Should I pay my boyfriend rent if I'm crashing with him for 1 month?
June 23, 2015 7:57 PM Subscribe
I have a gap in between leases, and my boyfriend graciously agreed to let me crash at his place for a month. Should I offer to pay him rent?
I am 23F and he is 24M. We've been together 5 months. We normally spend 3-4 nights a week at his place, occasionally a night at mine. I'd love to have him over more but he doesn't have a laptop (only a desktop), so we usually prefer his place so that we both have access to our computers.
I need to move out of my apartment this week, but I won't be moving into my new apt until 8/1. I asked him if I could stay with him and he agreed. I'm struggling with whether to offer to contribute to rent.
We normally split all costs 50/50. I don't like the idea of being financially dependent on someone. However:
1. I'm also in between jobs. My last job ended 2 weeks ago and I have a few interviews lined up this week, but I don't want to spend money. He has a good job and makes a good salary for someone his age.
2. I wouldn't charge him if he asked to stay with me for a month.
3. I spent a TON of money this year traveling to his place. Sometimes the bus just wouldn't come or there would be a blizzard or it'd be -10 degrees, so I would take a $10 cab. He almost never came up to my place because of the computer issue. So I feel like despite the fact that we split everything evenly I ended up spending more money on the relationship.
What do you think? Should I offer to contribute to rent? Is it all right if I contribute less than half, like 1/3?
I am 23F and he is 24M. We've been together 5 months. We normally spend 3-4 nights a week at his place, occasionally a night at mine. I'd love to have him over more but he doesn't have a laptop (only a desktop), so we usually prefer his place so that we both have access to our computers.
I need to move out of my apartment this week, but I won't be moving into my new apt until 8/1. I asked him if I could stay with him and he agreed. I'm struggling with whether to offer to contribute to rent.
We normally split all costs 50/50. I don't like the idea of being financially dependent on someone. However:
1. I'm also in between jobs. My last job ended 2 weeks ago and I have a few interviews lined up this week, but I don't want to spend money. He has a good job and makes a good salary for someone his age.
2. I wouldn't charge him if he asked to stay with me for a month.
3. I spent a TON of money this year traveling to his place. Sometimes the bus just wouldn't come or there would be a blizzard or it'd be -10 degrees, so I would take a $10 cab. He almost never came up to my place because of the computer issue. So I feel like despite the fact that we split everything evenly I ended up spending more money on the relationship.
What do you think? Should I offer to contribute to rent? Is it all right if I contribute less than half, like 1/3?
I would be straightforward and honest with him- say something like you really prefer to split things 50/50, but it's difficult right now because you don't have a job, and ask him directly if he would feel comfortable with you staying without paying. Maybe offer to buy food and cook, etc. This is something that you should talk to him about rather than trying to decide on your own.
posted by three_red_balloons at 8:00 PM on June 23, 2015 [12 favorites]
posted by three_red_balloons at 8:00 PM on June 23, 2015 [12 favorites]
well...yes, offer to pay what you can--just be honest.
But how much money he makes and how much you have spent to visit him are irrelevant in my mind.
And let him know that if for any reason you have to stay longer that the two of you would re-negotiate the terms.
posted by calgirl at 8:12 PM on June 23, 2015 [3 favorites]
But how much money he makes and how much you have spent to visit him are irrelevant in my mind.
And let him know that if for any reason you have to stay longer that the two of you would re-negotiate the terms.
posted by calgirl at 8:12 PM on June 23, 2015 [3 favorites]
If he has roommates, I would definitely contribute to shared costs.
posted by fermezporte at 8:13 PM on June 23, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by fermezporte at 8:13 PM on June 23, 2015 [1 favorite]
I would at least offer. There are utility costs associated with living together full-time, loss of space and privacy, and the fact this is to help you out, not because you two are preparing to live together. It also means there isn't going to be built-up resentment that lies right under the surface.
posted by Aranquis at 8:20 PM on June 23, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Aranquis at 8:20 PM on June 23, 2015 [1 favorite]
You should offer, he shouldn't accept.
You should of course insist on contributing to the grocery budget and anything else where you actually end up costing him money.
posted by mister pointy at 8:20 PM on June 23, 2015 [40 favorites]
You should of course insist on contributing to the grocery budget and anything else where you actually end up costing him money.
posted by mister pointy at 8:20 PM on June 23, 2015 [40 favorites]
> I spent a TON of money this year traveling to his place. Sometimes the bus just wouldn't come or there would be a blizzard or it'd be -10 degrees, so I would take a $10 cab. He almost never came up to my place because of the computer issue. So I feel like despite the fact that we split everything evenly I ended up spending more money on the relationship.
I think this is an issue worth talking about, although now is probably an awkward time to talk about it. But in a healthy communicative relationship, I think it would be ok to say something like, "I'm spending a lot of cash coming over here, and I love it and don't want it to change... I am feeling the financial pinch a bit. I wondered if there might be a way to balance this somehow, what do you think?" But since you didn't mention it at the time, it's a bit harder to mention it now, depends on how conversations like this usually go for you two.
For sure if he has roommates you should be contributing, and make sure he has a convo to get their agreement before you move in.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 8:23 PM on June 23, 2015 [4 favorites]
I think this is an issue worth talking about, although now is probably an awkward time to talk about it. But in a healthy communicative relationship, I think it would be ok to say something like, "I'm spending a lot of cash coming over here, and I love it and don't want it to change... I am feeling the financial pinch a bit. I wondered if there might be a way to balance this somehow, what do you think?" But since you didn't mention it at the time, it's a bit harder to mention it now, depends on how conversations like this usually go for you two.
For sure if he has roommates you should be contributing, and make sure he has a convo to get their agreement before you move in.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 8:23 PM on June 23, 2015 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: I just offered. Didn't bring up any of the other stuff. I already had a pretty strong feeling that I should do it, which is why I posted the question, I guess. Thanks for the advice, everyone!
posted by placoderm at 8:26 PM on June 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by placoderm at 8:26 PM on June 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
As a person who let a special someone crash for a week and ended up with a non-special someone crashing for three months... offer to pay rent.
posted by infinitewindow at 8:27 PM on June 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by infinitewindow at 8:27 PM on June 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
I feel like the only people you can expect to host you rent-free are parents or a significant other of long standing. And even with those it's not a given.
posted by MsMolly at 8:30 PM on June 23, 2015
posted by MsMolly at 8:30 PM on June 23, 2015
I just offered. Didn't bring up any of the other stuff. I already had a pretty strong feeling that I should do it, which is why I posted the question, I guess. Thanks for the advice, everyone!
Like mister pointy says above, in a perfect world you should offer (ok good) and he shouldn't accept.
Since we don't know what his answer is here, I'll add that if/when he says don't pay him rent, you do chip in for utilities and groceries and insist on that. If he won't let you pay for utilities (I wouldn't, in his situation), then fill up his fridge before you move out.
I'm like you in not liking to feel dependent on someone, and for me this would feel like an equitable enough trade.
posted by phunniemee at 8:38 PM on June 23, 2015 [3 favorites]
Like mister pointy says above, in a perfect world you should offer (ok good) and he shouldn't accept.
Since we don't know what his answer is here, I'll add that if/when he says don't pay him rent, you do chip in for utilities and groceries and insist on that. If he won't let you pay for utilities (I wouldn't, in his situation), then fill up his fridge before you move out.
I'm like you in not liking to feel dependent on someone, and for me this would feel like an equitable enough trade.
posted by phunniemee at 8:38 PM on June 23, 2015 [3 favorites]
Didn't bring up any of the other stuff.
Do bring up the fact that you're not earning right now, and can't afford to pay 50:50 (if you really can't), because if you don't discuss it openly, like internet fraud detective squad, station number 9 mentioned about the cab fare, it's going to come up sooner or later, and probably in a less controlled way. Or it won't come up at all, and it'll feed resentment.
Also - definitely pay for groceries and utilities, and whatever portion of the rent you can afford, if he agrees to that. Don't make up the difference by taking up all of the domestic labour. Cover your own mess and pitch in the way others do, in a rota. Cook a few special meals now and then if you want to, but don't go overboard. Bad precedent, especially in the context of income inequality.
You can pay him back, in money, when you're earning.
posted by cotton dress sock at 11:12 PM on June 23, 2015 [4 favorites]
Do bring up the fact that you're not earning right now, and can't afford to pay 50:50 (if you really can't), because if you don't discuss it openly, like internet fraud detective squad, station number 9 mentioned about the cab fare, it's going to come up sooner or later, and probably in a less controlled way. Or it won't come up at all, and it'll feed resentment.
Also - definitely pay for groceries and utilities, and whatever portion of the rent you can afford, if he agrees to that. Don't make up the difference by taking up all of the domestic labour. Cover your own mess and pitch in the way others do, in a rota. Cook a few special meals now and then if you want to, but don't go overboard. Bad precedent, especially in the context of income inequality.
You can pay him back, in money, when you're earning.
posted by cotton dress sock at 11:12 PM on June 23, 2015 [4 favorites]
(It can be a bad precedent for a romantic relationship between a higher-earning man and a lower-earning woman, I mean, absent really good communication. There's potential for new expectations to be set up that might be hard to shake. People get used to having power over others, even if they didn't want it to begin with. And you already feel you're putting more in, on some level. It's money that talks, a lot of the time, though.)
posted by cotton dress sock at 11:31 PM on June 23, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by cotton dress sock at 11:31 PM on June 23, 2015 [6 favorites]
NO!!!! Especially based on the fact that you wouldn't ask him to pay rent if the roles were reversed. I guess ask yourself: if he was staying at yours, would you want him to offer to pay? Pay for your food, that's all. If you were just an acquaintance, it would be different.
If you do ask and he says 'yes', how would you feel about him? It's the sort of thing that would REALLY put me off a partner, especially if he has money and isn't dirt poor. It would likely be the end for me.
posted by ihaveyourfoot at 3:53 AM on June 24, 2015 [2 favorites]
If you do ask and he says 'yes', how would you feel about him? It's the sort of thing that would REALLY put me off a partner, especially if he has money and isn't dirt poor. It would likely be the end for me.
posted by ihaveyourfoot at 3:53 AM on June 24, 2015 [2 favorites]
If you're spending time at his home while he's working for that month, while he's out you could do some cleaning, fix the plumbing, whatever you know how to do.
If you're going to end up with this guy for a long time, though, and not just five or six months, be sure to make this up to him when you're earning money. You don't want both of you always thinking that you owe him. Save the month's rent up, hand it to him in cash, and refuse to take it back. Tell him if he doesn't take it you will donate it in his name to a certain charity or politician he hates. Explain exactly why if he needs a reason.
posted by pracowity at 6:19 AM on June 24, 2015
If you're going to end up with this guy for a long time, though, and not just five or six months, be sure to make this up to him when you're earning money. You don't want both of you always thinking that you owe him. Save the month's rent up, hand it to him in cash, and refuse to take it back. Tell him if he doesn't take it you will donate it in his name to a certain charity or politician he hates. Explain exactly why if he needs a reason.
posted by pracowity at 6:19 AM on June 24, 2015
Depending on what half the rent might be, I would've considered offering to get him a basic computer or ipad for using at your house, so he can split the visiting at your new place! Something like "hey, I was going to offer you rent, but what if I put that money toward a computer for you at my place?"
posted by vitabellosi at 6:36 AM on June 24, 2015
posted by vitabellosi at 6:36 AM on June 24, 2015
Just chiming in to push back against the idea that he "should say no." You've already offered, so this is sort of by the wayside, but in my mind, it's unfair in a relationship to offer two choices to a partner as equals with the expectation that one of them is the "wrong" choice. To take a petty example, it leads to situations like saying "we can go out for pizza or burgers" and getting mad at someone for choosing burgers because they should have known you like pizza more. It's a trap, and it leads to suspicion that other offers of choices aren't really offers at all. The fair way to offer the decision is more along the lines of "I'd like to get pizza, but if you'd rather get burgers I'm fine with that too," so long as you are actually fine with that.
So, OP, it seems like you have some sense of what the fair or appropriate answer to your question is. The other factors you listed above (relative income, money you've spent traveling) factor into your analysis. If you want them to factor into his analysis as well, I think you need to raise the issues.
posted by craven_morhead at 8:44 AM on June 24, 2015 [4 favorites]
So, OP, it seems like you have some sense of what the fair or appropriate answer to your question is. The other factors you listed above (relative income, money you've spent traveling) factor into your analysis. If you want them to factor into his analysis as well, I think you need to raise the issues.
posted by craven_morhead at 8:44 AM on June 24, 2015 [4 favorites]
No. Instead do other things, like keep the place spotless and super clean; make sure dishes are always done, take out the trash, sweep, mop, and be a perfect house guest.
Men love being catered to. He will enjoy your stay and be so please you're there, I doubt he will inquire about a payment due.
One month will fly by, and I wouldn't offer it up if you didn't have the cash but you have some skills to help out.
posted by Sara_NOT_Sarah at 12:31 PM on June 24, 2015
Men love being catered to. He will enjoy your stay and be so please you're there, I doubt he will inquire about a payment due.
One month will fly by, and I wouldn't offer it up if you didn't have the cash but you have some skills to help out.
posted by Sara_NOT_Sarah at 12:31 PM on June 24, 2015
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posted by janey47 at 8:00 PM on June 23, 2015 [12 favorites]