Help for the fearful-avoidant adult.
March 30, 2015 7:21 AM Subscribe
I seem to be Fearful-avoidant according to attachment theory in adults. Please help me learn more about this way of dealing with people.
I recently discovered that I seem to be fearful-avoidant according to attachment theory in adults. This was a big eureka moment for me because I'm not very in touch with my feelings, or into self-help literature.
Fearful-avoidant does a great job of describing me. I experienced a childhood loss (parental suicide at a young age) and I do do have trouble letting my partners get "too close". My last five girlfriends have fallen in love with me, but I've been unable to reciprocate. Now, I feel guilty about dating because I'm afraid I'll just end up hurting my next girlfriend, and yet I yearn for a relationship. I also have extremely low feelings of self-worth.
I have a few questions. Is attachment theory in adults a generally accepted dynamic? Please tell me if it's woo, or even on the woo side of things. Can anyone recommend any books, articles or websites related to fearful-avoidant attachment theory in adults? Any advice or personal experiences? And yes, I will be going to therapy.
I recently discovered that I seem to be fearful-avoidant according to attachment theory in adults. This was a big eureka moment for me because I'm not very in touch with my feelings, or into self-help literature.
Fearful-avoidant does a great job of describing me. I experienced a childhood loss (parental suicide at a young age) and I do do have trouble letting my partners get "too close". My last five girlfriends have fallen in love with me, but I've been unable to reciprocate. Now, I feel guilty about dating because I'm afraid I'll just end up hurting my next girlfriend, and yet I yearn for a relationship. I also have extremely low feelings of self-worth.
I have a few questions. Is attachment theory in adults a generally accepted dynamic? Please tell me if it's woo, or even on the woo side of things. Can anyone recommend any books, articles or websites related to fearful-avoidant attachment theory in adults? Any advice or personal experiences? And yes, I will be going to therapy.
Oh, you asked specifically about adults: Yes, it's still generally accepted. There was such a backlash against Freud's focus on early childhood for a while that all early childhood experiences were considered irrelevant, now the pendulum's swinging back toward more balance, with the general idea that early childhood shapes us but that adults still have power to change themselves.
posted by jaguar at 7:32 AM on March 30, 2015
posted by jaguar at 7:32 AM on March 30, 2015
This is a concept that some-but-not-all behavioral health professionals use, yes.
As an end user of behavior health services, I typically find that it is much more useful in the therapy room to talk and think in terms of "I do Y and I'm unhappy about it" than "I am/have X and I'm unhappy about it," for two reasons. One, I have seen people pick up new behaviors, essentially to conform to a diagnosis, or agonize over whether they're "really" using the right label. Two, relatedly, for a certain kind of person prone to intellectualizing, there's a danger of thinking that by "correctly" identifying something, you've actually done something, which can distract from doing the actual work.
posted by PMdixon at 7:59 AM on March 30, 2015 [9 favorites]
As an end user of behavior health services, I typically find that it is much more useful in the therapy room to talk and think in terms of "I do Y and I'm unhappy about it" than "I am/have X and I'm unhappy about it," for two reasons. One, I have seen people pick up new behaviors, essentially to conform to a diagnosis, or agonize over whether they're "really" using the right label. Two, relatedly, for a certain kind of person prone to intellectualizing, there's a danger of thinking that by "correctly" identifying something, you've actually done something, which can distract from doing the actual work.
posted by PMdixon at 7:59 AM on March 30, 2015 [9 favorites]
Attachment theory is one of the most well-validated, empirically supported findings in all of psychology (meaning there is study after study showing the same results). It is not woo, but it has been twisted somewhat and you have to be careful of the source. For instance "attachment parenting" is not the same as "attachment theory" (not saying "attachment parenting" is woo but it's a separate area imo). There are people writing books about attachment but they are not necessarily coming from the research background I've mentioned.
I wish I had book suggestions but wanted to say that it is possible to move from an insecure type (like fearful-avoidant) to "earned secure" as an adult. It is likely you can find a clinical psychologist who works with these issues.
From personal experience (I'm likely preoccupied at least some of the time), I've found that reflecting on what happened in my relationships as a child, and becoming aware of how these influence me presently, is step #1 to changing the pattern. For me, I realized that I was afraid to express how I really felt because I feared rejection from my partner, so instead of just saying "hey, I'm feeling insecure/sad, can I have a hug?", I would expect them to read my mind, or pick a fight to get a response from them. Another thing for myself is that so many times a partner will be about to say something and I'll start thinking "they're probably going to tell me they don't really love me", "are they breaking up with me?", etc.). I was astounded when I realized that is literally where my mind goes when there's any uncertainty in a conversation with a romantic partner, I fill it in with something rejecting/negative.
What's been helpful for me is accepting that I'm going to have these very quick reactions or tendencies and instead of trying to feel differently, to work on what behaviors are acceptable/constructive. So picking fights and acting out are not ok, but I can feel however I want to feel (although I'm doing work on how I feel so that hopefully in time I don't anticipate rejection so often).
posted by lafemma at 9:24 AM on March 30, 2015 [10 favorites]
I wish I had book suggestions but wanted to say that it is possible to move from an insecure type (like fearful-avoidant) to "earned secure" as an adult. It is likely you can find a clinical psychologist who works with these issues.
From personal experience (I'm likely preoccupied at least some of the time), I've found that reflecting on what happened in my relationships as a child, and becoming aware of how these influence me presently, is step #1 to changing the pattern. For me, I realized that I was afraid to express how I really felt because I feared rejection from my partner, so instead of just saying "hey, I'm feeling insecure/sad, can I have a hug?", I would expect them to read my mind, or pick a fight to get a response from them. Another thing for myself is that so many times a partner will be about to say something and I'll start thinking "they're probably going to tell me they don't really love me", "are they breaking up with me?", etc.). I was astounded when I realized that is literally where my mind goes when there's any uncertainty in a conversation with a romantic partner, I fill it in with something rejecting/negative.
What's been helpful for me is accepting that I'm going to have these very quick reactions or tendencies and instead of trying to feel differently, to work on what behaviors are acceptable/constructive. So picking fights and acting out are not ok, but I can feel however I want to feel (although I'm doing work on how I feel so that hopefully in time I don't anticipate rejection so often).
posted by lafemma at 9:24 AM on March 30, 2015 [10 favorites]
As a therapist, I am very happy that you're starting therapy! Obviously I'm biased, but honestly, building a relationship with an actual person who you will let into your life is going to be a huge step. When I get fearful-avoidant patients, I imagine them sitting behind an invisible iron-bolted door, and I have to start fiddling with the locks and checking if the door has any give. It takes time and patience from both clinician and client, but gradually the door opens, which means other people can come in after.
As others have pointed out, attachment theory has been heavily researched and supported*, and ruptures in early childhood development can very much echo into adult relationships. Talking about your experience, your memories, your thought patterns will give you new perspectives on your old patterns. You've learned to shut people out so that they can't hurt you, and you've also realized that while that works on *some* levels, it's not exactly the best coping mechanism. You want to feel feelings, but the feelings are freaking you out, so it will be good to sit with a therapist in a controlled environment while you're giving them a test run. It will be uncomfortable, but the discomfort is good, and it will force you to change.
*Often when people treat therapy as "woo" (though yes, there are some real-life "woo" modalities) or indulgent or otherwise unimportant, it's coming from a place of extreme discomfort with prioritizing their own mental and emotional health.
posted by zoomorphic at 10:06 AM on March 30, 2015 [9 favorites]
As others have pointed out, attachment theory has been heavily researched and supported*, and ruptures in early childhood development can very much echo into adult relationships. Talking about your experience, your memories, your thought patterns will give you new perspectives on your old patterns. You've learned to shut people out so that they can't hurt you, and you've also realized that while that works on *some* levels, it's not exactly the best coping mechanism. You want to feel feelings, but the feelings are freaking you out, so it will be good to sit with a therapist in a controlled environment while you're giving them a test run. It will be uncomfortable, but the discomfort is good, and it will force you to change.
*Often when people treat therapy as "woo" (though yes, there are some real-life "woo" modalities) or indulgent or otherwise unimportant, it's coming from a place of extreme discomfort with prioritizing their own mental and emotional health.
posted by zoomorphic at 10:06 AM on March 30, 2015 [9 favorites]
Thanks for asking this; I'm looking forward to book recommendations as well.
posted by kitcat at 12:31 PM on March 30, 2015
posted by kitcat at 12:31 PM on March 30, 2015
i have this issue but i also have a great partner who sticks with me through it all. he teaches me how to love and trust- we're building a two person family and friendship together.
let go of some of your expectations about what love should physically feel like, and focus on your behavior towards your partner. learn to act the part, learn when you are being selfish, clean up your act. the feelings should follow. it has taken me several months to care about my partner, 3 years to learn how to trust my partner, and maybe another two years before I can feel unchained love .
instead of focusing on loving them, focus on treating them well and learning how to trust them. never reveal that you cannot trust or love them, but make it an open environment between the two of you where your partner can tell you what you're doing that hurts her. make the compromise and change for them, one day you will learn to trust them. eventually you will love, but in our own quiet way. the right person will understand and cherish that part of you.
i'm not joking when i tell you to try a medical marijuana edible. turn the lights off and lie in bed about an hour and a half hour earlier than your usual bed time and let your mind wander, it can help you resolve some of your inner conflicts associated with trust. do this only on a rare occasion.
posted by nephilim. at 2:40 AM on March 31, 2015 [1 favorite]
let go of some of your expectations about what love should physically feel like, and focus on your behavior towards your partner. learn to act the part, learn when you are being selfish, clean up your act. the feelings should follow. it has taken me several months to care about my partner, 3 years to learn how to trust my partner, and maybe another two years before I can feel unchained love .
instead of focusing on loving them, focus on treating them well and learning how to trust them. never reveal that you cannot trust or love them, but make it an open environment between the two of you where your partner can tell you what you're doing that hurts her. make the compromise and change for them, one day you will learn to trust them. eventually you will love, but in our own quiet way. the right person will understand and cherish that part of you.
i'm not joking when i tell you to try a medical marijuana edible. turn the lights off and lie in bed about an hour and a half hour earlier than your usual bed time and let your mind wander, it can help you resolve some of your inner conflicts associated with trust. do this only on a rare occasion.
posted by nephilim. at 2:40 AM on March 31, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'd recommend the book Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment
(http://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Attachment-Find-Keep-Love-ebook/dp/B0049H9AVU)
Also, the work that Diane Poole Heller is doing with attachment styles is really interesting and might be something you want to check out. She does a lot of training for therapists but it can also be helpful for doing personal work: https://vimeo.com/86390383
*Sorry for the cut and pasted links :)
posted by tacoma1 at 5:16 AM on March 31, 2015 [1 favorite]
(http://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Attachment-Find-Keep-Love-ebook/dp/B0049H9AVU)
Also, the work that Diane Poole Heller is doing with attachment styles is really interesting and might be something you want to check out. She does a lot of training for therapists but it can also be helpful for doing personal work: https://vimeo.com/86390383
*Sorry for the cut and pasted links :)
posted by tacoma1 at 5:16 AM on March 31, 2015 [1 favorite]
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posted by jaguar at 7:30 AM on March 30, 2015 [2 favorites]