Our new cat needs help, and so do we.
May 23, 2015 6:03 PM Subscribe
We just adopted a cat from a local rescue group, primarily to keep our current cat company, since we just lost two cats to old age. But the situation is not what we expected, and not what I have ever had to deal with before, after a lifetime of cats.
We wanted a younger, friendly cat, and that's what Bennet seemed when we visited him and again when we took him home. (We chose to go with a smaller rescue group because our humane society pound currently has 70 cats, all from one cat hoarder's home and all with descriptions using words meaning "disturbed".)
Here's Bennet's story: born to a litter in another hoarder's home, rescued and fostered in the home of the woman running the rescue organization. She has a number of fostered cats whom she keeps in a "cat house" out back, and then brings them all into town four days a week and keeps in cages in a back room of a store that allows people to come and look at cats for adoption. So he's used to other cats, used to being handled, used to strange people. All good, I thought, and he'll be so happy to come to our house and have a loving family and a new friend.
EXCEPT ..... and I find I can hardly write this without starting to cry, it's so awful ..... when we got him home and looked at his papers, he's not "young" he's 3 YEARS OLD. For 3 years he's been only in cages. As far as I can tell, he is completely traumatized simply by a room, and freedom to move around. We've got him in our spare bedroom/computer room, with food, water & litter box. He hides under the couch or squished into the corner behind the modem. When we pull him out and put him our laps, he stuffs his head between or behind us and lies motionless. Petting sometimes results in almost-audible purring, but not for long. Our daughter spent the night in the room last night, and reported that during the night she would wake to his mewing, "not in pain but so sad" and she would speak to him soothingly and he would quiet, for awhile.
We're not sending him back, obviously. But I've never had a cat this troubled before, and could use any anecdotal help anyone has. He is both pooping and peeing, so that's a start. Our vet is great, and suggested that as well as the dry food we're giving him, we try a bit of canned food, from a spoon if necessary. Mr K did offer food (ignored) and then fed him by hand and he ate a good bit -- then jumped down and slid under the couch.
We've only had him for 48 hours; vet said it could take several months for him to acclimate. But this is more than "acclimate," this is one terrified cat. I did ask about anti-anxiety medication, but vet said a fairly large percentage of cats have an adverse reaction, and end up even more frightened. And I'm not sure I want to dope him up anyway, it seems like it might be even worse for him.
I know we haven't had him long, but I feel at a loss for what will help. Somehow just "time" and "leaving him alone" doesn't seem enough. But pulling him out and having him cower on my lap doesn't seem any better. I've even considering fashioning a sling and carrying him around on my front, but then there'd just be even more terrifying things and places.
Really, what I'd like to know: Have you ever known a cat like this? What helped? What was the outcome?
We wanted a younger, friendly cat, and that's what Bennet seemed when we visited him and again when we took him home. (We chose to go with a smaller rescue group because our humane society pound currently has 70 cats, all from one cat hoarder's home and all with descriptions using words meaning "disturbed".)
Here's Bennet's story: born to a litter in another hoarder's home, rescued and fostered in the home of the woman running the rescue organization. She has a number of fostered cats whom she keeps in a "cat house" out back, and then brings them all into town four days a week and keeps in cages in a back room of a store that allows people to come and look at cats for adoption. So he's used to other cats, used to being handled, used to strange people. All good, I thought, and he'll be so happy to come to our house and have a loving family and a new friend.
EXCEPT ..... and I find I can hardly write this without starting to cry, it's so awful ..... when we got him home and looked at his papers, he's not "young" he's 3 YEARS OLD. For 3 years he's been only in cages. As far as I can tell, he is completely traumatized simply by a room, and freedom to move around. We've got him in our spare bedroom/computer room, with food, water & litter box. He hides under the couch or squished into the corner behind the modem. When we pull him out and put him our laps, he stuffs his head between or behind us and lies motionless. Petting sometimes results in almost-audible purring, but not for long. Our daughter spent the night in the room last night, and reported that during the night she would wake to his mewing, "not in pain but so sad" and she would speak to him soothingly and he would quiet, for awhile.
We're not sending him back, obviously. But I've never had a cat this troubled before, and could use any anecdotal help anyone has. He is both pooping and peeing, so that's a start. Our vet is great, and suggested that as well as the dry food we're giving him, we try a bit of canned food, from a spoon if necessary. Mr K did offer food (ignored) and then fed him by hand and he ate a good bit -- then jumped down and slid under the couch.
We've only had him for 48 hours; vet said it could take several months for him to acclimate. But this is more than "acclimate," this is one terrified cat. I did ask about anti-anxiety medication, but vet said a fairly large percentage of cats have an adverse reaction, and end up even more frightened. And I'm not sure I want to dope him up anyway, it seems like it might be even worse for him.
I know we haven't had him long, but I feel at a loss for what will help. Somehow just "time" and "leaving him alone" doesn't seem enough. But pulling him out and having him cower on my lap doesn't seem any better. I've even considering fashioning a sling and carrying him around on my front, but then there'd just be even more terrifying things and places.
Really, what I'd like to know: Have you ever known a cat like this? What helped? What was the outcome?
We adopted a cat from a person who couldn't keep him anymore, and he definitely hid under our bed for the majority of a week before becoming comfortable. Give the poor little guy a break and let him hide out until he figures out that you guys are the awesome family you are.
posted by msbubbaclees at 6:18 PM on May 23, 2015 [15 favorites]
posted by msbubbaclees at 6:18 PM on May 23, 2015 [15 favorites]
My cats of several years are like that for a couple of days after a move (of house). He'll get better.
posted by irisclara at 6:20 PM on May 23, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by irisclara at 6:20 PM on May 23, 2015 [7 favorites]
Every cat I've adopted has acted like an insane thing for 3 days to a week, nervous for another week, and fairly secure after about 3 weeks. You really just need to give it time and let the cat adjust to this huge, huge life change. Ask this question again in 3 weeks if you need to, but I doubt you will.
posted by DoubleLune at 6:27 PM on May 23, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by DoubleLune at 6:27 PM on May 23, 2015 [6 favorites]
Best answer: I actually think he's doing really well if he will sit on your lap at all. It bodes well. Really, time will help so much. Our cats were rescues after living at a shelter for almost 2 years and they are wonderful, wonderful family members now. It really takes time for them to realize they are home and that you are there to love them forever. His personality will come out.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 6:27 PM on May 23, 2015 [14 favorites]
posted by treehorn+bunny at 6:27 PM on May 23, 2015 [14 favorites]
p.s. 3 is totally young for a cat! Good for you for adopting an adult cat. I bet he is going to be so happy with you once he settles in.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 6:29 PM on May 23, 2015 [13 favorites]
posted by treehorn+bunny at 6:29 PM on May 23, 2015 [13 favorites]
Best answer: It sounds like he's actually doing pretty well. I'd suggest giving him more, better hiding places (counterintuitive, but hear me out). He's scared because he doesn't know the territory, and he doesn't know if there are scary things waiting to attack him. If he's in a mostly-enclosed box - say, 2' wide x 3-4' deep x 1.5-2' high, about the size of a large microwave or a grocery-store fruit box - with one opening to the front, and maybe a couple of 1-2" diameter "windows" in the sides (so he can see out, but nothing large can get in), then he'll be able to see what's going on, see any approaching "threats", and he can go out of the box when he's ready.
He probably misses the other cats that he's used to living with, too, so having your daughter or someone usually nearby, and having a little background noise from some music or a window, might be comforting. Suddenly being in a silent, silent place after being used to a bustling family can be shocking and lonely, so consider the sounds around him.
Oh! Also - playing with him will probably help him feel a *lot* better, and will help him see you as friends. For new, getting-acquainted play, I really recommend something like a shoelace that will keep him close to your hands, but far enough away that he's not likely to scratch you -- and moving shoelaces and short ribbons are almost irresistible fun (you probably know this already, but don't leave string/ribbon toys out when the cat is unsupervised).
Have you taken him in for a vet exam? Obviously you want to make sure he's not going to be completely freaked out by that kind of travel/handling, but this rescue org. is making me nervous about their whole process; you should probably get him checked out if you haven't already.
posted by amtho at 6:30 PM on May 23, 2015 [6 favorites]
He probably misses the other cats that he's used to living with, too, so having your daughter or someone usually nearby, and having a little background noise from some music or a window, might be comforting. Suddenly being in a silent, silent place after being used to a bustling family can be shocking and lonely, so consider the sounds around him.
Oh! Also - playing with him will probably help him feel a *lot* better, and will help him see you as friends. For new, getting-acquainted play, I really recommend something like a shoelace that will keep him close to your hands, but far enough away that he's not likely to scratch you -- and moving shoelaces and short ribbons are almost irresistible fun (you probably know this already, but don't leave string/ribbon toys out when the cat is unsupervised).
Have you taken him in for a vet exam? Obviously you want to make sure he's not going to be completely freaked out by that kind of travel/handling, but this rescue org. is making me nervous about their whole process; you should probably get him checked out if you haven't already.
posted by amtho at 6:30 PM on May 23, 2015 [6 favorites]
I've had a couple of very disturbed cats in my life, and through the way I treated them, I believe, they became much better, very different and happy and healthy. I'm EXTREMELY gentle and patient with cats, with a slow, quiet and as non threatening as possible energy. I think those qualities, along with the environment I gave them made ALL the difference.
For example my current cat, I got him from a friend. He was three at the time. I was originally supposed to take care of him for a few months and then she was supposed to take him back from me in a different living situation.
I had visited and met him before he came to me. He lived in a house with her dad, who my cat considered "loud" and was scared of, despite him never doing anything. People came through that house frequently, to socialize. They were probably not especially loud, but they were loud to him, and scary people he didn't know. If there were people over, he was ALWAYS under the bed. He wouldn't let anyone pet or touch him, including all his owners, ever. No human was allowed to touch him. Also, no one had ever heard him purr before ( and I believe he never or rarely meowed).
When He first came to my apartment he was obviously just as terrified. I walked very gently around him all the time, never made loud or banging noises of any kind. He was a curious cat and always came a little towards me when I was gentle and quiet and non threatening enough. But he would never quite come close enough, he was still being cautious. Over the first three weeks ( and I'm home all the time so it was a lot of time in my company) he would come closer and closer and eventually I was able to pet him, just a touch, and so gently!!! Before he thought better of it and ran off. But each time after that three weeks, it got longer and longer, until he could actually relax when I gave him a pet. There was never anyone around but me so he was able to deal with me and my presence without ever having stress from seeing other threatening human beings.
Anyway, long story short-- he now is super cuddly, lets me hold him and carry him around, and occasionally falls asleep on me, meows all day long, and purrs often. One thing about the purring, the previous parents thought he never purred, but now he does but it's a very gentle and very quiet purr, I often have to have my ear right next to him to hear it, but it's there!
Whenever the previous parents come over they exclaim every time what a different cat he is! They seem to not believe it, but I've seen how adaptable cats can be. Anyway, all this came from a lot of patience and gentleness, and an ideal environment, but I think it shows it may be possible for your cat too.
Oh, I somehow missed you've had him for TWO DAYS! That's nothing! Just be gentle and patient, and I advise not picking him up at all yet. Not until he's totally comfortable with you. Don't worry, he'll change a lot.
posted by Blitz at 6:33 PM on May 23, 2015 [11 favorites]
For example my current cat, I got him from a friend. He was three at the time. I was originally supposed to take care of him for a few months and then she was supposed to take him back from me in a different living situation.
I had visited and met him before he came to me. He lived in a house with her dad, who my cat considered "loud" and was scared of, despite him never doing anything. People came through that house frequently, to socialize. They were probably not especially loud, but they were loud to him, and scary people he didn't know. If there were people over, he was ALWAYS under the bed. He wouldn't let anyone pet or touch him, including all his owners, ever. No human was allowed to touch him. Also, no one had ever heard him purr before ( and I believe he never or rarely meowed).
When He first came to my apartment he was obviously just as terrified. I walked very gently around him all the time, never made loud or banging noises of any kind. He was a curious cat and always came a little towards me when I was gentle and quiet and non threatening enough. But he would never quite come close enough, he was still being cautious. Over the first three weeks ( and I'm home all the time so it was a lot of time in my company) he would come closer and closer and eventually I was able to pet him, just a touch, and so gently!!! Before he thought better of it and ran off. But each time after that three weeks, it got longer and longer, until he could actually relax when I gave him a pet. There was never anyone around but me so he was able to deal with me and my presence without ever having stress from seeing other threatening human beings.
Anyway, long story short-- he now is super cuddly, lets me hold him and carry him around, and occasionally falls asleep on me, meows all day long, and purrs often. One thing about the purring, the previous parents thought he never purred, but now he does but it's a very gentle and very quiet purr, I often have to have my ear right next to him to hear it, but it's there!
Whenever the previous parents come over they exclaim every time what a different cat he is! They seem to not believe it, but I've seen how adaptable cats can be. Anyway, all this came from a lot of patience and gentleness, and an ideal environment, but I think it shows it may be possible for your cat too.
Oh, I somehow missed you've had him for TWO DAYS! That's nothing! Just be gentle and patient, and I advise not picking him up at all yet. Not until he's totally comfortable with you. Don't worry, he'll change a lot.
posted by Blitz at 6:33 PM on May 23, 2015 [11 favorites]
Best answer: He's doing much better than you realize. I've been fostering cats for a while now, and the last one was a semi-feral cat from a colony. She first wandered around making that tragic noise, then disappeared under my couch, NO JOKE, for MONTHS. She'd come out at night at first when we were asleep; then after about a month she started venturing out, slinking close to the ground, if i sat perfectly still for hours; after another few weeks she'd mostly be out in the room with me but would run if i got near her, slowly inching closer, and then finally one day she out of the blue decided that she loved cuddles, and became a huge lap cat. She's now happy in an adoptive home with another cat who she adores and a very happy human. So: give your little dude a lot of time. He's stressed out now, but he'll calm down once he realizes he's safe and all the newness wears off. If he's not afraid of you, you're already like 60% there.
posted by alycoop at 6:36 PM on May 23, 2015 [9 favorites]
posted by alycoop at 6:36 PM on May 23, 2015 [9 favorites]
Best answer: Re: playing - yes, he's going to want to hide under and inside things, but that's fine. Often you can entice cats to play just a little, from those locations, after they've had a while to calm down. Just drag the end of the shoelace back and forth in front of the kitty, and after a while, BAM - paws of discipline. Tiny paws of discipline, at first, but that's OK (and still sometimes startling for you, so be prepared).
Don't try to lure him out of the box with the shoelace/ribbon, at least not at first; just play with him where he is, and let him come out in his own time.
I actually found an academic study on shelter cats and hiding boxes; they seemed much less stressed, even in the shelter, if they had somewhere small to hide. In your house, it could be like a home base for him.
below are somewhat more extreme measures
Oh, one more thing -- if you can get anything additional that's comforting and familiar from the rescue org, like even a cage/bed setup, or just a blanket, that could help a lot. Of course, I realize you may not ever want to speak to that lady again... and it's been a couple of days, so who knows how much difference it would make now... but it's a thought.
...and if you get super desperate, you could find out if he was bonded with another cat from the rescue org. He might be lonely for his buddy.
posted by amtho at 6:40 PM on May 23, 2015
Don't try to lure him out of the box with the shoelace/ribbon, at least not at first; just play with him where he is, and let him come out in his own time.
I actually found an academic study on shelter cats and hiding boxes; they seemed much less stressed, even in the shelter, if they had somewhere small to hide. In your house, it could be like a home base for him.
below are somewhat more extreme measures
Oh, one more thing -- if you can get anything additional that's comforting and familiar from the rescue org, like even a cage/bed setup, or just a blanket, that could help a lot. Of course, I realize you may not ever want to speak to that lady again... and it's been a couple of days, so who knows how much difference it would make now... but it's a thought.
...and if you get super desperate, you could find out if he was bonded with another cat from the rescue org. He might be lonely for his buddy.
posted by amtho at 6:40 PM on May 23, 2015
Best answer: As others have said, I would (a) provide more hiding places for your cat for right now, and (b) stop "pulling him out" at all. Let him get his bearings on his own, rather than forcing him to do anything.
From What's Up with Cats and Boxes? in Wired:
From What's Up with Cats and Boxes? in Wired:
Still, there’s a sizable amount of behavioral research on cats who are, well, used for other kinds of research (i.e., lab cats). These studies—many of which focused on environmental enrichment—have been taking place for more than 50 years and they make one thing abundantly clear: Your fuzzy companion derives comfort and security from enclosed spaces.posted by jaguar at 6:48 PM on May 23, 2015 [9 favorites]
This is likely true for a number of reasons, but for cats in these often stressful situations, a box or some other type of separate enclosure (within the enclosures they’re already in) can have a profound impact on both their behavior and physiology.
Ethologist Claudia Vinke of Utrecht University in the Netherlands is one of the latest researchers to study stress levels in shelter cats. Working with domestic cats in a Dutch animal shelter, Vinke provided hiding boxes for a group of newly arrived cats while depriving another group of them entirely. She found a significant difference in stress levels between cats that had the boxes and those that didn’t. In effect, the cats with boxes got used to their new surroundings faster, were far less stressed early on, and were more interested in interacting with humans.
It makes sense when you consider that the first reaction of nearly all cats to a stressful situation is to withdraw and hide. “Hiding is a behavioral strategy of the species to cope with environmental changes and stressors,” Vinke said in an email.
This is as true for cats in the wild as it is for those in your home. Only instead of retreating to tree tops, dens, or caves, yours may find comfort in a shoe box.
It’s also important to note that cats really suck at conflict resolution. To quote from The Domestic Cat: The Biology of its Behaviour, “Cats do not appear to develop conflict resolution strategies to the extent that more gregarious species do, so they may attempt to circumvent agonistic encounters by avoiding others or decreasing their activity.”
So rather than work things out, cats are more inclined to simply run away from their problems or avoid them altogether. A box, in this sense, can often represent a safe zone, a place where sources of anxiety, hostility, and unwanted attention simply disappear.
nthing what everyone has said. One more small piece of advice. Sleeping in the room with him will help him get used to you. When you go to sleep, and he hears your regular breathing and knows that you are sleeping in his presence, it helps him to trust you. Your daughter sleeping with him is some of the best medicine!
Yay for giving him a better life. You rock! He'll be fine.
posted by ereshkigal45 at 6:58 PM on May 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
Yay for giving him a better life. You rock! He'll be fine.
posted by ereshkigal45 at 6:58 PM on May 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
Your poor kitty! I'm so glad you guys are going the distance with him. It will be fine, eventually, I promise.
I adopted a three year old cat from a hoarder through an animal rescue program, and he was just like yours. So malnourished he could barely walk, but still trying to hide whenever he was in the open. He was also riddled ringworm and I had to bathe him daily with medicated shampoo, which he endured by becoming absolutely motionless in the sink and staring at me. . .it was heartbreaking how terrified he was.
It took weeks of him hiding under bookcases and sofas and us coaxing him to eat before he started to develop confidence enough to walk around and sit somewhere without running and smooshing himself underneath the nearest piece of furniture. We even had to teach him how to play, and to chase things. Just be patient and loving and he will relax eventually.
It was totally worth it -- he is the sweetest, most loving cat I've ever met. He is so happy and just radiates that to everyone he meets. Cats like this are a treasure.
posted by ananci at 6:59 PM on May 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
I adopted a three year old cat from a hoarder through an animal rescue program, and he was just like yours. So malnourished he could barely walk, but still trying to hide whenever he was in the open. He was also riddled ringworm and I had to bathe him daily with medicated shampoo, which he endured by becoming absolutely motionless in the sink and staring at me. . .it was heartbreaking how terrified he was.
It took weeks of him hiding under bookcases and sofas and us coaxing him to eat before he started to develop confidence enough to walk around and sit somewhere without running and smooshing himself underneath the nearest piece of furniture. We even had to teach him how to play, and to chase things. Just be patient and loving and he will relax eventually.
It was totally worth it -- he is the sweetest, most loving cat I've ever met. He is so happy and just radiates that to everyone he meets. Cats like this are a treasure.
posted by ananci at 6:59 PM on May 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
But this is more than "acclimate," this is one terrified cat.
Well, first off, no. You're not understanding the cat (which is normal, cats are mysterious). They are predators and control of their environment is extremely important to them. This is normal behavior, actually. I've had cats hide under a dresser for a week following a move and I had to hand feed them. He will get over it. He's just scared.
Cats are nesters and burrowers. Give him a box/thing to hide in/behind/under or a way to get under something. A dark place with blankets covering it. Alternately, a lot of cats instead prefer to be up high and observe their kingdom for prey... I think he wants to be low and protected right now though.
So just chill. Spend some time in the room but ignore the cat. Just calmly sit and read a book. He will ascertain there is no danger and he will come out. A little bit. Continue to politely ignore him. Maybe glance at him then look away, he'll like that (shows non-threatening) and lazily reach a hand out for him to sniff if he wants. Might take awhile. Reward with a treat.
edit: under no circumstances introduce the cats for a few weeks until he is feeling okay. there will also be hissing and stuff then. I suggest slowly having like a blanket w/ their scents get exchanged. The door cracked, etc. You can read how to do it online. That also will take awhile.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 6:59 PM on May 23, 2015 [8 favorites]
Well, first off, no. You're not understanding the cat (which is normal, cats are mysterious). They are predators and control of their environment is extremely important to them. This is normal behavior, actually. I've had cats hide under a dresser for a week following a move and I had to hand feed them. He will get over it. He's just scared.
Cats are nesters and burrowers. Give him a box/thing to hide in/behind/under or a way to get under something. A dark place with blankets covering it. Alternately, a lot of cats instead prefer to be up high and observe their kingdom for prey... I think he wants to be low and protected right now though.
So just chill. Spend some time in the room but ignore the cat. Just calmly sit and read a book. He will ascertain there is no danger and he will come out. A little bit. Continue to politely ignore him. Maybe glance at him then look away, he'll like that (shows non-threatening) and lazily reach a hand out for him to sniff if he wants. Might take awhile. Reward with a treat.
edit: under no circumstances introduce the cats for a few weeks until he is feeling okay. there will also be hissing and stuff then. I suggest slowly having like a blanket w/ their scents get exchanged. The door cracked, etc. You can read how to do it online. That also will take awhile.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 6:59 PM on May 23, 2015 [8 favorites]
Another voice here saying this is 100% normal cat behavior.
If he's eating, using the box properly, and doesn't seem to be in pain then your best bet is to just give him time.
I totally understand stressing out about strange behavior in new cats. I've had five cats in my lifetime, none of which were siblings. Some cats (#2, Kitten of 4 months and #5, Senior cat of 10 years) had absolutely no trouble blending into a new house. #3? Holy hell, little 1 year old terror with teeth and claws that hated EVERYONE and hid for nearly a month straight. I actually posted about it here on AskMeFi because I was so upset and worried. Feliway helped a lot with #3. #4 was so stressed out. He hid behind the washing machine for a week, and barely ate anything at all.
There's so many new smells, sounds, and vibrations in his new home. He needs some time to deal with it. Keep talking to your vet, as their the best source of advice if he does stop eating or starts going outside the box.
Generally Feliway is hit or miss (it didn't help #4 at all, but I also foster cats for a local rescue and each new cat comes with a Feliway refill), but it's relatively affordable and can't hurt.
posted by royalsong at 7:07 PM on May 23, 2015 [1 favorite]
If he's eating, using the box properly, and doesn't seem to be in pain then your best bet is to just give him time.
I totally understand stressing out about strange behavior in new cats. I've had five cats in my lifetime, none of which were siblings. Some cats (#2, Kitten of 4 months and #5, Senior cat of 10 years) had absolutely no trouble blending into a new house. #3? Holy hell, little 1 year old terror with teeth and claws that hated EVERYONE and hid for nearly a month straight. I actually posted about it here on AskMeFi because I was so upset and worried. Feliway helped a lot with #3. #4 was so stressed out. He hid behind the washing machine for a week, and barely ate anything at all.
There's so many new smells, sounds, and vibrations in his new home. He needs some time to deal with it. Keep talking to your vet, as their the best source of advice if he does stop eating or starts going outside the box.
Generally Feliway is hit or miss (it didn't help #4 at all, but I also foster cats for a local rescue and each new cat comes with a Feliway refill), but it's relatively affordable and can't hurt.
posted by royalsong at 7:07 PM on May 23, 2015 [1 favorite]
But pulling him out and having him cower on my lap doesn't seem any better. I've even considering fashioning a sling and carrying him around on my front, but then there'd just be even more terrifying things and places.
Oh, and do not do this. I get that you want to "solve" the problem, trust me I reaaaaaaaally do because I freak out when my cats are upset, but you can't exactly be a cat therapist. The cat has to solve it himself by determining that the space isn't going to have an owl swoop down and eat him.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 7:12 PM on May 23, 2015 [15 favorites]
Oh, and do not do this. I get that you want to "solve" the problem, trust me I reaaaaaaaally do because I freak out when my cats are upset, but you can't exactly be a cat therapist. The cat has to solve it himself by determining that the space isn't going to have an owl swoop down and eat him.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 7:12 PM on May 23, 2015 [15 favorites]
My cat has never had any traumatic experiences, and we adopted her from a good situation when she was only eight weeks old. But when we moved to a new house, she behaved almost exactly as you are describing here, for weeks. It was heartbreaking. Eventually she moved into a drawer in the bedroom and refused to come out of there except to poop, and barely even to eat. Finally a month or so later she gradually returned to normal.
What I am saying is that your cat's behaviour doesn't necessarily mean she is psychologically damaged forever. She might just be being a cat.
posted by lollusc at 7:23 PM on May 23, 2015 [4 favorites]
What I am saying is that your cat's behaviour doesn't necessarily mean she is psychologically damaged forever. She might just be being a cat.
posted by lollusc at 7:23 PM on May 23, 2015 [4 favorites]
I have a cat who has been with me, and her cat mamma, and cat sister, since birth. She has lived a trauma free life (except for maybe the pain of the most terrible teeth a cat can have, and the surgery to have them all removed). She still hides from me 90% of time, and everyone else 100% of the time. She's 6 now, and only in the last year has started to become the cat I "wanted", but for only 10% of the time. Compared to her mamma and sister, she's a bit of goober of a cat because she is such a huge scaredy cat, but I still love her to pieces (as evidenced by my paying her massive vet bills... )
So - 48 hours!??! Cat is fine. Let her be. Don't pull her out, let her hide and get accustomed to her new life on her schedule. She's doing amazingly well for any cat, never mind her troubled background. She may never be the follow-you-around always-in-your-lap playful cat some are, but on the other hand, she might just get so attached to her new humans she wont leave you alone. A few months as recommended by your vet seems pretty reasonable to me.
I'd recommend Jackson Galaxy and his show "My Cat From Hell" to watch with your kid; it might give you guys perspective on what sort of cat behaviour is normal, how traumatized cats act, how to help them, and how to understand what their behaviours mean.
posted by cgg at 8:25 PM on May 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
So - 48 hours!??! Cat is fine. Let her be. Don't pull her out, let her hide and get accustomed to her new life on her schedule. She's doing amazingly well for any cat, never mind her troubled background. She may never be the follow-you-around always-in-your-lap playful cat some are, but on the other hand, she might just get so attached to her new humans she wont leave you alone. A few months as recommended by your vet seems pretty reasonable to me.
I'd recommend Jackson Galaxy and his show "My Cat From Hell" to watch with your kid; it might give you guys perspective on what sort of cat behaviour is normal, how traumatized cats act, how to help them, and how to understand what their behaviours mean.
posted by cgg at 8:25 PM on May 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
After 48 hours I think you're both doing amazingly. I've been considering posting about our fearful cat; we got him in November, he lived inside our couch for the first three weeks, and we still haven't been able to touch him So your little guy is doing really well.
Patience!
posted by Miko at 8:47 PM on May 23, 2015
Patience!
posted by Miko at 8:47 PM on May 23, 2015
Best answer: Yeah - when I brought home my semi-feral Slim, he'd spent the last couple of months under or in the couch at his foster's. I gave him a quiet room with several places to hide (none so deep I couldn't interact with him- but it never came to that). Once he was eating steadily, I hung out while he ate, and eventually moved up to petting him while he ate. Once he finally showed interest in leaving the room, I introduced my cats - he'd lived in a colony and then in a house full of cats and was so diffident that there was no drama at all. And things slowly got better from there.
So that would be my suggestion - keep him in a small, quiet room where you can keep track of him, but where there are places to hide. Hang out when you can, but let the cat set the pace for interactions. Once you've got a bit more traction, you can start gently pushing things along, especially in a play before and petting during and after meal time.
Once Slim got out of his room, he's barely ever his again while I was home, and after our last move he was the most eager of a brave bunch to leave the safe room on the first night.
The watchword with cats is patience - I thought Slim might be a lap cat some day, in spite of being feral. It took five years for him to decide to try it a second time, but he was hooked after that.
posted by wotsac at 10:19 PM on May 23, 2015 [1 favorite]
So that would be my suggestion - keep him in a small, quiet room where you can keep track of him, but where there are places to hide. Hang out when you can, but let the cat set the pace for interactions. Once you've got a bit more traction, you can start gently pushing things along, especially in a play before and petting during and after meal time.
Once Slim got out of his room, he's barely ever his again while I was home, and after our last move he was the most eager of a brave bunch to leave the safe room on the first night.
The watchword with cats is patience - I thought Slim might be a lap cat some day, in spite of being feral. It took five years for him to decide to try it a second time, but he was hooked after that.
posted by wotsac at 10:19 PM on May 23, 2015 [1 favorite]
Your cat's story has similarities to that of one of our cats, so please read it and pick out what applies. He was equally terrified when he arrived, hid for three weeks (and we let him) and only came out at night to eat and use the litter box. Now he is so much better. But that takes time.
It took about 6 months before we ever heard him purr. Another six months before he ever put one of his feet on my lap. Now he's been here a year and a half, and sometimes comes and sits on my lap and snuggles up close, looking like the happiest cat in the world.
Please stop pulling your cat out of his hiding place. He does not want to be on your lap right now, he wants to hide. And he's telling you as much in the only way he knows how.
Some cats purr when they are scared, it doesn't mean you are making him happy. Please let him hide. He's only been with you for two days! Give him weeks or months to come out by himself. I would definitely try Feliway, it really helps with many cats (not all).
Please do not carry him around. He will hate it. Instead, give him more places to hide, as suggested above.
And don't worry too much. He'll get better. We don't know how much better, but better for sure, and also a lot happier. He's still young! And he's in a loving home now.
Thank you for giving him a home. He has a good shot at having a happy life now. That's great.
posted by Too-Ticky at 1:53 AM on May 24, 2015 [3 favorites]
It took about 6 months before we ever heard him purr. Another six months before he ever put one of his feet on my lap. Now he's been here a year and a half, and sometimes comes and sits on my lap and snuggles up close, looking like the happiest cat in the world.
Please stop pulling your cat out of his hiding place. He does not want to be on your lap right now, he wants to hide. And he's telling you as much in the only way he knows how.
Some cats purr when they are scared, it doesn't mean you are making him happy. Please let him hide. He's only been with you for two days! Give him weeks or months to come out by himself. I would definitely try Feliway, it really helps with many cats (not all).
Please do not carry him around. He will hate it. Instead, give him more places to hide, as suggested above.
And don't worry too much. He'll get better. We don't know how much better, but better for sure, and also a lot happier. He's still young! And he's in a loving home now.
Thank you for giving him a home. He has a good shot at having a happy life now. That's great.
posted by Too-Ticky at 1:53 AM on May 24, 2015 [3 favorites]
Totally normal cat behavior. Our previous cat hid under the bed for the first couple days after she came to live with us. (Although she did make friends with the dog almost immediately - go figure) She was much older than yours - she was around 15 at the time. Eventually, she decided she liked us. Your cat will too. That's just what they do.
posted by SisterHavana at 2:21 AM on May 24, 2015
posted by SisterHavana at 2:21 AM on May 24, 2015
What everyone else said.
I have one cat who really is traumatized and permanently fraidy. We hoped that one day we would be able to pet him, but have now accepted that this will never be what he wants. However, during a brief hiatus when he temporarily moved back into his family home - we tried to catch him to give him some medicine and inadvertently terrorized him thereby - his original human was petting him, which she never could do before. She was amazed at the change and convinced we must have "done something" to transform his mind.
All we did was give him his space, not push him, and pay close attention to his preferences. I also made a point, at night, of edging as close to him as he would let me go, and talking gently to him. He didn't seem to like it, but he observably benefited from it so I guess you could say we were pushing him just a little. We only ever get a quasi-purr from him, at most, and we have to work for it. But - he has really learned to talk! He expresses himself verbally quite a lot now. In general, it's clear that he trusts us overall and even likes us, though he'll never admit it... Well, okay, maybe he likes us a little.
Now your cat doesn't sound like nearly such a hard case. But even if he were, he'll be better overall for your tender loving care.
Just don't pull him out of his safe space, K?
You know the orange circles that come from the collar of an orange juice bottle cap? We used to tie one of those on a ribbon and lower it in front of the cat's space. He would forget himself and stick a hand out to bat at it.
Feliway is always good; catnip brings joy; talking to him and sleeping in the same room will go a long way.
posted by tel3path at 3:16 AM on May 24, 2015 [3 favorites]
I have one cat who really is traumatized and permanently fraidy. We hoped that one day we would be able to pet him, but have now accepted that this will never be what he wants. However, during a brief hiatus when he temporarily moved back into his family home - we tried to catch him to give him some medicine and inadvertently terrorized him thereby - his original human was petting him, which she never could do before. She was amazed at the change and convinced we must have "done something" to transform his mind.
All we did was give him his space, not push him, and pay close attention to his preferences. I also made a point, at night, of edging as close to him as he would let me go, and talking gently to him. He didn't seem to like it, but he observably benefited from it so I guess you could say we were pushing him just a little. We only ever get a quasi-purr from him, at most, and we have to work for it. But - he has really learned to talk! He expresses himself verbally quite a lot now. In general, it's clear that he trusts us overall and even likes us, though he'll never admit it... Well, okay, maybe he likes us a little.
Now your cat doesn't sound like nearly such a hard case. But even if he were, he'll be better overall for your tender loving care.
Just don't pull him out of his safe space, K?
You know the orange circles that come from the collar of an orange juice bottle cap? We used to tie one of those on a ribbon and lower it in front of the cat's space. He would forget himself and stick a hand out to bat at it.
Feliway is always good; catnip brings joy; talking to him and sleeping in the same room will go a long way.
posted by tel3path at 3:16 AM on May 24, 2015 [3 favorites]
I had a relatively normal cat spend SIX MONTHS hiding under and in things, acting like a hawk or couch was about to eat him at any moment, before all at once decided, "Yeah, okay, I'm safe here, I'll be a lap cat." We were convinced we were just going to live with a ghost cat who ate our food and otherwise spent his life wedged into tiny invisible spaces, but he just needed a good long time to feel comfortable.
Although any change to the furniture arrangement sent him back into hiding for a week.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 6:57 AM on May 24, 2015
Although any change to the furniture arrangement sent him back into hiding for a week.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 6:57 AM on May 24, 2015
I adopted an 8 year old cat from a woman who could no longer keep him because of her mental illness. He'd been living for several years off of whatever the woman ate - if she had cheerios, he ate cheerios. If she had eggs, he ate eggs. He'd been neglected for years.
When I got him home he immediately hid under the sofa and I didn't see him for a week. I put out food, and the food would disappear, and I put out litter, and it was used. But I didn't lay eyes on him.
Gradually he started coming out when I could see him, but wouldn't let me near him. Within a month, he would sit next to me on the sofa and purr while I petted him. Within three months he was coming to me for cuddles and sitting on my chest and purring.
Give him time. He's had a hard life and he needs to learn to trust you and the space he's in. It will get better!
posted by kythuen at 7:05 AM on May 24, 2015
When I got him home he immediately hid under the sofa and I didn't see him for a week. I put out food, and the food would disappear, and I put out litter, and it was used. But I didn't lay eyes on him.
Gradually he started coming out when I could see him, but wouldn't let me near him. Within a month, he would sit next to me on the sofa and purr while I petted him. Within three months he was coming to me for cuddles and sitting on my chest and purring.
Give him time. He's had a hard life and he needs to learn to trust you and the space he's in. It will get better!
posted by kythuen at 7:05 AM on May 24, 2015
I agree with everyone else: give him more hiding places and leave him alone. Scared cats want interactions to be on their terms, not yours, so please stop pulling him out of his hiding places. If you sit quietly in the room with him and completely ignore him, he'll learn that you're not threatening and hopefully come out and sniff you eventually.
(I've been feeding a small group of semi-feral cats for over a year, have never attempted to pet them unless they started it, which a couple of them will. Last week, the wildest one rubbed his whiskers on my hand while I was feeding them. I was shocked, but I guess it took a year for him to decide I'm not completely terrifying.)
posted by Mavri at 8:11 AM on May 24, 2015 [1 favorite]
(I've been feeding a small group of semi-feral cats for over a year, have never attempted to pet them unless they started it, which a couple of them will. Last week, the wildest one rubbed his whiskers on my hand while I was feeding them. I was shocked, but I guess it took a year for him to decide I'm not completely terrifying.)
posted by Mavri at 8:11 AM on May 24, 2015 [1 favorite]
A few possibly useful thoughts:
The "leave him alone!" theory (which I totally agree with) is not just a way of giving your cat space, but also giving him respect and control over his world. It sounds like he wasn't ever allowed to decide where to be, at the rescue group. When he really realizes he can choose to hide whenever he wants, he will probably hide way less.
I heard a great NPR interview with a guy who wrote a book on cat behavior and psychology. The only thing that stuck with me that was his research indicated that purring can either mean "that's pleasant, keep being nice to me" or "that's awful, please start being nice to me." It can be a stress/fear response. Mine purr when I hold them down to give them nasty medicine. Just something to keep in mind. His purring will "count" when he's relaxed and in a spot where he could choose to run away, but instead is with you by his own volition. I have no doubt that will happen btw - you sound like an awesome cat home.
I have two eight-year-old cats who started out as feral kittens, took months to tame and get to trust me, and now love me like you would not believe. I've also seen amazing leaps in their confidence and bravery over the years, even recently. They just keep getting chiller and less afraid of people, loud noises, and the world. My current vet met them when they were 6 and she couldn't believe they'd ever been feral. So with lots of love and a safe environment, a cat can make HUGE progress.
I have seen over and over again that rescues make the best, most devoted pets, I think because they realize they have a good thing going and they never take their people for granted. Dogs, cats, horses, and everybody else in that situation, often exhibit traits a lot of people consider "doggyness" - intense loyalty, total dedication, and a desire to please.
Which is of course the best thing ever. Consider that you also have an opportunity to teach this cat some commands or other vocabulary, if you want to. All cats can learn commands IF they want to, and although they can be notoriously... cattish about it, right now yours is listening closely to everything you say, and in time may desperately want to please you.
You can do him a real kindness just by using a quiet voice a LOT around him. Give him plenty of quiet time too of course, but when you enter the cats room, always announce yourself, and make sure somebody talks to him every day (I bet you're already doing this).
This could just be a calming tool: "that lady makes soft noises." It can also be a way of letting him know what's about to happen. If the rattle of food being poured into a dish startles him, just tell him what's up. (I get a lot of mileage out of "it's ok.") That way he knows what to expect, will grow less afraid of that noise in time, learns that you are a kind person who warns him of scary things and is friendly to him while those noises are happening, AND you end up with a kitty who adorably knows the word "food" or whatever. Put in the work now and you could have a cat who comes running when you say "nummy num-nums!"
Good luck and please post an update, even weeks or months down the line - a lot of people are rooting for you all.
posted by jessicapierce at 8:12 AM on May 24, 2015 [1 favorite]
The "leave him alone!" theory (which I totally agree with) is not just a way of giving your cat space, but also giving him respect and control over his world. It sounds like he wasn't ever allowed to decide where to be, at the rescue group. When he really realizes he can choose to hide whenever he wants, he will probably hide way less.
I heard a great NPR interview with a guy who wrote a book on cat behavior and psychology. The only thing that stuck with me that was his research indicated that purring can either mean "that's pleasant, keep being nice to me" or "that's awful, please start being nice to me." It can be a stress/fear response. Mine purr when I hold them down to give them nasty medicine. Just something to keep in mind. His purring will "count" when he's relaxed and in a spot where he could choose to run away, but instead is with you by his own volition. I have no doubt that will happen btw - you sound like an awesome cat home.
I have two eight-year-old cats who started out as feral kittens, took months to tame and get to trust me, and now love me like you would not believe. I've also seen amazing leaps in their confidence and bravery over the years, even recently. They just keep getting chiller and less afraid of people, loud noises, and the world. My current vet met them when they were 6 and she couldn't believe they'd ever been feral. So with lots of love and a safe environment, a cat can make HUGE progress.
I have seen over and over again that rescues make the best, most devoted pets, I think because they realize they have a good thing going and they never take their people for granted. Dogs, cats, horses, and everybody else in that situation, often exhibit traits a lot of people consider "doggyness" - intense loyalty, total dedication, and a desire to please.
Which is of course the best thing ever. Consider that you also have an opportunity to teach this cat some commands or other vocabulary, if you want to. All cats can learn commands IF they want to, and although they can be notoriously... cattish about it, right now yours is listening closely to everything you say, and in time may desperately want to please you.
You can do him a real kindness just by using a quiet voice a LOT around him. Give him plenty of quiet time too of course, but when you enter the cats room, always announce yourself, and make sure somebody talks to him every day (I bet you're already doing this).
This could just be a calming tool: "that lady makes soft noises." It can also be a way of letting him know what's about to happen. If the rattle of food being poured into a dish startles him, just tell him what's up. (I get a lot of mileage out of "it's ok.") That way he knows what to expect, will grow less afraid of that noise in time, learns that you are a kind person who warns him of scary things and is friendly to him while those noises are happening, AND you end up with a kitty who adorably knows the word "food" or whatever. Put in the work now and you could have a cat who comes running when you say "nummy num-nums!"
Good luck and please post an update, even weeks or months down the line - a lot of people are rooting for you all.
posted by jessicapierce at 8:12 AM on May 24, 2015 [1 favorite]
Nothing you've described sounds out of the ordinary, as sad as it may look! It's incredibly normal for cats to freak out and hide for several days when they're in a new place. My brother has two cats who are just naturally very slow to warm up; when their living situation changes, they hide. They once hid in a wall for several weeks - it took days to confirm that they were still in the house. Once they've decided it's safe to come out, they are chill and extremely affectionate.
Let your cat hide for as long as he needs; let him control when and how he interacts with you. One trick I learned from a professional cat behaviorist: spend a little time sitting within his line of sight, but several feet away and facing away from him. That way, he'll get to know your look, sound, and smell, and you're communicating that you're not a threat to him. With cats, eye contact can be threatening: it says "I might attack you, and I don't trust you not to attack me."
I think he's going to be okay. Good luck and keep us updated!
posted by Metroid Baby at 8:41 AM on May 24, 2015
Let your cat hide for as long as he needs; let him control when and how he interacts with you. One trick I learned from a professional cat behaviorist: spend a little time sitting within his line of sight, but several feet away and facing away from him. That way, he'll get to know your look, sound, and smell, and you're communicating that you're not a threat to him. With cats, eye contact can be threatening: it says "I might attack you, and I don't trust you not to attack me."
I think he's going to be okay. Good luck and keep us updated!
posted by Metroid Baby at 8:41 AM on May 24, 2015
As everyone else said - totally normal! And actually doing really well! Cats can take weeks to get used to a new house -- with their same family! He's had a huge adjustment. Ratchet your own interest and anxiety down by 10x and I guarantee things will be better for everyone.
Keep him in a smaller room for now, with lots of cardboard boxes and his own litter. Plug in a Feliway diffuser to help anxiety too.
Once he's settled down in that room after a few weeks, start exchanging blankets between the cats. Then you can read up on how to introduce the cats well - that can really determine how things go for them.
Best of luck with your new adorable feisty and awesome furball!
posted by barnone at 8:47 AM on May 24, 2015
Keep him in a smaller room for now, with lots of cardboard boxes and his own litter. Plug in a Feliway diffuser to help anxiety too.
Once he's settled down in that room after a few weeks, start exchanging blankets between the cats. Then you can read up on how to introduce the cats well - that can really determine how things go for them.
Best of luck with your new adorable feisty and awesome furball!
posted by barnone at 8:47 AM on May 24, 2015
Another person saying this is normal. When I was a kid, we adopted a kitten who seemed to have come from a totally calm, trauma-free home. But our territorial older cat attacked her the first day and the kitten then spent the better part of the next week hiding inside our sleeper sofa. She eventually got comfortable and was very happy with our family for 18 years!
posted by lunasol at 2:26 PM on May 24, 2015
posted by lunasol at 2:26 PM on May 24, 2015
Everyone is giving you good advice here. I think this kitty will be a fine and much-loved addition to your family. Don't hesitate to get the feliway plug-in diffusers. The price for the diffusers themselves doesn't vary much - you can get one or two (depending on the size of your house) from your local pet store. And then buy the refills in bulk on Amazon to save quite a bit on them. We buy a generic version of the refills called "ComfortZone with Feliway" which seems to work just as well and saves another few dollars.)
Another addition to the routine that you try is Bach Rescue Remedy drops, also available at some pet stores and online. I honestly didn't believe this stuff would work - it's some kind of homeopathic remedy to help calm pets down - but it's the _only_ thing that has worked for our very nervous middle-cat bengal. (He was a rescue at 2 years old and came to us with no trust of humans, undiagnosed food allergies, and we're not sure what else. The slightest noises scared him. He's still a nervous nellie, but a lot better than he was.)
There are also calming collars with lavender and other herbs in them, but I wouldn't recommend that right now as your new addition probably wouldn't recommend being collared. Also there's something odd about having a cat who is a walking air freshener. We never could get used to that.
Other than that, let kitty call the shots. A hidey box is a great idea - pick something you can live with having in your main living space for a long time because it will be kitty's home base forever. Kitty will come out when he's good and ready. Make sure your daughter understands (I didn't catch her age) that the kitty is still learning how to behave around humans - kitty could lash out of scared.
It sounds like great progress has been made in just 2 days. Keep us posted!
posted by Kalatraz at 3:31 PM on May 24, 2015
Another addition to the routine that you try is Bach Rescue Remedy drops, also available at some pet stores and online. I honestly didn't believe this stuff would work - it's some kind of homeopathic remedy to help calm pets down - but it's the _only_ thing that has worked for our very nervous middle-cat bengal. (He was a rescue at 2 years old and came to us with no trust of humans, undiagnosed food allergies, and we're not sure what else. The slightest noises scared him. He's still a nervous nellie, but a lot better than he was.)
There are also calming collars with lavender and other herbs in them, but I wouldn't recommend that right now as your new addition probably wouldn't recommend being collared. Also there's something odd about having a cat who is a walking air freshener. We never could get used to that.
Other than that, let kitty call the shots. A hidey box is a great idea - pick something you can live with having in your main living space for a long time because it will be kitty's home base forever. Kitty will come out when he's good and ready. Make sure your daughter understands (I didn't catch her age) that the kitty is still learning how to behave around humans - kitty could lash out of scared.
It sounds like great progress has been made in just 2 days. Keep us posted!
posted by Kalatraz at 3:31 PM on May 24, 2015
Response by poster: Thanks so much for all the thoughtful and caring answers! The suggestions to make a small box were especially useful; Mr.K immediately repurposed a beer box, with towel inside and one smallish round hole on the side. Bennet streaked inside, and stayed for hours, but this morning was not only out but up; not on the floor but crouched behind the printer on the desk.
I've had more cats than I can count, and have never seen a cat react like this guy. I honestly think he's 1) never seen a room before, and 2) never ever been alone before. A lot to get used to. We're spending lots of time in the room with him, picking him up (he doesn't struggle) and putting him between us on the couch. After a minute or so he visibly relaxes, and stays with us until we get up -- then zip! under the couch.
The most wonderful thing about all your answers are the stories and the reassurance: all the fearful cats, and they've all turned out loving and happy. Thank you! A relaxed me is all the better for him.
posted by kestralwing at 11:45 PM on May 24, 2015 [3 favorites]
I've had more cats than I can count, and have never seen a cat react like this guy. I honestly think he's 1) never seen a room before, and 2) never ever been alone before. A lot to get used to. We're spending lots of time in the room with him, picking him up (he doesn't struggle) and putting him between us on the couch. After a minute or so he visibly relaxes, and stays with us until we get up -- then zip! under the couch.
The most wonderful thing about all your answers are the stories and the reassurance: all the fearful cats, and they've all turned out loving and happy. Thank you! A relaxed me is all the better for him.
posted by kestralwing at 11:45 PM on May 24, 2015 [3 favorites]
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I think he's going to be okay. He's just gone through a rough transition, and he is scared. That is normal. That's to be expected. All cats, when scared, want to be in small, cramped spaces. Give him a safe space, be sweet and gentle with him, and let him come to terms with his new environment. Probably within a month, he'll be more out going.
posted by meese at 6:14 PM on May 23, 2015 [37 favorites]