My elementary school best friend is stalking me.

June 30, 2015 1:56 AM

A girl I was good friends with in elementary school, sort of friends with in high school, but hadn't talked to since 2002 has been sending me repeated, unwanted, disturbing messages online. They are escalating in weirdness. What should I do?

She first contacted me via LinkedIn and sent a long, rambling message. I sent a polite reply wishing her well, because we had once been friends and I hadn't talked to her in forever. However, since then she has sent me increasingly weird and sexual messages. (I am female, btw.)

She sends me busts of messages across many different platforms. She has started asking to be put in touch with my brother, who is 5 years younger than me and she was never friends with, so she can have sex with him. She sent me Facebook DMs, emailed me at my old work email, and has now found my current work email and has messaged me through my employer's website and emailed me directly there. She also got a hold of my cell number and texted me though only once so far.

Her most recent messages emphasize that she wants to meet in person. She lives in Chicago as far as I can tell and I am on the west coast so this seems unlikely but should I be worried?

I am not sure whether to respond to her at all or not. I never actually sent her a message saying stop contacting me--I have ignored all of these messages. Should I say something?

Do I need to talk to HR about the fact that a stalker might be sending me sexual emails at work? Can I block her address somehow?

I just don't know what to do and I am looking for any advice dealing with an online stalker who personally does know you but isn't an ex-boyfriend or something.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (24 answers total)

I think all of the same rules about stalkers apply to this lady, even though she isn't any kind of ex.

Don't answer any of her messages (that will only teach her that after x number of messages, you'll give in and respond), unfriend her on Facebook and make sure your privacy settings there are set as high as possible, delete her from your LinkedIn contacts, block her emails from all your accounts, tell HR that you have someone stalking you who has your work email and address, and do not in any way shape or form actually meet up with her. Save all of the messages from her somewhere, so you have proof if this gets even more out of hand.
posted by colfax at 2:48 AM on June 30, 2015 [29 favorites]

First step: document as much as you can. Screencap, run email print-outs, and save as much as you can about your interactions. This is a priority.

Second step: Tell her to never contact you again. Don't write anything except that. Make sure you document this as well.

Third step: block her as much as you possibly can. Unfriend her, block her from all your social media channels and set up a filter on your email. If any messages get through: see step one.

Fourth step: Tell your closest friends, your brother and close family members that you are having problems with a stalker. Ask them to be vigilant and not engage with the person if they friend them out of the blue.

Fifth step: I second coffax - HR will need to know that you will potentially get disturbing emails. If anything slips through the net, document.

Sixth step: if it continues (and the person is so persistent they find a way of slipping through the multi-channel blocking) or if it escalates to RL contact, grab all your documentation and head to the police.

ETA. Personal experience; not an ex-boyfriend.
posted by kariebookish at 3:17 AM on June 30, 2015 [22 favorites]

This is bizarre. Can you get in touch with any of her family or her friends? Either someone has taken over her accounts or she is mentally ill. I'd start there before going through what you would for a regular stalker.
posted by unannihilated at 3:28 AM on June 30, 2015 [2 favorites]

On top of everything above, ask your work IT to block her address and perhaps her ISP access to their site, if they can.
posted by mibo at 4:39 AM on June 30, 2015 [4 favorites]

Not instead of but along with steps to protect yourself personally, I would seriously consider trying to find and contact members of her family if you have any idea how to reach them. The level of weird involved in this suggests that you're dealing with someone who's having a serious mental health crisis--maybe schizophrenia but more likely a manic episode, and there are lots of people who get very severe manic episodes who are capable of doing very well with the right medication. It's not your personal responsibility to get her help, but if possible you should make sure that her loved ones know what's going on so that they have some opportunity to intervene before she hurts herself or someone else. The fact that the former is more likely doesn't mean that you shouldn't protect yourself, though.
posted by Sequence at 5:21 AM on June 30, 2015 [4 favorites]

Also, I don't think that someone who's capable of doing this much without any kind of encouragement whatsoever is the sort of person who is only going to escalate this because they're upset that you contacted their family. This behavior is already not rational. If she was willing to contact you out of the blue, she'd contact anybody else you knew out of the blue if she had their contact info. But the thing is, this is the sort of problem where one is almost never going to spontaneously recognize that they need treatment, and if she's distanced herself from family, it could be months or years before they find out she needs help. If something about the specifics of the contact you've had so far suggests that it would be dangerous to reach out to her parents or whatever, then by all means, don't ignore your gut instinct. Otherwise, it might be the best chance to make all this stop.

I would probably ask them not to talk to her about you or your brother, though--that probably ought to be a no-brainer to most people but it can't hurt to make it explicit to them that you want them to know about her mental state, you're not asking them to intervene in this particular interaction.
posted by Sequence at 5:34 AM on June 30, 2015 [1 favorite]

I agree with everything kariebookish said. I was 'stalked' (I use the quotes because it was mostly electronic, but it was still disturbing) for a couple of years by a woman who I had only met in passing a few times, who was convinced that we had some sort of deep sexual connection (again, we had said 'hello' a few times and nothing more). I reported it to higher-ups in the organization which we both belonged to because I was genuinely afraid she might start making sexual allegations against me, such was the content of her messages.

The absolute crucial part is to NOT engage - do not reply, do not complain directly to her once you have said "please don't contact me again" etc. Any engagement on your part only reinforces in her mind that you will respond if she tries hard enough.
posted by modernnomad at 7:39 AM on June 30, 2015 [2 favorites]

Crash Override offers support and assistance for situations like this.

I think that documenting as much as possible is a good idea, and if you talk to the police about this, I suggest asking an advocate at your local anti-violence organization to go with you for support. The National Domestic Violence Hotline can be reached at 800-799-SAFE (7233) to help connect you with local support organizations and for safety planning ideas.
posted by Little Dawn at 7:42 AM on June 30, 2015 [2 favorites]

Yeah, having had a significant experience being stalked at one point, I agree with the "do not engage" advice. Stalking experts claim that the stalker family includes the Erotomaniac, the Vindictive Stalker, the Incompetent Suitor and maybe one other that I can't remember.

The Erotomaniac type is delusional, and will interpret any communication at all as "please continue to stalk me." I would recommend a "do not contact" message only for future purposes of establishing a paper trail of wanting to be left alone.

About being worried about her coming to the West Coast: according to crime statistics, female stalkers are much less likely to be violent than males, if this is any consolation.

Also, even if the person isn't a former partner, there is always the nuclear option of serving a restraining order, if it gets to that point, but hopefully this person will just go away when there's no audience for their drama.
posted by johngoren at 9:43 AM on June 30, 2015

Ack, this is Gift of Fear stuff. I don't disagree that you might want to alert her family, but meanwhile I'd also take this very seriously, and treat it as a real personal threat.

So, send her a short clear message saying please do not contact me again in any way. Then block her everywhere. Change your everything, too -- addresses, phone numbers, whatever she has. Yes, notify your work. Yes, get a restraining order (you already qualify.) Warn your brother. Provide everyone at your work and in your neighborhood and family with her name and if possible, photo, and a copy of the restraining order. And remain vigilant. She has a long memory and is resourceful.

She sounds quite mentally ill and obsessed with you. This is potentially a very dangerous thing.
posted by bearwife at 9:48 AM on June 30, 2015 [1 favorite]

I agree with taking precautions/blocking. If you have mutual friends from that time, contact them and let them know what's going on. (they may have already been targeted). Some of them might also have already talked to/notified her family. If you feel safe doing so, I would see if someone in their town could talk to them directly or check in to see if they know what's going on. Maybe they can find her. Maybe she's off her meds and they can get her help.

Let your brother know what's going on, in case she does contact him. And anyone in your family she might reach out to.
posted by emjaybee at 10:31 AM on June 30, 2015

I think there is a case to be made here for continuing to completely ignore her, with no "do not contact" message. It's not as though she is someone you were talking to that you no longer wish to speak to-- she is doing this out of the blue and you have never contacted her.

I don't see what good replying will do, even if you're saying "never speak to me again," because your actions might speak louder than your words. To someone like her, your actions might indicate "good job, you've gotten to me, this is open for negotiation now" even if your words say "do not contact me."

I know it's a pain, but I'd definitely go to the police station and see if they will take a report. This is your paper trail and will lend legitimacy to your story should anything happen, even if the cops won't do anything. They can also advise you if sending her a "don't contact" message is necessary.

I agree with everyone on the basics-- don't delete any of it, block her everywhere, warn your entire circle to not engage ANYONE asking them about you, warn your brother that she mentioned him specifically, and warn your employer.

Sorry you're dealing with this. I don't think you need to help her in any way, as that provides an inappropriate line of access and prioritizes her well-being over yours, so don't feel guilty about her possible mental state.
posted by kapers at 10:50 AM on June 30, 2015 [5 favorites]

"Yes, get a restraining order (you already qualify.)"

Please don't casually spread this common misconception. I see this in every stalking thread and I really wish I hadn't read so much of it when I was in need of help/advice.

It's extremely unlikely the OP would win an attempt to get a restraining order (usually referred to as an order for protection) in NY state courts, the state with which I'm familiar; states differ, but the standard is MUCH higher than what this stalker has done so far, even if they had had a sexual relationship.
posted by kalapierson at 1:24 PM on June 30, 2015 [2 favorites]

Popping in again, sorry.

Please, please do not contact her family or close friends. I am very sorry to say that this could escalate her behaviour towards you. In this situation, your top-priority should be to protect yourself and your own life. If she does continue to seek you out, go to the police. They have protocols on how to deal with stalkers - including people who need medical help.

(Data point: I reported my stalker to the police; they contacted him and he was in such a state that they staged a medical intervention.)

I realise that it's human nature to want to reach out and help, but please consider your own safety first. Also, it may lead to legal complications if you reach out to her family/friends, and you may be seen by the authorities as trying to escalate the situation yourself.

Take care.
posted by kariebookish at 1:58 PM on June 30, 2015 [7 favorites]

I would send 1 piece of email saying Your messages have been inappropriate. I do not want any contact with you. Stop contacting me. because it's like posting the No Trespassing sign. I would block her on social media, ask email admins to block her email at work, or set up your own filter, etc. If her messages are odd and inappropriate, that's one thing. But if she's sounding possessive of you, or in any way threatening, get help from a Domestic Violence program.
posted by theora55 at 4:34 PM on June 30, 2015

would send 1 piece of email saying Your messages have been inappropriate. I do not want any contact with you. Stop contacting me. because it's like posting the No Trespassing sign.

No, you don't need to do this. Every rational person already knows that messages like this are totally out of line--you don't need to do anything to establish that they were unwelcome. A delusional person like your friend will interpret it as license to continue contacting you.
posted by pullayup at 6:54 PM on June 30, 2015 [3 favorites]

From an anonymous commenter:

I also urge caution, scrupulous documentation and 100% disengagement, as in, do not contact this person or acknowledge their messages at all, ever.

I was in a similar situation with a friend's sister (who I ran into occasionally at social events) and in the space of three or four months it escalated from this kind of thing to telling other people that "[poster] loves me and we are engaged but he wants to keep it a secret" and "[poster] raped me and I am pregnant with his child." I strongly suspect that I allowed it to reach this point by continuing to interact with her as I would a normal, rational, non-delusional person.

Luckily (and it makes me feel a little weird typing this out) this happened in a simpler time, when I only had my personal email address and social media didn't yet exist. Everyone who heard the allegations knew that 1) she was mentally ill and 2) there was no way I was doing the things she claimed I was. I can only imagine what a nightmare it have been if I had to try to scrub claims like that off of the internet or defend myself at work to people who didn't know us.

posted by restless_nomad at 9:12 PM on June 30, 2015 [1 favorite]

"Yes, get a restraining order (you already qualify.)"

Please don't casually spread this common misconception. I see this in every stalking thread and I really wish I hadn't read so much of it when I was in need of help/advice.

I never give advice like this casually. In my state, which has standard criteria for restraining orders, the OP does indeed already qualify based on what has already occurred.
posted by bearwife at 10:16 PM on June 30, 2015 [1 favorite]

It really sounds like she is mentally ill. Do you know any of her friends/family who live near her who might be able to help her? Definitely don't contact her yourself - if you say something nice, she will see it as encouragement and if you take the hard line she might get angry. But I wouldn't feel comfortable just ignoring this behaviour without knowing she was getting help from someone appropriate. Aside from anything else, she could just move on to another victim, who might be more vulnerable.
posted by intensitymultiply at 5:23 AM on July 1, 2015

Womenslaw.org is a project of the National Network to End Domestic Violence that offers legal information on a variety of topics, including restraining order information that can be searched by state.

A consultation with a lawyer could help explain your legal options - family law attorneys will likely be familiar with the civil restraining order process as well as relevant criminal laws that may apply to your situation.
posted by Little Dawn at 4:45 PM on July 1, 2015

Mod note: From the OP:

I sent the person a "stop contacting me. This is the final message you will get from me" reply after the most recent weird email (today) and she replied by saying she may be moving to Oregon, where I am. (I have no idea how she would have the money to get out here, but it's still terrifying.)

I feel really stupid for replying if this is what made her escalate to that feeling but there's nothing I can do now other than not reply any more, ever.

I made my facebook account totally friends only, but I am in a profession where I am expected to have a public social media and internet presence.

Do people have specific resources on personal protection orders in Oregon?

How do I tell my spouse that my stalker said she wants to move here?

posted by restless_nomad (staff) at 9:37 PM on July 2, 2015

You had to make a record. You aren't prompting this behavior.

Good info on orders agains stalkers in Oregon if you google "stalking protective order oregon." So many useful ones I didnt want to choose among search results. I also strongly suggest you use these resources to contact an advocate and safety plan.

Re your spouse, show them the prior messages and latest one.

Talk to your work about managing your social media/web presence to make sure you are safe and hide all personal data you can.
posted by bearwife at 11:25 PM on July 2, 2015 [1 favorite]

To find specific information about stalking protection orders in Oregon, you can contact your local anti-violence agency. They have experience with the court process, can explain how it generally works, and may be able to send an advocate with you to court.

To prepare for any kind of protection order, you can search for court records in the state and county where your stalker is located, to see if there are other orders of protection entered against your stalker, and/or criminal charges. You may be able to find court records online, or you can call the clerk of the court for assistance with obtaining the documents or a description of the type of case that the case number is associated with. Similar court actions against your stalker can be evidence that helps show the court that you need a protection order.

When preparing your application for a protection order, be sure to have a copy of the email you sent and the reply email. You requested no further contact, and the reply is evidence that may help you obtain a protection order.

An attorney in Oregon can explain how to present this evidence under the rules specific to Oregon, and your local anti-violence agency may be able to help you find an attorney for a consultation.
posted by Little Dawn at 6:37 AM on July 3, 2015

How do I tell my spouse that my stalker said she wants to move here?

Your local anti-violence agency may be able to offer ideas and support for this issue. Your AskMe question seems to essentially ask about safety planning [womenslaw.org], and informing your spouse can be a part of that. Please do not blame yourself for your stalker's behavior - it is not your fault that she decided to ignore your request to stop contacting you and instead escalated the harassment by contacting you and suggesting that she is planning to move closer to you. There are potential safety risks [victimsofcrime.org] in these situations, which is why anti-violence organizations can offer support and assistance.

Also, as a follow-up to my previous comments, general information about the Oregon protection order process for stalking is available from ORLawHelp.org, including links to local anti-violence organizations. Your situation may be a bit more complex because the stalking seems to be crossing state lines and federal laws [victimsofcrime.org] may also be relevant, but this may also mean that you have more options.

I am an attorney, but I am not your attorney, and I am not offering legal advice about what to do in your specific situation. I think it would be helpful for you to find a free or low-cost consultation with an attorney who has experience in situations like this, so you can have specific information about your options and how to effectively navigate the process, if you choose to take legal action. It is important to understand the process involved with civil restraining orders and/or criminal charges, so you can have the information you need to make an informed decision about what to do, and your own attorney can offer advice about your options in the context of the applicable laws.
posted by Little Dawn at 10:22 AM on July 3, 2015