Can I use a fake photo for online dating?
April 22, 2015 3:59 AM Subscribe
I had a stalker years back and I was only able to shake them off by going virtually off grid. I had to stop dating online (because that's how he found me one of the times) and eventually I had to change my name, my home and my job and severe contacts with people I knew for years to get away from them. I would like to try online dating again, but this time maybe with a photo of someone with similar traits to mine, but not my real photo.
(question being asked on behalf of friend of a friend)
I know this stalker is still around and I can't have photos of me posted anywhere for fear that he'll find me. We were able to lead him to believe that I had moved to the midwest and so for some time he actually set his sights there. I don't want him thinking I came 'back' into town or knowing that I never left. Thing is i want to try online dating again since I haven't been able to meet anyone the 'normal' way. I don't want to catfish anyone, but I also know that people don't respond to profiles without photos and I don't blame them. I was thinking of using a fake photo. Someone that isn't me, but has long black hair like me and large dark eyes like me, same height etc, etc.. with the same level of attractiveness. Like, being as honest as I can with the photo without it being me. This way I wouldn't have to worry about what happened the last time. Would this be ok?
(question being asked on behalf of friend of a friend)
I know this stalker is still around and I can't have photos of me posted anywhere for fear that he'll find me. We were able to lead him to believe that I had moved to the midwest and so for some time he actually set his sights there. I don't want him thinking I came 'back' into town or knowing that I never left. Thing is i want to try online dating again since I haven't been able to meet anyone the 'normal' way. I don't want to catfish anyone, but I also know that people don't respond to profiles without photos and I don't blame them. I was thinking of using a fake photo. Someone that isn't me, but has long black hair like me and large dark eyes like me, same height etc, etc.. with the same level of attractiveness. Like, being as honest as I can with the photo without it being me. This way I wouldn't have to worry about what happened the last time. Would this be ok?
Hmm.
The main problem i'd see here is that this is going to launch every potential offline date, coming from the service, with either the elephant in the room being that it obviously isn't you or just having to broach that subject right then. You're basically creating either the lingering assumption of lying, or having to have an awkward "yea i lied and it's because this garbage is in my life"(or, make up another lie about why you lied) right off the bat. A nice person would probably sit through the date, but be INCREDIBLY offput, and there would likely be no second date. Even addressing it still leaves the problem of having done it. Everything sounds like an excuse.
This doesn't exactly inspire confidence, and would make many peoples drama alarms go off very reasonably from their perspective.
Pretty much, are you justified in doing it for understandable reasons? Yea. Is it actually a good idea? I'm not so sure.
You're not a horrible person if you do it, but i'd probably file this one under "online dating isn't for me".
posted by emptythought at 4:08 AM on April 22, 2015 [8 favorites]
The main problem i'd see here is that this is going to launch every potential offline date, coming from the service, with either the elephant in the room being that it obviously isn't you or just having to broach that subject right then. You're basically creating either the lingering assumption of lying, or having to have an awkward "yea i lied and it's because this garbage is in my life"(or, make up another lie about why you lied) right off the bat. A nice person would probably sit through the date, but be INCREDIBLY offput, and there would likely be no second date. Even addressing it still leaves the problem of having done it. Everything sounds like an excuse.
This doesn't exactly inspire confidence, and would make many peoples drama alarms go off very reasonably from their perspective.
Pretty much, are you justified in doing it for understandable reasons? Yea. Is it actually a good idea? I'm not so sure.
You're not a horrible person if you do it, but i'd probably file this one under "online dating isn't for me".
posted by emptythought at 4:08 AM on April 22, 2015 [8 favorites]
Use a picture where your face is in shadow, or where you're in silhouette - maybe outdoors, in silhouette against a sunset and a cool view?
Then be proactive about contacting other people - say hey, love your profile, I like to keep my face off of here since I've had a few people from dating sites recognise me in real life which is a bit awkward, but happy to send a picture privately if you're interested.
Simple enough - no need to go into the full story about the stalker right away.
posted by cilantro at 4:11 AM on April 22, 2015 [73 favorites]
Then be proactive about contacting other people - say hey, love your profile, I like to keep my face off of here since I've had a few people from dating sites recognise me in real life which is a bit awkward, but happy to send a picture privately if you're interested.
Simple enough - no need to go into the full story about the stalker right away.
posted by cilantro at 4:11 AM on April 22, 2015 [73 favorites]
I was about to suggest the same thing as flibbertigibbet - maybe use one of those online avatar-generating things to create a rough likeness. Either that or pick a photo where your friend-of-friend's features aren't obvious. Lots of people use photos of them doing something (e.g. standing on a mountain wearing sunglasses and a hat) that gives some indication of what that person looks like without actually being clearly identifiable.
posted by pipeski at 4:11 AM on April 22, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by pipeski at 4:11 AM on April 22, 2015 [2 favorites]
No, I don't think that would be ok. Can your friend put up a picture that is really her, but from sort of far away, like a vacation picture in a beautiful spot? So it's a real picture but a bit hard to identify? Or can she sign up for an online dating service that isn't free and is therefore more private?
posted by colfax at 4:11 AM on April 22, 2015
posted by colfax at 4:11 AM on April 22, 2015
It's offputting and would weird me out if I showed up to a date with a person who looked nothing like her profile. The cartoon or silhouette would be ok; when you switch to messaging the person, you can send a picture, just so they can recognize you when you meet.
posted by bluefly at 4:12 AM on April 22, 2015
posted by bluefly at 4:12 AM on April 22, 2015
Speaking as someone who's SEEN a few ads - there are a lot of ads I've seen where it's just a closeup of someone's eye, the back of their head, their silhouette where they stood on a beach at sunset, etc., and then they straight-up say inside that they're using an obscured photo because of reasons (usually "I have a high-profile job and I don't want people to know I"m doing this") and they can email a real photo on request. Speaking as the person reading them, that kind of approach feels more "legit" somehow.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:38 AM on April 22, 2015 [54 favorites]
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:38 AM on April 22, 2015 [54 favorites]
I would put a few photos up of yourself but blur out your face. Then people can get a sense of what you look like without actually deceiving anyone.
However make sure these are brand new photos your stalker has never seen. Even with your face blurred out it's easy to recognize the bridesmaid dress from your friends wedding or your trip to Mexico if those photos were on Facebook etc
Another thing you can do is be proactive and message people, but in your first message attach a photo. I don't respond to guys without photos or who do the "I can send you a photo if you want," but if they proactively just send me one even if they don't have pics in their profile I'm far more likely to respond.
posted by whoaali at 4:45 AM on April 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
However make sure these are brand new photos your stalker has never seen. Even with your face blurred out it's easy to recognize the bridesmaid dress from your friends wedding or your trip to Mexico if those photos were on Facebook etc
Another thing you can do is be proactive and message people, but in your first message attach a photo. I don't respond to guys without photos or who do the "I can send you a photo if you want," but if they proactively just send me one even if they don't have pics in their profile I'm far more likely to respond.
posted by whoaali at 4:45 AM on April 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
Make up a normal profile with your pics, then copy it to a dozen different cities. Only respond to messages for your home city.
posted by Slinga at 4:51 AM on April 22, 2015 [12 favorites]
posted by Slinga at 4:51 AM on April 22, 2015 [12 favorites]
Think of the profile photo as the label on your product. You can get really creative and artsy with labeling if you want, but you shouldn't misrepresent what's actually in the package. If you were designing an orange juice carton and couldn't use any pictures of oranges for some reason, you'd probably use a picture of an orange tree or a sunrise or some orange-colored abstract swirls, but you wouldn't put a grapefruit on it.
posted by Metroid Baby at 4:51 AM on April 22, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by Metroid Baby at 4:51 AM on April 22, 2015 [3 favorites]
In addition to the concerns raised above, there's the question of the other person's photo. If you have a friend who looks a lot like you and is willing to give you a photo to use that's great, but otherwise, it sounds like you'd need to grab some random photo of someone you don't know, and use it without that person's permission. Ethically muddy waters, I think, especially if there's any chance someone would do something like an image search and misidentify that person as you, or otherwise muddy up your identity and theirs.
I think this is a non-starter. But I think it would be totally reasonable to state in the profile that you will share a picture privately (if you will - I get why you might not be comfortable), or to use somewhat obscured photos, or to take the more proactive role.
I'm really sorry you have to even think about this stuff - it sucks that this person's past actions can still affect you this way.
posted by Stacey at 5:16 AM on April 22, 2015 [2 favorites]
I think this is a non-starter. But I think it would be totally reasonable to state in the profile that you will share a picture privately (if you will - I get why you might not be comfortable), or to use somewhat obscured photos, or to take the more proactive role.
I'm really sorry you have to even think about this stuff - it sucks that this person's past actions can still affect you this way.
posted by Stacey at 5:16 AM on April 22, 2015 [2 favorites]
Aside from being a faux pas, I'm pretty sure this is also a violation of the rules on most dating sites. I know OKCupid at least used to pull any photo posted which wasn't an actual photo of the real you. Scammers and spammers do use these sites to target people, so at best you risk coming off as not-legit.
And then you have the fact that you'd have to find someone who looked close enough to the real you who'd give their permission to use their photos in this way, or else you'd be compounding it by the incredibly creepy act of using another person's pictures without their consent.
And then, well, unless you're also going to write the profile so that it sounds like a completely different person, if he comes across it, he might very well be able to put two and two together. Wrong photo, blurred photo, even "picture of something unrelated"--if he's still obsessed enough to be dangerous, I would not count on his just being too oblivious to notice that this ad for someone who sounds just like you could possibly be you.
I don't think online dating sounds like a particularly safe thing to be doing in this situation, unfortunately.
posted by Sequence at 5:17 AM on April 22, 2015 [5 favorites]
And then you have the fact that you'd have to find someone who looked close enough to the real you who'd give their permission to use their photos in this way, or else you'd be compounding it by the incredibly creepy act of using another person's pictures without their consent.
And then, well, unless you're also going to write the profile so that it sounds like a completely different person, if he comes across it, he might very well be able to put two and two together. Wrong photo, blurred photo, even "picture of something unrelated"--if he's still obsessed enough to be dangerous, I would not count on his just being too oblivious to notice that this ad for someone who sounds just like you could possibly be you.
I don't think online dating sounds like a particularly safe thing to be doing in this situation, unfortunately.
posted by Sequence at 5:17 AM on April 22, 2015 [5 favorites]
Thanks for posting this question, how interesting!
I think that we need to keep ourselves honest, but we also need to keep ourselves safe.
First, I would advise your friend to have a good Come to Jesus with themselves and see if dipping their toe into online dating is really worth the possible danger, no matter what precautions she takes, of her stalker finding her again. If not, then moot point, try to meet someone some other way. If yes, then let's go to step two.
Next, I would check the TOS for the dating site. Most, I believe, require some sort of actual photo of the person, even if from a distance or something. You don't want to post a photo of Lucy Lawless and get your profile yanked or your account deleted before you've even begun.
Finally, I believe that EmpressCallipygos is right on the money here, speaking as someone who did a LOT of online dating.
I like the idea of using something eyecatching as the main photo, something that will get folks to look.
Once they are there, you need your first sentence to be some sort of brief disclaimer that yes, you don't look like Xena, Warrior Princess, but that circumstances dictate that you keep your privacy on the site and that all requests for a photo will be honored, or some such.
I wish your friend the best of luck, but even more importantly, I wish them safety and security during this little experiment.
posted by Major Matt Mason Dixon at 5:24 AM on April 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
I think that we need to keep ourselves honest, but we also need to keep ourselves safe.
First, I would advise your friend to have a good Come to Jesus with themselves and see if dipping their toe into online dating is really worth the possible danger, no matter what precautions she takes, of her stalker finding her again. If not, then moot point, try to meet someone some other way. If yes, then let's go to step two.
Next, I would check the TOS for the dating site. Most, I believe, require some sort of actual photo of the person, even if from a distance or something. You don't want to post a photo of Lucy Lawless and get your profile yanked or your account deleted before you've even begun.
Finally, I believe that EmpressCallipygos is right on the money here, speaking as someone who did a LOT of online dating.
I like the idea of using something eyecatching as the main photo, something that will get folks to look.
Once they are there, you need your first sentence to be some sort of brief disclaimer that yes, you don't look like Xena, Warrior Princess, but that circumstances dictate that you keep your privacy on the site and that all requests for a photo will be honored, or some such.
I wish your friend the best of luck, but even more importantly, I wish them safety and security during this little experiment.
posted by Major Matt Mason Dixon at 5:24 AM on April 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
No, no fake photos: it's dishonest and purposely misleading anyone who might otherwise be interested.
On the other hand, wanting to avoid stalking situations is a valid desire; I've got to agree with the folks suggesting an avatar or cartoon drawing of you. Even a homemade sketch done by a friend would be worlds better than the flat-out lie of a fake photo.
posted by easily confused at 5:32 AM on April 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
On the other hand, wanting to avoid stalking situations is a valid desire; I've got to agree with the folks suggesting an avatar or cartoon drawing of you. Even a homemade sketch done by a friend would be worlds better than the flat-out lie of a fake photo.
posted by easily confused at 5:32 AM on April 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
+1 "no." So easy to build up a crush, or knee-jerk of "not for me," over a single photo... It would be unkind to do this.
I worry, though, that your friend might be veering into more dangerous territory by responding to the stalker. Any "I have noted your attention, and have adjusted my behaviour" indication is unfortunately a response to the stalker, and all responses are encouraging for them. Legal remedies, where available, and therapy are better ways to roll than to spend years in hiding. (Speaking from horrid personal experience.) The fake-move caper is a big response as far as this sort of thing goes. One way to deal with on-line stalking is to have a very open public internet persona and be extremely easy to find and contact, and then to filter all messages -- this isn't good advice for anybody in physical danger, but if the stalking peters out at on-line harassment, it's worth considering. If your friend is in physical danger, I think I side with "on-line dating isn't worth it at this time."
Fiverr.com is full of people who will make a photo of you into a drawing or cartoon avatar, though...
posted by kmennie at 5:57 AM on April 22, 2015 [2 favorites]
I worry, though, that your friend might be veering into more dangerous territory by responding to the stalker. Any "I have noted your attention, and have adjusted my behaviour" indication is unfortunately a response to the stalker, and all responses are encouraging for them. Legal remedies, where available, and therapy are better ways to roll than to spend years in hiding. (Speaking from horrid personal experience.) The fake-move caper is a big response as far as this sort of thing goes. One way to deal with on-line stalking is to have a very open public internet persona and be extremely easy to find and contact, and then to filter all messages -- this isn't good advice for anybody in physical danger, but if the stalking peters out at on-line harassment, it's worth considering. If your friend is in physical danger, I think I side with "on-line dating isn't worth it at this time."
Fiverr.com is full of people who will make a photo of you into a drawing or cartoon avatar, though...
posted by kmennie at 5:57 AM on April 22, 2015 [2 favorites]
No, this would be unethical. It would also be against your interest, because it would make good men lose interest in you when they inevitably realize you used a photo of someone else. They'd think you're dishonest and untrustworthy — and also that you're not very mature since you haven't yet learned the wisdom of the saying that "honesty is the best policy." Instead, you'll attract men who don't care about those things, or who maybe do care but who are desperate.
posted by John Cohen at 5:59 AM on April 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by John Cohen at 5:59 AM on April 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
Seconding (thirding?) EmpressCallipygos's response.
Also, I don't know what city your friend is in, but she may want to consider an option like Coffee Meets Bagel. Profiles aren't searchable; rather, every day, each person on the site is sent another person's profile as a possible match. So, if her stalker joined Coffee Meets Bagel, there is a slight chance he would be sent her profile one day, but he'd have to explicitly join the service for that to happen. Your friend should think about how likely this is.
Tinder and Hinge are other suggestions along these lines. I'm sure there are other dating services like this as well (without searchable profiles).
posted by sunflower16 at 6:02 AM on April 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
Also, I don't know what city your friend is in, but she may want to consider an option like Coffee Meets Bagel. Profiles aren't searchable; rather, every day, each person on the site is sent another person's profile as a possible match. So, if her stalker joined Coffee Meets Bagel, there is a slight chance he would be sent her profile one day, but he'd have to explicitly join the service for that to happen. Your friend should think about how likely this is.
Tinder and Hinge are other suggestions along these lines. I'm sure there are other dating services like this as well (without searchable profiles).
posted by sunflower16 at 6:02 AM on April 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
An aside: can't your friend get a restraining order that includes contact via the internet? This sounds like a perfect scenario for the court to help her out so that if he does find her and try to contact her he can be charged with violation. Anyway, can she use the online dating without a photo but contact men she is interested in and send them a photo by email if she doesn't see them as threatening? I don't think it's unusual for women to do this, but it does eliminate men initiating contact with her.
posted by waving at 6:08 AM on April 22, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by waving at 6:08 AM on April 22, 2015 [4 favorites]
She should not include a photo of someone else. Bad idea. if it's OKCupid, put up a non-face picture or cartoony picture just so she can see other people's pictures. However, since (real, identifiable) pictures are often such a big part of what prompts people to look closely at a profile/maybe write to them, she'll probably need to be the proactive one and send a lot of first messages. She can just send a picture in her first message.
Also, this might be useful to her: OKCupid has a new "stealth" mode for paid users. it makes your profile entirely invisible to everyone unless you message them or rate them highly. (I literally just saw the note about that yesterday on their site, so it's probabaly very new.)
posted by needs more cowbell at 6:21 AM on April 22, 2015 [6 favorites]
Also, this might be useful to her: OKCupid has a new "stealth" mode for paid users. it makes your profile entirely invisible to everyone unless you message them or rate them highly. (I literally just saw the note about that yesterday on their site, so it's probabaly very new.)
posted by needs more cowbell at 6:21 AM on April 22, 2015 [6 favorites]
Someone that isn't me,
Also consider the ethics of using someone else's photo - even if they never found out, it's still not ok.
posted by foxjacket at 6:27 AM on April 22, 2015 [3 favorites]
Also consider the ethics of using someone else's photo - even if they never found out, it's still not ok.
posted by foxjacket at 6:27 AM on April 22, 2015 [3 favorites]
I have a friend who is a school principal that handles this by providing photos that show her silhouette, but not face. She's found it best to provide at least a body shot that shows that she is thin and in shape, that gets her past the idea that she's hiding something. In her self description she notes that her job is high profile and she will gladly send pictures privately after messages have been exchanged. It works as well as online dating works for middle-aged people.
posted by readery at 6:40 AM on April 22, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by readery at 6:40 AM on April 22, 2015 [6 favorites]
I used a non-face photo on OKC even though their rules technically prohibit this, and in my profile offered to send pictures later and a brief explanation of why I didn't have my full photo. I had no problem meeting people. Sometimes I emailed them first (since I'm female, that's relatively uncommon, I think) and I shared a link to a full photo when I wrote. I would not recommend using a photo of someone else.
posted by three_red_balloons at 7:06 AM on April 22, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by three_red_balloons at 7:06 AM on April 22, 2015 [2 favorites]
Perhaps a really great action shot of herself. If I were online dating I might put up a picture I have of me indoor skydiving - in a jump suit, helmet, goggles, cheeks flapping in the wind. You really can't tell its me, but it gets across my body type and that I'm fun and active. Or that pic of me on horseback taken from the back as I look out across the desert.
She can get a similar picture - blurry roller coaster pic, pic of her kayaking (from a distance), horseback riding (from a distance with a riding helmet on, perhaps a side view or from the back). An underwater pic or a pic taken at the beach from the back or side as she looks out at the ocean. A distant picture of her standing at the top of a mountain.
posted by Sassyfras at 7:21 AM on April 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
She can get a similar picture - blurry roller coaster pic, pic of her kayaking (from a distance), horseback riding (from a distance with a riding helmet on, perhaps a side view or from the back). An underwater pic or a pic taken at the beach from the back or side as she looks out at the ocean. A distant picture of her standing at the top of a mountain.
posted by Sassyfras at 7:21 AM on April 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
I met my girlfriend on OKC, and her profile picture was pretty unhelpful (it was blown-up from a smaller thumbnail image, maybe from an online work bio, and therefore basically just a vaguely humanoid group of pixels). She did this because 1) she hardly had any recent photos, and 2) because she was really uncomfortable about putting her actual image out there in public. No stalkers, mind you, just nervous about having (potentially) thousands of people viewing her face.
She messaged me first, which helped. But even then, I was super-weirded by the lack of a "face" to go with the conversation. The quality of that conversation was the clincher, though, and allowed me to look past the lack of transparency in terms of image. Just barely. What I'm saying is, if friend-of-friend wants to go the not-accurate picture route, they'd better be bringing some serious messaging game.
I've never been stalked, but I imagine it must be a frightening -- and complex -- burden to deal with. That said, I don't see any value in an individual allowing that stalker to dictate the rest of their life. If friend-twice-removed wants to do online dating with a good success-to-frustration level, they should approach the process as honestly as they possible can. If physical danger truly limits them, then a representative image (with promise of actual pics, and soon) will do in a pinch. But nthing a thousand times: Do not use a third party's face as your own, like ever.
posted by credible hulk at 7:25 AM on April 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
She messaged me first, which helped. But even then, I was super-weirded by the lack of a "face" to go with the conversation. The quality of that conversation was the clincher, though, and allowed me to look past the lack of transparency in terms of image. Just barely. What I'm saying is, if friend-of-friend wants to go the not-accurate picture route, they'd better be bringing some serious messaging game.
I've never been stalked, but I imagine it must be a frightening -- and complex -- burden to deal with. That said, I don't see any value in an individual allowing that stalker to dictate the rest of their life. If friend-twice-removed wants to do online dating with a good success-to-frustration level, they should approach the process as honestly as they possible can. If physical danger truly limits them, then a representative image (with promise of actual pics, and soon) will do in a pinch. But nthing a thousand times: Do not use a third party's face as your own, like ever.
posted by credible hulk at 7:25 AM on April 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
An alternative view (with the caveat that I've been married since long before online dating got big and maybe don't understand the prevailing norms.) People lie on their profiles all the time, don't they? Don't people say they're 31 when they're 35? Don't they say they're 5'10" when they're 5'8"? Having a picture of someone else (as long as the person is, in some sense, a rough "match" for you) seems no greater of a lie than those things, which people grumble about, but mostly don't seem to see as disqualifying levels of dishonesty.
posted by escabeche at 8:15 AM on April 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by escabeche at 8:15 AM on April 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
As a man, it wouldn't bother me at all providing the picture is similar, as you suggest. You have a good explanation should a date ever ask about the picture. The only bit that bothers me is that you'd need consent of the actual person in the picture.
posted by w0mbat at 8:46 AM on April 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by w0mbat at 8:46 AM on April 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
Have you ever been told you look "just like" someone, and you're like, "Huh?" and feel almost insulted? Have you ever thought you looked just like some celebrity but when you tell your friends they're like, "Yeah, right, in your dreams?" Who can really rate their own "attractiveness" level accurately, anyway?
Ethics aside, I think she could only pull this off if she had an identical twin sister. And even then, I know identical twins and I can tell from a still photo using the same styling which is which.
While it's true that a lot of us don't look in life as we do in photos, men will be scrutinizing the image if it's a clear face pic and I think it would be far, far more obvious when they meet IRL than she's thinking. And again, ethics aside, it's off-putting to introduce dishonesty and long explanations so early on, so she may not see much success in dating, which I assume is what she's hoping for.
Agree with the suggestions to use never-before-seen photos her stalker can't match up to anything he may have seen, and to use photos that aren't clear face pics, but arty or action shots. Then provide more photos privately if she trusts someone.
Just how tenacious is this creep? If he's trawling dating sites looking for single women her age and in her area with her identifying interests or qualities, he may well end up finding her regardless. So she should either decide she is not ready to deal with being out there in any way, or she may want to say screw it and take only reasonable rather than extreme precautions. A fake pic is extreme.
posted by kapers at 9:09 AM on April 22, 2015
Ethics aside, I think she could only pull this off if she had an identical twin sister. And even then, I know identical twins and I can tell from a still photo using the same styling which is which.
While it's true that a lot of us don't look in life as we do in photos, men will be scrutinizing the image if it's a clear face pic and I think it would be far, far more obvious when they meet IRL than she's thinking. And again, ethics aside, it's off-putting to introduce dishonesty and long explanations so early on, so she may not see much success in dating, which I assume is what she's hoping for.
Agree with the suggestions to use never-before-seen photos her stalker can't match up to anything he may have seen, and to use photos that aren't clear face pics, but arty or action shots. Then provide more photos privately if she trusts someone.
Just how tenacious is this creep? If he's trawling dating sites looking for single women her age and in her area with her identifying interests or qualities, he may well end up finding her regardless. So she should either decide she is not ready to deal with being out there in any way, or she may want to say screw it and take only reasonable rather than extreme precautions. A fake pic is extreme.
posted by kapers at 9:09 AM on April 22, 2015
Why not just have a real picture of yourself edited with some false details? A photo retoucher could put in a non-existent birthmark, or even add in a different nose or smile.
posted by Ostara at 9:40 AM on April 22, 2015
posted by Ostara at 9:40 AM on April 22, 2015
I would never post a photo of someone else, no.
...just me, but with a former stalker still out there, I wouldn't do online anything and certainly not dating.
posted by Namlit at 11:07 AM on April 22, 2015 [5 favorites]
...just me, but with a former stalker still out there, I wouldn't do online anything and certainly not dating.
posted by Namlit at 11:07 AM on April 22, 2015 [5 favorites]
Cilantro's advice could work, I think. But I'd wonder if the stalker might still work out who you are, even from those bare visual details. Hair colour and style is something that can substantially change how people perceive you - if you're willing to go that far for a date, maybe dying and cutting your hair would make a difference (in combination with Cilantro's suggestions)? Or wearing a wig? If you've got long black hair now, a shot of you with a red bob, just showing your jawline and neck, say, wearing a different style of clothing than you normally would, might throw this person off. Would avoid showing your eyes at all.
Also - would not use these photos on any other social networking sites you're currently on; Google Images can identify any locations photos are stored.
Although there's always the possibility that the stalker is using false pics - how could you know for sure that the person on the other end isn't him? I think I agree with Namlit - maybe using traditional ways of meeting people would be safer.
posted by cotton dress sock at 11:55 AM on April 22, 2015
Also - would not use these photos on any other social networking sites you're currently on; Google Images can identify any locations photos are stored.
Although there's always the possibility that the stalker is using false pics - how could you know for sure that the person on the other end isn't him? I think I agree with Namlit - maybe using traditional ways of meeting people would be safer.
posted by cotton dress sock at 11:55 AM on April 22, 2015
I wouldn't use a photo of someone else. That just isn't going to fly with 99.99% of people. It would be very strange.
I think you could use a photo of yourself that doesn't show your face (can you change your hair?). A silhouette or something, where you're not recognizable. I sometimes put up a photo of myself that's a reflection in a window of me taking a photo of myself - but the camera obscures my face. People still message me even though they can't tell what I look like.
Or you could just not use a photo - it makes things harder but would work better than a photo of someone else.
posted by christiehawk at 12:51 PM on April 22, 2015
I think you could use a photo of yourself that doesn't show your face (can you change your hair?). A silhouette or something, where you're not recognizable. I sometimes put up a photo of myself that's a reflection in a window of me taking a photo of myself - but the camera obscures my face. People still message me even though they can't tell what I look like.
Or you could just not use a photo - it makes things harder but would work better than a photo of someone else.
posted by christiehawk at 12:51 PM on April 22, 2015
Response by poster: Thanks everyone. I haven't been able to show her your answers yet, but there seems to be some great info and suggestions here. I'll make sure she sees these when I visit her tomorrow.
posted by rancher at 8:33 PM on April 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by rancher at 8:33 PM on April 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
In addition to not posting the photo, she may be able to reduce the odds of the stalker finding her by increasing her age by a couple of years, using the wrong astrological sign, etc.
posted by metasarah at 7:03 AM on April 23, 2015
posted by metasarah at 7:03 AM on April 23, 2015
This thread is closed to new comments.
I think I'd honestly prefer a cartoonish drawing or caricature (such that you can't positively identify the subject as your friend of a friend, but it gets across major details of his or her appearance).
posted by flibbertigibbet at 4:07 AM on April 22, 2015 [18 favorites]