How to stop ruining my career
April 8, 2015 8:26 AM Subscribe
Have bipolar disorder, using all my sick days, and burning through all good will at my office. Is there any way to dig myself out of this hole?
I am really screwing myself over and screwing other over people at work. I started my job (my first "real career" non-internship job) about 9 months ago and it has been up and down. The quality of my work is usually good but I take absences without warning which is major self-sabatoge as well as really unfair to my coworkers, who have to cover for some of my work if I'm out. Basically a cycle of being fine and then every 6-8 weeks happens again for one or two days in a row.
WHY I am doing this when I know it fucks everything up...a combination of high anxiety and being in a really hopeless mood ("I'm already failing and going to get fired/they all hate me already anyway"), obviously mental health related, not that it's any excuse. It almost would be a relief if I get fired because faking it seems so overwhelming, but that would ruin my life too.
I know people including my (let's face it, former) work buddies are pissed/done with me. There's not even a polite "hey, I hope you feel better" when I apologetically ask someone to take care of something for me. My workplace has a major talking shit behind people's backs while saying nothing to their face problem (which means you look crazy if you try to address some issue that hasn't been mentioned to your face, because what issue?). So while it SOUNDS paranoid to say I'm sure they're talking shit behind my back, I'm 99% sure they are in fact doing so based on my knowledge of the office, and it makes me dread going in and facing those people.
And on the one hand, I feel hurt that they would rather talk shit than be concerned about me, but at the same time...they're right, I'm being totally selfish and caring more about the fact that I don't want to go to work than how it affects them in the moment I make those bad decisions.
I wish I could explain to someone what was going on and have them be understanding. I don't know if there's anyone to trust with that. I'm the only unreliable person there.I expect one or both of two things would happen if anyone knew: they would either have it confirmed to them that it's not a "real" illness and I'm just being inconsiderate, or they would think I'm a crazy who's permanently unable to function appropriately.
I'm sure I'm not the only person with a mental illness but I know that doesn't guarantee understanding. When I had a friend in the past in a similar situation, and she even struggled with clinical depression herself, when I tried to explain what was going on she told me she never has that problem (not going to work or other commitments) because she's an adult and does what adults need to do. Needless to say...I do NOT need to hear "tough love" advice like that, I am already telling it to myself constantly much more harshly than any internet stranger could.
I did set up an appointment with my psychiatrist today, and I emailed my supervisor and said that I know missing work is a serious issue and I want to address it correctly even though I don't know exactly what to say about it right now. I have no clue what I SHOULD say to her when the talk I expect she will want to have happens. (Thus far I've been acting like there isn't any issue and she hadn't said anything to me...but I know it has not escaped notice.) Can I guarantee to stop doing this? I wish...I hope so. What if they are way more nice than I fear they will be and ask what I would need to be successful, i.e., any accommodations? I have no clue what even would help me.
So I'm reaching out to Metafilter, because SOMEONE out there has to have been there before, even if I feel like there's no one in real life. If anyone has any advice about any of this--whether stopping myself from doing this shit in the first place, or dealing with the social and professional ramifications of what I have done--I'd appreciate it so much.
I am really screwing myself over and screwing other over people at work. I started my job (my first "real career" non-internship job) about 9 months ago and it has been up and down. The quality of my work is usually good but I take absences without warning which is major self-sabatoge as well as really unfair to my coworkers, who have to cover for some of my work if I'm out. Basically a cycle of being fine and then every 6-8 weeks happens again for one or two days in a row.
WHY I am doing this when I know it fucks everything up...a combination of high anxiety and being in a really hopeless mood ("I'm already failing and going to get fired/they all hate me already anyway"), obviously mental health related, not that it's any excuse. It almost would be a relief if I get fired because faking it seems so overwhelming, but that would ruin my life too.
I know people including my (let's face it, former) work buddies are pissed/done with me. There's not even a polite "hey, I hope you feel better" when I apologetically ask someone to take care of something for me. My workplace has a major talking shit behind people's backs while saying nothing to their face problem (which means you look crazy if you try to address some issue that hasn't been mentioned to your face, because what issue?). So while it SOUNDS paranoid to say I'm sure they're talking shit behind my back, I'm 99% sure they are in fact doing so based on my knowledge of the office, and it makes me dread going in and facing those people.
And on the one hand, I feel hurt that they would rather talk shit than be concerned about me, but at the same time...they're right, I'm being totally selfish and caring more about the fact that I don't want to go to work than how it affects them in the moment I make those bad decisions.
I wish I could explain to someone what was going on and have them be understanding. I don't know if there's anyone to trust with that. I'm the only unreliable person there.I expect one or both of two things would happen if anyone knew: they would either have it confirmed to them that it's not a "real" illness and I'm just being inconsiderate, or they would think I'm a crazy who's permanently unable to function appropriately.
I'm sure I'm not the only person with a mental illness but I know that doesn't guarantee understanding. When I had a friend in the past in a similar situation, and she even struggled with clinical depression herself, when I tried to explain what was going on she told me she never has that problem (not going to work or other commitments) because she's an adult and does what adults need to do. Needless to say...I do NOT need to hear "tough love" advice like that, I am already telling it to myself constantly much more harshly than any internet stranger could.
I did set up an appointment with my psychiatrist today, and I emailed my supervisor and said that I know missing work is a serious issue and I want to address it correctly even though I don't know exactly what to say about it right now. I have no clue what I SHOULD say to her when the talk I expect she will want to have happens. (Thus far I've been acting like there isn't any issue and she hadn't said anything to me...but I know it has not escaped notice.) Can I guarantee to stop doing this? I wish...I hope so. What if they are way more nice than I fear they will be and ask what I would need to be successful, i.e., any accommodations? I have no clue what even would help me.
So I'm reaching out to Metafilter, because SOMEONE out there has to have been there before, even if I feel like there's no one in real life. If anyone has any advice about any of this--whether stopping myself from doing this shit in the first place, or dealing with the social and professional ramifications of what I have done--I'd appreciate it so much.
So, I realize that every office culture is different, but missing a day or two of work every couple of months seems totally normal to me. Is the problem that you're not calling in or just that you're using a sick day? Would you feel equally guilty if the reason for the absences was, say, some type of chronic issue that caused you to get exploding diarrhea and not be able to go into the office once every couple of months or so? Definitely DO make sure you are calling in and letting people know when you take a sick day, but beyond that I don't think this is the huge offense you are making it out to be.
It sounds to me like you've got a legitimate medical issue, you're actively trying to deal with it, and you're doing your best to not let it affect your work. So, I would first let go of some of the guilt and stop calling yourself selfish. (I, for example, with no diagnosed or suspected mental illness, STILL take a mental health day on occasion, because, you know, life can be overwhleming!)
As to how to navigate the meeting with your boss, I agree this is tricky because obviously there is a societal stigma around mental health issues and you can't 100% predict that she will be sympathetic or helpful. I will defer on this to other folks who have specific experience around this. Just -- in the meantime, be kind to yourself and recognize that you're not doing some crazy selfish thing to be living as a person with a mental illness.
posted by rainbowbrite at 8:38 AM on April 8, 2015 [3 favorites]
It sounds to me like you've got a legitimate medical issue, you're actively trying to deal with it, and you're doing your best to not let it affect your work. So, I would first let go of some of the guilt and stop calling yourself selfish. (I, for example, with no diagnosed or suspected mental illness, STILL take a mental health day on occasion, because, you know, life can be overwhleming!)
As to how to navigate the meeting with your boss, I agree this is tricky because obviously there is a societal stigma around mental health issues and you can't 100% predict that she will be sympathetic or helpful. I will defer on this to other folks who have specific experience around this. Just -- in the meantime, be kind to yourself and recognize that you're not doing some crazy selfish thing to be living as a person with a mental illness.
posted by rainbowbrite at 8:38 AM on April 8, 2015 [3 favorites]
Would you feel comfortable telling your boss you have a chronic illness (rather than talking specifically about mental illness) and that it means you occasionally have to take a day or two off? You don't have to do this, but maybe it would help alleviate your guilt a little if you knew someone understood that you have a legitimate reason not to come in.
posted by three_red_balloons at 8:40 AM on April 8, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by three_red_balloons at 8:40 AM on April 8, 2015 [3 favorites]
Your supervisor needs to hear, "I have an ongoing serious health issue that is difficult to address and treat. It may qualify me for ADA accommodation but I am waiting to hear more from my doctor before I pursue that. Please give me X days to get my ducks in a row and I will be able to give you more information then."
Then, when you go see your psychiatrist, ask them if they can certify your disability. If they can, get that in writing to turn in to HR, and discuss reasonable accommodations, which might just be an hour of flex time to see the psychiatrist once a week or even more frequently while you get your head above water.
posted by juniperesque at 8:42 AM on April 8, 2015 [17 favorites]
Then, when you go see your psychiatrist, ask them if they can certify your disability. If they can, get that in writing to turn in to HR, and discuss reasonable accommodations, which might just be an hour of flex time to see the psychiatrist once a week or even more frequently while you get your head above water.
posted by juniperesque at 8:42 AM on April 8, 2015 [17 favorites]
Mental health = health. If your mental health is preventing you from working in some way -- and it sounds like it is -- using sick days is an appropriate way to deal with that.
Staying home sick can't be your only strategy, though. It's great that you have an appointment with your psychiatrist. Is that for med management? If so, great -- get your meds fine-tuned, and give them a chance to work. It sounds like you would also benefit from a therapist's help so that you can a) come up with some strategies for getting your work done and not unnecessarily burdening your coworkers, b) accepting that you're dealing with a health issue, and finding ways to accommodate while also being kind to yourself, and c) finding strategies for dealing with (i.e., either ignoring or confronting) what you feel to be passive-aggressive behavior among your coworkers -- again, about a health issue you're experiencing.
Very best of luck. Be good to yourself.
posted by mudpuppie at 8:43 AM on April 8, 2015 [3 favorites]
Staying home sick can't be your only strategy, though. It's great that you have an appointment with your psychiatrist. Is that for med management? If so, great -- get your meds fine-tuned, and give them a chance to work. It sounds like you would also benefit from a therapist's help so that you can a) come up with some strategies for getting your work done and not unnecessarily burdening your coworkers, b) accepting that you're dealing with a health issue, and finding ways to accommodate while also being kind to yourself, and c) finding strategies for dealing with (i.e., either ignoring or confronting) what you feel to be passive-aggressive behavior among your coworkers -- again, about a health issue you're experiencing.
Very best of luck. Be good to yourself.
posted by mudpuppie at 8:43 AM on April 8, 2015 [3 favorites]
Mental health issues have a stigma, for some reason, but there's absolutely no reason why you have to indicate what your chronic illness is to your employers. If you have reason to be out for your health, you are within your rights to tell them that, and without that knowledge, they might think you're just flaking out on coming to work.
posted by xingcat at 8:47 AM on April 8, 2015
posted by xingcat at 8:47 AM on April 8, 2015
I just want you to know that you could be a model employee, there everyday, do fantastic work.. and they might still talk shit about you. There are some people out there like that; that take joy in talking about people behind their back for even the smallest offense. I use to work with a group of them. Try to keep this in mind.
I am not familiar with your illness, but could it be that it's skewing your perception of the situation? I agree that missing work for two days every 6 or 8 weeks is not a big deal at all. I have coworkers who suffer from migraines who call out sick with no warning that they were going to be out. That's kind of the point of calling in sick, you don't plan to be ill.. it just happens.
Have that psychiatrist write you a note that explains you suffer from a chronic medical condition that impairs your ability to work effectively. Don't have them go into any other details. Give this note to your supervisor. It should go a long way toward disproving any doubts that you're somehow lying about being sick. Plus it's on record.
posted by royalsong at 8:50 AM on April 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
I am not familiar with your illness, but could it be that it's skewing your perception of the situation? I agree that missing work for two days every 6 or 8 weeks is not a big deal at all. I have coworkers who suffer from migraines who call out sick with no warning that they were going to be out. That's kind of the point of calling in sick, you don't plan to be ill.. it just happens.
Have that psychiatrist write you a note that explains you suffer from a chronic medical condition that impairs your ability to work effectively. Don't have them go into any other details. Give this note to your supervisor. It should go a long way toward disproving any doubts that you're somehow lying about being sick. Plus it's on record.
posted by royalsong at 8:50 AM on April 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
Yeah, I'm basically the only person in my office who doesn't take 1-2 days off for some kind of sickness every couple of months, but I certainly don't judge anyone who calls in sick. If they say they need a sick day, I think, "oof, that sucks, hope she/he feels better" and I tell the people who need their feedback to wait a bit longer.
I wouldn't care if I thought their illness was mental/emotional instead of phlegm-based. If you need a day off, you need a day off. If the people in your office are passive-aggressive about people taking sick days, then they suck, but dealing with coworkers being out of the office for two days is pretty basic workplace management stuff, and they can suck it up.
I'm worried about your feeling that you getting fired is inevitable. Why? Because you take a few sick days sometimes and your coworkers act like 2nd graders? Or are there actual performance issues that you are asking for advice about? I'm not sure why you told your boss that you know you need to deal with these issues. If I was your boss, my response would be "...issues? Being sick sometimes? What?"
posted by a fiendish thingy at 8:54 AM on April 8, 2015 [3 favorites]
I wouldn't care if I thought their illness was mental/emotional instead of phlegm-based. If you need a day off, you need a day off. If the people in your office are passive-aggressive about people taking sick days, then they suck, but dealing with coworkers being out of the office for two days is pretty basic workplace management stuff, and they can suck it up.
I'm worried about your feeling that you getting fired is inevitable. Why? Because you take a few sick days sometimes and your coworkers act like 2nd graders? Or are there actual performance issues that you are asking for advice about? I'm not sure why you told your boss that you know you need to deal with these issues. If I was your boss, my response would be "...issues? Being sick sometimes? What?"
posted by a fiendish thingy at 8:54 AM on April 8, 2015 [3 favorites]
I'm not sure what you do for a living, if you can hide out in a cubicle/office or not, or if the depth of your depression precludes this but on the days when you would normally take a sick day could you just make an agreement with yourself to go in to work, do the bare minimum not to get in trouble, then take it easy on yourself the rest of the time (treat yourself to a calortic lunch and a lot of internetz)? Basically be in survival mode for a couple of days but doing enough to stay off the naughty list? This has often been my coping strategy - it's not ideal, but it's better than being absent altogether.
posted by Jess the Mess at 9:01 AM on April 8, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by Jess the Mess at 9:01 AM on April 8, 2015 [4 favorites]
I wish I could explain to someone what was going on and have them be understanding. I don't know if there's anyone to trust with that.
A therapist.
You're going through a big life transition -- any new job is stressful, and starting out in the workforce for the first "real" time even more so -- and big life transitions can really mess up coping mechanisms that might have worked for us before. Therapists can be extremely helpful in identifying coping mechanisms that are working for you now, digging up those that have worked in the past that maybe have dropped off your radar, helping develop new ones to confront brand-new challenges, and weaning you away from negative coping mechanisms that may be undermining your progress. Meeting with a therapist weekly can also help focus your attention on the problems in a manageable way so that they're not a huge nebulous overwhelming cloud of anxiety.
posted by jaguar at 9:09 AM on April 8, 2015 [4 favorites]
A therapist.
You're going through a big life transition -- any new job is stressful, and starting out in the workforce for the first "real" time even more so -- and big life transitions can really mess up coping mechanisms that might have worked for us before. Therapists can be extremely helpful in identifying coping mechanisms that are working for you now, digging up those that have worked in the past that maybe have dropped off your radar, helping develop new ones to confront brand-new challenges, and weaning you away from negative coping mechanisms that may be undermining your progress. Meeting with a therapist weekly can also help focus your attention on the problems in a manageable way so that they're not a huge nebulous overwhelming cloud of anxiety.
posted by jaguar at 9:09 AM on April 8, 2015 [4 favorites]
What strikes me about your question is how much of what worries you seems potentially imaginary.
posted by jon1270 at 9:15 AM on April 8, 2015 [11 favorites]
"I'm already failing and going to get fired/they all hate me already anyway...This sounds like a terrible struggle, and I don't want to imply that it's easy to deal with such anxiety, but maybe practice recognizing the difference between things you have actual evidence of, and things that you're talking yourself into. All this stuff about what other people privately think and feel, have said outside your earshot, and will do in the future -- you don't actually know any of that, and your ability to even make educated guesses about these things is looking pretty darn compromised.
I know people... are pissed/done with me. There's not even a polite "hey, I hope you feel better" when I apologetically ask someone to take care of something for me.
I'm sure they're talking shit behind my back, I'm 99% sure they are in fact doing so based on my knowledge of the office...
...they would rather talk shit than be concerned about me...
...one or both of two things would happen if anyone knew: they would either have it confirmed to them that it's not a "real" illness and I'm just being inconsiderate, or they would think I'm a crazy who's permanently unable to function appropriately.
posted by jon1270 at 9:15 AM on April 8, 2015 [11 favorites]
Not to discourage you, OP, but there are definitely workplaces, where taking a sick day every couple of month would be considered high, it would be considered unusually high in my workplace. So your perception may be off as others have said, or not. Irrespective of what is normal in your workplace however, do talk to your supervisor using the scripts provided and do get whatever healthcare you need and take it from there. People who will talk shit will talk shit no matter what and all you can do is take care of yourself.
posted by koahiatamadl at 9:17 AM on April 8, 2015
posted by koahiatamadl at 9:17 AM on April 8, 2015
If you're in the USA, you may be covered by the ADA. If you're in Canada, employers are legally required to make reasonable accommodations for any illness or disability. Speak to your psychiatrist about this, and if you can't get regular (weekly) sessions wth them see if you can get a therapist. A confidential discussion with HR might also be advisable.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 9:24 AM on April 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 9:24 AM on April 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
How big is your company? Where is it? If you are in the US, bi-polar is covered under the ADA. You should discuss this with your psychiatrist and make a plan for discussing this with HR, or if there is not HR, your supervisor. DO NOT discuss this with co-workers.
posted by DarlingBri at 9:26 AM on April 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by DarlingBri at 9:26 AM on April 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
If you're in the U.S., intermittent FMLA may be an answer. It's some legwork to get set up, but my wife (who has bipolar disorder) had it set up for her last job, and it was probably literally a lifesaver. (Also a lifesaver: getting out of that bad work environment. I will echo other folks who say this sounds like a crappy work environment, if your perceptions aren't off, and it's likely time to start looking. Which is hard when you're in the middle of this cycle.)
Also... I am not a doctor at all, but for what it's worth, you sound just like her when her meds have gotten cocked up again. I'm glad to hear that you already have an appointment with your doc. Get yourself checked out, get a meds check, and make sure you're doing all right medically.
posted by joycehealy at 9:29 AM on April 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
Also... I am not a doctor at all, but for what it's worth, you sound just like her when her meds have gotten cocked up again. I'm glad to hear that you already have an appointment with your doc. Get yourself checked out, get a meds check, and make sure you're doing all right medically.
posted by joycehealy at 9:29 AM on April 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
In my workplace, taking a day off or so per month is nothing strange. In fact, many people take several more per month. I also know women who have such awful periods that they basically have to stay home one day a month, or be in abject suffering.
I can see how this would be a problem in retail or the food industry, or some entry-level office jobs where attendance is super important and everyone is too busy to cover for someone else, but there are lots of office jobs where taking a day off a month is totally OK. Maybe you could start looking for a more relaxed job after you've been in this workplace awhile? Or just accept that this is the way it will be while you get your illness "sorted," (to the extent that it can be), and you'll regroup and find the best path for yourself afterward. Getting an accomodation and such from your psychiatrist/HR is a good step toward that.
I used to have a problem like this and I solved it by going on proper medication. I'm not saying you're being negligent, by any means-- but maybe you should discuss this with your psychiatrist, if your meds aren't doing the trick. (Having a job where the start time is semi-flexible helps a lot, too, since my depression/meds affect my sleep a lot.) If your meds are working the way they should be, all of this becomes much simpler.
(Again, sometimes the struggle with meds is a long one and it doesn't always end perfectly, so not blaming you at all-- but it might be woth looking into.)
posted by easter queen at 9:32 AM on April 8, 2015
I can see how this would be a problem in retail or the food industry, or some entry-level office jobs where attendance is super important and everyone is too busy to cover for someone else, but there are lots of office jobs where taking a day off a month is totally OK. Maybe you could start looking for a more relaxed job after you've been in this workplace awhile? Or just accept that this is the way it will be while you get your illness "sorted," (to the extent that it can be), and you'll regroup and find the best path for yourself afterward. Getting an accomodation and such from your psychiatrist/HR is a good step toward that.
I used to have a problem like this and I solved it by going on proper medication. I'm not saying you're being negligent, by any means-- but maybe you should discuss this with your psychiatrist, if your meds aren't doing the trick. (Having a job where the start time is semi-flexible helps a lot, too, since my depression/meds affect my sleep a lot.) If your meds are working the way they should be, all of this becomes much simpler.
(Again, sometimes the struggle with meds is a long one and it doesn't always end perfectly, so not blaming you at all-- but it might be woth looking into.)
posted by easter queen at 9:32 AM on April 8, 2015
I'd like to nth what's said above, that you've making a lot of assumptions about how much and what people are thinking about you. It's good to want to pull your weight at work and build up sick days, but the way you word all of this is being incredibly tough on yourself. Your wording of the title "How to stop ruining my career" is catastrophizing. Good for you for realizing that something needs to change and talking to professionals to make that happen. If your psychiatrist thinks it would help, I agree that adding/switching therapy to help you build other coping strategies (along with med tweaking!) could be very helpful.
That, and be kind to yourself. You're struggling, and you're taking steps to rectify that.
posted by ldthomps at 10:01 AM on April 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
That, and be kind to yourself. You're struggling, and you're taking steps to rectify that.
posted by ldthomps at 10:01 AM on April 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
Not to discourage you, OP, but there are definitely workplaces, where taking a sick day every couple of month would be considered high, it would be considered unusually high in my workplace.
It's true that workplace norms differ in terms of sick leave policies and norms (in my opinion, in a really fucked up way in the U.S. -- even the healthiest of us can't promise to NEVER have a serious illness or injury, and people with chronic health issues are still capable of and deserving of jobs). That said, none of this would make the OP selfish for having a medical condition requiring that amount of time off. The specific office norms will dictate the types of remedies/accomodations the OP can/should seek and the way she should approach her boss. But just as someone who needs to take a big chunk of time off of work because, say, they're on chemotherapy for a serious cancer is not a selfish asshole who is self-sabotaging their career and screwing over coworkers, neither is this the case for someone with a mental illness.
posted by rainbowbrite at 10:07 AM on April 8, 2015 [3 favorites]
It's true that workplace norms differ in terms of sick leave policies and norms (in my opinion, in a really fucked up way in the U.S. -- even the healthiest of us can't promise to NEVER have a serious illness or injury, and people with chronic health issues are still capable of and deserving of jobs). That said, none of this would make the OP selfish for having a medical condition requiring that amount of time off. The specific office norms will dictate the types of remedies/accomodations the OP can/should seek and the way she should approach her boss. But just as someone who needs to take a big chunk of time off of work because, say, they're on chemotherapy for a serious cancer is not a selfish asshole who is self-sabotaging their career and screwing over coworkers, neither is this the case for someone with a mental illness.
posted by rainbowbrite at 10:07 AM on April 8, 2015 [3 favorites]
I have coworkers who miss all kinds of time at work because their kids are sick (far more often than you!), but they work hard. And I have other coworkers who show up but don't do much. Guess which ones I like working with better?
I feel for you, reading that stream of anxiety. But I suspect that getting fired is probably nowhere near likely. Let's think it through. How would that happen in a typical workplace? First, your boss would talk to you. They would outline the kinds of changes they need. You would have time to make those changes or work on accommodations (your psychiatrist could help with that). Then you would keep checking in with your boss, because you're the kind of person who wants to do well and be a supportive colleague. There are all kinds of steps between this and getting fired, because it is a pain in the butt to fire someone and find and hire and train someone else.
You are taking the right steps by checking in with your doctor. I know it's super uncomfortable right now, but you can do this. You're on the right track. Speak kindly to yourself.
posted by heatherann at 10:32 AM on April 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
I feel for you, reading that stream of anxiety. But I suspect that getting fired is probably nowhere near likely. Let's think it through. How would that happen in a typical workplace? First, your boss would talk to you. They would outline the kinds of changes they need. You would have time to make those changes or work on accommodations (your psychiatrist could help with that). Then you would keep checking in with your boss, because you're the kind of person who wants to do well and be a supportive colleague. There are all kinds of steps between this and getting fired, because it is a pain in the butt to fire someone and find and hire and train someone else.
You are taking the right steps by checking in with your doctor. I know it's super uncomfortable right now, but you can do this. You're on the right track. Speak kindly to yourself.
posted by heatherann at 10:32 AM on April 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
I thought it might help to outline a strategy (one I learned from MetaFilter!) for learning to be nicer to yourself -- try listing the pros and cons of the harsher ways you're treating yourself.
When I was suffering from anxiety, that analysis looked like this. "What's my actual goal here? To finish this report (that I'm super super worried about). Okay, talking to myself harshly: how is it helping me in that goal? how is it hurting me in that goal? ....[I listed the pros and cons]. Okay, waking up in the middle of the night and not going back to sleep: how is it helping me in that goal? how is it hurting?" I learned that the anxiety was trying to help -- it didn't want me to be fired. It also was necessary, because I typically slacked off until it kicked in, so it was a necessary activation energy to get myself moving and focused. These positive functions were helpful to acknowledge. It made me feel better (vs. "why am I so anxious? I'm really a messed up person!"), and it gave me a sense of what I needed to do (find another way to get focused) to work the anxiety out of its job.
By analyzing the cons, I also realized that by and large, the anxiety was getting in the way. I often became too sleepy, or too freaked out, to just do the work. I realized that what was most helpful for the project was to relax and stay calm. Calmness helped me stay focused. That analysis allowed me to feel like I was doing the right, useful thing by being kind to myself, and by relaxing and going back to sleep at night. I could see how counterproductive the current system was and how relaxing and consistently focusing would be a much better system. So, you might want to make a list of pros and cons of your beliefs or behaviors and see if that helps you find a better path. I'm curious what you'll find, but I believe that forgiving yourself when you do stay home is going to be a part of getting back on your feet.
Even doing this pro/con analysis will cause you to shift out of the heavily emotional and fight/flight parts of your brain and activate the thoughtful, problem-solving parts of your brain. That has its own benefits.
Last, I wouldn't reveal too much at work right now. Give yourself the space to figure this out with a therapist; don't have the conversation with your boss. They don't need or even want to know exactly what's going on. (And don't make them a player in your inner drama; don't imagine them firing you -- what they want is to help you do your job. Imagine them wanting you to succeed.) Then at most, let them know what others suggested, that you have a chronic health problem and that starting this job has been a wake up call about how much it interferes with daily life, and that you're working quickly to get the medical help you need.
posted by salvia at 11:29 AM on April 8, 2015 [3 favorites]
When I was suffering from anxiety, that analysis looked like this. "What's my actual goal here? To finish this report (that I'm super super worried about). Okay, talking to myself harshly: how is it helping me in that goal? how is it hurting me in that goal? ....[I listed the pros and cons]. Okay, waking up in the middle of the night and not going back to sleep: how is it helping me in that goal? how is it hurting?" I learned that the anxiety was trying to help -- it didn't want me to be fired. It also was necessary, because I typically slacked off until it kicked in, so it was a necessary activation energy to get myself moving and focused. These positive functions were helpful to acknowledge. It made me feel better (vs. "why am I so anxious? I'm really a messed up person!"), and it gave me a sense of what I needed to do (find another way to get focused) to work the anxiety out of its job.
By analyzing the cons, I also realized that by and large, the anxiety was getting in the way. I often became too sleepy, or too freaked out, to just do the work. I realized that what was most helpful for the project was to relax and stay calm. Calmness helped me stay focused. That analysis allowed me to feel like I was doing the right, useful thing by being kind to myself, and by relaxing and going back to sleep at night. I could see how counterproductive the current system was and how relaxing and consistently focusing would be a much better system. So, you might want to make a list of pros and cons of your beliefs or behaviors and see if that helps you find a better path. I'm curious what you'll find, but I believe that forgiving yourself when you do stay home is going to be a part of getting back on your feet.
Even doing this pro/con analysis will cause you to shift out of the heavily emotional and fight/flight parts of your brain and activate the thoughtful, problem-solving parts of your brain. That has its own benefits.
Last, I wouldn't reveal too much at work right now. Give yourself the space to figure this out with a therapist; don't have the conversation with your boss. They don't need or even want to know exactly what's going on. (And don't make them a player in your inner drama; don't imagine them firing you -- what they want is to help you do your job. Imagine them wanting you to succeed.) Then at most, let them know what others suggested, that you have a chronic health problem and that starting this job has been a wake up call about how much it interferes with daily life, and that you're working quickly to get the medical help you need.
posted by salvia at 11:29 AM on April 8, 2015 [3 favorites]
I agree with salvia that you should probably wait to tell your employer. Your brain is being wacky right now and I know for me it was really, really important for me to make sure my employer knew that no really, this is not me, I'm smart and capable, I just have this thing that's keeping me from being smart and capable. I didn't tell them at that time, and I'm glad for that.
I cycled at about 6-8 weeks chunks too before I finally found the med/dose that works for me (Lamictal), and I would go from incredibly impulsive and oversharing to soul-crushing depression and buckets of shame and then picked up again. Are you young-ish? Mid-20's? That's when I was diagnosed, and my doctor said that's about the time that bipolar usually settles in, and it can be a rough landing.
BUT if you do want to talk about your illness go to HR first, don't go to your supervisor first. Get it on record that you have an illness; it sounds like it certainly qualifies as a protected disability (if you are in the US) but of course IANY/AL. At that point HR will ask you for documentation and your psychiatrist can provide that and then your employer will engage with you in an interactive process to determine what kind of accommodations would best help you. It might be working from home, an early or late start schedule - those kinds of things.
Again, if you are in the US, you will not qualify for FMLA until you have worked there for a full year, however your employer is free to grant you medical leave outside of the protections of FMLA if they want to.
If you lose your job, it probably won't ruin your career. It is so easy for me to fall into that frame of mind when I don't feel like I'm performing well to begin with, but a mental illness can make that black and white thinking so much worse in my experience. Not least of all, it's tempting to perceive things as more catastrophic than they are. People lose jobs; it's a thing humans do a lot. When I begin to get those kinds of fears I remind myself that I know more than a handful of people who have lost jobs due to poor performance, some because of mental illness, and every one of them is doing okay these days.
That really sucks about your coworkers and the gossip, but it sounds like they're equal-opportunity smacktalkers. It's not about you so much as their own amusement. That doesn't make it better, but it also means that what they're saying is not a reflection on you or your worth. I'm sorry that you have to put up with that on top of all of your other workplace anxiety.
And you might be, I don't know, but make sure you're eating (decent food) regularly and, if you can, getting a good amount of sleep. I'm still surprised at how quickly I go from sane to bananas if I slack on the self-care for more than a day or two.
posted by good lorneing at 11:46 AM on April 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
I cycled at about 6-8 weeks chunks too before I finally found the med/dose that works for me (Lamictal), and I would go from incredibly impulsive and oversharing to soul-crushing depression and buckets of shame and then picked up again. Are you young-ish? Mid-20's? That's when I was diagnosed, and my doctor said that's about the time that bipolar usually settles in, and it can be a rough landing.
BUT if you do want to talk about your illness go to HR first, don't go to your supervisor first. Get it on record that you have an illness; it sounds like it certainly qualifies as a protected disability (if you are in the US) but of course IANY/AL. At that point HR will ask you for documentation and your psychiatrist can provide that and then your employer will engage with you in an interactive process to determine what kind of accommodations would best help you. It might be working from home, an early or late start schedule - those kinds of things.
Again, if you are in the US, you will not qualify for FMLA until you have worked there for a full year, however your employer is free to grant you medical leave outside of the protections of FMLA if they want to.
If you lose your job, it probably won't ruin your career. It is so easy for me to fall into that frame of mind when I don't feel like I'm performing well to begin with, but a mental illness can make that black and white thinking so much worse in my experience. Not least of all, it's tempting to perceive things as more catastrophic than they are. People lose jobs; it's a thing humans do a lot. When I begin to get those kinds of fears I remind myself that I know more than a handful of people who have lost jobs due to poor performance, some because of mental illness, and every one of them is doing okay these days.
That really sucks about your coworkers and the gossip, but it sounds like they're equal-opportunity smacktalkers. It's not about you so much as their own amusement. That doesn't make it better, but it also means that what they're saying is not a reflection on you or your worth. I'm sorry that you have to put up with that on top of all of your other workplace anxiety.
And you might be, I don't know, but make sure you're eating (decent food) regularly and, if you can, getting a good amount of sleep. I'm still surprised at how quickly I go from sane to bananas if I slack on the self-care for more than a day or two.
posted by good lorneing at 11:46 AM on April 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
good lorneing makes a really good point re: your perception vs. others'. I'm also bipolar, and have gone through periods of being totally, utterly convinced that I'm doing a terrible job at my job and everyone can tell and it's only a matter of time until they yell at me and/or fire me for it. The last time this happened, I got the best performance review of my career in the same month. The only person who thought I was fucking up was me. It's possibly that no one has noticed/formed an opinion about/cares about the fact that you're sometimes off sick.
You've had lots of good advice here about what you can/can't know, what you can/can't control at the moment, and how much of what you actually can/can't know and control maps to what you believe you can/can't know/control.
The only other advice I'd add is that, if it's feasible, it might be worth taking a longer chunk of time off (especially if med changes are coming your way) to try and restabilise and start over. A day or two every month or so sounds like it's just enough to keep you running but never enough in one go to be refreshing or healing. If there's a way you can do it, a couple of weeks now while you're seeking treatment and motivated to get your shit together might mean that, in the long run, you end up taking fewer days here and there.
I had two weeks of leave last year for similar reasons, plus reduced hours for a few weeks when I returned, and it was the difference between "I don't have any skin on my body why does everything burn me" levels of being unable to deal in the workplace and "this skin sure is thin but I think I can handle answering some emails and sorting the mail today as long as no one talks to me too much".
The consensus that your colleagues sound like haters who are gonna hate no matter what anyone does is a reasonable bet - so if this or any other option that's going to help you triggers feelings of "oh no but everyone is going to trash talk me", that's not a good reason not to do what's best for you anyway, because fuck those guys.
Good luck - this sucks, and I hope you get some good help.
posted by terretu at 12:05 PM on April 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
You've had lots of good advice here about what you can/can't know, what you can/can't control at the moment, and how much of what you actually can/can't know and control maps to what you believe you can/can't know/control.
The only other advice I'd add is that, if it's feasible, it might be worth taking a longer chunk of time off (especially if med changes are coming your way) to try and restabilise and start over. A day or two every month or so sounds like it's just enough to keep you running but never enough in one go to be refreshing or healing. If there's a way you can do it, a couple of weeks now while you're seeking treatment and motivated to get your shit together might mean that, in the long run, you end up taking fewer days here and there.
I had two weeks of leave last year for similar reasons, plus reduced hours for a few weeks when I returned, and it was the difference between "I don't have any skin on my body why does everything burn me" levels of being unable to deal in the workplace and "this skin sure is thin but I think I can handle answering some emails and sorting the mail today as long as no one talks to me too much".
The consensus that your colleagues sound like haters who are gonna hate no matter what anyone does is a reasonable bet - so if this or any other option that's going to help you triggers feelings of "oh no but everyone is going to trash talk me", that's not a good reason not to do what's best for you anyway, because fuck those guys.
Good luck - this sucks, and I hope you get some good help.
posted by terretu at 12:05 PM on April 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
Mod note: From the OP:
I want to thank everyone for their empathetic responses.posted by restless_nomad (staff) at 4:17 PM on April 8, 2015
After going back to work today, it was pretty clear that I am catastrophizing. I was nervous but no one was openly hostile or anything. My boss didn't say anything about setting up a meeting...maybe it is going to happen, maybe not, but she just said "hi, how are you" when I saw her this morning like nothing happened. Maybe I don't "know" all the things I am so sure I know when I feel like shit.
It IS in fact a big deal in my workplace to be out as often as I am because I'm an attorney who is in court almost every day, as are my teammates. If I'm not there, some things can just wait, but someone or multiple people have to end up covering my cases. When I'm there, I do my best to be helpful to other people when they need it, but it feels like I'm doing less than my fair share.
My colleagues are shit talkers but if I'm looking at it with a clear head, it's definitely not a horrible environment, most of the time I really enjoy them and feel lucky to be there. (There are many things to talk about other than sniping about each other.)
People mentioned accommodations--which maybe I do need--does anyone who's been there have an idea of WHAT might be helpful in this situation? Maybe just making sure I have more regular doctor's appointments so I don't just wait until there's a problem? I definitely don't see it being a problem if I leave early for a doctor's appointment regularly.
does anyone who's been there have an idea of WHAT might be helpful in this situation?
Regular--as in once a week--appointments with a therapist coupled with regular oversight by your psychiatrist and whoever else is in your prescribing/treatment team. As jaguar said.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 4:22 PM on April 8, 2015
Regular--as in once a week--appointments with a therapist coupled with regular oversight by your psychiatrist and whoever else is in your prescribing/treatment team. As jaguar said.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 4:22 PM on April 8, 2015
I'm sorry to hear that you've been having a hard time. I've recently started my own journey to deal with similar issues - after five years in my current position, I have almost no leave built up because I keep using it on days I just can't face going into work.
What has worked the best for me has been a combination of things. I've had weekly therapist visits over the last couple months with a CBT-based talk therapist who has been amazing. I had a friend refer me to her because it was too much to choose someone. There've been threads on AskMe before asking for recommendations for therapists in specific areas, if you don't have someone local to ask. I have also begun seeing a psychiatrist.
I also switched to a more flexible work schedule, which may not be an option for you. I build up some flex hours which I can then use in lieu of regular sick/annual leave. My work also allows occasional telecommuting, which I have taken used especially on days where I can't face going in but I can do work at home (with puppy coworkers!). This may not be an option for you.
At 9 months in, you still have time to make a great reputation for yourself. It takes some time to find your feet and acclimate to the culture, and most people understand that. It sounds like you've realized that you're projecting your own fears into the supposed thoughts and mouths of others. That just turns them into a stick to beat yourself with, which just makes everything you feel worse.
Check out Hyperbolic Discounting (aka present bias) - when you feel badly, you'll tend to feel like it's always that way. Knowing about present bias has helped me ride out some periods when I'm particularly down.
posted by bookdragoness at 5:10 PM on April 8, 2015
What has worked the best for me has been a combination of things. I've had weekly therapist visits over the last couple months with a CBT-based talk therapist who has been amazing. I had a friend refer me to her because it was too much to choose someone. There've been threads on AskMe before asking for recommendations for therapists in specific areas, if you don't have someone local to ask. I have also begun seeing a psychiatrist.
I also switched to a more flexible work schedule, which may not be an option for you. I build up some flex hours which I can then use in lieu of regular sick/annual leave. My work also allows occasional telecommuting, which I have taken used especially on days where I can't face going in but I can do work at home (with puppy coworkers!). This may not be an option for you.
At 9 months in, you still have time to make a great reputation for yourself. It takes some time to find your feet and acclimate to the culture, and most people understand that. It sounds like you've realized that you're projecting your own fears into the supposed thoughts and mouths of others. That just turns them into a stick to beat yourself with, which just makes everything you feel worse.
Check out Hyperbolic Discounting (aka present bias) - when you feel badly, you'll tend to feel like it's always that way. Knowing about present bias has helped me ride out some periods when I'm particularly down.
posted by bookdragoness at 5:10 PM on April 8, 2015
People mentioned accommodations--which maybe I do need--does anyone who's been there have an idea of WHAT might be helpful in this situation?
I would suggest starting with a weekly therapy appointment (either with your psychiatrist -- but not a med-management appointment, a therapy appointment -- or with a separate therapist, which is the usual thing). If, as you say, going to a regular appointment is fine, then you can work with your therapist to identify what else you might need.
posted by jaguar at 7:16 PM on April 8, 2015
I would suggest starting with a weekly therapy appointment (either with your psychiatrist -- but not a med-management appointment, a therapy appointment -- or with a separate therapist, which is the usual thing). If, as you say, going to a regular appointment is fine, then you can work with your therapist to identify what else you might need.
posted by jaguar at 7:16 PM on April 8, 2015
does anyone who's been there have an idea of WHAT might be helpful in this situation?
Here's a list of suggested workplace accommodations for bipolar if you want some ideas.
You may want to suggest an arrangement where you can work from home for the day or two before you get to the point of needing to call in sick - so, when you feel yourself building up to the distorted thinking. If your poor performance at work when you're cycling is in part a consequence of thinking that your boss wants to fire you and everyone is talking about you, removing yourself from under that microscope could allow you to still be productive, bypass the meltdown and not call in sick, and still make court appearances if you can.
Next, I would suggest looking up the lawyer assistance program where you are. I belong to my local one, and it's kinda hokey generally but the ADHD support group is helpful. Your local program has experience helping people in your situation or similar situations and will have some practical suggestions for you. Most have 800-numbers and BOY do they value confidentiality.
posted by good lorneing at 7:18 PM on April 8, 2015
Here's a list of suggested workplace accommodations for bipolar if you want some ideas.
You may want to suggest an arrangement where you can work from home for the day or two before you get to the point of needing to call in sick - so, when you feel yourself building up to the distorted thinking. If your poor performance at work when you're cycling is in part a consequence of thinking that your boss wants to fire you and everyone is talking about you, removing yourself from under that microscope could allow you to still be productive, bypass the meltdown and not call in sick, and still make court appearances if you can.
Next, I would suggest looking up the lawyer assistance program where you are. I belong to my local one, and it's kinda hokey generally but the ADHD support group is helpful. Your local program has experience helping people in your situation or similar situations and will have some practical suggestions for you. Most have 800-numbers and BOY do they value confidentiality.
posted by good lorneing at 7:18 PM on April 8, 2015
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by tchemgrrl at 8:35 AM on April 8, 2015 [17 favorites]