Should I go on a second date with a guy I'm not physically attracted to?
June 7, 2015 5:05 PM   Subscribe

I just went on a first date with a guy I met online. He's funny, sweet, and nice. He paid for my drink and did not make me feel uncomfortable at all. We talked for about 2 hours and we seemed to have some common interests. I could sense that he's into me because at the end of the date, he asked me if he could see me again soon. I told him I'd have to see when I can because I have a busy week ahead.

To be completely honest, I did not find him physically attractive at all. I'm not the picky type and I do not expect the guy I date to be model material. However, I love a guy who has nice teeth and is decent looking. I'm not saying that this guy I met is super ugly, but for some reasons, I just could not see myself kissing him.

Besides the fact that there is no physical chemistry, he seems like a great guy who's also interested in a long-term relationship. I don't know if I should see him again and see if maybe the spark will grow eventually? Or should I reject him gently to avoid leading him on? Thank you for your help!
posted by missybitsy to Society & Culture (26 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
You're talking yourself into dating this guy even though it's clear you're not into it. I think it's fine to not be drooling over someone physically to begin with, but there should be a spark. Just because someone is good on paper, it doesn't mean they're right for you.
posted by shesbenevolent at 5:10 PM on June 7, 2015 [16 favorites]

I've grown attracted to people after getting to know them over time. I'm not saying this is one of those times, as sometimes you just know when you know it's not going to work physically. But if you don't know if you know, I don't think there's any harm in going out again to see if it's one of those things where sparks develop out of a friendship, or if there's just no way in the world it would work. It's okay to date to figure that question out, with possibly getting a friendship out of the deal. There's also no pressure to date to figure that question out, if you'd really rather not.
posted by SpacemanStix at 5:16 PM on June 7, 2015 [3 favorites]

There are lots of guys out there who are sweet, funny and nice. You will certainly come across one who is all those things AND physically attractive to you. This guy isn't it. There's nothing wrong with telling a guy you've had one date with that you did not feel a spark with him. Happens all the time. Move on.
posted by rivtintin at 5:18 PM on June 7, 2015 [4 favorites]

I've definitely had attraction grow. I'd try at least another date.
posted by sweetkid at 5:23 PM on June 7, 2015 [7 favorites]

Think of dating as trying on shoes. Would you buy the shoes if they were nice but not comfortable? Do you feel like you have to buy every single shoe in the store that you try on? Would the shoes feel bad because you didn't buy them?

Why do you feel like you have to fit your feet into shoes that aren't comfortable to you? They have to both look good and feel great. And by look good, I mean fit you.

I know that people are not shoes, but so many times people try to squeak their toes into a great pair that looks good, but it hurts. Don't do that to yourself, find a guy who is a comfortable leather that expands to fit you and your personality, someone you can grow with.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 5:23 PM on June 7, 2015 [9 favorites]

There is also the possibility of growing a quality friendship not based on dating, attractiveness, etc. If he can accept having a good friend without prospect of romance, why deprive yourself of another good person in your life?
posted by scottymac at 5:51 PM on June 7, 2015

It sounds like you not only don't find him attractive, you're a little repulsed by him. If so, I don't think there's a way of turning that around.
posted by cotton dress sock at 5:52 PM on June 7, 2015 [9 favorites]

Do not see him again. Do not lead him on.
posted by falsedmitri at 6:00 PM on June 7, 2015 [13 favorites]

I've gone on that second date and wished I had listened to my gut.
posted by cecic at 6:07 PM on June 7, 2015 [8 favorites]

There is something to be said for attraction growing when you start of sort of neutral about a person, but in this case it sounds like you find him actively unattractive. Would you want someone to go on a second pity date with you under these circumstances? I'm guessing not. Move on, and more importantly let him move on without getting more invested.
posted by rainbowbrite at 6:39 PM on June 7, 2015 [5 favorites]

Just save yourself some time and don't date him again. You're not attracted to him, period. While he may be friendship material it's quite obvious that he's not interested in being friends at this point and time. You could ask him if he wants to be just friends but it would be confusing and annoying in this context.
posted by Nevin at 6:51 PM on June 7, 2015 [1 favorite]

It'd be different if you were saying, "This person isn't really my usual type, and I don't know if I find him that physically attractive, but there's something about him. I just kinda want to kiss him even though I can't figure out why." Go on dates with people you want to kiss.
posted by Meg_Murry at 7:08 PM on June 7, 2015 [10 favorites]

nuuuuupe, send him on his way. "Didn't make me feel uncomfortable at all" is like, the bar you expect LITERALLY EVERY OTHER HUMAN to be able to clear. Keep your dating standards slightly higher than your standards for your bank teller, and you won't regret it.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 7:13 PM on June 7, 2015 [15 favorites]

You're actually the opposite of attracted to this guy, which is not "not attracted" but actually "repulsed." Attraction won't grow in those circumstances and you should not continue to date this guy.
posted by J. Wilson at 7:21 PM on June 7, 2015 [3 favorites]

I think when it comes to dating, you want to fail early and fail often. There are 3.5 billion men in this world, you'll eventually find someone funny, sweet, nice, into you AND cute. Trust me.
posted by Floydd at 7:23 PM on June 7, 2015 [3 favorites]

Should I go on a second date with a guy I'm not physically attracted to?

No. Just turn him down nicely. This is what adults do.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 7:48 PM on June 7, 2015 [1 favorite]

I never used to believe in this kind of thing, but I went on a third date with someone I wasn't attracted to - I went simply because he was sooo into me, and so polite and smart and (insert other "good on paper" qualities) and on the third date I ended up falling for him like a ton of bricks and was madly in love with him after that. So now I always tell my friends to go on a second, or even a third, date with a guy if everything but the spark is in place.
posted by Guinevere at 8:04 PM on June 7, 2015 [7 favorites]

I'm a straight man, and I've had attraction gradually develop.

But you're not just saying you're not quite attracted to him yet.

You're saying you're repulsed by him — you cannot imagine kissing him.

If I were in his position and I knew you felt that way about me, I would not want to waste my time or money going on a date with you.
posted by John Cohen at 8:10 PM on June 7, 2015 [1 favorite]

No. Don't go on dates with guys whose pictures you do not find at least somewhat attractive, and do not go on second dates with guys you don't find attractive in person. You are not a horrible person for saying no.
posted by Fuego at 8:29 PM on June 7, 2015 [1 favorite]

Yes, dating someone you have no interest in ever being physically intimate with is pretty much the definition of leading someone on. If you're asking if you might develop attraction to him after prolonged exposure – maybe? But what if you don't? How long do you wait to find out if your feelings are going to change?

That also brings up the question of what you mean by attraction. In your use, are you saying you dislike his body, but think he's a swell guy? Or is this a little from column A, a little from column B? Of course, it's inevitable that your perceptions of a person are going to vary as you get to know them. But I'm inclined to believe that raw physical attraction is a mechanism of our lower brains, the dumb animalistic part that is responsible for weeding out unsuitable mates, and therefore not really subject to change. You're probably not going to will your fish-brain into thinking that poor dental hygiene isn't a universal signifier of poor health, for example.
posted by deathpanels at 8:32 PM on June 7, 2015

Some people grow into love and take awhile to fall for someone. And some of us know "yes or no" right off the bat. Which type are you? Have you changed your mind about a guy for the better after multiple dates, or has that never worked for you? Do you usually know right off the bat if you want to boink a guy or not? Threads like this are a perpetual argument between the show-ers and the grow-ers* because the growers can spend a lot of time and find themselves changing their minds and everything goes lovely, and the show-ers uh... can run into trouble.

* yeah, I went dirty, go with it.

I am a show-er and I agree with the other show-ers: stop dating him. I love Marie Mon Dieu's shoe example, it's perfect. God knows I've learned the hard way that I cannot buy shoes unless they are walking-on-air comfort from the getgo. If they slightly rub or pinch or are too tight or anything, it never gets better and always gets worse the second I hit the pavement. In the case of men, the more you "give them a chance," the more they reasonably assume that you likey-like them back and want to have sex with them. If you don't change your mind, things can get ugly.

You're already grossed out by his teeth and don't find him attractive. If he had a sparkling personality but you're inwardly gagging at touching those teeth--just don't even keep wasting his time.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:47 PM on June 7, 2015 [1 favorite]

Good example of how a perfectly great person is right for someone else. Don't waste his time when he could be getting together with someone who might be into him. If you met online, he should realize that not all first dates will lead to a second.
posted by Pearl928 at 10:34 PM on June 7, 2015 [1 favorite]

To be completely honest, I did not find him physically attractive at all. I'm not the picky type and I do not expect the guy I date to be model material. However, I love a guy who has nice teeth and is decent looking. I'm not saying that this guy I met is super ugly, but for some reasons, I just could not see myself kissing him.

No. And for justification - picture the guy in question reading this criticism of aspects of his appearance that neither of you can change. Both of you deserve better in a partner.
posted by rongorongo at 10:57 PM on June 7, 2015 [1 favorite]

You're not a bad person for not feeling it, or for not finding him attractive, or for not going on a second date when you know it's not going anywhere.

You would be a bad person for leading him on, straight up telling him that you think he's ugly or wasting his time.

It's unlikely that he's all that invested right now. If you extend the process and then he finds out that you've been disliking his teeth all this time, he's going to be a lot more hurt. After the first date but before the second is the perfect time to let him know that you're just not feeling it. Please don't be telling him that you dislike aspects of his appearance.
posted by Solomon at 12:00 AM on June 8, 2015

Wow, "leading him on" and you would "be a bad person?" Absolutely not. I've also dated people whose appeance turned me off at first - but with a little time, that flipped and I couldn't remember why I cared about the crooked teeth or whatever oddity. People really can take time - more than a few hours even - to grow attracted to one another. About the teeth thing, it's possible to have ugly ones despite great oral hygiene. I've had a few exes who brushed and flossed and had good breath, but brown/ crooked teeth. I had the same thoughts about their mouths, until something they said or did or how they smelled when they were close made those thoughts completely irrelevant.

All that said, you are under no obligation to date anyone for a minute longer than you want to, and you don't owe this guy anything! I would never recommended getting physically intimate with someone you're not attracted to - but agreeing to see them a second time in order to decide if you want to does not make you some kind of heartless temptress.
posted by prewar lemonade at 4:07 AM on June 8, 2015 [5 favorites]

I married the guy with the horrible teeth and the bad feet who smoked like a chimney and kissed kinda weird. But I was physically attracted to him after I got to know him.

We just celebrated 39 years together. At some point, he had the teeth pulled and got false teeth, and his feet are better. Plus he quit smoking. But the physical attraction got me through the first few months until I got to know I had not made a terrible mistake.

Your mileage may vary.
posted by Peach at 1:35 PM on June 8, 2015

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