Redirecting sexual energy

March 18, 2015 1:12 PM

I have a healthy sexual appetite, but can't have sex right now. What do I do with all of this energy in the meantime?

For reasons I don't want to get into (but trust me, they're valid), I haven't had sex for a year and likely won't for a while. I'm a 30something attractive woman with working parts and a sex drive that's through the roof. I think about sex constantly. I'm a raging, hormonal sex machine - just without the actual sex. I feel like my drive is starting to interfere with my daily life in that I'm thinking about sex all.the.time.

I'm in therapy and assured by my therapist my thoughts are healthy - just a side effect of having an active sexual appetite and no outlet. There's nothing medically wrong with me. I'm just a woman who enjoys sex and can't have it right now.

In this instance, sex refers to everything from a long hug to kissing to third base to full-on intercourse. None are available to me right now (for real).

I masturbate and exercise hard and throw myself into hobbies, friends and work. I flirt and am social.

What can I do to tamp down these feelings until I'm able to have sex again? My question isn't how to have sex again (I have that covered), but how, in the meantime, not to feel like a 13-year-old in the throes of a sexual awakening. I'd like to be able to concentrate on daily life without imagining naked every person I see. If you were in this position, how did you wrangle your energy?

Thanks, MeFi!

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (15 answers total)

www.pornmd.com.
posted by Melismata at 1:15 PM on March 18, 2015

Is it the partner/interaction aspect you're missing? How about chatting to someone online or on the phone while you masturbate? Camming, if you're into that?

Massages can help if you're missing touch (and can be touched) - try not to make too many sex noises. I've found both these things helpful when my primary partner has been away for a while.
posted by corvine at 1:35 PM on March 18, 2015 [1 favorite]

You know what, part of this isn't deprivation. Part of this is that, sometime in our 30s, our (women's) sex drives go into turbo charge. I know what this is like. Like, I was starting to find fire hydrants sexually alluring. You're already doing all the right things, except maybe.... when you masturbate, challenge yourself to have as many orgasms as you can stand. Knock yourself out. Sex toys help, especially if you like penetrative sex and can get a helper with a suction cup so you can attach it to something, leaving your hands free. One thing that helped me a lot was to find realistic sex toys made of that material that actually feels like skin.

Also, massage. I found a great great massage therapist who wasn't interested in sex with me but who gave me the full body touch I needed in a totally nonsexual and yet very helpful way. If you're in the SF area, memail me and I'll give you his contact info -- best massage I've had.
posted by janey47 at 1:38 PM on March 18, 2015 [5 favorites]

I accepted that that's how I was wired, basically.

A clarification, though...you define "it's interfering with my life" as "I think about it all the time," and...that actually doesn't sound weird. It'd be one thing if you kept putting off doing your work because you were writing porn, or you were actually hitting on people at work, but it sounds like you're just imagining people naked, and....they don't know it. And if that's all it is, that's actually okay. (Frustrating, yeah, but okay.)

So if it is actually straight-up veering into a compulsive thought pattern that is legit interfering with your work - meaning, your boss has had a talk with you about how you seem distracted, or your friends have started teasing you for talking about sex all the time - that is something to address. But if things are under social control, but you want to turn things off...that's kind of where I was, and I just sort of channeled that into reading a lot of porn, getting massages, and doing the things you're already doing. (Actually, the drive has started to slow down a tiny bit as I've gotten older, and believe it or not, I sort of miss it; I mean, it's still way up there, but not like it was.)

But I accepted that that's just how I roll, and let myself be that way so long as I behaved responsibly. And if that meant that I sometimes daydreamed about a cute guy at work WHILE I was at work, then so be it (as long as I did my work and no one else knew that's what I was thinking, that is).
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:39 PM on March 18, 2015 [2 favorites]

Masturbate frantically.

See? I knew I would get a chance to use it soon that wasn't out of place.

Oh, but you're already doing that. I'm going to nth the suggestion for massage. As a massage therapist I've had several patients experience sexual release as part of their own process (that is without stimulation of the genitals and without me having their orgasm as a goal), that may help you, even if you don't climax, as it is possible you just need the touch. As you're in SF, I'd recommend looking for someone who does Esalen massage, you will find plenty (the Esalen Institute is in the Big Sur).

I'm also going to throw another suggestion out there, that may or may not be down your alley or appropriate in your situation? What about getting a cuddling partner? Or would that make it worse?
posted by Promethea at 2:17 PM on March 18, 2015 [1 favorite]

You should ask your therapist to work on CBT methods for concentrating. Monkey brain wants to be doing something fun, it knows of something fun we could be doing right now, so it jumps up and down to get your attention, but monkey brain isn't as in charge as it claims to be. You are in charge and you decide what to think about. It takes practice but it's the same technique for not doing any other fun but not great thing like being high all day, eating nothing but ice cream, etc.
posted by bleep at 2:51 PM on March 18, 2015

I think the only thing that really utterly kills the libido for me is becoming either exhausted, sad, or stressed. I would recommend exhausted, with maybe just a tiny bit of stress. Like, get a harder job with a steep learning curve. That will do it. Or go out in the wilderness and camp focused on survival. When you have more basic, primal, immediate concerns sex gets pushed to the back-burner.

There are also anti-depressants that will reduce or kill your sex drive. If your therapist really thinks you're suffering, it's not out of the realm of possibility that you could have some prescribed in a very moderate dose.
posted by quincunx at 3:28 PM on March 18, 2015

The only thing I can think of that's not been mentioned is taking your workouts down about twenty notches, to yoga, pilates, and long, slow cardio, like walking at 3mph for an hour. (Honestly, none of this sounds fun; I hope you have really good reasons for this.)
posted by cotton dress sock at 8:23 PM on March 18, 2015

Write erotica. You don't have to show it to anyone. Exercise the creative part of your brain in the way that turns you on.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 8:37 PM on March 18, 2015 [2 favorites]

One aspect of frustrated sexual energy is not getting touched enough. Massages are great but how often can that happen? US culture tends to be hands off with people being somewhat paranoid about maintaining big personal spaces. It's amazing you can work with people for years and never have touched them once.

I'd hook up with some huggy friends or groups so you get the full body contact in a less intense format. It can do wonders for tamping down the sexual urge. Snuggle pal maybe?
posted by diode at 8:41 PM on March 18, 2015 [1 favorite]

It sounds like a fixation, and the fix for any fixation is focusing on a new one. While I understand an element of this situation is biological, your post sounds really emotional as well which is all in your head. You need another passionate interest in something that also thrills you. Is there anything you've always thought you'd like to try doing, but haven't for whatever reason? Throw yourself into some other indulgence, but make sure it comes with the benefit of being productive and not destructive.
posted by Avosunspin at 11:31 PM on March 18, 2015

Paint. Make love to the canvas with brushes. Smear the colors with your fingers. Spray, splatter, and squirt things at the paper. It doesn't have to be a picture of anything. Follow your instincts. It can't be wrong.
posted by macinchik at 12:06 AM on March 19, 2015

I remember the celibate half of my 30s. I was horny like bugs under my skin. One thing that really helped me was doing things that involved physical contact and were also physically tiring, like martial arts classes and partner-type dancing (ballroom in my case, but swing, Latin or contra would also work.)
posted by Pallas Athena at 5:04 AM on March 19, 2015 [2 favorites]

I will Nth the suggestions to write erotica or pursue art or some other creative outlet for your feelings.

I hate it when I have "I see Naked People"-o-vision. I find that creepy as hell, worse than someone else skeeving on me, because the creepiness is coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE. It's my own damn head doing it to me and that just puts me over the edge (in a "I would rather be shot than keep living like this" sort of way).

So I do whatever I have to do to keep myself out of that headspace. For me, that means the emotional stuff has to be dealt with. I need either an emotional outlet or an emotional connection to someone, even if we can't have sex. (That emotional connection can be a crush and the crush doesn't have to know.)

For a time, I had a NSFW Posterous blog that was a helpful outlet where I posted things like images I found online and video clips and sometimes wrote a bit about why those spoke to me. I currently have other creative outlets that meet some of this need without being quite as explicit . It's about fulfilling some craving for romance more than sex per se. Again, for me, it is about the emotional piece. Masturbation alone doesn't fix "I see Naked People"-o-vision. I need emotional satisfaction.

I have also done the online-only romance (or online and by phone). (And dumped them when they wanted to meet in person.)

So Ms. Kitty gets fed, it's just kind of a Breatharian Diet these days. That sometimes leads to strange relationships. I have a no harm, no foul policy.

I've been celibate a lot longer than a year. I'm okay, most of the time.
posted by Michele in California at 4:20 PM on March 19, 2015

I seriously considered writing a question like this a few weeks ago - I really feel your pain and am in a similar spot. After having sex several times a week for about 15 years I've been going without for over a year and it's miserable and my wrist hurts. What helped me was drinking at home. It take the edge off and helps me relax. You get drunk and silly and babble with your pets and pass out in bed without even realizing you were frisky. Of course when I sober up I am back to having a mind in the gutter and undressing the poor construction workers with my eyes.

Bad advice probably but it works amazingly for me when the tension gets too high.
posted by partly squamous and partly rugose at 7:58 PM on March 20, 2015 [1 favorite]