How can I best prepare my red-headed daughter?
March 30, 2015 12:18 PM Subscribe
My daughter (almost 3 years old) has curly red hair. People constantly make a big deal about it. Is this kind of constant attention and fawning over this part of her something we should be concerned about? I am curious if any other people with red and curly hair can comment on the attention they receive, cumulative effects, and what perhaps any things we as parents can do or look out for?
I await her inevitable goth/punk phase in high school where she dies it black and/or shaves it off.
I await her inevitable goth/punk phase in high school where she dies it black and/or shaves it off.
Speaking as someone who has had lifelong curly hair, and got tons of attention for it as a child, when I also had lots of natural red highlights, I wouldn't worry. Pretty hair, particularly in the super soft baby stage, and on a young child, is always going to get noticed, as is red hair, the rarest color. Just say thanks. As long as you aren't weird about it, I see no reason she'll have to go goth later.
posted by bearwife at 12:23 PM on March 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by bearwife at 12:23 PM on March 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
I am also a red-headed/curly-haired person, and I agree that it's best to just teach her to say "Thank you!" and move on. Most of the comments I get are from older/elderly women, and I find it kind of sweet. Honestly, of all the things to stick out for, this is a reasonably okay one, and I think it's actually a bonus that if she decides she really can't stand the extra attention as a teenager/adult, there's the very easy option of dying her hair a different color -- much easier than if people are constantly commenting on your height or weight, for example!
As a parent, I would honestly just not make a big deal of it, and in doing so cue her that she doesn't need to take it seriously/make a huge deal either. Obviously if there comes a point where she is being teased in a negative way (I never was, but you never know), take these concerns as seriously as you would any bullying issue, which honestly can happen for a million reasons, with hair color probably being more of an excuse than a cause.
posted by rainbowbrite at 12:29 PM on March 30, 2015 [6 favorites]
As a parent, I would honestly just not make a big deal of it, and in doing so cue her that she doesn't need to take it seriously/make a huge deal either. Obviously if there comes a point where she is being teased in a negative way (I never was, but you never know), take these concerns as seriously as you would any bullying issue, which honestly can happen for a million reasons, with hair color probably being more of an excuse than a cause.
posted by rainbowbrite at 12:29 PM on March 30, 2015 [6 favorites]
Best answer: My hair isn't red or curly, but I have a whole fucking lot of the hair I do have (here's a picture of me around 15 months old, already several haircuts deep in my life). I started getting comments about my hair the day I was born. My parents tell me stories of being accosted in supermarkets, restaurants, etc by people wanting to compliment and touch my hair. It finally dropped off when I was about 9-10 years old and was allowed to cut it short finally.
To me, these people were amusing at best, mostly annoying, occasionally scary. I would suggest prepping your daughter with some version of: "You have beautiful hair and people like to compliment it. Sometimes those people might get too close into your personal space. It's polite to say thank you when people give you a compliment. It's also ok to ask people to please not touch you if they get too close."
So, basically, explain that she'll get extra attention because her hair is pretty, but also give her some agency.
posted by phunniemee at 12:29 PM on March 30, 2015 [33 favorites]
To me, these people were amusing at best, mostly annoying, occasionally scary. I would suggest prepping your daughter with some version of: "You have beautiful hair and people like to compliment it. Sometimes those people might get too close into your personal space. It's polite to say thank you when people give you a compliment. It's also ok to ask people to please not touch you if they get too close."
So, basically, explain that she'll get extra attention because her hair is pretty, but also give her some agency.
posted by phunniemee at 12:29 PM on March 30, 2015 [33 favorites]
Well, I think this is just something all parents should do, regardless of the child's hair color...let them know it's okay to have boundaries and that it's okay to speak up to enforce them, no matter who the other person is. Body autonomy is a great lesson.
And prepare her for the bullshit trope that is the "Gingers have no soul" thing. Maybe not now, but sometime.
posted by inturnaround at 12:33 PM on March 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
And prepare her for the bullshit trope that is the "Gingers have no soul" thing. Maybe not now, but sometime.
posted by inturnaround at 12:33 PM on March 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks everyone, great responses. I know it seems like a bit of a silly question to ask, but I have no experience with this kind of fawning.
Much appreciated, mefi!
posted by Theta States at 12:39 PM on March 30, 2015
Much appreciated, mefi!
posted by Theta States at 12:39 PM on March 30, 2015
My soon-to-be 23 yr old son has beautiful red hair--just a touch toward the auburn end of the scale. Although he didn't appreciate the attention when he was a preschooler, he made his peace with the situation in grade school.
For a year or so during junior high, he wore his hair very long, i.e., past shoulder length. When he tired of that style, he went in for a buzz cut and donated his hair to Locks of Love. I've always hoped it helped some redheaded child retain a little part of his/her identity while going through chemo.
posted by she's not there at 12:52 PM on March 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
For a year or so during junior high, he wore his hair very long, i.e., past shoulder length. When he tired of that style, he went in for a buzz cut and donated his hair to Locks of Love. I've always hoped it helped some redheaded child retain a little part of his/her identity while going through chemo.
posted by she's not there at 12:52 PM on March 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Yes, people will forever make kind but sometimes annoying comments, rude and uninformed comments, and invade her physical space. Be also prepared for envious comments from older women, and extra unwanted sexual attention from men (redheads are a specific fetish). People treat children differently than they treat adults, but it's going to attract attention throughout her life and sometimes it will be nice and sometimes it won't.
Fortunately, the skills she will need for this are the same ones she needs for having any kind of healthy relationships and will serve her well with classmates, love interests, people on the street, and everyone else. This is an excellent opportunity to practice good boundaries and direct communication.
Most of the comments I get are from older/elderly women, and I find it kind of sweet.
These are the worst, IMO, the comments that are simultaneously patronizing and laced with jealousy and spite. So, you, see, experiences may vary.
posted by epanalepsis at 1:01 PM on March 30, 2015 [5 favorites]
Fortunately, the skills she will need for this are the same ones she needs for having any kind of healthy relationships and will serve her well with classmates, love interests, people on the street, and everyone else. This is an excellent opportunity to practice good boundaries and direct communication.
Most of the comments I get are from older/elderly women, and I find it kind of sweet.
These are the worst, IMO, the comments that are simultaneously patronizing and laced with jealousy and spite. So, you, see, experiences may vary.
posted by epanalepsis at 1:01 PM on March 30, 2015 [5 favorites]
My now-23-year-old daughter was the most difficult child we had. The constant attention to her hair by strangers totally pissed her off, from the time she could barely walk and talk. Our struggle to teach her to respond politely went on for years. Her glare at sweet elderly ladies in the supermarket who dared to comment, much less touch, was something to behold. So I would agree that you just need to teach her to gracefully accept the attention. But that's not as easy as it sounds.
posted by raisingsand at 1:06 PM on March 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by raisingsand at 1:06 PM on March 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
I have thick, red hair, and have received comments about it since babyhood. I've never disliked my hair, but the comments did sometimes make me feel self-conscious or uncomfortable. I'm also over 6 feet tall, and I do think the incessant commenting about my appearance is a little rude, even if the intention is kind. Women and girls are constantly subject to evaluation of their appearance by strangers, and having striking characteristics intensifies it. I think that's worth discussing when your daughter is older.
posted by i_am_a_fiesta at 1:07 PM on March 30, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by i_am_a_fiesta at 1:07 PM on March 30, 2015 [5 favorites]
I have curly hair and it was extremely blonde when I was little. I strongly suspect that I had a lot of weird expectations put on me about how I should play to the crowd and wasn't it wonderful that I was getting all this attention and so on. I still tend to get high amounts of attention. It took me ages to separate out what kinds of attention were appropriate and healthy and how to engage to a degree and in a manner that worked for me.
Because of that history, when my oldest son was an adorable, highly charismatic tot, I made sure to not give him any weird messages about how being cute or social or adored or whatever was somehow important. So, when he began going to public school and did not like the way people there interacted with him, he had zero problem giving people the cold shoulder and the dead stare and refusing to engage. Thus, he has a lot less baggage about other people's weird reactions to his looks and what not than I have. (And now that he is an adult, he has straight blond hair and a curly red beard -- go figure.)
So just make sure you aren't teaching your child that this is all upside and she should be okay. Make sure it is okay if she doesn't really want the attention -- make sure she feels comfortable expressing how she feels about it and make sure she understands that it is a two-edged sword and don't make her feel like she should be "grateful" or "glad" or something if she isn't feeling those things. It should be okay to feel those things. It should also be okay to feel like "Oh, buzz off!" (though, in truth, just refusing to engage is far more effective in getting people to leave you alone than actually telling them to buzz off.)
posted by Michele in California at 1:09 PM on March 30, 2015 [6 favorites]
Because of that history, when my oldest son was an adorable, highly charismatic tot, I made sure to not give him any weird messages about how being cute or social or adored or whatever was somehow important. So, when he began going to public school and did not like the way people there interacted with him, he had zero problem giving people the cold shoulder and the dead stare and refusing to engage. Thus, he has a lot less baggage about other people's weird reactions to his looks and what not than I have. (And now that he is an adult, he has straight blond hair and a curly red beard -- go figure.)
So just make sure you aren't teaching your child that this is all upside and she should be okay. Make sure it is okay if she doesn't really want the attention -- make sure she feels comfortable expressing how she feels about it and make sure she understands that it is a two-edged sword and don't make her feel like she should be "grateful" or "glad" or something if she isn't feeling those things. It should be okay to feel those things. It should also be okay to feel like "Oh, buzz off!" (though, in truth, just refusing to engage is far more effective in getting people to leave you alone than actually telling them to buzz off.)
posted by Michele in California at 1:09 PM on March 30, 2015 [6 favorites]
Yeah, I have not-red curly hair. As a kid, people always complimented it and I mostly thought it was a pain in the ass (I would have paid GOOD MONEY to have straight hair I could just BRUSH like my friends); as an adult I think it is pretty and I am happy that I never have to do much to it and it just looks nice. But that brings me to the most important part: If her hair stays curly, find someone who can curly hair (like a place where people are Deva-trained) and get good cuts. That's what really matters through the awkward years.
posted by dame at 1:09 PM on March 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by dame at 1:09 PM on March 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
I was a very blonde child and I guess I got a lot of attention for it. One of my preschool friends remembers that at our very first meeting I told her, "you'd be pretty if you were blonde!" So, don't let her get a big head like me! I think talking a lot about everyone's varied good qualities might help.
posted by chaiminda at 1:14 PM on March 30, 2015
posted by chaiminda at 1:14 PM on March 30, 2015
Best answer: Thick curly red haired/ auburn person here!
Your daughter will get asked, sometimes even by hair dressers, if she dyes her hair/if it's her natural color. This will happen from a startlingly young age-- like, elementary school.* This may or may not make her feel uncomfortable, especially if she is, like me, someone who doesn't think of themselves as someone who would dye their hair. I mostly just found it odd, and generally wasn't too upset by it. Also, if neither you nor her other parent has red hair, and she's with you, she'll get asked where she gets it from. Again, this may or may not make her (or you!) feel uncomfortable.
A nice polite, "Nope, that's my natural color!" and "It's recessive-- I have a couple of cousins who also have red hair" were/are usually my responses to those two.
When I wore it reallly short, I got compared to Little Orphan Annie; I'm not sure how much that's still a thing, especially with the remake having an African American lead.
Dittoing all of the "take her to a hair dresser who knows what they're doing with curly hair"; it took me until college to find one. Don't shampoo it too much; avoid brushing it or combing it while not wet!
And, lastly, there's also some weird stuff about red heads and pain sensitivity and reactions to anesthesia; see here . I've found the "needs more anesthesia" to be accurate in my case (I always need extra Novocain shots at the dentist), so that's something to watch out for.
*As someone with pale skin and bright red lips, I also got asked if I was wearing lipstick, constantly, again, from a very young age. This was always stranger/more disconcerting than the hair dying questions.
posted by damayanti at 1:28 PM on March 30, 2015 [7 favorites]
Your daughter will get asked, sometimes even by hair dressers, if she dyes her hair/if it's her natural color. This will happen from a startlingly young age-- like, elementary school.* This may or may not make her feel uncomfortable, especially if she is, like me, someone who doesn't think of themselves as someone who would dye their hair. I mostly just found it odd, and generally wasn't too upset by it. Also, if neither you nor her other parent has red hair, and she's with you, she'll get asked where she gets it from. Again, this may or may not make her (or you!) feel uncomfortable.
A nice polite, "Nope, that's my natural color!" and "It's recessive-- I have a couple of cousins who also have red hair" were/are usually my responses to those two.
When I wore it reallly short, I got compared to Little Orphan Annie; I'm not sure how much that's still a thing, especially with the remake having an African American lead.
Dittoing all of the "take her to a hair dresser who knows what they're doing with curly hair"; it took me until college to find one. Don't shampoo it too much; avoid brushing it or combing it while not wet!
And, lastly, there's also some weird stuff about red heads and pain sensitivity and reactions to anesthesia; see here . I've found the "needs more anesthesia" to be accurate in my case (I always need extra Novocain shots at the dentist), so that's something to watch out for.
*As someone with pale skin and bright red lips, I also got asked if I was wearing lipstick, constantly, again, from a very young age. This was always stranger/more disconcerting than the hair dying questions.
posted by damayanti at 1:28 PM on March 30, 2015 [7 favorites]
I have a lot of red headed people in my family, and most of them just roll with it. They either come up with their own responses (some snarky) or they just thank people and move on.
However, I had a ridiculously good looking friend once with an even more ridiculously good looking daughter who got comments constantly. She really did look like a little porcelain doll, and it was something you couldn't help but notice. So when her daughter was little, my friend would politely thank the person pointing out the obvious, and then tell them something cool that her daughter could do, to balance out all the talk about what she looked like. "Oh, thank you! She's also an extremely talented rapper," or "She rescued an injured grasshopper today!" or whatever.
It's kind of inevitable that it's something people are going to bring up throughout her life. Now that I think about it, the reddest of the red haired people I know tend to identify pretty strongly as 'redheads,' probably just because it colors (heh!) others perceptions of them so frequently. As parents, you can't really do much about that, but you can counter it by not making a big deal out of it yourselves, and by emphasizing and encouraging her skills and talents and other qualities that don't have anything to do with her appearance.
posted by ernielundquist at 1:40 PM on March 30, 2015 [5 favorites]
However, I had a ridiculously good looking friend once with an even more ridiculously good looking daughter who got comments constantly. She really did look like a little porcelain doll, and it was something you couldn't help but notice. So when her daughter was little, my friend would politely thank the person pointing out the obvious, and then tell them something cool that her daughter could do, to balance out all the talk about what she looked like. "Oh, thank you! She's also an extremely talented rapper," or "She rescued an injured grasshopper today!" or whatever.
It's kind of inevitable that it's something people are going to bring up throughout her life. Now that I think about it, the reddest of the red haired people I know tend to identify pretty strongly as 'redheads,' probably just because it colors (heh!) others perceptions of them so frequently. As parents, you can't really do much about that, but you can counter it by not making a big deal out of it yourselves, and by emphasizing and encouraging her skills and talents and other qualities that don't have anything to do with her appearance.
posted by ernielundquist at 1:40 PM on March 30, 2015 [5 favorites]
It's also worth mentioning that her hair might darken when she hits puberty. My cousin was a bright redhead when we were kids, but his hair darkened to reddish brown/auburn by the time he was eighteen. Similarly, we had a lot of bright bright blondes who wound up varying levels of brown at adulthood in my generation of kids--one whose hair darkened nearly to black! So maybe keep in mind that while she might be a coppery curly-haired redhead forever, it's also possible that by the time she's adult her hair won't be quite as bright or eye-catching.
posted by sciatrix at 1:44 PM on March 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by sciatrix at 1:44 PM on March 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
It's important that she knows that it's her hair. If she announces one day that she wants to cut it all off, remember that "because other people think it's so beautiful" is a terrible reason to encourage her not to.
posted by aimedwander at 1:47 PM on March 30, 2015 [12 favorites]
posted by aimedwander at 1:47 PM on March 30, 2015 [12 favorites]
I too have bright curly red hair and have gotten a lot of attention for it. People like to touch it, ask about, take pictures that they can take to their colorist to try and replicate. And I've learned to be gracious and appreciative, but also reasonably humble about it since I ultimately have it because of luck of the gene pool. So help her to say thank you and respond politely to compliments, but not make a big deal of it.
Other advice:
Let her dye her hair if she wants.
Don't dress her in kelly green.
Avoid the 1980s version of the movie Annie.
posted by brookeb at 2:09 PM on March 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
Other advice:
Let her dye her hair if she wants.
Don't dress her in kelly green.
Avoid the 1980s version of the movie Annie.
posted by brookeb at 2:09 PM on March 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
Not surprisingly there's a really big range here.
I have (what I believe to be) a pretty unremarkable shade of blonde hair, and I get no end of comments about it, ranging from benign but annoying (is that your real hair color?/you have princess hair!) to openly hostile (90% of the street harassment I get is hair-related). I did, in fact, get tired of this, and in high school and college dyed my hair all the time. For a while I bleached it - so it was still blonde, but obviously fake blonde, so that I could lie and say I was a natural brunette - then later I dyed it pink, dark brown, blue etc. I'm over it, but it still blows my mind how frequently random strangers touch my hair. What makes people think that's appropriate?!
My little sister, meanwhile, had BRIGHT red hair as a kid that has, over time, turned into platinum blonde with reddish highlights - a far more unusual and attractive hair color than mine. She reports no weird or uncomfortable comments - just occasional compliments.
(Worth noting: she likes people and I mostly don't, so it's possible she just sees those same comments differently. Which is the point, I guess. Try to train your kid to like people?)
posted by goodbyewaffles at 2:13 PM on March 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
I have (what I believe to be) a pretty unremarkable shade of blonde hair, and I get no end of comments about it, ranging from benign but annoying (is that your real hair color?/you have princess hair!) to openly hostile (90% of the street harassment I get is hair-related). I did, in fact, get tired of this, and in high school and college dyed my hair all the time. For a while I bleached it - so it was still blonde, but obviously fake blonde, so that I could lie and say I was a natural brunette - then later I dyed it pink, dark brown, blue etc. I'm over it, but it still blows my mind how frequently random strangers touch my hair. What makes people think that's appropriate?!
My little sister, meanwhile, had BRIGHT red hair as a kid that has, over time, turned into platinum blonde with reddish highlights - a far more unusual and attractive hair color than mine. She reports no weird or uncomfortable comments - just occasional compliments.
(Worth noting: she likes people and I mostly don't, so it's possible she just sees those same comments differently. Which is the point, I guess. Try to train your kid to like people?)
posted by goodbyewaffles at 2:13 PM on March 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
My SO has super-curly orange-red hair. He's gotten comments his whole life and people still ask if they can touch his hair even though he's nearly 40. His horrifically violent high school bullies used it as an excuse to torture him. It's bizarre what people feel entitled to say or do just because his hair is red. (Despite all this, he says he likes having red hair so at least he's able to feel good about it even though people can be so deeply weird about his hair color.)
Your daughter probably won't face the same situations because red hair on girls and women is more typically fetishized and considered "pretty" or "sexy", but it's still possible she may be bullied because of her hair. I would just keep an eye on it if she's in preschool and/or when she enters elementary school and check in with her to see if she's experiencing bullying because of her hair.
I think the best thing you can do for your daughter is make it clear that however she wants to feel about her hair and whatever she wants to do with it is her choice, even while she's really young. Definitely let her know that if she doesn't like people talking to you, other caregivers or her about her hair that she can leave or stop interacting anytime she wants. It's important that she understands that she can say no, especially if people are trying to kiss her, invade her personal space or touch her (even if they're family members). One thing I absolutely wouldn't do is force her to accept unwelcome touches or fawning, it can send some very bad signals about her right to bodily autonomy.
Last thing to watch out for if your daughter ever visits the UK: actual prejudice against redheads as a group. See the "Modern-day discrimination" section in the Red hair article on Wikipedia. I don't know how widespread any violence is, but I thought I'd mention it as a possible issue since it's established well enough to have a name (gingerism/gingerphobia).
posted by Arrrgyle at 3:11 PM on March 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
Your daughter probably won't face the same situations because red hair on girls and women is more typically fetishized and considered "pretty" or "sexy", but it's still possible she may be bullied because of her hair. I would just keep an eye on it if she's in preschool and/or when she enters elementary school and check in with her to see if she's experiencing bullying because of her hair.
I think the best thing you can do for your daughter is make it clear that however she wants to feel about her hair and whatever she wants to do with it is her choice, even while she's really young. Definitely let her know that if she doesn't like people talking to you, other caregivers or her about her hair that she can leave or stop interacting anytime she wants. It's important that she understands that she can say no, especially if people are trying to kiss her, invade her personal space or touch her (even if they're family members). One thing I absolutely wouldn't do is force her to accept unwelcome touches or fawning, it can send some very bad signals about her right to bodily autonomy.
Last thing to watch out for if your daughter ever visits the UK: actual prejudice against redheads as a group. See the "Modern-day discrimination" section in the Red hair article on Wikipedia. I don't know how widespread any violence is, but I thought I'd mention it as a possible issue since it's established well enough to have a name (gingerism/gingerphobia).
posted by Arrrgyle at 3:11 PM on March 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
I don't have red hair, but I was a very blonde kid living in Italy in kindergarten and first grade, so I got tons of attention. As a result, I was convinced I was the prettiest princess ever for most of my elementary school years. I like to think I turned out just fine anyway, though there was some slight emotional distress in middle school when my hair started getting darker.
If she doesn't mind the attention, I wouldn't worry much. Either way, make sure she feels like she can set and enforce personal boundaries.
posted by ktkt at 5:27 PM on March 30, 2015
If she doesn't mind the attention, I wouldn't worry much. Either way, make sure she feels like she can set and enforce personal boundaries.
posted by ktkt at 5:27 PM on March 30, 2015
Scotland is like the "mother ship" for red heads: 13% of the population have this hair colouring and 40% carry the ginger version of gene MC1R. It would be an interesting place to visit for her.
Hopefully it will not happen - but it is worth pointing out that redheads often need more anaesthetic than others to remove pain during surgery.
posted by rongorongo at 5:40 PM on March 30, 2015
Hopefully it will not happen - but it is worth pointing out that redheads often need more anaesthetic than others to remove pain during surgery.
posted by rongorongo at 5:40 PM on March 30, 2015
I have a ten-year-old son with stunning new-copper-penny red hair. It is true that the attention does not stop and I agree with others that the best thing you can do is prepare your child to respond to compliments briefly and politely and move on, and to defend her boundaries when it comes to touching, insults, prying questions, etc.
One thing I haven't seen mentioned here that you might possibly want to prepare for: assuming that you and your child's father do not, yourselves, have striking red hair, people who do not understand genetics-- many of them strangers, some of them possibly friends or family members-- will question your child's parentage. Out loud. In public. In front of your child.
If there's no one in your immediate family to point to as a source (which is quite possible since red is the most recessive hair color and can hide unexpressed in a family line for several generations) you may want to invent an aunt or something just to shut people up.
posted by BlueJae at 6:14 PM on March 30, 2015 [5 favorites]
One thing I haven't seen mentioned here that you might possibly want to prepare for: assuming that you and your child's father do not, yourselves, have striking red hair, people who do not understand genetics-- many of them strangers, some of them possibly friends or family members-- will question your child's parentage. Out loud. In public. In front of your child.
If there's no one in your immediate family to point to as a source (which is quite possible since red is the most recessive hair color and can hide unexpressed in a family line for several generations) you may want to invent an aunt or something just to shut people up.
posted by BlueJae at 6:14 PM on March 30, 2015 [5 favorites]
(On the bright side, my son understands genetics really well for a ten-year-old . . .)
posted by BlueJae at 6:22 PM on March 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by BlueJae at 6:22 PM on March 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
I had curly red hair as a kid too (there seem to be a lot of us on here), and the best / worst little old lady was the one who stopped me on the street and exclaimed: What beautiful hair! Such a shame. It's wasted on you. .
posted by kanewai at 6:31 PM on March 30, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by kanewai at 6:31 PM on March 30, 2015 [5 favorites]
It's wonderful being a redhead! I never minded comments from strangers, as a kid or an adult, and have always found it handy when meeting people: "I'm the tall redhead". Comes in handy sometimes.
To my disappointment, neither of my kids is a redhead, but maybe it'll skip a generation. I'm hoping so, anyway.
posted by citygirl at 8:11 PM on March 30, 2015
To my disappointment, neither of my kids is a redhead, but maybe it'll skip a generation. I'm hoping so, anyway.
posted by citygirl at 8:11 PM on March 30, 2015
I also have a preschooler with curly red hair. Obviously I don't have a long term answer for you, but I wanted to tell you that you're not alone, and as a parent I have wondered about the implications. When we're in public, the majority of the time if a stranger interacts with her they use her hair as their opening. I used to worry she might think ohyouhavesuchprettyredhair is the way we greet people in English. And these people stare at her so expectantly, like she should bust out a Shirley Temple impersonation in response. My kid doesn't fulfill that expectation - she typically just doesn't respond at all. Maybe even a little icy. Recently we were at a cafe and 3 different ladies interrupted us to admire her hair. She just kept eating, ignoring them while I said thank you. Then an older man walked by, stopped, and I thought "here we go again." But he said, "That looks like a YUMMY PICKLE" -- a messy one, really, pickle juice everywhere -- and she smiled so broadly in response and said "IT IS!" Then waved her pickle at him.
But, no, most people miss real connection because they are so focused on a single feature.
Anyway, I recognize that most people are well-meaning and I try to model/teach her to say thank you without it becoming a big thing. I hope that she will learn to figure out who is just paying a nice compliment. But there are two groups that we're going to have to talk about explicitly in the coming years:
1. The fetishists who can't keep it under wraps, even to a preschooler and her parents. While I think it's important to accept a compliment graciously, I want her to understand that she doesn't have to be "nice" to people who make her uncomfortable. Truthfully, it's not just red hair, it happens to all women for any feature, but all of us need to trust our guts. (Just in case there is someone reading this who doesn't know, it's never ok to imply how sexy a child is going to be when he or she is older.)
2. The people who remind me to vote for more $ for science education in schools. I do not have red hair, and a lot of people are very free with their intrusive questions. I used to shrug and say, "Recessive genes expressing themselves, I guess" but that doesn't do anything because the questioner doesn't get it and starts to pry further. They ask leading questions about adoption or reproductive assistance. I try not to indulge these questions at all anymore. And all this for red hair in a Caucasian family! I cannot even begin to imagine how much worse mixed race families get it.
Anyway - my point is that I figure her hair will be a starting point for a variety of discussions about some heavy topics.
posted by stowaway at 8:18 PM on March 30, 2015 [4 favorites]
But, no, most people miss real connection because they are so focused on a single feature.
Anyway, I recognize that most people are well-meaning and I try to model/teach her to say thank you without it becoming a big thing. I hope that she will learn to figure out who is just paying a nice compliment. But there are two groups that we're going to have to talk about explicitly in the coming years:
1. The fetishists who can't keep it under wraps, even to a preschooler and her parents. While I think it's important to accept a compliment graciously, I want her to understand that she doesn't have to be "nice" to people who make her uncomfortable. Truthfully, it's not just red hair, it happens to all women for any feature, but all of us need to trust our guts. (Just in case there is someone reading this who doesn't know, it's never ok to imply how sexy a child is going to be when he or she is older.)
2. The people who remind me to vote for more $ for science education in schools. I do not have red hair, and a lot of people are very free with their intrusive questions. I used to shrug and say, "Recessive genes expressing themselves, I guess" but that doesn't do anything because the questioner doesn't get it and starts to pry further. They ask leading questions about adoption or reproductive assistance. I try not to indulge these questions at all anymore. And all this for red hair in a Caucasian family! I cannot even begin to imagine how much worse mixed race families get it.
Anyway - my point is that I figure her hair will be a starting point for a variety of discussions about some heavy topics.
posted by stowaway at 8:18 PM on March 30, 2015 [4 favorites]
Just wanted to jump on the "at this age, just teach her to say 'thank you'"bandwagon, but it's okay if she doesn't want people to touch it. I'm shocked at how often people want to touch mine and it kind of creeps me out.
It's also okay if she doesn't want to say thank you, though I find it's easier to just do it. I usually say something like, "It's good that God gave me this hair because it means I don't have to style it - hahaha!" (regardless of my belief in God), and "Oh thank you! I got my curls from my dad and the color from my mom." They work equally well. Sometimes, I'll throw in something like, "I used to hate my hair; I always wanted straight/blonde/brunette hair! I really like yours!"
This is me, at about 10. I'm over 40 now, and it's much longer and lighter (copper-colored) now. The curls are tamer and overall very healthy, in large part because of my no-shampoo method of hair care.
posted by parilous at 8:33 PM on March 30, 2015
It's also okay if she doesn't want to say thank you, though I find it's easier to just do it. I usually say something like, "It's good that God gave me this hair because it means I don't have to style it - hahaha!" (regardless of my belief in God), and "Oh thank you! I got my curls from my dad and the color from my mom." They work equally well. Sometimes, I'll throw in something like, "I used to hate my hair; I always wanted straight/blonde/brunette hair! I really like yours!"
This is me, at about 10. I'm over 40 now, and it's much longer and lighter (copper-colored) now. The curls are tamer and overall very healthy, in large part because of my no-shampoo method of hair care.
posted by parilous at 8:33 PM on March 30, 2015
My daughter has auburn hair and loves it -- but my wife did NOT love being asked if she was dyeing her little girl's hair (and yes, it started young, like barely a toddler) -- and grew quite tired of the ad-hoc Mendelian genetics and/or biological mothering disquisitions ("you're Asian -- your daughter's hair is impossible!").
posted by MattD at 9:52 PM on March 30, 2015
posted by MattD at 9:52 PM on March 30, 2015
I too have red curly hair, and my siblings both have red hair... We used to get stopped as a family and exclaimed over by little old ladies when we were younger. Now people just stare a little bit. When on my own I mostly get asked if it's my natural color. The funny thing is, when your hair is naturally red, you can always tell if others' hair is too. Yet I always get asked if mine is real!
Anyway, like others said, everything will be fine, my siblings and I made it through.
posted by Red Desk at 11:41 PM on March 30, 2015
Anyway, like others said, everything will be fine, my siblings and I made it through.
posted by Red Desk at 11:41 PM on March 30, 2015
I too was a child in the UK with think wavy red hair. I got all the older lady comments that everyone else mentioned & I think I just said 'thank you'. I also got teased in school about it a bit, but not massively. However in adulthood it has gradually faded to the point where it is now sort of golden, but definitely not red and I was utterly bereft when I realised what was happening. What had been part of my identity for so long was disappearing!
As a completely empirical note - both my red headed father & I are unusually attractive to mosquitoes and all other biting insects, which I have heard tends to go with being red haired & pale skinned.
posted by cantthinkofagoodname at 3:22 AM on March 31, 2015 [1 favorite]
As a completely empirical note - both my red headed father & I are unusually attractive to mosquitoes and all other biting insects, which I have heard tends to go with being red haired & pale skinned.
posted by cantthinkofagoodname at 3:22 AM on March 31, 2015 [1 favorite]
Just want to say - it's totally okay to teach a toddler to say "respect my boundaries" if people try to touch them and they don't want to be touched. Our child does not have red hair, but does have a set of family members who are particularly grabby. I taught him this phrase pretty much as soon as he could talk, right after he learned the word "No!"
posted by vignettist at 8:16 AM on March 31, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by vignettist at 8:16 AM on March 31, 2015 [3 favorites]
I don't know if your daughter has freckles as well, but we really enjoy Julianne Moore's book about being a redhead with freckles, which is about loving your differences.
posted by freezer cake at 10:08 AM on March 31, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by freezer cake at 10:08 AM on March 31, 2015 [1 favorite]
My sister is a natural red-head who (these days) dyes her hair blonde. She finds it incredibly annoying when people flip out on seeing old pictures of her where her natural color is visible, and I don't blame her. It's her head and her choice as to what to do with it, and it is pretty rude (IMO) when people (unthinkingly?) make comments like "oh, you had such beautiful hair, why would you ever change that color?"
So...basically, while your kidlet is a bit young for hair dye to enter the equation, just try and keep in mind that she won't necessarily grow up to feel like her natural hair color is an essential part of her identity. From a parenting standpoint, you might do well to gently urge others away from making a big deal out of it, and as she grows up, make sure you have her back (so to speak) in that regard. My sister doesn't hate the color she was born with, she just prefers a different look right now, and gets an inordinate amount of grief for it.
posted by aecorwin at 10:59 AM on March 31, 2015 [3 favorites]
So...basically, while your kidlet is a bit young for hair dye to enter the equation, just try and keep in mind that she won't necessarily grow up to feel like her natural hair color is an essential part of her identity. From a parenting standpoint, you might do well to gently urge others away from making a big deal out of it, and as she grows up, make sure you have her back (so to speak) in that regard. My sister doesn't hate the color she was born with, she just prefers a different look right now, and gets an inordinate amount of grief for it.
posted by aecorwin at 10:59 AM on March 31, 2015 [3 favorites]
Yes, I don't have red hair but I do have very curly dark ringlets that I straighten and constantly get comments about Why Would I Do That To My Beautiful Hair. It's my hair, I can do what I want with it. Also, strangers always tried to pull on them so they'd spring back up, which is really annoying and also gets a stranger's hand oils and whatever other dirt all over your hair.
I think the constant OMG Your Hair commentary can definitely be damaging and/or affecting to those with so called unusual hair, and I agree with all those who tell you you should help her assert her boundaries, since there's not much you can do about people's rudeness/cluelessness.
But there's every chance she will one day complain about not liking her hair, and even change it in some ways as also mentioned above. I don't think that comes out of a vacuum, or some genuinely aesthetic choice, it often comes out of a feeling of being othered despite people framing it as a compliment.
Definitely don't dismiss it or get too overly concerned, but I think this is a serious topic and you're right to be a bit concerned about it.
posted by zutalors! at 11:29 AM on March 31, 2015 [2 favorites]
I think the constant OMG Your Hair commentary can definitely be damaging and/or affecting to those with so called unusual hair, and I agree with all those who tell you you should help her assert her boundaries, since there's not much you can do about people's rudeness/cluelessness.
But there's every chance she will one day complain about not liking her hair, and even change it in some ways as also mentioned above. I don't think that comes out of a vacuum, or some genuinely aesthetic choice, it often comes out of a feeling of being othered despite people framing it as a compliment.
Definitely don't dismiss it or get too overly concerned, but I think this is a serious topic and you're right to be a bit concerned about it.
posted by zutalors! at 11:29 AM on March 31, 2015 [2 favorites]
When I was about 6 or 7, I developed a precocious response to the inevitable "where'd you get your red hair?" question: "I think it grew out of my head!!" Does a good job of nipping the nosy train in the bud, expressing some annoyance in an acceptable way, and not being ungracious. Worth sticking in a back pocket! :))
posted by acm at 12:20 PM on March 31, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by acm at 12:20 PM on March 31, 2015 [3 favorites]
Loads of great responses here. I have curly, (dark) auburn hair. Some kids tried to tell me I was a "ginger minger" but enough strangers said nice thinga about the colour that I was fine.
The texture on the other hand. If you don't have experience with caring for curly hair, for goodness sake find someone with natural ringlets to show you how they do It. In short, do not brush when dry. Brush it when it's wet, wash with shampoo and conditioner every few days. The exact technique varies. Me and my mum culd have avoided so much pain for years if we had known this.
Also, if she straightens it, or keeps it super short and bleached blonde that's fine too. It's her hair.
posted by Braeburn at 12:45 PM on March 31, 2015 [1 favorite]
The texture on the other hand. If you don't have experience with caring for curly hair, for goodness sake find someone with natural ringlets to show you how they do It. In short, do not brush when dry. Brush it when it's wet, wash with shampoo and conditioner every few days. The exact technique varies. Me and my mum culd have avoided so much pain for years if we had known this.
Also, if she straightens it, or keeps it super short and bleached blonde that's fine too. It's her hair.
posted by Braeburn at 12:45 PM on March 31, 2015 [1 favorite]
To Theta States: many years ago I commented on the lovely red hair of a twenty-something woman. She thanked me for the compliment and after correctly guessing that I had a redheaded child added, "Mothers of redheads should form a club".
Welcome to the club.
posted by she's not there at 2:55 PM on March 31, 2015 [1 favorite]
Welcome to the club.
posted by she's not there at 2:55 PM on March 31, 2015 [1 favorite]
I am the oldest of three red-haired daughters. My mom said when each one of us was born, the very first thing the nurses said was "oh! it's a redhead!". People always comment on red hair, it will eventually be no big deal. From when I was a baby, growing up and into high school, old ladies would constantly compliment my hair, to the point it didn't surprise me at all anymore. Accept compliments gracefully - say "thank you", smile, and keep moving. No obligation to continue the conversation, nor do I even encourage it. Someone always asks if it's a dye job - smile with a "screw you" eyebrow raise, tell them it's natural with an optional comeback, and continue on. When adolescence comes there will be "do the carpets match the drapes" comments from guys, which should warrant a snarky comeback from your kid to shut the guy down. I'm sure this is one of the reasons why redheads are stereotyped to have tempers or be sassy - dealing with constant comments.
And in outdoor photographs, red hair shows up like celestial radiance in the sun. Will be comment-worthy. My sister was photographed with her choir and her hair stood out like a beacon, made her look like some kind of goddess - when the pictures came out, she got looks from the other members. My mother in law is quite a shutterbug and has commented "Gee, your hair doesn't LOOK that red..." and she looks through other pictures. "Oh, I guess so... yeah..." Instead of feeling sheepish or ashamed, own it.
As a little kid, it can be tough - people bring it up a lot. Adults love it, anyone older than the kid loves it, but the kids their own age are either jealous (seems doubtful) or see it as weird/different/low-hanging fruit to tease. Having mom constantly telling us how beautiful our hair is and how other people are just jealous didn't help to deal with it. I don't know what to say to a kid like that though, maybe something like "that's just how your hair is, everyone is different. Nothing wrong with it, it's normal."
I did like Anne of Green Gables quite a bit when I was little, someone who also got teased for red hair.
posted by lizbunny at 9:17 PM on April 1, 2015
And in outdoor photographs, red hair shows up like celestial radiance in the sun. Will be comment-worthy. My sister was photographed with her choir and her hair stood out like a beacon, made her look like some kind of goddess - when the pictures came out, she got looks from the other members. My mother in law is quite a shutterbug and has commented "Gee, your hair doesn't LOOK that red..." and she looks through other pictures. "Oh, I guess so... yeah..." Instead of feeling sheepish or ashamed, own it.
As a little kid, it can be tough - people bring it up a lot. Adults love it, anyone older than the kid loves it, but the kids their own age are either jealous (seems doubtful) or see it as weird/different/low-hanging fruit to tease. Having mom constantly telling us how beautiful our hair is and how other people are just jealous didn't help to deal with it. I don't know what to say to a kid like that though, maybe something like "that's just how your hair is, everyone is different. Nothing wrong with it, it's normal."
I did like Anne of Green Gables quite a bit when I was little, someone who also got teased for red hair.
posted by lizbunny at 9:17 PM on April 1, 2015
Man, all these "people want to touch it" comments are making me so glad I'm not a natural redhead (I have personal space issues).
As such, I would be so tempted to teach a child to say, as loud as they wish, "I don't like it when strangers touch me!" But again, I really, really hate it when people I don't know touch me without permission. Then again, I'm pretty sure people would re-think that part of the fawning in the future.
For people who stick to verbal fawning, nothing needs to be said other than "thank you".
posted by timepiece at 1:00 PM on April 3, 2015
As such, I would be so tempted to teach a child to say, as loud as they wish, "I don't like it when strangers touch me!" But again, I really, really hate it when people I don't know touch me without permission. Then again, I'm pretty sure people would re-think that part of the fawning in the future.
For people who stick to verbal fawning, nothing needs to be said other than "thank you".
posted by timepiece at 1:00 PM on April 3, 2015
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by something something at 12:21 PM on March 30, 2015 [12 favorites]