You're family! Just not, you know, my family.
June 30, 2015 12:52 PM Subscribe
I got married last weekend. Yay! Now I'm trying to navigate my relationship with my husband's stepmother. Boo.
Every since my now-husband and I got engaged, his stepmother started harping on the idea that "we're all family now." She doesn't have any daughters and now that I'm more permanently in the picture she apparently wants to have a very close relationship with me. She always says "I love you" and refers to me as family and wants to hang out and chat and do things together.
Unfortunately... I don't feel the same way. She's very nice, but we don't have a lot in common. She tends to like stereotypically feminine things (clothes shopping, wine night with the girls) that I hate. She also loves to gossip and talk about other people, and she's told me pretty much every dark secret that any of her family or friends ever harbored. It makes me 1) super uncomfortable and 2) wary of telling her anything about myself, because I worry that it's going to get repeated. I enjoy doing the holiday thing and seeing her and my father-in-law when they're in town, but that's pretty much the extent of our relationship.
I'm not a very warm person generally, and she's recently made it known that she's really disappointed and taking it very personally. She cornered me at our wedding and tearfully said something along the lines of "we love you, and we hope someday you feel that way about us." Which made me feel about two inches tall.
She's not a terrible person by any means; she's just not someone I feel tremendously close to. In my ideal world, we would be friendly acquaintances. She's a member of my husband's family, and, hence, she's an important figure in our lives and I do love and respect her for that (in my own way). But I'm struggling to figure out how to set some boundaries without hurting her feelings any more than I already have. Any advice on how to have that conversation? Barring that, can you teach me how to be less of an unfeeling robot person?
Every since my now-husband and I got engaged, his stepmother started harping on the idea that "we're all family now." She doesn't have any daughters and now that I'm more permanently in the picture she apparently wants to have a very close relationship with me. She always says "I love you" and refers to me as family and wants to hang out and chat and do things together.
Unfortunately... I don't feel the same way. She's very nice, but we don't have a lot in common. She tends to like stereotypically feminine things (clothes shopping, wine night with the girls) that I hate. She also loves to gossip and talk about other people, and she's told me pretty much every dark secret that any of her family or friends ever harbored. It makes me 1) super uncomfortable and 2) wary of telling her anything about myself, because I worry that it's going to get repeated. I enjoy doing the holiday thing and seeing her and my father-in-law when they're in town, but that's pretty much the extent of our relationship.
I'm not a very warm person generally, and she's recently made it known that she's really disappointed and taking it very personally. She cornered me at our wedding and tearfully said something along the lines of "we love you, and we hope someday you feel that way about us." Which made me feel about two inches tall.
She's not a terrible person by any means; she's just not someone I feel tremendously close to. In my ideal world, we would be friendly acquaintances. She's a member of my husband's family, and, hence, she's an important figure in our lives and I do love and respect her for that (in my own way). But I'm struggling to figure out how to set some boundaries without hurting her feelings any more than I already have. Any advice on how to have that conversation? Barring that, can you teach me how to be less of an unfeeling robot person?
1) Can you introduce her to someone in your family, and see if they get really close? Someone with similar interests? That can redirect her away from you, while satisfying the need for family closeness (and whoever you introduce her to gains a friend. Win-win.)
2) Tell her this. Something like "Stepmotherinlaw, I really want to get to know you better because I can tell you love my husband as much as I do, but my way of making friends takes kind of a long time- it's just how I am. We're also different people, and I love our difference, but sometimes it can be hard. Please bear with me, because I love you in my own way, and that might not be as obvious." You can choose to deal with the gossiping aspect in a different conversation.
posted by blnkfrnk at 1:09 PM on June 30, 2015 [17 favorites]
2) Tell her this. Something like "Stepmotherinlaw, I really want to get to know you better because I can tell you love my husband as much as I do, but my way of making friends takes kind of a long time- it's just how I am. We're also different people, and I love our difference, but sometimes it can be hard. Please bear with me, because I love you in my own way, and that might not be as obvious." You can choose to deal with the gossiping aspect in a different conversation.
posted by blnkfrnk at 1:09 PM on June 30, 2015 [17 favorites]
I don't know how close she lives (sounds far given the "in-town" reference), but perhaps you could invite her to join you at the sort of event that you would enjoy attending?
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:10 PM on June 30, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:10 PM on June 30, 2015 [4 favorites]
Best answer: You're not an unfeeling robot person!
I've had this discussion with my husband. In Love Languages terms, my family is very much an "acts of service" family, and we hardly ever say the L word to each other. His family is very much words of affirmation, and I always had the most awkward time when my in-laws (usually my mother in law) would say "I love you" to me. There was many a mumbled grunt/"See you soon!"/whatever in return from me.
Eventually, my husband passed this along to my mother-in-law, who acknowledged my discomfort. So, she goes on saying "I love you", with the understanding that (1) I will probably not say it back, and (2) she knows that I do love her, as you say, in my own way.
So, highly recommending using your husband as an intermediary here. Talk to him about your issues, and he can hopefully pass things on in a way that your MIL will be able to stomach without her thinking you don't love her.
And, after all, it's still very early in your marriage-- things will change and settle over time.
posted by damayanti at 1:13 PM on June 30, 2015 [25 favorites]
I've had this discussion with my husband. In Love Languages terms, my family is very much an "acts of service" family, and we hardly ever say the L word to each other. His family is very much words of affirmation, and I always had the most awkward time when my in-laws (usually my mother in law) would say "I love you" to me. There was many a mumbled grunt/"See you soon!"/whatever in return from me.
Eventually, my husband passed this along to my mother-in-law, who acknowledged my discomfort. So, she goes on saying "I love you", with the understanding that (1) I will probably not say it back, and (2) she knows that I do love her, as you say, in my own way.
So, highly recommending using your husband as an intermediary here. Talk to him about your issues, and he can hopefully pass things on in a way that your MIL will be able to stomach without her thinking you don't love her.
And, after all, it's still very early in your marriage-- things will change and settle over time.
posted by damayanti at 1:13 PM on June 30, 2015 [25 favorites]
I don't think you need to be "less of an unfeeling robot person." You're just not that into her and that's ok. I do think you need to find a way to have a cordial relationship with her. She's going to be in your life for a very, very long time hopefully.
Be friendly and polite. Ask her questions (I bet like most people, she likes talking about herself), and when she invites you to activities you don't care for or want anything to do with, just say "thank you for the invite. I'll check my schedule and let you know" and just don't attend things you don't want to attend.
There's no obligation to become BFFs, to invite her to non-family events, or frankly, to even get to know her better than you want to. Just extend courtesy. Perhaps with time things will change, but you're not obligated to have a warm and engaging relationship just because you married her step-son.
posted by vivzan at 1:13 PM on June 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
Be friendly and polite. Ask her questions (I bet like most people, she likes talking about herself), and when she invites you to activities you don't care for or want anything to do with, just say "thank you for the invite. I'll check my schedule and let you know" and just don't attend things you don't want to attend.
There's no obligation to become BFFs, to invite her to non-family events, or frankly, to even get to know her better than you want to. Just extend courtesy. Perhaps with time things will change, but you're not obligated to have a warm and engaging relationship just because you married her step-son.
posted by vivzan at 1:13 PM on June 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Have you talked to your husband about this situation?
He's the closest to her, and he would have insider information and maybe even a preference as to how this might be handled.
As to your question, my first instinct is to recommend taking at least one for the team to mend any fences and also set some ground rules, albeit obliquely, for future encounters. You're setting boundaries, but it doesn't involve any sort of Come To Jesus talk.
We teach others how to treat us.
I would do a brunch, or even a brief shopping trip. You can keep the meeting duration closed ended by having an appointment or errand to run later in the afternoon.
During the brunch or shopping, I would keep in mind "Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people." and keep the discussion toward ideas and events, or even things that you see that are interesting. If she's quick on the uptake, she should see the pattern and the gossip should come to an eventual halt. If you have to, come up with a list of innocuous things to discuss. It never hurts to have a cheat sheet.
I'm not saying take all the fun out of it for her, but I am saying make it pleasant or at least tolerable for yourself.
I think that after one or two of these meetings, she might be less inclined toward the more salacious aspects of hanging out with her.
posted by Major Matt Mason Dixon at 1:15 PM on June 30, 2015 [7 favorites]
He's the closest to her, and he would have insider information and maybe even a preference as to how this might be handled.
As to your question, my first instinct is to recommend taking at least one for the team to mend any fences and also set some ground rules, albeit obliquely, for future encounters. You're setting boundaries, but it doesn't involve any sort of Come To Jesus talk.
We teach others how to treat us.
I would do a brunch, or even a brief shopping trip. You can keep the meeting duration closed ended by having an appointment or errand to run later in the afternoon.
During the brunch or shopping, I would keep in mind "Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people." and keep the discussion toward ideas and events, or even things that you see that are interesting. If she's quick on the uptake, she should see the pattern and the gossip should come to an eventual halt. If you have to, come up with a list of innocuous things to discuss. It never hurts to have a cheat sheet.
I'm not saying take all the fun out of it for her, but I am saying make it pleasant or at least tolerable for yourself.
I think that after one or two of these meetings, she might be less inclined toward the more salacious aspects of hanging out with her.
posted by Major Matt Mason Dixon at 1:15 PM on June 30, 2015 [7 favorites]
Best answer: Maybe it's just not worth it to you, but is it possible you could find an activity the two of you would both enjoy at least a little? Are there any crafts you could both do (since you say she is stereotypically feminine)? Or a movie or play, so you wouldn't have to make much conversation? Since you use the phrase "when they're in town", it doesn't sound like you're risking getting roped into hanging out every week. So it seems like one or two shared activities that you could do with her every so often are all that is realistically on the table -- that doesn't seem like too heavy a burden to make a close family member of your husband's happy.
I don't think there's a magical alternative that would get you out of that without hurting her feelings, and while a lot of people might point out (and rightly) that you're not responsible for her feelings, it seems like you could come up with something tolerable -- even enjoyable -- for a few evenings a year.
posted by mister pointy at 1:20 PM on June 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
I don't think there's a magical alternative that would get you out of that without hurting her feelings, and while a lot of people might point out (and rightly) that you're not responsible for her feelings, it seems like you could come up with something tolerable -- even enjoyable -- for a few evenings a year.
posted by mister pointy at 1:20 PM on June 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
I am going to dissent a little bit here. I think it's nice that you want to improve your relationship with her, but I also think that you need to keep very firmly in mind what kind of relationship you want to have with her, set some boundaries, and enforce them. In my very similar experience the type of person who would make a point of guilt-tripping you at your wedding (!!) about not having the relationship that she wants is also the type of person who will see an inch and take a foot.
As I said, I am in a very similar situation and I wish I had established some boundaries with my step-mother-in-law when I first got married, rather than going along with her in order to be polite. The moment I got pregnant she tried to take over my life, thinking, as she did, that she stood in for my own mother (who lives in another country). Nowadays the relationship between the two families is strained because she was so hurt that I rejected her surrogate mothering, and I feel like if I had only made it clear from the beginning that I didn't want to be her daughter, just her stepson's wife, things would have gone a lot better.
posted by lollymccatburglar at 1:39 PM on June 30, 2015 [26 favorites]
As I said, I am in a very similar situation and I wish I had established some boundaries with my step-mother-in-law when I first got married, rather than going along with her in order to be polite. The moment I got pregnant she tried to take over my life, thinking, as she did, that she stood in for my own mother (who lives in another country). Nowadays the relationship between the two families is strained because she was so hurt that I rejected her surrogate mothering, and I feel like if I had only made it clear from the beginning that I didn't want to be her daughter, just her stepson's wife, things would have gone a lot better.
posted by lollymccatburglar at 1:39 PM on June 30, 2015 [26 favorites]
Best answer: You've gotten some great answers, I just wanted to add the anecdote that I felt very much this way about my sister in law when my brother married her (i.e. she's very stereotypically feminine, I am not, I'm a doctor, she's an artist, she values beauty, I value science, I thought we had nothing in common). I was in her bridal party and I remember her hugging us all before the ceremony sobbing "I love you all so much!" and it was incredibly awkward because I felt like I hardly knew her.
I encourage you to fake it till you make it. If you can push yourself a little out of your comfort zone with verbal and physical expressions of love (a few more hugs, signing your e-mails with "love", maybe) to start with, and try not to push her away. I think you will likely grow to value this relationship greatly, especially if you plan to have children. I am a New Englander at heart, and it isn't natural at all to me to be that physical or affectionate with someone off the bat, but I've worked to overcome my standoffishness (my sister in law's culture is southern states).
I can tell you almost 10 years later, my sister in law is actually a dear friend to me now, and despite our differences I DO love her very much. In fact, I'd venture that we may now be closer than any of the other friends she had in the bridal party. I found other things about her that we did have in common (we both like to play games, we both value our families, cooking/crafts stuff), and I found that she is funny, always keeps a sunny attitude, but much less naive and more just fun to hang out with and self effacing/silly and etc than I initially gave her credit for. We go on vacation together, we take our kids to each others' houses on an almost weekly basis. She really is like the sister I never had. It took time to get here but I'm so glad we did. Hope the same happens for you.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 1:43 PM on June 30, 2015 [18 favorites]
I encourage you to fake it till you make it. If you can push yourself a little out of your comfort zone with verbal and physical expressions of love (a few more hugs, signing your e-mails with "love", maybe) to start with, and try not to push her away. I think you will likely grow to value this relationship greatly, especially if you plan to have children. I am a New Englander at heart, and it isn't natural at all to me to be that physical or affectionate with someone off the bat, but I've worked to overcome my standoffishness (my sister in law's culture is southern states).
I can tell you almost 10 years later, my sister in law is actually a dear friend to me now, and despite our differences I DO love her very much. In fact, I'd venture that we may now be closer than any of the other friends she had in the bridal party. I found other things about her that we did have in common (we both like to play games, we both value our families, cooking/crafts stuff), and I found that she is funny, always keeps a sunny attitude, but much less naive and more just fun to hang out with and self effacing/silly and etc than I initially gave her credit for. We go on vacation together, we take our kids to each others' houses on an almost weekly basis. She really is like the sister I never had. It took time to get here but I'm so glad we did. Hope the same happens for you.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 1:43 PM on June 30, 2015 [18 favorites]
Best answer: I was going to say, yes, I am a New Englander but have lots of Midwestern relatives. My family is varied. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve in some cases, and not in others. But I can see how having a new daughter-in-law would be cause for wanting some female solidarity.
Can you compromise while setting boundaries? A weekly phone call? A monthly brunch? Getting her interested in your things?
My mother loved to gossip too, she was a different style of New Englander (French Canadian), so it was natural for her to want to catch me up on the doings of neighbors and relatives. All I had to do was say, "ayuh, ayuh," and throw some back at her.
But my second husband's mother was a breed unto herself: she could decorate her house like Martha Stewart (I am a packrat by nature), knit an intricate sweater in one sitting (I can barely knit), sew like the seamstress to Marie Antoinette (me and needles and thread just do not get along), and it was all beyond me. She also made me uncomfortable. So I get where you're coming from.
Another thing you could do is say, "this is our honeymoon period, and we are nesting together, no offense, but I'll pick back up with you in a couple or three months."
Probably the one thing I have found in common with most of my female relatives is food. We all have to eat. Anyway, my advice is to just say you are shy, but would like to do brunch once in a while or ask her for a recipe or decorating advice ("what do you think of these curtains?"). But a weekly phone call would be respectful and keep the lines of communication open, while giving you some breathing space.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 1:54 PM on June 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
Can you compromise while setting boundaries? A weekly phone call? A monthly brunch? Getting her interested in your things?
My mother loved to gossip too, she was a different style of New Englander (French Canadian), so it was natural for her to want to catch me up on the doings of neighbors and relatives. All I had to do was say, "ayuh, ayuh," and throw some back at her.
But my second husband's mother was a breed unto herself: she could decorate her house like Martha Stewart (I am a packrat by nature), knit an intricate sweater in one sitting (I can barely knit), sew like the seamstress to Marie Antoinette (me and needles and thread just do not get along), and it was all beyond me. She also made me uncomfortable. So I get where you're coming from.
Another thing you could do is say, "this is our honeymoon period, and we are nesting together, no offense, but I'll pick back up with you in a couple or three months."
Probably the one thing I have found in common with most of my female relatives is food. We all have to eat. Anyway, my advice is to just say you are shy, but would like to do brunch once in a while or ask her for a recipe or decorating advice ("what do you think of these curtains?"). But a weekly phone call would be respectful and keep the lines of communication open, while giving you some breathing space.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 1:54 PM on June 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: You don't have to engage on her terms. In fact, it's probably best not to, as trying too hard to relate to someone in a manner that's foreign to you is going to be frustrating for you and really risks coming across as fake or mocking. But if you want to have a good relationship with your husband's family it probably is good that you find some ways to engage.
Maybe you can find some way to establish a pattern of initiating contact in a way that you're comfortable with -- it might be confusing for her at first if she relates to people differently but hopefully she'll see that you're making an effort and learn to value that. Try to find something that plays to your strengths, both because you'll be more comfortable doing it and it will help her learn about the kind of person you are.
posted by Nerd of the North at 1:55 PM on June 30, 2015
Maybe you can find some way to establish a pattern of initiating contact in a way that you're comfortable with -- it might be confusing for her at first if she relates to people differently but hopefully she'll see that you're making an effort and learn to value that. Try to find something that plays to your strengths, both because you'll be more comfortable doing it and it will help her learn about the kind of person you are.
posted by Nerd of the North at 1:55 PM on June 30, 2015
I've found with my own in-laws that, given half a chance, we have more in common than I would have dreamed in my early years of marriage. You can always get her talk about your husband--how long has she been married to his dad?
And all those girly things--you might take a look at why you're so resistant to doing them. Just a thought. You'll have her in your life for a long time, knock on wood, and you might as well figure out how to find stuff to do that you both enjoy. If you have kids, you'll be glad you did.
posted by Ideefixe at 2:09 PM on June 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
And all those girly things--you might take a look at why you're so resistant to doing them. Just a thought. You'll have her in your life for a long time, knock on wood, and you might as well figure out how to find stuff to do that you both enjoy. If you have kids, you'll be glad you did.
posted by Ideefixe at 2:09 PM on June 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
This is probably going to be tough as she very clearly wants a complete enmeshment and for you to fill an empty daughter slot that she's been embroidering with every fantasy of mother-daughter mega-love for years. Probably for years before you even met your husband. You do not have to buy-in. This is especially true because of your instinct that she'll try to pry deeply personal stuff out of you to share with others as she's demonstrated she loves to do.
If you want to, invite her to do things that you love to do that aren't wine nights or shopping. Maybe you can find a middle ground. But, boundaries are healthy and you're not obligated to acquiesce while she aggressively shoves you into her fantasy daughter slot. It's also fine to be frank with her about what sort of personality you are. Next time she mentions her pain at not having you be her fantasy daughter BFF, just tell her it's not her - you tend to be pretty cerebral and it takes a long time for you to establish deeper connections (or whatever version of that you feel to be comfortable and true).
I'm also a believer in the MeFite rule of everyone being in charge of their own family for both the good and the bad. You're in charge of managing yours and hubby is in charge of managing his. Just because you're the wife doesn't mean that you have to now be in charge of managing and nurturing all family relationships on both sides and that your hubby can kick up his heels. I don't mean that you can't develop loving relationships with them, but that a lot of family expectations of who does emotional maintenance work is highly gendered and that you don't have to buy into that.
Also, congratulations on getting married!
posted by quince at 2:22 PM on June 30, 2015 [10 favorites]
If you want to, invite her to do things that you love to do that aren't wine nights or shopping. Maybe you can find a middle ground. But, boundaries are healthy and you're not obligated to acquiesce while she aggressively shoves you into her fantasy daughter slot. It's also fine to be frank with her about what sort of personality you are. Next time she mentions her pain at not having you be her fantasy daughter BFF, just tell her it's not her - you tend to be pretty cerebral and it takes a long time for you to establish deeper connections (or whatever version of that you feel to be comfortable and true).
I'm also a believer in the MeFite rule of everyone being in charge of their own family for both the good and the bad. You're in charge of managing yours and hubby is in charge of managing his. Just because you're the wife doesn't mean that you have to now be in charge of managing and nurturing all family relationships on both sides and that your hubby can kick up his heels. I don't mean that you can't develop loving relationships with them, but that a lot of family expectations of who does emotional maintenance work is highly gendered and that you don't have to buy into that.
Also, congratulations on getting married!
posted by quince at 2:22 PM on June 30, 2015 [10 favorites]
Best answer: Try to notice when you are resisting her and why. I spent a lot of time resting my mother-in-law and not allowing myself to be open. I started closing myself off because I took things personally (her politics, her gossiping, etc.) None of that had nothing to do with me and in an effort to feel more superior I started looking down on her.
Try to see your husband's step mother as an equal, because she is. I took things too personally and judged my in-laws because I had my own inner pain and doubts and insecurity. When you are cold and closed off, you're not only making yourself miserable, but everyone around you. You may think you are behaving in a way that is above the fray and by not engaging, that somehow makes you more evolved or better than, but really people can see right through that kind of behavior and it only makes you look insecure, unloving and uptight. Drop your expectations on how she should be. That may help you be more open and loving. Stay in the moment and don't take anything personally.
posted by Fairchild at 2:29 PM on June 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
Try to see your husband's step mother as an equal, because she is. I took things too personally and judged my in-laws because I had my own inner pain and doubts and insecurity. When you are cold and closed off, you're not only making yourself miserable, but everyone around you. You may think you are behaving in a way that is above the fray and by not engaging, that somehow makes you more evolved or better than, but really people can see right through that kind of behavior and it only makes you look insecure, unloving and uptight. Drop your expectations on how she should be. That may help you be more open and loving. Stay in the moment and don't take anything personally.
posted by Fairchild at 2:29 PM on June 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
I just kind of want to give you some data on how this can work with some people. It's not about 'we have nothing in common'. It's absolutely, 100%, about different expectations of what marriage means and whether or not their family is yours.
When I married my husband, I acquired a new sister, new half-sister, some cousins, and in-laws. My new sister is almost nothing like me. But - I really /do/ love her. It's not a fake thing I'm making up. I love her with all my heart, because I expected to love her with all my heart and that was the only outcome tolerable. And I absolutely treat her like a real sister. We have jokes and bonds and even talk about my husband, her brother, completely confidentially. She just - she just /is/ my sister - just the sister I had to marry my husband to get.
With your stepmother, it's even more serious. She has no daughters. I know this isn't the case for everyone, but for some people, having a daughter is very important, and it certainly seems to be the case for her. Depending on when your husband's father remarried, she has probably spent a good chunk of her life knowing that the only way she was going to have a daughter was if her stepson got married. You are the only daughter she is likely ever to have.
I don't think you're a cold or unfeeling person, but just - in my world I can't even conceive of how I would only be friendly acquaintances with my husband's family. I'm not saying I'm right and you're wrong, just that this may be where she's coming from. In her mind, you may be her daughter now. Of course she loves her daughter. Of course she wants her daughter to love her.
So the boundary setting stuff is not really the right place to start. You and your husband, together, need to figure out what your relationship to his family is going to be. Are they going to be your family, too? Or are they going to be acquaintances? Then move from there.
posted by corb at 3:13 PM on June 30, 2015 [6 favorites]
When I married my husband, I acquired a new sister, new half-sister, some cousins, and in-laws. My new sister is almost nothing like me. But - I really /do/ love her. It's not a fake thing I'm making up. I love her with all my heart, because I expected to love her with all my heart and that was the only outcome tolerable. And I absolutely treat her like a real sister. We have jokes and bonds and even talk about my husband, her brother, completely confidentially. She just - she just /is/ my sister - just the sister I had to marry my husband to get.
With your stepmother, it's even more serious. She has no daughters. I know this isn't the case for everyone, but for some people, having a daughter is very important, and it certainly seems to be the case for her. Depending on when your husband's father remarried, she has probably spent a good chunk of her life knowing that the only way she was going to have a daughter was if her stepson got married. You are the only daughter she is likely ever to have.
I don't think you're a cold or unfeeling person, but just - in my world I can't even conceive of how I would only be friendly acquaintances with my husband's family. I'm not saying I'm right and you're wrong, just that this may be where she's coming from. In her mind, you may be her daughter now. Of course she loves her daughter. Of course she wants her daughter to love her.
So the boundary setting stuff is not really the right place to start. You and your husband, together, need to figure out what your relationship to his family is going to be. Are they going to be your family, too? Or are they going to be acquaintances? Then move from there.
posted by corb at 3:13 PM on June 30, 2015 [6 favorites]
Do not introduce this gossipy person to someone in your family as a way to deflect! Geez!!
She should not have cornered you at your wedding. Assume booze was involved and forget it. There's nothing you need to do here. Just remain kind, keep your boundaries. Fini.
posted by jbenben at 3:53 PM on June 30, 2015 [8 favorites]
She should not have cornered you at your wedding. Assume booze was involved and forget it. There's nothing you need to do here. Just remain kind, keep your boundaries. Fini.
posted by jbenben at 3:53 PM on June 30, 2015 [8 favorites]
Response by poster: I would like to mark all of these as best answers (and may do so). Thank you, everyone, for the real talk.
To fill in one detail: in-laws live in another city, but they own a home here so they come up once every couple of months. My father-in-law just retired so I expect they'll be here a lot more frequently. Stepmother-in-law and I are meeting for coffee tomorrow, in fact.
(And I am also a New Englander, if you couldn't tell. It's a blessing and a curse. But mostly the first one.)
posted by ann_disaster at 4:09 PM on June 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
To fill in one detail: in-laws live in another city, but they own a home here so they come up once every couple of months. My father-in-law just retired so I expect they'll be here a lot more frequently. Stepmother-in-law and I are meeting for coffee tomorrow, in fact.
(And I am also a New Englander, if you couldn't tell. It's a blessing and a curse. But mostly the first one.)
posted by ann_disaster at 4:09 PM on June 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
Your husband should talk to her and tell her "Of course, ann_disaster loves/likes you, but she's not effusive. She's not going to hang out and drink wine with you and your friends. Please stop trying to force her to be your new BFF" and he needs to back you up. If you can find an activity that both of you would enjoy, it would be kind to suggest it, maybe an occasional walk in the nearest nature preserve, or cooking a meal when the family gets together.
posted by theora55 at 4:10 PM on June 30, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by theora55 at 4:10 PM on June 30, 2015 [7 favorites]
You don't get to rewrite the rules of family obligation. Absent good cause, you owe your step-mother a fair measure of whatever simulacrum of respectful affection she desires. Carve out something that works for her and is doable for you, and live with it.
posted by MattD at 5:07 PM on June 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by MattD at 5:07 PM on June 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
How much did Stepmom hang out with your husband?
Why would she expect that someone who has known her much less time than your husband would immediately hang out with her more, just because you are the same sex?
I feel like I'm giving you bizarro world advice tangent to the previous answers... but you are absolutely not obligated to "hang out" or forge a bigger relationship than she had with your husband just because you're a woman. This boggles me. It's nice when those in-law relationships DO strengthen over time and natural development, but it really does sound like she wants you to assume the role of a daughter she raised herself here. You are not cold to not be OK with assuming that immediately.
posted by nakedmolerats at 5:41 PM on June 30, 2015 [14 favorites]
Why would she expect that someone who has known her much less time than your husband would immediately hang out with her more, just because you are the same sex?
I feel like I'm giving you bizarro world advice tangent to the previous answers... but you are absolutely not obligated to "hang out" or forge a bigger relationship than she had with your husband just because you're a woman. This boggles me. It's nice when those in-law relationships DO strengthen over time and natural development, but it really does sound like she wants you to assume the role of a daughter she raised herself here. You are not cold to not be OK with assuming that immediately.
posted by nakedmolerats at 5:41 PM on June 30, 2015 [14 favorites]
You don't get to rewrite the rules of family obligation.
This is not a universal law.
posted by winna at 6:00 PM on June 30, 2015 [30 favorites]
This is not a universal law.
posted by winna at 6:00 PM on June 30, 2015 [30 favorites]
Best answer: I had an excellent relationship with my MIL, and she taught me to envision boundaries with respect to a person in my own family with whom I felt unsafe. In the boundary bulls eye, the largest ring contains stuff we can talk about neutrally and activities both of us can tolerate together. The middle ring, "iffy territory" plus specific deflection strategies, specific ways to connect cordially, and tactful ways to gently say no. The interior ring? Stuff I will not talk about with you, specific "Stop that" language, and the confidence to say to myself "No access, and I'm OK with that."
Take a look at what you wrote: "harping on the idea that "we're all family now."...wants to have a very close relationship with me... It makes me 1) super uncomfortable and 2) wary of telling her anything... made it known that she's really disappointed and taking it very personally. She cornered me at our wedding." These are flags. Pay attention to them. She is not entitled to set the terms of your relationship. At the same time, you should remain open to the possibility of your relationship changing and deepening in an organic and mutually agreeable way. Until that happens, know your bulls eye rings, develop appropriate (and tactful and humane) scripts for boundary violations, work to establish what activities you can do with her, and be very, very clear with your husband about all of this; you will need both his understanding and his buy-in, and, on occasion, his ability to run interference for you.
I want to second the idea above that you are not obligated to participate in her mother-daughter fantasy. Be firm in your boundaries, and use kindness and tact to maintain them. Good luck.
posted by MonkeyToes at 6:22 PM on June 30, 2015 [21 favorites]
Take a look at what you wrote: "harping on the idea that "we're all family now."...wants to have a very close relationship with me... It makes me 1) super uncomfortable and 2) wary of telling her anything... made it known that she's really disappointed and taking it very personally. She cornered me at our wedding." These are flags. Pay attention to them. She is not entitled to set the terms of your relationship. At the same time, you should remain open to the possibility of your relationship changing and deepening in an organic and mutually agreeable way. Until that happens, know your bulls eye rings, develop appropriate (and tactful and humane) scripts for boundary violations, work to establish what activities you can do with her, and be very, very clear with your husband about all of this; you will need both his understanding and his buy-in, and, on occasion, his ability to run interference for you.
I want to second the idea above that you are not obligated to participate in her mother-daughter fantasy. Be firm in your boundaries, and use kindness and tact to maintain them. Good luck.
posted by MonkeyToes at 6:22 PM on June 30, 2015 [21 favorites]
I also have the other New Englander side of my family, the quiet side. My father's side is very quiet. But when we get together, we tell stories. Maybe you could do that with her?
For instance, I was up to camp and a bat flew in and my brother had to go up and get my cousin uncle to get it out of the house because my grandmother thought it would get into her white hair. That sort of thing.
I think stories can connect people. You don't have to reveal every aspect of your life to your MIL, but you can connect via stories.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 6:25 PM on June 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
For instance, I was up to camp and a bat flew in and my brother had to go up and get my cousin uncle to get it out of the house because my grandmother thought it would get into her white hair. That sort of thing.
I think stories can connect people. You don't have to reveal every aspect of your life to your MIL, but you can connect via stories.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 6:25 PM on June 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
She sounds like she's not the least bit interested in actually getting to know the real you. She's interested in receiving affection and energy from Daughter-Like-Object X, and she was self-centered enough to guilt-trip you about it at your wedding in order to get it. Between that and the gossiping, she sounds absolutely awful. If your instinct is to keep her at arm's length, then go ahead and do that. You're 100% allowed. You do have to be civil to her, but you're under no obligation to be her buddy.
It is important to talk honestly with your spouse about this, and then to communicate your boundaries to her very clearly, either on your own, through your husband, or as a pair. I'm guessing that shitty behavior on her part will be the result in the near term, but that she'll cut it out eventually if it doesn't yield the desired result.
And do not, FFS, let yourself be guilted into telling her you love her if you don't. I know from experience how that can wear trenches into your soul.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 6:37 PM on June 30, 2015 [21 favorites]
It is important to talk honestly with your spouse about this, and then to communicate your boundaries to her very clearly, either on your own, through your husband, or as a pair. I'm guessing that shitty behavior on her part will be the result in the near term, but that she'll cut it out eventually if it doesn't yield the desired result.
And do not, FFS, let yourself be guilted into telling her you love her if you don't. I know from experience how that can wear trenches into your soul.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 6:37 PM on June 30, 2015 [21 favorites]
Best answer: Congratulations on getting married!
I think you can find ways to show her that you care about her, without doing anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. Like, you don't have to say I love you, but you could tag her in a Facebook post, share a picture or article that made you think of her, give her an unexpected little gift or photo.
I kind of agree with palmcorder, but people get emotional at weddings. If it was a one-time thing that she guilt tripped you about not being close to her, I'd let it go. If not, that would certainly make me back away a little, because that's not cool.
posted by chickenmagazine at 6:59 PM on June 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
I think you can find ways to show her that you care about her, without doing anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. Like, you don't have to say I love you, but you could tag her in a Facebook post, share a picture or article that made you think of her, give her an unexpected little gift or photo.
I kind of agree with palmcorder, but people get emotional at weddings. If it was a one-time thing that she guilt tripped you about not being close to her, I'd let it go. If not, that would certainly make me back away a little, because that's not cool.
posted by chickenmagazine at 6:59 PM on June 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
Your first paragraph made me say, "Euuuuwwww!"
Your second paragraph, after the "typically feminine stuff" made me shout, "Oh, vomit!" So you see, I feel strongly about the non-familyishness of inlaws.
Her displays of hurt are on her. As long as you're not outright snubbing her, or hurling insults, you're doing fine. Don't let her define the extent of the relationship you choose to have with her. She is not part of your family, and only tangentially part of your new hubby's. Congratulations, by the way!
posted by BostonTerrier at 7:32 PM on June 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
Your second paragraph, after the "typically feminine stuff" made me shout, "Oh, vomit!" So you see, I feel strongly about the non-familyishness of inlaws.
Her displays of hurt are on her. As long as you're not outright snubbing her, or hurling insults, you're doing fine. Don't let her define the extent of the relationship you choose to have with her. She is not part of your family, and only tangentially part of your new hubby's. Congratulations, by the way!
posted by BostonTerrier at 7:32 PM on June 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I would really try to come up with something that is the thing you share together. It could even be something like a tv show that you both enjoy and can text and talk about when it's on. You two having a "thing" that is just yours that you connect on might be exactly what she needs to feel like she has a special place in your life, even if it's just a little carved out niche. Maybe some type of hobby. Maybe gardening. Maybe yoga. Movies. A podcast. Something you two can talk about and maybe even do together every now and then.
posted by whoaali at 7:38 PM on June 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by whoaali at 7:38 PM on June 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
Wow, the "making it known" she's disappointed plus that passive aggressive "We love you, too bad you're not a warm human being like us" line at your friggin' wedding has me outraged on your behalf. Possibly to an extent not warranted by reading something from a stranger on the internet. But it sounds like she imagined you as the sidekick in her future narrative and is put out to find you have actual tastes of your own.
Holidays and once every couple months seems fine for adult family. Did she traditionally do all these extra activities with your husband, her actual stepson? If not I don't see how she can expect you to do more. The kindest interpretation would be cultural / generational differences and she just assumes that "girls" like that sort of thing.
I agree to ask your husband to help explain these cultural differences is the best course. If he can do it gently, maybe he can make the point that you don't do that sort of thing with anyone, because you don't enjoy, and continually expressing disapproval is hurting you and not a maternal or nurturing role.
Beyond that, smiling and saying it sounds like she'll have fun but is not the sort of thing you've ever enjoyed is perhaps the best you can do. You can try to find a common activity if you want but honestly holidays and a visit every couple months seems quite reasonable.
posted by mark k at 8:36 PM on June 30, 2015 [7 favorites]
Holidays and once every couple months seems fine for adult family. Did she traditionally do all these extra activities with your husband, her actual stepson? If not I don't see how she can expect you to do more. The kindest interpretation would be cultural / generational differences and she just assumes that "girls" like that sort of thing.
I agree to ask your husband to help explain these cultural differences is the best course. If he can do it gently, maybe he can make the point that you don't do that sort of thing with anyone, because you don't enjoy, and continually expressing disapproval is hurting you and not a maternal or nurturing role.
Beyond that, smiling and saying it sounds like she'll have fun but is not the sort of thing you've ever enjoyed is perhaps the best you can do. You can try to find a common activity if you want but honestly holidays and a visit every couple months seems quite reasonable.
posted by mark k at 8:36 PM on June 30, 2015 [7 favorites]
Reserved people of the world, unite. You don't owe this lady intimacy. And you correctly surmise that it would be foolish to ever confide in her. Had to say that first and foremost. And also a big F THAT to her trying to guilt trip you at your own wedding!
Now then. It may be easier to distract her than to have The Boundaries conversation. To distract, look for things that you could ask her advice about, or otherwise engage her about. Food maybe? Is there anything she makes well, any favorite dish that your husband enjoys, say, that you could learn from her or discuss? Try to establish some topics that you default to as modes of conversation - stuff that isn't too personal, you know? Trips, books... even wine. She will feel connected if you give her chat time, so try to find something you can comfortably chat about without getting bored OR personal. Also, "tell me about Husband when he was little!" can take up a fair amount of time and could be fun to hear about.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:53 PM on June 30, 2015 [5 favorites]
Now then. It may be easier to distract her than to have The Boundaries conversation. To distract, look for things that you could ask her advice about, or otherwise engage her about. Food maybe? Is there anything she makes well, any favorite dish that your husband enjoys, say, that you could learn from her or discuss? Try to establish some topics that you default to as modes of conversation - stuff that isn't too personal, you know? Trips, books... even wine. She will feel connected if you give her chat time, so try to find something you can comfortably chat about without getting bored OR personal. Also, "tell me about Husband when he was little!" can take up a fair amount of time and could be fun to hear about.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:53 PM on June 30, 2015 [5 favorites]
Best answer: I agree that she seems pretty tactless. Some people have never learned that not everyone bonds instantly with others, and that families don't all work the same way. Tedious.
What you can do is lead by example, as others have suggested. The advantage of this is that if you get in first with suggestions of activities (that way you can include some things you would like to do, such as [gardening] [walk in nearby park] [insert other activity, ideally one which is fairly time-limited and might be able to involve other people like your partner, your FIL, etc]) you look like you are actually seeking out her company and being proactive. If she's determined to pursue a one-on-one "girl time" relationship, try to divert her to things that are more neutral. If you both read, for example, you could try a book club or a movie club for the two of you. Decline things you don't like, like the wine nights, but suggest something more tolerable at the same time. If she takes you out on a shopping trip, drag her into the bookstore/hardware store/electronics store/whatever is more to your interest than shoe shopping.
Meanwhile, when you are around her, try to find out more about her. Are there things she knows how to do or knows about that you don't and would like to? Could she teach you to crochet? Help you learn more about wildflowers?
But ultimately, you may just need to have a chat with her in which you explain that it takes you a while to get to know people and that's just the way you are, and that you are also just a reserved person who doesn't talk about personal things a lot. (I'm not saying this is necessarily true, but it sounds true of the kind of relationship you want to have with her.) It doesn't mean you don't care, it's just not the way you work.
Good luck!
posted by Athanassiel at 10:40 PM on June 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
What you can do is lead by example, as others have suggested. The advantage of this is that if you get in first with suggestions of activities (that way you can include some things you would like to do, such as [gardening] [walk in nearby park] [insert other activity, ideally one which is fairly time-limited and might be able to involve other people like your partner, your FIL, etc]) you look like you are actually seeking out her company and being proactive. If she's determined to pursue a one-on-one "girl time" relationship, try to divert her to things that are more neutral. If you both read, for example, you could try a book club or a movie club for the two of you. Decline things you don't like, like the wine nights, but suggest something more tolerable at the same time. If she takes you out on a shopping trip, drag her into the bookstore/hardware store/electronics store/whatever is more to your interest than shoe shopping.
Meanwhile, when you are around her, try to find out more about her. Are there things she knows how to do or knows about that you don't and would like to? Could she teach you to crochet? Help you learn more about wildflowers?
But ultimately, you may just need to have a chat with her in which you explain that it takes you a while to get to know people and that's just the way you are, and that you are also just a reserved person who doesn't talk about personal things a lot. (I'm not saying this is necessarily true, but it sounds true of the kind of relationship you want to have with her.) It doesn't mean you don't care, it's just not the way you work.
Good luck!
posted by Athanassiel at 10:40 PM on June 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
Congratulations on your marriage!
I'm with those who are ewwwww about the things she's done to you (at your wedding! FFS!). I would also be wary. Bullshit you're not warm, just because you're not over the top smoochy affectionate with all and sundry doesn't make you not warm. You're clearly a kindhearted person in asking this question.
I don't believe that you can hurt someone's feelings by omission. I mean, my sister totally forgot my birthday one year but her forgetting wasn't her purposely not sending me wishes, she forgot. If she'd said or done something mean to me, that would've hurt my feelings. Likewise, if you get a hair cut and I don't notice, chalk it up to me being hoplessly unobservant. If I said "sheesh, did you get run over by a lawnmower", that's me purposely hurting your feelings.
If your MIL she isn't getting what she needs from you, that's her problem. But I agree that's too hard to tell her and I like the suggestions for raising topics that allow her to chat away and give the appearance of a bond without being to forced into more than you want to give. Just stay away from anything controversial because hearing someone's bigoted opinions (looking at you, stepmom) makes it really hard to keep to the pleasant but shallow level of relationship.
posted by kitten magic at 10:46 PM on June 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
I'm with those who are ewwwww about the things she's done to you (at your wedding! FFS!). I would also be wary. Bullshit you're not warm, just because you're not over the top smoochy affectionate with all and sundry doesn't make you not warm. You're clearly a kindhearted person in asking this question.
I don't believe that you can hurt someone's feelings by omission. I mean, my sister totally forgot my birthday one year but her forgetting wasn't her purposely not sending me wishes, she forgot. If she'd said or done something mean to me, that would've hurt my feelings. Likewise, if you get a hair cut and I don't notice, chalk it up to me being hoplessly unobservant. If I said "sheesh, did you get run over by a lawnmower", that's me purposely hurting your feelings.
If your MIL she isn't getting what she needs from you, that's her problem. But I agree that's too hard to tell her and I like the suggestions for raising topics that allow her to chat away and give the appearance of a bond without being to forced into more than you want to give. Just stay away from anything controversial because hearing someone's bigoted opinions (looking at you, stepmom) makes it really hard to keep to the pleasant but shallow level of relationship.
posted by kitten magic at 10:46 PM on June 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
Pro-tip for happy adulthood and married life: You don't have to spend any 1:1 time around people like your step-MIL who have shown you beyond a shadow of a doubt they are 1) not protective of your heart and 2) make you feel super uncomfortable. You wrote this Ask for a reason-- she is off, untrustworthy, and you two are absolutely not a fit. (Does your husband get that?)
quince has it: "I'm also a believer in the MeFite rule of everyone being in charge of their own family for both the good and the bad. You're in charge of managing yours and hubby is in charge of managing his. Just because you're the wife doesn't mean that you have to now be in charge of managing and nurturing all family relationships on both sides and that your hubby can kick up his heels." This is actually a 'your husband' problem, not a 'you' problem - but if your husband can't or won't handle this, you are going to need to say something or sit back and watch your boundaries be trampled and watch yourself really start to hate this woman.
Let's be real: you are absolutely correct not to trust her based on her troublesome gossip behaviors you have personally witnessed. "She also loves to gossip and talk about other people, and she's told me pretty much every dark secret that any of her family or friends ever harbored. It makes me 1) super uncomfortable and 2) wary of telling her anything about myself, because I worry that it's going to get repeated." (Wow-- that is really fucked up. I feel awful for the family and friends she's violated.) Pay attention to the super uncomfortable feelings you are having-- they will protect you and serve you well long-term.
"She cornered me at our wedding and tearfully said something along the lines of 'we love you, and we hope someday you feel that way about us.' Which made me feel about two inches tall." Again, profoundly not ok. Who the hell interacts with a bride that way on her wedding day? (Drama llamas - that's who.) File that away under: avoid this person at all costs.
If your husband does not get her to back off of continuing to ask for these intimate interactions with you, I actually think you should say something explicit to her to get her to go away from the idea of you ever getting together 1:1. "Hey step-MIL, I'm sure you mean well, but the truth is I feel like I can't trust you because you told me all of these peoples' deep dark secrets that were very shocking to me, and I find that very hurtful and destroying of trust. And I didn't appreciate the way you cornered me at my wedding and pressured me to get close to you. So I'd rather not spend time with you one-on-one, but I do look forward to the 4 of us getting together with our husbands and having quality family time. Thanks for hearing me out."
posted by hush at 10:58 AM on July 1, 2015
quince has it: "I'm also a believer in the MeFite rule of everyone being in charge of their own family for both the good and the bad. You're in charge of managing yours and hubby is in charge of managing his. Just because you're the wife doesn't mean that you have to now be in charge of managing and nurturing all family relationships on both sides and that your hubby can kick up his heels." This is actually a 'your husband' problem, not a 'you' problem - but if your husband can't or won't handle this, you are going to need to say something or sit back and watch your boundaries be trampled and watch yourself really start to hate this woman.
Let's be real: you are absolutely correct not to trust her based on her troublesome gossip behaviors you have personally witnessed. "She also loves to gossip and talk about other people, and she's told me pretty much every dark secret that any of her family or friends ever harbored. It makes me 1) super uncomfortable and 2) wary of telling her anything about myself, because I worry that it's going to get repeated." (Wow-- that is really fucked up. I feel awful for the family and friends she's violated.) Pay attention to the super uncomfortable feelings you are having-- they will protect you and serve you well long-term.
"She cornered me at our wedding and tearfully said something along the lines of 'we love you, and we hope someday you feel that way about us.' Which made me feel about two inches tall." Again, profoundly not ok. Who the hell interacts with a bride that way on her wedding day? (Drama llamas - that's who.) File that away under: avoid this person at all costs.
If your husband does not get her to back off of continuing to ask for these intimate interactions with you, I actually think you should say something explicit to her to get her to go away from the idea of you ever getting together 1:1. "Hey step-MIL, I'm sure you mean well, but the truth is I feel like I can't trust you because you told me all of these peoples' deep dark secrets that were very shocking to me, and I find that very hurtful and destroying of trust. And I didn't appreciate the way you cornered me at my wedding and pressured me to get close to you. So I'd rather not spend time with you one-on-one, but I do look forward to the 4 of us getting together with our husbands and having quality family time. Thanks for hearing me out."
posted by hush at 10:58 AM on July 1, 2015
« Older Help us maximize our trip to Greece. | What are some of the known longest-uptime *nix... Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
Perhaps if you frame it to yourself that it's actually a good thing to inherit what sounds like a decent new family member who is actually really trying to make a connection with you. Believe me, there are a lot of people with inlaws who are simply terrible.
Plus keep in mind that this person will likely be in your life for (hopefully) a very long time, being that she is probably a prominent member of your spouse's family.
More than anything else, I would say just give it some time. New relationships of any kind often require an adjustment on both sides, and maybe you'll be pleasantly surprised at the outcome if you keep an open mind with what by all accounts is a person quite different than yourself.
posted by eas98 at 1:06 PM on June 30, 2015 [20 favorites]