Should I break up?
April 23, 2015 1:39 PM Subscribe
I'm in a 9 month relationship and have been wrestling with the decision to break up for most of its duration. I don't know if the problem lies with me or if the relationship is truly a bad one. Details inside.
I'm 31 years old and have only been in 4 relationships, one of which lasted 5 years and was probably emotionally abusive. I don't know if I've ever been truly happy in a relationship and have a tendency to nitpick and find faults in each relationship, almost to a compulsive degree. This results in unhappiness and conflict in the relationship and further mental confliction and disruptive rumination. It's very hard for me to fall in love and in fact, besides my first relationship (the bad and unhealthy one) in which I might have loved him in the beginning while it was still good (or maybe it was infatuation....) I don't recall being in love any other time. I'm not sure if that first relationship has caused some type of mental block on me or what but I've had a problem with deciding to fully commit in a relationship ever since.
I kinda knew with this current one that we might not be compatible in the first place bc we are so different in terms of interests and our communication wasn't that stimulating from the first date onwards but I was extremely attracted to him and we had amazing chemistry and sex that I agreed to be exclusive. I also liked that he wanted to spend a lot of time with me and we do have a good time together when we hang out. We've had some issues but we were able to communicate and work through a lot of them. The problem is still the same in that I don't feel like we can ever have deep conversations together. He is a very private person and doesn't like to delve too deeply into any conversation topic so we usually stick with small talk and "how was your day" talks and gossip about his friends, etc. I'm still very attracted to him and comfortable and feel like he is committed to me but Ive been unhappy.
I'm not sure if the unhappiness lies with me bc i might have relationship ocd in which you're constantly debating breaking up in every relationship. Should I break up with my BF bc I'm bored conversationally with him or try to make it work. My fear is I'll start dating someone else and the same problem will arise with me contemplating a breakup endlessly. I also have a problem jumping into relationships due to attraction and chemistry rather than more sunstantial attributes (ex my last BF was unemployed for most of our relationship). All the guys Ive been in a relationship with have been nice respectful guys (besides the first one who started out that way but revealed his true colors after 1.5 years) who are loyal and committed to being in a relationship with me. I don't find jerks or alpha douche bags appealing no matter how attractive. Anyways please help. I also have a problem breaking up in relationships. I find it really stressful and tend to avoid it or stay too long in an unsatisfactory relationship. Please advise. Should I break up? Work it out? Get counseling? If so what kind? I've looked up therapists and most of them are marriage counsellors or specializing in depression, ptsd, ocd or substance abuse, etc. I'm not sure what's wrong with me other than I need help picking better more compatible partners and being in happy relationships.
I'm 31 years old and have only been in 4 relationships, one of which lasted 5 years and was probably emotionally abusive. I don't know if I've ever been truly happy in a relationship and have a tendency to nitpick and find faults in each relationship, almost to a compulsive degree. This results in unhappiness and conflict in the relationship and further mental confliction and disruptive rumination. It's very hard for me to fall in love and in fact, besides my first relationship (the bad and unhealthy one) in which I might have loved him in the beginning while it was still good (or maybe it was infatuation....) I don't recall being in love any other time. I'm not sure if that first relationship has caused some type of mental block on me or what but I've had a problem with deciding to fully commit in a relationship ever since.
I kinda knew with this current one that we might not be compatible in the first place bc we are so different in terms of interests and our communication wasn't that stimulating from the first date onwards but I was extremely attracted to him and we had amazing chemistry and sex that I agreed to be exclusive. I also liked that he wanted to spend a lot of time with me and we do have a good time together when we hang out. We've had some issues but we were able to communicate and work through a lot of them. The problem is still the same in that I don't feel like we can ever have deep conversations together. He is a very private person and doesn't like to delve too deeply into any conversation topic so we usually stick with small talk and "how was your day" talks and gossip about his friends, etc. I'm still very attracted to him and comfortable and feel like he is committed to me but Ive been unhappy.
I'm not sure if the unhappiness lies with me bc i might have relationship ocd in which you're constantly debating breaking up in every relationship. Should I break up with my BF bc I'm bored conversationally with him or try to make it work. My fear is I'll start dating someone else and the same problem will arise with me contemplating a breakup endlessly. I also have a problem jumping into relationships due to attraction and chemistry rather than more sunstantial attributes (ex my last BF was unemployed for most of our relationship). All the guys Ive been in a relationship with have been nice respectful guys (besides the first one who started out that way but revealed his true colors after 1.5 years) who are loyal and committed to being in a relationship with me. I don't find jerks or alpha douche bags appealing no matter how attractive. Anyways please help. I also have a problem breaking up in relationships. I find it really stressful and tend to avoid it or stay too long in an unsatisfactory relationship. Please advise. Should I break up? Work it out? Get counseling? If so what kind? I've looked up therapists and most of them are marriage counsellors or specializing in depression, ptsd, ocd or substance abuse, etc. I'm not sure what's wrong with me other than I need help picking better more compatible partners and being in happy relationships.
My fear is I'll start dating someone else and the same problem will arise with me contemplating a breakup endlessly.
So what? No really, so what? That's what you have NOW. If you're afraid of what you have now happening to you, then why bother to maintain what you have now, since it's apparently something to be feared?
If you want to give this current relationship a final shot - which, since he seems like a decent guy from this question, you may as well do, even if you wind up breaking up later - tell him you'd like to get more intimate with him - not physically, but verbally and emotionally. If he gets weirded out by that after nine months, then fuck him, anyhow. If he doesn't, then congrats! That's step one.
posted by showbiz_liz at 1:52 PM on April 23, 2015 [6 favorites]
So what? No really, so what? That's what you have NOW. If you're afraid of what you have now happening to you, then why bother to maintain what you have now, since it's apparently something to be feared?
If you want to give this current relationship a final shot - which, since he seems like a decent guy from this question, you may as well do, even if you wind up breaking up later - tell him you'd like to get more intimate with him - not physically, but verbally and emotionally. If he gets weirded out by that after nine months, then fuck him, anyhow. If he doesn't, then congrats! That's step one.
posted by showbiz_liz at 1:52 PM on April 23, 2015 [6 favorites]
1. Each relationship fails until one doesn't.
2. Lots of people feel like their first love was special and more "real."
3. Interests are not the most important thing to base a relationship on, especially as we get older. Character is.
4. Ditto looks and good sex.
All of that said:
5. I need more information on what "deep conversations" means. Communicating through disagreements and negotiating compromise is crucial. Being able to be honest and vulnerable is crucial. Discussing Proust until 3AM is not crucial.
Decide accordingly.
posted by quincunx at 1:54 PM on April 23, 2015 [17 favorites]
2. Lots of people feel like their first love was special and more "real."
3. Interests are not the most important thing to base a relationship on, especially as we get older. Character is.
4. Ditto looks and good sex.
All of that said:
5. I need more information on what "deep conversations" means. Communicating through disagreements and negotiating compromise is crucial. Being able to be honest and vulnerable is crucial. Discussing Proust until 3AM is not crucial.
Decide accordingly.
posted by quincunx at 1:54 PM on April 23, 2015 [17 favorites]
The problem is still the same in that I don't feel like we can ever have deep conversations together. He is a very private person and doesn't like to delve too deeply into any conversation topic so we usually stick with small talk and "how was your day" talks and gossip about his friends, etc.
To me, that could be a serious deal breaker. If it is for you, that doesn't mean you have relationship OCD, that you look for petty reasons to breakup with people, etc. Wanting to be able to have deep conversations with your partner, at least occasionally (I totally get not wanting to do it all the time), isn't some sign that you are particularly broken as a person. That said, have you talked this out with him? Given that there is chemistry, good sex, you have a good time together, he's loyal, etc., I think it makes sense to try to resolve this issue and see if you two can gradually work on deepening some of your conversations before going straight to dumping him.
posted by Area Man at 1:58 PM on April 23, 2015 [3 favorites]
To me, that could be a serious deal breaker. If it is for you, that doesn't mean you have relationship OCD, that you look for petty reasons to breakup with people, etc. Wanting to be able to have deep conversations with your partner, at least occasionally (I totally get not wanting to do it all the time), isn't some sign that you are particularly broken as a person. That said, have you talked this out with him? Given that there is chemistry, good sex, you have a good time together, he's loyal, etc., I think it makes sense to try to resolve this issue and see if you two can gradually work on deepening some of your conversations before going straight to dumping him.
posted by Area Man at 1:58 PM on April 23, 2015 [3 favorites]
The beginning of a relationship is supposed to be the best, easiest part. It's just the two of you -- no mortage, no kids, none of the other travails that an extended period of real life involves. If it's not working now, if it's not fun and enjoyable and making you happy? Walk away. It might turn out that you need to do some personal work before you can get into a happy relationship, or it might not. But that's no reason to stick with one that's not working.
posted by BlahLaLa at 2:28 PM on April 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by BlahLaLa at 2:28 PM on April 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
I'm in a 9 month relationship and have been wrestling with the decision to break up for most of its duration.
If this is how your question starts, the only answer is yes, break up. You deserve to be with someone you feel 100% about, and your SO deserves to be in a relationship with someone who feels 100% about them. Nothing else matters. This is a relationship that should absolutely end.
Breaking up is really easy. You say, "I'm sorry, this isn't working for me any more. I think it would be best if we stopped seeing each other." You're not Shakespeare, no need to go into some big soliloquy about it. It sucks for sure, but band-aid method is the best.
posted by phunniemee at 2:38 PM on April 23, 2015 [18 favorites]
If this is how your question starts, the only answer is yes, break up. You deserve to be with someone you feel 100% about, and your SO deserves to be in a relationship with someone who feels 100% about them. Nothing else matters. This is a relationship that should absolutely end.
Breaking up is really easy. You say, "I'm sorry, this isn't working for me any more. I think it would be best if we stopped seeing each other." You're not Shakespeare, no need to go into some big soliloquy about it. It sucks for sure, but band-aid method is the best.
posted by phunniemee at 2:38 PM on April 23, 2015 [18 favorites]
I'm in a 9 month relationship and have been wrestling with the decision to break up for most of its duration.
It's very hard for me to fall in love and in fact, besides my first relationship... I don't recall being in love any other time.
I'm not sure if the unhappiness lies with me bc i might have relationship ocd in which you're constantly debating breaking up in every relationship.
I also have a problem breaking up in relationships.
This might sound crazy, but it's super-healthy to own it. Yeah, the problem is with you. You already know it is. And that's.. actually a great starting point.
It sounds like you have some bad dating habits. Simple enough advice, but this can be really hard to work on and change. Maybe it's got something to do with your first relationship, or with you growing up and your relationship with your parents. Even though that stuff happened a while ago, that's when we first started making our choices, consciously or subconsciously. Go get some counseling if that sounds like something you want to do, by yourself. That's always healthy.
Some people write a list for their relationship. A list of things they absolutely want in a partner, another list for things they can compromise on, and a list of definite no's. You can use that list to figure out if you're in the right relationship.
In the meantime, careful with the "underacting." This is standing around, doing nothing and complaining in your head that they aren't working, as if you have no ability to change or talk about things. Focusing only on the negative, and then wondering why you feel so negative. Playing the victim because you're "in a relationship," when in fact you have an equal voice. Talk about your feelings with your significant other. Otherwise, you will get stuck repeating this over and over again.
posted by phaedon at 5:12 PM on April 23, 2015 [4 favorites]
It's very hard for me to fall in love and in fact, besides my first relationship... I don't recall being in love any other time.
I'm not sure if the unhappiness lies with me bc i might have relationship ocd in which you're constantly debating breaking up in every relationship.
I also have a problem breaking up in relationships.
This might sound crazy, but it's super-healthy to own it. Yeah, the problem is with you. You already know it is. And that's.. actually a great starting point.
It sounds like you have some bad dating habits. Simple enough advice, but this can be really hard to work on and change. Maybe it's got something to do with your first relationship, or with you growing up and your relationship with your parents. Even though that stuff happened a while ago, that's when we first started making our choices, consciously or subconsciously. Go get some counseling if that sounds like something you want to do, by yourself. That's always healthy.
Some people write a list for their relationship. A list of things they absolutely want in a partner, another list for things they can compromise on, and a list of definite no's. You can use that list to figure out if you're in the right relationship.
In the meantime, careful with the "underacting." This is standing around, doing nothing and complaining in your head that they aren't working, as if you have no ability to change or talk about things. Focusing only on the negative, and then wondering why you feel so negative. Playing the victim because you're "in a relationship," when in fact you have an equal voice. Talk about your feelings with your significant other. Otherwise, you will get stuck repeating this over and over again.
posted by phaedon at 5:12 PM on April 23, 2015 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you everyone for your input. Someone asked me what I meant by "deep conversations", I want to clarify that what's lacking in our relationship is stimulating conversation, the kind where you can talk easily and effortlessly for hours and both enjoy it. Also we are lacking more intimate conversations where I feel like I'm really getting to know him, where we can relate to one another and bond with each other. I feel like I have to do most of the work when we talk by asking him questions and instead of enjoying it I feel like he finds my questions annoying and incessant. If I don't ask questions we often sit and eat in silence (eating together is where the problem becomes most pronounced bc I always associate sitting down for a meal together with someone as talking time). He doesn't ask me a lot of questions and if he does, there is rarely thoughtful follow up questions.
I've asked him about his previous relationships and he says he doesn't usually like talking about past relationships and he doesn't want to know about mine. When he does talk about it it's very surface level and doesn't delve too deep. That's just one example. I'm not the type to care much about a bfs past relationship but I find it helps to learn more about them and what worked and didn't work with their exes.
I've mentioned it to him before by stating that I don't feel like we talk much but he doesn't understand where I'm coming from and says we talk all the time. I guess it's very subjective bc I'm a more analytical person and I like to delve deeper into conversations and surface level conversations aren't enough for me. I'm not sure if this is something that can be worked on or if we're just too different in that way. Has anyone had this problem before in a relationship and if so, how did u improve on it?
posted by CheeseAndRice at 7:32 AM on April 24, 2015
I've asked him about his previous relationships and he says he doesn't usually like talking about past relationships and he doesn't want to know about mine. When he does talk about it it's very surface level and doesn't delve too deep. That's just one example. I'm not the type to care much about a bfs past relationship but I find it helps to learn more about them and what worked and didn't work with their exes.
I've mentioned it to him before by stating that I don't feel like we talk much but he doesn't understand where I'm coming from and says we talk all the time. I guess it's very subjective bc I'm a more analytical person and I like to delve deeper into conversations and surface level conversations aren't enough for me. I'm not sure if this is something that can be worked on or if we're just too different in that way. Has anyone had this problem before in a relationship and if so, how did u improve on it?
posted by CheeseAndRice at 7:32 AM on April 24, 2015
Hmm, in that case this does sound more like a fundamental incompatibility rather than a lack of clear communication about what you guys each want. If I were you I'd still give it a last ditch effort and tell him "this is what I need to feel comfortable in a relationship, and I'd like to have that with you, but if you don't think you can give it, we shouldn't keep dating."
Easier said than done, of course! Relationships are hard to figure out. But it's great that you know what you want/need.
posted by showbiz_liz at 7:45 AM on April 24, 2015
Easier said than done, of course! Relationships are hard to figure out. But it's great that you know what you want/need.
posted by showbiz_liz at 7:45 AM on April 24, 2015
it sounds like you guys are just incompatible. what's important to you isn't important to him. you can't change these kind of things. i don't think what you're asking is unreasonable. you just need a different kind of person, and that's fine. if you find yourself going back to the same pattern, maybe try dating someone "different", someone who you typically would not date. it would at least give you a wider perspective.
posted by monologish at 7:49 AM on April 24, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by monologish at 7:49 AM on April 24, 2015 [1 favorite]
Has anyone had this problem before in a relationship and if so, how did u improve on it?
I studied the arts, I'm well read, I like the theatre, Classical Music, thought-provoking television, documentaries, wine, musicals, art galleries etc. (I also like The Bachelor but let's not get sidetracked)
My fiancé didn't go to university, likes hockey, beer, chicken wings and Tosh.0.......
On paper, we're "fundamentally incompatible".. but I've never debated NOT being with him. We are amazingly compatible in so many ways and we have the greatest time together. I took him to an Agatha Christie play the other day..... he didn't love it, but he didn't hate it either and, well, he did it for me!
We've also been together for close to 7 years now and we definitely have occasions where we don't have a lot to say to each other over dinner short of "how was your day?" or "this is delicious honey". (We are BOTH guilty of this, not just him)
All I'm trying to say is that sometimes, it's easy to fantasize about the "perfect relationship" or the "perfect man" but in reality, it might not exist, and if it does, it may well look a whole lot different than you imagined.
The difference between you and I is that you do sound as if you want more, whereas I'm totally content with the way my fiancé and I balance each other out. I've had relationships whereby we've both been interested in having "deep conversations" and mostly they just ended in arguments! YMMV
In conclusion (god I'm rambly today!!) I think you can embrace fundamental differences in personality and have a successful relationship at the end of it. BUT you have to want to do so. If your desire for more is overwhelming, and you find yourself getting resentful that he doesn't ask you enough follow-up questions, then you should move on and find someone else.
posted by JenThePro at 9:15 AM on April 24, 2015 [1 favorite]
I studied the arts, I'm well read, I like the theatre, Classical Music, thought-provoking television, documentaries, wine, musicals, art galleries etc. (I also like The Bachelor but let's not get sidetracked)
My fiancé didn't go to university, likes hockey, beer, chicken wings and Tosh.0.......
On paper, we're "fundamentally incompatible".. but I've never debated NOT being with him. We are amazingly compatible in so many ways and we have the greatest time together. I took him to an Agatha Christie play the other day..... he didn't love it, but he didn't hate it either and, well, he did it for me!
We've also been together for close to 7 years now and we definitely have occasions where we don't have a lot to say to each other over dinner short of "how was your day?" or "this is delicious honey". (We are BOTH guilty of this, not just him)
All I'm trying to say is that sometimes, it's easy to fantasize about the "perfect relationship" or the "perfect man" but in reality, it might not exist, and if it does, it may well look a whole lot different than you imagined.
The difference between you and I is that you do sound as if you want more, whereas I'm totally content with the way my fiancé and I balance each other out. I've had relationships whereby we've both been interested in having "deep conversations" and mostly they just ended in arguments! YMMV
In conclusion (god I'm rambly today!!) I think you can embrace fundamental differences in personality and have a successful relationship at the end of it. BUT you have to want to do so. If your desire for more is overwhelming, and you find yourself getting resentful that he doesn't ask you enough follow-up questions, then you should move on and find someone else.
posted by JenThePro at 9:15 AM on April 24, 2015 [1 favorite]
"Easily and effortlessly for hours" is a pretty high bar. I mean, sometimes I get that with my boyfriend. But it's pretty damn hard after we've been together a year, and while we are fairly involved and open people, interesting things sadly don't happen every second of every day to either one of us.
Online stuff, news stories are pretty good fodder. We also bought one of those "100 questions for couples" books and had a lot of fun with it. (His idea.)
He should ask you the occasional question about yourself. Not doing so is a huge red flag. I noticed when my boyfriend hadn't been doing this, if I stop talking and filling in the blanks and withdraw, he notices and gets a little anxious and then he'll launch into the questions. He can just need a little prompting sometimes. He does not naturally go through life with the "always be polite and gracious and make other person feel interesting" default setting I and lots of women have been socialized to have.
I actually agree with him, though, that past relationships are something you are better off either never talking about or only talking about in a very safe and limited way after you are pretty firmly committed.
posted by quincunx at 9:25 AM on April 24, 2015 [4 favorites]
Online stuff, news stories are pretty good fodder. We also bought one of those "100 questions for couples" books and had a lot of fun with it. (His idea.)
He should ask you the occasional question about yourself. Not doing so is a huge red flag. I noticed when my boyfriend hadn't been doing this, if I stop talking and filling in the blanks and withdraw, he notices and gets a little anxious and then he'll launch into the questions. He can just need a little prompting sometimes. He does not naturally go through life with the "always be polite and gracious and make other person feel interesting" default setting I and lots of women have been socialized to have.
I actually agree with him, though, that past relationships are something you are better off either never talking about or only talking about in a very safe and limited way after you are pretty firmly committed.
posted by quincunx at 9:25 AM on April 24, 2015 [4 favorites]
I've mentioned it to him before by stating that I don't feel like we talk much but he doesn't understand where I'm coming from and says we talk all the time. I guess it's very subjective bc I'm a more analytical person and I like to delve deeper into conversations and surface level conversations aren't enough for me. I'm not sure if this is something that can be worked on or if we're just too different in that way. Has anyone had this problem before in a relationship and if so, how did u improve on it?
This is open to interpretation, but I would be wary of your tendency to pull people into "deep conversations." It sounds like your boyfriend either really doesn't want to talk about his past relationships because he is genuinely uncomfortable, or because he knows you and thinks you'd find them uncomfortable. Talk of the past arouses jealousy, envy, comparison and quite frankly, further judgment. You have to figure out if the lack of discussion about the past is really about your insecurities and if it is turning into an obsession that is replacing other activities. Why, for example, aren't you guys having deep conversations about the future?
It also sounds like by "analytical" you mean you are into patterns, picking things apart, keeping score and predicting behaviors. This is not what all relationships are about. Some might call this a rationalization. This might be a cultural thing. I know that in my family, we equated analysis and broken down, deep conversations with intimacy. As I've grown older, doing things, self-love, self-analysis, and bringing only the good stuff to your partner, have proven to be more workable qualities.
posted by phaedon at 9:39 AM on April 24, 2015 [1 favorite]
This is open to interpretation, but I would be wary of your tendency to pull people into "deep conversations." It sounds like your boyfriend either really doesn't want to talk about his past relationships because he is genuinely uncomfortable, or because he knows you and thinks you'd find them uncomfortable. Talk of the past arouses jealousy, envy, comparison and quite frankly, further judgment. You have to figure out if the lack of discussion about the past is really about your insecurities and if it is turning into an obsession that is replacing other activities. Why, for example, aren't you guys having deep conversations about the future?
It also sounds like by "analytical" you mean you are into patterns, picking things apart, keeping score and predicting behaviors. This is not what all relationships are about. Some might call this a rationalization. This might be a cultural thing. I know that in my family, we equated analysis and broken down, deep conversations with intimacy. As I've grown older, doing things, self-love, self-analysis, and bringing only the good stuff to your partner, have proven to be more workable qualities.
posted by phaedon at 9:39 AM on April 24, 2015 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: "He should ask you the occasional question about yourself. Not doing so is a huge red flag."
He asks the occasional "how was your day" but no follow up questions. It's up to me to elaborate and frankly I don't feel like he's even interested in hearing about it but just asking to be polite. His lack of questions just makes me feel like he's not that interested in getting to know me intimately. My sister and friends also comment that he doesn't ask them questions about themselves which made them feel like he wasn't that interested in getting to know them
either.
What kind of red flag is it when a guy doesn't ask many questions? Is it bc he's deep down not that interested in me? It just sucks and it's the main reason I don't feel that connected with him even though we spend almost every day together.
Regarding my questions about his past relationships, that's just one example of something I bring up and what little information he divulges. I made it clear to him before asking that I won't be jealous or judge but just wanted to get to know him better. I got vague limited info. We did talk about the future but in vague terms. He says he probably wants to get married but not any time soon and might want kids in future, nothing more elaborate than that. Actually that part is fine by me bc I'm not sure what I want in the future with him either.
I don't think having long effortless flowing conversations with your SO is setting the bar too high (I don't expect it all the time!). I am able to have that with many people in fact bc I'm very social and inquisitive by nature. I love getting to know people and their quirks and hearing about their problems and giving advice or input and just picking their brains. It's just hard to do it with him bc he misinterprets my questions as interrogative and meant to suss out judgement when in fact i just want to get to know him better!
posted by CheeseAndRice at 1:50 PM on April 24, 2015
He asks the occasional "how was your day" but no follow up questions. It's up to me to elaborate and frankly I don't feel like he's even interested in hearing about it but just asking to be polite. His lack of questions just makes me feel like he's not that interested in getting to know me intimately. My sister and friends also comment that he doesn't ask them questions about themselves which made them feel like he wasn't that interested in getting to know them
either.
What kind of red flag is it when a guy doesn't ask many questions? Is it bc he's deep down not that interested in me? It just sucks and it's the main reason I don't feel that connected with him even though we spend almost every day together.
Regarding my questions about his past relationships, that's just one example of something I bring up and what little information he divulges. I made it clear to him before asking that I won't be jealous or judge but just wanted to get to know him better. I got vague limited info. We did talk about the future but in vague terms. He says he probably wants to get married but not any time soon and might want kids in future, nothing more elaborate than that. Actually that part is fine by me bc I'm not sure what I want in the future with him either.
I don't think having long effortless flowing conversations with your SO is setting the bar too high (I don't expect it all the time!). I am able to have that with many people in fact bc I'm very social and inquisitive by nature. I love getting to know people and their quirks and hearing about their problems and giving advice or input and just picking their brains. It's just hard to do it with him bc he misinterprets my questions as interrogative and meant to suss out judgement when in fact i just want to get to know him better!
posted by CheeseAndRice at 1:50 PM on April 24, 2015
It sounds awful. For me talking IS basically the relationship. If I were you I'd bite the bullet and break up. Also 4 significant relationships at your age is not "only." Four is plenty. How many people are you going to be really compatible and in love with in a lifetime? (Answer: not that many).
Keep going until you find the right one.
posted by DMelanogaster at 1:57 PM on April 24, 2015 [2 favorites]
Keep going until you find the right one.
posted by DMelanogaster at 1:57 PM on April 24, 2015 [2 favorites]
As to what kind of red flag it is, I'd say one of selfishness. Selfishness is a very bad trait in a life partner.
I wouldn't flaw someone for not being too interested in minute details of my childhood. I mean, I can only expect my boyfriend to be so excited about me reminiscing about my Barbie dolls or Petz or whatever the hell, you know? In those kinda situations he listens to me jabber and tells me I'm cute but we both know he's not deeply interested. Same when he goes into great detail about tennis or a video game I don't play or whatever.
I mean, I kind of see both sides here. I have been the annoyed person who doesn't really want to deeply bond by talking and talking and talking endlessly about stuff the other person cares about more than me. But I've also been the exhausted one just trying to be polite and caring and being shut out and ignored. And I've been the one listening out of politeness, too.
My best guess is the truth is somewhere in between here. You might talk a little too much about emotional needy things in a little too much depth for him. He's probably a little rude and lazy about keeping you conversationally satisfied.
Final judgement: Worth a talk about it and maybe a few more months. Not worth much more than that.
posted by quincunx at 2:36 PM on April 24, 2015 [1 favorite]
I wouldn't flaw someone for not being too interested in minute details of my childhood. I mean, I can only expect my boyfriend to be so excited about me reminiscing about my Barbie dolls or Petz or whatever the hell, you know? In those kinda situations he listens to me jabber and tells me I'm cute but we both know he's not deeply interested. Same when he goes into great detail about tennis or a video game I don't play or whatever.
I mean, I kind of see both sides here. I have been the annoyed person who doesn't really want to deeply bond by talking and talking and talking endlessly about stuff the other person cares about more than me. But I've also been the exhausted one just trying to be polite and caring and being shut out and ignored. And I've been the one listening out of politeness, too.
My best guess is the truth is somewhere in between here. You might talk a little too much about emotional needy things in a little too much depth for him. He's probably a little rude and lazy about keeping you conversationally satisfied.
Final judgement: Worth a talk about it and maybe a few more months. Not worth much more than that.
posted by quincunx at 2:36 PM on April 24, 2015 [1 favorite]
One of the things I look for in a friend is someone I'd be happy to take a long trip with, or who would make getting stuck on a tarmac/subway car/etc more fun and less miserable. It seems like enjoying your partner's company (for more than just sex because no matter how good it is, it can only take up so much time and can only happen under limited circumstances) is a pretty basic component of compatibility.
posted by Salamandrous at 10:14 AM on April 30, 2015
posted by Salamandrous at 10:14 AM on April 30, 2015
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First of all, you have to be able to discuss this with him, even if he can not fix it or he can not fix it immediately. If he shuts down the topic, then, he kinda answers your question for you.
It's really hard to live with this type of imbalance in a relationship longterm. It makes it really hard when Big Life Things come up and you have no basis for discussing deep topics as a couple.
People do find work-arounds with counseling and outside friendships... but that won't fix it ultimately when things get really really tough. There is good news if your guy wants to develop overall as a person and learn to communicate with you on deeper levels! If he thinks this type of communication is unnecessary, he should find someone who thinks like he does. It doesn't make either of you wrong or right, just different from each other.
You will never be 100% compatible with anyone. Is he a good person deep inside? I might be willing to put up with a lot for someone who was truly lovely and lovely towards me. Don't stay if this lack of intimacy is killing you, though. You deserve to have as many fulfilling points of connection with your partner as possible.
posted by jbenben at 1:51 PM on April 23, 2015 [1 favorite]