How to find a compatible, welcoming kink environment?
April 20, 2015 11:55 PM Subscribe
After getting burned on our first try, we're trying to look at finding someplace to let our kink flag fly a bit more outside the bedroom. We could use some help/suggestions, though!
About us: we're a mid-30s married couple (lady and dude) with one kidbit (toddler). Our marriage is "ajar" as we like to put it - not full-blown open or poly, but with room enough for someone we trust to come in and play with us. We're both bi and happy to either top or bottom depending on the situation. Geeky, on the introverted side, and until now have confined our kink to our bedroom. We live in the San Diego area (specifically north county).
A little while back, we tried out a kink meetup/discussion that we found on Fetlife (which we are both on, though not all that active). It was...kind of a disaster. It seemed like everyone we met was engaged in kinkier-than-thou one-upmanship games, with a lot of lifestyle gatekeeping (if you don't do X, you're not a REAL dom/sub). We are definitely not lifestyle-y, and we didn't feel like we clicked with anyone, so we wrote it off as a loss and stuck to what worked for us in private.
We've talked about it again recently, though, and decided that maybe it's time to give it another try. Which is where you come in - obviously we're a bit skittish from the previous negative experience. What we'd like ideally is a space to play in casually (maybe 1-2 times a month, our schedules being what they are and needing a babysitter) with a compatible, and most importantly, welcoming atmosphere. Emphasis on the 'play' - as mentioned, we're not really lifestyle-y, and we both bring a fairly playful attitude to kink.
So, if you know of a place/group in the San Diego area, or have any ideas about resources to check, please help?
We have a gmail throwaway for this - askmefikinkthrowaway@gmail.com
About us: we're a mid-30s married couple (lady and dude) with one kidbit (toddler). Our marriage is "ajar" as we like to put it - not full-blown open or poly, but with room enough for someone we trust to come in and play with us. We're both bi and happy to either top or bottom depending on the situation. Geeky, on the introverted side, and until now have confined our kink to our bedroom. We live in the San Diego area (specifically north county).
A little while back, we tried out a kink meetup/discussion that we found on Fetlife (which we are both on, though not all that active). It was...kind of a disaster. It seemed like everyone we met was engaged in kinkier-than-thou one-upmanship games, with a lot of lifestyle gatekeeping (if you don't do X, you're not a REAL dom/sub). We are definitely not lifestyle-y, and we didn't feel like we clicked with anyone, so we wrote it off as a loss and stuck to what worked for us in private.
We've talked about it again recently, though, and decided that maybe it's time to give it another try. Which is where you come in - obviously we're a bit skittish from the previous negative experience. What we'd like ideally is a space to play in casually (maybe 1-2 times a month, our schedules being what they are and needing a babysitter) with a compatible, and most importantly, welcoming atmosphere. Emphasis on the 'play' - as mentioned, we're not really lifestyle-y, and we both bring a fairly playful attitude to kink.
So, if you know of a place/group in the San Diego area, or have any ideas about resources to check, please help?
We have a gmail throwaway for this - askmefikinkthrowaway@gmail.com
Agreed with Mistress. There are creeps everywhere and the behavior is classic kink creep. Since you felt the last event was a disaster, give yourself a timer next time. Go, and if it stinks you have permission to leave. Eventually you will find some nice people and fun events.
posted by munchingzombie at 5:44 AM on April 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by munchingzombie at 5:44 AM on April 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
If you can say "I disagree" or shake your head when pompous dude is pontificating, that opens up the possibility that other people feeling silent disagreement will be encouraged to get to know you.
posted by puddledork at 7:45 AM on April 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by puddledork at 7:45 AM on April 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
I don't know the scene in San Diego at all, but have found that classes in my area are a low-pressure place to check out the "community". In a class, everyone is staring forward at the teacher, so there is less having to deal with the weird blow hard next to you. I have been to classes where the instructor was aweful, but mostly not. Then if there is any social opportunity connected with that (volunteer to help with clean up after), you can start to meet people slowly.
I know with a little kid it’s harder to be the people who stay late chatting (gotta get back to the babysitter or whatever), but I’m not sure there’s a shortcut way.
I personally find any social scene much harder to penetrate (ha ha) as I get older, but having said that, the kink scene is much more accessible than most places, and the general rules (be friendly, say hello to people, get involved, volunteer) all work there as well as anywhere.
Regarding the specific bullshit you encountered: I think generally the More Kinky Than Thou crap comes primarily from insecure people with less experience, but as much as I’d like that to be 100% true, long-time scenesters do tend to have a deep internal sense of protocol and despite their efforts to be friendly, they may even unconsciously communicate that you’re “doing it wrong”. Obviously this is bullshit. Personally I’ve had to just have a bit of a tough skin about some of that and say to myself, “Well, if she thinks I look too ‘subby’ with my hand behind my back while I’m flogging, that’s her problem and she doesn’t get to get flogged by me!”
If you stick around long enough people will get to know you (and you them) and all that stupid shit will be less important.
posted by latkes at 7:59 AM on April 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
I know with a little kid it’s harder to be the people who stay late chatting (gotta get back to the babysitter or whatever), but I’m not sure there’s a shortcut way.
I personally find any social scene much harder to penetrate (ha ha) as I get older, but having said that, the kink scene is much more accessible than most places, and the general rules (be friendly, say hello to people, get involved, volunteer) all work there as well as anywhere.
Regarding the specific bullshit you encountered: I think generally the More Kinky Than Thou crap comes primarily from insecure people with less experience, but as much as I’d like that to be 100% true, long-time scenesters do tend to have a deep internal sense of protocol and despite their efforts to be friendly, they may even unconsciously communicate that you’re “doing it wrong”. Obviously this is bullshit. Personally I’ve had to just have a bit of a tough skin about some of that and say to myself, “Well, if she thinks I look too ‘subby’ with my hand behind my back while I’m flogging, that’s her problem and she doesn’t get to get flogged by me!”
If you stick around long enough people will get to know you (and you them) and all that stupid shit will be less important.
posted by latkes at 7:59 AM on April 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
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Once you have some friends, go with them to a play party. If they've been around a while they'll be a great guide to the right play party and the right people there.
posted by Mistress at 12:03 AM on April 21, 2015 [3 favorites]