How do I deal with this overwhelming breakup regret?
May 11, 2015 9:18 AM Subscribe
I'm now 5 months out of a breakup with the man I thought I was going to marry and I'm struggling to make peace with it. (Sorry for the long post).
Backstory: We dated a little over two years with one break up (initiated by him) in between. The first time he broke up with me, he couldn't give me a reason, but then came back and begged for a second chance. I was skeptical, but he seemed genuinely sorry. I took it slow and he was amazing for about another month or two; then, the distancing happened again. There was a lot of push/pull, hot/cold, mixed messages.
There were times throughout when I considered ending it, but I would always decide against it. I knew he was a good person who did genuinely love me. Finally last year, I had had enough of the ambivalence. He couldn’t even tell me if he saw me in his future, much less take the next step with me. He also didn’t want to live together until being engaged, so I was kind of stuck with everything being on his terms. I told him that I couldn’t keep investing my heart in someone if they weren’t sure about me. He protested a little, but I needed to get out. After the breakup, we texted back and forth some after that, but nothing serious. Now, there is no contact and AFAIK, he is happily moving on with his life.
I guess I could just chalk it up to being incompatible … but I can’t help ruminating the “what ifs”. I was so starved for intimacy at the end and my anxiety + plus my perceived rejection by him caused me to be extremely insecure (which I’m not normally). Could I have communicated better? Did my anxiety cause me to ignore all the good things he did for me and focus on the bad? I’m so ready to settle down that maybe I came off as desperate. My close friends and family tell me that I did right by walking away. I thought I’d feel stronger, but I don’t. I just feel miserable and I miss him every day. He was genuinely a good person who I think really did love me. I adored him.
I see a therapist regularly, have read a ton of relationship books (including attachment books). I exercise, play sports (although I feel like I'm not meeting anyone new). I try to volunteer when I can. I've been traveling this year. Still, I can't seem to move on. I miss the connection we had. And nothing seems fulfilling in my life anymore. Most of my friends are married or in serious relationships. I think deep down, I always thought that we would work it out. I feel so stuck and frustrated. Help Mefites!
Sidenotes: We both had trauma in our childhood- I’ve been dealing with mine with about 5 years of therapy, but he hasn’t.
-He stopped being interested in sex about 6 months prior to our breakup. I was usually the one initiating. That caused me a lot of anxiety.
-I’ve never broken up with anyone before- especially a person that I loved immensely.
-I’ve never had a seemingly “healthy” relationship so I don’t have much to compare this one to
Backstory: We dated a little over two years with one break up (initiated by him) in between. The first time he broke up with me, he couldn't give me a reason, but then came back and begged for a second chance. I was skeptical, but he seemed genuinely sorry. I took it slow and he was amazing for about another month or two; then, the distancing happened again. There was a lot of push/pull, hot/cold, mixed messages.
There were times throughout when I considered ending it, but I would always decide against it. I knew he was a good person who did genuinely love me. Finally last year, I had had enough of the ambivalence. He couldn’t even tell me if he saw me in his future, much less take the next step with me. He also didn’t want to live together until being engaged, so I was kind of stuck with everything being on his terms. I told him that I couldn’t keep investing my heart in someone if they weren’t sure about me. He protested a little, but I needed to get out. After the breakup, we texted back and forth some after that, but nothing serious. Now, there is no contact and AFAIK, he is happily moving on with his life.
I guess I could just chalk it up to being incompatible … but I can’t help ruminating the “what ifs”. I was so starved for intimacy at the end and my anxiety + plus my perceived rejection by him caused me to be extremely insecure (which I’m not normally). Could I have communicated better? Did my anxiety cause me to ignore all the good things he did for me and focus on the bad? I’m so ready to settle down that maybe I came off as desperate. My close friends and family tell me that I did right by walking away. I thought I’d feel stronger, but I don’t. I just feel miserable and I miss him every day. He was genuinely a good person who I think really did love me. I adored him.
I see a therapist regularly, have read a ton of relationship books (including attachment books). I exercise, play sports (although I feel like I'm not meeting anyone new). I try to volunteer when I can. I've been traveling this year. Still, I can't seem to move on. I miss the connection we had. And nothing seems fulfilling in my life anymore. Most of my friends are married or in serious relationships. I think deep down, I always thought that we would work it out. I feel so stuck and frustrated. Help Mefites!
Sidenotes: We both had trauma in our childhood- I’ve been dealing with mine with about 5 years of therapy, but he hasn’t.
-He stopped being interested in sex about 6 months prior to our breakup. I was usually the one initiating. That caused me a lot of anxiety.
-I’ve never broken up with anyone before- especially a person that I loved immensely.
-I’ve never had a seemingly “healthy” relationship so I don’t have much to compare this one to
I think the only way you deal with this is to keep living your most awesome life, and really believe that this guy was not good for you. You don't provide a lot of details, but this does not sound like what I would call a healthy relationship.
I think someday, hopefully soon but it's OK if it takes a while, you're going to be in a healthy, happy relationship, or maybe you're going to be alone but you'll be able to visualize a healthy, happy relationship, and you're going to look back at this time in your life and think, "That was rough, and I'm glad I don't have to do that again."
Just please be careful not to rush into another shitty relationship, or if you do, please go ahead and break up as soon as you start to think it might be shitty.
posted by mskyle at 9:36 AM on May 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
I think someday, hopefully soon but it's OK if it takes a while, you're going to be in a healthy, happy relationship, or maybe you're going to be alone but you'll be able to visualize a healthy, happy relationship, and you're going to look back at this time in your life and think, "That was rough, and I'm glad I don't have to do that again."
Just please be careful not to rush into another shitty relationship, or if you do, please go ahead and break up as soon as you start to think it might be shitty.
posted by mskyle at 9:36 AM on May 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
A good relationship will make you feel good a lot of the time: happy, less anxious, and secure in their love for you. By those measures, this does not sound like a good relationship and I think it's a good thing that you guys broke up. One of the hard lessons of adulthood is that you can love someone (and they can even love you back in some ways) and they can still be the wrong person for you.
posted by colfax at 9:36 AM on May 11, 2015 [13 favorites]
posted by colfax at 9:36 AM on May 11, 2015 [13 favorites]
Five months isn't a long time time to feel bad after a long, involved relationship. Of all the things you said, the one that strikes me the most is his reluctance to have sex with you during the last six months of your relationship. That means he "just wasn't that into you." In my opinion you did exactly the right thing in breaking up with him.
This is a hard time for you because some time has passed and you *think* you should be "over it." But you'll be over it when you're over it.
The best thing, in my opinion, is for you to start meeting new people to date. This can be done via OKCupid and/or other online dating sites, meetup groups, or any other ways you can think of. Internet dating I think is the surest thing because people there are actually looking to date and have relationships.
When you meet somebody else, then you'll be over it!
But to reiterate: you absolutely positively did the right thing by breaking up with this person who did not appreciate you sufficiently.
I am not your therapist.
posted by DMelanogaster at 9:40 AM on May 11, 2015
This is a hard time for you because some time has passed and you *think* you should be "over it." But you'll be over it when you're over it.
The best thing, in my opinion, is for you to start meeting new people to date. This can be done via OKCupid and/or other online dating sites, meetup groups, or any other ways you can think of. Internet dating I think is the surest thing because people there are actually looking to date and have relationships.
When you meet somebody else, then you'll be over it!
But to reiterate: you absolutely positively did the right thing by breaking up with this person who did not appreciate you sufficiently.
I am not your therapist.
posted by DMelanogaster at 9:40 AM on May 11, 2015
It's time to go make new friends, have new adventures, and get busy living in the here and now instead of living in your past. It sounds like you dodged a bullet and now you're mad at the bullet for not hitting you :)
As I always do with some of my clients, I trot out the old chestnut, MeetUp.
It's amazing at what it does - helps you find folks to hang out with who are into what you're into. It is awesome.
I also highly encourage you to stay single for at least 6 months. Give yourself some time to heal, some time to have fun, and some time to be single.
posted by Major Matt Mason Dixon at 9:40 AM on May 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
As I always do with some of my clients, I trot out the old chestnut, MeetUp.
It's amazing at what it does - helps you find folks to hang out with who are into what you're into. It is awesome.
I also highly encourage you to stay single for at least 6 months. Give yourself some time to heal, some time to have fun, and some time to be single.
posted by Major Matt Mason Dixon at 9:40 AM on May 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
You are better off - move on.
Playing the "what if" game feeds into you anxiety. The most realistic and likely what if is: what if you had stayed with him, and it continued to be ambivalent and all on his terms. Then where would you be in 10 years.
There are plenty of fish in the sea. That is more than just a pithy feel good phrase - it is a fact.
Go find someone who's terms and intimacy match your own.
Good luck. smile.
posted by Flood at 10:02 AM on May 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
Playing the "what if" game feeds into you anxiety. The most realistic and likely what if is: what if you had stayed with him, and it continued to be ambivalent and all on his terms. Then where would you be in 10 years.
There are plenty of fish in the sea. That is more than just a pithy feel good phrase - it is a fact.
Go find someone who's terms and intimacy match your own.
Good luck. smile.
posted by Flood at 10:02 AM on May 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
but I can’t help ruminating the “what ifs”
You just have to stop. There was no way you were going to fix that guy, no matter what what you if. What if he turned into a dragon? What if he was possessed by an alien who was decent? Yeah, it might have turned out differently then.
Given the likelihood of those things happening, and that being a dragon would even have been a good thing, the simpler resolution is that you're not going to be with that guy. It's not an option. Stop retconning your life so that it is.
Stop framing it as breakup regret. You're afraid of being alone and you think the devil you know is your only hope. But the thing is, it sounds like you're doing a great job being single, and you will meet people, but you really do need to spend at least a year Single On Purpose so you don't grip on to the first rando who pays you attention.
Stop giving that guy so much free rent in your head. You do not get extra credit for it. It will not voodoo him back to you. When he comes up, tell the thought to fuck straight off, and arm yourself with other things to think about.
You can do better. You should have done the healthy thing sooner. Let it be over now.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:51 AM on May 11, 2015 [11 favorites]
You just have to stop. There was no way you were going to fix that guy, no matter what what you if. What if he turned into a dragon? What if he was possessed by an alien who was decent? Yeah, it might have turned out differently then.
Given the likelihood of those things happening, and that being a dragon would even have been a good thing, the simpler resolution is that you're not going to be with that guy. It's not an option. Stop retconning your life so that it is.
Stop framing it as breakup regret. You're afraid of being alone and you think the devil you know is your only hope. But the thing is, it sounds like you're doing a great job being single, and you will meet people, but you really do need to spend at least a year Single On Purpose so you don't grip on to the first rando who pays you attention.
Stop giving that guy so much free rent in your head. You do not get extra credit for it. It will not voodoo him back to you. When he comes up, tell the thought to fuck straight off, and arm yourself with other things to think about.
You can do better. You should have done the healthy thing sooner. Let it be over now.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:51 AM on May 11, 2015 [11 favorites]
I've re-read a few of your past questions and just really wanted to say "congratulations!!" you absolutely did the right thing in breaking up with him.
100%. No question. The. Right. thing.
As for still feeling heartbroken... keep hope, the passing of time will help. It sounds trite but it really is true - keep doing what you're doing and the pain will lesson day by day.
Also, I'm so, so happy that you didn't settle for someone just because all of your friends are married and having babies. I guarantee that his apathy towards you would only have got worse as time went on. You were struggling with intimacy for a long time and you deserve better than that.
I know that it may feel as if you've lost everything, but really, your life is just beginning! 34 is really young, really young. The world is totally your oyster and based solely on your post, I really think you're better off single than with a man who holds you at arms length and didn't ever demonstrate anything loving towards you.
It's natural to feel regret over the loss of a relationship, even one that wasn't healthy. Just try to focus on the positives of NOT being with him anymore and when you're ready, try and start dating again.
posted by JenThePro at 10:54 AM on May 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
100%. No question. The. Right. thing.
As for still feeling heartbroken... keep hope, the passing of time will help. It sounds trite but it really is true - keep doing what you're doing and the pain will lesson day by day.
Also, I'm so, so happy that you didn't settle for someone just because all of your friends are married and having babies. I guarantee that his apathy towards you would only have got worse as time went on. You were struggling with intimacy for a long time and you deserve better than that.
I know that it may feel as if you've lost everything, but really, your life is just beginning! 34 is really young, really young. The world is totally your oyster and based solely on your post, I really think you're better off single than with a man who holds you at arms length and didn't ever demonstrate anything loving towards you.
It's natural to feel regret over the loss of a relationship, even one that wasn't healthy. Just try to focus on the positives of NOT being with him anymore and when you're ready, try and start dating again.
posted by JenThePro at 10:54 AM on May 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
I am sorry that you feel so bad and miserable. I do not know enough about your relationship dynamics and the other person to comment whether you should go back or not. That is a decision that you have to take.
But i could point out a few things for your to think about.
Past is done. Your breakup has happened. Now it cannot be be deleted, forgotten or restarted. Even if you get back together, it will not be the same relationship. You both will remember the break up.
I think he broke up earlier because he was not sure about the relationship but then, got back because,probably, being away sucked ... still the doubts that caused the breakup were inside him and caused the hot/cold reaction.
So, if you get back together, you will remember why you broke up and that will change how your future relationship plays out.
Remember, most people, at one time or the other, make wrong decisions, do stupid things, and are unable to take a decision. That includes not only your boyfriend, but also you. You just need to accept it and not feel guilty about making a decision that feels wrongs later.
It seems the main reason for you breaking up was your boyfriend's ambivalence and lack of commitment to the relationship. And most people at some time or the other, get that ambivalence about a relationship. Some manage to get over it while others struggle from the indecisiveness till an external factor pushes them over to one side of the fence. Being ambivalent is not a bad thing but if it is causing your heartache, then you should keep away.
If you genuinely, really, deeply feel that the right thing to do is to get back together and cannot find any rational reason to think he would be a bad impact on your life, you can try to get back together .. but remember that the reasons that caused to drift apart are still there and unless you and your boyfriend are able to solve that reason, it will be a similar story ... with increased bitterness and sense of loss this time.
Unless you can get the other person to open up about why they feel distant to you... you will not be able to resolve the reasons that caused your breakup.
posted by TheLittlePrince at 10:59 AM on May 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
But i could point out a few things for your to think about.
Past is done. Your breakup has happened. Now it cannot be be deleted, forgotten or restarted. Even if you get back together, it will not be the same relationship. You both will remember the break up.
I think he broke up earlier because he was not sure about the relationship but then, got back because,probably, being away sucked ... still the doubts that caused the breakup were inside him and caused the hot/cold reaction.
So, if you get back together, you will remember why you broke up and that will change how your future relationship plays out.
Remember, most people, at one time or the other, make wrong decisions, do stupid things, and are unable to take a decision. That includes not only your boyfriend, but also you. You just need to accept it and not feel guilty about making a decision that feels wrongs later.
It seems the main reason for you breaking up was your boyfriend's ambivalence and lack of commitment to the relationship. And most people at some time or the other, get that ambivalence about a relationship. Some manage to get over it while others struggle from the indecisiveness till an external factor pushes them over to one side of the fence. Being ambivalent is not a bad thing but if it is causing your heartache, then you should keep away.
If you genuinely, really, deeply feel that the right thing to do is to get back together and cannot find any rational reason to think he would be a bad impact on your life, you can try to get back together .. but remember that the reasons that caused to drift apart are still there and unless you and your boyfriend are able to solve that reason, it will be a similar story ... with increased bitterness and sense of loss this time.
Unless you can get the other person to open up about why they feel distant to you... you will not be able to resolve the reasons that caused your breakup.
posted by TheLittlePrince at 10:59 AM on May 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
Having thoughts about "what if" is natural. Know this, but don't buy into it. "What if" doesn't work because you already did everything you could do make it work, and the only possible variable to plug into "what if" is something that does not and could not exist in the real world. So don't beat yourself up over your thoughts, but don't believe in them, either. And when your mind says "but why?", just know that sometimes there's no "why", sometimes things just are. It's tough, because we want to be able to explain everything to ourselves, but sometimes there's no explanation other than that's how it is.
Give yourself at least another 6 months before you even try to get into another relationship, out of fairness to you and to your next SO. It will help to shed the old stuff before trying anything new. Date, sure, but don't get into anything serious or even exclusive. Keep it light.
Believe me, when you meet someone with whom you can have a healthy, loving, supportive relationship, you'll know it. There's no arm wrestling, not over goals or expectations or sex or anything. I met the love of my life at 38, if that helps.
posted by janey47 at 11:02 AM on May 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
Give yourself at least another 6 months before you even try to get into another relationship, out of fairness to you and to your next SO. It will help to shed the old stuff before trying anything new. Date, sure, but don't get into anything serious or even exclusive. Keep it light.
Believe me, when you meet someone with whom you can have a healthy, loving, supportive relationship, you'll know it. There's no arm wrestling, not over goals or expectations or sex or anything. I met the love of my life at 38, if that helps.
posted by janey47 at 11:02 AM on May 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
One small thing I wanted to add is that some of my breakups have been tough because I treated pain following a breakup as proof that the breakup was a bad idea and therefore a reason to punish myself endlessly about it. That is false and it's important to remember that because otherwise regret can really end up feeding on itself and dragging the misery out for a really long time.
Think of it in stages:
You're unhappy in the relationship --> You break up --> You feel unhappy in the aftermath of the breakup --> You take this unhappiness as a sign that you were wrong to end the relationship --> You are unhappy and and beat yourself up about ending the relationship--> Time goes by and the memories of the relationship (both good and bad) fade, but the memory of the regret and sadness that came afterwards are still fresh, because they're more recent --> You take this as an even more incontrovertible that you were wrong to end the relationship, since you're still unhappy a month (a year, a decade) after the breakup --> And so you beat yourself up even harder and feel even more full of regret --> etc. etc. etc.
Alternatively, though, it can happen this way:
You're unhappy in the relationship --> You break up --> You feel unhappy in the aftermath of the relationship --> You recognize that this is normal and it will pass --> You distract yourself from the pain as best you can --> Time passes and eventually the pain fades --> You are able to see your relationship in the context of the rest of your life, both good and bad.
The thing about going through the first vs. the second cycle is that it actually doesn't matter whether the relationship itself was good or not; what matters is your relationship with the past. (I read your earlier questions. It was not a happy relationship.) Either way, though, you can either lose yourself in a cycle of regret, or you can let the past be the past, forgive yourself, and move on.
posted by pretentious illiterate at 12:01 PM on May 11, 2015 [13 favorites]
Think of it in stages:
You're unhappy in the relationship --> You break up --> You feel unhappy in the aftermath of the breakup --> You take this unhappiness as a sign that you were wrong to end the relationship --> You are unhappy and and beat yourself up about ending the relationship--> Time goes by and the memories of the relationship (both good and bad) fade, but the memory of the regret and sadness that came afterwards are still fresh, because they're more recent --> You take this as an even more incontrovertible that you were wrong to end the relationship, since you're still unhappy a month (a year, a decade) after the breakup --> And so you beat yourself up even harder and feel even more full of regret --> etc. etc. etc.
Alternatively, though, it can happen this way:
You're unhappy in the relationship --> You break up --> You feel unhappy in the aftermath of the relationship --> You recognize that this is normal and it will pass --> You distract yourself from the pain as best you can --> Time passes and eventually the pain fades --> You are able to see your relationship in the context of the rest of your life, both good and bad.
The thing about going through the first vs. the second cycle is that it actually doesn't matter whether the relationship itself was good or not; what matters is your relationship with the past. (I read your earlier questions. It was not a happy relationship.) Either way, though, you can either lose yourself in a cycle of regret, or you can let the past be the past, forgive yourself, and move on.
posted by pretentious illiterate at 12:01 PM on May 11, 2015 [13 favorites]
Just because it was the right decision doesn't mean it won't hurt for some time. It takes time to adjust from single to couple and from couple to single. Don't let the hurt make you second-guess what was absolutely the right decision. It stings to remove a band-aid but you're better off in the fresh air.
So tell yourself: yes it hurts and yes it was the right decision. I just need to make it through this hurt, and better days are ahead.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 12:04 PM on May 11, 2015
So tell yourself: yes it hurts and yes it was the right decision. I just need to make it through this hurt, and better days are ahead.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 12:04 PM on May 11, 2015
I was in a similar situation. I'm sorry to say, but he really broke up with you, by making you break up with him. The whole thing is so painful. I'm 11 years out now and unbelievably grateful he made me break up with him. It allowed me to grieve, move on, meet and marry and have a kid with a lovely man who is such a better partner for me, who really truly wants to be with me. It's a completely different experience. The other guy seems to be very happily married + kid (astounding!) too. We just weren't right together.
posted by semacd at 12:50 PM on May 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by semacd at 12:50 PM on May 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you all for taking the time to answer. I definitely agree that he passively did the actual breaking up- I just finally snapped out of my denial that things would get better one day.
I know I will get through this. Hopefully sooner rather than later!!
posted by Lillypad331 at 12:55 PM on May 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
I know I will get through this. Hopefully sooner rather than later!!
posted by Lillypad331 at 12:55 PM on May 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
I think I was among the chorus of DTMFA pleas on previous questions. You have extricated yourself from a lazy, loveless relationship that met almost none of your needs. Your anxiety kept you in that mess and now your anxiety is now fucking with you over what you've "lost"
The ugly truth is that how much a break-up hurts is not related to who initiated it, how needed it was was, or how long the relationship was. Breaking up is weird and hard and hurtful, if it wasn't the acronym "DTFMA" wouldn't have needed inventing. Breaking up hurts.
One element that your earlier questions illuminates is how Badly you wanted this to be more than it was. I had a similar break-up once; one where I missed the big-red-flags for ages. Part of giving up on that relationship was giving up on all the "hope" I had for it, all the energy I'd put in. And part of the pain of getting over that break up was admitting how I was really wrong and forgiving myself.
I think you may be going trough something similar.
posted by French Fry at 1:17 PM on May 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
The ugly truth is that how much a break-up hurts is not related to who initiated it, how needed it was was, or how long the relationship was. Breaking up is weird and hard and hurtful, if it wasn't the acronym "DTFMA" wouldn't have needed inventing. Breaking up hurts.
One element that your earlier questions illuminates is how Badly you wanted this to be more than it was. I had a similar break-up once; one where I missed the big-red-flags for ages. Part of giving up on that relationship was giving up on all the "hope" I had for it, all the energy I'd put in. And part of the pain of getting over that break up was admitting how I was really wrong and forgiving myself.
I think you may be going trough something similar.
posted by French Fry at 1:17 PM on May 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
I can completely relate, Lilypad331. But you did do the right thing. Relationships are supposed to be something that makes you better, something fulfilling, not something that makes you insecure, and not yourself. Also, there are times when everyone is unsure about themselves or the relationship they're in and closed off, but you shouldn't have to convince the person you're with that they should see you as part of their future plans. It sounds like you were giving a lot to the relationship and he wasn't reciprocating. And as they say, "it takes two to tango". You deserve someone who wants to put more into developing a relationship with you, not someone who becomes complacent.
Maybe ask yourself, if you saw him around being the same, distant-self he was before, rather than the seeming-to-have-moved-on-self, would you feel differently? I think you would... Maybe you're thinking, "if he's changed" or "things could be different this time," but trust the gut you had when you broke up. It seems like you gave it a lot of time and thought when you did the breaking up, so it wasn't a rash decision. Trust yourself and your judgment. And don't be so harsh on yourself! It's not a competition of who seems happier now. We all process at a different pace and in different ways. And know that you have so much courage! It's so hard to leave someone we love and are in a relationship, to go from having a go-to person to being alone, but you made such a touch decision, which is so great!
Sometimes too, you love someone but you just can't make it work, esp. when it comes to a marriage. Whether it's timing, maturity, finances, etc., it just didn't work out, and that doesn't make you a failure.
As with your friends, don't compare yourself to them. I'm in the same boat, which feels weird, b/c for the first time, I feel like I'm "falling behind" what I "should" be doing, and when I go to events, I sometimes feel like I can't relate to things, but we all move at our own pace.
I think what's most alarming though is that you felt insecure and anxious while you were in the relationship. And it seems like you still are feeling that way, but in a slightly different way. I think right now, you need to focus on yourself. I know it's easier said than done and it's hard b/c progress sometimes comes slowly, but try to regain your self confidence. Think, who are you? What are your values? What are you passionate about? Was there something that you wanted to do that you never had the chance to do?
Regardless though, baby steps. Some days are better than others. And even if you feel really down one day, after a couple really good days, again, don't be hard on yourself. We have our ups and downs, so give yourself time to digest and accept your feelings. You'll get through this! :)
posted by littleliar at 1:27 PM on May 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
Maybe ask yourself, if you saw him around being the same, distant-self he was before, rather than the seeming-to-have-moved-on-self, would you feel differently? I think you would... Maybe you're thinking, "if he's changed" or "things could be different this time," but trust the gut you had when you broke up. It seems like you gave it a lot of time and thought when you did the breaking up, so it wasn't a rash decision. Trust yourself and your judgment. And don't be so harsh on yourself! It's not a competition of who seems happier now. We all process at a different pace and in different ways. And know that you have so much courage! It's so hard to leave someone we love and are in a relationship, to go from having a go-to person to being alone, but you made such a touch decision, which is so great!
Sometimes too, you love someone but you just can't make it work, esp. when it comes to a marriage. Whether it's timing, maturity, finances, etc., it just didn't work out, and that doesn't make you a failure.
As with your friends, don't compare yourself to them. I'm in the same boat, which feels weird, b/c for the first time, I feel like I'm "falling behind" what I "should" be doing, and when I go to events, I sometimes feel like I can't relate to things, but we all move at our own pace.
I think what's most alarming though is that you felt insecure and anxious while you were in the relationship. And it seems like you still are feeling that way, but in a slightly different way. I think right now, you need to focus on yourself. I know it's easier said than done and it's hard b/c progress sometimes comes slowly, but try to regain your self confidence. Think, who are you? What are your values? What are you passionate about? Was there something that you wanted to do that you never had the chance to do?
Regardless though, baby steps. Some days are better than others. And even if you feel really down one day, after a couple really good days, again, don't be hard on yourself. We have our ups and downs, so give yourself time to digest and accept your feelings. You'll get through this! :)
posted by littleliar at 1:27 PM on May 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
I know I will get through this. Hopefully sooner rather than later!!
It's really annoying when you logically KNOW you will feel better someday, but you currently don't, and you're just like "why can't I fast-forward through all these stupid, chemically-driven FEELINGS and get on with my life already?!" I think all overthinkers who go through breakups get this. I certainly did/do!
posted by showbiz_liz at 1:49 PM on May 11, 2015 [5 favorites]
It's really annoying when you logically KNOW you will feel better someday, but you currently don't, and you're just like "why can't I fast-forward through all these stupid, chemically-driven FEELINGS and get on with my life already?!" I think all overthinkers who go through breakups get this. I certainly did/do!
posted by showbiz_liz at 1:49 PM on May 11, 2015 [5 favorites]
It might help to remind yourself that this relationship wasn't wasted time. It was you learning what you don't need, what you won't put up with. You've said you don't have a lot of relationship experience. Well, now you have some, and you'll learn from it and make better decisions in the future. Just a little something to roll in with the ruminations!
posted by The Noble Goofy Elk at 10:34 PM on May 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by The Noble Goofy Elk at 10:34 PM on May 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
From the advice above what resonated to me: "One of the hard lessons of adulthood is that you can love someone (and they can even love you back in some ways) and they can still be the wrong person for you."
I strongly believe in this and it has personally helped me walk away from many wrong persons with less regret. I still love them to this day, but the emotional pain is less ever present and fades with time.
Our stories are very similar to something I'm going through as well, almost eerily so. I strongly believe ambivalence is a silent "break up", and a cowardly one. Kudos to you having the courage to recognize it and take action. It may hurt that he's moving on without you instead of coming back and begging for a second chance. Have you considered this maybe being a part of your anxiety?
<3
posted by hillabeans at 1:11 PM on May 12, 2015
I strongly believe in this and it has personally helped me walk away from many wrong persons with less regret. I still love them to this day, but the emotional pain is less ever present and fades with time.
Our stories are very similar to something I'm going through as well, almost eerily so. I strongly believe ambivalence is a silent "break up", and a cowardly one. Kudos to you having the courage to recognize it and take action. It may hurt that he's moving on without you instead of coming back and begging for a second chance. Have you considered this maybe being a part of your anxiety?
<3
posted by hillabeans at 1:11 PM on May 12, 2015
Response by poster: At hillabeans:
Most definitely. I didn't end it with the belief that he would fight for us, but I hoped by leaving he might finally see that I was important in his life and get his crap together. But that wasn't the case. He's enjoying his life without me and moving on fine. It just confirms my fears that I was way more invested than him. And that HURTS.
posted by Lillypad331 at 6:47 PM on May 12, 2015
Most definitely. I didn't end it with the belief that he would fight for us, but I hoped by leaving he might finally see that I was important in his life and get his crap together. But that wasn't the case. He's enjoying his life without me and moving on fine. It just confirms my fears that I was way more invested than him. And that HURTS.
posted by Lillypad331 at 6:47 PM on May 12, 2015
Turn that hurt into the gold of a lesson learned. You came here multiple times asking how to make him invest more, and everyone said you can't force someone to love you, and that it sounded like a bad fit, and it wasn't going to work out, and you deserved to have what you wanted but you could only have that from a person who wanted to give it to you, and you couldn't make him want to.
And still, in your eventual breakup with him, you were still hoping to make him be something else and want something else.
If he's doing great now, it was definitely a bad fit. Not your fault, not his fault. Square peg, round hole. If you had walked away the first time you questioned how to make him be something he wasn't, it would have hurt a lot less. You kind of volunteered for this pain.
Think about what you can do differently next time. Decide now, when there's no heat of the moment, what your standards are and under what conditions you will continue/escalate a relationship with someone (which is different than assuming forever from the jump and then needing 47 heartbreaks before you walk away).
The exercise of doing this will help the pain, because you'll be doing something productive. You may go through a phase of being angry with yourself, so do exercise self-care during this process and don't beat yourself up.
Sit down and work it out on paper: Do you need someone who takes his turn initiating activities together? Great, don't keep dating people who don't do that - let them go date someone who is totally control-freaky about those things. If you are generally looking for a long-term relationship, don't date someone who tells you eh, he's in no hurry, can't really see himself married. There's a woman out there who wants or even needs a man like that because of the circumstances of her own life, let him fly free to her now instead of 18 months from now when you are heartbroken that he turned out to be exactly who he said he was.
There's a respect involved in letting people be who they are rather than who you are determined to make them be. You didn't really respect that guy, because you wouldn't believe him and you couldn't accept him as-is. You had a boyfriend-shaped outline in your head, and when he didn't fit it you kept folding and tucking and shoving him into it, and that's not how it works.
You can have the boyfriend-shaped outline, you really should have a general idea of what is and isn't a fit for you in your life, but that means you have to accept that not all of the men on the planet are going to fit and you have to let them pass on by if they don't.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:10 AM on May 13, 2015 [5 favorites]
And still, in your eventual breakup with him, you were still hoping to make him be something else and want something else.
If he's doing great now, it was definitely a bad fit. Not your fault, not his fault. Square peg, round hole. If you had walked away the first time you questioned how to make him be something he wasn't, it would have hurt a lot less. You kind of volunteered for this pain.
Think about what you can do differently next time. Decide now, when there's no heat of the moment, what your standards are and under what conditions you will continue/escalate a relationship with someone (which is different than assuming forever from the jump and then needing 47 heartbreaks before you walk away).
The exercise of doing this will help the pain, because you'll be doing something productive. You may go through a phase of being angry with yourself, so do exercise self-care during this process and don't beat yourself up.
Sit down and work it out on paper: Do you need someone who takes his turn initiating activities together? Great, don't keep dating people who don't do that - let them go date someone who is totally control-freaky about those things. If you are generally looking for a long-term relationship, don't date someone who tells you eh, he's in no hurry, can't really see himself married. There's a woman out there who wants or even needs a man like that because of the circumstances of her own life, let him fly free to her now instead of 18 months from now when you are heartbroken that he turned out to be exactly who he said he was.
There's a respect involved in letting people be who they are rather than who you are determined to make them be. You didn't really respect that guy, because you wouldn't believe him and you couldn't accept him as-is. You had a boyfriend-shaped outline in your head, and when he didn't fit it you kept folding and tucking and shoving him into it, and that's not how it works.
You can have the boyfriend-shaped outline, you really should have a general idea of what is and isn't a fit for you in your life, but that means you have to accept that not all of the men on the planet are going to fit and you have to let them pass on by if they don't.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:10 AM on May 13, 2015 [5 favorites]
He's probably a good guy, but as a guy, I know how messed up I am at 39, and how really messed up I was at 24, so if he is unsettled, it could be turbulent. I have no advice, but I wish you well.
posted by Shylo at 7:15 PM on May 15, 2015
posted by Shylo at 7:15 PM on May 15, 2015
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The exact opposite. Your anxiety is currently making you ignore all the bad things about him and focus on the handful of good.
posted by showbiz_liz at 9:23 AM on May 11, 2015 [58 favorites]