My student lost her battle with bipolar. (triggers ahead)
April 20, 2015 1:15 PM Subscribe
I'm a high school teacher at a small, therapeutic high school for teens with emotional disabilities. Three days ago, one of my kids suddenly and with no warning committed suicide at her home. Staff found out just as the kids were coming in. We quickly prepared how we would tell the kids, and the next three days were a blur of tears, shock, some hysteria; it was all horrific.
After finding out, all my co-workers (teachers and clinicians) and I went into an immediate emotional lockdown to help our kids. As best we could, we absorbed their pain and helped them process while completely sublimating our own feelings.
It's now the weekend, and I can now finally think about this kid and begin to grieve. And it's just horrible and heartbreaking and I am speaking to a grief counselor and working through my own feelings.
My question: while we had and will continue to have grief counselors at school when we return, how do I best help the kids as an educator?
What I mean is, how can anyone care about whatever geometry and other crap I teach? How do I work with the gaping hole in our lives and "do school?"
I really want to know, if you were a teen and your friend committed suicide, how would you want your teachers to behave?
After finding out, all my co-workers (teachers and clinicians) and I went into an immediate emotional lockdown to help our kids. As best we could, we absorbed their pain and helped them process while completely sublimating our own feelings.
It's now the weekend, and I can now finally think about this kid and begin to grieve. And it's just horrible and heartbreaking and I am speaking to a grief counselor and working through my own feelings.
My question: while we had and will continue to have grief counselors at school when we return, how do I best help the kids as an educator?
What I mean is, how can anyone care about whatever geometry and other crap I teach? How do I work with the gaping hole in our lives and "do school?"
I really want to know, if you were a teen and your friend committed suicide, how would you want your teachers to behave?
I really want to know, if you were a teen and your friend committed suicide, how would you want your teachers to behave?
A girl at my high school (who I didn't know) died somewhat suddenly of a previously unsuspected brain condition. One thing that I thought was really nice was, they issued her a yearbook and passed it around the different classes for kids to sign and write notes in if they wanted, then gave it to her parents. I thought it was really touching, and it seemed like her friends got some closure from it.
posted by showbiz_liz at 1:28 PM on April 20, 2015 [34 favorites]
A girl at my high school (who I didn't know) died somewhat suddenly of a previously unsuspected brain condition. One thing that I thought was really nice was, they issued her a yearbook and passed it around the different classes for kids to sign and write notes in if they wanted, then gave it to her parents. I thought it was really touching, and it seemed like her friends got some closure from it.
posted by showbiz_liz at 1:28 PM on April 20, 2015 [34 favorites]
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. (Virtual hugs to you if you want them.) As someone who has been through a traumatic childhood and dealt with things like you're experiencing, I took refuge in school. I loved school. I can honestly tell you that I looked forward to going to school and forgetting about everything else. The routine was soothing and I wouldn't want to be reminded of everything else that sucked in my life, so I suggest you just keep teaching as usual and any kid that wants to talk more will approach you or a counselor of their own accord. Just my opinion.
posted by LuckySeven~ at 1:34 PM on April 20, 2015 [12 favorites]
posted by LuckySeven~ at 1:34 PM on April 20, 2015 [12 favorites]
I agree with routine. I remember when 9/11 happened and the part that made it really hit home the most for me was there was no Simpsons episodes on TV when I usually watched. Instead it was more and more footage of 9/11. I missed that simple, silly routine the most.
The counselors will be there for them when they need them. They will still want and need the safety of routine, too.
posted by jillithd at 1:44 PM on April 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
The counselors will be there for them when they need them. They will still want and need the safety of routine, too.
posted by jillithd at 1:44 PM on April 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
I agree with routine. I remember when 9/11 happened and the part that made it really hit home the most for me was there was no Simpsons episodes on TV when I usually watched. Instead it was more and more footage of 9/11. I missed that simple, silly routine the most.
Seconding this (for the same reason) - what pulled me out of the fugue states I would lapse into in the weeks afterward was my cat shouting at me to feed him every night, the same way he always did. It kind of underscored for me that "okay, yeah, those other people may be dead, but YOU'RE not" and that gradually turned into a more high-minded "I'm living for the people who can't".
But the routine was definitely something that I could cling onto as Something Stable. I may have felt like I didn't know what else was going on elsewhere in the world, but I could rely upon it as an Iron-clad FACT that Every Night At Six My Cat Will Turn Into A Pain In The Ass Until I Feed Him Kibble, Amen.
At the same time, I may suggest being a bit more patient with kids who suddenly have to excuse themselves to the bathroom for a cry during class or something, for the first couple weeks. There's routine, and then there's over-strictness with policy.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:53 PM on April 20, 2015 [6 favorites]
Seconding this (for the same reason) - what pulled me out of the fugue states I would lapse into in the weeks afterward was my cat shouting at me to feed him every night, the same way he always did. It kind of underscored for me that "okay, yeah, those other people may be dead, but YOU'RE not" and that gradually turned into a more high-minded "I'm living for the people who can't".
But the routine was definitely something that I could cling onto as Something Stable. I may have felt like I didn't know what else was going on elsewhere in the world, but I could rely upon it as an Iron-clad FACT that Every Night At Six My Cat Will Turn Into A Pain In The Ass Until I Feed Him Kibble, Amen.
At the same time, I may suggest being a bit more patient with kids who suddenly have to excuse themselves to the bathroom for a cry during class or something, for the first couple weeks. There's routine, and then there's over-strictness with policy.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:53 PM on April 20, 2015 [6 favorites]
A close friend of mine committed suicide my senior year. I was late to school a few times without penalty or trouble, and I had to leave a couple of classes unexpectedly because I was tearful, but otherwise life moved along as usual. And that was right.
I tried to get out of a choir concert happening a few days after his death, and the teacher gently told me I needed to be there, that it was part of our grade for the class, and in retrospect, I was grateful. For me, moping at home was way worse than just continuing on.
Nothing was the same of course; it took me years to right myself. But just going to school and having it be normal was good for me.
posted by purpleclover at 2:00 PM on April 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
I tried to get out of a choir concert happening a few days after his death, and the teacher gently told me I needed to be there, that it was part of our grade for the class, and in retrospect, I was grateful. For me, moping at home was way worse than just continuing on.
Nothing was the same of course; it took me years to right myself. But just going to school and having it be normal was good for me.
posted by purpleclover at 2:00 PM on April 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
At my small high school when someone tragically died, they had several of his friends who were great artists do a small mural. People would leave flowers and notes and stuff in front of it on his birthday. The yearbook thing definitely happened, too.
The mural was, in my opinion, a great idea though.
posted by emptythought at 2:04 PM on April 20, 2015
The mural was, in my opinion, a great idea though.
posted by emptythought at 2:04 PM on April 20, 2015
The movie Monsieur Lazhar was about exactly this, and very well done.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 2:06 PM on April 20, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by St. Peepsburg at 2:06 PM on April 20, 2015 [4 favorites]
My favourite student at the last secondary school I worked in committed sucide. It was a large school (over 2,000 students) so classes and normalcy were important to offer for both the students that were grieving and the ones that weren't, but there was a physical "safe space" for any student to go to be with others grieving or have staff available to talk. It was a Catholic school so we had a chapel, but I think all schools should have a quiet space set aside to offer the privacy and the recognition that grieving is sacred. Do you have a room that could be used for this purpose now, and then later can be used for things like yoga or meditation, especially if the room could be named in such a way that it honours her without directly naming her (because, as a high school, her name won't have as much meaning to the students but her family/your teachers may feel renaming the room disrespectful).
posted by saucysault at 2:16 PM on April 20, 2015
posted by saucysault at 2:16 PM on April 20, 2015
What I mean is, how can anyone care about whatever geometry and other crap I teach? How do I work with the gaping hole in our lives and "do school?"
Because routine is good for re-integrating with life. And because long after the shock and grief of this has passed, your kids are going to need geometry and high school diplomas and all of the tools you can give them to move their lives forward.
I am very sorry for all of your pain. My condolences.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:36 PM on April 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
Because routine is good for re-integrating with life. And because long after the shock and grief of this has passed, your kids are going to need geometry and high school diplomas and all of the tools you can give them to move their lives forward.
I am very sorry for all of your pain. My condolences.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:36 PM on April 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
I think in these situations adults can give a few really important messages about grief.
1. It comes and goes, and when a child (or an adult!) is in acute distress, they deserve support. So yes, extra understanding about crying, breaks, deadlines.
2. It takes a long time to process. You could make a note on your calendar to check in with your students (if your school is supportive) on this in a month, in three months, next year at this time.
3. The job of the living is to live. That means life goes on as best we can -- not callously, not with disregard for the lost, but we honour the shortness of life most, I think, when we get down to the business of the day as best we can.
I don't know what you teach but you mentioned geometry and while I was going through a period of intense grief in my life I coloured fractals colouring pages a lot. I found the patterns and colour soothing but also for some reason they connected with the idea of patterns of life (boy this is getting cheesy...it was a cheesy time). Maybe you could have something like that available in your class for kids to use that is tangentially related to your subject, like, if you're having a tough day you can do this thing. Art can be kind of healing, and so can math.
posted by warriorqueen at 3:03 PM on April 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
1. It comes and goes, and when a child (or an adult!) is in acute distress, they deserve support. So yes, extra understanding about crying, breaks, deadlines.
2. It takes a long time to process. You could make a note on your calendar to check in with your students (if your school is supportive) on this in a month, in three months, next year at this time.
3. The job of the living is to live. That means life goes on as best we can -- not callously, not with disregard for the lost, but we honour the shortness of life most, I think, when we get down to the business of the day as best we can.
I don't know what you teach but you mentioned geometry and while I was going through a period of intense grief in my life I coloured fractals colouring pages a lot. I found the patterns and colour soothing but also for some reason they connected with the idea of patterns of life (boy this is getting cheesy...it was a cheesy time). Maybe you could have something like that available in your class for kids to use that is tangentially related to your subject, like, if you're having a tough day you can do this thing. Art can be kind of healing, and so can math.
posted by warriorqueen at 3:03 PM on April 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
I am very, very sorry for your loss. One thing that has helped me a lot is hearing that it's okay to not be over a death in 6 months or even a year. Maybe your students would benefit from hearing the same so they know they aren't failing at getting past grief if they're still dealing with the trauma of losing a friend months on.
posted by Hermione Granger at 3:26 PM on April 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by Hermione Granger at 3:26 PM on April 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
We had that happen in a friends school. Short term I totally agree with full support, notebooks, memorials, messages, stories, poems, etc. Those are all wonderful and supportive and healing.
Medium to long term it was good to not have it overly catastrophized. Life can be weird and odd and wonderful, and often too short. And dealing with death is such a part of it. It just is, no one escapes. So showing good coping mechanisms and healthy perspectives is important. Some people never ever seem to let go of the woundedness and I don't know if it serves them well in life.
posted by tatiana131 at 4:49 PM on April 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
Medium to long term it was good to not have it overly catastrophized. Life can be weird and odd and wonderful, and often too short. And dealing with death is such a part of it. It just is, no one escapes. So showing good coping mechanisms and healthy perspectives is important. Some people never ever seem to let go of the woundedness and I don't know if it serves them well in life.
posted by tatiana131 at 4:49 PM on April 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'm sorry for your loss.
Your question reminded me of this question. It's not the same type of situation, but you may find some insight there. I responded to that question with my personal experience - basically, that the professor who kindly and gently acknowledged my pain, but held me to the same academic expectations, was the one who made the biggest impact on me.
YMMV with younger students in a population that is already recognized as needing additional emotional support, but that was my experience.
FYI, I wasn't even mad at the professor in the moment. I look back on that professor - who denied me an extension as I quietly cried in grief and loss - with no anger or frustration, and only respect. (I suppose I was pretty full of Sad and didn't have room for Anger.)
posted by samthemander at 5:04 PM on April 20, 2015
Your question reminded me of this question. It's not the same type of situation, but you may find some insight there. I responded to that question with my personal experience - basically, that the professor who kindly and gently acknowledged my pain, but held me to the same academic expectations, was the one who made the biggest impact on me.
YMMV with younger students in a population that is already recognized as needing additional emotional support, but that was my experience.
FYI, I wasn't even mad at the professor in the moment. I look back on that professor - who denied me an extension as I quietly cried in grief and loss - with no anger or frustration, and only respect. (I suppose I was pretty full of Sad and didn't have room for Anger.)
posted by samthemander at 5:04 PM on April 20, 2015
You might want to check out Art with Heart, an organization that has developed an awesome set of creative workbooks for youth dealing with emotional trauma.
posted by oxisos at 5:15 PM on April 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by oxisos at 5:15 PM on April 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
I had a student who (along with her brother) died in a car accident, and my heart goes out to you. The sudden-ness, the strange relationship you had that seems like it was kind of in a nether-place, it's hard.
I taught English at the time, so it was easy to have a writing assignment where they wrote about her death or did not. I didn't read what they wrote, just checked for completion.
I don't know if this is what was the most important, but it felt that way to me:
After my students started writing, I sat down at my own desk to take attendance. I got to that student's name and felt myself start to lose it. I sobbed. And stayed right there at my desk. I could have gone out in the hall or something, but I wanted them to see it was okay. That we could sob and mourn and also move on.
My best to you.
posted by mermaidcafe at 6:50 PM on April 20, 2015 [4 favorites]
I taught English at the time, so it was easy to have a writing assignment where they wrote about her death or did not. I didn't read what they wrote, just checked for completion.
I don't know if this is what was the most important, but it felt that way to me:
After my students started writing, I sat down at my own desk to take attendance. I got to that student's name and felt myself start to lose it. I sobbed. And stayed right there at my desk. I could have gone out in the hall or something, but I wanted them to see it was okay. That we could sob and mourn and also move on.
My best to you.
posted by mermaidcafe at 6:50 PM on April 20, 2015 [4 favorites]
I lost a young loved one to suicide last year and am also an educator so I can relate to this experience. My condolences to you, your colleagues, your students, and your community right now. I am well beyond my teen years: I can understand the pain and desperation the deceased student felt (fortunately not in my recent past) but have trouble imagining how horrible it must feel for such young teens because it's such an extreme experience, especially for young students who likely have never experienced something similar. It's a learning process for all, and please don't worry about being "perfect" right now as much as present.
I assume they have the number for a 24/7 helpline they can call or text for outside of school hours?
I agree that having some order and "normalcy" again will be helpful to everyone. However, you can leave lots of room for breaks and moments to reflect. Of course, your breaking down in front of the students would be hard on them but, should they come, shedding a few tears and talking about how sad you are is completely acceptable. You'll be a model for expressing grief; some students may come from homes where they receive a lot of support for processing grief but more will appreciate getting that validation and support from school.
Social media is an important outlet for many teens to express their feelings. For example, they may have left -- and continue to leave -- messages for their classmate on her old accounts. Unless they write something inappropriate or dangerous, I think this is likely positive for them.
Note: a lot of people, teens especially, jump to the conclusion that particular teen suicide is due to bullying, which is a word that gets thrown around a lot (and overused as to take attention away from true scenarios with bullying, sadly.) I appropriate, I'd definitely talk about [mental] illness and how it can be for people. There's so much stigma and misunderstanding around it still and you can help shed some light.
Could you plan a memorial service for the student this week, perhaps on Friday? Students could come up with the ideas, which you could then help organize.
Long-term, perhaps you could look into activism, such as taking part in or arranging a Walk to End Darkness through the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. They have wonderful resources for survivors, too.
Again, I wish you and your community all the best at this incredibly difficult time.
posted by smorgasbord at 7:04 PM on April 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
I assume they have the number for a 24/7 helpline they can call or text for outside of school hours?
I agree that having some order and "normalcy" again will be helpful to everyone. However, you can leave lots of room for breaks and moments to reflect. Of course, your breaking down in front of the students would be hard on them but, should they come, shedding a few tears and talking about how sad you are is completely acceptable. You'll be a model for expressing grief; some students may come from homes where they receive a lot of support for processing grief but more will appreciate getting that validation and support from school.
Social media is an important outlet for many teens to express their feelings. For example, they may have left -- and continue to leave -- messages for their classmate on her old accounts. Unless they write something inappropriate or dangerous, I think this is likely positive for them.
Note: a lot of people, teens especially, jump to the conclusion that particular teen suicide is due to bullying, which is a word that gets thrown around a lot (and overused as to take attention away from true scenarios with bullying, sadly.) I appropriate, I'd definitely talk about [mental] illness and how it can be for people. There's so much stigma and misunderstanding around it still and you can help shed some light.
Could you plan a memorial service for the student this week, perhaps on Friday? Students could come up with the ideas, which you could then help organize.
Long-term, perhaps you could look into activism, such as taking part in or arranging a Walk to End Darkness through the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. They have wonderful resources for survivors, too.
Again, I wish you and your community all the best at this incredibly difficult time.
posted by smorgasbord at 7:04 PM on April 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
(By memorial service, I mean a remembrance service at school. The grief counselors could surely help arrange this and provide guidance.)
posted by smorgasbord at 7:59 PM on April 20, 2015
posted by smorgasbord at 7:59 PM on April 20, 2015
I had a friend commit suicide Senior Year in High School, back in 1987.
What helped at the time: they let us all who wanted to go to the funeral go, with no penalty for being absent or missing tests/quizzes that were scheduled. The funeral was during a weekday, so that was valuable and healing for me. I did have a math test that the teacher gave me later in the week. (Which I completely bombed, but that was nothing due to the death - matricies and I weren't friends at the time.)
I do wish though that they had more opportunities for grief counseling. I only had a chance to meet with someone once about it. I'd remind the students of what counseling is out there, often. Some may process it the first time, some may need to be told a few times about it. Maybe have a schedule and/or a list of resources printed up, so that they can grab a copy and read it at their leisure. Take care.
posted by spinifex23 at 8:40 PM on April 20, 2015
What helped at the time: they let us all who wanted to go to the funeral go, with no penalty for being absent or missing tests/quizzes that were scheduled. The funeral was during a weekday, so that was valuable and healing for me. I did have a math test that the teacher gave me later in the week. (Which I completely bombed, but that was nothing due to the death - matricies and I weren't friends at the time.)
I do wish though that they had more opportunities for grief counseling. I only had a chance to meet with someone once about it. I'd remind the students of what counseling is out there, often. Some may process it the first time, some may need to be told a few times about it. Maybe have a schedule and/or a list of resources printed up, so that they can grab a copy and read it at their leisure. Take care.
posted by spinifex23 at 8:40 PM on April 20, 2015
I have found the ideas in the book Five ways we grieve To be very helpful. Could you find staff that are naturally aligned with one of the grieving methods get together and then be the go-to people for the students that also grieve that way?
posted by saucysault at 5:42 AM on April 21, 2015
posted by saucysault at 5:42 AM on April 21, 2015
One thing that's important to remember is that it's actually good--critical, even--to have things that force you to take a break from grieving, even in the immediate aftermath of a death--to do something that takes you away from thinking about the gaping black hole 24/7. When my son died I kept going to the barn and started back doing (greatly reduced) work just about as soon as the relatives all flew back home after the memorial service, and likewise it was really important to my daughter to continue on with school and her sports activities.
posted by drlith at 6:00 AM on April 21, 2015
posted by drlith at 6:00 AM on April 21, 2015
I'm so sorry for your loss. I saw this lovely article about a mom who lost her daughter to mental illness today, and thought you might like to read its perspective.
posted by Dashy at 8:47 AM on April 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Dashy at 8:47 AM on April 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
My then-boyfriends younger sister, who was just a grade below us at the same school, committed suicide right before a school year started. The school offered grief counselors for a handful of days (probably the first week or two as school started? It's been some years)... and gave her a memorial page in the yearbook. There was also a memorial photo montage sort of thing on the weekly video announcements.
I agree that continuing routine while acknowledging what happened is a good thing. I needed to feel like other things in my life were normal.
posted by Donuts at 1:01 PM on April 21, 2015
I agree that continuing routine while acknowledging what happened is a good thing. I needed to feel like other things in my life were normal.
posted by Donuts at 1:01 PM on April 21, 2015
The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention "After a Suicide: A Toolkit for Schools" just popped up on my FB newsfeed tonight. A lot of it may cover issues that are outside your scope of influence but there may be some helpful info in it for you.
posted by drlith at 7:10 PM on April 23, 2015
posted by drlith at 7:10 PM on April 23, 2015
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posted by janey47 at 1:18 PM on April 20, 2015 [6 favorites]