How do I better my listening skills at work?
April 15, 2015 7:29 PM Subscribe
I have a hard time listening to and participating in conversations at work... how can I improve?
I have a hard time listening to and participating in conversations at work, and am increasingly conscious of how detrimental this is.
It's worst in meetings, where I'm usually unable to follow trains of thought being expressed by multiple people. Some reasons why: I'm a really detailed person, and because I know I won't understand every detail during a meeting, I don't stop and ask questions if I don't understand something. Typically if I hear something that my gut disagrees with, I don't normally express that point of view because I feel I don't have all the facts, or haven't thought it through yet, and am afraid of saying something that I should know.
Instead I'll grab onto little bits of conversation, write down random notes, with the intention that the pieces will fall into place later. The thing is, the pieces don't always come together, and sometimes are just left forgotten.
Some other facts: Overall I struggle with making decisions, seeing the big picture, keeping things simple, and being overly self conscious. Personality-type wise, I'm an INTJ (essentially an introvert who plans and thinks a LOT). I also work on a lot of different things, so I'm often switching between tasks and requests. My colleagues are type A, and I am not. My sense is that these things are all interrelated.
I *wish* that I could listen better, be more assertive/confident with asking questions and admitting what I don't know, because this would help me help others.
I'd love to hear from others who might have felt this way, and any advice on how to be a better listener and put the pieces together more efficiently.
I have a hard time listening to and participating in conversations at work, and am increasingly conscious of how detrimental this is.
It's worst in meetings, where I'm usually unable to follow trains of thought being expressed by multiple people. Some reasons why: I'm a really detailed person, and because I know I won't understand every detail during a meeting, I don't stop and ask questions if I don't understand something. Typically if I hear something that my gut disagrees with, I don't normally express that point of view because I feel I don't have all the facts, or haven't thought it through yet, and am afraid of saying something that I should know.
Instead I'll grab onto little bits of conversation, write down random notes, with the intention that the pieces will fall into place later. The thing is, the pieces don't always come together, and sometimes are just left forgotten.
Some other facts: Overall I struggle with making decisions, seeing the big picture, keeping things simple, and being overly self conscious. Personality-type wise, I'm an INTJ (essentially an introvert who plans and thinks a LOT). I also work on a lot of different things, so I'm often switching between tasks and requests. My colleagues are type A, and I am not. My sense is that these things are all interrelated.
I *wish* that I could listen better, be more assertive/confident with asking questions and admitting what I don't know, because this would help me help others.
I'd love to hear from others who might have felt this way, and any advice on how to be a better listener and put the pieces together more efficiently.
Do you think the main problem is listening? Most of the details are lack of participation and understanding, which is different. One can cause the other, of course.
Listening problems are when you realize were thinking about lunch plans or your next meeting or whatever, and you missed two or three sentences and are now lost. Typical tips to improve that is are physically look at whomever is talking, use pauses to think only about what they are saying, and write an outline (not "random notes") as to what they are saying.
If the problem isn't really listening--or it's only a problem after you've already lost the thread of a meeting you *were* listening too--the best advice is that no one objects to a question or two. A straightforward "I understood up to such-and-such a point, then I didn't follow, can you please explain again?" will very possibly improve people's impression of you as someone who is engaged, paying attention and honest. Another thing I have become willing to do is interrupt in the first five minutes of a meeting and say "Why are we meeting? What question are we trying to answer?" if it's not been made clear to my satisfaction.
Another tactic, if you feel you've asked enough in public, is to buttonhole someone on the way out and ask about something you didn't understand. People usually welcome a chance to explain something they know. Knowing the topic helps a lot. Prepare for meetings by reviewing the agenda, the minutes from the last meeting, and/or ask a colleague what they think the main issues will be.
Finally, if as you're thinking about all this, you conclude you personally have nothing to offer and nothing to learn from a meeting, ask your boss why you are attending.
posted by mark k at 9:07 PM on April 15, 2015 [3 favorites]
Listening problems are when you realize were thinking about lunch plans or your next meeting or whatever, and you missed two or three sentences and are now lost. Typical tips to improve that is are physically look at whomever is talking, use pauses to think only about what they are saying, and write an outline (not "random notes") as to what they are saying.
If the problem isn't really listening--or it's only a problem after you've already lost the thread of a meeting you *were* listening too--the best advice is that no one objects to a question or two. A straightforward "I understood up to such-and-such a point, then I didn't follow, can you please explain again?" will very possibly improve people's impression of you as someone who is engaged, paying attention and honest. Another thing I have become willing to do is interrupt in the first five minutes of a meeting and say "Why are we meeting? What question are we trying to answer?" if it's not been made clear to my satisfaction.
Another tactic, if you feel you've asked enough in public, is to buttonhole someone on the way out and ask about something you didn't understand. People usually welcome a chance to explain something they know. Knowing the topic helps a lot. Prepare for meetings by reviewing the agenda, the minutes from the last meeting, and/or ask a colleague what they think the main issues will be.
Finally, if as you're thinking about all this, you conclude you personally have nothing to offer and nothing to learn from a meeting, ask your boss why you are attending.
posted by mark k at 9:07 PM on April 15, 2015 [3 favorites]
Could it be (Central) Auditory Processing Disorder (APD or CAPD)? I have similar issues and have huge trouble staying attentive, no matter how motivated. I sought advice from learning support professionals and was channeled to an audiologist who diagnosed CAPD. The benefit of having a diagnosis is that now I can deliberately approach things differently to get the results I need, rather than being furious with myself for not being able to get satisfactory results via the standard approach.
posted by y6t5r4e3w2q1 at 9:24 PM on April 15, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by y6t5r4e3w2q1 at 9:24 PM on April 15, 2015 [2 favorites]
Maybe ADD? I dunno, I have a hard time focusing on people droning on in meetings too, at least I do without being allowed to fidget or do something else besides sit still and stare. Sitting still and staring will lead to me losing all interest in anything. I listen a lot better if I DON'T have to stare with rapt attention, but the big boss doesn't allow that. If your work will let you doodle or something, maybe try doing that to see if you will focus better?
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:07 PM on April 15, 2015
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:07 PM on April 15, 2015
Are you junior in your field? If you are, don't expect to know everything that the experts do. If the conversation is over your head it will be really hard to follow. So prepare in advance for the meeting - talk to the host, ask all your questions 1:1 first to get an idea of the issues and decisions to be made. Also sit next to someone who you feel comfortable asking small questions during the meeting.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 5:05 AM on April 16, 2015
posted by St. Peepsburg at 5:05 AM on April 16, 2015
I'm a really detailed person, and because I know I won't understand every detail during a meeting, I don't stop and ask questions if I don't understand something. Typically if I hear something that my gut disagrees with, I don't normally express that point of view because I feel I don't have all the facts, or haven't thought it through yet, and am afraid of saying something that I should know.
So isn't this what meetings are for? Asking questions, getting clarification, working through the unclear bits. Maybe you might start by asking one or two questions in meetings. It's likely that some people are thinking the same thing you are.
posted by Brent Parker at 7:44 AM on April 16, 2015
So isn't this what meetings are for? Asking questions, getting clarification, working through the unclear bits. Maybe you might start by asking one or two questions in meetings. It's likely that some people are thinking the same thing you are.
posted by Brent Parker at 7:44 AM on April 16, 2015
Meetings can be hard, especially when they drag on or are poorly organized. Reviewing the agenda before hand is good prep and should give you the big picture. You then just need to figure out where you are in the big picture, and be sure to focus on those details. If you can't determine what the big picture is from the agenda, ask (also, that might be a sign the meetings are poorly organized/run or you're role hasnt been made clear to you: at that point it's not really a you problem, but an organizational problem). I also personally find a cup of coffee shortly before helps to boost my focus (obviously for some people it's the opposite).
Is it that you're not listening, or that you're not retaining the information because it's not making sense/letting those details sidetrack you? If it's the later, asking questions in the moment can help you stay engaged rather than losing the thread of conversation, which is ideally the goal of the meeting.
But if the meeting is set up so you don't feel like you can ask questions, can you take your notes and immediately follow-up with your supervisor/mentor? That way you're giving yourself a second chance to retain the information. It might also help you start to figure out what pieces you should focus on understanding and which ones you can let go (so they don't drag your attention away).
posted by ghost phoneme at 8:21 AM on April 16, 2015 [1 favorite]
Is it that you're not listening, or that you're not retaining the information because it's not making sense/letting those details sidetrack you? If it's the later, asking questions in the moment can help you stay engaged rather than losing the thread of conversation, which is ideally the goal of the meeting.
But if the meeting is set up so you don't feel like you can ask questions, can you take your notes and immediately follow-up with your supervisor/mentor? That way you're giving yourself a second chance to retain the information. It might also help you start to figure out what pieces you should focus on understanding and which ones you can let go (so they don't drag your attention away).
posted by ghost phoneme at 8:21 AM on April 16, 2015 [1 favorite]
Are you getting enough exercise? Gotta git the blood flowing. Try this. It helps.
During the meeting your notes are useless anyway, so roll with that. Get permission to record the meeting and go over it later. Or if there are detailed meeting minutes, review those carefully.
posted by aniola at 8:40 AM on April 16, 2015
During the meeting your notes are useless anyway, so roll with that. Get permission to record the meeting and go over it later. Or if there are detailed meeting minutes, review those carefully.
posted by aniola at 8:40 AM on April 16, 2015
Yes! If there is an agenda, prepare beforehand. And remember to exercise.
posted by aniola at 8:42 AM on April 16, 2015
posted by aniola at 8:42 AM on April 16, 2015
Sounds like me. Seconding exercise. I struggle with many of the same issues, and since I started a daily cardio exercise regimen found that I was able to stay more engaged during meetings. I've been anecdotally diagnosed with ADD (basically without testing me a psychiatrist prescribed Adderall, it worked, and she concluded ADD.)
I also found it important when I realized that the issue is really only present in group situations, where I found the challenge was less about my ability to focus on any one person or subject, and more about my ability to focus when there is environmental distraction.
Always interested in improving in this area -- I'm eager to hear where I too can seek guidance from a professional, as I should validate the ADD diagnosis, and look into what I believe is a learning disability. Outside of The Google, I don't know where to start in seeking a diagnosis and help.
posted by nandaro at 2:27 PM on April 16, 2015
I also found it important when I realized that the issue is really only present in group situations, where I found the challenge was less about my ability to focus on any one person or subject, and more about my ability to focus when there is environmental distraction.
Always interested in improving in this area -- I'm eager to hear where I too can seek guidance from a professional, as I should validate the ADD diagnosis, and look into what I believe is a learning disability. Outside of The Google, I don't know where to start in seeking a diagnosis and help.
posted by nandaro at 2:27 PM on April 16, 2015
This thread is closed to new comments.
lighten up. You're fine-- probably a lot better at face-to-face than you think
posted by BadgerDoctor at 7:58 PM on April 15, 2015