How do I meet men now?
May 29, 2015 7:18 AM Subscribe
I'm a straight, overweight but otherwise generally considered attractive, woman in her early 40's. I got out of a LTR a year and a half ago. I am more than ready to date, but having major problems finding anyone interested :(
I am wondering if the difficulty is primarily my age now (last time I was dating I was in my mid-thirties, now I am in my early 40's), my location (last time was a couple metro locations on the West coast, now I am in suburban Maryland), and/or that dating, especially meeting online, has changed in the last few years.
I'm fully ready to date, not being held back by my last relationship or breakup at all.
I'm doing the same kind of things as I have done in the past (have multiple profiles on dating sites, have become involved in activities I am interested in in my new community, such as gaming and performing music), but am attracting zero interest this time around. I've been optimistic for many months, but now I'm starting to wonder why absolutely no one is romantically interested in me. I am sensual, kind, creative, intelligent, and all sorts of other good adjectives. I'm shy but I actively push myself to meet people, including sometimes initiating conversations or messages. In fact, the last time I did this was actually the impetus for posting this question, because the guy I initiated conversation with actually asked me to critique his profile so he could better attract women! Oof.
I've been overweight my entire adult life, and that used to be the major sticking point in dating, but I could still find men who were interested, and dated quite a bit, including several LTRs. I have lost a small amount of weight in recent months, and am actually thinner than when my ex fell for me, but it's rough going and I doubt it is possible for me to be actually thin, and even if it is I don't want to wait until I am thinner to have another meaningful relationship, let alone just go out and have fun with a member of the opposite sex!
I'm an atheist, so certain venues, such as church or e-harmony, wouldn't be appropriate for me.
I've noticed that the dating sites I used to have success on have become less viable... Some of them now require payment in order to do anything meaningful, which heretofore I haven't tried, but I'm willing if someone tells me a particular site is worth it. I get frequent "x wants to meet you" messages from Plenty of Fish, but when I look at the profiles they are without exception extremely unattractive (close to illiterate, utterly incompatible worldviews, etc) to the extent that I believe these messages of interest are just random clicks by desperate men who never read my profile. Ditto the few messages I receive on Okcupid. Craigslist, where I met two men who ended up becoming boyfriends in years past, has also become a wasteland of cut and paste generic nothingness.
I haven't done the meetup thing this time around. I'm willing, but found them to be a waste of time in previous years; often people wouldn't even show up at all, and even if a handful did show up, it seems like the numbers game that is attraction would be better played on a busier field.
To throw an additional wrench in the proceedings, I have some shall we say alternative sexual preferences. It's not absolutely necessary that I find someone who shares these, but it would be nice. One of the former sites related to this interest has shut down, one has become pay, and one abruptly changed domain names (and it's clear many folks haven't found the new site). I never found "munches" to be a viable venue to meet guys (the small number I attended on the West coast only included creepers and attached guys). I'd be willing to try again, but none seem to exist where I currently live. I suppose I could travel to DC or Baltimore to attend one; I don't have anyone to go with this time round, though, and am unsure how safe or comfortable I'd feel.
Sooooo anyway, I am interested in feedback ranging from specific suggestions on meeting appropriate men, as well as opinions on why my experience has been so different this go-round... do I need to move (again, sigh)? Am I past my dating expiration date?
I am wondering if the difficulty is primarily my age now (last time I was dating I was in my mid-thirties, now I am in my early 40's), my location (last time was a couple metro locations on the West coast, now I am in suburban Maryland), and/or that dating, especially meeting online, has changed in the last few years.
I'm fully ready to date, not being held back by my last relationship or breakup at all.
I'm doing the same kind of things as I have done in the past (have multiple profiles on dating sites, have become involved in activities I am interested in in my new community, such as gaming and performing music), but am attracting zero interest this time around. I've been optimistic for many months, but now I'm starting to wonder why absolutely no one is romantically interested in me. I am sensual, kind, creative, intelligent, and all sorts of other good adjectives. I'm shy but I actively push myself to meet people, including sometimes initiating conversations or messages. In fact, the last time I did this was actually the impetus for posting this question, because the guy I initiated conversation with actually asked me to critique his profile so he could better attract women! Oof.
I've been overweight my entire adult life, and that used to be the major sticking point in dating, but I could still find men who were interested, and dated quite a bit, including several LTRs. I have lost a small amount of weight in recent months, and am actually thinner than when my ex fell for me, but it's rough going and I doubt it is possible for me to be actually thin, and even if it is I don't want to wait until I am thinner to have another meaningful relationship, let alone just go out and have fun with a member of the opposite sex!
I'm an atheist, so certain venues, such as church or e-harmony, wouldn't be appropriate for me.
I've noticed that the dating sites I used to have success on have become less viable... Some of them now require payment in order to do anything meaningful, which heretofore I haven't tried, but I'm willing if someone tells me a particular site is worth it. I get frequent "x wants to meet you" messages from Plenty of Fish, but when I look at the profiles they are without exception extremely unattractive (close to illiterate, utterly incompatible worldviews, etc) to the extent that I believe these messages of interest are just random clicks by desperate men who never read my profile. Ditto the few messages I receive on Okcupid. Craigslist, where I met two men who ended up becoming boyfriends in years past, has also become a wasteland of cut and paste generic nothingness.
I haven't done the meetup thing this time around. I'm willing, but found them to be a waste of time in previous years; often people wouldn't even show up at all, and even if a handful did show up, it seems like the numbers game that is attraction would be better played on a busier field.
To throw an additional wrench in the proceedings, I have some shall we say alternative sexual preferences. It's not absolutely necessary that I find someone who shares these, but it would be nice. One of the former sites related to this interest has shut down, one has become pay, and one abruptly changed domain names (and it's clear many folks haven't found the new site). I never found "munches" to be a viable venue to meet guys (the small number I attended on the West coast only included creepers and attached guys). I'd be willing to try again, but none seem to exist where I currently live. I suppose I could travel to DC or Baltimore to attend one; I don't have anyone to go with this time round, though, and am unsure how safe or comfortable I'd feel.
Sooooo anyway, I am interested in feedback ranging from specific suggestions on meeting appropriate men, as well as opinions on why my experience has been so different this go-round... do I need to move (again, sigh)? Am I past my dating expiration date?
I don't think anyone on this site can really tell you why your experience has been so different this go-round. Basically, you're asking a question that is almost unanswerable by a bunch of random internet strangers. I could tell you that I just moved to the West Coast from the DC area and have been finding it easier to find men who are interested in me (a moderately overweight early 30-something). I could say something about maybe early forties being a time when a lot of people are matched up with SOs. I could tell you that you'll meet someone if you keep putting yourself out there and not to feel frustrated - there is no such thing as a "dating expiration date". All those statements have some general truth to them. However, I think it would be more useful to tell you to stop asking why, if you can. It's just not a super useful exercise in my mind. You're feeling frustrated, and that's fine and understandable. I think what would be most useful is to acknowledge that there is only a certain amount of this situation that you can control, and you are currently controlling it as much as you can by putting yourself out there. Other than that, my best advice is just to try the most you can to find some other things to put your energy into. Life is too short to sit around wondering why you're single.
posted by cielgris at 7:35 AM on May 29, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by cielgris at 7:35 AM on May 29, 2015 [5 favorites]
If you're not interested in children or something long term, date younger men, like early 30s.
posted by sweetkid at 7:42 AM on May 29, 2015
posted by sweetkid at 7:42 AM on May 29, 2015
I have some shall we say alternative sexual preferences.
FetLife. And keep going to munches; if you're a straight woman you will find someone. Especially if you are a top/dominant.
posted by desjardins at 7:45 AM on May 29, 2015 [8 favorites]
FetLife. And keep going to munches; if you're a straight woman you will find someone. Especially if you are a top/dominant.
posted by desjardins at 7:45 AM on May 29, 2015 [8 favorites]
Yeah, all I can tell you is that from what you've wrote, you're doing ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong. I'm in the exact same boat, the same age, in the Boston area. People have been telling me that I'm awesome, even lovely, for my entire adult life. I went to a therapist years ago who kept chiding me for not going out on dates more, and I said "I try to strike up conversations with men online, and they don't answer, what am I supposed to do?" (I also work with a hundred male engineers, you'd think at least one would be my age and single, but no.)
You are accurate in your assessment of how a lot of places like Craigslist have become wastelands. Basically, the rule of thumb is if it's free, it's crap. I just re-activated my free okcupid profile and get tons of "hey babe!"s from inappropriate people. And my paid Match profile, linked above and Metafilter-approved, gets absolutely nothing.
The only answer I can give you is don't give up, keep trying, sorry.
posted by Melismata at 7:48 AM on May 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
You are accurate in your assessment of how a lot of places like Craigslist have become wastelands. Basically, the rule of thumb is if it's free, it's crap. I just re-activated my free okcupid profile and get tons of "hey babe!"s from inappropriate people. And my paid Match profile, linked above and Metafilter-approved, gets absolutely nothing.
The only answer I can give you is don't give up, keep trying, sorry.
posted by Melismata at 7:48 AM on May 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
I haven't tried online dating yet (building up to it, ok), but when you meet people in person, age is secondary to the overall impressions you and whoever make upon each other, ime, whatever people imagine they prefer when they make their profile on a website. Whereas with online dating, it's a filter, right off the bat. I know it's hard to find time, but I think it's worth making the effort to go out and engage in activities you enjoy.
posted by cotton dress sock at 8:12 AM on May 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by cotton dress sock at 8:12 AM on May 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
What happens when you perform music? I've met/gotten interest from a lot of guys that way, and I'm not even good at it.
posted by sweetkid at 8:14 AM on May 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by sweetkid at 8:14 AM on May 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
Do you have friends -- friends that you like? They will have other friends, who will have other friends. Put this network to use, and start having parties. Dinner parties, casual beer-in-the-yard parties, anything. You will probably get sad things with three guests the first few times. Persist, keep on with it. Eventually you will have successful parties. You will also find yourself being invited to parties.
I (40) have enjoyed the hell out of meeting new people this way. People enjoy going to parties and they enjoy bringing their friends to them, and since they are friends-of-friends they are generally nicely pre-vetted and can be assumed to be decent, interesting people with some things in common with you. Even if you don't meet a great dating partner, it is worthwhile just to expand/improve your social circles.
It's not your age; when I finally got it in my head to date not that long ago after a long stint of being happily single, I had quite a lot of choice. I peeked at on-line dating and did not see much by way of compatible stuff. It was an old friend of an old friend who turned out to be a lovely match, and the way to meet him was to just start socializing more...
posted by kmennie at 8:18 AM on May 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
I (40) have enjoyed the hell out of meeting new people this way. People enjoy going to parties and they enjoy bringing their friends to them, and since they are friends-of-friends they are generally nicely pre-vetted and can be assumed to be decent, interesting people with some things in common with you. Even if you don't meet a great dating partner, it is worthwhile just to expand/improve your social circles.
It's not your age; when I finally got it in my head to date not that long ago after a long stint of being happily single, I had quite a lot of choice. I peeked at on-line dating and did not see much by way of compatible stuff. It was an old friend of an old friend who turned out to be a lovely match, and the way to meet him was to just start socializing more...
posted by kmennie at 8:18 AM on May 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
I've noticed that the dating sites I used to have success on have become less viable... Some of them now require payment in order to do anything meaningful, which heretofore I haven't tried, but I'm willing if someone tells me a particular site is worth it.
You might want to consider paying for one of the more popular sites such as Match.com or the like. They generally have a larger pool to pick from and the payment factor can filter out a lot of non-serious people.
posted by incolorinred at 8:26 AM on May 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
You might want to consider paying for one of the more popular sites such as Match.com or the like. They generally have a larger pool to pick from and the payment factor can filter out a lot of non-serious people.
posted by incolorinred at 8:26 AM on May 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
I agree with kmennie. Mostly. Online, it can, sadly, be your age. Anecdotally, when I was a 39 year old guy going through a divorce and without a lot of direction or clarity in what I was looking for I had a lot of views and interest in my dating profile (OKC). When I got online again at 40 with more intention I saw my number of views drop about in half. At age 41, when I was in a place to have real lasting relationship, it halved again.
My personal view is that the way online dating puts age front and center makes it a much bigger factor than it is in face to face interactions. Most sites ask people to specify a target range. Most people choose round numbers. Most people don't update their numbers by a year when they themselves get a year older. 39 or 40 are highly likely filter/range numbers. And that's all without addressing the fact that guys as a group are shallow and keep aiming younger the older they get.
With all that said, I briefly dated a woman in her mid 40's last year who was pretty dispirited by those same revelations. As it turned out, after a year of profound frustration (e-harmony literally told her she was too old and highly educated to have any matches within 100 miles) she also met the guy she is still seeing at about that same time and they are quite the cute couple. So, perseverance, and keep social offline to keep your sanity.
posted by meinvt at 8:41 AM on May 29, 2015 [9 favorites]
My personal view is that the way online dating puts age front and center makes it a much bigger factor than it is in face to face interactions. Most sites ask people to specify a target range. Most people choose round numbers. Most people don't update their numbers by a year when they themselves get a year older. 39 or 40 are highly likely filter/range numbers. And that's all without addressing the fact that guys as a group are shallow and keep aiming younger the older they get.
With all that said, I briefly dated a woman in her mid 40's last year who was pretty dispirited by those same revelations. As it turned out, after a year of profound frustration (e-harmony literally told her she was too old and highly educated to have any matches within 100 miles) she also met the guy she is still seeing at about that same time and they are quite the cute couple. So, perseverance, and keep social offline to keep your sanity.
posted by meinvt at 8:41 AM on May 29, 2015 [9 favorites]
I am 40 and recently-ish got out of a LTR. Like you, I'm atheist, used to live in a large city, and now am in a smaller one.
To reiterate what people have said already: if you are open to it, younger men. I have gotten lots of interest and attention from men in their 30s and even younger (!).
Good luck! :)
posted by methroach at 8:42 AM on May 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
To reiterate what people have said already: if you are open to it, younger men. I have gotten lots of interest and attention from men in their 30s and even younger (!).
Good luck! :)
posted by methroach at 8:42 AM on May 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
FetLife is the main online place you should be looking for fellow kinky people. The Cruicible is working on reopening in DC.
You mention the people that message you on OKC but are you sending messages out? To be honest, you're not the ideal that most guys are looking for, but there's also a good number of men that are honest with themselves that they're not really in the market for a skinny 22 year old and would be delighted to have someone sensual, kind, and creative reach out to them. There will be a pretty high rejection rate, but that's just what it's like for all but the most desirable people in online dating.
posted by Candleman at 8:45 AM on May 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
You mention the people that message you on OKC but are you sending messages out? To be honest, you're not the ideal that most guys are looking for, but there's also a good number of men that are honest with themselves that they're not really in the market for a skinny 22 year old and would be delighted to have someone sensual, kind, and creative reach out to them. There will be a pretty high rejection rate, but that's just what it's like for all but the most desirable people in online dating.
posted by Candleman at 8:45 AM on May 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
"Patience" is never something that feels good to advise, and no one likes hearing it. But... patience and persistence are kind of natural fits with how we test the waters.
FetLife has already been mentioned. There are also lots of events like Folsom and Dore Alley where you might be able to find a new, kinkier running crew (and there are analogues in DC and NYC, so check out MAL and the like if you're interested--primariyl gay, but no reason not to meet other people of your ilk, since people know people and people like to introduce people). I'm always amazed at how differently people behave around strangers when they've been introduced by acquaintances in sort of a group setting rather than through a one-on-one meet-up after an online match. Both are perfectly valid, but people seem to be more themselves when in a human, face-to-face, group/public setting.
Two of our friends who kinda fit your profile (especially in the 'ugh I just don't know how to date anymore, how do I do this' department) have been surprised in the last year or so by meeting guys they quite like, both through very random means. One: found the guy's card sticking out of the ATM machine, jogged down the block to return it, smiles and numbers were shared, they've been dating for a few months; two: gave another woman an emergency tampon at an outdoor food cart venue, emergency girl introduced her to her table of friends as her savior, she met like ten new neat people all at once, really hit it off with one guy, they joke about how they met because of a tampon. So: reminder to be a kind human being, I guess? We tend to forget how, pre-internet, we really did meet people through happenstance and a willingness to connect. It feels very grandmotherly of me to say this, but: you never know who's around the corner, y'know?
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 8:51 AM on May 29, 2015 [10 favorites]
FetLife has already been mentioned. There are also lots of events like Folsom and Dore Alley where you might be able to find a new, kinkier running crew (and there are analogues in DC and NYC, so check out MAL and the like if you're interested--primariyl gay, but no reason not to meet other people of your ilk, since people know people and people like to introduce people). I'm always amazed at how differently people behave around strangers when they've been introduced by acquaintances in sort of a group setting rather than through a one-on-one meet-up after an online match. Both are perfectly valid, but people seem to be more themselves when in a human, face-to-face, group/public setting.
Two of our friends who kinda fit your profile (especially in the 'ugh I just don't know how to date anymore, how do I do this' department) have been surprised in the last year or so by meeting guys they quite like, both through very random means. One: found the guy's card sticking out of the ATM machine, jogged down the block to return it, smiles and numbers were shared, they've been dating for a few months; two: gave another woman an emergency tampon at an outdoor food cart venue, emergency girl introduced her to her table of friends as her savior, she met like ten new neat people all at once, really hit it off with one guy, they joke about how they met because of a tampon. So: reminder to be a kind human being, I guess? We tend to forget how, pre-internet, we really did meet people through happenstance and a willingness to connect. It feels very grandmotherly of me to say this, but: you never know who's around the corner, y'know?
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 8:51 AM on May 29, 2015 [10 favorites]
I just came here to say that I am an atheist as well, and I met my partner on eharmony. We are a perfect match and blissfully happy. Yes the site does skew religious and has some questionable ethics, but please don't discount it just because you believe the demographic to be entirely made up of conservative christians.
posted by sarahnicolesays at 9:21 AM on May 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by sarahnicolesays at 9:21 AM on May 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
You mention the people that message you on OKC but are you sending messages out?This. I'm 48, been dating a wonderful woman I met via OKC for 9 months. Been very active in the online-dating world for several years, so I do have some insight. OKC has lots of spammers, scammers, and general creeps who email every woman they come across. As a result, women's inboxes get filled with crap, and legit messages from guys like me who really are looking for dates get buried. I had pretty much given up trying to meet anyone that way because if it--I'd work up a great ad response, but then never hear back. It was refreshing and encouraging when I'd get an initial-contact email from a woman. Sure, some guys might be turned off by that, but you wouldn't want to date those guys anyway, right?
posted by MrMoonPie at 9:44 AM on May 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
Are you limiting the age of partners that you will consider? From my standpoint (age 68), your age seems positively young.
posted by SemiSalt at 11:14 AM on May 29, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by SemiSalt at 11:14 AM on May 29, 2015 [5 favorites]
I'm 48, overweight, Agnostic and I met my husband, 46, not so fit himself and also Agnostic on OKCupid about three... three and a half years ago. Times can't changed so much since then. My mom met her husband (granted, this was six years ago) playing Scrabble online. She, of course, is older than I am, just as overweight, and she's an Atheist.
But I don't think this about age or weight or religion. I think it's more along the lines of attitude and who you're looking at. If you're thinking and saying, "I'm too old for this" then yeah, people are gonna pick up on that and act accordingly. I'm overweight and I've got some years on me, but that doesn't make me "less than ideal" by any means. And screw the Bozos who think otherwise. I'm a great person, and anyone who doesn't see that can kiss my left toe, because I don't need them in my life. My husband adores me, and I him. And honestly, you want to write your profiles on any site (OKCupid worked for me) to attract someone who will adore you for who you are, not the flotsam and jetsam who want to "get with you" because they find you attractive in a superficial way.
posted by patheral at 12:08 PM on May 29, 2015 [4 favorites]
But I don't think this about age or weight or religion. I think it's more along the lines of attitude and who you're looking at. If you're thinking and saying, "I'm too old for this" then yeah, people are gonna pick up on that and act accordingly. I'm overweight and I've got some years on me, but that doesn't make me "less than ideal" by any means. And screw the Bozos who think otherwise. I'm a great person, and anyone who doesn't see that can kiss my left toe, because I don't need them in my life. My husband adores me, and I him. And honestly, you want to write your profiles on any site (OKCupid worked for me) to attract someone who will adore you for who you are, not the flotsam and jetsam who want to "get with you" because they find you attractive in a superficial way.
posted by patheral at 12:08 PM on May 29, 2015 [4 favorites]
Can you work the atheist angle - that is, join atheist interest groups, atheist meetups, or science-oriented outings or get-togethers? Even if you don't meet a partner this way, you will meet interesting, like-minded people who could become friends - and maybe one of them will know a single man or two to fix you up with.
I think Melnvt is right about age being a foremost filtering mechanism in online dating, which is to the detriment of people older than 40 or so. I think this is unfortunate; I wish narrow age categories weren't such a filter. I wouldn't rule out online dating entirely - I think it's just going to be a longer process. Joining one or two paid sites such as Match.com is a good idea - the fee really does seem to filter out the worst of the flakes and looky-lous.
With regard to your weight, I think that being older than 40 and looking for men the same age is a point in your favor, as men have - usually! - matured and mellowed by this age and are less swayed by what mass media and their friends think of as "hot" and are more influenced by what THEY want in a long-term partner.
Good luck, and be patient, but optimistic - many, many women over 40 of all body types have found lasting love.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 2:35 PM on May 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
I think Melnvt is right about age being a foremost filtering mechanism in online dating, which is to the detriment of people older than 40 or so. I think this is unfortunate; I wish narrow age categories weren't such a filter. I wouldn't rule out online dating entirely - I think it's just going to be a longer process. Joining one or two paid sites such as Match.com is a good idea - the fee really does seem to filter out the worst of the flakes and looky-lous.
With regard to your weight, I think that being older than 40 and looking for men the same age is a point in your favor, as men have - usually! - matured and mellowed by this age and are less swayed by what mass media and their friends think of as "hot" and are more influenced by what THEY want in a long-term partner.
Good luck, and be patient, but optimistic - many, many women over 40 of all body types have found lasting love.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 2:35 PM on May 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
You sound like a real catch and I don't know why the guys aren't responding. Not being able to see your profile complicates this. It may be that there's something in your dating profile that is turning guys away. Carefully reconsider the wording to make sure there's nothing potentially off-putting in there, and take a look at your pictures to make sure they show you at your most attractive.
FWIW, as a curvy woman with kinks, you are a highly-sought demographic. You're not meeting the right guys now for some reason, but rest assured that there are a lot of guys out there dreaming of meeting a woman like you.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 4:18 PM on May 29, 2015 [4 favorites]
FWIW, as a curvy woman with kinks, you are a highly-sought demographic. You're not meeting the right guys now for some reason, but rest assured that there are a lot of guys out there dreaming of meeting a woman like you.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 4:18 PM on May 29, 2015 [4 favorites]
I was also going to suggest "working the atheist angle" as Rosie M. Banks suggested. I met my husband online at an atheist message board. This was 15 years ago, but at that time there was much bemoaning among members of the board the lack of atheist women to date. I'm sure the situation has improved now that atheism has become more of a thing, but I wouldn't be surprised if atheist men still outnumber atheist women to some extent.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 4:27 PM on May 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 4:27 PM on May 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
You go to the munch to make friends. Friends. Normal friends. Then you meet potential partners through the new friend groups.
Have patience. Date finding in kink communities is much easier for women than men, I've found.
posted by Mistress at 1:02 AM on May 30, 2015 [4 favorites]
Have patience. Date finding in kink communities is much easier for women than men, I've found.
posted by Mistress at 1:02 AM on May 30, 2015 [4 favorites]
I am 36 and was single for about 10 years (dating casually, but no long term partner) and have probably been on about 50+ dates from online dating, and then wound up dating, and becoming engaged to a very close friend from work, so this is my general advice:
For online dating:
Make online dating a part of an overall "dating portfolio"--where you use a few sites (OKC, Match, and yes, Tinder) to get dates, that maybe will lead to relationships, but mostly will just fill time and perhaps make you feel good.
Make sure your pictures are *amazing*. One face, with you looking directly into the camera dead on and smiling (no "cheats" like duckface or holding the camera far above your face, etc) and one in a flattering, but realistic full body pose. Make sure they're recent and they show your best side without being the best picture ever taken of you. It's sexist to say, but since you're a lady looking for a man, *most* men decide based on the picture: am I attracted to her? Then they read the profile--are there any huge deal-breakers? If not, they go on a date and it's "is this person fun and easy to be with and do I feel a spark?"
You can only control so much of that, but do your best to work with what you can control: your picture, being fun to be with, and matching guys with the same interests and likes/dislikes.
Get stricter about what you're looking for but also at the same time, be more proactive about reaching out. Like, heart, wink, and even send 'hi' to guys that look cute and meet your criteria. But, get very real about what you want--what can you accept and what is a deal breaker for you. Then don't even think about approaching men who smoke, have kids, are religious (or whatever the deal breaker is).
Use Tinder (or other quick-match sites) for casual fun. I did this for a couple months and it was a lot of fun. Depends on your outlook on casual hookups, but it can boost your overall self esteem (as long as you're very real with yourself and you know exactly what to expect going in) and make you feel desirable and active.
Offline:
I agree with other commenters: your friend circle is a very likely place to meet people. Other ways might be special interest groups or Meetup, or activity groups--walking, games, sports, etc. One very, very, very valuable quote I heard that I repeat to myself when I'm feeling critical of people/experiences is "Look for a way in, not a way out." Try to connect, not find flaws and reasons why it won't work.
One thing to consider is looking within and asking yourself: what can a man bring me?
Evan Marc Katz, a dating coach I recommend and admire, says men need to feel sexy, safe, and needed or admired by a woman. So, what are you allowing a man to bring you or contribute to you? This is an often-overlooked piece of advice because it seems so retro-like, I can pay my own bills, thanks!
But I mean, do you need a rock to lean on? Do you need a champion to motivate you and challenge you to be better? Do you need a caregiver to pamper you and make you feel amazing? Ask yourself what you can do to bring your needs to the surface and radiate that uniquely feminine vulnerability that seems to really attract men (in a good way!)
For many years I said I wanted someone to "do stuff with" (like go to movies) and was hurt and angry that men stayed away long term. Then I did some work in therapy and on myself and realized: men need and want commitment, vulnerability, and deep connection as much as women do. So offer it! :)
posted by CustomoftheCountry at 12:10 PM on June 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
For online dating:
Make online dating a part of an overall "dating portfolio"--where you use a few sites (OKC, Match, and yes, Tinder) to get dates, that maybe will lead to relationships, but mostly will just fill time and perhaps make you feel good.
Make sure your pictures are *amazing*. One face, with you looking directly into the camera dead on and smiling (no "cheats" like duckface or holding the camera far above your face, etc) and one in a flattering, but realistic full body pose. Make sure they're recent and they show your best side without being the best picture ever taken of you. It's sexist to say, but since you're a lady looking for a man, *most* men decide based on the picture: am I attracted to her? Then they read the profile--are there any huge deal-breakers? If not, they go on a date and it's "is this person fun and easy to be with and do I feel a spark?"
You can only control so much of that, but do your best to work with what you can control: your picture, being fun to be with, and matching guys with the same interests and likes/dislikes.
Get stricter about what you're looking for but also at the same time, be more proactive about reaching out. Like, heart, wink, and even send 'hi' to guys that look cute and meet your criteria. But, get very real about what you want--what can you accept and what is a deal breaker for you. Then don't even think about approaching men who smoke, have kids, are religious (or whatever the deal breaker is).
Use Tinder (or other quick-match sites) for casual fun. I did this for a couple months and it was a lot of fun. Depends on your outlook on casual hookups, but it can boost your overall self esteem (as long as you're very real with yourself and you know exactly what to expect going in) and make you feel desirable and active.
Offline:
I agree with other commenters: your friend circle is a very likely place to meet people. Other ways might be special interest groups or Meetup, or activity groups--walking, games, sports, etc. One very, very, very valuable quote I heard that I repeat to myself when I'm feeling critical of people/experiences is "Look for a way in, not a way out." Try to connect, not find flaws and reasons why it won't work.
One thing to consider is looking within and asking yourself: what can a man bring me?
Evan Marc Katz, a dating coach I recommend and admire, says men need to feel sexy, safe, and needed or admired by a woman. So, what are you allowing a man to bring you or contribute to you? This is an often-overlooked piece of advice because it seems so retro-like, I can pay my own bills, thanks!
But I mean, do you need a rock to lean on? Do you need a champion to motivate you and challenge you to be better? Do you need a caregiver to pamper you and make you feel amazing? Ask yourself what you can do to bring your needs to the surface and radiate that uniquely feminine vulnerability that seems to really attract men (in a good way!)
For many years I said I wanted someone to "do stuff with" (like go to movies) and was hurt and angry that men stayed away long term. Then I did some work in therapy and on myself and realized: men need and want commitment, vulnerability, and deep connection as much as women do. So offer it! :)
posted by CustomoftheCountry at 12:10 PM on June 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
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I don't think you have an expiration date. I think you need to stop thinking that it's a problem with you or a problem you can solve by working harder at it. Just like with people, you're not going to be attracted to a lot of them.
Have you tried dating younger men? Going to multicultural events?
posted by discopolo at 7:32 AM on May 29, 2015 [2 favorites]