Breakup in Same Social Circle
June 20, 2015 10:51 AM Subscribe
My girlfriend (26) broke up with me (33) out of the blue last week. To add to this, we share the same tight social circle that meets multiple times per week for different outings.
I have been keeping my distance from the group so far. While I don't want to lose touch with this circle of friends, I also feel that seeing her would add to my pain and discomfort.
Has anyone been in a similar situation and how did you handle it?
I think loads of people have been in that situation.
Traditionally in a breakup, one person gets the friends. It sucks for the other person. However, you can take steps for this to not be the case by inviting subsets of friends from your social circle to do things you organise. Invite one or two people to have coffee or beers or go to the cinema or climb a mountain or go to a farmer's market or whatever. Then ask other people to do something else. You'll find both friendships you can sustain outside big group activities, and friendships you can't.
posted by DarlingBri at 11:15 AM on June 20, 2015 [6 favorites]
Traditionally in a breakup, one person gets the friends. It sucks for the other person. However, you can take steps for this to not be the case by inviting subsets of friends from your social circle to do things you organise. Invite one or two people to have coffee or beers or go to the cinema or climb a mountain or go to a farmer's market or whatever. Then ask other people to do something else. You'll find both friendships you can sustain outside big group activities, and friendships you can't.
posted by DarlingBri at 11:15 AM on June 20, 2015 [6 favorites]
How big is your town?
I lived in a relatively small city (~ 40K permanent residents, plus a bunch of students), and the population that shared my general age and interests was also relatively small. Pretty much everyone had a social connection to everyone else, including as former romantic interests (we called this the "six degrees of fornication"). It was practically impossible to go out on the weekend and not run into someone I had previously made out with, dated, been broken up with, etc. And I wasn't even that sexually/socially active.
It wasn't always fun, and it was definitely sometimes painful, but we all just dealt with that dynamic. I'm not saying that you should force yourself back out before you're ready. Everyone needs time to feel more stable, after a breakup, especially a surprise breakup. What I am saying is that it doesn't suck forever, and a good way to make that period of awkwardness shorter is to just act like it doesn't suck that bad.
Is this circle of friends truly mutual? Can you ask them to hang out, and safely assume they'll be canny enough to not invite your ex? Are any of them close enough to have given you some sympathetic support? Friend groups generally don't like to foster drama that ruins their fun (cynical reading) or see their friends in pain (generous reading), so they should be willing to respect your needs at this time. That might mean "no ex" excursions, or just giving you space to grieve a bit. In any case, if they are your friends as much as hers*, they'll still be there when you're ready to emerge.
* If they are her friends, and you were simply absorbed as part of that couple, don't expect anything at this time. Rather, meet whatever social needs or gain support from your own friend group. You may be able to be casual friends with them again, in the future, as long as you behave like a grownup now.
posted by credible hulk at 11:20 AM on June 20, 2015
I lived in a relatively small city (~ 40K permanent residents, plus a bunch of students), and the population that shared my general age and interests was also relatively small. Pretty much everyone had a social connection to everyone else, including as former romantic interests (we called this the "six degrees of fornication"). It was practically impossible to go out on the weekend and not run into someone I had previously made out with, dated, been broken up with, etc. And I wasn't even that sexually/socially active.
It wasn't always fun, and it was definitely sometimes painful, but we all just dealt with that dynamic. I'm not saying that you should force yourself back out before you're ready. Everyone needs time to feel more stable, after a breakup, especially a surprise breakup. What I am saying is that it doesn't suck forever, and a good way to make that period of awkwardness shorter is to just act like it doesn't suck that bad.
Is this circle of friends truly mutual? Can you ask them to hang out, and safely assume they'll be canny enough to not invite your ex? Are any of them close enough to have given you some sympathetic support? Friend groups generally don't like to foster drama that ruins their fun (cynical reading) or see their friends in pain (generous reading), so they should be willing to respect your needs at this time. That might mean "no ex" excursions, or just giving you space to grieve a bit. In any case, if they are your friends as much as hers*, they'll still be there when you're ready to emerge.
* If they are her friends, and you were simply absorbed as part of that couple, don't expect anything at this time. Rather, meet whatever social needs or gain support from your own friend group. You may be able to be casual friends with them again, in the future, as long as you behave like a grownup now.
posted by credible hulk at 11:20 AM on June 20, 2015
Um, I don't see any indication that the OP feels like a "loser," he/she just wants not to see his/her ex? Because that can be painful, to like, even non-loser humans?
OP maybe try to see some of this friend group more one-on-one if that's an option; the extra bonus of this is that you can clue them into your desire to stay connected without running into your ex right away, and they can spread the word through the tight knit group.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 11:37 AM on June 20, 2015 [5 favorites]
OP maybe try to see some of this friend group more one-on-one if that's an option; the extra bonus of this is that you can clue them into your desire to stay connected without running into your ex right away, and they can spread the word through the tight knit group.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 11:37 AM on June 20, 2015 [5 favorites]
I would personally go ahead and start seeing everyone again, regardless of her plans.
Your life goes on.
Her life goes on.
Here's the deal: BOTH OF YOU are going to be uncomfortable, be in a bit of pain, and probably want to be elsewhere.
Be polite, be discreet, have fun and focus on the dozens of OTHER people there who are your friends.
posted by Major Matt Mason Dixon at 11:53 AM on June 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
Your life goes on.
Her life goes on.
Here's the deal: BOTH OF YOU are going to be uncomfortable, be in a bit of pain, and probably want to be elsewhere.
Be polite, be discreet, have fun and focus on the dozens of OTHER people there who are your friends.
posted by Major Matt Mason Dixon at 11:53 AM on June 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
It kind of all depends if you trust her to not be talking shit about you to them when you're not there or not and if you trust your friends to tell you if she is.
If you're always wondering if your friends are secretly thinking shitty things about you, it's probably going to be awkward to hang out with them anyway, whether she's there or not.
posted by ctmf at 12:17 PM on June 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
If you're always wondering if your friends are secretly thinking shitty things about you, it's probably going to be awkward to hang out with them anyway, whether she's there or not.
posted by ctmf at 12:17 PM on June 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
If you and she are still talking and are on not-terrible terms, could you work out a "custody" arrangement for the regular group outings? Like, you two agree that she will have first dibs on going out with the group on their Wednesday night outings and you will have first dibs for the Monday night outings. Or switch off weeks. This works better if the outings are regular and predictable, but it can work even with more irregular schedules. It's still hard, but at least it allows both of you to stay close to the group of friends without having to spend time around each other. It also allows your friends to avoid some of the stress of having to chose sides.
posted by aka burlap at 1:23 PM on June 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by aka burlap at 1:23 PM on June 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
Were these friends really mutual, or were they her friends and they just included you?
posted by discopolo at 4:38 PM on June 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by discopolo at 4:38 PM on June 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
I think it's perfectly reasonable to tell these friends that you want to continue to have a relationship with them but that you don't want anything to do with your ex, and you would appreciate if they would not invite you to anything where she will be present. That might mean that they don't invite you to anything, if they are more loyal to your ex than they are to you. If that happens, then you have your answer. But who knows. The most you can do in this situation is inform the involved parties of your intentions – stay friends, avoid ex – and let the chips fall where they may.
posted by deathpanels at 7:51 PM on June 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by deathpanels at 7:51 PM on June 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
i had my friends that i introduced my ex to. after the break up (which i initiated, with support from some of these friends) i lost nearly all of them. i miss them from time to time, but sometimes friendships can't survive a breakup. you can try what i did before it failed - invite the friends to dinner or whatever in a one on one sort of basis and try to create some fun times without her, but not in an obviously excluding her way. they'll gravitate where they feel most comfortable - might be towards you or her or both, only time will tell.
posted by nadawi at 8:59 PM on June 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by nadawi at 8:59 PM on June 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thank you for the responses.
I had two options neither of which were easy. I could go back and pretend like nothing happened. Or I could not go back. I like hanging out with the group. But I am not wired for the first option.
posted by QuietType at 3:25 AM on June 28, 2015
I had two options neither of which were easy. I could go back and pretend like nothing happened. Or I could not go back. I like hanging out with the group. But I am not wired for the first option.
posted by QuietType at 3:25 AM on June 28, 2015
This thread is closed to new comments.
Here's the thing: Your loser feelings are just cognitive distortions. The pain and social anxiety? In your head, not in anyone else's.
Clear your head. Deep breath. Focus on seeing your friends for no other reason than you like seeing your friends because they're good people that are good to you. Just glom onto the most helpful, most useful fact that you can believe in. And know that this all goes away, but right now, it's hard and requires effort to focus on what's useful to you.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 11:11 AM on June 20, 2015