Making International Jetlag + Inlaw Visits less yucky
June 17, 2015 11:57 AM Subscribe
About once a year, my family and I travel internationally to visit my spouse's family. I am horribly affected by jetlag (both mine, and our preschooler's) and the intense visiting. This is steadily putting a strain on my relationship with my partner, since we have pretty gnarly arguments during the visit. Since I think it is important that we continue to do these visits -- for my husband to maintain relationships "back home" as well as our daughter to foster relationships with her relatives -- I need some help modifying my behavior/tips for making these visits less yucky.
My husband and I have been together for over 10 years, and although initially making these visits was exciting, as well as a bit draining, I am now concerned they will just be exhausting, and I want to change that. After a few years of visiting, I have identified two main reasons for why these trips can be so tough: jetlag and its effects, and my tendency to be an introvert in what feels like a very extroverted scenario.
The jetlag is a killer – it would be bad enough if I was just tired all the time, but it then also has the added effect of making me incredibly moody and irritable, sometimes irrationally so. The problem, of course, is that at the time it feels very truly rational and I only regain perspective after I am back home and adjusted back to “normal” again. If I was on a deserted island and suffering from jet lag, that would be one thing – I could be as pissy and irrational as I wanted – but of course I am not, and instead visiting relatives and friends and having to be “on”, while also looking after our preschooler (who is only slightly better at adjusting than I am). I feel badly that I never really get to know my partner's family or friends as my true self -- it is always the whacked out jet-lagged version of myself, which isn't my best persona.
I tend to require a significant amount of downtime, in general, after being around large groups of people (my partner has a large family) particularly if I find them to be judgmental or if we don’t have much in common. Sometimes I am able to carve out some down time for myself, and have benefitted from going on day trips either alone or with our nuclear family, but I tend to feel a bit guilty about this, and worry that my inlaws might interpret this as me not wanting to visit with them, since that is largely why we are taking these trips, after all. Other times, I am not able to carve out much alone time, as in our race to visit with all of the friends and family, we are cramming in the visits and driving for hours to make sure we see everyone.
I often feel I am just along for the ride, that this is two weeks purely dedicated to my partner, and I suppose that is how it is supposed to be, but it can feel rather isolating and lonely, on top of everything else. My partner thinks I should be relaxed and completely comfortable -- this is a "holiday" for me, too -- but although I generally get along with and love his family, I definitely do not see these visits as “vacations”.
I feel like I am letting my partner down, and that I should be able to be more adult about these visits and just “suck it up” but after years of attempting that, to no avail, I need some help. My spouse is thinking that in the future I should just stay home for these visits, and that he and our daughter will go on their own, but that doesn't feel like the best solution, either -- I do love his family and want them to like me, too. Are there “mini-happy-pills” I can take that will make me happy for these visits? For seasoned travelers, or seasoned inlaw/family-visitors, are there things you swear by to keep your sanity?
My husband and I have been together for over 10 years, and although initially making these visits was exciting, as well as a bit draining, I am now concerned they will just be exhausting, and I want to change that. After a few years of visiting, I have identified two main reasons for why these trips can be so tough: jetlag and its effects, and my tendency to be an introvert in what feels like a very extroverted scenario.
The jetlag is a killer – it would be bad enough if I was just tired all the time, but it then also has the added effect of making me incredibly moody and irritable, sometimes irrationally so. The problem, of course, is that at the time it feels very truly rational and I only regain perspective after I am back home and adjusted back to “normal” again. If I was on a deserted island and suffering from jet lag, that would be one thing – I could be as pissy and irrational as I wanted – but of course I am not, and instead visiting relatives and friends and having to be “on”, while also looking after our preschooler (who is only slightly better at adjusting than I am). I feel badly that I never really get to know my partner's family or friends as my true self -- it is always the whacked out jet-lagged version of myself, which isn't my best persona.
I tend to require a significant amount of downtime, in general, after being around large groups of people (my partner has a large family) particularly if I find them to be judgmental or if we don’t have much in common. Sometimes I am able to carve out some down time for myself, and have benefitted from going on day trips either alone or with our nuclear family, but I tend to feel a bit guilty about this, and worry that my inlaws might interpret this as me not wanting to visit with them, since that is largely why we are taking these trips, after all. Other times, I am not able to carve out much alone time, as in our race to visit with all of the friends and family, we are cramming in the visits and driving for hours to make sure we see everyone.
I often feel I am just along for the ride, that this is two weeks purely dedicated to my partner, and I suppose that is how it is supposed to be, but it can feel rather isolating and lonely, on top of everything else. My partner thinks I should be relaxed and completely comfortable -- this is a "holiday" for me, too -- but although I generally get along with and love his family, I definitely do not see these visits as “vacations”.
I feel like I am letting my partner down, and that I should be able to be more adult about these visits and just “suck it up” but after years of attempting that, to no avail, I need some help. My spouse is thinking that in the future I should just stay home for these visits, and that he and our daughter will go on their own, but that doesn't feel like the best solution, either -- I do love his family and want them to like me, too. Are there “mini-happy-pills” I can take that will make me happy for these visits? For seasoned travelers, or seasoned inlaw/family-visitors, are there things you swear by to keep your sanity?
Best answer: How much have you looked into the regular suggested strategies for jetlag? eg, changing your sleeping habits at least a little bit before the trip, eating at the right times, avoiding heavy meals and alcohol before your trip, taking melatonin, getting sunlight exposure, etc?
In addition to those suggestions (which in my experience do work to a certain extent, but they don't eliminate jet lag completely), I would suggest treating it like any other stressor. A bit of mindful meditation and deep breathing, perhaps some B-vitamin supplements? Can you remind yourself in the moment that sometimes this trip feels isolating and lonely, but you have felt isolated and lonely in the past and it's a temporary feeling associated with jet lag and family travel? I sort of think if you can float away from your feelings a bit and take an observer stance ("oh look, I feel frustrated and overwhelmed"), you might have a better scenario with your partner than fighting, which may help to reduce the added high anxiety and feelings of not being on the same team that come from fighting. Maybe also alleviate yourself from the need to be "on" with your partner's relatives - you might need to be "there" but you might not need to be "all there."
posted by vunder at 12:16 PM on June 17, 2015
In addition to those suggestions (which in my experience do work to a certain extent, but they don't eliminate jet lag completely), I would suggest treating it like any other stressor. A bit of mindful meditation and deep breathing, perhaps some B-vitamin supplements? Can you remind yourself in the moment that sometimes this trip feels isolating and lonely, but you have felt isolated and lonely in the past and it's a temporary feeling associated with jet lag and family travel? I sort of think if you can float away from your feelings a bit and take an observer stance ("oh look, I feel frustrated and overwhelmed"), you might have a better scenario with your partner than fighting, which may help to reduce the added high anxiety and feelings of not being on the same team that come from fighting. Maybe also alleviate yourself from the need to be "on" with your partner's relatives - you might need to be "there" but you might not need to be "all there."
posted by vunder at 12:16 PM on June 17, 2015
Best answer: things you swear by to keep your sanity
1. Don't go every year.
2. Take other vacations with your husband, because he's your family.
3. Let the in-laws come to you.
posted by sageleaf at 12:18 PM on June 17, 2015 [7 favorites]
1. Don't go every year.
2. Take other vacations with your husband, because he's your family.
3. Let the in-laws come to you.
posted by sageleaf at 12:18 PM on June 17, 2015 [7 favorites]
Best answer: Jetlagrooster is a web app that will build you out a schedule (choose at least 3 days in advance, maybe 5-7 if that is an easier adjustment slope) with instructions based on the best known practices for sleep, sunlight exposure, and melatonin timing to reduce jet lag.
You may want to combine that with fasting until you arrive at your destination.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:21 PM on June 17, 2015 [4 favorites]
You may want to combine that with fasting until you arrive at your destination.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:21 PM on June 17, 2015 [4 favorites]
My trick is to stay awake until it is time to go to sleep at my destination, and then crash. This doesn't eliminate jet lag, but it helps. I also find that jet lag is worse after traveling east than traveling west.
Give yourself a day off at the beginning of the trip to acclimate. Maybe two. Don't stay with the family, don't see the family.
Schedule stuff you want to do for yourself.
posted by adamrice at 12:25 PM on June 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
Give yourself a day off at the beginning of the trip to acclimate. Maybe two. Don't stay with the family, don't see the family.
Schedule stuff you want to do for yourself.
posted by adamrice at 12:25 PM on June 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
There's loads of great information on how to collect and use air miles for a better class of travel, and I find that's one of the best ways to ease jet lag.
When we don't have a lot of time but a lot of people to see, we arrange to have a private room or section of a pub/restaurant set aside for us to receive guests. We tell everyone when we'll be there (generally around brunch or happy hour) and let them make the decision about whether or not to meet up.
If you can, don't stay with family or friends.
posted by evoque at 12:26 PM on June 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
When we don't have a lot of time but a lot of people to see, we arrange to have a private room or section of a pub/restaurant set aside for us to receive guests. We tell everyone when we'll be there (generally around brunch or happy hour) and let them make the decision about whether or not to meet up.
If you can, don't stay with family or friends.
posted by evoque at 12:26 PM on June 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
One idea would be to think about some type of rotation that cuts down on you doing the travelling every single year. Something like:
Year 1: You + Partner + Kid travel to other country
Year 2: Partner + Kid travel; you stay home
Year 3: Inlaws come to visit you
...and repeat. Maybe it would help to know it's a 1-in-3 year problem rather than an every single year problem?
Another thing I sometimes find helpful when I know I'm going into a stressful situation like this is to plan out ahead common/predicted scenarios and think through (sometimes in ridiculous detail) how I want to react. Sort of like training my brain how I want it to react when I'm in a calmer state of mind.
Just as an example, I recently got married, and while I LOVE my family, they definitely know how to push my buttons (and I theirs) and it was going to be a lot of togetherness pre-wedding. So I sort of tried to think through what was likely to send me into a stress/rage-y cycle, and decide ahead how I wanted to react.
Example: My sister is never reliable about when she will arrive from her drive from her home to my parents (about 4 hours away). It often results in me feeling like she doesn't care to make the trip to see me and/or annoyed that she cannot be more responsible and just leave when she needs to leave, etc. etc. I decided ahead of time that I wasn't going to assign her any "do ahead" tasks that were absolutely necessary, and if she rolled into town late, I was just going to take a deep breath and let it go. I thought through the scenario, and the emotions, and worked on letting it go when I wasn't "in the moment." And (surprise surprise) when she arrived an ENTIRE DAY later than she was supposed to, about 4 hours before the rehearsal, I just reminded myself of my plan and let it go. And it was fine, and way less stressful than my usual response.
So, in your case, you mentioned that you and your partner tend to get in fights every time you visit. Think about what you tend to fight about, and decide ahead of time how you want your "rational" self to respond, and practice that mentally before you get there. Don't know if this would work for you, but it definitely works for me!
posted by rainbowbrite at 12:29 PM on June 17, 2015 [3 favorites]
Year 1: You + Partner + Kid travel to other country
Year 2: Partner + Kid travel; you stay home
Year 3: Inlaws come to visit you
...and repeat. Maybe it would help to know it's a 1-in-3 year problem rather than an every single year problem?
Another thing I sometimes find helpful when I know I'm going into a stressful situation like this is to plan out ahead common/predicted scenarios and think through (sometimes in ridiculous detail) how I want to react. Sort of like training my brain how I want it to react when I'm in a calmer state of mind.
Just as an example, I recently got married, and while I LOVE my family, they definitely know how to push my buttons (and I theirs) and it was going to be a lot of togetherness pre-wedding. So I sort of tried to think through what was likely to send me into a stress/rage-y cycle, and decide ahead how I wanted to react.
Example: My sister is never reliable about when she will arrive from her drive from her home to my parents (about 4 hours away). It often results in me feeling like she doesn't care to make the trip to see me and/or annoyed that she cannot be more responsible and just leave when she needs to leave, etc. etc. I decided ahead of time that I wasn't going to assign her any "do ahead" tasks that were absolutely necessary, and if she rolled into town late, I was just going to take a deep breath and let it go. I thought through the scenario, and the emotions, and worked on letting it go when I wasn't "in the moment." And (surprise surprise) when she arrived an ENTIRE DAY later than she was supposed to, about 4 hours before the rehearsal, I just reminded myself of my plan and let it go. And it was fine, and way less stressful than my usual response.
So, in your case, you mentioned that you and your partner tend to get in fights every time you visit. Think about what you tend to fight about, and decide ahead of time how you want your "rational" self to respond, and practice that mentally before you get there. Don't know if this would work for you, but it definitely works for me!
posted by rainbowbrite at 12:29 PM on June 17, 2015 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Here's my take as someone that hangs out in culturally intense countries - you're in a situation where lots of other adults are caring for/doting on your child. That alone is a nice break, even if all the other stuff is really tough for you. Roll with it, know that you're doing a favor for your partner, and relax a bit.
posted by k8t at 12:46 PM on June 17, 2015
posted by k8t at 12:46 PM on June 17, 2015
Best answer: Does your partner experience less jet lag than you? If so, he should be taking (more) care of your child on the flights, and for the first day or two of the trip, so you can rest. If you are exhausted partly because you are primarily caring for a bored toddler on the flight, and then an irritable jet lagged toddler after the flight, he needs to step up.
posted by nakedmolerats at 12:49 PM on June 17, 2015 [16 favorites]
posted by nakedmolerats at 12:49 PM on June 17, 2015 [16 favorites]
Best answer: I'd try cutting down the frequency of the trips, but extend their length. Rather than going for two weeks each year, go for three or four weeks every 18 months or four to six weeks every couple of years. Block out a few days at the start of the trip for you, your partner and your child to stay somewhere alone together to adjust to the jet lag. Hopefully in a way that feels like a holiday, because I don't think that visiting your partner's family is really much of a holiday for you.
In terms of jetlag: When you're flying to your destination, time your sleep so that you most likely be able to sleep at normal bedtime at your destination. I've usually arrived in the morning or afternoon when flying between Frankfurt and Melbourne (in either direction) and try to make sure that I don't sleep in the last few hours of the flight. Then I just have to power through an afternoon and evening until an acceptable bedtime and I'll be so exhausted that I'll have no choice but to sleep. If you are arrive closer to evening or nighttime, you might need to avoid sleeping at all on the flight. It's unpleasant for the first day or so, but it helps me adjust much more quickly.
N-thing suggestions to get family to come to you and not to stay with people if possible. Having your own space to retreat to is important. I have a large, chaotic family. I know what it's like and I feel you.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 1:41 PM on June 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
In terms of jetlag: When you're flying to your destination, time your sleep so that you most likely be able to sleep at normal bedtime at your destination. I've usually arrived in the morning or afternoon when flying between Frankfurt and Melbourne (in either direction) and try to make sure that I don't sleep in the last few hours of the flight. Then I just have to power through an afternoon and evening until an acceptable bedtime and I'll be so exhausted that I'll have no choice but to sleep. If you are arrive closer to evening or nighttime, you might need to avoid sleeping at all on the flight. It's unpleasant for the first day or so, but it helps me adjust much more quickly.
N-thing suggestions to get family to come to you and not to stay with people if possible. Having your own space to retreat to is important. I have a large, chaotic family. I know what it's like and I feel you.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 1:41 PM on June 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: My in-laws are in another time zone but not so far as to create jet lag. However, there are issues where I don't love the visits much (cigarette smoke and big, poorly-trained dogs). Here are some strategies that we have used to make the visits more pleasant:
1) we don't drive around to see each person individually. We go to one location (usually his mom's house), let everyone know when we will be there, and those who want to see us can come see us.
2) when possible, get a hotel instead of staying with family; built-in private space for when you get overwhelmed.
3) Arrange joint excursions (a shopping trip, a dinner, a movie, a trip to the museum) instead of just sitting around at someone's house.
Also, try to build in some cushion in the itinerary for resting up from travel on both ends. And it isn't the end of the world if you don't go every single time.
What has also been important is that my spouse a) acknowledges the things about visiting his family that make the visits unpleasant for me b) advocates for me to his family ("because we have asked you not to smoke in the house while we are there, and yet [sister] and [stepdad] still smoke in the house, we will be staying at a hotel") c) does not pitch a fit or try to make it my fault.
Good luck!
posted by oblique red at 1:41 PM on June 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
1) we don't drive around to see each person individually. We go to one location (usually his mom's house), let everyone know when we will be there, and those who want to see us can come see us.
2) when possible, get a hotel instead of staying with family; built-in private space for when you get overwhelmed.
3) Arrange joint excursions (a shopping trip, a dinner, a movie, a trip to the museum) instead of just sitting around at someone's house.
Also, try to build in some cushion in the itinerary for resting up from travel on both ends. And it isn't the end of the world if you don't go every single time.
What has also been important is that my spouse a) acknowledges the things about visiting his family that make the visits unpleasant for me b) advocates for me to his family ("because we have asked you not to smoke in the house while we are there, and yet [sister] and [stepdad] still smoke in the house, we will be staying at a hotel") c) does not pitch a fit or try to make it my fault.
Good luck!
posted by oblique red at 1:41 PM on June 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Would your husband agree to making it more of a real holiday for you? If the visit is two weeks, can you go to a resort or something like that for one of the weeks and have whichever friends/family members who want to join also arrange a vacation at the resort then? That way you have access to your own space (room), possibly a spa, swimming or whatever other nice activities that will let you have more of a vacation feeling about the time spent. He can easily do all the visiting he wants (with or without you) and everyone will be relaxed as they won't be cooking all day or whatever in preparation for your visit.
Your husband expecting you to feel like it's a holiday to cram in visits, some of which require driving for hours, with a jet-lagged toddler, for 2 weeks straight with people who you feel like you need to be on your best behavior for is a bit of a dream on his part. Plus, taking off two weeks every year for this is a big sacrifice for you. That's the entire annual vacation time many people get. It's not unreasonable for you to want to have at least part of that time feel like a real vacation and not just endless visits.
If that's not possible, it wouldn't be unreasonable for you to take a year off every other year. Go visit your friends and family then. Go recharge. It's fine.
posted by quince at 1:44 PM on June 17, 2015 [4 favorites]
Your husband expecting you to feel like it's a holiday to cram in visits, some of which require driving for hours, with a jet-lagged toddler, for 2 weeks straight with people who you feel like you need to be on your best behavior for is a bit of a dream on his part. Plus, taking off two weeks every year for this is a big sacrifice for you. That's the entire annual vacation time many people get. It's not unreasonable for you to want to have at least part of that time feel like a real vacation and not just endless visits.
If that's not possible, it wouldn't be unreasonable for you to take a year off every other year. Go visit your friends and family then. Go recharge. It's fine.
posted by quince at 1:44 PM on June 17, 2015 [4 favorites]
Best answer: It sounds like part of the problem is you're still on your company manners, feeling like you have to be "on" all the time and manage your child perfectly. Can you start treating your in-laws more like you would your parents? (If they wouldn't freak out about it, of course.) By that I mean stuff like rummaging in their pantry for cereal when you're hungry, or letting them take your kid to the park for an hour while you go back to bed. If they're nice people you don't have to constantly be on your best manners to win them over, and it would lead to a much more relaxed vacation.
posted by MsMolly at 2:24 PM on June 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by MsMolly at 2:24 PM on June 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I've dealt with this by building in padding. If not staying with relatives, I text "We've arrived! Going to rest, totally wiped out right now. We have to get things together tomorrow morning but will see you [tomorrow evening, day after, whatever]." If you ARE staying with relatives that's trickier, but you can still say "hey, we are so jet lagged, need to crash and chill out for 24-48 hours, can you dig?" After that it can be 24/7 family time, but most people understand deeply the need for sleep/rest/adjustment. You're traveling a lot to see them, they will probably be a little accomodating when you say "yeaaa we're on a last frayed travel-induced nerve right now."
Ms.Molly's suggestions, too. People often get caught up in the idea that they have to be on and likeable all the time, but this is family, it would be impossible for your partner to see them all the time if he acted like he had to be on his best behavior. Let it all hang out a bit. Let yourself but a little quiet and subdued when you feel tired. Say yes / no as needed. As above, let them hang out with the kid while you recover, or feel free to ask for food, rest, whatever. Go with the flow-- I think they'll appreciate that you feel relaxed and laid back and actually enjoy visiting (better for them this way than if you felt uncomfortable and the family visited less). You don't have to try to be likeable, just be your regular self but a bit more kind and complimentary than if you were at home eating cereal in your underwear.
posted by easter queen at 2:47 PM on June 17, 2015
Ms.Molly's suggestions, too. People often get caught up in the idea that they have to be on and likeable all the time, but this is family, it would be impossible for your partner to see them all the time if he acted like he had to be on his best behavior. Let it all hang out a bit. Let yourself but a little quiet and subdued when you feel tired. Say yes / no as needed. As above, let them hang out with the kid while you recover, or feel free to ask for food, rest, whatever. Go with the flow-- I think they'll appreciate that you feel relaxed and laid back and actually enjoy visiting (better for them this way than if you felt uncomfortable and the family visited less). You don't have to try to be likeable, just be your regular self but a bit more kind and complimentary than if you were at home eating cereal in your underwear.
posted by easter queen at 2:47 PM on June 17, 2015
Would your husband agree to making it more of a real holiday for you? If the visit is two weeks, can you go to a resort or something like that for one of the weeks and have whichever friends/family members who want to join also arrange a vacation at the resort then?
This is brilliant, too!
posted by easter queen at 2:48 PM on June 17, 2015
This is brilliant, too!
posted by easter queen at 2:48 PM on June 17, 2015
For jetlag I've found the Argonne diet really does make a substantial difference in how my body reacts. It's not very simple, but I've had many-hour clock changes with no adverse impact, while making the same trip without following the diet steps leaves me shattered.
It might be similar to Jetlagrooster mentioned by Lyn Never above.
quince's idea of making your visit an actual holiday for you is great.
posted by anadem at 3:17 PM on June 17, 2015 [5 favorites]
It might be similar to Jetlagrooster mentioned by Lyn Never above.
quince's idea of making your visit an actual holiday for you is great.
posted by anadem at 3:17 PM on June 17, 2015 [5 favorites]
Some thoughts:
1) Don't feel guilty about your day trips alone. They sound like a great idea. Could you schedule a night in a hotel mid visit? Either alone or you and your preschooler if you wouldn't want to leave her with her dad. When I schedule trips that involve lots of travelling between places to see different people I pad them out with nights on my own or even a few days on my own. People don't notice, I just say that I'll be in X city between B-D dates and would love to see them; and another gorup of friends might get G-J dates and so on, no one really notices that I kept night E for myself some place in between. If nights away are too hard then definitely schedule your day trips and enjoy them guilt free.
2) I used to be on team 'stay up til it's bedtime' after arrival. With most international flights to my city landing early morning that meant adding another 12 hours of sleeplessness to my fatigue. Now I get home around 8am and take a nap as long as I want. Because I'll usually have been awake over 24 hours at that point, I need sleep more than anything and it doesn't wreck my sleeping later. That said, flights that arrive late afternoon/early evening are even better.
3) The driving to see people is bullshit. Unless you want to see those locations everyone needs to come see you. Meeting up at a resort would be lovely but if that's not affordable they can at least come visit wherever you make your home base. Announce "we'll be staying with X at Y location for two weeks, hope you can visit!". If anyone says "come visit us in 'far away place'" then you use the askmefi classic "I'm afraid that won't be possible".
You are as important as anyone else, you shouldn't have to suck this up.
posted by kitten magic at 5:04 PM on June 17, 2015 [3 favorites]
1) Don't feel guilty about your day trips alone. They sound like a great idea. Could you schedule a night in a hotel mid visit? Either alone or you and your preschooler if you wouldn't want to leave her with her dad. When I schedule trips that involve lots of travelling between places to see different people I pad them out with nights on my own or even a few days on my own. People don't notice, I just say that I'll be in X city between B-D dates and would love to see them; and another gorup of friends might get G-J dates and so on, no one really notices that I kept night E for myself some place in between. If nights away are too hard then definitely schedule your day trips and enjoy them guilt free.
2) I used to be on team 'stay up til it's bedtime' after arrival. With most international flights to my city landing early morning that meant adding another 12 hours of sleeplessness to my fatigue. Now I get home around 8am and take a nap as long as I want. Because I'll usually have been awake over 24 hours at that point, I need sleep more than anything and it doesn't wreck my sleeping later. That said, flights that arrive late afternoon/early evening are even better.
3) The driving to see people is bullshit. Unless you want to see those locations everyone needs to come see you. Meeting up at a resort would be lovely but if that's not affordable they can at least come visit wherever you make your home base. Announce "we'll be staying with X at Y location for two weeks, hope you can visit!". If anyone says "come visit us in 'far away place'" then you use the askmefi classic "I'm afraid that won't be possible".
You are as important as anyone else, you shouldn't have to suck this up.
posted by kitten magic at 5:04 PM on June 17, 2015 [3 favorites]
Are you staying at a hotel or their house? Stay at a hotel.
posted by Jacqueline at 5:38 PM on June 17, 2015
posted by Jacqueline at 5:38 PM on June 17, 2015
when I travel overseas with my children to visit my family, I go first with the kids and do the intensive family-visiting stuff first. My husband comes a week later, and that's when we leave the kids with grandma and travel around and have our vacation, with a family dinner or two so he can see everyone but not be overwhelmed. Visiting with my cousins is important to me and to my kids but seeing his foreign in-laws not how he needs to spend all of his vacation time. Could you and your husband figure out something like this?
I also agree that if you've traveled internationally, you should NOT have to drive around and visit folks in the destination country. Host a brunch at one of the relatives' house; if you don't have a venue, find a restaurant who will let you host a gathering for a couple hours.
posted by fingersandtoes at 5:42 PM on June 17, 2015 [5 favorites]
I also agree that if you've traveled internationally, you should NOT have to drive around and visit folks in the destination country. Host a brunch at one of the relatives' house; if you don't have a venue, find a restaurant who will let you host a gathering for a couple hours.
posted by fingersandtoes at 5:42 PM on June 17, 2015 [5 favorites]
Honesty is the best policy. You go on the trip, but don't have to do all the family events every day. Sleep! Relax! Chill! Just make the big and important events. Discuss with your partner what is most important for you to attend. If family questions your attendance, it's your husband's job to say politely, "wife suffers terribly from jet lag and needs to rest this afternoon." No harm, no foul.
posted by shazzam! at 8:11 PM on June 17, 2015
posted by shazzam! at 8:11 PM on June 17, 2015
While you accompany your husband to his home country, you can take the first days to rest and relax, then visit only the relatives you actually like, then take a trip together to visit / discover the country. In other words, use this trip as a real vacation that you’d look forward to rather than a chore that you dread.
Something that works well too is that the most gregarious family member could host a party in your honour where the entire family is present, so you see them all at once, then leave you alone to do your thing.
Finally, you can decide to travel every other year and give yourself and your husband some space to do your own thing while you’re apart.
What fingersandtoes said above is spot on.
posted by Kwadeng at 11:11 PM on June 17, 2015
Something that works well too is that the most gregarious family member could host a party in your honour where the entire family is present, so you see them all at once, then leave you alone to do your thing.
Finally, you can decide to travel every other year and give yourself and your husband some space to do your own thing while you’re apart.
What fingersandtoes said above is spot on.
posted by Kwadeng at 11:11 PM on June 17, 2015
when I travel overseas with my children to visit my family, I go first with the kids and do the intensive family-visiting stuff first. My husband comes a week later, and that's when we leave the kids with grandma and travel around and have our vacation, with a family dinner or two so he can see everyone but not be overwhelmed.
YES, this is exactly the same arrangement that I have with my husband. I understand that it may not be feasible for you right now because you have a pre-schooler who may be way more attached to you than to him, but definitely keep it in mind for the future when your kid is OK spending a week away from you.
posted by lollymccatburglar at 6:27 AM on June 18, 2015 [1 favorite]
YES, this is exactly the same arrangement that I have with my husband. I understand that it may not be feasible for you right now because you have a pre-schooler who may be way more attached to you than to him, but definitely keep it in mind for the future when your kid is OK spending a week away from you.
posted by lollymccatburglar at 6:27 AM on June 18, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: To address the "over-crammed visits" aspect rather than the "jet lag" aspect, me and my husband's vacation experience improved tremendously after we adopted the Rule of Threes:
1. The maximum number of "things" that can be done in one day is three. That includes sights to be seen, people to visit, activities to participate in. "Taking care of a child" counts as one thing right off the bat. Traveling for more than X amount of time might also.
2. Every three hours, a little break is required. When we're out sightseeing, that might mean a quick stop for a coffee; when visiting family, it might mean half an hour or so of quiet reading time.
3. After three days of being "on" and doing things, a day of rest is required -- something with nothing scheduled or planned.
My husband initially chafed at these rules because he is a glutton for new experiences, but even he admits that vacations are a lot more pleasant now.
posted by KathrynT at 10:53 AM on June 18, 2015 [6 favorites]
1. The maximum number of "things" that can be done in one day is three. That includes sights to be seen, people to visit, activities to participate in. "Taking care of a child" counts as one thing right off the bat. Traveling for more than X amount of time might also.
2. Every three hours, a little break is required. When we're out sightseeing, that might mean a quick stop for a coffee; when visiting family, it might mean half an hour or so of quiet reading time.
3. After three days of being "on" and doing things, a day of rest is required -- something with nothing scheduled or planned.
My husband initially chafed at these rules because he is a glutton for new experiences, but even he admits that vacations are a lot more pleasant now.
posted by KathrynT at 10:53 AM on June 18, 2015 [6 favorites]
I'm from England but have lived in the US since 2009. I do not go home to see my family every year. I'm extremely close with them (I used to see my parents at least once a week) and I miss them terribly. But once a year is too much. It means I never get to go on other vacations. When I am there, it's not a vacation, all my time is spent catching up with family and friends.
It is unreasonable to expect you to go there every year. I find it tiring and I don't have a child I'm taking along.
If you're going all the way there, his family need to make more effort to come to you. You shouldn't be driving for hours to get to people for visits. And his family should be coming to see you. If they want to see you every year they should perhaps makes trips every other year.
posted by shesbenevolent at 1:25 PM on June 18, 2015 [2 favorites]
It is unreasonable to expect you to go there every year. I find it tiring and I don't have a child I'm taking along.
If you're going all the way there, his family need to make more effort to come to you. You shouldn't be driving for hours to get to people for visits. And his family should be coming to see you. If they want to see you every year they should perhaps makes trips every other year.
posted by shesbenevolent at 1:25 PM on June 18, 2015 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Two weeks is a long time, too; I'd maybe discuss changing the family part of the trip to one week, and using the extra time as a real vacation elsewhere in the region that you might want to visit.
posted by something something at 12:12 PM on June 17, 2015 [13 favorites]