Relationship with my husband
June 23, 2015 4:01 PM Subscribe
I can't help today but complain, I am in nursing school and I am married. My life is hell. I am in an accelerated nursing program bachelors and I am extremely busy and on top of it my husband is supportive in some ways and very unsupportive in other waysz.he does most of the house chores and cooks most nights. I get that this is hard on him too but I feel that he wants things el that he wants things his way or no way, if I say something that he disagrees about it.
if I say something like school is hard and I want to quit( I do not want to but sometimes I am extremely stressed out and say a bunch of stuff I do not mean) he literally blows stuff out of proportions. He tells me that this marriage does not work, that I should go back to my home town etc. then he says he is sorry he did not mean to say that and that he just wanted to get a reaction out of me. Today I wanted to bring up again the school stress and he starts yelling and telling me he does t want me to hear complaining and that I freaked him out by saying that I will quit when he does everything for us to make school doable. Then we went flower shopping he had an idea of what to buy I had my idea and then he says we need to leave because we are not agreeing on what to buy. I feel he just wants me to agree with him all the times and he feels happy then.
i want so bad to understand him and what is happening and what should I do, he says I am harassing him. I am like what? Harass how? He would not say how he just gets upset cause I am not getting it. I just don't know what to do to make this marriage work. I love him!
if I say something like school is hard and I want to quit( I do not want to but sometimes I am extremely stressed out and say a bunch of stuff I do not mean) he literally blows stuff out of proportions. He tells me that this marriage does not work, that I should go back to my home town etc. then he says he is sorry he did not mean to say that and that he just wanted to get a reaction out of me. Today I wanted to bring up again the school stress and he starts yelling and telling me he does t want me to hear complaining and that I freaked him out by saying that I will quit when he does everything for us to make school doable. Then we went flower shopping he had an idea of what to buy I had my idea and then he says we need to leave because we are not agreeing on what to buy. I feel he just wants me to agree with him all the times and he feels happy then.
i want so bad to understand him and what is happening and what should I do, he says I am harassing him. I am like what? Harass how? He would not say how he just gets upset cause I am not getting it. I just don't know what to do to make this marriage work. I love him!
Also, you just started your nursing program, correct? In both cases where my wife and I took turns going back to school, there was always a breaking in time where you had to get used to a new routine where responsibilities were reshuffled while one person was dealing with the weight of school. It's just a very stressful time. For us, once the routine was figured out, it got a lot better. But it took some clear communication regarding how to negotiate things while still meeting each other's needs.
posted by SpacemanStix at 4:11 PM on June 23, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by SpacemanStix at 4:11 PM on June 23, 2015 [3 favorites]
When my wife was in nursing school and I kept freaking out all the time, it turned out that I was depressed enough to need medication. It's probably not a bad idea to make sure that both of you are able to get all of the mental health tuneups available.
posted by ivan ivanych samovar at 4:17 PM on June 23, 2015 [9 favorites]
posted by ivan ivanych samovar at 4:17 PM on June 23, 2015 [9 favorites]
Few ideas:
*Cut down on the complaining to him. That's what your classmates are for. Note that there's a difference between telling your SO about your day and complaining.
*Manage your stress better on your own. Work out until you fall over. Go to therapy. Hang out with friends. Journal.
*Communicate that you NEED for him to chill on voicing nuclear options like, "I don't know how this marriage will work." There are so so many shades between Happy and Over.
*Go to therapy together. This would be a stressful time for any couple!
*SAY THANK YOU for, like, everything he does to support your household, large and small. Dishes, dinner, passing you the salt.
*Talk. Communicate. Tell him how you feel, and more importantly, what you need. Like actionable steps. In turn, ask him how he feels and what he needs. Then do it.
Best of luck!
posted by functionequalsform at 4:19 PM on June 23, 2015 [34 favorites]
*Cut down on the complaining to him. That's what your classmates are for. Note that there's a difference between telling your SO about your day and complaining.
*Manage your stress better on your own. Work out until you fall over. Go to therapy. Hang out with friends. Journal.
*Communicate that you NEED for him to chill on voicing nuclear options like, "I don't know how this marriage will work." There are so so many shades between Happy and Over.
*Go to therapy together. This would be a stressful time for any couple!
*SAY THANK YOU for, like, everything he does to support your household, large and small. Dishes, dinner, passing you the salt.
*Talk. Communicate. Tell him how you feel, and more importantly, what you need. Like actionable steps. In turn, ask him how he feels and what he needs. Then do it.
Best of luck!
posted by functionequalsform at 4:19 PM on June 23, 2015 [34 favorites]
He may feel neglected, and that (for him) the only way to connect with you is through some sort of blowup.
posted by Nevin at 4:33 PM on June 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Nevin at 4:33 PM on June 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
OK, honestly? I think your husband is being kind of a baby, but you need to knock it off with the threatening to quit. Zero tolerance on the quitting threats from now on.
I know that to you it's just venting, but to someone whose life is interdependent with yours, it is terrifying. He's rearranging his life and priorities, and he's making plans for the future contingent on this program of yours. When you threaten to quit over a hard day, you're telling him "I can and will ruin your plans and pull the rug out from under you at any time, just because I feel like it." That's super not at all even a little bit an okay thing to do to your partner -- and acting on it is, in case you were wondering, even less okay.*
You said it yourself, and he said it himself: when he flies off the handle he's trying to get a reaction out of you. He's trying to get you to understand that when you do this stuff it really does undermine the marriage, and if you don't care about that, then you should probably not be married.
If you're really overwhelmed and need to quit your program then you need to bring that need to him like an adult who is married, and work as a couple to figure out how that would be okay. Otherwise you need to reassure him that you're not quitting, and that when you complain it's not secretly a sign you'll quit.
I would bet a lot of money that he'd be less hung up on getting his way in little weird things if he wasn't constantly afraid that you'd just up and blow up your lives one day because you're stressed.
*Source: A habit of quitting jobs without a plan destroyed my parents' marriage, and quitting other important things without a plan helped to destroy my own.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 4:55 PM on June 23, 2015 [79 favorites]
I know that to you it's just venting, but to someone whose life is interdependent with yours, it is terrifying. He's rearranging his life and priorities, and he's making plans for the future contingent on this program of yours. When you threaten to quit over a hard day, you're telling him "I can and will ruin your plans and pull the rug out from under you at any time, just because I feel like it." That's super not at all even a little bit an okay thing to do to your partner -- and acting on it is, in case you were wondering, even less okay.*
You said it yourself, and he said it himself: when he flies off the handle he's trying to get a reaction out of you. He's trying to get you to understand that when you do this stuff it really does undermine the marriage, and if you don't care about that, then you should probably not be married.
If you're really overwhelmed and need to quit your program then you need to bring that need to him like an adult who is married, and work as a couple to figure out how that would be okay. Otherwise you need to reassure him that you're not quitting, and that when you complain it's not secretly a sign you'll quit.
I would bet a lot of money that he'd be less hung up on getting his way in little weird things if he wasn't constantly afraid that you'd just up and blow up your lives one day because you're stressed.
*Source: A habit of quitting jobs without a plan destroyed my parents' marriage, and quitting other important things without a plan helped to destroy my own.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 4:55 PM on June 23, 2015 [79 favorites]
You don't say anything about the parts of your husband's life that don't have anything to do with you, e.g. work. It makes me wonder if you so caught up in your own issues that you're not paying attention to his.
Even in marriage, you have to edit what you say.
posted by SemiSalt at 5:18 PM on June 23, 2015 [7 favorites]
Even in marriage, you have to edit what you say.
posted by SemiSalt at 5:18 PM on June 23, 2015 [7 favorites]
You have got to figure out how to have more of an even keel. Dramatics do not help anyone. "My life is hell"? Nothing in this question suggests that is actually true. You're going through a busy, tough time. You can and will survive it, no matter what happens.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 6:38 PM on June 23, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 6:38 PM on June 23, 2015 [4 favorites]
sometimes I am extremely stressed out and say a bunch of stuff I do not mean
This is unfair and corrosive in a relationship. My EX-partner once said to me: "If I can't dump shit on you, who can I dump it on?" That comment lead us to counselling, but he truly couldn't see that coping was his responsibility. It was like he was clambering on top of me to stop himself from drowning when all he needed to do was find his own piece of firm ground.
I know study is hard, I am in a professional program myself (and was once a nurse). You are blessed by having a partner who is supporting you by taking on a disproportionate amount of the chores and cooking.
I also know that you are venting here, in this Ask, and sometimes we need to vent. But don't keep venting on your husband and expect it not to corrode his goodwill. Find a co-student, a counsellor, a stuffed toy, some tarmac, a journal (actually, you should be using your journal in this way and reflecting on your *&^%! learning) and vent to that.
And finally, now that you have chilled a little and maybe got a good rest, ask yourself what kind of question your partner might post to Ask about your relationship.
posted by Thella at 6:47 PM on June 23, 2015 [18 favorites]
This is unfair and corrosive in a relationship. My EX-partner once said to me: "If I can't dump shit on you, who can I dump it on?" That comment lead us to counselling, but he truly couldn't see that coping was his responsibility. It was like he was clambering on top of me to stop himself from drowning when all he needed to do was find his own piece of firm ground.
I know study is hard, I am in a professional program myself (and was once a nurse). You are blessed by having a partner who is supporting you by taking on a disproportionate amount of the chores and cooking.
I also know that you are venting here, in this Ask, and sometimes we need to vent. But don't keep venting on your husband and expect it not to corrode his goodwill. Find a co-student, a counsellor, a stuffed toy, some tarmac, a journal (actually, you should be using your journal in this way and reflecting on your *&^%! learning) and vent to that.
And finally, now that you have chilled a little and maybe got a good rest, ask yourself what kind of question your partner might post to Ask about your relationship.
posted by Thella at 6:47 PM on June 23, 2015 [18 favorites]
sometimes I am extremely stressed out and say a bunch of stuff I do not mean
It sounds like he is doing the same thing with his pronouncements about the marriage being over. I think both of you need to stop turning up the drama. School is tough, studying is hard. Nursing especially is hard. It doesn't mean you throw around statements like "I want to quit", especially if you don't. Likewise, he shouldn't threaten divorce unless he means it.
If you really need more drama in your life, try making it mildly humorous. Many people use humour as a way of coping with stress or things that really bother you - somehow laughing at the things that cause you distress makes them less stressful. Instead of complaining about your course, try to see the funny side of things. Pretend you're in a sit-com.
But ultimately, if you are trying to understand him you need to talk less and listen more. It sounds like you are so busy yelling complaints at each other and feeling hurt that neither of you can calm down enough to get to the reality. The reality is that times get tough. If both of you can react to adversity with humour, kindness and goodwill towards each other, you'll get a lot further than hugging your unhappy, misunderstood feelings close while needing to be right. You may be right, but it won't make you any happier.
posted by Athanassiel at 7:17 PM on June 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
It sounds like he is doing the same thing with his pronouncements about the marriage being over. I think both of you need to stop turning up the drama. School is tough, studying is hard. Nursing especially is hard. It doesn't mean you throw around statements like "I want to quit", especially if you don't. Likewise, he shouldn't threaten divorce unless he means it.
If you really need more drama in your life, try making it mildly humorous. Many people use humour as a way of coping with stress or things that really bother you - somehow laughing at the things that cause you distress makes them less stressful. Instead of complaining about your course, try to see the funny side of things. Pretend you're in a sit-com.
But ultimately, if you are trying to understand him you need to talk less and listen more. It sounds like you are so busy yelling complaints at each other and feeling hurt that neither of you can calm down enough to get to the reality. The reality is that times get tough. If both of you can react to adversity with humour, kindness and goodwill towards each other, you'll get a lot further than hugging your unhappy, misunderstood feelings close while needing to be right. You may be right, but it won't make you any happier.
posted by Athanassiel at 7:17 PM on June 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
There's a bunch of stuff that I just don't talk about with partners or friends or anyone but myself (journaling, talking to myself aloud in the car) or my therapist. This might be one of those things. Finding other releases - like a diary - could be very fruitful.
School is stressful. If you're really having this emotional of a reaction to it though that might be something to consider and to talk through with a therapist. School is just another job and if anyone's job is making them feel this bad on a regular basis I'd urge them to think about that and about how to mitigate it. That is no way to live. Stress is not good for anyone.
posted by sockermom at 7:21 PM on June 23, 2015 [1 favorite]
School is stressful. If you're really having this emotional of a reaction to it though that might be something to consider and to talk through with a therapist. School is just another job and if anyone's job is making them feel this bad on a regular basis I'd urge them to think about that and about how to mitigate it. That is no way to live. Stress is not good for anyone.
posted by sockermom at 7:21 PM on June 23, 2015 [1 favorite]
He really shouldn't be yelling at you. You're trying to accomplish something that will provide you both with a strong income stream. Upsetting you is not helpful. Doing a little bit extra around the house is not a big deal. He's being incredibly immature and a drama king, in my opinion.
posted by discopolo at 8:07 PM on June 23, 2015
posted by discopolo at 8:07 PM on June 23, 2015
All of the other issues aside, your husband is not the appropriate party to complain to. He's supporting you in reaching your goal and making sacrifices to do so, so hearing about how it's hard and awful and sucks and you want to quit (even when you know you don't!) is a dreadful, hopeless position in which to put him.
posted by DarlingBri at 8:12 PM on June 23, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by DarlingBri at 8:12 PM on June 23, 2015 [1 favorite]
Also, if I were you, I'd think about leaving him and making sure you have a roommate situation ready. He sounds like a frickin toddler.
When I was doing my prerequisites for my doctorate program, I had about 3 credits left and had gotten my acceptance letter. My ex would scream and pick fights and be a huge dick to me. We broke up and if I hadn't kicked him out, I wouldn't have been able to finish my course. He was a crazy person and I was lucky I only had 3 credits left to do and had already been accepted. I'm lucky he's out of my life. He was always jealous of the times I had to study.
Seriously, focus on your nursing degree. Tell him to hit the bricks. He should be supportive. It's scary to have to depend on someone for having a roof over your head. And you should be able to study without dealing with his tantrums.
If you can find a different housing situation and get more loans, do it. Your degree is way more important than a husband who is going to be an unsupportive dick. He shouldn't be threatening you and telling you to go home. That's not supportive. It's scary. It's immature. Make sure you can continue school above all else and be wary of your husband. Just because you're married doesn't mean you have to mother him or take his abuse.
posted by discopolo at 8:18 PM on June 23, 2015 [1 favorite]
When I was doing my prerequisites for my doctorate program, I had about 3 credits left and had gotten my acceptance letter. My ex would scream and pick fights and be a huge dick to me. We broke up and if I hadn't kicked him out, I wouldn't have been able to finish my course. He was a crazy person and I was lucky I only had 3 credits left to do and had already been accepted. I'm lucky he's out of my life. He was always jealous of the times I had to study.
Seriously, focus on your nursing degree. Tell him to hit the bricks. He should be supportive. It's scary to have to depend on someone for having a roof over your head. And you should be able to study without dealing with his tantrums.
If you can find a different housing situation and get more loans, do it. Your degree is way more important than a husband who is going to be an unsupportive dick. He shouldn't be threatening you and telling you to go home. That's not supportive. It's scary. It's immature. Make sure you can continue school above all else and be wary of your husband. Just because you're married doesn't mean you have to mother him or take his abuse.
posted by discopolo at 8:18 PM on June 23, 2015 [1 favorite]
You two sound very young and like you have not had to deal with hard things before. School is hard but so is work and if you have a hard time communicating now, you either need to work on that now or decide this relationship isn't worth it.
When I'm stressed out, I don't say crazy stuff to my husband and he does what he can to help me. We're a team. We work together. I don't think I'm as good at helping him deal with stress as he is with me but I try, because we're a team and we work together. It's like a contract - he cooks and cleans without saying your marriage doesn't work, you study without threatening to quit your program. When either of you does not uphold your end of the contract, problems ensue. But all you can do is hold up your end - he had to do his part. So study and don't say things you don't mean and thank him for being supportive. Then if he's a jerk, that's on him, not you.
posted by kat518 at 8:31 PM on June 23, 2015 [3 favorites]
When I'm stressed out, I don't say crazy stuff to my husband and he does what he can to help me. We're a team. We work together. I don't think I'm as good at helping him deal with stress as he is with me but I try, because we're a team and we work together. It's like a contract - he cooks and cleans without saying your marriage doesn't work, you study without threatening to quit your program. When either of you does not uphold your end of the contract, problems ensue. But all you can do is hold up your end - he had to do his part. So study and don't say things you don't mean and thank him for being supportive. Then if he's a jerk, that's on him, not you.
posted by kat518 at 8:31 PM on June 23, 2015 [3 favorites]
Gosh, it sounds like the two of you have a very troubled relationship. I say that not just from this question, but from pretty much every other question you've asked on AskMe--going back to before you were married.
One thing that seems *very clear* is that you both need some solid couple's counseling to help you develop the skills and tools to talk about things like disagreements and stress without hitting the breaking point every time.
posted by yellowcandy at 8:54 PM on June 23, 2015 [5 favorites]
One thing that seems *very clear* is that you both need some solid couple's counseling to help you develop the skills and tools to talk about things like disagreements and stress without hitting the breaking point every time.
posted by yellowcandy at 8:54 PM on June 23, 2015 [5 favorites]
I think couples counseling would be great for you guys. Between the stress, your new marriage and the cultural differences mentioned in a previous post you have a lot to work through. Make the time if you want to stay married to each other.
posted by chaiminda at 3:29 AM on June 24, 2015
posted by chaiminda at 3:29 AM on June 24, 2015
It's okay to feel overwhelmed. It's okay to think about quitting. It's okay to say these things to him. But it's helpful to frame it better. "Husband, I'm feeling really overwhelmed. This is a tremendous amount of work! Sometimes I feel like I'm never going to be able to finish. Sometimes I just want to walk away from it all. I really need you to reassure me right now. Here is a small script I've written for you to read to me." (Hand him a piece of paper on which is written, "Wife, I hear that you are very overwhelmed, and I hear how anxious you sound. I want you to know that I believe in you and your ability to do all this work. I'm here to support you during this whole process, and one day, you're going to be done with this.")
Point being, I think you want something valid, and I think he wants to support you. But he's (probably) not a mind reader. If you want X, you have to tell him you want X. That shit where "if he loved me he'd know that I need X!" is only valid in fiction.
For what it's worth, this internet stranger thinks you can do it. You can!
posted by disconnect at 8:54 AM on June 24, 2015
Point being, I think you want something valid, and I think he wants to support you. But he's (probably) not a mind reader. If you want X, you have to tell him you want X. That shit where "if he loved me he'd know that I need X!" is only valid in fiction.
For what it's worth, this internet stranger thinks you can do it. You can!
posted by disconnect at 8:54 AM on June 24, 2015
The good news is that you don't have to change him. However, you must understand that he is affected by your business and stress. Do as much as you can to leave him out of the stress so that he can live his own life as peacefully as possible. this doesn't mean you baby and placate him but rather assume he is an adult and will do what is needed to take care of himself. Don't bring stress home (let it out elsewhere) and love and enjoy his companionship. don't make him your sounding board and expect so much of him, he's just a person. Be kind to yourself, stress is in your head, manage it by writing lists, meditation, exercise, eating right and getting enough sleep. You can look back on this and be amazed at your success.
posted by waving at 9:17 AM on June 24, 2015
posted by waving at 9:17 AM on June 24, 2015
I don't think he's approaching this the right way, but there seems to be a sort of logic. You say you want to quit school but are really just overwhelmed; he repeats this back to you about your marriage. The reaction he's trying to get from you is probably meant to be a result of this mirroring. You've both structured your lives-- and your marriage-- around your schooling; your (repeated?) talks about quitting are probably triggering some high levels of anxiety for him.
This isn't a healthy framing for either of you. You need to pursue therapy, either individually or together.
posted by RainyJay at 6:32 PM on June 24, 2015
This isn't a healthy framing for either of you. You need to pursue therapy, either individually or together.
posted by RainyJay at 6:32 PM on June 24, 2015
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posted by SpacemanStix at 4:07 PM on June 23, 2015 [13 favorites]