Opposite sex siblings in the same room?
April 21, 2015 1:16 PM   Subscribe

We are currently expecting our second child at the end of September. Our current child is a boy and we have recently learned that our second child will be a girl. Is there any research-based evidence on whether opposite sex siblings should share a room?

Where we live (in the US), it is definitely the norm that opposite sex siblings get their own rooms, where possible. I am fairly certain that we would be looked at askance if we did choose to have our second child share a room with our son. Or, at least, if we chose to have them in the same room after the age of, say, 8 or so. I'm curious if there is any real reason to do this. In other words, is there any research-based evidence that suggests that this is a negative? Or is it just general never-quite-explicit concerns about incest that aren't backed up by evidence?

Note that we do have the space for each sibling to have their own room. However, it would be slightly inconvenient when we have visitors and family come to visit. As of right now, we have our bedroom, a bedroom for our son, and a nice guest bedroom. If each child ended up in their same room, the guest bedroom situation would be a bit more difficult. Moreover, I actually think it could be positive to have our children share a room. I shared a room with my (same sex/gender) sibling growing up and, while it was a pain at times, it was overall a good experience.

I don't expect this to last forever; I fully expect that, some day, one or both of our children will want their own space. I'm just curious as to whether there's any reason to start this before our children express this desire.
posted by anonymous to Society & Culture (28 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
 
How old is your son?
posted by i_am_a_fiesta at 1:24 PM on April 21, 2015


I don't have any research, but my three year old girl and six year old boy have been sharing a room since my daughter was 18 months old. We, of course, do not intend on keeping this arrangement forever, but at such a young age it doesn't seem to matter at all.

My brother and youngest sister shared a room for almost all of their childhood (til I went to college). That was a bit much. Both would have preferred separate rooms by 10 or 11, but there wasn't space to have three girls in one room and the one boy by himself in the house I grew up in.

But as a parent and a sibling, I've seen little issue with it until the tween years when kids start to get body conscious and feel awkward. But that extends to same sex sibling relationships, too.
posted by zizzle at 1:24 PM on April 21, 2015 [2 favorites]


My niece and nephew still share a room at ages 8 and 5, respectively. They'll probably switch to their own rooms soonish just because they're starting to get old enough to want more space, but as far as I know they've had no problems at all sharing.
posted by MsMolly at 1:35 PM on April 21, 2015 [1 favorite]


What sort of metrics would the research you're after measure? Long term happiness? Mental health? Etc.? I'm going to hazard a guess that not many empirical studies have been performed on this matter, because it's such a subjective thing, and because there are so many other influences in a child's life growing up such that it'd be very hard to determine the impact of room-sharing amongst everything else.

That said...anecdata point: I (female) shared a room with my (three years younger) brother from the age of 3 until around age 8. It was no big deal; it seemed normal to us. We would get up and play together in the mornings, etc. To be honest, I think this was actually a very good thing to have experienced...if nothing else, it created a built-in buffer against any forces of "over-gendering" the surrounding culture might have otherwise imposed; our room was decorated in bright primary colors and our toy stash mixed Lego *and* dolls *and* Matchbox cars and so on with neither of us giving a second thought to it.

After age 8 I shared a room with my (six years younger) sister basically all the way until I left home for college. As a teenager I was annoyed to have to share with *anyone*, but I understood that not all families could afford the luxury of private bedchambers for everyone, and I definitely don't feel that I was traumatized by the experience. It actually strikes me as bizarre that any young person with one or more siblings would feel "entitled" to his or her own room, or that families would base their housing decisions on providing this. o_0
posted by aecorwin at 1:41 PM on April 21, 2015 [4 favorites]


I would be more concerned about your son sharing a room with a newborn, who is likely to have and need very different sleep patters. As for later on, though, I don't see why this should be an issue, if you really want to do it that way. If you don't have guests all that often, you could give each child their own room and have them double up when you do have guests.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 1:42 PM on April 21, 2015 [17 favorites]


I think you are fine in the short term. I shared a room with my brother until I was in second or third grade, at which point I basically kicked him out and he roomed with our younger brother. I did get to a point of not wanting him in there, but that might have applied the same if he were a girl. I liked my own space. You should consider how infant sleep patterns might affect your older child, and vice versa. We have two now, and one kid waking the other up is a major PITA.

For the guest room situation, can you keep one of the kid's rooms flexible enough to use as a guest room when someone is visiting, and just have the siblings bunk together during those periods of time? I am thinking bunk beds or a trundle in the dedicated kid room, and then some other dual-purpose bed in the kid/guest room (probably a queen would work by the time the kid is in middle school, maybe a futon for now plus their crib/toddler bed?).
posted by handful of rain at 1:42 PM on April 21, 2015 [7 favorites]


Growing up, we moved around a lot and a dedicated guest room never materialized. We siblings had our own rooms but we were fairly far apart in age. However, whenever an out of town guest would come to stay with us, one of us older kids gave up our bed(s) and then slept on the couch or on the floor somewhere. My older brother most frequently gave up his room (queen bed) until his room was too terrifying for guests (Iron Maiden black light posters) and then I got a double bed.

I think the most important thing is the character of the kids and the age difference between them. Lots of older siblings really *want* to have baby in their rooms and I think there can be a really important lesson there and some possible bonding. I'd want to do that with my kids even if we did have the space.
posted by amanda at 1:53 PM on April 21, 2015 [5 favorites]


When I was growing up, I knew a few kids whose houses had "formal" living rooms that they weren't allowed to go in. I always felt a little bad for those kids, and it made me wonder about the parents' priorities. Having siblings share a room for the sake of having a nice guest room reminds me a little of that. I think I'd be less worried about the opposite sex issue than about inadvertently sending the wrong message.

I think it's totally fine for them to share in the early years, but split them up before they realize "why can't I have that empty bedroom?"
posted by Metroid Baby at 2:25 PM on April 21, 2015 [31 favorites]


I shared a room with my older brother (two years older than me; I'm female) until I was about 6 or 7, and also whenever we were at my mom's house for the summer, which lasted until we were much older, 10 and 12 at least. Don't remember any adverse effects beyond usual inter-sibling torment.
posted by Aubergine at 2:36 PM on April 21, 2015


In this case it is perfectly fine to go with anecdotal data. They will let you know when they no longer wish to share rooms.
posted by Nevin at 2:37 PM on April 21, 2015


Since formal research isn't really coming up here, I'll add more anecdote and opinion:
I shared a room with my brother till I was 9 and he was 7,5. It was all good. Good to share when we did, good to have separate rooms when we did. At one point, we actually had two rooms, a shared bedroom and a shared nursery (my mum going all mrs Bucket), but regardless of the snobbery, I think it was a good thing. It's good to share when you are small.

My own children are girls, and they shared till the oldest was ten.

Today, we serve as "relief" family for two sweet children who lost their mother. At my house they share a room, and are very happy with it.

In modern life, we expect each person to have a separate room, but I think this is really wrong, maybe even damaging, for small children. Outside the middle-class in the west, it is unusual for humans to sleep alone.

As for gender seperation, up to 9-10 years, I can't see how that can be necessary.
posted by mumimor at 2:38 PM on April 21, 2015 [3 favorites]


I agree with what everyone else has said regarding sharing rooms as little kids. But I think Metroid Baby has a point here. The kids live in your house every day. At a certain point, maybe when the oldest is around 10, I think it seems a bit odd to prioritize having a nice guest room over giving them their own space.
posted by chatongriffes at 3:16 PM on April 21, 2015 [19 favorites]


When my younger sister was little, we each had our own rooms. Once she was in a bed and not a crib, pretty much the only time she didn't sleep in my room was when one of us was having a sleepover or was sick. It wasn't until I was 13 or so that we stopped sharing rooms occasionally, and of course we still shared a hotel bed on vacations.

So more votes for: let them share the room for now, but figure that when the oldest is somewhere between 10-14, you'll want to change this (given that you do in fact have a room for each).
posted by jeather at 3:28 PM on April 21, 2015 [1 favorite]


My niece and nephew (age 6 and 9) shared a room from the time my niece was born until just recently -- they only stopped sharing because my sister- and brother-in-law built an addition onto the house that gave them enough room to give each kid their own space. I think they still frequently sleep in the same room, though -- they're pretty close.

My brother and I sort-of shared a room briefly in our teens -- my dad built a temporary divider across the middle of one large bedroom to give us each a small room. The divider didn't do much, except block visibility. (The reasoning was that my brother, who is 3 1/2 years older than me, would be graduating high school and leaving for the military within 6 months or so, and then the divider would come down and I'd just have the giant bedroom.) It... wasn't ideal, largely because my brother and I did NOT get along, and there were a lot of fights over who got to listen to which music when, etc.
posted by sarcasticah at 3:28 PM on April 21, 2015


Opposite sex siblings in one room resulted in older brother coercing younger sister into sexual exploration. This might have happened with seperate rooms, but did provide extra opportunity. It began age 6 and continued into puberty.
posted by b33j at 3:43 PM on April 21, 2015 [5 favorites]


Until they ask for separate rooms, imo.
posted by Sebmojo at 4:11 PM on April 21, 2015


b33j, that is frightful. I hope some support or treatment has followed.

However, it is also highly unusual: most children across cultures can share bedrooms and even beds up until early puberty with no harm.
posted by mumimor at 4:11 PM on April 21, 2015 [2 favorites]


In my community, in a West Coast city, it's common for kids to share rooms into late elementary and even high school. Some people use book cases and things to mark off space. But it's common here, so nobody looks at you sideways. I don't know what it is like in the burbs. There was a guy in the paper here recently who has five kids sharing one room in a condo. These aren't impoverished people - housing is just really expensive here.
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 4:13 PM on April 21, 2015


My three-years-younger brother and I shared a room when we were kids in the early 1990s. I think I got my own room when I was 8, right before I hit puberty. It went fine! We got along well then and now and it wasn't a weird situation. I don't ever recall anyone commenting on it as though it were weird, either.
posted by capricorn at 4:20 PM on April 21, 2015




I shared a room with a brother for a few years, just after our youngest sib was born, ages 5/6-7/8. After which point, the little guy lost his nursery and big brother stayed with him, until we moved to a bigger place. It was mostly fine. There was more than one argument about who'd get the top bunk. He ruined several of my Barbies (I guess that would have happened anyway) and sometimes got on my nerves with his "vrooming" and rambunctiousness. I was pleased to get my own room when I did.

As for positives, hmm. I used to have terrible nightmares and feared the dark, and I guess things probably felt safer with him around. On the other hand, we'd sometimes keep each other up too late telling dumb jokes, and he snored.

For guests, we had a pullout couch in the den, and like others above, we shuffled around if there were more than two visitors. Would that kind of solution be acceptable?
posted by cotton dress sock at 4:50 PM on April 21, 2015


I'm 2.5 years older than my brother, and I have no memory of the sleeping arrangements prior to me being about 4.5 or 5 when we moved to a big house, but from that point on we had separate rooms. All I know is, my brother and I were REALLY different kids growing up (I was a quiet bookworm, he was a loud extremely high-energy kid, even from a young age) and we often did not get along, and my room was a very important refuge for me, especially when I wanted a quiet place to read. I was an early reader so that need for me coincided with our move. I would have been miserable sharing a room with him even at that age. YMMV depending on your childrens' personalities, your son's age, etc.

Also, depending on the age of your son you may or may not remember this phase, but as the parent of a five month old there's no way I'd put a baby in the same room as an older sibling until the baby is done feeding at night, I think. Way too much interruption and the fewer people in the house losing sleep because of a baby, the better for everyone's sanity.

Anecdotally, my two nieces (6 and 8) share a room but they've already had to start putting the high-energy 6 year old to sleep in a different room, and moving her in later, because she'll keep the 8 year old up, and will also wake her up early in the morning. They have radically different sleep patterns when in different rooms, but are forced onto the latest to sleep/earliest to rise when together.
posted by olinerd at 5:01 PM on April 21, 2015 [3 favorites]


I wouldn't do it past puberty by my kids did it until the oldest was 9 with no problems. We had 4 in one room.
posted by brownrd at 6:16 PM on April 21, 2015 [1 favorite]


The available evidence on this particular niche topic, in the five minutes of searching my university’s databases which I’ve done so far, appears to be extremely limited. The most prolific researcher in this subject area looks to be Dr. Toni Cavanagh Johnson, who studies child sexual behavior, child sexual abuse, and family sexual practices. In this last category she has done two studies which aim to develop guidelines for families and mental health practitioners on family practices, including nudity in the home, monitoring the potential for children to witness sexual acts between adults, co-sleeping, and sibling privacy issues. These studies still are not quite the “evidence base” you seek as they do not utilize hard data or statistical analysis to connect family sexual practices with problematic sexual behaviors or child sexual abuse, but rather collect the opinions of mental health practitioners and child protection workers on what is and is not appropriate. I bristle at the thought of these people (of which I am one) with graduate degrees and large servings of privilege dictating what is and is not acceptable in someone else’s home based on their anecdotal experiences, but the research has to start somewhere, I suppose.

The more recent survey (Johnson, Huang, & Simpson, 2009) queried 500 practitioners on numerous family practices related to sibling interactions. For all questions participants had the option to indicate that they thought a given practice was acceptable at no age, for some ages, or for all ages. For those who answered “some ages” they were then asked to define precisely which ages were acceptable by selecting a maximum age for each of the siblings in each of the possible sibling combinations (older sister/younger brother, older brother/younger sister, brother/brother and sister/sister). For the question about sharing a room, 72% of respondents thought it was acceptable for siblings to share a room at some ages, and 23% thought it was acceptable at all ages. The “some ages” detail for Older Brother/Younger Sister broke out as: Median age for older brother: 6 yrs; Age range (based on the middle 50% of responses) for older brother: 4–9 yrs; Median age for younger sister: 4 yrs; Age range for younger sister: 2–6 yrs.

Now, bear in mind that this is the same group of respondents of whom 10% believe “hugging” is acceptable at “no age.” I cite that result to emphasize my point from above: these are people’s opinions, not conclusions drawn from evidence.

If this is an area of concern for you, I recommend ordering Dr. Johnson’s book (or just taking a look at this handy summary put together by the government of Prince Edward Island, based on the work of Johnson and other researchers) on child sexual behaviors. Healthy sexual development for children includes a lot of exploration which adults can find disturbing, so it may help to ease your anxiety if you have a broader understanding of what is considered normal.

In sum, anecdotal evidence may be the best you can hope for at the moment. The main contribution to the dilemma of mixed-gender room sharing from the psychological evidence base is one which is applicable to all family dynamics: communication with your children – about their emotions, their needs, their worries – is going to have a bigger impact on their development and their feelings of safety in the home than any sleeping arrangements you and your family decide upon. Listen to their objections and, even when you override them, communicate that you value their perspectives, and your family should be just fine.

Johnson, T. C. , Huang, B. E. & Simpson, P. (2009). Sibling family practices: Guidelines for healthy boundaries. Journal of Child Sexual Abuse, 18(3), 339-354. doi:10.1080/1053871090290163
posted by philotes at 9:57 PM on April 21, 2015 [9 favorites]


I shared a room with my brother until I was 5, at which point my older sister moved out and I got her room. I honestly didn't like having my own room at that age. I would get really scared at night and would often go back to his room until I got used to being alone.
posted by ohisee at 12:15 AM on April 22, 2015


I think it's fine up until puberty. Although people obviously sometimes do it beyond that for financial reasons, if at all possible I would want to avoid the potential mortifying embarassment of a guy entering into the "wet dreams" years while sharing a room with his younger sister! Not fun.

That said, I think the guest room reasoning is a little odd unless there's a piece of this story we're missing here. How often is this guest room actually used? I can see wanting to set it aside if you have grandparents visiting for a week every month. But if it's more "random guests come to stay for a night or two every few months," I think it's a little odd to force kids to share in order to keep that going. After all, you can always do separate rooms and then when there are visitors in town, have the kids bunk together or on an air mattress in the living room -- I know many families that do this, including my own when I was younger, and I think it's much less disruptive than planning out the whole room setup around having a permanent guest room.

Bottom line, if your son is old enough to express a preference, I would just ask him what he wants and then continue to check in with both him and sis on a regular basis. (Obviously if there's a very small age gap and he's only a year old or something, you can wait on this one, but start asking once he is old enough to have a preference.) If they like rooming together, great! If not, that's great too! I do think it would be weird, though, if they wanted separate bedrooms, there's an extra room available for the kids to have their own, and you just wouldn't allow them to do that because of guests...it seems to be placing the needs of guests outside your immediate family over the needs of people who actually are in your immediate family, and I think that sends a bad message to kids.
posted by rainbowbrite at 7:12 AM on April 22, 2015 [1 favorite]


Note that we do have the space for each sibling to have their own room. However, it would be slightly inconvenient when we have visitors and family come to visit

What will the kids think when they grow up?

I had my own room, but when old grandma visited she got my room and I slept on the couch. I did not perceive that as an inconvenience but as a nice thing to do for her.

If I had to share a room so a guests room could stand empty most of the time, I would have felt that my parents did not think I was very important. I would have resented that.

Sharing a room is ok when no separate room is available, e.g. when living in a small apartment. Think what message your priorities send to your kids.
posted by flif at 12:11 PM on April 23, 2015


I would like to emphasize what people have said about checking in with your kids on this at regular intervals and being very tuned in to how they feel about it – don't make them room apart if they don't want to and if one of them strongly wants their own space then try to work with that.

And if your children just end up with opposing personalities or one of them has some anti-social or violent behavior (it happens and can be significant) then you obviously won't want them to room together. My older brother was so horrible to me that it would have been better to have separate households but that's a different issue. At some point my mother did allow me the privilege of locking my door because he would attack me. And I'm thankful that at that point she listened to me and respected that.

But, I know many children who love it and are thriving in that and if I had had a sibling like that I think I would have enjoyed it, too.
posted by amanda at 4:56 PM on April 23, 2015


« Older New pinhead-sized mole on thumb-- not like the...   |   Best way to read academic PDFs on an e-ink device? Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.