How can I understand how someone we trusted molested my daughter?
May 2, 2015 3:04 PM   Subscribe

My husband and I were stunned when our daughter told us that her nanny had touched her inappropriately (with details). We'd completely trusted the nanny, who'd worked for our family for more than four years and had excellent references. Of course, we fired him and notified the police. Our daughter did not say anything about the abuse in the forensic investigation, so the case was dropped (although we were still advised to keep the nanny away from our child). How can my husband and I make sense of this?

Are there resources that would help us understand how someone we thought we knew so well and trusted so completely could be a child molester? For example, are there support groups for parents who have been through this?
posted by anonymousy to Human Relations (11 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
 
Best answer: Pandora's Aquariam and After Silence both have forums for Secondary survivors - people whose loved ones have been abused. They should be able to give you resources. I'm so sorry that you're all going through this.
posted by Laura_J at 3:09 PM on May 2, 2015 [5 favorites]


An important thing to remember for survivors, secondary survivors, and mandated reporters: the most "successful" molesters and sexual predators would be those who are good at establishing trust, rather than the creepy man lurking around the park in the long trenchcoat in August who sets off everyone's "stranger danger" radar, no?

You know this wasn't your daughter's fault, but definitely pursue help to understand this wasn't your fault, either--your only culpability would have been if you did not believe your daughter and immediately end contact with this man, and you did both of these things. You're terrific parents.
posted by blue suede stockings at 3:30 PM on May 2, 2015 [29 favorites]


Response by poster: Laura_j, thank you, although it looks like After Silence may be defunct. I didn't get my registration confirmation email, and none of the information looks up-to-date.
posted by anonymousy at 4:10 PM on May 2, 2015


my parents raised a child molester and one of his victims (me). we were raised nearly identically. we're only 3 years apart. he, from early childhood, was a master at getting people to trust him. he couldn't keep it up and most caught on eventually, but until his mask slipped, you'd think he was a great guy. this is what these monsters specialize in.

part of the trouble squaring the person you thought you know with the person they turned out to be is that there's an outsized focus on stranger danger and creeps when it comes to popular depictions of sexual assault against children. people always think they'd be able to know if someone was a rapist or a child molester or murder or whatever. fact of the matter, as i'm sure you know, is that it's nearly always someone close and trusted. this is one reason why it's hard for victims to be believed - we have to convince those we're telling that the person they trusted isn't trustworthy - it shakes people to their core.

i definitely encourage you guys to get into solo and couples counseling - the guilt from my situation in some ways destroyed my parents because they never sought help for themselves.
posted by nadawi at 4:17 PM on May 2, 2015 [29 favorites]


I cannot assist you with specific resources, other than to reiterate counseling for all involved. A similar situation almost destroyed one of the strongest marriages I've known. Please help yourselves too.

And you've raised a great kid - she valued herself enough to know she didn't deserve to be assaulted. And she trusted you enough to tell you, and she knew you would believe her. You are great parents. My best wishes for your family as you move through this terrible situation.
posted by killy willy at 4:28 PM on May 2, 2015 [8 favorites]


Anonymousy - I've just logged in and there are posts from today on there. Maybe try again or give them a little longer.
posted by Laura_J at 5:07 PM on May 2, 2015


Thank you for believing your daughtet and taking action. You have done the biggest most inportant thing you could have done for her. Far more than you could know.

She will be even more baffled by this than you are and she will inevitably blame herself. All survivors do. The only way to make sense of it is to think you somehow provoked it. You will probably blame yourselves too - it is common - but it is important to focus on your daughter and her emotions from here on. It is great you are seeking support. You are doing all the right things. Hang in there.
posted by PercussivePaul at 5:47 PM on May 2, 2015 [5 favorites]


Best answer: I'm so sorry for what your family is experiencing.

Please know that pedophiles are MASTERS at manipulation. Not only of their victims, but of all those around them. Malcolm Gladwell explains it so well in an excellent article in the aftermath of the Jerry Sandusky crimes and fallout. Very, very well worth the read:

http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2012/09/24/in-plain-view
posted by Gathering Rosebuds at 6:17 PM on May 2, 2015 [6 favorites]


I didn't get my registration confirmation email

Just to be sure... have you checked your spam folder?

(You'd be amazed how many times I've forgotten that.)
posted by Shmuel510 at 6:23 PM on May 2, 2015


sent you a mefi mail
posted by metahawk at 7:17 PM on May 2, 2015


Response by poster: Shmuel510, I did check my spam folder, and I sent an email to the moderators (to which I have not yet gotten a response). I got into Pandora's Aquarium, however, so it doesn't matter to me that I didn't get into After Silence. Thank you.
posted by anonymousy at 7:38 AM on May 3, 2015 [1 favorite]


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