How to deal with information about a sex offender
June 12, 2015 3:20 PM Subscribe
I just found out my 18 y/o nephew is living with a registered sex offender, who is also his friend and boss. I don't believe my nephew knows this, nor do any of his family members. I do not know if my nephew has been abused. I am not certain how to proceed with this information.
My nephew lives in another state. Over a year ago, his mom and stepdad split, and he lived with the stepdad for a while until they had some sort of estrangement. My nephew does not have the best relationship with his mother either. At that point, he moved in with his boss, who is in his late 50s and for whom he had been doing handyman-type work for a while. One of my nephew's good friends (also now 18) lives with the boss b/c of this friend's own chaotic home life. My parents and I thought this whole thing was odd, but did not have much information about the situation at the time, and my nephew's mother seemed okay with it.
Communication with my nephew is sporadic. This last week, however, the boss paid to fly down himself, my nephew, and his friend to visit my nephew's grandparents and dad (my parents and brother). I met him and he seemed likable enough and we were all very grateful that my nephew had landed in a stable situation and was learning a trade. The boss has apparently helped my nephew out by, for example, planning to pay for a minor surgery and making sure he graduated high school.
After the visit, the situation still struck my mother and I as odd, and she asked me to do a little research. It turns out the boss is a registered sex offender. He was convicted 15 years ago for "indecent liberties with child" and "lewd fondling/touching" with three boys, ages 8 and 9, and sentenced to jail time.
I have not told my parents this information yet, but plan to do so today and then tell my nephew's parents.
But I'd like some advice on how to proceed in general. What's the best way to ask someone if they've been abused? If there has been no abuse, what sort of reaction can we expect from my nephew, who appears to really respect his boss?
As far as I can tell from looking at state statues (Kansas), there are no rules in this state governing where a sex offender can live, work, or who he can associate with, so I don't know if he's broken any laws. Should someone nevertheless call the sheriff since he had underage boys living with him at one time?
I feel like my responsibility is to protect my nephew and his friend, and yet feel like I have incomplete information. I am completely out of my depth here and any and all advice on how to advise my parents, ex-sister-in-law, and brother to proceed is appreciated.
My nephew lives in another state. Over a year ago, his mom and stepdad split, and he lived with the stepdad for a while until they had some sort of estrangement. My nephew does not have the best relationship with his mother either. At that point, he moved in with his boss, who is in his late 50s and for whom he had been doing handyman-type work for a while. One of my nephew's good friends (also now 18) lives with the boss b/c of this friend's own chaotic home life. My parents and I thought this whole thing was odd, but did not have much information about the situation at the time, and my nephew's mother seemed okay with it.
Communication with my nephew is sporadic. This last week, however, the boss paid to fly down himself, my nephew, and his friend to visit my nephew's grandparents and dad (my parents and brother). I met him and he seemed likable enough and we were all very grateful that my nephew had landed in a stable situation and was learning a trade. The boss has apparently helped my nephew out by, for example, planning to pay for a minor surgery and making sure he graduated high school.
After the visit, the situation still struck my mother and I as odd, and she asked me to do a little research. It turns out the boss is a registered sex offender. He was convicted 15 years ago for "indecent liberties with child" and "lewd fondling/touching" with three boys, ages 8 and 9, and sentenced to jail time.
I have not told my parents this information yet, but plan to do so today and then tell my nephew's parents.
But I'd like some advice on how to proceed in general. What's the best way to ask someone if they've been abused? If there has been no abuse, what sort of reaction can we expect from my nephew, who appears to really respect his boss?
As far as I can tell from looking at state statues (Kansas), there are no rules in this state governing where a sex offender can live, work, or who he can associate with, so I don't know if he's broken any laws. Should someone nevertheless call the sheriff since he had underage boys living with him at one time?
I feel like my responsibility is to protect my nephew and his friend, and yet feel like I have incomplete information. I am completely out of my depth here and any and all advice on how to advise my parents, ex-sister-in-law, and brother to proceed is appreciated.
Hmm, my first instinct would be to skip talking to the parents. He's an adult now and it doesn't sound like he has a great relationship with his parents. This could create much more strife for him. If he's not already aware of his boss's past, it will be difficult enough to learn about it from you without having his folks involved. I also don't understand why you want to talk to your own parents about this.
To be honest, I'm on the fence about whether to even bring up what you've specifically learned. I would say to him, your boss seems like he's been a good friend to you but I just want to make sure you feel completely safe and not indebted to him. Please know that if you ever feel that you don't have options, you can come to me for help/a couch to sleep on.
It's my belief that people who have paid their dues don't need to have their histories disclosed at all junctures. If it wasn't a case where your nephew had lived with him while technically underage (17 is not 8-9), I would feel strongly about not sharing what you've learned at all. As is, on the fence, as I said.
So, talk to him, yes. Ask him if he feels safe or if anything has happened to him that troubles him. If he doesn't report abuse and denies needing help, I think you've done all that is reasonable to do. Let him know he can contact you if he ever needs help. Don't involve other adults unless he's in crisis. He is an adult now.
posted by namesarehard at 3:40 PM on June 12, 2015 [27 favorites]
To be honest, I'm on the fence about whether to even bring up what you've specifically learned. I would say to him, your boss seems like he's been a good friend to you but I just want to make sure you feel completely safe and not indebted to him. Please know that if you ever feel that you don't have options, you can come to me for help/a couch to sleep on.
It's my belief that people who have paid their dues don't need to have their histories disclosed at all junctures. If it wasn't a case where your nephew had lived with him while technically underage (17 is not 8-9), I would feel strongly about not sharing what you've learned at all. As is, on the fence, as I said.
So, talk to him, yes. Ask him if he feels safe or if anything has happened to him that troubles him. If he doesn't report abuse and denies needing help, I think you've done all that is reasonable to do. Let him know he can contact you if he ever needs help. Don't involve other adults unless he's in crisis. He is an adult now.
posted by namesarehard at 3:40 PM on June 12, 2015 [27 favorites]
if they are both 18 years of age, i'm not sure that there's going to be anything you can do - they're both adults, and according to the law, suitably capable of making their own choices. if your nephew came to you and said he'd been abused and asked you for help, then that would be a different story. and if he's anything like, well, pretty much everyone i know, he's probably googled people he knows, so he may already know of his boss's infraction and discussed it with him.
all you can do is be open to him and help him if he needs it, and if you're willing to do so.
posted by koroshiya at 3:40 PM on June 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
all you can do is be open to him and help him if he needs it, and if you're willing to do so.
posted by koroshiya at 3:40 PM on June 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
Kansas's age of majority is 18 years old. I'd encourage your nephew to know that your door is always open to him, etc. but I wouldn't snoop around about his sex life.
posted by Ideefixe at 3:42 PM on June 12, 2015 [11 favorites]
posted by Ideefixe at 3:42 PM on June 12, 2015 [11 favorites]
Please tell your nephew what you learned about the boss. You don't need to ask your nephew anything directly about what his relationship is with this man but he deserves to know the guy's background.
18 is legally adult in some ways, not in others. Your nephew can't yet drink alcohol for example because society acknowledges that 18 year olds are in many ways not fully adult. Most 18 year olds have parents helping them navigate the transition to independence. This man sounds manipulative, charming, and generous in a way that seems suspicious. Your nephew might very well be so grateful for a parental figure, in the absence of a good relationship with his real parents, that it might be hard for him to see this guy clearly and to distance himself if he should do so.
The vast majority of eighteen year olds have adults to help them reality check their lives. Some creepy people prey on those that don't have this. Please tell your nephew the story of who this guy is; the only story he has otherwise is the story this man tells about himself.
posted by flourpot at 3:54 PM on June 12, 2015 [59 favorites]
18 is legally adult in some ways, not in others. Your nephew can't yet drink alcohol for example because society acknowledges that 18 year olds are in many ways not fully adult. Most 18 year olds have parents helping them navigate the transition to independence. This man sounds manipulative, charming, and generous in a way that seems suspicious. Your nephew might very well be so grateful for a parental figure, in the absence of a good relationship with his real parents, that it might be hard for him to see this guy clearly and to distance himself if he should do so.
The vast majority of eighteen year olds have adults to help them reality check their lives. Some creepy people prey on those that don't have this. Please tell your nephew the story of who this guy is; the only story he has otherwise is the story this man tells about himself.
posted by flourpot at 3:54 PM on June 12, 2015 [59 favorites]
flourpot said what I wanted to say better than I could have said it. Please don't shrug this off just because your nephew is legally an adult.
posted by prize bull octorok at 3:59 PM on June 12, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by prize bull octorok at 3:59 PM on June 12, 2015 [7 favorites]
Exactly what research did you do? Do you have the alleged sex offender's social, or mugshot?
I ask not only because of my own instincts against vigilante justice, but because I have personal experience with this: When i moved to my current apartment I was accused of being a "sex offender." Apparently someone with a similar name to me (but different birthday and different social, and not even the exact same name) had once committed a sex-related crime. I suspect the search company they used was little more than someone equipped with google and the knowledge that the current hysteria over "sex offenders" means easy money. It was easy to clear up when I protested, but their initial search was obviously done in the laziest manner imaginable, and they had zero qualms about accusing a completely innocent person.
So, make sure you have all the facts before you do anything.
posted by drjimmy11 at 4:03 PM on June 12, 2015 [17 favorites]
I ask not only because of my own instincts against vigilante justice, but because I have personal experience with this: When i moved to my current apartment I was accused of being a "sex offender." Apparently someone with a similar name to me (but different birthday and different social, and not even the exact same name) had once committed a sex-related crime. I suspect the search company they used was little more than someone equipped with google and the knowledge that the current hysteria over "sex offenders" means easy money. It was easy to clear up when I protested, but their initial search was obviously done in the laziest manner imaginable, and they had zero qualms about accusing a completely innocent person.
So, make sure you have all the facts before you do anything.
posted by drjimmy11 at 4:03 PM on June 12, 2015 [17 favorites]
If he's an adult, he can be responsible for himself, and finding a sugardaddy to substitute for parents is a workable (if a bit... weird) solution.
And as long as he's not abused, there's nothing to do.
With that said, it is entirely possible to be in someone's full control every minute of life, and yet not feel abused, but felt every bit was "deserved".
As an outsider (albeit, relative), there's little you can do here other than "hi, how are you doing? Are you doing okay with ____? We're a little worried about you and your parents. We're glad you found ____ but you have to admit, it's a little weird. Nothing to worry about? Okay. "
Then maybe you can fly up to visit THEM and see what's up with them. Maybe that guy really did change his ways.
posted by kschang at 4:09 PM on June 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
And as long as he's not abused, there's nothing to do.
With that said, it is entirely possible to be in someone's full control every minute of life, and yet not feel abused, but felt every bit was "deserved".
As an outsider (albeit, relative), there's little you can do here other than "hi, how are you doing? Are you doing okay with ____? We're a little worried about you and your parents. We're glad you found ____ but you have to admit, it's a little weird. Nothing to worry about? Okay. "
Then maybe you can fly up to visit THEM and see what's up with them. Maybe that guy really did change his ways.
posted by kschang at 4:09 PM on June 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
in my nieces and nephews lives i have tried to always be the adult they can come to. this means not relaying information back to their parents unless they are in absolute immediate danger and there is something their parents can do. i would especially not say anything if they were estranged from their parents for any reason. it is more important that your nephew trust you than it is for everyone to know everything.
for now i would work on your 1 on 1 relationship with your nephew - ask questions, listen, be available, try not to give too much advice. once you build that trust you can say something about what you've found and make sure he's safe and that his boss isn't having young kids around. but if you go in now with the full force of the family and demand to know if he's been abused and what you've found out, you're going to push them closer together and make it less likely that he'd trust you in the future.
posted by nadawi at 4:14 PM on June 12, 2015 [8 favorites]
for now i would work on your 1 on 1 relationship with your nephew - ask questions, listen, be available, try not to give too much advice. once you build that trust you can say something about what you've found and make sure he's safe and that his boss isn't having young kids around. but if you go in now with the full force of the family and demand to know if he's been abused and what you've found out, you're going to push them closer together and make it less likely that he'd trust you in the future.
posted by nadawi at 4:14 PM on June 12, 2015 [8 favorites]
Talk to your family about why a stranger is financially and practically taking care of your nephew. That's the first problem here.
I think it's pretty concerning that your nephew is 18 and you all could theoretically just shrug your shoulders because he is officially an adult now. It is highly likely your nephew needs some sort of education and skills to manage adulthood successfully. Maybe you could all get together and find a way to support and help this nephew?
My personal concern is that this living and work situation is not what it seems and your nephew has gone from victim to offender, but I used to watch too much true crime tv. Hypothetically, if your nephew refused to leave this man's home for a better offer from his family, I would probably hire a private investigator to make sure this "handyman" gig was real and/or make sure the living situation did not include drugs, alcohol, etc.. But again, I watched too much true crime television n the past.
Neglected or abused children who come from broken homes are generally at risk from predators, and then they sometimes continue the cycle of abusing minors themselves into their adulthood. I can see why you are worried.
I have no idea what your nephew's situation is today, I doubt he would tell you if you asked. You don't sound close.
In general, yes it is a huge problem he lives with an older man who has a criminal history involving taking advantage of others. Ditto that the man is charming, and good at ingratiating himself. I would worry what your nephew is learning about the world and how it works from this living situation.
I can't really grok how your nephew has been left to fend for himself, essentially. If you can sort out something to help your nephew build a future for himself, please do that. Good luck.
posted by jbenben at 4:16 PM on June 12, 2015 [6 favorites]
I think it's pretty concerning that your nephew is 18 and you all could theoretically just shrug your shoulders because he is officially an adult now. It is highly likely your nephew needs some sort of education and skills to manage adulthood successfully. Maybe you could all get together and find a way to support and help this nephew?
My personal concern is that this living and work situation is not what it seems and your nephew has gone from victim to offender, but I used to watch too much true crime tv. Hypothetically, if your nephew refused to leave this man's home for a better offer from his family, I would probably hire a private investigator to make sure this "handyman" gig was real and/or make sure the living situation did not include drugs, alcohol, etc.. But again, I watched too much true crime television n the past.
Neglected or abused children who come from broken homes are generally at risk from predators, and then they sometimes continue the cycle of abusing minors themselves into their adulthood. I can see why you are worried.
I have no idea what your nephew's situation is today, I doubt he would tell you if you asked. You don't sound close.
In general, yes it is a huge problem he lives with an older man who has a criminal history involving taking advantage of others. Ditto that the man is charming, and good at ingratiating himself. I would worry what your nephew is learning about the world and how it works from this living situation.
I can't really grok how your nephew has been left to fend for himself, essentially. If you can sort out something to help your nephew build a future for himself, please do that. Good luck.
posted by jbenben at 4:16 PM on June 12, 2015 [6 favorites]
for the record - my advice comes from a place of being a survivor of abuse and counseling my siblings' kids through also being survivors. some of the abusers are family members. there are many parts of my family estranged from other parts. just laying everything out and hiring detectives and inserting yourself into his life without a basis of trust will only make you feel like you've done something, it won't make your nephew safer.
posted by nadawi at 4:20 PM on June 12, 2015 [8 favorites]
posted by nadawi at 4:20 PM on June 12, 2015 [8 favorites]
Response by poster: I verified this through the official Kansas sex offender registry. I feel like I need to tell my parents, his grandparents, because they are the ones who asked me to look it up. My nephew's parents are not great parents by a long shot, but surely they should be told about this? I will consider talking to my nephew directly before talking to his parents, however.
posted by SmartWool at 4:25 PM on June 12, 2015
posted by SmartWool at 4:25 PM on June 12, 2015
I feel like I need to tell my parents, his grandparents, because they are the ones who asked me to look it up.
I'm not sure you should put your own needs before your nephew's here.
My nephew's parents are not great parents by a long shot, but surely they should be told about this?
Ask yourself what outcome you expect to come out of that. I can't imagine a constructive one but I'm not you and maybe you can.
I will consider talking to my nephew directly before talking to his parents, however.
If you want to have any kind of relationship with your nephew, you will respect both his legal independence and his emerging autonomy and talk to him first.
posted by DarlingBri at 4:33 PM on June 12, 2015 [42 favorites]
I'm not sure you should put your own needs before your nephew's here.
My nephew's parents are not great parents by a long shot, but surely they should be told about this?
Ask yourself what outcome you expect to come out of that. I can't imagine a constructive one but I'm not you and maybe you can.
I will consider talking to my nephew directly before talking to his parents, however.
If you want to have any kind of relationship with your nephew, you will respect both his legal independence and his emerging autonomy and talk to him first.
posted by DarlingBri at 4:33 PM on June 12, 2015 [42 favorites]
I see - that's a difficult position for you, but it doesn't change a lot in my mind.
Can I ask - did you guys pick up on something during the visit that roused your suspicions, or is it just the unusual nature of the relationship?
The fact that he flew the nephew out and came with him to meet the family suggests he doesn't think there is anything to hide. He's definitely not attempting to isolate your nephew or to hide himself from the people who may influence him.
This doesn't mean you shouldn't make sure your nephew feels ok and knows he always has a safe place to return to. But it does mean you should take a few breaths before rousing a mob with pitchforks.
I would talk to him first indeed, and decide what and how to relay to your worried mother if you feel assured of his safety. I understand that the situation raises eyebrows, but many people DO reform, and I think it's our obligation to allow them a second change when they do.
posted by namesarehard at 4:37 PM on June 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
Can I ask - did you guys pick up on something during the visit that roused your suspicions, or is it just the unusual nature of the relationship?
The fact that he flew the nephew out and came with him to meet the family suggests he doesn't think there is anything to hide. He's definitely not attempting to isolate your nephew or to hide himself from the people who may influence him.
This doesn't mean you shouldn't make sure your nephew feels ok and knows he always has a safe place to return to. But it does mean you should take a few breaths before rousing a mob with pitchforks.
I would talk to him first indeed, and decide what and how to relay to your worried mother if you feel assured of his safety. I understand that the situation raises eyebrows, but many people DO reform, and I think it's our obligation to allow them a second change when they do.
posted by namesarehard at 4:37 PM on June 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
To your family, "I know you wanted me to do some investigation - I looked around online but I don't have access to the guy's social security number or date of birth, so I can't get anything that would be accurate."
To your nephew, "You're an adult, and one living independently from your family, so I do not want to shove my way into your life. That said, I have information that seems to indicate that [name] is a registered sex offender. I know that people can, and do change. I also know that your relationship with him is your business, so I'm not going to intrude or tell anyone else about this. But I want you to know that I'm here for you and your friend if you ever need help or if you need a place to stay. No questions asked."
posted by VioletU at 5:32 PM on June 12, 2015 [41 favorites]
To your nephew, "You're an adult, and one living independently from your family, so I do not want to shove my way into your life. That said, I have information that seems to indicate that [name] is a registered sex offender. I know that people can, and do change. I also know that your relationship with him is your business, so I'm not going to intrude or tell anyone else about this. But I want you to know that I'm here for you and your friend if you ever need help or if you need a place to stay. No questions asked."
posted by VioletU at 5:32 PM on June 12, 2015 [41 favorites]
Your parents asked you to do the research - I think it is fair and reasonable to report back what you found. (They could certainly find out the same thing themselves but I assume they asked you because you are more familiar with this kind of research. If there is any doubt about the guys identify, be sure to convey to your parents as well. Even so, you should think carefully about whether it is helpful for them to know (i would want to know, even if I couldn't do anything about it but that's me) but also thinking about whether them knowing (especially if you decide not to tell the parents) would be good or bad. (see below)
However, I would think very carefully whether it is likely to be helpful for you tell his parents. It will certainly (I hope) make them worry, it will probably cause a rift between them and your nephew's boss. The question is whether it will help them keep their son safe and the answer depends so much on their own capacity to intervene effectively in their son's life and to provide support to help him make good decisions. If the parents are checked out or have an adversarial relationship with their son, telling them is likely to just drive them further apart and not actually help your nephew respond appropriately. Even if the worst is happening and the man is having an exploitive sexual relationship with your nephew, the boy would be getting something out of it (money, affection etc) that would probably make it hard, even for excellent parents, to convince him to leave. It is going to take a delicate response, even more so since there may be nothing going on. I know I would be really ticked off if my SIL didn't tell me something like this but I also think that there are times when not telling is the best choice. You'll have to make your own best guess on this for your family.
posted by metahawk at 6:44 PM on June 12, 2015
However, I would think very carefully whether it is likely to be helpful for you tell his parents. It will certainly (I hope) make them worry, it will probably cause a rift between them and your nephew's boss. The question is whether it will help them keep their son safe and the answer depends so much on their own capacity to intervene effectively in their son's life and to provide support to help him make good decisions. If the parents are checked out or have an adversarial relationship with their son, telling them is likely to just drive them further apart and not actually help your nephew respond appropriately. Even if the worst is happening and the man is having an exploitive sexual relationship with your nephew, the boy would be getting something out of it (money, affection etc) that would probably make it hard, even for excellent parents, to convince him to leave. It is going to take a delicate response, even more so since there may be nothing going on. I know I would be really ticked off if my SIL didn't tell me something like this but I also think that there are times when not telling is the best choice. You'll have to make your own best guess on this for your family.
posted by metahawk at 6:44 PM on June 12, 2015
Response by poster: So I talked to my nephew who says he already knew all about his boss's criminal history, directly from the boss. I don't know if this comforts me or not. My nephew really didn't want to discuss it at all. He says his mother doesn't know and he prefers it that way. This is tough because while he is 18, I don't think I 100% or even 50% trust his judgement on this being a safe situation. He has rough plans to move abroad in a few months so I think fully supporting that is one thing my family can do. I do not know what I will do about talking to my parents, his grandparents -- it feels very wrong to not speak to them about it.
posted by SmartWool at 8:02 PM on June 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by SmartWool at 8:02 PM on June 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
Where is he moving overseas? To do what? Is he going alone? Is he hooking up with contacts through his boss?
It's great that you spoke with your nephew. I'm sure that wasn't easy.
Unless his grandparents are going to pay for him to move/start college or similar/get that operation and other medical care + help this young man develop adult life skills (like discernment and self-confidence) then no, you probably should not tell them what you discovered. Drama would not be helpful.
posted by jbenben at 8:25 PM on June 12, 2015 [3 favorites]
It's great that you spoke with your nephew. I'm sure that wasn't easy.
Unless his grandparents are going to pay for him to move/start college or similar/get that operation and other medical care + help this young man develop adult life skills (like discernment and self-confidence) then no, you probably should not tell them what you discovered. Drama would not be helpful.
posted by jbenben at 8:25 PM on June 12, 2015 [3 favorites]
who says he already knew all about his boss's criminal history, directly from the boss
Good sign that your nephew knows whats going on, better than anyone else other than your nephew's boss.
Offer yours as a place to stay, anytime, no questions asked if he needs someplace to crash. I'd also, if feasible, say something along the lines of, "If you ever need cash for reasons, you can always ask me."
The most efficacious way of helping your nephew may be trying to offer to be a friend and to get to know them firsthand.
posted by porpoise at 8:26 PM on June 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
Good sign that your nephew knows whats going on, better than anyone else other than your nephew's boss.
Offer yours as a place to stay, anytime, no questions asked if he needs someplace to crash. I'd also, if feasible, say something along the lines of, "If you ever need cash for reasons, you can always ask me."
The most efficacious way of helping your nephew may be trying to offer to be a friend and to get to know them firsthand.
posted by porpoise at 8:26 PM on June 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: I will stop thread sitting now, but the rough plan is for both my nephew and this other friend to go to Europe and work on a farm my nephew knows from an earlier exchange trip. The plan after that is the military. We have all already offered cash and logistical assistance during his recent visit, but I will reiterate that. His mom and dad, my brother, struggle with addiction and financial issues, so he is really on his own in many ways.
posted by SmartWool at 8:41 PM on June 12, 2015
posted by SmartWool at 8:41 PM on June 12, 2015
My niece and nephew--slightly older than yours; close enough--have known since they were little kids that no matter what, they could come to me. My sofa is theirs, no question. Things they tell me in confidence stay there. (Modulo either of them being in an actually dangerous situation; they don't need to know about that exception.) And, since they became adults, they also get trust that they are making adult decisions, with the odd reality check.
A couple of reality checks for you:
1) I don't have the statistics, so could be off: someone convicted of sexually assaulting preteens is pretty unlikely to be interested in grown adults. Not impossible of course. Unlikely, though.
2) Many people of various genders seek out sugar daddy/mama relationships, for a wide variety of reasons. Or fall into them. They aren't necessarily abusive relationships to be in; it all depends on exactly how the older person is treating them.
3) Some of the people who seek out such relationships are genuinely only attracted to much older people.
4) It's possible that this is going on with your nephew.
At this point, your best bet is to be there for him 100000%, no questions, no judgement, "whatever you need I will help you as much as I am able." You can also start a conversation along the lines of "Hey, so checking in on you and how you're doing. I'm a little concerned--your living situation is a bit unusual. How do you feel about it?"
Probe and clarify, yes. Don't bring an agenda to the table other than asking for information.
On preview: he's not on his own. He's got you, to whatever extent is practical. Make this clear to him.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 8:45 PM on June 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
A couple of reality checks for you:
1) I don't have the statistics, so could be off: someone convicted of sexually assaulting preteens is pretty unlikely to be interested in grown adults. Not impossible of course. Unlikely, though.
2) Many people of various genders seek out sugar daddy/mama relationships, for a wide variety of reasons. Or fall into them. They aren't necessarily abusive relationships to be in; it all depends on exactly how the older person is treating them.
3) Some of the people who seek out such relationships are genuinely only attracted to much older people.
4) It's possible that this is going on with your nephew.
At this point, your best bet is to be there for him 100000%, no questions, no judgement, "whatever you need I will help you as much as I am able." You can also start a conversation along the lines of "Hey, so checking in on you and how you're doing. I'm a little concerned--your living situation is a bit unusual. How do you feel about it?"
Probe and clarify, yes. Don't bring an agenda to the table other than asking for information.
On preview: he's not on his own. He's got you, to whatever extent is practical. Make this clear to him.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 8:45 PM on June 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
I wouldn't bother telling his parents or grandparents unless they have expressed a willingness to help, as jbenben suggests.The whole family already knows that here is a teenager who has not finished high school and is living in a situation of partial dependency on someone much older and they haven't offered him an alternative. Is new information going to make them behave differently? Was the situation totally acceptable to them before? That's kind of odd, to me.
My background is that I married someone I met in high school who was much older. No question in my mind, when we got together, this was an alternative family situation for me. It was not completely parallel to what your family is experiencing; it was actually a very meaningful and long-lasting relationship. Which, maybe this one is too but it doesn't sound like it. But I bring it up to point out that there are two parts to this: whatever may be going on with the older guy, and the dysfunction of this kid's family. Right now they are not helping and that may or may not be why the kid is living with this arrangement. So it's complicated and it makes a lot of sense that you are in a quandary. But I think the best thing you can do is offer some support and suggest to the other family members that they do the same. By support I mean, encourage him to get out of there and provide what material help you can, as well as some understanding. If his family is freaking out and judging him because of something they heard, he's going to be even more cut off and apt to make choices based on not thinking he has other options.
(Maybe they think they will not be judging him but it will not feel that way to him if this blows up.)
posted by BibiRose at 6:28 AM on June 13, 2015 [5 favorites]
My background is that I married someone I met in high school who was much older. No question in my mind, when we got together, this was an alternative family situation for me. It was not completely parallel to what your family is experiencing; it was actually a very meaningful and long-lasting relationship. Which, maybe this one is too but it doesn't sound like it. But I bring it up to point out that there are two parts to this: whatever may be going on with the older guy, and the dysfunction of this kid's family. Right now they are not helping and that may or may not be why the kid is living with this arrangement. So it's complicated and it makes a lot of sense that you are in a quandary. But I think the best thing you can do is offer some support and suggest to the other family members that they do the same. By support I mean, encourage him to get out of there and provide what material help you can, as well as some understanding. If his family is freaking out and judging him because of something they heard, he's going to be even more cut off and apt to make choices based on not thinking he has other options.
(Maybe they think they will not be judging him but it will not feel that way to him if this blows up.)
posted by BibiRose at 6:28 AM on June 13, 2015 [5 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by zadcat at 3:38 PM on June 12, 2015 [10 favorites]