How to deal with a passive aggressive co-worker who thinks she's my boss

June 16, 2015 6:11 PM

Asking for a friend: I'm one of two assistant directors. When the director is away, my colleague acts like she's the boss. How can I address this professionally?

My coworker and I are both assistant directors at a childcare center (we have responsibility for managing different aspects of the center). I was hired about 3 months before my coworker. For the past few months, our director has been away for a few days at a time on business. While she is away, I've encountered some frustrating behavior from my coworker. She essentially tries to position herself as the person in charge, even though neither of us has seniority over the other. Some of her behaviors include:

*Working in our director's office when the director is away because "her desk is too small." We both have workspace at the front of the center.

*She attempts to control parts of my job (and usually messes that up) and also attempts to take sole responsibility for dividing up how tasks are split between us when the director is gone. I have done my best to keep my work to myself because I don't want to be responsible for anything she may mess up.

*She interrupts my conversations with parents or when I'm giving instructions to staff members to inform me that she made a decision about that already and to do what she decided instead.

*Even in her critiques when coaching staff members she will say "as director" by mistake. She'll also try to "coach" me about how I should do my job.

*She gets easily upset when I try to discuss the differences we have


I am trying to approach these problems in a way that keeps the environment professional and positive, but it is difficult.

A lot of this behavior is passive aggressive, and I'm nervous that anything I do to address it constructively will only escalate the issue. At the same time, I can't ignore her behavior because it's coming at the expense of my authority on the job.

I know I will need to talk to my boss about this but I don't know how to explain it without making it look like I can't get along with coworkers. What are some ways I can bring this up with my boss?

posted by helloimjohnnycash to Human Relations (8 answers total)

If you're definitely sure that the boss didn't authorize her to do that stuff in her absence, the way you frame this to boss is with the veneer of confusion and genuine desire to get some clarity. Potential sample script:

"Jane, when you're out of the office, I'm never sure what we're supposed to do and I'm confused. Usually Polly sits at your desk and takes on your responsibilities of decision-making, giving me direction in front of parents or the staff I manage about aspects of my job that I normally handle on my own without any help. When she does this, should I listen to her as though she were you?"

If it's framed as genuine confusion with the underlying assumption that the boss told her to do those things, the boss will be horrified - because she never authorized Polly to do those things in her absence. The boss is likely to say something like, "No, of course not. You just need to do your job. I'll go have a talk with Polly" or something like that. You can then point out, "I'm sure she was just doing what she thought was the right thing to do, and I don't want her to get into trouble. Maybe this is a good opportunity for us to come up with a policy and a plan for what happens when you're out of the office."

Then you look like a team player. Bam.
posted by juniperesque at 6:20 PM on June 16, 2015 [59 favorites]

Totally what juniperesque said. I had a colleague who did something similar and I just asked my boss to clarify my priorities because "Amy" had given me tasks to do and I didn't have time to do both. He was confused, I gave him some examples, and he was p-i-s-s-e-d. Never happened again.
posted by tealcake at 6:25 PM on June 16, 2015 [9 favorites]

I have to disagree with the above script because it isn't direct or professional.

I actually think your bullet points are very clear, and if accurate, you should present them straight to your director.

Instead of going the back-way-around of asking *Polly acts like she is my boss, is she?* thereby opening the door for Polly to become the acting boss when the Director is out of town (Hey! Good Idea, OP!!) just be straight...

"On the rare occasion you are out of town, here's what I experience (list bullet points.) It's import for school morale that we present as a team, and misidentifying one's self as the Director makes the whole team look unprofessional and creates confusion among the parents and the rest of the staff. In fact, XYZ (list negative outcomes) has resulted from this confusion already. Thank you for your consideration on this matter."

Bottom line: Polly is sneaky and passive aggressive. You do the opposite by being direct, professional, and succinct. Keep doing a great job. Make your boss do their job by delegating and being in charge. Good luck.
posted by jbenben at 6:50 PM on June 16, 2015 [19 favorites]

If you can, just... don't agree with her version of reality. Look at her funny when she's correcting you. Tell parents or staff, "No, that's not the correct information." Ignore her weird attempts to establish dominance. I have a similar co-worker (though I actually do have a higher job title, but she's got way more seniority), and the most effective intervention has just been treating her like a confusingly-acting-out child. Let her do her thing, then correct it authoritatively; ignore any provocations that won't create issues.
posted by jaguar at 7:20 PM on June 16, 2015 [2 favorites]

I have had to use "You are not my boss, you are my co-worker" a couple of times at various jobs. This other person is angling for authority over you. It's up to you if she gets it.
posted by themanwho at 7:29 PM on June 16, 2015 [5 favorites]

Tell your boss that your colleague is misrepresenting herself as the director of the centre to parents and other staff members. Even if your boss doesn't care about this person pretending to be your superior, she will definitely care about the fact your co worker is pretending to be hers! Not only is she angling to take your job, she's angling to take your boss's! If she is giving out advice or information under the guise of being a director (who presumably is higher qualified and licensed) there may be legal ramifications to this too.
posted by Jubey at 8:16 PM on June 16, 2015 [9 favorites]

Sounds like she attended a seminar on positive thinking and this is the sorry result. *Or* (and watch out here) there is a passive aggressive manager in play who has placated her desire for promotion by saying "you're in charge when I'm gone!" (possibly/likely not intending her to take that literally).

If the relationship with the manager is good, I would ask directly "in your absence, have you delegated anyone to act on your behalf?" If the answer is no, then the next time Molly tries to assert control, I would calmly say "Sorry, Molly, but I prefer to work this way. If you are not comfortable with that, perhaps we can discuss it with Betty when she returns." or "Molly, please don't contradict me in front of parents. It casts a bad light on the whole organisation. If you have questions about my competence, can we discuss this together with Betty when she returns?" Rinse. Repeat.

If the manager side-steps ("you're all senior people and I want you to work together!") or says "well, Molly is quite senior here and we can all learn some wisdom from time to time" then your friend is being undermined by the manager and Molly is not the problem, and she will have to deal with the root cause.
posted by frumiousb at 8:27 PM on June 16, 2015 [1 favorite]

If I were the manager, and somebody was using my office without my authorization while I was away, and representing themselves as having my job, I'd want to know. Just ask your manager if anyone has been delegated to act for her, and if not, tell her the effect Polly's behaviour is having on the organization's ability to deal with clients and other staff.
posted by rpfields at 1:47 PM on June 17, 2015