Friendship breaking up is hard to do.
June 19, 2015 10:32 AM Subscribe
A former friend intentionally cut my partner (and, by extension, me) out of his life. I don't want to feel panicky every time I hear about this person, and I don't want my partner to feel cut out of his professional community. How do I get over all these bummer feelings?
Here's the requisite wall of text about the many bummers of being friend-dumped.
My partner (let's call him Jack) and I are in our early 30s and have a great group of friends in a big city. One of these friends for about two years was "Chris." We hung out probably a couple times a week during that time, shared a lot of common interests, and introduced Chris to a bunch of our other friends. Jack and Chris are in a similar but not totally overlapping career field.
Almost two years ago, Jack moved out of an office space he shared with Chris and into a new private office space. Jack met all his financial obligations, gave Chris a reasonable amount of notice that he was leaving, and clearly communicated that he did not want this business decision to affect their friendship. Chris lost his shit about it over email and has not spoken to either of us since. I reached out a couple times in the immediate aftermath, but Chris never followed up with me. Since then, Chris's company has moved out of the space he and Jack shared with a few other people and into a larger space (like, a whole city block). They frequently host events for people in Jack's industry, to which Jack is emphatically not invited. (Apparently Chris has threatened to call the cops if he shows up, which seems ridiculous, but I wouldn't put it past him.) So Jack feels like he's being severed from his professional community and from their shared friend group.
Jack runs his business solo. It's not anything super exciting, but it's profitable. Chris runs a flashy, "cool" company, the kind of thing that gets front page posts around these parts. He has a team of a dozen or so people working with him, many of whom continue to be friendly with Jack.
Because Chris's company is "cool," Jack and I both hear about how cool they are all the time in media/social media and IRL from people who either don't know about our past relationship with Chris or don't think it's a big deal. This makes me feel sad, anxious, and awkward all the time. (Like, about once a week. And it's been two years.) And because Jack and I have a lot of mutual friends with Chris, all those friends have to tiptoe around the situation by not inviting both of them to parties, avoiding talk about their work, etc. A couple different people have tried to approach Chris about burying the hatchet and he has responded by threatening to cut them out, too.
So my question is: How do Jack and I deal? I know in the long run this all makes Chris look like a huge asshole, but people who don't know him or Jack that well just think that one of them is a cool guy with a fancy space and lots of connections, and the other is... just some dude? Obviously I love Jack and think he is awesome, and he wouldn't deserve to get treated like this even if he'd fucked Chris over much more than he did. I hate seeing him so frustrated because he's lost access to all the events that happen in Chris's space and many of the professional contacts they share. It sucks to know that your partner feels lonely and isolated. I'm resentful of Chris for putting Jack in that position, but at the same time I miss his friendship: he and I had stuff in common outside of what he shared with Jack. But I think I've lost my chance to communicate that, if I ever had one, and I don't know what it would even accomplish for him to hear from me at this point. Weirdly, Chris told me once that he is extremely conflict-avoidant, so I think a lot of his behavior is based on a false assumption that Jack or I would confront him. I have no interest in doing that, and I know Jack doesn't either. He just wants to exist in a good, supportive community. He's assertive, but not a jerk.
What have you done in a situation like this? How did you ever feel better about it? How can I move away from feeling hurt and practice forgiveness when this continues affecting my life?
Here's the requisite wall of text about the many bummers of being friend-dumped.
My partner (let's call him Jack) and I are in our early 30s and have a great group of friends in a big city. One of these friends for about two years was "Chris." We hung out probably a couple times a week during that time, shared a lot of common interests, and introduced Chris to a bunch of our other friends. Jack and Chris are in a similar but not totally overlapping career field.
Almost two years ago, Jack moved out of an office space he shared with Chris and into a new private office space. Jack met all his financial obligations, gave Chris a reasonable amount of notice that he was leaving, and clearly communicated that he did not want this business decision to affect their friendship. Chris lost his shit about it over email and has not spoken to either of us since. I reached out a couple times in the immediate aftermath, but Chris never followed up with me. Since then, Chris's company has moved out of the space he and Jack shared with a few other people and into a larger space (like, a whole city block). They frequently host events for people in Jack's industry, to which Jack is emphatically not invited. (Apparently Chris has threatened to call the cops if he shows up, which seems ridiculous, but I wouldn't put it past him.) So Jack feels like he's being severed from his professional community and from their shared friend group.
Jack runs his business solo. It's not anything super exciting, but it's profitable. Chris runs a flashy, "cool" company, the kind of thing that gets front page posts around these parts. He has a team of a dozen or so people working with him, many of whom continue to be friendly with Jack.
Because Chris's company is "cool," Jack and I both hear about how cool they are all the time in media/social media and IRL from people who either don't know about our past relationship with Chris or don't think it's a big deal. This makes me feel sad, anxious, and awkward all the time. (Like, about once a week. And it's been two years.) And because Jack and I have a lot of mutual friends with Chris, all those friends have to tiptoe around the situation by not inviting both of them to parties, avoiding talk about their work, etc. A couple different people have tried to approach Chris about burying the hatchet and he has responded by threatening to cut them out, too.
So my question is: How do Jack and I deal? I know in the long run this all makes Chris look like a huge asshole, but people who don't know him or Jack that well just think that one of them is a cool guy with a fancy space and lots of connections, and the other is... just some dude? Obviously I love Jack and think he is awesome, and he wouldn't deserve to get treated like this even if he'd fucked Chris over much more than he did. I hate seeing him so frustrated because he's lost access to all the events that happen in Chris's space and many of the professional contacts they share. It sucks to know that your partner feels lonely and isolated. I'm resentful of Chris for putting Jack in that position, but at the same time I miss his friendship: he and I had stuff in common outside of what he shared with Jack. But I think I've lost my chance to communicate that, if I ever had one, and I don't know what it would even accomplish for him to hear from me at this point. Weirdly, Chris told me once that he is extremely conflict-avoidant, so I think a lot of his behavior is based on a false assumption that Jack or I would confront him. I have no interest in doing that, and I know Jack doesn't either. He just wants to exist in a good, supportive community. He's assertive, but not a jerk.
What have you done in a situation like this? How did you ever feel better about it? How can I move away from feeling hurt and practice forgiveness when this continues affecting my life?
So, on a business level, I think the thing to do (or to encourage Jack to do) is to focus on making his OWN networking and events happen, independently of Chris. It sounds like he was able to piggyback on Chris's cool networking events in the past, because of both the shared office space and friendship, and that's no longer an option due to the falling out. It sucks, but it also sounds like it's not ruining Jack's business -- you say it's continuing to be profitable. I would approach this assuming that Chris's events are just off limits (pretend they don't exist) and do what needs to be done to ensure that Jack is not cut off from his professional community. Surely Chris's events are not the ONLY opportunity for networking in your area, even if they are the most fun and flashy. Jack can do things like -- be proactive about attending networking events elsewhere, invite colleagues to lunch or coffee one-on-one or in groups, offer a fun event at his office or at a neutral location, team up with some other sole-proprietor business owners to offer networking events, etc.
On a friendship level, I think it is fine for Jack and/or you to reach out at least once more and say something to the effect of "Some time has passed and I hope we can bury the hatchet, at least to the point of not making things uncomfortable for our mutual friends at their social events. I am sorry for the part I played in our friendship falling apart, and hope we can connect again on some level." And -- without getting overly gossip-y and drama-y, I also think it is fine to mention something to closer friends like "Hey, I would really like to make things less awkward, please don't feel the need to segregate your guest lists or stress over events on my behalf."
Beyond that, I would just practice mindfully letting go when reminders of this come up. Like, acknowledge -- your feelings about what happened are there, they're real, and you're just going to let them be but not let them take over. Although it sounds a little cheesy, one thing that has also worked for me is just writing out a loooooooooooong letter with all your grievances, angers, mad things you feel like you want to say to Chris about how he's a jackass and being unfair and whatever else, and then rip it up or burn it or let it go in some other symbolic way.
posted by rainbowbrite at 11:26 AM on June 19, 2015 [3 favorites]
On a friendship level, I think it is fine for Jack and/or you to reach out at least once more and say something to the effect of "Some time has passed and I hope we can bury the hatchet, at least to the point of not making things uncomfortable for our mutual friends at their social events. I am sorry for the part I played in our friendship falling apart, and hope we can connect again on some level." And -- without getting overly gossip-y and drama-y, I also think it is fine to mention something to closer friends like "Hey, I would really like to make things less awkward, please don't feel the need to segregate your guest lists or stress over events on my behalf."
Beyond that, I would just practice mindfully letting go when reminders of this come up. Like, acknowledge -- your feelings about what happened are there, they're real, and you're just going to let them be but not let them take over. Although it sounds a little cheesy, one thing that has also worked for me is just writing out a loooooooooooong letter with all your grievances, angers, mad things you feel like you want to say to Chris about how he's a jackass and being unfair and whatever else, and then rip it up or burn it or let it go in some other symbolic way.
posted by rainbowbrite at 11:26 AM on June 19, 2015 [3 favorites]
I'm confused to why other people are particating in the blacklisting. Just because Chris doesn't invite Jack to parties, doesn't mean that everyone has to choose between the two! I would scratch at this until I had an answer. I would have different advice if Chris was scared of you or was spreading misinformation about Jack.
I would try to bury the hatchet with Chris with the goal of seeing each other at events and being civil. I think Jack should throw and an event and invite Chris to show there is no hard feelings. I would also practice a very diplomatic way to sum up the situation and speak about Chris that is tactful and not drama filled. ie "Chris and I used to share space, but we aren't close since I moved out to such and such location."
posted by Gor-ella at 11:46 AM on June 19, 2015 [2 favorites]
I would try to bury the hatchet with Chris with the goal of seeing each other at events and being civil. I think Jack should throw and an event and invite Chris to show there is no hard feelings. I would also practice a very diplomatic way to sum up the situation and speak about Chris that is tactful and not drama filled. ie "Chris and I used to share space, but we aren't close since I moved out to such and such location."
posted by Gor-ella at 11:46 AM on June 19, 2015 [2 favorites]
Buried the lede a bit here: "(Apparently Chris has threatened to call the cops if he shows up, which seems ridiculous, but I wouldn't put it past him.)" Calling the police? Wow. That's cold. See the meaning behind that: realistically, you're almost certainly not going to be able to be friends with Chris again, nor even distant acquaintances. That is, so long as you're partnered with Jack anyway (which you no doubt want to be!).
I just want to validate that this is a real bummer for you, indeed. It's a loss. And I bet it feels pretty unfair -- he dismissed you without explanation just because you're associated with Jack. In your shoes, I would not be feeling heard. But. The reality here is that Chris has gone no-contact with both of you for nearly 2 years. His mind is made up, and I doubt reaching out to him by any means at this point will have the desired effect of you and yours being welcomed back into his cool, Jack's career-advancing, party-throwing fold -- and by the way, maybe remind yourself why would you even want to be friendly again with a person you now have such a low opinion of vis-a-vis his credible threats to call the police on Jack? Chris sounds like a charismatic bully, but then again, he probably felt betrayed by Jack leaving and does not know how to use his words in-person to express that; so instead he is more comfortable using his social power, passively, to exclude. Which sucks.
"Chris told me once that he is extremely conflict-avoidant,"
Believe him -- he has told you who he is. Therefore, trying to reach him will go absolutely nowhere. Sucky as it may be, at this point you're just going to have to accept things for how they've played out and try to move on emotionally, socially, and, for Jack, professionally.
"I don't want to feel panicky every time I hear about this person, and I don't want my partner to feel cut out of his professional community."
Your panicky feelings? These are probably worth exploring over a few sessions in therapy, especially given this all went down nearly 2 years ago and it still feels intense for you. You know you can't control whether or not Jack feels cut out professionally -- and honestly it's not your responsibility. Jack sounds like he has it well in hand though, and is having career success despited being iced out.
"A couple different people have tried to approach Chris about burying the hatchet and he has responded by threatening to cut them out, too... I know in the long run this all makes Chris look like a huge asshole, but people who don't know him or Jack that well just think that one of them is a cool guy with a fancy space and lots of connections..."
Who cares what other people who don't know Chris and/or Jack very well think? As for the "couple different people" who tried to intervene on Jack's behalf (or something?), they now should have all the info they need to decide whether Chris is a quality person or not, and act accordingly. Whatever anyone else thinks is just not your problem. I definitely get your unspoken desire for some type of "justice" or fair hearing here, and I get how frustrating it can be to feel like you are one of the few people who has seen someone socially powerful's true colors, while it seems like everybody else in your circle is still being fooled into thinking he's this great guy. Ugh. It sucks. The answer, I think, is to really just worry about yourself from now on. Try your best to stop paying attention to whatever the dramatic social narrative about Chris is as it regards Jack. Control the things you can. In the words of Don Draper: "If you don't like what's being said, change the conversation."
posted by hush at 1:26 PM on June 19, 2015 [12 favorites]
I just want to validate that this is a real bummer for you, indeed. It's a loss. And I bet it feels pretty unfair -- he dismissed you without explanation just because you're associated with Jack. In your shoes, I would not be feeling heard. But. The reality here is that Chris has gone no-contact with both of you for nearly 2 years. His mind is made up, and I doubt reaching out to him by any means at this point will have the desired effect of you and yours being welcomed back into his cool, Jack's career-advancing, party-throwing fold -- and by the way, maybe remind yourself why would you even want to be friendly again with a person you now have such a low opinion of vis-a-vis his credible threats to call the police on Jack? Chris sounds like a charismatic bully, but then again, he probably felt betrayed by Jack leaving and does not know how to use his words in-person to express that; so instead he is more comfortable using his social power, passively, to exclude. Which sucks.
"Chris told me once that he is extremely conflict-avoidant,"
Believe him -- he has told you who he is. Therefore, trying to reach him will go absolutely nowhere. Sucky as it may be, at this point you're just going to have to accept things for how they've played out and try to move on emotionally, socially, and, for Jack, professionally.
"I don't want to feel panicky every time I hear about this person, and I don't want my partner to feel cut out of his professional community."
Your panicky feelings? These are probably worth exploring over a few sessions in therapy, especially given this all went down nearly 2 years ago and it still feels intense for you. You know you can't control whether or not Jack feels cut out professionally -- and honestly it's not your responsibility. Jack sounds like he has it well in hand though, and is having career success despited being iced out.
"A couple different people have tried to approach Chris about burying the hatchet and he has responded by threatening to cut them out, too... I know in the long run this all makes Chris look like a huge asshole, but people who don't know him or Jack that well just think that one of them is a cool guy with a fancy space and lots of connections..."
Who cares what other people who don't know Chris and/or Jack very well think? As for the "couple different people" who tried to intervene on Jack's behalf (or something?), they now should have all the info they need to decide whether Chris is a quality person or not, and act accordingly. Whatever anyone else thinks is just not your problem. I definitely get your unspoken desire for some type of "justice" or fair hearing here, and I get how frustrating it can be to feel like you are one of the few people who has seen someone socially powerful's true colors, while it seems like everybody else in your circle is still being fooled into thinking he's this great guy. Ugh. It sucks. The answer, I think, is to really just worry about yourself from now on. Try your best to stop paying attention to whatever the dramatic social narrative about Chris is as it regards Jack. Control the things you can. In the words of Don Draper: "If you don't like what's being said, change the conversation."
posted by hush at 1:26 PM on June 19, 2015 [12 favorites]
Firstly, I think you need to remove yourself from Jack's relationship with Chris. You seem really caught up in all of this business related stuff when as far as I can tell, you weren't in business with Chris. Jack could perhaps do with setting up some of his own networking events, and such, and inviting people to them. Being jealous over the fact that someone else is doing something that you yourself are capable of doing, but simply aren't, is silly. Jack would benefit from stepping up and making the effort himself, if only for the sake of his business. He might not be welcome at Chris's events, but he'll definitely be welcome at his own. He can even invite all of the people who go to see Chris, and see if they turn up. Chris is a prime example of how to handle business. Copy him.
With regards to the friendship, it's absolutely over. Both of you should grieve it and move on. Create a better life for yourself with some new experiences. There's only so much space in your brain, so fill that space with fun and interesting things. Living well is the best revenge.
posted by Solomon at 2:40 PM on June 19, 2015 [2 favorites]
With regards to the friendship, it's absolutely over. Both of you should grieve it and move on. Create a better life for yourself with some new experiences. There's only so much space in your brain, so fill that space with fun and interesting things. Living well is the best revenge.
posted by Solomon at 2:40 PM on June 19, 2015 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
I think if Jack wants to come back into the community that Chris represents, the best way would be to contact Chris, and say 'I made a mistake when I moved out of your office and tried to go it on my own. Can we bury the hatchet?' If Jack is unwilling to do that, then Jack is part of the problem of this discommunity rather than it being only Chris.
posted by corb at 11:06 AM on June 19, 2015