Reducing suffering when making a choice between two relationships
June 10, 2015 7:32 AM Subscribe
A few months ago, I met an amazing new person with whom I would like to pursue a committed romantic relationship, but I am still in a prior long-term relationship with many problems of its own. How can I decide whether it is fair and right to leave my old boyfriend to continue dating this new person?
There is a lot of backstory that is relevant to this question. I met my first boyfriend, A, on the internet when I was in high school. We started out as friends and fell in love after a few years. We lived across the world from each other but ended up communicating through Skype on a near daily basis. Throughout my undergraduate years, we made five month-long visits to each other's countries and met each other's families. This past year, we both moved to a third country (our dream country) to live in the same city for the first time ever as we each pursued Master's degrees.
I love A for many reasons, including his sense of wonder about the world, his sense of adventure and spontaneity, his personality, his passion for certain subjects, his sense of humor, his charisma, his amazing good looks, and more. We have so many shared memories and have overcome difficulties of life together, with him supporting me with my social anxiety and me supporting him with his ADHD. We have always seemed to complement each other's weaknesses, with me being the serious planner and organizer and him being the one reminding us to have fun and pleasure along the way.
However, over the five years of long distance as well as this past school year of living nearby A, I have been troubled by some chronic problems in our relationship. A has always been difficult to reach by phone or any other method, so I have to make excruciating efforts to get through to him every single day, which is exhausting. Since I am always the one who has to initiate contact, it feels like my desire and enthusiasm for him are not equally reciprocated. Although he is nearly five years older than me, I feel more like a mother to him than a girlfriend, as I have to motivate him (or nag him) constantly to do his own schoolwork, to clean up his living space, and to do many other basic tasks that I believe a 29-year-old adult should do on his own. Our sex life has been lackluster since he started taking antidepressants this year to treat anxiety. This entire year, he has been living off student loans and has not applied for any jobs, despite my frequently imploring him and offering to help with the process. He has no savings whatsoever, so I have been supporting him financially in direct and indirect ways. Meanwhile, he has become addicted to computer games and the internet and does not give me the attention or physical affection that I long for. When I have tried to bring up these issues in discussion, he has deflected them.
In April, I began to do something very dishonest and I started cheating on A when I made an OkCupid profile and soon developed a relationship with a new person, B, who lives in a nearby city. B is much younger than A, but B is already a hundred times as mature and is financially self-sufficient. B is driven and self-motivated and shares many of my budding intellectual interests. Furthermore, B has treated me better than I've ever been treated before with boundless sensitivity, thoughtfulness, attentiveness, and physical affection. I started sleeping over at his place, and our snuggling and sex life have been incredible. We discovered both a physical chemistry and psychological connection that became stronger with each visit. We quickly fell in love with each other, and our future seemed limitless.
But this past weekend, B confronted me in a huge way when he discovered through some clues scattered on the internet I had lied to him about being single and was actually still in a (disfunctional, codependent) relationship with A. B is only interested in a committed, monogomous relationship with me, so naturally he said I must break up with A in a very clean way if I am to continue seeing him. And I must do this as soon as possible, because I cannot keep stringing two guys along while I struggle with choosing between the two of them.
I have been panicking and torturing myself endlessly since then, unable to make a decision (and now both A and B know what's going on and are suffering while I swing back and forth). It is so hard to break up with A because I feel responsible for him moving all the way to this country when he was nearly penniless and where he now has almost no support network besides me. And how can I throw away a relationship of six years (and my very first love/sexual partner) for someone I only met two months ago? I feel like I would be cruelly abandoning A and betraying the expectations of all our family and friends who have known us as a couple for so long and expected us to last forever. Also, I still deeply love and care for A, despite everything, and neither of us want to lose the shared dreams we had for our future together in this new country. On the other hand, being with B has taught me that I can be treated *much, much* better in a relationship, and I have also fallen in love with him. It is an indescribable comfort to imagine being in a relationship where I can count on my partner supporting me as much as I support him, rather than stressing myself to death over having to be the caretaker for both people. Both A and B have said they would be heartbroken to lose me, even after what's happened. I would be heartbroken to give up either one of them, but I know I must.
If you were in my position, what factors would you consider to help make this decision? Which factors are relevant and appropriate? How can I quickly choose which person to stay with in a way that minimizes further hurt? (I have already inflicted terrible suffering by cheating in the first place and involving both A and B in this twisted situation where I swing back and forth between them like a pendulum.) Once I make a decision, how can I stick with it and come to terms with its finality?
There is a lot of backstory that is relevant to this question. I met my first boyfriend, A, on the internet when I was in high school. We started out as friends and fell in love after a few years. We lived across the world from each other but ended up communicating through Skype on a near daily basis. Throughout my undergraduate years, we made five month-long visits to each other's countries and met each other's families. This past year, we both moved to a third country (our dream country) to live in the same city for the first time ever as we each pursued Master's degrees.
I love A for many reasons, including his sense of wonder about the world, his sense of adventure and spontaneity, his personality, his passion for certain subjects, his sense of humor, his charisma, his amazing good looks, and more. We have so many shared memories and have overcome difficulties of life together, with him supporting me with my social anxiety and me supporting him with his ADHD. We have always seemed to complement each other's weaknesses, with me being the serious planner and organizer and him being the one reminding us to have fun and pleasure along the way.
However, over the five years of long distance as well as this past school year of living nearby A, I have been troubled by some chronic problems in our relationship. A has always been difficult to reach by phone or any other method, so I have to make excruciating efforts to get through to him every single day, which is exhausting. Since I am always the one who has to initiate contact, it feels like my desire and enthusiasm for him are not equally reciprocated. Although he is nearly five years older than me, I feel more like a mother to him than a girlfriend, as I have to motivate him (or nag him) constantly to do his own schoolwork, to clean up his living space, and to do many other basic tasks that I believe a 29-year-old adult should do on his own. Our sex life has been lackluster since he started taking antidepressants this year to treat anxiety. This entire year, he has been living off student loans and has not applied for any jobs, despite my frequently imploring him and offering to help with the process. He has no savings whatsoever, so I have been supporting him financially in direct and indirect ways. Meanwhile, he has become addicted to computer games and the internet and does not give me the attention or physical affection that I long for. When I have tried to bring up these issues in discussion, he has deflected them.
In April, I began to do something very dishonest and I started cheating on A when I made an OkCupid profile and soon developed a relationship with a new person, B, who lives in a nearby city. B is much younger than A, but B is already a hundred times as mature and is financially self-sufficient. B is driven and self-motivated and shares many of my budding intellectual interests. Furthermore, B has treated me better than I've ever been treated before with boundless sensitivity, thoughtfulness, attentiveness, and physical affection. I started sleeping over at his place, and our snuggling and sex life have been incredible. We discovered both a physical chemistry and psychological connection that became stronger with each visit. We quickly fell in love with each other, and our future seemed limitless.
But this past weekend, B confronted me in a huge way when he discovered through some clues scattered on the internet I had lied to him about being single and was actually still in a (disfunctional, codependent) relationship with A. B is only interested in a committed, monogomous relationship with me, so naturally he said I must break up with A in a very clean way if I am to continue seeing him. And I must do this as soon as possible, because I cannot keep stringing two guys along while I struggle with choosing between the two of them.
I have been panicking and torturing myself endlessly since then, unable to make a decision (and now both A and B know what's going on and are suffering while I swing back and forth). It is so hard to break up with A because I feel responsible for him moving all the way to this country when he was nearly penniless and where he now has almost no support network besides me. And how can I throw away a relationship of six years (and my very first love/sexual partner) for someone I only met two months ago? I feel like I would be cruelly abandoning A and betraying the expectations of all our family and friends who have known us as a couple for so long and expected us to last forever. Also, I still deeply love and care for A, despite everything, and neither of us want to lose the shared dreams we had for our future together in this new country. On the other hand, being with B has taught me that I can be treated *much, much* better in a relationship, and I have also fallen in love with him. It is an indescribable comfort to imagine being in a relationship where I can count on my partner supporting me as much as I support him, rather than stressing myself to death over having to be the caretaker for both people. Both A and B have said they would be heartbroken to lose me, even after what's happened. I would be heartbroken to give up either one of them, but I know I must.
If you were in my position, what factors would you consider to help make this decision? Which factors are relevant and appropriate? How can I quickly choose which person to stay with in a way that minimizes further hurt? (I have already inflicted terrible suffering by cheating in the first place and involving both A and B in this twisted situation where I swing back and forth between them like a pendulum.) Once I make a decision, how can I stick with it and come to terms with its finality?
Break up with both of them and spend some time getting to know yourself outside of a relationship. Give yourself a 6-month gap of intentional single-dom and perhaps pursue therapy for yourself and for the codependency you feel for Person A.
You are not responsible for the actions/feelings of anyone but yourself and it sounds like you're doing the bulk of the heavy lifting for both for Person A (and have been for years). Relationships don't have to be bad in a clearly definable way before they're worth ending; they're opt-in on both party's end.
How to make it stick is to go no-contact and put in place filters/etc for blocking their communications. Enlist a friend, family member, or community you can turn to when you get lonely; your support structure will come in handy.
posted by bookdragoness at 7:41 AM on June 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
You are not responsible for the actions/feelings of anyone but yourself and it sounds like you're doing the bulk of the heavy lifting for both for Person A (and have been for years). Relationships don't have to be bad in a clearly definable way before they're worth ending; they're opt-in on both party's end.
How to make it stick is to go no-contact and put in place filters/etc for blocking their communications. Enlist a friend, family member, or community you can turn to when you get lonely; your support structure will come in handy.
posted by bookdragoness at 7:41 AM on June 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
Like jayder I'm going to give some standard AskMe advice which is that your reason for staying with A is the sunk cost fallacy - i.e. if I've invested so much time/energy/love, haven't I "wasted" that if I end the relationship? Well, no. You've invested that time, energy, and love on some really positive experiences and good things that made it all worthwhile. It's just time for it to come to a close. You aren't getting very much out of the relationship now, and neither is A - he doesn't even get your full, undivided commitment.
I'm not sure I'd necessarily say that you have to avoid pursuing things with B, though. If you try to pursue it and it doesn't work out, then it doesn't work out.
posted by capricorn at 7:42 AM on June 10, 2015 [30 favorites]
I'm not sure I'd necessarily say that you have to avoid pursuing things with B, though. If you try to pursue it and it doesn't work out, then it doesn't work out.
posted by capricorn at 7:42 AM on June 10, 2015 [30 favorites]
Break up with A now. You are not helping him in any way. You've cheated on him, and you're treating him like a child and enabling his unhealthy and unproductive lifestyle. Despite your lack of confidence that he can survive with you, he can. He's a grownup, and he'll figure it out. For what it's worth, no adult needs a mother. You aren't obligated to nag or "motivate" someone to act like a grownup. That kind of behavior only creates resentment on both sides. Your only real options when your partner isn't behaving like you think they should behave and refuses to discuss it are to learn to live with it, or get out.
I suspect once you are free of this relationship, things with B might not work out and you'll feel like you shouldn't have broken up with A, but that feeling will be incorrect. You're over the relationship; you just don't want to admit it because change is hard. It never does anyone any good to stay in a relationship primarily because of guilt and inertia, and that's what you're doing here. Even if B doesn't turn out to be the fantasy boyfriend you think he will be, you're still doing the right thing by ending your long-term relationship and moving forward with your life.
posted by something something at 7:42 AM on June 10, 2015 [34 favorites]
I suspect once you are free of this relationship, things with B might not work out and you'll feel like you shouldn't have broken up with A, but that feeling will be incorrect. You're over the relationship; you just don't want to admit it because change is hard. It never does anyone any good to stay in a relationship primarily because of guilt and inertia, and that's what you're doing here. Even if B doesn't turn out to be the fantasy boyfriend you think he will be, you're still doing the right thing by ending your long-term relationship and moving forward with your life.
posted by something something at 7:42 AM on June 10, 2015 [34 favorites]
Clearly, you don't want to be stuck in a relationship with A. The expectations of your friends and family, and the amount of time you've already invested, are irrelevant. To minimize further hurt, make a clean and final break immediately.
Things may or may not work out with B, but that's beside the point with respect to what you need to do in your current relationship.
posted by prize bull octorok at 7:42 AM on June 10, 2015 [5 favorites]
Things may or may not work out with B, but that's beside the point with respect to what you need to do in your current relationship.
posted by prize bull octorok at 7:42 AM on June 10, 2015 [5 favorites]
Honestly, I think your relationship with B is poisoned. It's a miracle that he didn't dump you when he found out, but now that he knows you're capable of lying as you have been, he will probably never fully trust you.
You're clearly unhappy with A, since you made the OKC profile, so that needs to end and it has nothing to do with your relationship with B. Like has been stated above, it would be best for everyone involved if you were single for a while. You've been in a relationship since your late teens/early 20s, and I think you could probably benefit (for a variety of reasons) from living life as a single person.
posted by kitty teeth at 7:42 AM on June 10, 2015 [21 favorites]
You're clearly unhappy with A, since you made the OKC profile, so that needs to end and it has nothing to do with your relationship with B. Like has been stated above, it would be best for everyone involved if you were single for a while. You've been in a relationship since your late teens/early 20s, and I think you could probably benefit (for a variety of reasons) from living life as a single person.
posted by kitty teeth at 7:42 AM on June 10, 2015 [21 favorites]
how can I throw away a relationship of six years (and my very first love/sexual partner)
By understanding that most people do this? Very few of us in Western culture end up with our teenage partners. It has to end some time. (I mean, if it doesn't, then we all end up with the first person we fell in love with, had sex with, or dated long term and looking back I can tell you: BOY THAT WOULD SUCK.)
And honestly, it doesn't sound like your boyfriend is really in this relationship. I am not saying it's not going to be excruciatingly hard and painful, but at 29, it may be what your boyfriend needs to move forward. A stilted codependent relationship isn't good for him either.
posted by DarlingBri at 7:43 AM on June 10, 2015 [20 favorites]
By understanding that most people do this? Very few of us in Western culture end up with our teenage partners. It has to end some time. (I mean, if it doesn't, then we all end up with the first person we fell in love with, had sex with, or dated long term and looking back I can tell you: BOY THAT WOULD SUCK.)
And honestly, it doesn't sound like your boyfriend is really in this relationship. I am not saying it's not going to be excruciatingly hard and painful, but at 29, it may be what your boyfriend needs to move forward. A stilted codependent relationship isn't good for him either.
posted by DarlingBri at 7:43 AM on June 10, 2015 [20 favorites]
I feel like I would be cruelly abandoning A and betraying the expectations of all our family and friends who have known us as a couple for so long and expected us to last forever.
You abandoned A when you decided to join OkCupid and cheated on him. You were not a good partner to him because instead of breaking up with him over the issues you were having or trying to work through them, you made the choice to lie to him and cheat. You need to leave A and let him go on with his life without you.
If B is okay with you lying to him for several months and still wants to have a relationship with you, then you can try it out. To be very honest, relationships that start out as affairs don't tend to work out in the long run.
posted by Lingasol at 7:45 AM on June 10, 2015 [31 favorites]
You abandoned A when you decided to join OkCupid and cheated on him. You were not a good partner to him because instead of breaking up with him over the issues you were having or trying to work through them, you made the choice to lie to him and cheat. You need to leave A and let him go on with his life without you.
If B is okay with you lying to him for several months and still wants to have a relationship with you, then you can try it out. To be very honest, relationships that start out as affairs don't tend to work out in the long run.
posted by Lingasol at 7:45 AM on June 10, 2015 [31 favorites]
I agree with the "don't date either of them" advice but know that realistically you won't follow it. So what I will advise you is that whatever you do, it will matter in the long run less than you think. It sounds like your current relationship has run its course, so I definitely think you ought you respect A and give him a clean break. After than, regardless of what we advise you, you will probably pursue something with B. But B is also 90%+ likely not to be the person you spend the rest of your life with. So the magnitude of this decision isn't as great as it seems. Just try to treat each of them how you would want to be treated in their shoes.
posted by Asparagus at 7:48 AM on June 10, 2015 [11 favorites]
posted by Asparagus at 7:48 AM on June 10, 2015 [11 favorites]
And how can I throw away a relationship of six years (and my very first love/sexual partner) for someone I only met two months ago? I feel like I would be cruelly abandoning A and betraying the expectations of all our family and friends who have known us as a couple for so long and expected us to last forever.
Eh, things change. Nobody goes through life following the path they thought they were on at 18. You've been with this guy since you were quite young; that's reason enough to break up with him -- because you don't know anything else and it's important to experience other people. Let me say that again: it is important to experience other people. Do not settle down with your first and only boyfriend, ESPECIALLY when the relationship is less than great! You've both grown over the past years and it doesn't sound like you're growing in the same direction. You want financial stability, someone who is reliable and responsible - and by 29, he should be these things.
Please break up with him and move on. It's ok to do so.
posted by puppet du sock at 7:48 AM on June 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
Eh, things change. Nobody goes through life following the path they thought they were on at 18. You've been with this guy since you were quite young; that's reason enough to break up with him -- because you don't know anything else and it's important to experience other people. Let me say that again: it is important to experience other people. Do not settle down with your first and only boyfriend, ESPECIALLY when the relationship is less than great! You've both grown over the past years and it doesn't sound like you're growing in the same direction. You want financial stability, someone who is reliable and responsible - and by 29, he should be these things.
Please break up with him and move on. It's ok to do so.
posted by puppet du sock at 7:48 AM on June 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
Break up with A now (although you essentially already did when you made the OKCupid profile). Tell B you broke up with A. Go slowly with B and see what happens.
posted by AugustWest at 7:51 AM on June 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by AugustWest at 7:51 AM on June 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
You've been in a relationship since your late teens/early 20s, and I think you could probably benefit (for a variety of reasons) from living life as a single person.
Yeah, if you've put a lot of energy into dealing with the long-distance obstacles and then with forcing yourself to cope with behavior you really don't like, then you may not have a clear idea who you are when you aren't yearning for change and what kind of steady-state situation would make you happy. Your inner self has been under a lot of pressure and maybe you need to release some of the external influences and get a clearer idea of how you want to proceed.
posted by puddledork at 7:59 AM on June 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
Yeah, if you've put a lot of energy into dealing with the long-distance obstacles and then with forcing yourself to cope with behavior you really don't like, then you may not have a clear idea who you are when you aren't yearning for change and what kind of steady-state situation would make you happy. Your inner self has been under a lot of pressure and maybe you need to release some of the external influences and get a clearer idea of how you want to proceed.
posted by puddledork at 7:59 AM on June 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
A's not going to grow up until you leave him. It's actually a kindness to him to break up, I promise. Try thinking of it that way.
Also, I am genuinely not trying to be mean, and I apologize if this comes across that way, but you seem very romantic and idealistic about relationships in general. Basically all relationships go through a "passionate" phase and then settle into a more "practical" phase. You should still leave A, because clearly the "practical" phase is not working with him, either. But just...try to keep your feet on the ground and head out of the clouds a little bit, you know?
posted by quincunx at 8:03 AM on June 10, 2015 [17 favorites]
Also, I am genuinely not trying to be mean, and I apologize if this comes across that way, but you seem very romantic and idealistic about relationships in general. Basically all relationships go through a "passionate" phase and then settle into a more "practical" phase. You should still leave A, because clearly the "practical" phase is not working with him, either. But just...try to keep your feet on the ground and head out of the clouds a little bit, you know?
posted by quincunx at 8:03 AM on June 10, 2015 [17 favorites]
All you can sensibly & fairly do now is tell A you have left him. As others have said you left when you made the OKCupid profile, you just didn't do the decent thing & tell A.
I suspect in a few months of not being the side piece and some of the glamour wearing off B will turn out to not be the shining beacon of light you see him as but a means to an end, in your case an excuse to leave A. The healthy thing to do here would be to take a break between partners, which you won't do, but when you break up with B take some time for yourself before jumping in with a new partner.
You don't owe A staying in a relationship you don't want to be in. You do however owe him the respect of telling him the truth as kindly as possible (there are some great examples of how to do that on Metafilter) and making a clean break.
posted by wwax at 8:04 AM on June 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
I suspect in a few months of not being the side piece and some of the glamour wearing off B will turn out to not be the shining beacon of light you see him as but a means to an end, in your case an excuse to leave A. The healthy thing to do here would be to take a break between partners, which you won't do, but when you break up with B take some time for yourself before jumping in with a new partner.
You don't owe A staying in a relationship you don't want to be in. You do however owe him the respect of telling him the truth as kindly as possible (there are some great examples of how to do that on Metafilter) and making a clean break.
posted by wwax at 8:04 AM on June 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
If I were your friend, I would tell you to start by breaking up with A. Neither of you has been treating each other very well, and the way you describe the situation doesn't leave me thinking that there's a lot to salvage and move forward with there. And that's okay. If it's over now, that doesn't invalidate all the support and love you two have offered each other from the years. It's okay to walk away now.
I agree with several other people that I think you would be best served to cool things down with B for a while too. As a serial monogamist myself, I wish I had given myself the gift of time between serious relationships when I was younger, so maybe I'm projecting here. But it sounds like you could do with some time on your own to get a better handle on the end of your long-term relationship, what you want and need moving forward, what an actual relationship with B or someone else would be like when you're not using it as an escape from your real life, and what you want and need and enjoy as an individual separate from a relationship.
posted by Stacey at 8:05 AM on June 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
I agree with several other people that I think you would be best served to cool things down with B for a while too. As a serial monogamist myself, I wish I had given myself the gift of time between serious relationships when I was younger, so maybe I'm projecting here. But it sounds like you could do with some time on your own to get a better handle on the end of your long-term relationship, what you want and need moving forward, what an actual relationship with B or someone else would be like when you're not using it as an escape from your real life, and what you want and need and enjoy as an individual separate from a relationship.
posted by Stacey at 8:05 AM on June 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
So you've been using B as an escape hatch, a springboard, a way to get up, over and out of your relationship with A. It isn't nice, it isn't even really decent, but it's completely understandable and it's perfectly human. I've done it, I've had it done to me, it happens, especially when you're trying to make things work as an adult with a person you've been dating since you were a kid.
Part of the reason you idealize B so much, to the point that you say you're "in love" with him after barely two months of knowing each other is that you're experiencing the incredible relief that accompanies the release of so many of the pressures that have been building up in your relationship with A. Everything about B that attracts you is something you found lacking or absent in A -- it isn't a coincidence, you just sought out the first person you were confident would replace all of those missing puzzle pieces. Of course it's intoxicating to have two people so enamored of you that they're willing to debase themselves (by letting you cheat on them with impunity) in your honor, but as you're in the process of finding out, it isn't a recipe for long-term success.
If you were in my position, what factors would you consider to help make this decision? Which factors are relevant and appropriate?
As selfish as it sounds, and as selfish as you've already been, the only factor you need to consider in making this decision is your own happiness. Otherwise all you're going to be doing is prolonging your misery and theirs. So break up with A, for sure -- the only other option is what, marrying him? Staying together forever while you seethe in resentment for the rest of your life because he can't be arsed to take care of himself? Read Miko's breakup script to him if you must, but do it as soon as you can.
Like many of the folks above, I think you should break up with B, too, so you can get your head on straight as a single person before diving right back into another serious relationship, but I'm familiar enough with human behavior to know that you won't. In that case, your next step should probably involve the immediate cessation of your double life and a series of attempts to rebuild B's ability to trust you, starting with letting A know that your breakup with him is non-negotiable, permanent, and complete. No matter what, you don't ever owe anyone access to your body, your love, your caretaking, or your time.
Good luck, OP. I hope you find peace and happiness wherever life takes you next.
posted by divined by radio at 8:10 AM on June 10, 2015 [22 favorites]
Part of the reason you idealize B so much, to the point that you say you're "in love" with him after barely two months of knowing each other is that you're experiencing the incredible relief that accompanies the release of so many of the pressures that have been building up in your relationship with A. Everything about B that attracts you is something you found lacking or absent in A -- it isn't a coincidence, you just sought out the first person you were confident would replace all of those missing puzzle pieces. Of course it's intoxicating to have two people so enamored of you that they're willing to debase themselves (by letting you cheat on them with impunity) in your honor, but as you're in the process of finding out, it isn't a recipe for long-term success.
If you were in my position, what factors would you consider to help make this decision? Which factors are relevant and appropriate?
As selfish as it sounds, and as selfish as you've already been, the only factor you need to consider in making this decision is your own happiness. Otherwise all you're going to be doing is prolonging your misery and theirs. So break up with A, for sure -- the only other option is what, marrying him? Staying together forever while you seethe in resentment for the rest of your life because he can't be arsed to take care of himself? Read Miko's breakup script to him if you must, but do it as soon as you can.
Like many of the folks above, I think you should break up with B, too, so you can get your head on straight as a single person before diving right back into another serious relationship, but I'm familiar enough with human behavior to know that you won't. In that case, your next step should probably involve the immediate cessation of your double life and a series of attempts to rebuild B's ability to trust you, starting with letting A know that your breakup with him is non-negotiable, permanent, and complete. No matter what, you don't ever owe anyone access to your body, your love, your caretaking, or your time.
Good luck, OP. I hope you find peace and happiness wherever life takes you next.
posted by divined by radio at 8:10 AM on June 10, 2015 [22 favorites]
Don't break up with someone just to be with someone else. Break up with someone because you'd rather be single than be with them. That's the only way to know for sure that you're not succumbing to some sort of "grass is always greener" infatuation.
posted by Jacqueline at 8:35 AM on June 10, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by Jacqueline at 8:35 AM on June 10, 2015 [6 favorites]
And how can I throw away a relationship of six years (and my very first love/sexual partner) for someone I only met two months ago?
You already threw it away when you decided to start an entire other relationship behind his back.
Break up with them both. A deserves to be with someone who won't treat them like a backup plan if their new relationship sours and B will probably not be able to trust you in the long run.
posted by poffin boffin at 8:42 AM on June 10, 2015 [7 favorites]
You already threw it away when you decided to start an entire other relationship behind his back.
Break up with them both. A deserves to be with someone who won't treat them like a backup plan if their new relationship sours and B will probably not be able to trust you in the long run.
posted by poffin boffin at 8:42 AM on June 10, 2015 [7 favorites]
You didn't strong-arm A into moving to this new country with you. He's an adult, he made the choice. You are in no way obligated to stay with him for this or any other reason. Your relationship with him sounds terribly toxic, and it essentially ended months ago when you made the OKCupid profile. Just finish what you started, because that's the only compassionate action in this situation.
As for B... you founded your relationship on a huge deception, and I wouldn't blame him for leaving you over it. If he does want to give it another shot, you need to slow the pace of the relationship down a whole lot. AND you need to commit to being a lot more open and honest with him from here on out. While conventional wisdom states not to end a relationship to be with someone else, life doesn't always play out quite so neat and tidy, and I'm a living example of that. I met my now-husband while I was in a relationship with someone else, and he was a big factor in my ultimately deciding to end that relationship (but NOT the only factor, by a longshot). The big difference though was that my husband knew from the start that I was dating someone else, we did not get romantically involved until I had ended things 100%, and we took things VERY slowly for the first year of our relationship.
But ultimately, even if B weren't in the picture, I still think you need to walk away from A for good, or else the situation is just going to repeat itself once you meet someone else you're interested in.
posted by darkchocolatepyramid at 8:53 AM on June 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
As for B... you founded your relationship on a huge deception, and I wouldn't blame him for leaving you over it. If he does want to give it another shot, you need to slow the pace of the relationship down a whole lot. AND you need to commit to being a lot more open and honest with him from here on out. While conventional wisdom states not to end a relationship to be with someone else, life doesn't always play out quite so neat and tidy, and I'm a living example of that. I met my now-husband while I was in a relationship with someone else, and he was a big factor in my ultimately deciding to end that relationship (but NOT the only factor, by a longshot). The big difference though was that my husband knew from the start that I was dating someone else, we did not get romantically involved until I had ended things 100%, and we took things VERY slowly for the first year of our relationship.
But ultimately, even if B weren't in the picture, I still think you need to walk away from A for good, or else the situation is just going to repeat itself once you meet someone else you're interested in.
posted by darkchocolatepyramid at 8:53 AM on June 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
Definitely break up with A. You basically already did when you decided to cheat the way you did. Things with B may well fall apart, but it sounds like that relationship has more potential.
posted by salvia at 9:13 AM on June 10, 2015
posted by salvia at 9:13 AM on June 10, 2015
And how can I throw away a relationship of six years (and my very first love/sexual partner) for someone I only met two months ago?
You already did when you began cheating. As someone who has been on the other side of this, tell your bf it's not working and you've moved on. Whatever happens with new person is unknown but be honest that you did a messed up thing by cheating and the right thing is to stop cheating by breaking up.
posted by lunastellasol at 9:17 AM on June 10, 2015 [4 favorites]
You already did when you began cheating. As someone who has been on the other side of this, tell your bf it's not working and you've moved on. Whatever happens with new person is unknown but be honest that you did a messed up thing by cheating and the right thing is to stop cheating by breaking up.
posted by lunastellasol at 9:17 AM on June 10, 2015 [4 favorites]
I met my first boyfriend, A, on the internet when I was in high school. We started out as friends and fell in love after a few years. We lived across the world from each other but ended up communicating through Skype on a near daily basis. Throughout my undergraduate years, we made five month-long visits to each other's countries and met each other's families. This past year, we both moved to a third country (our dream country) to live in the same city for the first time ever as we each pursued Master's degrees.
So, based on some similar experiences among me and my friend group, I'm going to assume A Thing that is happening here is that you have invested a TON of time, effort, money, and emotional energy in your relationship with A. I am sure you spent a lot of time defending the legitimacy of your relationship to your family, you've (until recently) ignored a lot of other possible partners, you moved to a new country with him. Long distance is tough and taxing and requires so, so much effort for not much immediate reward. Not to mention you essentially began dating in high school, and I'm sure a lot of people have told you that high school relationships don't last, which probably made you feel very defensive.
I think we leave out an important detail when we talk about relationships that began in your teenage years not lasting forever. It's not that you're stupid, or that don't know what you want, or that you're incapable of real love in when you are young. It's that your personality isn't done growing yet. High school is such an artificial environment, and it's hard to know the kind of person you're going to be when you have experience in the real world, where everything is messier and everyone cares less what you're doing. And when you start dating someone that young, you feel an obligation to remain the person that they expect you to be. You get in a feedback loop where they feel like they know you best, so their assessment becomes the standard you hold yourself to. This goes both ways, too: if you think he's lazy and can't do any of the work, that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy on his part, because bucking that endangers the relationship. You and A have outgrown each other, but there is still a lot of societal and intra-relationship pressure to stay together.
So, you need to break up with him and break that cycle. You're going to feel shitty. People are going to give you crap and say I told you so and use you as a dumb example when they're telling their own kids that high school relationships never last. None of this matters, and none of it is a good reason to stay in this relationship. But you really should take sometime and be single. If you jump into a relationship immediately, you will have the same problem: you're still feeling stifled by someone else's expectations of you. Get out of that mindset that your partner's version of you is the real version. Think about how you live day-to-day, and if you're happy, and what you want, and where you want to be. Your relationships will be much more fulfilling if you're sure of yourself and sure of what you want.
posted by almostmanda at 9:21 AM on June 10, 2015 [13 favorites]
So, based on some similar experiences among me and my friend group, I'm going to assume A Thing that is happening here is that you have invested a TON of time, effort, money, and emotional energy in your relationship with A. I am sure you spent a lot of time defending the legitimacy of your relationship to your family, you've (until recently) ignored a lot of other possible partners, you moved to a new country with him. Long distance is tough and taxing and requires so, so much effort for not much immediate reward. Not to mention you essentially began dating in high school, and I'm sure a lot of people have told you that high school relationships don't last, which probably made you feel very defensive.
I think we leave out an important detail when we talk about relationships that began in your teenage years not lasting forever. It's not that you're stupid, or that don't know what you want, or that you're incapable of real love in when you are young. It's that your personality isn't done growing yet. High school is such an artificial environment, and it's hard to know the kind of person you're going to be when you have experience in the real world, where everything is messier and everyone cares less what you're doing. And when you start dating someone that young, you feel an obligation to remain the person that they expect you to be. You get in a feedback loop where they feel like they know you best, so their assessment becomes the standard you hold yourself to. This goes both ways, too: if you think he's lazy and can't do any of the work, that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy on his part, because bucking that endangers the relationship. You and A have outgrown each other, but there is still a lot of societal and intra-relationship pressure to stay together.
So, you need to break up with him and break that cycle. You're going to feel shitty. People are going to give you crap and say I told you so and use you as a dumb example when they're telling their own kids that high school relationships never last. None of this matters, and none of it is a good reason to stay in this relationship. But you really should take sometime and be single. If you jump into a relationship immediately, you will have the same problem: you're still feeling stifled by someone else's expectations of you. Get out of that mindset that your partner's version of you is the real version. Think about how you live day-to-day, and if you're happy, and what you want, and where you want to be. Your relationships will be much more fulfilling if you're sure of yourself and sure of what you want.
posted by almostmanda at 9:21 AM on June 10, 2015 [13 favorites]
You need to create some space for yourself to be with yourself so you can find out why you were more comfortable with cheating on two men you profess to love than with facing an uncomfortable (but honest) conversation.
You seem to need permission, so here it is: You may break up with A. This does not make you a bad person. It is time.
posted by heatherann at 9:37 AM on June 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
You seem to need permission, so here it is: You may break up with A. This does not make you a bad person. It is time.
posted by heatherann at 9:37 AM on June 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
One other thing that may be going on here is the concept of One True Love and what if you break up with A, and get it wrong, and he was The One? A lot of people on AskMeFi don't believe in The One concept, but let's say it's true and examine it.
If he is (was) The One, then long term the Fates will figure it out.
I was caught in a similar spiral once, and the only thing I regret now is how long I dragged it out. Everyone will be miserable until you make a choice, including you. So make a choice and stick by it. I'm with everyone else in saying that just because A was your first, doesn't mean you have to stay with him forever. Most relationships end, but that doesn't make them a failure. You've learned a lot about yourself, about relationships, and that's never a bad thing.
The quickest way to reduce the suffering here is to just make a choice and be done. Short term it will hurt, but long term it will be much better.
posted by RogueTech at 9:48 AM on June 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
If he is (was) The One, then long term the Fates will figure it out.
I was caught in a similar spiral once, and the only thing I regret now is how long I dragged it out. Everyone will be miserable until you make a choice, including you. So make a choice and stick by it. I'm with everyone else in saying that just because A was your first, doesn't mean you have to stay with him forever. Most relationships end, but that doesn't make them a failure. You've learned a lot about yourself, about relationships, and that's never a bad thing.
The quickest way to reduce the suffering here is to just make a choice and be done. Short term it will hurt, but long term it will be much better.
posted by RogueTech at 9:48 AM on June 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
Break up with both of them and take some time by yourself to work through why you think it's okay to lie to and deceive people you are intimately involved with.
posted by Squeak Attack at 10:21 AM on June 10, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by Squeak Attack at 10:21 AM on June 10, 2015 [6 favorites]
So this will be hard to hear, sorry.
Shut it all down. Take a breath and decide if you want to be the kind of person who cheats on two partners simultaneously. Because that is what you are doing.
I think the answer is clear and that you will make the right choice.
From there, don't dwell on the past mistakes. They are over. Make a conscious choice to make better decisions in the future and get appropriate therapy, whatever you need, to make sure this doesn't happen again. Stop beating yourself up over these mistakes, which you do need to be aware ARE mistakes, and move on and do better.
It is really important that you acknowledge, correct and then move on from the situation. Your letter shows a lot of self-recrimination but also a willingness to just keep on digging that hole. You will feel a lot better when you stop doing that even if it is very hard briefly.
Oh, outside of the whole "do the right thing" business, you also MUST tell them because you have been having sex with two people... probably unprotected? STD risks are no joke. You don't get a pass on this at all. It is mandatory.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 10:21 AM on June 10, 2015 [4 favorites]
Shut it all down. Take a breath and decide if you want to be the kind of person who cheats on two partners simultaneously. Because that is what you are doing.
I think the answer is clear and that you will make the right choice.
From there, don't dwell on the past mistakes. They are over. Make a conscious choice to make better decisions in the future and get appropriate therapy, whatever you need, to make sure this doesn't happen again. Stop beating yourself up over these mistakes, which you do need to be aware ARE mistakes, and move on and do better.
It is really important that you acknowledge, correct and then move on from the situation. Your letter shows a lot of self-recrimination but also a willingness to just keep on digging that hole. You will feel a lot better when you stop doing that even if it is very hard briefly.
Oh, outside of the whole "do the right thing" business, you also MUST tell them because you have been having sex with two people... probably unprotected? STD risks are no joke. You don't get a pass on this at all. It is mandatory.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 10:21 AM on June 10, 2015 [4 favorites]
Break up with both of them. You are not seeing B as a complete person, you are seeing B in contrast to what you have right now.
End both relationships, spend at least six months to a year single and figuring out who you are.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 10:22 AM on June 10, 2015 [3 favorites]
End both relationships, spend at least six months to a year single and figuring out who you are.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 10:22 AM on June 10, 2015 [3 favorites]
In order to come to terms with my own affair, I have read a fair bit a bit about affairs. In most cases, person B is chosen because he fills in the gap that person A is not filling. The vast majority of the time, once you leave A, relationship to B ends within a year and then you go try to find a third person who actually is capable of meeting your needs all on their own and not in some patchwork of getting a little from A and a little from B.
The odds are long against either of these relationships really panning out. You clearly can't make it work with A. Your options are basically 1) acquiesce to the ultimatum and dump A so B will keep you and 2) dump both of them.
I personally would not acquiesce to a man's ultimatum. It will likely permanently harm the power dynamic of the relationship. If you do so, he is likely to treat you as property. You can try it if you need to learn this firsthand for yourself, but if you do so, make sure you protect your escape options so you don't become his prisoner. That can quickly go very bad places.
So I basically concur with the general consensus here that you would be better off dumping both of them.
DBMFA: Dump Both MF Already
posted by Michele in California at 10:36 AM on June 10, 2015 [4 favorites]
The odds are long against either of these relationships really panning out. You clearly can't make it work with A. Your options are basically 1) acquiesce to the ultimatum and dump A so B will keep you and 2) dump both of them.
I personally would not acquiesce to a man's ultimatum. It will likely permanently harm the power dynamic of the relationship. If you do so, he is likely to treat you as property. You can try it if you need to learn this firsthand for yourself, but if you do so, make sure you protect your escape options so you don't become his prisoner. That can quickly go very bad places.
So I basically concur with the general consensus here that you would be better off dumping both of them.
DBMFA: Dump Both MF Already
posted by Michele in California at 10:36 AM on June 10, 2015 [4 favorites]
I think both A and you need to work on enhancing your level of maturity. Break up with A and B. Do not date anyone until you understand both the rewards and responsibilities of a committed relationship.
posted by nubianinthedesert at 10:38 AM on June 10, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by nubianinthedesert at 10:38 AM on June 10, 2015 [5 favorites]
I feel like I would be cruelly abandoning A and betraying the expectations of all our family and friends who have known us as a couple for so long and expected us to last forever. Also, I still deeply love and care for A
You abandoned A and betrayed him when you cheated on him by online dating.
Deeply loving and caring for someone does not include enabling them, and cheating on them because they don't meet your expectations, regardless of whether those expectations are justified or not.
There's something here that stands out in that you seem to want to control everything in a relationship. I'll venture a guess that there's a part of you that derives some satisfaction in being a 'mother' to A and feeling that he's dependent on you, as well as B demanding that you be in a monogamous relationship while you continue to string him along knowing that the decision is yours. The questions you pose at the end have a somewhat clinical tone to them, and seem to lack a general self-awareness and maturity.
Leave them both. A will get his life together, and B will find someone with whom a relationship doesn't start out tainted.
And you'll benefit by working on yourself, and learning that being alone knocks a whole lotta chips off your shoulder - making you ready for true happiness in a solid, mutually beneficial relationship.
posted by Everydayville at 10:59 AM on June 10, 2015 [5 favorites]
You abandoned A and betrayed him when you cheated on him by online dating.
Deeply loving and caring for someone does not include enabling them, and cheating on them because they don't meet your expectations, regardless of whether those expectations are justified or not.
There's something here that stands out in that you seem to want to control everything in a relationship. I'll venture a guess that there's a part of you that derives some satisfaction in being a 'mother' to A and feeling that he's dependent on you, as well as B demanding that you be in a monogamous relationship while you continue to string him along knowing that the decision is yours. The questions you pose at the end have a somewhat clinical tone to them, and seem to lack a general self-awareness and maturity.
Leave them both. A will get his life together, and B will find someone with whom a relationship doesn't start out tainted.
And you'll benefit by working on yourself, and learning that being alone knocks a whole lotta chips off your shoulder - making you ready for true happiness in a solid, mutually beneficial relationship.
posted by Everydayville at 10:59 AM on June 10, 2015 [5 favorites]
Our sex life has been lackluster since he started taking antidepressants this year to treat anxiety. This entire year, he has been living off student loans and has not applied for any jobs, despite my frequently imploring him and offering to help with the process.
It sounds like A's anti-depressant medication isn't working. Apparently, he's having sexual side effects and he's still showing a lot of symptoms of depression after being on it for a year. Neither of those things should be happening. Does he realize that the medication isn't working properly, and does his doctor know what's going on?
You can't cure his depression either by staying OR by leaving, so that issue isn't really about whether your romantic relationship with him should continue. Just out of human decency though, I think it'd be a good idea to give him the head's up that he's still symptomatic and that he needs his doctor to give him more/better/different treatment.
In terms of your relationship, I would just come clean to A and see how he handles it. Personally, (if A were down for it) I probably would end up staying in the relationship to see how a different course of depression treatment effects things. Your frustrations with him all sound like they could EASILY stem from his depression, so those problems might just be circumstantial and might go away once his depression is controlled.
Or maybe they're not circumstantial, maybe he's just avoidant to his very core, so it's in his nature to under-use his phone or to escape into video games too much or to avoid rejection/confrontation by not applying to jobs enough, and those things won't change. But you can always break up with him later on if that's true.
Either way, the thing with B sounds like pure escape/fantasy on your part. And you peed in the pool in terms of your and B's relationship when you decided to secretly two-time with him. Even if he's infatuated with you now, it's hard to trust someone who's played you like you have played B, and especially since you've played him from the VERY BEGINNING. I've been in B's position, and it's not fun. If you do end up breaking up with A and pursuing B, go VERY VERY slowly with B. Basically try to make the whole relationship a do-over. But like I said, don't count on it working out regardless. B's just been an escape from A on your part, and on his part, he's just discovered that the person he's been dating for months has been lying to his face the whole time.
So, personally, I don't think B should come into the decision about whether or not to stay with A at all. Definitely don't blow up any relationships *for* B.
If you have to or want to blow up a relationship, do it for a reason intrinsic to the relationship itself. Not for the ostensible sake of some other fantasy relationship with a man who you've been lying to and playing for a couple months straight (while telling yourself that you love him. I'm sorry, but that's sleazy, and you can do better than that).
I think that your next step is to see what A has to say about all this.
posted by rue72 at 11:13 AM on June 10, 2015 [3 favorites]
It sounds like A's anti-depressant medication isn't working. Apparently, he's having sexual side effects and he's still showing a lot of symptoms of depression after being on it for a year. Neither of those things should be happening. Does he realize that the medication isn't working properly, and does his doctor know what's going on?
You can't cure his depression either by staying OR by leaving, so that issue isn't really about whether your romantic relationship with him should continue. Just out of human decency though, I think it'd be a good idea to give him the head's up that he's still symptomatic and that he needs his doctor to give him more/better/different treatment.
In terms of your relationship, I would just come clean to A and see how he handles it. Personally, (if A were down for it) I probably would end up staying in the relationship to see how a different course of depression treatment effects things. Your frustrations with him all sound like they could EASILY stem from his depression, so those problems might just be circumstantial and might go away once his depression is controlled.
Or maybe they're not circumstantial, maybe he's just avoidant to his very core, so it's in his nature to under-use his phone or to escape into video games too much or to avoid rejection/confrontation by not applying to jobs enough, and those things won't change. But you can always break up with him later on if that's true.
Either way, the thing with B sounds like pure escape/fantasy on your part. And you peed in the pool in terms of your and B's relationship when you decided to secretly two-time with him. Even if he's infatuated with you now, it's hard to trust someone who's played you like you have played B, and especially since you've played him from the VERY BEGINNING. I've been in B's position, and it's not fun. If you do end up breaking up with A and pursuing B, go VERY VERY slowly with B. Basically try to make the whole relationship a do-over. But like I said, don't count on it working out regardless. B's just been an escape from A on your part, and on his part, he's just discovered that the person he's been dating for months has been lying to his face the whole time.
So, personally, I don't think B should come into the decision about whether or not to stay with A at all. Definitely don't blow up any relationships *for* B.
If you have to or want to blow up a relationship, do it for a reason intrinsic to the relationship itself. Not for the ostensible sake of some other fantasy relationship with a man who you've been lying to and playing for a couple months straight (while telling yourself that you love him. I'm sorry, but that's sleazy, and you can do better than that).
I think that your next step is to see what A has to say about all this.
posted by rue72 at 11:13 AM on June 10, 2015 [3 favorites]
Be done with A, that whole thing is a mess. Don't pursue B. I mean, you already started your relationship with B by cheating on someone else and lying to both of them about it. I thought B would be someone you had a crush on or something. That's not the case. B was dating you under the understanding that you were single. You're not.
Be done with both of them and figure out what you want in a relationship first. Then explore relationships honestly.
posted by Crystalinne at 11:26 AM on June 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
Be done with both of them and figure out what you want in a relationship first. Then explore relationships honestly.
posted by Crystalinne at 11:26 AM on June 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
Breaking up is not "throwing away" it is ending something that doesn't work. Clearly your relationship doesn't work anymore. You probably should have ended it earlier, but now it's come to a crisis point. I have no advice on what you should do re: B, but definitely your relationship with A is an albatross. You might make good friends, if your friendship survives the breakup, but romantically you are not compatible.
It happens! Most people don't stay in relationships that started in high school. Because you change a lot after high school.
It's also painful to walk away, and guilt-filled, but if you want to have other healthy relationships (which may or may not include B) you need to leave this one.
posted by emjaybee at 12:25 PM on June 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
It happens! Most people don't stay in relationships that started in high school. Because you change a lot after high school.
It's also painful to walk away, and guilt-filled, but if you want to have other healthy relationships (which may or may not include B) you need to leave this one.
posted by emjaybee at 12:25 PM on June 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
Just to underscore the point that your choice is not "A or B", it's "A or not A", and then, after some time has passed, "B or not B". B may be your ticket out of a relationship that is not working, and that's a good thing. However, your ticket out is not usually the answer to happiness, but rather a reaction to the things that aren't working with A.
In a year, when you have processed the relationship with A fully and can proceed in a non-reactive way, you'll find someone with whom to begin a relationship. That may be B. It may not.
posted by janey47 at 12:53 PM on June 10, 2015 [5 favorites]
In a year, when you have processed the relationship with A fully and can proceed in a non-reactive way, you'll find someone with whom to begin a relationship. That may be B. It may not.
posted by janey47 at 12:53 PM on June 10, 2015 [5 favorites]
Hey OP. You may be feeling a little piled on here. Hey, it's human to make mistakes and hurt people and mess up. I think askme can sound a little harsh sometimes just because frequent posters have seen these questions and situations a lot and the statistics usually don't end well.
BUT, there's a difference between theoretical and practical. Theoretically, you should break up with A , it's the kindest thing to do to let him start moving on. Theoretically, I would agree with others that you should not immediately continue things with B. BUT practically, humans have emotions and passion and it is very likely you won't want to do this or do it.
SO if you are going to continue with B: take it slow, talk about things a lot, and be honest with yourself that the "rush" will wear off since B will no longer be "everything A's not". Take your time. I feel for you, because giddy love is hard to control. But you have plenty of time to move in and other stuff. Take your time with B.
posted by nakedmolerats at 4:05 PM on June 10, 2015 [5 favorites]
BUT, there's a difference between theoretical and practical. Theoretically, you should break up with A , it's the kindest thing to do to let him start moving on. Theoretically, I would agree with others that you should not immediately continue things with B. BUT practically, humans have emotions and passion and it is very likely you won't want to do this or do it.
SO if you are going to continue with B: take it slow, talk about things a lot, and be honest with yourself that the "rush" will wear off since B will no longer be "everything A's not". Take your time. I feel for you, because giddy love is hard to control. But you have plenty of time to move in and other stuff. Take your time with B.
posted by nakedmolerats at 4:05 PM on June 10, 2015 [5 favorites]
I think almost everyone here is putting the cart before the horse. The first step isn't to figure out who to break up with, but instead to come clean with your partner and let him know what you did and what you've been going through. Once it's all out in the open, then the two of you can begin to have some real discussions about your relationship.
I know you've tried to talk to him many times before without any luck, but this is a very important moment, and the decisions you two make now will potentially affect the rest of your lives, so I think it's prudent to try to talk to him one last time before you make your final decision.
posted by sam_harms at 5:46 PM on June 10, 2015
I know you've tried to talk to him many times before without any luck, but this is a very important moment, and the decisions you two make now will potentially affect the rest of your lives, so I think it's prudent to try to talk to him one last time before you make your final decision.
posted by sam_harms at 5:46 PM on June 10, 2015
The OP said, "now both A and B know what's going on and are suffering while I swing back and forth."
posted by jaguar at 6:00 PM on June 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by jaguar at 6:00 PM on June 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
The OP said, "now both A and B know what's going on and are suffering while I swing back and forth."
Ok, yeah, I see it at the bottom there now. That really surprises me though, because he doesn't seem to be really understanding the situation. I mean, you purposefully sought out a new relationship, and lied to him about it for several months. I'm not casting judgment on whether that was right or wrong, but I would think that hearing that would provoke a stronger reaction than 'we've built so much together, and I would be heartbroken if you left me'. Are you sure he really understood what happened? Did you two spend any time talking about what events led up to it? Have you discussed the problems in your relationship that made seeking out a new relationship attractive to you? Has there been any discussion about what things would need to change in order for you two to stay together? You've been together 6 years, and now your relationship is at a crisis point. It's time for a real conversation about your relationship.
But...maybe you two are simply incapable of that. Maybe you're not ready to be totally honest with him. And even if you could be totally honest, it doesn't sound like he'd be capable of really hearing you. Things are really broken between you two, and it would take a lot of focus, deep thought, and commitment to fix it. Realistically, are either of you ready to do that?
posted by sam_harms at 7:28 PM on June 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
Ok, yeah, I see it at the bottom there now. That really surprises me though, because he doesn't seem to be really understanding the situation. I mean, you purposefully sought out a new relationship, and lied to him about it for several months. I'm not casting judgment on whether that was right or wrong, but I would think that hearing that would provoke a stronger reaction than 'we've built so much together, and I would be heartbroken if you left me'. Are you sure he really understood what happened? Did you two spend any time talking about what events led up to it? Have you discussed the problems in your relationship that made seeking out a new relationship attractive to you? Has there been any discussion about what things would need to change in order for you two to stay together? You've been together 6 years, and now your relationship is at a crisis point. It's time for a real conversation about your relationship.
But...maybe you two are simply incapable of that. Maybe you're not ready to be totally honest with him. And even if you could be totally honest, it doesn't sound like he'd be capable of really hearing you. Things are really broken between you two, and it would take a lot of focus, deep thought, and commitment to fix it. Realistically, are either of you ready to do that?
posted by sam_harms at 7:28 PM on June 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
As these kinds of situations go, this one is relatively 'easy':
1. Dump A. Yeah, you'll miss him etc, but it seems obvious by your words and actions that you've moved on. Humans have this tendency to want to have their cake and eat it, too, and I think that's mostly what you're feeling here. Because as you wrote yourself:
2. Stick with B and see how it goes. B might simply be "the right guy at the right time" / a transitional relationship. But maybe not. In any event, enjoy being with B for as long as it's good for you.
3. Forgive yourself for cheating on your boyfriend. Yeah, you feel bad, but as sins go, this is like, you die and go to Hell, and they make you stand in a bucket of cold water for an hour. Seriously: it doesn't get talked about much here, but it is not uncommon for people to 'transition out' of a relationship by 'cheating'. Sure, maybe that's not the best way to handle it - but if it helps you forgive yourself, maybe think of it as a learning experience and try not to do it again?
posted by doctor tough love at 9:52 PM on June 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
1. Dump A. Yeah, you'll miss him etc, but it seems obvious by your words and actions that you've moved on. Humans have this tendency to want to have their cake and eat it, too, and I think that's mostly what you're feeling here. Because as you wrote yourself:
... I am always the one who has to initiate contact, it feels like my desire and enthusiasm for him are not equally reciprocated ... I feel more like a mother to him than a girlfriend, as I have to motivate him (or nag him) constantly to do his own schoolwork, to clean up his living space, and to do many other basic tasks ... this entire year, he has been living off student loans and has not applied for any jobs ... he has no savings whatsoever, so I have been supporting him financially in direct and indirect ways ... he has become addicted to computer games and the internet and does not give me the attention or physical affection that I long for.This is not a relationship that has a future. And I don't say this lightly: you are probably doing him a favor, long term, by leaving and forcing him to develop some of these basic life skills that he currently lacks.
2. Stick with B and see how it goes. B might simply be "the right guy at the right time" / a transitional relationship. But maybe not. In any event, enjoy being with B for as long as it's good for you.
3. Forgive yourself for cheating on your boyfriend. Yeah, you feel bad, but as sins go, this is like, you die and go to Hell, and they make you stand in a bucket of cold water for an hour. Seriously: it doesn't get talked about much here, but it is not uncommon for people to 'transition out' of a relationship by 'cheating'. Sure, maybe that's not the best way to handle it - but if it helps you forgive yourself, maybe think of it as a learning experience and try not to do it again?
posted by doctor tough love at 9:52 PM on June 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'm going to be the lone voice of dissent here and say that I don't believe it's morally okay to leave A. You say you love him, you made the choice to be with him--no one forced you! , and I believe that you have a moral obligation to honor that.
If you go to B and he has some other habit that bothers you, are you going to leave him for C and C for D and on and on?
Attachment is, on an emotional level, permanent, no matter how much we try to deny it. This is why you're finding it so hard to leave A in the first place.
posted by Violet Hour at 11:28 PM on June 10, 2015
If you go to B and he has some other habit that bothers you, are you going to leave him for C and C for D and on and on?
Attachment is, on an emotional level, permanent, no matter how much we try to deny it. This is why you're finding it so hard to leave A in the first place.
posted by Violet Hour at 11:28 PM on June 10, 2015
No one is obligated to stay in a relationship that is not working. You are free to quit a job, move from a country, leave a faith, and end a relationship. Love is not slavery.
Recognizing when something is over is not a failure. Leaving is more respectful and loving than cheating.
Leaving does not mean you wIll always leave or that you are incapable of long-term commitment. Most happily long-term married people had at least one prior relationship.
posted by heatherann at 4:59 AM on June 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
Recognizing when something is over is not a failure. Leaving is more respectful and loving than cheating.
Leaving does not mean you wIll always leave or that you are incapable of long-term commitment. Most happily long-term married people had at least one prior relationship.
posted by heatherann at 4:59 AM on June 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
I was absolutely not pointing fingers or saying you are a bad person for having an affair. I was saying that the affair is strong evidence that your relationship to A cannot be salvaged. It is in its death throes, like it or not. Further, the odds are very high that you are overestimating how well B meets your needs. B almost cettainly meets needs A cannot meet, needs that have been long neglected. So, of course, at the moment, it feels deeply satisfying and wonderful because "there is no spice like hunger." The fact that they each meet different needs but neither is capable of meeting all of your relationship needs on his own is almost certainly why you are having trouble choosing.
The problem is that sometimes an affair stabilizes a dysfunctional primary relationship. So now that you are no longer starving so bad, it is easier to put up with A and take care of things for him that you feel obligated to take care of. But, now that they both know, you won't be able to remain stuck in limbo. I spent a lot years stuck in limbo. It was torture. It is not a desirable place to be. So being forced to make a decision is probably for the best.
I do have encouraging news. About three months after my husband physically moved out, my desperate need for attention from someone else magically disappeared. The relationship had been bleeding me emotionally and other men had been my source of transfusions so I could keep limping along in this vampiric situation. So I am betting that if you leave A, it will not be long before you feel less desperate for attention and emotional support from B.
The other thing that happened during my divorce: The first man I became emotionally attached to was very much the opposite of my husband in terms of my husband was not emotionally expressive and this man was very gushy. I initially ate that up because I was emotionally starved. But it wasn't long before I found his gushiness too much and it quickly became grating.
So I will further bet that once A is out of the picture, B's charm will quickly wear thin. Once you get some deficit resolved, you will likely realize he is not really well suited for a long term relationship. This is probably the dynamic that causes most affairs to end within a year after the primary relationship ends.
I will add that people tend to assume that affairs kill the primary relationship. But research suggests that cause and effect relationship runs the other direction: Relationships in their death throes lead to affairs and then the affair becomes the catalyst for finally leaving.
Best of luck.
posted by Michele in California at 9:36 AM on June 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
The problem is that sometimes an affair stabilizes a dysfunctional primary relationship. So now that you are no longer starving so bad, it is easier to put up with A and take care of things for him that you feel obligated to take care of. But, now that they both know, you won't be able to remain stuck in limbo. I spent a lot years stuck in limbo. It was torture. It is not a desirable place to be. So being forced to make a decision is probably for the best.
I do have encouraging news. About three months after my husband physically moved out, my desperate need for attention from someone else magically disappeared. The relationship had been bleeding me emotionally and other men had been my source of transfusions so I could keep limping along in this vampiric situation. So I am betting that if you leave A, it will not be long before you feel less desperate for attention and emotional support from B.
The other thing that happened during my divorce: The first man I became emotionally attached to was very much the opposite of my husband in terms of my husband was not emotionally expressive and this man was very gushy. I initially ate that up because I was emotionally starved. But it wasn't long before I found his gushiness too much and it quickly became grating.
So I will further bet that once A is out of the picture, B's charm will quickly wear thin. Once you get some deficit resolved, you will likely realize he is not really well suited for a long term relationship. This is probably the dynamic that causes most affairs to end within a year after the primary relationship ends.
I will add that people tend to assume that affairs kill the primary relationship. But research suggests that cause and effect relationship runs the other direction: Relationships in their death throes lead to affairs and then the affair becomes the catalyst for finally leaving.
Best of luck.
posted by Michele in California at 9:36 AM on June 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
It's hard to break away from a relationship that's not working. It sounds like it's time to break it off with your first boyfriend. He is not able to give you what you need and it's good that you have perspective on what you need. You sound like you're really young. Breaking up with the person you first loved is incredibly hard and for me, that was a defining period of growth and change for me in my life. A lot of good things emerged out of the devastation I felt, ultimately, with time and a lot of pain.
You are probably likely to take this with a grain of salt - because I would have if I was your age and in your situation - but your relationship with the new guy is likely not to work out. The foundation you built with him was based on a lie and on unfulfilled needs and I think it's hard to overstate how difficult it is to build a loving and trusting relationship from scratch if that's your starting point.
Being alone is probably the most painful sounding option at this point and would probably be the most painful option. It would probably also be what's most likely to give you the opportunity for introspection and growth and self definition that will enable you to have a healthy relationship in the past.
I'm speaking from experience. I was head over heels in love with my first boyfriend, who I met when I was 18 and was in a four year relationship with. It was similar in that we were sort of a crutch for each other and he also had a lot of wonderful qualities. He cheated on me and had a short relationship with another woman. Unlike you, I ended up lobbying for us to get back together and we were together several more years. When we finally broke up it was very important to me to have a clean break on good terms and it was very intentional and I felt, and was, extremely alone and able to process the grief of breaking up with him and see our relationship for what it was. Because I wasn't involved for with anyone at the time. It was the most painful thing that could have happened and wonderful for me. I eased back into dating over the next few years and had a few short relationships, which I went into with a lot more clarity about what I wanted and I am now in a really wonderful relationship which is characteristically different in really important ways due to the fact that I had an opportunity to grow and reflect. Anyway, so what I am saying is that that's just about the hardest thing to give yourself - sort of the open acceptance of pain that forces us to grow - but if you do, do that, by which I guess I mean choosing to be alone and sort your life out - it will pay wonderful dividends and probably change your life in ways you can't expect.
If you're in your early twenties, you're at a critical period in terms of coming into your own and learning who you are. You should take that opportunity.
posted by mermily at 8:29 PM on June 11, 2015
You are probably likely to take this with a grain of salt - because I would have if I was your age and in your situation - but your relationship with the new guy is likely not to work out. The foundation you built with him was based on a lie and on unfulfilled needs and I think it's hard to overstate how difficult it is to build a loving and trusting relationship from scratch if that's your starting point.
Being alone is probably the most painful sounding option at this point and would probably be the most painful option. It would probably also be what's most likely to give you the opportunity for introspection and growth and self definition that will enable you to have a healthy relationship in the past.
I'm speaking from experience. I was head over heels in love with my first boyfriend, who I met when I was 18 and was in a four year relationship with. It was similar in that we were sort of a crutch for each other and he also had a lot of wonderful qualities. He cheated on me and had a short relationship with another woman. Unlike you, I ended up lobbying for us to get back together and we were together several more years. When we finally broke up it was very important to me to have a clean break on good terms and it was very intentional and I felt, and was, extremely alone and able to process the grief of breaking up with him and see our relationship for what it was. Because I wasn't involved for with anyone at the time. It was the most painful thing that could have happened and wonderful for me. I eased back into dating over the next few years and had a few short relationships, which I went into with a lot more clarity about what I wanted and I am now in a really wonderful relationship which is characteristically different in really important ways due to the fact that I had an opportunity to grow and reflect. Anyway, so what I am saying is that that's just about the hardest thing to give yourself - sort of the open acceptance of pain that forces us to grow - but if you do, do that, by which I guess I mean choosing to be alone and sort your life out - it will pay wonderful dividends and probably change your life in ways you can't expect.
If you're in your early twenties, you're at a critical period in terms of coming into your own and learning who you are. You should take that opportunity.
posted by mermily at 8:29 PM on June 11, 2015
I don't think you should be with either of these people because you haven't been honest with either of them. It is one thing to meet another person when your original relationship is coming to an end but quite another to pretend to be single and go on a dating site actively looking to cheat. I don't think either relationship will survive this. Dump A, dump B, enjoy your singledom, find yourself, resolve never to cheat again and then go forwards, meet C and live happily ever after!
posted by intensitymultiply at 1:02 PM on June 12, 2015
posted by intensitymultiply at 1:02 PM on June 12, 2015
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The standard Mefi advice for this type of situation is that you should break up with A and not pursue things with B until you have been single and "worked on yourself" for a while.
And I think that is very, very applicable here.
posted by jayder at 7:36 AM on June 10, 2015 [76 favorites]