Is dating for men easier in SF or NYC?
May 26, 2015 1:35 PM Subscribe
I'm a 30-year-old straight single guy, debating a move to either NYC or SF. Singledom has been getting tiresome (after 6+ months), and I'd be interested in knowing whether dating would be substantially better or easier in one or the other city. I'm a slightly nerdy (but by no-means super-geeky) and fairly athletic/outdoorsy highly-educated professional. In either city, I'd be living in or near the urban center.
For what it's worth, my personality is very slightly hipster, but my job would be very corporate. I've spent time in both cities, and generally found I fit into the culture pretty well, but I've never really dated in either. I'd probably be primarily using OkC. I'm fairly median in terms of dating - I'm not in an enormous rush to marriage, but neither am I into poly or kink or casual sex or such. I've set up a throwaway: whichcitytodatein@gmail.com
For what it's worth, my personality is very slightly hipster, but my job would be very corporate. I've spent time in both cities, and generally found I fit into the culture pretty well, but I've never really dated in either. I'd probably be primarily using OkC. I'm fairly median in terms of dating - I'm not in an enormous rush to marriage, but neither am I into poly or kink or casual sex or such. I've set up a throwaway: whichcitytodatein@gmail.com
It also depends on your taste in women.
posted by wonton endangerment at 1:52 PM on May 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by wonton endangerment at 1:52 PM on May 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
What you're like is waaaaaay less important than what you like. Also, knowing what you like, and what you want, trumps all. Once you figure that out, you can figure out a strategy for finding it.
So - which city would be better for figuring out what you like? Probably NYC. However, if you can figure out a little of what you like before you move, you can choose a place....you like.
posted by amtho at 1:58 PM on May 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
So - which city would be better for figuring out what you like? Probably NYC. However, if you can figure out a little of what you like before you move, you can choose a place....you like.
posted by amtho at 1:58 PM on May 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
SF for sure. You're just a bit older than me but we have the same type, and that kind of woman is pretty abundant here, so you'd have no trouble meeting them here. Sure, NYC might have more people, but I find the volume of interest that SF-based women apparently have in me (not exactly a male model) to be kind of overwhelming as it is, to the point where I can be picky and I have to turn down multiple offers for dates a week from who look to be great, open-minded, and highly educated women. If you're a decent and at least a mildly interesting guy, you'll totally clean up over here too. Consider using Tinder as well — it's really not just for hookups, not by a long shot!
I wouldn't listen to the people saying "but there's a surplus single men in SF!!" — maybe within the tech social bubble, but outside of it, it's a whole different story. The genders are more evenly balanced than the raw statistics might make the situation out to seem — remember, there's a pretty large gay population here.
posted by un petit cadeau at 2:46 PM on May 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
I wouldn't listen to the people saying "but there's a surplus single men in SF!!" — maybe within the tech social bubble, but outside of it, it's a whole different story. The genders are more evenly balanced than the raw statistics might make the situation out to seem — remember, there's a pretty large gay population here.
posted by un petit cadeau at 2:46 PM on May 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
The StartUp podcast just had an episode about a matchmaking company that tried to specifically exploit the difference between these two cities by flying a planeload of single women from NYC to SF for dating events. Take that as you will.
posted by psoas at 3:21 PM on May 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by psoas at 3:21 PM on May 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
I live in NYC, but I have a lot of friends in SF and travel there relatively frequently. Guess what industry I'm in! Based on my experience, and echoing un petit cadeau, if you are in tech, you are better off in NYC, but if you aren't, you may do better in SF. Especially if you live outside of the tech-bubble hot spots. If you lived in the East Bay, in particular, my sense is that the gender ratio is much better -- and many tech people can't, because commuting from there to Silicon Valley is effectively impossible. Similarly, if you live in New York, there are neighborhoods to avoid -- Midtown West, Murray Hill, and Hoboken come to mind.
However! If you are in the tech bubble, you are screwed, there are a million people just like you and very few single women. As opposed to being in tech in NY, where at least you're not just another finance bro. What's it like to be in finance in SF? Nobody knows. (I kid; there are west-coast investment bankers, but they wake up at 4AM.)
So ultimately I think my advice boils down to play against type.
posted by goingonit at 3:24 PM on May 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
However! If you are in the tech bubble, you are screwed, there are a million people just like you and very few single women. As opposed to being in tech in NY, where at least you're not just another finance bro. What's it like to be in finance in SF? Nobody knows. (I kid; there are west-coast investment bankers, but they wake up at 4AM.)
So ultimately I think my advice boils down to play against type.
posted by goingonit at 3:24 PM on May 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
If I were you, I might restate the question as: "Which parts of NYC or SF is it easier to date in?" Because getting around both towns can put the serious kibosh on who you can date. If the kind of people you're into live in a different neighborhood, borough, or town than you, you're going to have a tough time in both places.
posted by Mo Nickels at 3:38 PM on May 26, 2015
posted by Mo Nickels at 3:38 PM on May 26, 2015
Do you have more friends in one city? Your social network is going to be your very best option to get out there and meet people (yes, supplemented by online dating, but IRL social connections come first and are how most people still meet their SOs).
posted by amaire at 4:07 PM on May 26, 2015
posted by amaire at 4:07 PM on May 26, 2015
I am a single 30 year old man. According to my female friend who lives in NYC, single women there will "pounce" on me if I were to move there and start dating again. I don't actually want to be "pounced" on (actually the idea mortifies me beyond description), but if you do, it sounds like a pretty good bet. We get a "where are all the single men in New York?!?!" question from frustrated women on AskMe fairly often so I've come to conclude that the dearth of single men in NYC is a real phenomenon, though I suspect it's blown out of proportion.
posted by deathpanels at 5:56 PM on May 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by deathpanels at 5:56 PM on May 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
You are mobile now, which is great. But just statistically, you're probably going to end up dating someone who has strong ties to one city (through work or family) and can't easily move. So pick whichever city you like best, since you might get stuck there for a long time.
posted by miyabo at 6:25 PM on May 26, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by miyabo at 6:25 PM on May 26, 2015 [7 favorites]
Using my sock puppet because I feel weird about discussing my personal life on an account associated with my real name.
I live in New York City. I work in that intersection of tech and finance-- pretty corporate. The male/female odds are generally in your favor, but that doesn't quite capture the issue: New York is weirdly anti-social, particularly as you get into your 30s. People don't have enough space for house parties. You will be unlikely to be connected to the sort of people who live in group houses in the outer edge of Brooklyn. People work really hard and are quite busy and don't have a lot of time for going out. Meeting people is much harder than it is in other cities.
This may be unique to my personal situation, but I have many more social prospects with women in San Francisco than New York. I like living in New York and plan to stay here, but I'd likely be dating someone now if I lived in San Francisco. Maximizing your dating prospects will come about by moving to the city were you have more established social connections, in my opinion.
posted by bright colored sock puppet at 9:04 PM on May 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
I live in New York City. I work in that intersection of tech and finance-- pretty corporate. The male/female odds are generally in your favor, but that doesn't quite capture the issue: New York is weirdly anti-social, particularly as you get into your 30s. People don't have enough space for house parties. You will be unlikely to be connected to the sort of people who live in group houses in the outer edge of Brooklyn. People work really hard and are quite busy and don't have a lot of time for going out. Meeting people is much harder than it is in other cities.
This may be unique to my personal situation, but I have many more social prospects with women in San Francisco than New York. I like living in New York and plan to stay here, but I'd likely be dating someone now if I lived in San Francisco. Maximizing your dating prospects will come about by moving to the city were you have more established social connections, in my opinion.
posted by bright colored sock puppet at 9:04 PM on May 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
The dating scene in SF is abysmal. Move to NYC.
posted by evil otto at 11:48 AM on May 27, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by evil otto at 11:48 AM on May 27, 2015 [2 favorites]
I lived in SF briefly and dating there was abysmal (I'm a woman FYI). Every man I met was a commitment-phobe. I'm back in NYC and met my SO on OkCupid and I'm really happy. I generally much prefer NYC to SF though and I think what you really need to think about is, where do I want to live? Not where am I more likely to date.
Ad I agree with staying away from Murray Hill and Midtown West but Hoboken is a great place now and full of young people. It isn't full of bros.
posted by shesbenevolent at 12:06 PM on May 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
Ad I agree with staying away from Murray Hill and Midtown West but Hoboken is a great place now and full of young people. It isn't full of bros.
posted by shesbenevolent at 12:06 PM on May 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by pando11 at 1:46 PM on May 26, 2015 [5 favorites]