Tips for keeping a relationship healthy for a year of LDR
May 27, 2015 12:17 PM Subscribe
My girlfriend of 1.5 years will be leaving for Japan for a full year for grad school stuff very soon. I'm looking for tips for keeping things healthy while we're long distance. As always, snowflakes inside.
She's left New York, subletting her apartment and staying with her parents for the next few weeks until she flies out. I'll be visiting her before then, but after that I won't see her for over 6 months (I started a new job recently, so I'm saving up vacation days to fly over, I should be able to visit for close to two weeks if I use them all and my personal days all at once.)
We did this last summer, but only for a few months. We were also relatively new then, these days we talk almost every night and at least text when we don't.
My biggest worry is working with the time zone difference. Japan has a 13 hour time difference now and will have a 12 hour time difference during the winter. While we're both not incredibly social people, there is a desire to get out and not be on Skype every night.
So, advice? Pitfalls to avoid? Best way of being able to text each other during the day/should we just stick to email?
She's left New York, subletting her apartment and staying with her parents for the next few weeks until she flies out. I'll be visiting her before then, but after that I won't see her for over 6 months (I started a new job recently, so I'm saving up vacation days to fly over, I should be able to visit for close to two weeks if I use them all and my personal days all at once.)
We did this last summer, but only for a few months. We were also relatively new then, these days we talk almost every night and at least text when we don't.
My biggest worry is working with the time zone difference. Japan has a 13 hour time difference now and will have a 12 hour time difference during the winter. While we're both not incredibly social people, there is a desire to get out and not be on Skype every night.
So, advice? Pitfalls to avoid? Best way of being able to text each other during the day/should we just stick to email?
I was in an LDR for nearly three years (US west coast/UK) and here's what worked for my ex-SO and myself. Naturally, YMMV.
1) Do both of you have phones that support WhatsApp? My SO and I rarely ever emailed. WhatsApp allowed us to contact each other for free as long as we had Internet access on our phone.
2) I don't know what your respective schedules will be like but if anything, the time difference might be helpful in ensuring that neither of you is giving up every weeknight for Skype. There's a meeting plan here where you can look at potential times where you can talk to each other.
3) When I started my LDR, I had just moved back to the US after three years of living abroad and I was so incredibly lonely. There was some tension between my SO and me in those days because I resented him for having a close network of friends that he could do stuff with while I was all alone in a brand new city. It will be important for your partner to actively try to make connections after she moves. Of course, remain supportive and remain empathetic because it can be really difficult to make such a large move on your own.
4) The most important thing I learned in my LDR is that we had to lead separate lives. We couldn't spend all our time apart counting down the days until we saw each other.
5) This may be hard to imagine now, but after Christmas, the time goes so much faster.
posted by quadrant seasons at 12:40 PM on May 27, 2015
1) Do both of you have phones that support WhatsApp? My SO and I rarely ever emailed. WhatsApp allowed us to contact each other for free as long as we had Internet access on our phone.
2) I don't know what your respective schedules will be like but if anything, the time difference might be helpful in ensuring that neither of you is giving up every weeknight for Skype. There's a meeting plan here where you can look at potential times where you can talk to each other.
3) When I started my LDR, I had just moved back to the US after three years of living abroad and I was so incredibly lonely. There was some tension between my SO and me in those days because I resented him for having a close network of friends that he could do stuff with while I was all alone in a brand new city. It will be important for your partner to actively try to make connections after she moves. Of course, remain supportive and remain empathetic because it can be really difficult to make such a large move on your own.
4) The most important thing I learned in my LDR is that we had to lead separate lives. We couldn't spend all our time apart counting down the days until we saw each other.
5) This may be hard to imagine now, but after Christmas, the time goes so much faster.
posted by quadrant seasons at 12:40 PM on May 27, 2015
Letters. Actual snail mail Letters.
Maybe aim for sending one once a week, once a month?
I can't tell you how overjoyed I was to receive a physical letter, with my boyfriend's handwriting while we were doing the Long Distance thing.
posted by JenThePro at 12:50 PM on May 27, 2015 [5 favorites]
Maybe aim for sending one once a week, once a month?
I can't tell you how overjoyed I was to receive a physical letter, with my boyfriend's handwriting while we were doing the Long Distance thing.
posted by JenThePro at 12:50 PM on May 27, 2015 [5 favorites]
4) The most important thing I learned in my LDR is that we had to lead separate lives. We couldn't spend all our time apart counting down the days until we saw each other.
I'm 18 months into two years living apart from my husband (not our first time long distance either but by far the longest) and this is absolutely key. Yes we make an effort to remain connected, but I can't just mope around in the meantime either. This distance has put our life on hold enough as it is, so making new friends, keeping up with old ones, and making a real effort to enjoy whatever we can in our daily lives is what keeps us both sane. It also gives us something to talk about when we do skype. Living apart has definitely made me more independent and I think that's a good thing on the whole, even though it has made me lonely at the same time.
Personally, I only talk with my husband two or three times a week, generally for an hour each time. If we talk too often we end up just sitting there staring at each other (literally!) plus it gets kind of time consuming. Whereas I know other people who have to talk every day, even just to check in, so work out whatever works for you guys. I don't think there is a right or wrong way with this.
One thing I do like is I move the computer over to the kitchen bench and cook dinner while he watches - or vice versa. I watched him iron his shirts once. Just generally do the kinds of boring things we would do when we're together. We also send each other webpage links to things like funny cat videos and look at them together, that sort of thing. At the beginning we fell into the trap of having each talk be an focused catch up of what we've been up to or a discussion about things we need to plan and, while those things are important, it's also nice to just hang out sometimes too.
We've done letters in the past but I find it that too difficult right now for various reasons. I have been known to buy stuff off Amazon and get it sent to him unexpectedly, that's fun. Skype has been a game changer, we've been doing this kind of thing long enough that it started pre-internet and having to pay by the minute for international toll calls was no joke. Whatsapp also works very well rather than paying for txt messages and we email fairly often too. Generally just a few lines, send a funny link or a photo, that kind of thing. I recently got him to sign up for Instagram and that's awesome, being able to share a couple of photos of our day both with each other and with friends really makes me feel like part of his life. Generally internet and social media and free video calling all make this kind of thing a lot more feasible than it used to be so make as much use of that as you can.
posted by shelleycat at 1:15 PM on May 27, 2015 [5 favorites]
I'm 18 months into two years living apart from my husband (not our first time long distance either but by far the longest) and this is absolutely key. Yes we make an effort to remain connected, but I can't just mope around in the meantime either. This distance has put our life on hold enough as it is, so making new friends, keeping up with old ones, and making a real effort to enjoy whatever we can in our daily lives is what keeps us both sane. It also gives us something to talk about when we do skype. Living apart has definitely made me more independent and I think that's a good thing on the whole, even though it has made me lonely at the same time.
Personally, I only talk with my husband two or three times a week, generally for an hour each time. If we talk too often we end up just sitting there staring at each other (literally!) plus it gets kind of time consuming. Whereas I know other people who have to talk every day, even just to check in, so work out whatever works for you guys. I don't think there is a right or wrong way with this.
One thing I do like is I move the computer over to the kitchen bench and cook dinner while he watches - or vice versa. I watched him iron his shirts once. Just generally do the kinds of boring things we would do when we're together. We also send each other webpage links to things like funny cat videos and look at them together, that sort of thing. At the beginning we fell into the trap of having each talk be an focused catch up of what we've been up to or a discussion about things we need to plan and, while those things are important, it's also nice to just hang out sometimes too.
We've done letters in the past but I find it that too difficult right now for various reasons. I have been known to buy stuff off Amazon and get it sent to him unexpectedly, that's fun. Skype has been a game changer, we've been doing this kind of thing long enough that it started pre-internet and having to pay by the minute for international toll calls was no joke. Whatsapp also works very well rather than paying for txt messages and we email fairly often too. Generally just a few lines, send a funny link or a photo, that kind of thing. I recently got him to sign up for Instagram and that's awesome, being able to share a couple of photos of our day both with each other and with friends really makes me feel like part of his life. Generally internet and social media and free video calling all make this kind of thing a lot more feasible than it used to be so make as much use of that as you can.
posted by shelleycat at 1:15 PM on May 27, 2015 [5 favorites]
In general, the most important thing is that both of you are on the same page as far as your expectations. If neither of you want to Skype every evening in favor of getting out of the house and being social, that's great! But if one of you is good with Skype a couple times a week whereas the other one secretly actually DOES want to Skype every day, then that's a recipe for unhappiness. Make sure you guys are aligned, or at least that you can compromise to a point where you're both happy with the level and kinds of contact to expect. And of course, you might agree on a plan only to have it totally change once she gets out there. That's completely normal.
My husband and I were long distance for six months a couple years into our relationship, and it was hard, not gonna lie. That was exacerbated by the fact that he's just generally not a good texter, so there were a few times where he'd be hanging out with friends and would leave his phone in his coat pocket for 6-8 hours (we were LDR in the age of dumbphones). Meanwhile, it would be bedtime where I was and I couldn't even get a goodnight text back. It was a very isolating and frustrating feeling. Once I got through to him that I wasn't expecting to have a running text conversation while he was out, but that a couple quick messages to check in made a huge difference to me, things were better.
Also, YMMV on this, but it actually helped me to hear him say "I miss you" every now and then. For a couple months he didn't say it at all because he thought it was a given, but I guess I needed that extra affirmation sometimes.
posted by darkchocolatepyramid at 1:25 PM on May 27, 2015 [4 favorites]
My husband and I were long distance for six months a couple years into our relationship, and it was hard, not gonna lie. That was exacerbated by the fact that he's just generally not a good texter, so there were a few times where he'd be hanging out with friends and would leave his phone in his coat pocket for 6-8 hours (we were LDR in the age of dumbphones). Meanwhile, it would be bedtime where I was and I couldn't even get a goodnight text back. It was a very isolating and frustrating feeling. Once I got through to him that I wasn't expecting to have a running text conversation while he was out, but that a couple quick messages to check in made a huge difference to me, things were better.
Also, YMMV on this, but it actually helped me to hear him say "I miss you" every now and then. For a couple months he didn't say it at all because he thought it was a given, but I guess I needed that extra affirmation sometimes.
posted by darkchocolatepyramid at 1:25 PM on May 27, 2015 [4 favorites]
Oh, and as far as free text apps, I second the recs for WhatsApp, and I'll also suggest KakaoTalk too.
posted by darkchocolatepyramid at 1:36 PM on May 27, 2015
posted by darkchocolatepyramid at 1:36 PM on May 27, 2015
I was in a LDR for a year - separate countries & timezones.
This is what we did:
+ "Good morning" and "goodnight" texts every day - if we went out with friends, we'd text as we were heading out. This was something we both felt really strongly about.
+ Skype hangouts. We watched the World Cup in football together though neither of us cared about the sport. It was just broadcast into our two countries at the same time. It felt really good to go "ooh" and "aaaah" at the same time.
+ Talk honestly about feelings - it's okay to miss someone badly and it's okay to be stressed at work.
+ Agree that we were in this for the long haul. If we weren't 100% sure about each other, we wouldn't be doing a tough LDR. I really felt this built a lot of trust between us - we had each other's back even if we weren't in the same country.
+ Talk, talk, talk. The small things made the biggest difference. It was just feeling part of the other person's life, you know? We'd get on with leading regular life and just share everyday anecdotes. "Boy, that postman was a JERK" etc
We stopped being Long Distance after a year and we're now in our tenth year & going strong.
tl;dr: communication.
(ETA. Mr Bookish says "tell each other that you miss 'em")
posted by kariebookish at 3:47 PM on May 27, 2015 [2 favorites]
This is what we did:
+ "Good morning" and "goodnight" texts every day - if we went out with friends, we'd text as we were heading out. This was something we both felt really strongly about.
+ Skype hangouts. We watched the World Cup in football together though neither of us cared about the sport. It was just broadcast into our two countries at the same time. It felt really good to go "ooh" and "aaaah" at the same time.
+ Talk honestly about feelings - it's okay to miss someone badly and it's okay to be stressed at work.
+ Agree that we were in this for the long haul. If we weren't 100% sure about each other, we wouldn't be doing a tough LDR. I really felt this built a lot of trust between us - we had each other's back even if we weren't in the same country.
+ Talk, talk, talk. The small things made the biggest difference. It was just feeling part of the other person's life, you know? We'd get on with leading regular life and just share everyday anecdotes. "Boy, that postman was a JERK" etc
We stopped being Long Distance after a year and we're now in our tenth year & going strong.
tl;dr: communication.
(ETA. Mr Bookish says "tell each other that you miss 'em")
posted by kariebookish at 3:47 PM on May 27, 2015 [2 favorites]
My wife and I were long distance for 1.5 years or so before we were married (me in California, her in Japan). On the time thing: for us it was a 16/17 hour time difference, so we would video chat almost every day at 5pm my time, 9 or 10 am her time. 12 hours sounds more difficult, admittedly. We basically had a standing chat time, but if one of us was busy we would reschedule or cancel. We ended up talking 5-6 times a week most of the time.
I also sent her a good night message every day, we would send various quick messages ("I'm doing this", maybe a pic of something, etc) so we felt we had more idea what was going on with each other.
Visiting is good when possible, sounds like you're already planning to do that as much as possible.
And cards are nice too! Always a nice surprise getting a letter/card in the mail.
posted by thefoxgod at 4:22 PM on May 27, 2015
I also sent her a good night message every day, we would send various quick messages ("I'm doing this", maybe a pic of something, etc) so we felt we had more idea what was going on with each other.
Visiting is good when possible, sounds like you're already planning to do that as much as possible.
And cards are nice too! Always a nice surprise getting a letter/card in the mail.
posted by thefoxgod at 4:22 PM on May 27, 2015
Once nice thing is to read to each other over Skype. My now-wife, then-girlfriend and I did this at times when she was away for long periods of time for work. It's a nice way to spend time together without getting into the routine of how was your day, fine, how was yours, fine. (Not that I'm saying you shouldn't talk! Just that sometimes it's hard to put yourself in conversational mode.)
posted by number9dream at 4:53 PM on May 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by number9dream at 4:53 PM on May 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
Voxer is also a lifesaver. It lets you have a voice chat so you can hear each other's voice without needing to have a video chat open.
Expect to fight because distance is hard. It's really hard, especially with so long to go between visits. But you can also get really good at fighting fair when one person can shut the computer or hang up the phone and walk away. Or it turns out to be something that will break you up. Have rules about how you communicate, and follow them. For us, it means taking a time out where we put the issue on hold for real. Emotions and all. It also means recognising that the feelings we have about being apart sometimes cause those fights.
Sending little gifts is something we do a lot too. YMMV on that one, but it makes me feel like he cares and is paying attention.
Good luck. Memail me if you want to talk more. I've done this a few times, and finally am doing it well, I think.
posted by guster4lovers at 4:54 PM on May 27, 2015
Expect to fight because distance is hard. It's really hard, especially with so long to go between visits. But you can also get really good at fighting fair when one person can shut the computer or hang up the phone and walk away. Or it turns out to be something that will break you up. Have rules about how you communicate, and follow them. For us, it means taking a time out where we put the issue on hold for real. Emotions and all. It also means recognising that the feelings we have about being apart sometimes cause those fights.
Sending little gifts is something we do a lot too. YMMV on that one, but it makes me feel like he cares and is paying attention.
Good luck. Memail me if you want to talk more. I've done this a few times, and finally am doing it well, I think.
posted by guster4lovers at 4:54 PM on May 27, 2015
Exchange packages! Japan has a lot of amazing stuff, and she's bound to miss things from your home country.
I would send Mr. Moonlight something like A Day In My Life -- printed out photos of what I had been doing throughout the day. I also sent a lot of cheesy things "top moments we had together" "things I'm looking forward to when we see each other" "what we should do when he visits / I visit." This is mostly because Mr. Moonlight loves getting hyped.
posted by Ms. Moonlight at 2:13 AM on May 28, 2015
I would send Mr. Moonlight something like A Day In My Life -- printed out photos of what I had been doing throughout the day. I also sent a lot of cheesy things "top moments we had together" "things I'm looking forward to when we see each other" "what we should do when he visits / I visit." This is mostly because Mr. Moonlight loves getting hyped.
posted by Ms. Moonlight at 2:13 AM on May 28, 2015
In addition to some over the things already said:
1) Have a date once in a while. Set up your laptops with video chat, prepare a meal, set the table and have a meal together and some good conversation and laughs.
2) Calling when one person just got up and the other on is coming home from work / going to bed is much more difficult than it sounds. From my experience the morning person will be rather rationally focused, getting ready for the day, energized and wanting to tackle to-does and the other is rather emotionally focused, wanting to unwind, talk softly. Be ready for conflict from this discrepancy and decide whether it is worth it calling during the week or if it wouldnt be better to write messages / emails instead and try calling on the weekend.
Good luck!
PS: My SO and I have done this several times and has been rough at times with a lot of fighting and tears. We just moved in together a few months ago after almost 10 years of both short and long distance relationship and will now be getting married :) There is hope and it is a great test to see how hard both of you are willing to work for this relationship to last.
posted by Fallbala at 5:35 AM on May 28, 2015
1) Have a date once in a while. Set up your laptops with video chat, prepare a meal, set the table and have a meal together and some good conversation and laughs.
2) Calling when one person just got up and the other on is coming home from work / going to bed is much more difficult than it sounds. From my experience the morning person will be rather rationally focused, getting ready for the day, energized and wanting to tackle to-does and the other is rather emotionally focused, wanting to unwind, talk softly. Be ready for conflict from this discrepancy and decide whether it is worth it calling during the week or if it wouldnt be better to write messages / emails instead and try calling on the weekend.
Good luck!
PS: My SO and I have done this several times and has been rough at times with a lot of fighting and tears. We just moved in together a few months ago after almost 10 years of both short and long distance relationship and will now be getting married :) There is hope and it is a great test to see how hard both of you are willing to work for this relationship to last.
posted by Fallbala at 5:35 AM on May 28, 2015
« Older Shopping for a cervical disk replacement | Need a nice folder or binder for wedding officiant Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
But whatever you agree on, agree on something and make a good faith effort to stick with it.
Also, this is a good year to practice the old fashioned skill of letter writing. Even if it's all old news that you've already told her over the phone, letters are lovely and tangible.
It sucks, but either you'll get through it or it wasn't meant to be.
posted by telepanda at 12:35 PM on May 27, 2015 [1 favorite]