My cat is an awful roommate

April 14, 2015 9:51 PM

For a number of reasons, my partner and I have decided to live separately for the first time in our relationship. I've lived with a partner for the majority of my adult life, and I have no idea how to make living alone not suck OR how to do a grown-up relationship without living together. Snowflakes galore inside.

Suffice it to say that the reasons and discussions that led to my partner of about 3 years moving out of our home and us deciding to continue in serious relationship are good, sound reasons that should benefit our relationship. We may, in the future, discuss living together again, but assume that I'll be living alone for the medium-term future. We are still living in the same city as each other and see each other regularly.

Since she moved out (about a week and a half ago), I've done a pretty fantastic job of ramping up my social life through local events, meetup.com groups, drinks with friends, etc. I've also been reading more, working on more projects that I've been putting off, wasting time on the internet less, joined a gym, and am pleased to be eating sunflower seeds in bed while drinking juice from the bottle in my bed as I write this.

Still, I'm finding that I really hate living alone, especially in the place that I shared with my partner. Despite the reasons being good ones for her to move out, I'm still quite sad that we're not living together anymore, and seeing things like the empty closet that her clothes used to be in or the fact that I froze a bunch of meat from Costco in portions of two a month ago is depressing. I'm always just fine when I'm out doing things or at work, but once I come home to an empty apartment, I'm finding it hard to find any motivation to cook for myself (seriously, this sunflower seed and juice dinner is unacceptable from a nutritional standpoint), go grocery shopping, or really do much else besides sulking about being lonely. I'm fine in the mornings before work, it's just when I get home that this bothers me.

The strange thing is that I really hate living with roommates. Before living with my current partner, I lived with my previous partner for about 6 years. I enjoy living with partners, but platonic roommates have always driven me insane.

Also, I'm having trouble figuring out how often I should be wanting to talk to my partner. We've lived together for pretty much our entire relationship, and normally we'd text or call throughout the work day if something shitty/awesome/funny/otherwise out of the ordinary was going on in either of our days, then of course see each other at home every night. We've already talked about how much time we'll be spending together (at least a day a week, probably more than that most weeks, and spending around 1 night a week sleeping at each other's places), but it's weird not to talk about fairly mundane things like how our work days went with each other every night. At the same time, a large part of the reason for living separately is to establish some more independence from each other, so I want to make sure that we don't default to spending all day every day texting about nothing while we're at work.

So, any guidance on what I can do to:
a) stop sulking over not sharing a home with my partner anymore
b) generally feel less lonely and more motivated to do things like cook decent meals for myself and do the laundry
c) figure out how much day to day communication would be best for us

Possibly relevant: I am a 28 year old man. I already have an adorable cat and can't have any more pets. My apartment is already decorated to my satisfaction and fully furnished. I have a garden and a garage full of woodworking projects. I actually like to cook, which is why the failure to cook baffles me so. Neither of us will be financially struggling because of the new living situations. My lease is up in 2 months, and I'll be moving into another (to be selected in the future) rental unit in the same city.

posted by cheerwine to Human Relations (14 answers total)

I'd consider painting the walls or rearranging the furniture, myself. I know it's decorated to your satisfaction, but wouldn't it be interesting if you painted a wall or a room or two?
posted by salvia at 9:58 PM on April 14, 2015 [2 favorites]

Best answer: Yeah, my first suggestion was going to be move. I think that will help a lot. In the meantime doing some pre-move de-cluttering and re-arraging furniture might be cathartic.

Honestly, when I lived alone I couldn't be bothered to cook either. There are some beautiful cookbooks out there specifically on cooking for one though, if you're dedicated to the idea. Maybe project cook over the weekend? Dinner parties? I'd have one person over for dinner every week until all that paired up meat is gone! Also, a slow cooker... that way when you get home your apartment smells friendly like cooked food and the cooking is done. I also often had Radio/TV/Podcasts/Music/Books on tape playing in the evening.

You probably really need to discuss day-to-day communication with her, and revisit it periodically. You might want more space now, but be happy to go back to "texting about nothing all day" in a few weeks/months. Have you talked with about how close to her the new apartment will be?

Lastly, this is just going to take time!

I don't believe you about the cat. Photographic evidence please.... ;)

(If living alone bothers you after you move and settle in, maybe consider listing the second room on Couchsurfing or AirBnB or something? That way you can have intermittent company, but not a full time roommate.)
posted by jrobin276 at 10:10 PM on April 14, 2015 [6 favorites]

I'd recommend picking ~2 hobbies and spend the next month getting better at those, and getting in with some groups of guys who are into those hobbies too. The domestic stuff doesn't matter if you're a single guy (cooking? laundry? don't waste your time!) Focus on what you want to do to keep your partner -- building an independent impressive identity -- because moving out is a bad sign for your relationship! Let me suggest EMT training / becoming a volunteer EMT as a hard, impressive, and good thing to do. Taking college classes, starting a band, buying a motorcycle, and playing a sport you're already OK at are a few other cliche'd activities. But, do what you are into for its own sake.

Commit to keeping up with those hobbies/interests and being out of the house most nights of the week. Then, ask your partner to move back in, because living apart will destroy your relationship. Frankly, since it sounds like she asked for this and is driving taking this step back in the relationship, I'd guess you have 2 months tops to make serious changes or she will break up with you.
posted by sninctown at 10:11 PM on April 14, 2015 [3 favorites]

Claim your space back, if you like your current furniture etc, how about rearranging a room or two, store things in that closet, cook meals your partner didn't like. Maybe some sort of ritual to claim back the space, sage smudging or what ever works for you and the cat.. Be it to grieve what ended or celebrate your independence, what ever works for you.
posted by wwax at 10:15 PM on April 14, 2015 [1 favorite]

Best answer: I agree that it will take time and that once you move things might improve. In the meantime, try to rearrange and fill in spaces - not necessarily buy more stuff, but for example fill in the closet with your stuff so it's not just empty, longing space.

But, what I'd like to suggest is just be open to the idea that you might actually eventually like living on your own. Sounds like you've been living with some partner since you were 19 years old, that's a long time. I'm a firm believer that everyone should know and be comfortable living on your own. You may find that you truly enjoy it. I did - I thought I'd hate living alone and never imagined not living with a spouse, partner, or roommate - and though it can get quiet at times, I've grown to love it. It also gets me out of the house more than I did when I was living with my ex-husband.

Also, I don't live with my boyfriend of almost three years. We text daily but usually only in the evenings. We see each other on the weekends. It works for us. I don't think you have to live with someone to be in a committed, engaging, and exciting relationship.
posted by canda at 10:18 PM on April 14, 2015 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: Apologies, I forgot to prove that I have a cat. Here's a picture of her in a drawer, and one of her as a 6 week old kitten to make up for the oversight.

And now, some brief threadsitting:

I think that what I meant to phrase the day to day communication question as was more of: How do I decide how much day to day communication would be good for me to adjust to living separately? We'll discuss, but I should know what I want communication-wise.

We have discussed how close/far I'll move to her, and we don't care so long as we're in the same city and not actually living in the same apartment complex. It's a small city, so living on the other side of town wouldn't be a major obstacle to spending time together, and even if we live in different neighborhoods, we'll see each other around town frequently whether we plan it or not.

And could we please just trust me on the statement that this move is a good idea for the relationship? Ideas for self-improvement are fine and welcome, but I won't be doing any self-improvement with the goal of luring my partner back into cohabitation. We want to live separately for now.

Thanks for the responses so far!
posted by cheerwine at 11:32 PM on April 14, 2015 [4 favorites]

Best answer: If you want to continue cooking, how about cooking and freezing for the week's lunches? Or for dinners the remainder of the week. It's tedious to cook a whole recipe for one person but maybe think of it in terms of number of meals. You can make a fabulous stew and freeze it in appropriate-size portions. That way you aren't cooking giant meals just for tonight's meal and you can look forward to having good lunches or coming home after work to a tasty supper already made.

I agree that new digs will help fill in the "she's not here" spaces. When my ex and I split, I moved into a new one-bedroom duplex and it was great to put the damned cheese grater where I wanted it and know that the only dirty dishes around were mine. I'm not saying you are in the same situation but I can see how it would have been weird for me to stay in that house that we shared and he had moved out. I think your feelings are normal, is what I mean to say. And it's only been a week and a half. I know it's hard but give it a little time. It sounds like it was a good decision that you made together. It will get easier!

Good luck!
posted by Beti at 1:01 AM on April 15, 2015

On cooking:

Especially when I'm feeling down, I tend to gravitate to picnic/plowman style eating when I'm cooking for myself. Put together a range of cold salads, pickles/olives, sliced veggies and fruits, nuts, crumbled or shredded cheese, hardboiled eggs, etc that can be mixed and matched easily with boxed greens. And/or buy nice bread and put together fancy sandwiches. Alternately, smoothies are a nice kick to go on, and similarly have a pampering feel.

Batching one-pot meals also works really well for me; I'll typically cook up something like a curry and eat one portion immediately, freeze one, and eat the remainder over the next few days. Really, the nicest thing about cooking just for yourself is that you only have to do it every few days.
posted by veery at 6:13 AM on April 15, 2015

I'm thinking a week and a half is too soon for you to expect to have adjusted to a new mode of living. Be busy, but also be patient with yourself. Don't be so busy that you don't emotionally process the changes your life is going through.

I wonder if you might want to find a counselor to talk to a few times in the coming weeks, because while it sounds like you have adequate social contacts, it might also be helpful to air your feelings with someone who doesn't already have a preconceived notion of your situation, or your girlfriend's role in what's happening.
posted by aught at 6:52 AM on April 15, 2015

Best answer: Nthing that a week and a half is an awfully short time.

I wonder if it wouldn't be a good idea to have a sort of quasi-housewarming party for yourself; you don't have to officially call it that, of course, but maybe have a small gathering at your place to mark the beginning of a new living arrangement for yourself and make it feel more happy and festive rather than solitary and depressing. Just invite over a few people you really like and spend a day or so making the place nice and cooking for them.

(Your cat is seriously adorable, btw.)
posted by holborne at 8:16 AM on April 15, 2015 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Learning to live by yourself definitely has an adjustment period. It is good that you have a move slotted for the near future, because living in the formerly shared space has got to be a lot more fraught--you probably feel a little bit like you've had a breakup, and that's disorienting, since you haven't broken up at all.

I've lived alone a lot, for long stretches, and used to be pretty good at it. Now, though, I'm looking at living solo for 6 months while my partner does a school program two states over, and planning ahead for how to make that less sad and mopey. Here's what I've got so far:

-I'm building up a real good roster of fun, light, conversational podcasts. These are ACES for when you just kind of miss companionable chatter. (Uh...and when there's nobody actually there, there's nobody to judge you if you happen to accidentally start talking back to the podcasts...not that I do that...)
-Since cooking for one is kind of depressing, maybe save cooking for those nights when you and your partner are together? When I live alone I eat a lot of sandwiches and wraps, or make enormous cold pastas and salads to portion out through the week.
-Having people over. Even just a friend or two to split a bottle of wine and hang. Not only does this change the overall energy of your space, it also is motivation to prepare some decent food and clean up.
-Don't spend as much time at home. I know that feeling of coming back to the dark empty apartment, and even when I've been satisfactorily single that can get hard. Frankly, it's a good idea to have a couple of nights a week where maybe you just don't get home until it's almost bedtime.
-Cuddle the SHIT out of that cat, because jesus christ she is a cutie.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 9:10 AM on April 15, 2015 [1 favorite]

Best answer: I love living with my partner, but I super miss living alone, too. living alone is SO nice. Embrace the hell out of it.

Lots of good advice visavis filling up empty spaces and stuff, though that should happen naturally too, so if you don't want to focus on it you shouldn't have to.. just don't mentally reserve the space as hers. Need a place for that ironing board and broom that are tucked up next to the fridge? The luxury of a whole empty closet!

Get some stuff your partner wouldn't like (die hard poster in the bathroom?), or paint colours that wouldn't have been possible before. My boyfriend wouldn't tolerate a yellow kitchen, which is what colour I have painted every kitchen I've ever been allowed to paint. If he moved out, my (currently green) kitchen would be back to a cheery butter yellow in a hot second. I would buy a bunch of tropical plants and then proceed to kill them with neglect (something that is annoying for the person you live with) I would go back to just throwing all my dirty clothes on the floor! I would put a tv in the kitchen and watch trashy shows about mobsters on netflix while cooking.

meat portioned for two is perfect for one person who can bring a lunch to work! smart thinking with your portioning there.

I actually sometimes got a little lonely when I lived alone, so something that I found worked for me was instead of doing bigger grocery shops like you do when you live with a person, I tended to just go wander around in the grocery store, picking up things I felt like eating for dinner. It's a nice little "out with people around" chore, and fills up your night a bit. Then go home and cook. Start listening to some talky podcasts, a few funny people hanging out together and chatting can make loneliness vanish. (I like "my brother, my brother and me" and "jordan jesse go!")

you'll probably just have to embrace the loneliness too though sometimes. It's a bit lonely to live alone, but at least you're not doing some dumb roommate's dishes of crusted on rice from last week. Have a bath. listen to music. Fall asleep on the couch watching tv. Talk out loud to your cat more than is probably healthy.

I think.. go ahead and talk to your partner about mundane things. It's hard to do something like step back from a relationship, but that doesn't mean that it's over or that she doesn't want to be your best friend anymore. You've made this good-for-you decision to move out, but don't let the space get TOO big just because you made space. If you used to text often during work, I'd maintain that, you're going to be missing the at-home chats after.
posted by euphoria066 at 11:05 AM on April 15, 2015

Best answer: I think acknowledging the grief/change might help. This is a big change, and while it sounds 100% right for the two of you, all change can be hard to accept. The move and redecorating some will help. But do something that feels right for you, go basically say 'this is the way it is now. I chose this, and there are cons to this decision. But I can and will deal with it'
posted by Jacen at 12:14 PM on April 15, 2015

You're the one who brought up the (adorable) cat, and it's not like she's a houseplant, soooo...don't be afraid to embrace hanging out with your cat like a Serious Cat Person for a little while. Seriously. Snuggle the cat, brush the cat, cook (vet dietitian approved) snacks for the cat, have conversations with the cat in which you narrate your day to her in a fake German accent. Spend 10 minutes a day clicker-training the cat to sit or give you a high-five on command. Experiment and find some new interactive toys that'll she go nuts over: cats always need more play-exercise!

Hanging out with your cat is not going to greatly improve you as a person, and your ability to do so does depend on your cat's personality, of course; sometimes a cat is just aloof or not inclined to interact. But if the cat enjoys it, bonding with your cat is fun. Pets are basically designed to provide us with nonjudgmental support, interaction, and physical touch so we're not alone, and you already have this pet handy.
posted by nicebookrack at 4:18 PM on April 15, 2015 [1 favorite]