfriend could be asking the same question but isn't: "What can I do when I get annoyed? I use an annoyed tone of voice and it hurts my girlfriend's feelings. How can I control my annoyed emotions so that I don't act out and speak sharply to her?"
You can't prevent your upset feelings. Instead, try to figure out what you can do so that you can go about your day without letting his crummy behavior affect you. And you also have every right to not be with a person who treats you poorly when they are upset themselves. There are many people out there who deal with their annoyances in ways that do not involve taking them out on other people, even "just" by speaking in an annoyed tone of voice.
posted by sockermom at 5:08 PM on July 6, 2015 [8 favorites]