Considering contacting an ex...
May 4, 2015 4:11 PM Subscribe
After 18 months of virtually no-contact, I am considering reaching out to my ex. I think my reasons for doing so are healthy, with an eye towards moving on and letting go (as opposed to courting drama) - but I would like input from others who have found themselves in a similar position. Also, if I do go ahead and reach out, what is the best way to do so? Behold the great wall of text:
We were together for 4 years and, in retrospect, unhappy for a fairly significant part of that time. We were a bad match, and breaking up was the right thing to do. By the same token, I still cared for her quite a bit and held on strongly to the hope and happiness of the early days of our relationship. (I'm a man, now 44, never married. We started dating when I was 39.) Making the decision to end things was extraordinarily difficult - it involved about 6 months of couples therapy. She protested and told me that she didn't want us to end.
Flash forward 4 months later and I come to find out (via Facebook) that she became engaged to someone else. We had been on no-contact during those 4 months. Although the reality of our separateness was real to me, the revelation of her moving on hit me on a very deep, existential level. I spiraled, with all the classic symptoms of anxiety and depression (no sleep, no appetite, constant state of agitation, fear, anxiety, joyless outlook - the works).
Since then we have had virtually no contact until she reached out to me a couple of months ago, just to touch base. I didn't feel ready to interact with her directly and told her so. One of the things I have struggled with is letting myself feel - I judge myself for feeling bad. Since I was the one who ended it (and since I was unhappy in the relationship for such a long time), the prevailing wisdom is that I ought to feel relieved to be free. But the truth is that I'm filled with a huge sense of self-hatred in respect to her and our end. Receiving her email triggered those feelings for me.
A hugely complicating factor is that we work in the same small, hyper-competitive arts field. She is much newer to our community than I am (she relocated for our relationship) but is now experiencing a career-defining degree of success and, it would seem, acceptance and validation. So I'm left feeling like our break-up is one of those that you see on The Green where, as soon as it ends, one party blossoms and flourishes after no longer being held back by the stifling relationship. In this case, that would be her. Intellectually, I am very happy for her - as I mentioned, she relocated for us, which no doubt weighed on me heavily as I considered ending things. The fact that she has done so well is so much easier than the alternative, which would have dramatically complicated our disentangling.
With her new-found career success, however, I find myself inundated by reminders of her, and it hits me on a personal and professional level - it inspires lots of feelings of inadequacy. And this is where I began considering reaching out to her. Although no contact felt necessary and beneficial in the early days, it now feels artificial and forced - it feels a bit like I am squeezing my eyes shut and plugging my ears in the hopes of blocking out the memories and, ultimately, the associated feelings. It doesn't feel like self-preservation anymore - it feels like denial.
So in keeping with Pema Chodron's advice of (to paraphrase) treating challenges as opportunities and addressing anxiety and stress not by blocking them out but rather by embracing them, I thought I'd drop her a line. My goal is not to re-hash anything but rather to re-assert that she is a good person with whom I shared a lot and that it's okay to feel sad and miss her. I think so much of the negative feelings that I experience are really more about me than about her. I create this dynamic where she is all that is Good and I am small and unworthy - and I think that our lack of contact only serves to feed this fantasy. I work on disabling it - in therapy, via exercise, via meditation, etc. But I would like to go further, and I wonder if direct contact - painful though it may be - wouldn't help me in this regard.
I'm not looking to be intrusive or to stalk her in any way whatsoever. When she reached out to me, she indicated that she was open to being friends. I am not at that level of neutrality with her yet. But I think I can do better. I know I deserve better. And I worry that I'm boxing myself in to an unnecessarily small social and professional ghetto by not pushing myself a bit more, in terms of exposure and coping.
(For the record, my therapist is generally in favor of the idea of confronting things more directly than I have been. He proposed that I browse her facebook page, but I declined - I didn't feel ready to see wedding pictures and such. When I told him I was afraid that I might react to contact with her by concluding that I still loved her and that I regret ending it - just playing out worst case scenarios - he responded that, if that's the way I feel, then it is better to know it and feel it than to keep it hidden and unknown.)
So - does this just sound like gratuitous self-punishment? Am I addicted to drama and simply concocting a way to give myself a hit? Am I being impatient? Is there a point where no-contact with an ex actually becomes unhealthy? Although I have generally mapped out in my head what I want to say to her, how would you go about writing such an email?
Thanks for reading.
We were together for 4 years and, in retrospect, unhappy for a fairly significant part of that time. We were a bad match, and breaking up was the right thing to do. By the same token, I still cared for her quite a bit and held on strongly to the hope and happiness of the early days of our relationship. (I'm a man, now 44, never married. We started dating when I was 39.) Making the decision to end things was extraordinarily difficult - it involved about 6 months of couples therapy. She protested and told me that she didn't want us to end.
Flash forward 4 months later and I come to find out (via Facebook) that she became engaged to someone else. We had been on no-contact during those 4 months. Although the reality of our separateness was real to me, the revelation of her moving on hit me on a very deep, existential level. I spiraled, with all the classic symptoms of anxiety and depression (no sleep, no appetite, constant state of agitation, fear, anxiety, joyless outlook - the works).
Since then we have had virtually no contact until she reached out to me a couple of months ago, just to touch base. I didn't feel ready to interact with her directly and told her so. One of the things I have struggled with is letting myself feel - I judge myself for feeling bad. Since I was the one who ended it (and since I was unhappy in the relationship for such a long time), the prevailing wisdom is that I ought to feel relieved to be free. But the truth is that I'm filled with a huge sense of self-hatred in respect to her and our end. Receiving her email triggered those feelings for me.
A hugely complicating factor is that we work in the same small, hyper-competitive arts field. She is much newer to our community than I am (she relocated for our relationship) but is now experiencing a career-defining degree of success and, it would seem, acceptance and validation. So I'm left feeling like our break-up is one of those that you see on The Green where, as soon as it ends, one party blossoms and flourishes after no longer being held back by the stifling relationship. In this case, that would be her. Intellectually, I am very happy for her - as I mentioned, she relocated for us, which no doubt weighed on me heavily as I considered ending things. The fact that she has done so well is so much easier than the alternative, which would have dramatically complicated our disentangling.
With her new-found career success, however, I find myself inundated by reminders of her, and it hits me on a personal and professional level - it inspires lots of feelings of inadequacy. And this is where I began considering reaching out to her. Although no contact felt necessary and beneficial in the early days, it now feels artificial and forced - it feels a bit like I am squeezing my eyes shut and plugging my ears in the hopes of blocking out the memories and, ultimately, the associated feelings. It doesn't feel like self-preservation anymore - it feels like denial.
So in keeping with Pema Chodron's advice of (to paraphrase) treating challenges as opportunities and addressing anxiety and stress not by blocking them out but rather by embracing them, I thought I'd drop her a line. My goal is not to re-hash anything but rather to re-assert that she is a good person with whom I shared a lot and that it's okay to feel sad and miss her. I think so much of the negative feelings that I experience are really more about me than about her. I create this dynamic where she is all that is Good and I am small and unworthy - and I think that our lack of contact only serves to feed this fantasy. I work on disabling it - in therapy, via exercise, via meditation, etc. But I would like to go further, and I wonder if direct contact - painful though it may be - wouldn't help me in this regard.
I'm not looking to be intrusive or to stalk her in any way whatsoever. When she reached out to me, she indicated that she was open to being friends. I am not at that level of neutrality with her yet. But I think I can do better. I know I deserve better. And I worry that I'm boxing myself in to an unnecessarily small social and professional ghetto by not pushing myself a bit more, in terms of exposure and coping.
(For the record, my therapist is generally in favor of the idea of confronting things more directly than I have been. He proposed that I browse her facebook page, but I declined - I didn't feel ready to see wedding pictures and such. When I told him I was afraid that I might react to contact with her by concluding that I still loved her and that I regret ending it - just playing out worst case scenarios - he responded that, if that's the way I feel, then it is better to know it and feel it than to keep it hidden and unknown.)
So - does this just sound like gratuitous self-punishment? Am I addicted to drama and simply concocting a way to give myself a hit? Am I being impatient? Is there a point where no-contact with an ex actually becomes unhealthy? Although I have generally mapped out in my head what I want to say to her, how would you go about writing such an email?
Thanks for reading.
Write her a letter and throw it away if you've got something to say for catharsis' sake.
I agree. You want to contact her for reasons of your own emotional well-being. That's ok and I get where you are coming from, but it will not give you what you seek. You will not magically feel better after contacting her to say whatever.
The communication you really need is with yourself. That's why the old write-the-letter-but-don't-send-it trick works so well.
posted by Thella at 4:24 PM on May 4, 2015 [11 favorites]
I agree. You want to contact her for reasons of your own emotional well-being. That's ok and I get where you are coming from, but it will not give you what you seek. You will not magically feel better after contacting her to say whatever.
The communication you really need is with yourself. That's why the old write-the-letter-but-don't-send-it trick works so well.
posted by Thella at 4:24 PM on May 4, 2015 [11 favorites]
I think that you should only contact your ex when you feel the right amount of contact is polite detachment. If you're expecting more than that, you'll only create more messiness, which will prevent you from moving forward, which is the only possible outcome of your situation (regardless of how much pain and time your route to get there takes).
Regarding your feelings that she's in a better place: life is in constant flux. It is almost never the case that one ex (or friend, or acquaintance) is permanently better off than the other. And this kind of measuring is detrimental to your personal growth. Things happen in life: unemployment, divorce, death. There is no categorical 'better' or 'blossoming'.
The only thing you should seek is to move on. Both for your sake and hers. The process will be painful no doubt, and some days you will wake up feeling like zero contact is the best thing, and some days you will miss her. But those are feelings, and not facts of reality. They are not written in the stars or some physics textbooks. And these feelings will fade in time, if you put effort towards that goal.
From the 7 cardinal rules of life: time heals almost everything, give it time.
I wish you all the best.
posted by kinoeye at 4:25 PM on May 4, 2015 [6 favorites]
Regarding your feelings that she's in a better place: life is in constant flux. It is almost never the case that one ex (or friend, or acquaintance) is permanently better off than the other. And this kind of measuring is detrimental to your personal growth. Things happen in life: unemployment, divorce, death. There is no categorical 'better' or 'blossoming'.
The only thing you should seek is to move on. Both for your sake and hers. The process will be painful no doubt, and some days you will wake up feeling like zero contact is the best thing, and some days you will miss her. But those are feelings, and not facts of reality. They are not written in the stars or some physics textbooks. And these feelings will fade in time, if you put effort towards that goal.
From the 7 cardinal rules of life: time heals almost everything, give it time.
I wish you all the best.
posted by kinoeye at 4:25 PM on May 4, 2015 [6 favorites]
You are way too invested in this relationship still for this to be a good idea.
The only--and I mean the only--contact that would be healthy for you to have with her at this point if you really must reach out would be a short (SHORT) note that says approximately this:
posted by phunniemee at 4:27 PM on May 4, 2015 [14 favorites]
The only--and I mean the only--contact that would be healthy for you to have with her at this point if you really must reach out would be a short (SHORT) note that says approximately this:
Hi, Jessica!Don't say a single thing more. It will only set your progress back and it will bump you up to first place on her list of unpleasant things to avoid.
I just saw that you've [achieved] a [career-defining degree of success] and wanted to say congrats! I know how hard you worked for it and I'm really happy for you.
All the best!
-anonymous
posted by phunniemee at 4:27 PM on May 4, 2015 [14 favorites]
I say this as someone who has been on the receiving end of a handful of pour-your-heart-out emails from exes post breakup, and honestly the level of cringe is just palpable. It immediately takes the person from "someone I feel fondly about but no longer have romantic feelings for" to "someone who makes me uncomfortable who I will now pointedly try to avoid."
posted by phunniemee at 4:30 PM on May 4, 2015 [45 favorites]
posted by phunniemee at 4:30 PM on May 4, 2015 [45 favorites]
With her new-found career success, however, I find myself inundated by reminders of her...
And I worry that I'm boxing myself in to an unnecessarily small social and professional ghetto by not pushing myself a bit more, in terms of exposure and coping.
I will suggest you not "reach out to her" but simply stop actively trying to avoid her. Don't write her an email, but stop cutting yourself off professionally from possible accidental run-ins. Stop trying to arrange your life to not see her, hear her, bump into her. Stop trying to arrange your life to not feel whatever it is you feel.
If you do art, pour your feelings into your art, not in a stalkerish way but in a cathartic way. Also, spend some time trying to imagine or work out appropriate, light-hearted replies for situations where you might run into here. Don't try to figure out what personal, emotional stuff you might want to discuss. Try to figure out what small talk stuff you might want to engage in: "Congrats on Thing!" ..."I saw an announcement of your Art Event the other day. I hope that is going well." and so on.
This is harder to do than what you are looking to do. It is also a better way to more forward.
Best of luck.
posted by Michele in California at 4:31 PM on May 4, 2015 [6 favorites]
And I worry that I'm boxing myself in to an unnecessarily small social and professional ghetto by not pushing myself a bit more, in terms of exposure and coping.
I will suggest you not "reach out to her" but simply stop actively trying to avoid her. Don't write her an email, but stop cutting yourself off professionally from possible accidental run-ins. Stop trying to arrange your life to not see her, hear her, bump into her. Stop trying to arrange your life to not feel whatever it is you feel.
If you do art, pour your feelings into your art, not in a stalkerish way but in a cathartic way. Also, spend some time trying to imagine or work out appropriate, light-hearted replies for situations where you might run into here. Don't try to figure out what personal, emotional stuff you might want to discuss. Try to figure out what small talk stuff you might want to engage in: "Congrats on Thing!" ..."I saw an announcement of your Art Event the other day. I hope that is going well." and so on.
This is harder to do than what you are looking to do. It is also a better way to more forward.
Best of luck.
posted by Michele in California at 4:31 PM on May 4, 2015 [6 favorites]
So many words for you having regrets and not being over her. We've all been there. Sometimes it ebbs and flows for a long time. You're rationalizing a desire to see where things might lead if you just took this one step, and you know it and it shines between the lines of your post. You're still in love. It's ok, but she's moved on and you were the one who set her free. Live with it. Deal with it.
Give it much more time. Keep your distance.
(ETA: Easier said than done, I know.)
posted by spitbull at 4:31 PM on May 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
Give it much more time. Keep your distance.
(ETA: Easier said than done, I know.)
posted by spitbull at 4:31 PM on May 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
Let it go. It really hasn't been very long and based on what you've written I don't think it will go as well as you think. Deal with this stuff on your own instead.
posted by Hermione Granger at 4:36 PM on May 4, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Hermione Granger at 4:36 PM on May 4, 2015 [2 favorites]
The way you wrote this question makes it seem like you're in a headspace where continuing no-contact is exactly the best and smartest course of action. If there's a friendly-exes level of contact in your future, it'll probably be after you're spending a hell of a lot less time thinking about her.
posted by prize bull octorok at 4:39 PM on May 4, 2015 [10 favorites]
posted by prize bull octorok at 4:39 PM on May 4, 2015 [10 favorites]
So in keeping with Pema Chodron's advice of (to paraphrase) treating challenges as opportunities and addressing anxiety and stress not by blocking them out but rather by embracing them, I thought I'd drop her a line.
I haven't read Chodron, so I'm guessing here, but do you think it is perhaps her intention that you treat stress and anxiety as opportunities to embrace and confront your own feelings, rather than literally confronting the person who is causing you stress and anxiety (i.e. your ex, your abuser, or whoever)?
What I mean is, treating this as an opportunity to learn more about yourself, to grow as a person, to get past insecurities.
Just something to think about?
posted by treehorn+bunny at 4:40 PM on May 4, 2015 [42 favorites]
I haven't read Chodron, so I'm guessing here, but do you think it is perhaps her intention that you treat stress and anxiety as opportunities to embrace and confront your own feelings, rather than literally confronting the person who is causing you stress and anxiety (i.e. your ex, your abuser, or whoever)?
What I mean is, treating this as an opportunity to learn more about yourself, to grow as a person, to get past insecurities.
Just something to think about?
posted by treehorn+bunny at 4:40 PM on May 4, 2015 [42 favorites]
treehorn+bunny has Chodron right.
Please do not contact this ex.
posted by wonton endangerment at 4:44 PM on May 4, 2015 [3 favorites]
Please do not contact this ex.
posted by wonton endangerment at 4:44 PM on May 4, 2015 [3 favorites]
You're not ready yet. I mean, talk through your specific plan with your therapist, I guess. But in my opinion, reestablishing contact will only go well when you no longer need or want contact in order to get the kind of closure you're seeking.
posted by J. Wilson at 4:46 PM on May 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by J. Wilson at 4:46 PM on May 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
What your goal? If you see news of a specific achievement, you could send a Very Brief card, email, facebook message to say Congratulations. That would signal the end of No Contact, would be appropriate and kind. But no emotional outpouring, not even a small one. No drama at all.
By all means, write a long letter. It may help you. Do Not Send It.
posted by theora55 at 4:47 PM on May 4, 2015
By all means, write a long letter. It may help you. Do Not Send It.
posted by theora55 at 4:47 PM on May 4, 2015
When I told him I was afraid that I might react to contact with her by concluding that I still loved her and that I regret ending it...
I think you might already know deep down where this rabbithole leads. It's not really fair to burden her with your feelings, and the relief you seek won't come from contacting her anyway. What could you even say? If you keep the chitchat cheery and superficial, you're going to feel like you're holding it all in, about to burst. If you let it all out, you'll wind up alienating her and stirring up all kinds of sadness and resentment in both of you.
Give yourself time. Understand that these feelings seem to be compelling you to do something, but feelings are not the absolute truth in all matters. Sometimes feelings lie to us (*I MUST do this IMPORTANT thing RIGHT NOW*) and lead us down dark paths. Allow yourself to feel everything, write it down in a mock letter or in a journal, or whatever your preferred medium of expression is. Then let it ride. When you're ready is when you no longer need her, at all, for anything.
posted by keep it under cover at 4:53 PM on May 4, 2015 [5 favorites]
I think you might already know deep down where this rabbithole leads. It's not really fair to burden her with your feelings, and the relief you seek won't come from contacting her anyway. What could you even say? If you keep the chitchat cheery and superficial, you're going to feel like you're holding it all in, about to burst. If you let it all out, you'll wind up alienating her and stirring up all kinds of sadness and resentment in both of you.
Give yourself time. Understand that these feelings seem to be compelling you to do something, but feelings are not the absolute truth in all matters. Sometimes feelings lie to us (*I MUST do this IMPORTANT thing RIGHT NOW*) and lead us down dark paths. Allow yourself to feel everything, write it down in a mock letter or in a journal, or whatever your preferred medium of expression is. Then let it ride. When you're ready is when you no longer need her, at all, for anything.
posted by keep it under cover at 4:53 PM on May 4, 2015 [5 favorites]
Don't work out your emotional drama on this poor person. That is selfish. She's not directly or indirectly involved in what's going on in your head and/or any closure you are on about.
Also, you sound like you are going in circles and jumping through hoops trying to justify what boils down to :
I'm jealous of my ex and her total success bouncing back after I blew up our relationship. I want to get back in touch with her, stir up some drama, hopefully undermine her success and justify my failures - then I can chalk it all my troubles up to fate or blame my unhappiness on her. Will you please help me deceive myself regarding my intentions?
posted by jbenben at 4:58 PM on May 4, 2015 [11 favorites]
Also, you sound like you are going in circles and jumping through hoops trying to justify what boils down to :
I'm jealous of my ex and her total success bouncing back after I blew up our relationship. I want to get back in touch with her, stir up some drama, hopefully undermine her success and justify my failures - then I can chalk it all my troubles up to fate or blame my unhappiness on her. Will you please help me deceive myself regarding my intentions?
posted by jbenben at 4:58 PM on May 4, 2015 [11 favorites]
Leave her alone. I think you're jealous of her success and want to mess with her. I don't see why you're checking her FB page at all.
posted by Ideefixe at 5:01 PM on May 4, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by Ideefixe at 5:01 PM on May 4, 2015 [6 favorites]
I'm jealous of my ex and her total success bouncing back after I blew up our relationship. I want to get back in touch with her, stir up some drama, hopefully undermine her success and justify my failures
And what will actually happen is that in addition to turning her off, big time, and probably failing to achieve closure, you'll feel worse about yourself for having exposed your need and vulnerability. It's a face-losing move in every way. Stay well clear of her! And focus on your own stuff.
posted by cotton dress sock at 5:02 PM on May 4, 2015 [7 favorites]
And what will actually happen is that in addition to turning her off, big time, and probably failing to achieve closure, you'll feel worse about yourself for having exposed your need and vulnerability. It's a face-losing move in every way. Stay well clear of her! And focus on your own stuff.
posted by cotton dress sock at 5:02 PM on May 4, 2015 [7 favorites]
The question isn't "Should I do this" it is "what's the best way to do this" and the answer is "In 2016." If you still feel like contacting her next year, go for it. But right now you ain't ready.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 5:08 PM on May 4, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by Potomac Avenue at 5:08 PM on May 4, 2015 [3 favorites]
Eighteen months may not be enough time for you to re-establish contact. I would avoid her FB or any kind of social media for at least 18 months more. While you may be ready to date others (or not), it doesn't sound like you're ready to be friends with her.
Since you asked about others in a similar position, there was a period of time when I would hear from three of my exes about once a year, coincidentally, after the holidays. All three had dumped me. I was on good terms with two (would be happy to go to lunch or something, but it never happened because life), and on weird terms with one. Weird terms guy ended up sending me a very heartfelt letter about his regrets in dumping me three years after he ended it. It was indeed cringe-worthy and made me feel uncomfortable. I mean, good for him that he was working through his feelings, and it's an ego boost to know that someone who dumped you has regrets, I didn't feel like I owed him much more than I'd already given over the years. I struggled to figure out how to respond in a way that would be respectful and not hurtful but honest about my feelings - that I had moved on, was engaged, and had no hard feelings but didn't want to be friends beyond being professional and pleasant with one another (we are also in the same field) given how he'd treated me toward the end of our relationship. I eventually sent him an email to that effect. I also pointed out ways in which I wasn't a good match for him and that he would probably find someone much more compatible. I really do wish him well.
Now that I'm married, the post-holiday ex calls/emails have evaporated. I have a feeling that people would get back in touch with me because they wanted either validation or thought there might be a possibility of getting back together, at least for a fling. Pretty human but also awkward for the dumpee trying to move on with her life.
posted by Pearl928 at 5:15 PM on May 4, 2015 [4 favorites]
Since you asked about others in a similar position, there was a period of time when I would hear from three of my exes about once a year, coincidentally, after the holidays. All three had dumped me. I was on good terms with two (would be happy to go to lunch or something, but it never happened because life), and on weird terms with one. Weird terms guy ended up sending me a very heartfelt letter about his regrets in dumping me three years after he ended it. It was indeed cringe-worthy and made me feel uncomfortable. I mean, good for him that he was working through his feelings, and it's an ego boost to know that someone who dumped you has regrets, I didn't feel like I owed him much more than I'd already given over the years. I struggled to figure out how to respond in a way that would be respectful and not hurtful but honest about my feelings - that I had moved on, was engaged, and had no hard feelings but didn't want to be friends beyond being professional and pleasant with one another (we are also in the same field) given how he'd treated me toward the end of our relationship. I eventually sent him an email to that effect. I also pointed out ways in which I wasn't a good match for him and that he would probably find someone much more compatible. I really do wish him well.
Now that I'm married, the post-holiday ex calls/emails have evaporated. I have a feeling that people would get back in touch with me because they wanted either validation or thought there might be a possibility of getting back together, at least for a fling. Pretty human but also awkward for the dumpee trying to move on with her life.
posted by Pearl928 at 5:15 PM on May 4, 2015 [4 favorites]
I've been there. Let it go. Do not touch alcohol or any sort of mind/mood-altering substance that may convince you in the moment it is a good idea until this passes. You will not get the sort of response you want, and it will only hurt you both. Let it go.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 5:24 PM on May 4, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 5:24 PM on May 4, 2015 [2 favorites]
You mention getting in touch with her to re-assert that she is a good person with whom I shared a lot and that it's okay to feel sad and miss her.
Don't do that. That's an emotional process for you to work through on your own, not anything you should burden her with. The most you should do if you want to move forward a little bit is stop actively avoiding her. And you don't have to send any kind of announcement to her that you're doing that. Just say hey if you run into her at a work event, or shoot her an email with a link to a newspaper article with a single line "thought you might find this interesting."
You can't even bring yourself to skim her Facebook page yet. Whatever's going on with you emotionally in regards to this woman you are NOT ready to be friends.
posted by MsMolly at 5:24 PM on May 4, 2015 [6 favorites]
Don't do that. That's an emotional process for you to work through on your own, not anything you should burden her with. The most you should do if you want to move forward a little bit is stop actively avoiding her. And you don't have to send any kind of announcement to her that you're doing that. Just say hey if you run into her at a work event, or shoot her an email with a link to a newspaper article with a single line "thought you might find this interesting."
You can't even bring yourself to skim her Facebook page yet. Whatever's going on with you emotionally in regards to this woman you are NOT ready to be friends.
posted by MsMolly at 5:24 PM on May 4, 2015 [6 favorites]
It sounds like you are still projecting your own struggles on to her. When you want to engage her as her own person and not a mirror for your feelings, that is when you will be ready to contact her.
posted by mandymanwasregistered at 5:25 PM on May 4, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by mandymanwasregistered at 5:25 PM on May 4, 2015 [2 favorites]
You're upset by things that are happening in her life, in a way that you wouldn't be without the lingering attachment. You're not ready. (Feel free to MeMail me and ask me how I know.)
posted by snuffleupagus at 5:27 PM on May 4, 2015
posted by snuffleupagus at 5:27 PM on May 4, 2015
So in keeping with Pema Chodron's advice of (to paraphrase) treating challenges as opportunities and addressing anxiety and stress not by blocking them out but rather by embracing them, I thought I'd drop her a line. My goal is not to re-hash anything but rather to re-assert that she is a good person with whom I shared a lot and that it's okay to feel sad and miss her. I think so much of the negative feelings that I experience are really more about me than about her. I create this dynamic where she is all that is Good and I am small and unworthy - and I think that our lack of contact only serves to feed this fantasy. I work on disabling it - in therapy, via exercise, via meditation, etc. But I would like to go further, and I wonder if direct contact - painful though it may be - wouldn't help me in this regard.
For her sake, or for your sake? It's good to assert, to yourself or to a third party such as a trusted friend, that she's a good person and it's okay for you to feel sad and miss her. You don't need to assert that to her. Take a step back.
I'm not looking to be intrusive or to stalk her in any way whatsoever.
Also, whenever you find yourself strenuously needing to deny that you're stalking someone whatsoever, it's a good rule of thumb to just not do whatever the thing in question is.
posted by mermily at 5:27 PM on May 4, 2015 [7 favorites]
For her sake, or for your sake? It's good to assert, to yourself or to a third party such as a trusted friend, that she's a good person and it's okay for you to feel sad and miss her. You don't need to assert that to her. Take a step back.
I'm not looking to be intrusive or to stalk her in any way whatsoever.
Also, whenever you find yourself strenuously needing to deny that you're stalking someone whatsoever, it's a good rule of thumb to just not do whatever the thing in question is.
posted by mermily at 5:27 PM on May 4, 2015 [7 favorites]
I ended a long, difficult relationship in late 2006. For the next year, my ex called me several times a week, anywhere from 10pm to 4am, and did not leave a message. I kept thinking he would tire of this game. He did not.
I left him a message asking him to please stop because it was pathetic and creepy.
After that, he called about 3 or 4 times a year for about 5 years, and since then it's been about 1 or 2 times per year. I think he's on the once a year schedule now.
It's still pathetic and creepy.
posted by janey47 at 5:29 PM on May 4, 2015 [3 favorites]
I left him a message asking him to please stop because it was pathetic and creepy.
After that, he called about 3 or 4 times a year for about 5 years, and since then it's been about 1 or 2 times per year. I think he's on the once a year schedule now.
It's still pathetic and creepy.
posted by janey47 at 5:29 PM on May 4, 2015 [3 favorites]
The one and only thing that made me contact an ex recently was the fact that he now lives in Baltimore and I wanted to say that I hoped he was safe. And even that gave me a mental wedgie.
Unless your ex is in a similarly volatile and news-worthy situation I'd avoid it.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:35 PM on May 4, 2015
Unless your ex is in a similarly volatile and news-worthy situation I'd avoid it.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:35 PM on May 4, 2015
Responding specifically because (1) you mention that you two are in such a small professional context that avoiding one another probably takes a degree of effort and (2) I've been watching two friends (who dated for several years but broke up seven years ago) go through this no-contact game for all seven of them.
Unless you fancy relocating to escape the pressure brought on by the thought of contact with your ex, it seems that the possible scenarios that play out when you try to get in touch are limited enough to generalize. I can mentally sort these scenarios into 'good' and 'bad' columns, and I'm not coming up with too many in the 'bad' column. Some, sure, but not many. Can you? If you can imagine scanarios that are worse potential outcomes than I can imagine, then perhaps no contact is best. Likewise, if you can imagine good things that will come out of this--being able to relax from your state of tension over what it might be like among them--then it's worth testing the waters.
As I said before, I've been watching two friends play this complicated game for so long that it's corroded other relationships of theirs beyond the one between them. I can't handle being around them in settings where they might bump into each other because their tension is never hidden. It's made worse by circumstances--party A now owns the bar where parties A and B met, and party A has very publicly flipped out at party B for showing up there on more than one occasion, but our mutual friend groups all socialize in the world of this bar and its sister bars/bartenders/barstaffs--but the net effect is that all parties involved have been touched by this poison. At first it was to be expected, but... christ, seven years and no sign of stopping. A and B refuse to meet up in private to have a discussion, it's left to the winds to decide when and where the tension comes to a head. Mutual friends used to play referee for them, but we've all given up at this point and have silently agreed to just let them be like this.
I hope you two can find common ground, but it's not always to be found. The attempt to do so, though, is noble and I hope you can find reason and motivation to attempt a platonic peace for the sake of your well-being, you exes' well-being, and the well-being of everyone in your small scene who has been caught in the middle for the last 18 months.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 5:36 PM on May 4, 2015
Unless you fancy relocating to escape the pressure brought on by the thought of contact with your ex, it seems that the possible scenarios that play out when you try to get in touch are limited enough to generalize. I can mentally sort these scenarios into 'good' and 'bad' columns, and I'm not coming up with too many in the 'bad' column. Some, sure, but not many. Can you? If you can imagine scanarios that are worse potential outcomes than I can imagine, then perhaps no contact is best. Likewise, if you can imagine good things that will come out of this--being able to relax from your state of tension over what it might be like among them--then it's worth testing the waters.
As I said before, I've been watching two friends play this complicated game for so long that it's corroded other relationships of theirs beyond the one between them. I can't handle being around them in settings where they might bump into each other because their tension is never hidden. It's made worse by circumstances--party A now owns the bar where parties A and B met, and party A has very publicly flipped out at party B for showing up there on more than one occasion, but our mutual friend groups all socialize in the world of this bar and its sister bars/bartenders/barstaffs--but the net effect is that all parties involved have been touched by this poison. At first it was to be expected, but... christ, seven years and no sign of stopping. A and B refuse to meet up in private to have a discussion, it's left to the winds to decide when and where the tension comes to a head. Mutual friends used to play referee for them, but we've all given up at this point and have silently agreed to just let them be like this.
I hope you two can find common ground, but it's not always to be found. The attempt to do so, though, is noble and I hope you can find reason and motivation to attempt a platonic peace for the sake of your well-being, you exes' well-being, and the well-being of everyone in your small scene who has been caught in the middle for the last 18 months.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 5:36 PM on May 4, 2015
I have a feeling that people would get back in touch with me because they wanted either validation or thought there might be a possibility of getting back together, at least for a fling
A very good ex and friend of mine once, recently, told me that he loved me and probably always would love me - that he deeply regretted our breakup and thought it made him poorer. He said that he had to come to terms with it in order to be friends with me, and he did it by turning the love from sexual-romantic love, to platonic overwhelming love. That he still loved me very much, but he had to turn it into non-sexual in order to survive and be sane and my friend.
Is this something you can do?
posted by corb at 5:38 PM on May 4, 2015 [2 favorites]
A very good ex and friend of mine once, recently, told me that he loved me and probably always would love me - that he deeply regretted our breakup and thought it made him poorer. He said that he had to come to terms with it in order to be friends with me, and he did it by turning the love from sexual-romantic love, to platonic overwhelming love. That he still loved me very much, but he had to turn it into non-sexual in order to survive and be sane and my friend.
Is this something you can do?
posted by corb at 5:38 PM on May 4, 2015 [2 favorites]
I think Pema Chodron wanted you to embrace your own anxiety, not put it on someone else.
Leave it alone. If you do not have children together then no, there is never a point where no-contact becomes unhealthy.
posted by Lyn Never at 6:10 PM on May 4, 2015 [13 favorites]
Leave it alone. If you do not have children together then no, there is never a point where no-contact becomes unhealthy.
posted by Lyn Never at 6:10 PM on May 4, 2015 [13 favorites]
What are you hoping to get out of this? There's a good chance you'll creep her out and it will do nothing to curb your obsession with her.
posted by futureisunwritten at 6:14 PM on May 4, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by futureisunwritten at 6:14 PM on May 4, 2015 [5 favorites]
A very good ex and friend of mine once, recently, told me that he loved me and probably always would love me - that he deeply regretted our breakup and thought it made him poorer. He said that he had to come to terms with it in order to be friends with me, and he did it by turning the love from sexual-romantic love, to platonic overwhelming love. That he still loved me very much, but he had to turn it into non-sexual in order to survive and be sane and my friend.
This is still a huge load of cringe and ugh to dump on someone, no matter how it's presented.
You sound really obsessed still. This leads nowhere good. I've had close friends initiate contact in similar situations and it's still a very warped way to approach it.
This isn't about being friends, as has been said, this is about some weird one-directional connection and emotional dump trucking.
You're telling her that something you feel you need, which really means you feel entitled to, is her problem to solve by doing this. That's deeply unfair, tiresome, and honestly a bit creepy.
You really do still sound obsessed. And i've watched friends kind of destroy their reputation interpersonally and even professionally doing this kind of stuff.
I've had it take years before i could really be normal platonic friends with someone. Like 4 years even. That's not ridiculous long, and as long as you're going "well it's been this amount of time. time has passed, therefor i can finally do this!" then you sound like someone who goes "i'm not an alcoholic if i only drink on saturday nights", who also goes "WOOO it's saturday i'm allowed to drink!!" every saturday.
If you're watching the clock and looking for technicalities of why it's ok, you're not over it, even ignoring everything else. When you finally just don't really care that much either way and just have a vague friendship/fondness lingering then you're ok.
I also know people for whom that will never happen. And the real adult thing to do is disconnect, not try and parlay it in to something "very intense but platonic" like corb's friend.
posted by emptythought at 6:48 PM on May 4, 2015 [7 favorites]
This is still a huge load of cringe and ugh to dump on someone, no matter how it's presented.
You sound really obsessed still. This leads nowhere good. I've had close friends initiate contact in similar situations and it's still a very warped way to approach it.
This isn't about being friends, as has been said, this is about some weird one-directional connection and emotional dump trucking.
You're telling her that something you feel you need, which really means you feel entitled to, is her problem to solve by doing this. That's deeply unfair, tiresome, and honestly a bit creepy.
You really do still sound obsessed. And i've watched friends kind of destroy their reputation interpersonally and even professionally doing this kind of stuff.
I've had it take years before i could really be normal platonic friends with someone. Like 4 years even. That's not ridiculous long, and as long as you're going "well it's been this amount of time. time has passed, therefor i can finally do this!" then you sound like someone who goes "i'm not an alcoholic if i only drink on saturday nights", who also goes "WOOO it's saturday i'm allowed to drink!!" every saturday.
If you're watching the clock and looking for technicalities of why it's ok, you're not over it, even ignoring everything else. When you finally just don't really care that much either way and just have a vague friendship/fondness lingering then you're ok.
I also know people for whom that will never happen. And the real adult thing to do is disconnect, not try and parlay it in to something "very intense but platonic" like corb's friend.
posted by emptythought at 6:48 PM on May 4, 2015 [7 favorites]
Flash forward 4 months later and I come to find out (via Facebook) that she became engaged to someone else. We had been on no-contact during those 4 months. Although the reality of our separateness was real to me, the revelation of her moving on hit me on a very deep, existential level. I spiraled, with all the classic symptoms of anxiety and depression (no sleep, no appetite, constant state of agitation, fear, anxiety, joyless outlook - the works).
You are not in love with her. If you were, the yearning wouldn't have only been triggered by her engagement. She signifies lost opportunities to you -all the things you believe you could have had if you had made better and different choices. But you did not make bad choices. You were right to end things because you were unhappy. That is the only choice that matters here.
You feel unsuccessful and unsatisfied with your career; and so you imagine that her success would have been yours if only you hadn't ended the relationship, and that her success is somehow a sign that you were wrong to end things between you. That is nonsense. You're framing this as though she "won" the breakup and you lost and that's the silliest thing I've ever heard. Neither professional success, nor breakups, are a zero-sum game. She would still be successful if she were in a relationship with you. Your own success depends on some combination of talent, luck, and hard work and has nothing to do with the fact that you broke up with her. The fact that she is successful and happy now, in the present, has nothing to do with the truth that, in the past, you were unhappy together. All of these things are disconnected and yet you're weaving them together into a tapestry that places her at the center of your life and it is a lie.
You want to go back to this woman because you want to rewind time and revisit your choices, unweave the tapestry of your life now and go down a different path [apologies for mixing metaphors]. You want the opportunity to fix your mistakes. But they weren't mistakes and the past is the past. Forgive yourself for all the choices that you've made that got you to this point. You have nothing to regret. Figure out how to love the life you have now. Let her go.
posted by pretentious illiterate at 6:53 PM on May 4, 2015 [19 favorites]
You are not in love with her. If you were, the yearning wouldn't have only been triggered by her engagement. She signifies lost opportunities to you -all the things you believe you could have had if you had made better and different choices. But you did not make bad choices. You were right to end things because you were unhappy. That is the only choice that matters here.
You feel unsuccessful and unsatisfied with your career; and so you imagine that her success would have been yours if only you hadn't ended the relationship, and that her success is somehow a sign that you were wrong to end things between you. That is nonsense. You're framing this as though she "won" the breakup and you lost and that's the silliest thing I've ever heard. Neither professional success, nor breakups, are a zero-sum game. She would still be successful if she were in a relationship with you. Your own success depends on some combination of talent, luck, and hard work and has nothing to do with the fact that you broke up with her. The fact that she is successful and happy now, in the present, has nothing to do with the truth that, in the past, you were unhappy together. All of these things are disconnected and yet you're weaving them together into a tapestry that places her at the center of your life and it is a lie.
You want to go back to this woman because you want to rewind time and revisit your choices, unweave the tapestry of your life now and go down a different path [apologies for mixing metaphors]. You want the opportunity to fix your mistakes. But they weren't mistakes and the past is the past. Forgive yourself for all the choices that you've made that got you to this point. You have nothing to regret. Figure out how to love the life you have now. Let her go.
posted by pretentious illiterate at 6:53 PM on May 4, 2015 [19 favorites]
One of the most useful sentences I've ever read on this site: "Friendship is not the consolation prize for the dumpee, nor the absolution for the dumper."
You're not ready. Please let it go and respect her space. Don't be like the guy who broke up with me and then contacted me every month or so to be "friendly." He didn't respect my space, and years later I dread running into him because he still acts creepy.
posted by Orange Dinosaur Slide at 7:04 PM on May 4, 2015 [5 favorites]
You're not ready. Please let it go and respect her space. Don't be like the guy who broke up with me and then contacted me every month or so to be "friendly." He didn't respect my space, and years later I dread running into him because he still acts creepy.
posted by Orange Dinosaur Slide at 7:04 PM on May 4, 2015 [5 favorites]
It also kind of sounds like you're looking for some closure -- from her. That you too are a good, successful person, and that she (the one who "won") respects your professional/artistic achievements reciprocally.
That closure isn't isn't a gift she can give you. It's in you. It doesn't come from external sources. Only you can give... you closure.
Trust me -- looking externally for validation from an ex only leads to potential cringe moments.
You can give yourself closure by valuing and liking yourself/your professional and artistic output. By pushing yourself to always do better than last time, to compete with yourself.
Good luck! Just keep mum, and continue to find out how badass you can be when you look to yourself.
posted by functionequalsform at 7:05 PM on May 4, 2015 [3 favorites]
That closure isn't isn't a gift she can give you. It's in you. It doesn't come from external sources. Only you can give... you closure.
Trust me -- looking externally for validation from an ex only leads to potential cringe moments.
You can give yourself closure by valuing and liking yourself/your professional and artistic output. By pushing yourself to always do better than last time, to compete with yourself.
Good luck! Just keep mum, and continue to find out how badass you can be when you look to yourself.
posted by functionequalsform at 7:05 PM on May 4, 2015 [3 favorites]
Don't do this to yourself. If you can't accept her marriage, you can't accept her. You have to deal with your thoughts and feelings another way.
posted by oceanjesse at 7:21 PM on May 4, 2015
posted by oceanjesse at 7:21 PM on May 4, 2015
I think so much of the negative feelings that I experience are really more about me than about her. I create this dynamic where she is all that is Good and I am small and unworthy - and I think that our lack of contact only serves to feed this fantasy.Man, this really just sounds like getting back in touch with your ex is the worst thing you could do for your psychological well-being. Read this paragraph back to yourself and then ask why you think you can be friends with this woman. Some people are able to be friends after a breakup, I've seen it happen, but those cases are exceptional, and it requires a lot of work on the part of both individuals to re-establish new boundaries. There is nothing weak or cowardly or mean or cruel about just not talking to your ex ever again and moving on with your life, especially if you still have this kind of fixation on them as the source of all happiness in your life. That's a recipe for misery and disaster.
My take on this? You're way too hung up on this. The relationship is over. Draw on your experiences with your ex as a source of learning and to help you make decisions about how/if you want to pursue another relationship in the future. I think this is the most healthy possible response for you.
posted by deathpanels at 7:54 PM on May 4, 2015 [3 favorites]
She is in a whole new place with all new drama and emotional processing. It's not "better," but it's very different. I think if you get in touch now, it will worsen your feelings of inferiority. Instead I'd focus on those feelings themselves and what it might look like or take to overcome them.
posted by salvia at 8:10 PM on May 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by salvia at 8:10 PM on May 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
Yeah, you have way too many loaded emotions still. Getting in touch with her to tell her all about them is ... well, this is a horrible metaphor but I think reasonably accurate in terms of the ick factor - it would be like getting in touch with her to tell her you still find her amazingly sexy and you think about her when you masturbate. Just vastly inappropriate and selfish and all about your own gratification, not at all about her.
I do think it's reasonable to strive for a pleasant neutrality upon seeing her in shared social/professional settings. I think that if you are currently avoiding going places or attending events on the off-chance that you might run into her, that's obviously something to work on. So if sending her a pleasant but neutral note along the lines of phunniemee's suggestion above helps you feel like you are establishing that pleasant neutrality, go for it. But nothing more. Trust me, I can recognise serious emotional hang-ups when I see them, and you've got them in spades.
Something to think about with the no-contact thing: it's not meant to be a punishment, with friendship as a reward at the end if you manage to complete it successfully. It's meant to be partly space for you to work through your understandably mixed-up feelings and emotions, but it's also meant to be a respite. A healing space. Not seeing them so you aren't reminded constantly of this person who meant so much to you. There's always a period of time where no-contact is filled with lots of dwelling on what could have been, what could have been different/better/made it work etc. But the relief part should be in there somewhere as well, sometimes mixed up with the dwelling. Until gradually you find you're more in the relief stage and less of the dwelling. You sound like you are still ruminating over the past and what could have been, and this is not a good time to try the friendship part.
posted by Athanassiel at 10:44 PM on May 4, 2015 [3 favorites]
I do think it's reasonable to strive for a pleasant neutrality upon seeing her in shared social/professional settings. I think that if you are currently avoiding going places or attending events on the off-chance that you might run into her, that's obviously something to work on. So if sending her a pleasant but neutral note along the lines of phunniemee's suggestion above helps you feel like you are establishing that pleasant neutrality, go for it. But nothing more. Trust me, I can recognise serious emotional hang-ups when I see them, and you've got them in spades.
Something to think about with the no-contact thing: it's not meant to be a punishment, with friendship as a reward at the end if you manage to complete it successfully. It's meant to be partly space for you to work through your understandably mixed-up feelings and emotions, but it's also meant to be a respite. A healing space. Not seeing them so you aren't reminded constantly of this person who meant so much to you. There's always a period of time where no-contact is filled with lots of dwelling on what could have been, what could have been different/better/made it work etc. But the relief part should be in there somewhere as well, sometimes mixed up with the dwelling. Until gradually you find you're more in the relief stage and less of the dwelling. You sound like you are still ruminating over the past and what could have been, and this is not a good time to try the friendship part.
posted by Athanassiel at 10:44 PM on May 4, 2015 [3 favorites]
consider this: closure is not actually needing closure anymore.
posted by macinchik at 11:26 PM on May 4, 2015 [10 favorites]
posted by macinchik at 11:26 PM on May 4, 2015 [10 favorites]
If you can't bring yourself to look at her pictures on facebook, what makes you think that being in real, live contact with her will be less painful than that?
This situation is kind of a Catch-22: If you feel a real, compulsive pull to contact her, that's exactly when you shouldn't be doing it. If contacting her was something that provoked no great emotion in you, and you had no real interest in doing it, it would probably be fine to do.
posted by penguin pie at 2:09 AM on May 5, 2015 [5 favorites]
This situation is kind of a Catch-22: If you feel a real, compulsive pull to contact her, that's exactly when you shouldn't be doing it. If contacting her was something that provoked no great emotion in you, and you had no real interest in doing it, it would probably be fine to do.
posted by penguin pie at 2:09 AM on May 5, 2015 [5 favorites]
No. Just don't. Obviously.
What your therapist said about going over her Facebook page is most likely not a recommendation to actually contact her. I would construe it as a practical exercise demonstrating that you are not over her. That you be aware of that.
You resent the fact that she has moved on, romantically and professionally. You have this awful sense that her new-found success proves you were the bad guy all along.
But there's no truth in that. Envy, resentment and regret are all natural feelings that make you human. Try not to be led by them, however. Focus on what you already have - your health, your career, your friends. Things will change, and you will change.
Six or seven years on, you may become friends. But for now, forget it.
posted by Pechorin at 5:06 AM on May 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
What your therapist said about going over her Facebook page is most likely not a recommendation to actually contact her. I would construe it as a practical exercise demonstrating that you are not over her. That you be aware of that.
You resent the fact that she has moved on, romantically and professionally. You have this awful sense that her new-found success proves you were the bad guy all along.
But there's no truth in that. Envy, resentment and regret are all natural feelings that make you human. Try not to be led by them, however. Focus on what you already have - your health, your career, your friends. Things will change, and you will change.
Six or seven years on, you may become friends. But for now, forget it.
posted by Pechorin at 5:06 AM on May 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
I agree that you are not ready for contact & may never be. On the other hand, if you're working in the same industry & hearing about her success all the time, then I think phunniemee's email is perfect. You congratulate her & that's it. No need for her to respond, no heart-wrenching conversations required, you're just sending her well wishes. Expressing that positive energy without expectation could be very freeing, but only if you're capable of doing that & nothing more for the foreseeable future.
posted by katemcd at 10:13 AM on May 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by katemcd at 10:13 AM on May 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
Although no contact felt necessary and beneficial in the early days, it now feels artificial and forced - it feels a bit like I am squeezing my eyes shut and plugging my ears in the hopes of blocking out the memories and, ultimately, the associated feelings. It doesn't feel like self-preservation anymore - it feels like denial.
Sounds to me like you were in denial in the early days of the breakup and now reality has hit you hard, bro. Now is not the time to contact her, that time has passed. Now is the time to go through the stages of mourning, which you didn't go through after the breakup.
posted by waving at 11:57 AM on May 5, 2015
Sounds to me like you were in denial in the early days of the breakup and now reality has hit you hard, bro. Now is not the time to contact her, that time has passed. Now is the time to go through the stages of mourning, which you didn't go through after the breakup.
posted by waving at 11:57 AM on May 5, 2015
This isnt looking for drama so much as tilling a field, planting seeds, watering them, protecting them while they grow, and then harvesting your bounty of drama.
You are hurting, and you are looking for her to heal you. This is all kinds of unacceptable, sorry.
Expressing your feelings- all of them, good, bad, pain, hurt, jealousy, anger, etc, etc- in a letter you DO NOT SEND is generally very helpful. I recommend ceremoniously burning it. or write the same sorta thing on a helium balloon and let it go.
You do not need to be friends with her. Polite and mildly distant at receptions, work events, the grocery store is ok. If you are sometime, in the future, ok with being friends with her (which, again: Not mandatory) it will be after healing and moving on and not this twisted love-hate-jealous-regret hydra.
posted by Jacen at 12:40 PM on May 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
You are hurting, and you are looking for her to heal you. This is all kinds of unacceptable, sorry.
Expressing your feelings- all of them, good, bad, pain, hurt, jealousy, anger, etc, etc- in a letter you DO NOT SEND is generally very helpful. I recommend ceremoniously burning it. or write the same sorta thing on a helium balloon and let it go.
You do not need to be friends with her. Polite and mildly distant at receptions, work events, the grocery store is ok. If you are sometime, in the future, ok with being friends with her (which, again: Not mandatory) it will be after healing and moving on and not this twisted love-hate-jealous-regret hydra.
posted by Jacen at 12:40 PM on May 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
"she reached out to me a couple of months ago, just to touch base. I didn't feel ready to interact with her directly and told her so... But the truth is that I'm filled with a huge sense of self-hatred in respect to her and our end. Receiving her email triggered those feelings for me."
I'm sorry, but what on earth makes you think you are emotionally ready to be in touch with this person now... or ever? Every mention of her has made you feel like shit! Full stop. Are you actively trying to feel bad? To answer your question, yes, this sounds like you maybe attempting to engage in "gratuitous self-punishment." Don't.
So you're obviously still not ready, and the truth is you may never be ready to interact with her-- and guess what? That's ok! There is no rule of life that says "we must have interactions with our exes." Nope! Not having to hang around people who we don't have kids with and who make us feel like shit, for whatever reason, is one of the best things about being a grown-ass adult.
You felt self-hatred when she reached out to you. Wow. Pay attention to that. You cannot bring yourself to take your therapist's advice to browse her Facebook page. Ok, but why should you? If you had really wanted to look, you would have already.
There is absolutely nothing wrong on the facts of your situation with you just completely avoiding this lovely, successful ex of yours who, through no fault of her own, just so happens to bring you intense emotional pain. As a matter of fact, I've said pretty much the exact same thing to folks struggling with infertility - they don't get some gold star for browsing the Facebook pictures of friends who've just had, say, their unplanned third baby. Hell no! Sometimes not looking back and avoiding people is the exact right play-- and while "confronting things" certainly may be a virtue to some, it is not the right choice for everyone. I think your therapist gave you good advice for a lot of people but bad advice for you personally, probably because he was trained to believe something like avoidance = repression = bad. No. Leave your ex alone. Do not engage. Definitely do not look to her to meet your own emotional needs by reading some words on a page from you. Avoid. Work on yourself. Move back to wherever you came from if you must. I'm serious. Good luck.
posted by hush at 1:44 PM on May 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
I'm sorry, but what on earth makes you think you are emotionally ready to be in touch with this person now... or ever? Every mention of her has made you feel like shit! Full stop. Are you actively trying to feel bad? To answer your question, yes, this sounds like you maybe attempting to engage in "gratuitous self-punishment." Don't.
So you're obviously still not ready, and the truth is you may never be ready to interact with her-- and guess what? That's ok! There is no rule of life that says "we must have interactions with our exes." Nope! Not having to hang around people who we don't have kids with and who make us feel like shit, for whatever reason, is one of the best things about being a grown-ass adult.
You felt self-hatred when she reached out to you. Wow. Pay attention to that. You cannot bring yourself to take your therapist's advice to browse her Facebook page. Ok, but why should you? If you had really wanted to look, you would have already.
There is absolutely nothing wrong on the facts of your situation with you just completely avoiding this lovely, successful ex of yours who, through no fault of her own, just so happens to bring you intense emotional pain. As a matter of fact, I've said pretty much the exact same thing to folks struggling with infertility - they don't get some gold star for browsing the Facebook pictures of friends who've just had, say, their unplanned third baby. Hell no! Sometimes not looking back and avoiding people is the exact right play-- and while "confronting things" certainly may be a virtue to some, it is not the right choice for everyone. I think your therapist gave you good advice for a lot of people but bad advice for you personally, probably because he was trained to believe something like avoidance = repression = bad. No. Leave your ex alone. Do not engage. Definitely do not look to her to meet your own emotional needs by reading some words on a page from you. Avoid. Work on yourself. Move back to wherever you came from if you must. I'm serious. Good luck.
posted by hush at 1:44 PM on May 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
As I understand it, the contact you want to make is basically saying "Hi, you're awesome, I'm still sad, it's okay to be sad."
This seems to me like a bad idea; I feel like what you would be doing is putting responsibility for your feelings on her shoulders. More to the point, you're the person who ended it, so that is even more inappropriate.
I'd suggest that you refrain from contact until the contact is going to be something that really does look like old friends catching up. Otherwise you're a) showing that you're really not over it, and b) potentially ripping open old wounds for her.
I feel like one of the best ways to teach yourself that you deserve better things is to be better to yourself, and this kind of contact would read to me as "woe is me, I am so woeful and you are so awesome," which is just continuing your pattern of being cruel to yourself. Best of luck.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 10:48 PM on May 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
This seems to me like a bad idea; I feel like what you would be doing is putting responsibility for your feelings on her shoulders. More to the point, you're the person who ended it, so that is even more inappropriate.
I'd suggest that you refrain from contact until the contact is going to be something that really does look like old friends catching up. Otherwise you're a) showing that you're really not over it, and b) potentially ripping open old wounds for her.
I feel like one of the best ways to teach yourself that you deserve better things is to be better to yourself, and this kind of contact would read to me as "woe is me, I am so woeful and you are so awesome," which is just continuing your pattern of being cruel to yourself. Best of luck.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 10:48 PM on May 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
It might help to laugh about it a little.
"Who's More Over Their Ex?"
posted by snuffleupagus at 6:36 AM on May 7, 2015
"Who's More Over Their Ex?"
posted by snuffleupagus at 6:36 AM on May 7, 2015
I hope you chose not to contact her. It will stir up a ton of emotions that will cause you more anxiety and stress. I recently emailed an ex because I felt guilty about how we parted. He responded and explained that he understood why I needed to walk away. Anyhow, it was pointless and only served to resurrect emotions and feelings I had moved past. I'm hoping to rebound quickly but I'd be lying if I said it hadn't set me back. I just have to remind myself that there were many great reasons why we weren't good for each other. I'm sure the same holds true for you. When you start to go down the dark road of reminiscing remind yourself of the traits, actions and other things about her that ultimately lead you to the decision to end it. They are very real and unacceptable to you.
posted by sunflower79 at 11:15 AM on August 3, 2015
posted by sunflower79 at 11:15 AM on August 3, 2015
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 4:18 PM on May 4, 2015 [32 favorites]