How can I be less hopeful, and more hopeful, all at once?

March 6, 2015 6:30 PM

I can’t seem to get rid of the tiny shreds of hope that a toxic relationship will change, nor can I seem to detach enough emotionally to cope well. At the same time, I just can’t seem to feel confident that I’ll be able to cope and recover from the termination and trauma of this relationship. Seeking advice, words of wisdom, etc. Details inside...

I recognize that I can’t seem to get rid of the tiny shreds of hope that an alcoholic will change, nor can I seem to detach enough emotionally to be uncaring, or protect myself emotionally as much as possible. I find it particularly challenging with the promises of sobriety and change, or tiny periods of sobriety with my “old partner” returning and things getting better (only to deteriorate again).

At the same time, it’s hard for me to be hopeful, not resentful, compassionate or confident with myself, and just to cope well in general. I feel like too often I’m becoming a resentful, heartbroken mess. I seem to get stuck ruminating on things I can’t change like justice and fairness, being overly self-critical for my current situation (“You should have seen the signs sooner” “This is your fault because you were too naïve, avoidant, etc”) , and just the “suck” of it all. I just can’t seem to feel confident that I’ll be able to cope and recover from the termination and trauma of this relationship.

Additional details: Though alcoholic and I are not “together”, and haven’t been for some time, we still have a baby and live together with plans to separate fully soon. I notice I get triggered quite often into feeling completely heartbroken and upset. For example, he is quite promiscuous and dishonest when drinking, which seems to be a sensitive trigger for me, so even though we are not together, I find myself fuming (“You get to go screw around and cast your worries aside, while I take care of our child!” "You did WHAT when I was pregnant?!") I'm generally a positive, calm person, so this anger and lack of hope is a new challenge for me. I do think he has considerable skill in manipulating my emotions, and manipulating people for his gain in general, and I want to get stronger and better at dealing with this.

I'm working on coping with all this in therapy/Al-Anon, but know how helpful this site can be in addition. How can I feel more hopeful about my ability to heal and cope with upcoming single parenthood, continuing to deal with an alcoholic coparent, and whatever else comes my way? And abandon the hopes that have proven destructive for me (he will get better and things can improve)?

Many thanks in advance.

posted by aggielc to Human Relations (17 answers total)

I would read about sick systems, and how they work, and qualities that keep you stuck in a sick system.

It sounds like you are stuck in a sick system. It's an entirely understandable thing, and it happens to a lot of us at one point or another.

You are a good person and you and your baby deserve to have a safe life where you don't have to deal with this rollercoaster.
posted by pie ninja at 6:40 PM on March 6, 2015 [8 favorites]

Speaking for myself: when I have been in bad relationships, or still sort of pining away for someone, it's been easy to put myself down for staying, or for continuing to feel a particular way. As if you have any way to control what you're feeling! (To some degree, you can control your reaction, but there's no shame in simply having some thoughts come up.)

I guarantee you that when you got into this relationship, you didn't think, "Hoo, boy, I can't wait for this guy to become an alcoholic! That will be AWESOME!" Things change gradually. Both of you start to create a new normal for yourselves. You wanted to be a good partner, so you probably played along as much as you could to keep things together. That's what anyone would do in a good relationship: compromise. You were doing all of the "right things" that you thought were appropriate.

It's helpful to realize that pining away for someone doesn't necessarily mean that being with that person would make things better. It's a feeling that you hope to capture, whether it's real or just imagined. There are a lot of things that can help us feel that way that don't involve a particular person; those things just might not be immediately apparent.

So be gentle on yourself. Don't beat yourself up for being in this situation; it's absolutely not your fault for following your heart. Hope is a tricky thing, but you can find hope in many places. Start small with the things that make you smile from day to day.

I say this over and over again: better is better, no matter how small that increment might be. It sounds like you've been really strong so far, and although it can be supremely tiring, you've got things to be proud of. Going to Al-Anon is something to be proud of, too -- those skills can help you with a lot more than just people with substance issues.

Let yourself be open to new kinds of hope. You deserve good things. They're out there.
posted by St. Hubbins at 7:01 PM on March 6, 2015 [9 favorites]

All of this is a natural part of leaving a bad relationship (compared to my experience leaving a controlling relationship and other experiences I've heard about).

Reading your question, I kept thinking that one part of your question (e.g., how to find strength for single parenthood) was answered by or connected to another part of the question (e.g., how to give up hope that he'll ever change). Sometimes depression and hopelessness are our body making it easier for us to stop trying to do the impossible, go inward, and regroup. I suspect that once you have even more space from him, that you'll be much better off, and that once you stop gaining hope about him only to lose it again, that you'll have more hope about your future overall.

So I think that you're on to something here -- that your continued attachment to him is exacerbating your self-image issues, hopelessness, and anger. Anger often serves to motivate action. I suspect that the anger and self-recrimination might subside a bit once you have more of a clean separation from him, once the side of your brain that wants you to leave is no longer using them to try to discourage the part of you that wants to keep trying with him.

At the same time, don't blame yourself. It's very understandable that you'd be hurt by his hurtful behavior and that you'd have trouble not feeling hope while living with a recent ex. Doubly so under the pressures of parenthood. Just keep working to get more distance.

The other thing I wanted to tell you is that I think it's really natural to worry that some awful experience has changed us. I was very angry after the relationship I alluded to and worried that I would be furious forever. That wasn't true. Things do change us, but you're in charge of that process, so it's never been as bad as i feared; maybe focus a little bit on what you want to be able to say about how you handled yourself at the end of this. To me it sounds like you're tackling a very difficult task to make a better life for your child.

My sense is that you're at that point in the tunnel when you can't see the light yet but are still moving forward, and that if you keep going to Al-anon and working to establish separate residences, you'll see the light eventually, hopefully in not too much longer! Once you're further separated and the internal battle is over, some of the angst might calm down a little. Once you are further along in the separation, you may well find this all to be a source of pride, hope, and strength. Setting standards for your relationship and setting off to be a single mother are powerful actions.

(P.S. Sorry this is kinda repetitive, but I have to run, out of time to edit. Hopefully it mostly makes sense.)
posted by salvia at 7:32 PM on March 6, 2015 [2 favorites]

I'd just like to say that your situation sucks and I'm sorry you're dealing with it. I left a controlling/abusive/dangerous relationship with a baby and I am here to say, IT IS SO MUCH BETTER. It is infinitely easier to be a single mom than try to live with a scary person who's not helpful and be a mom. And you don't have to be scared that he'll be crazy to you. I highly recommend single parenting over with a scary dangerous person parenting. Yes, there were some good parts to your relationship and yes you need to mourn. It'll be SO MUCH easier when you do not have much contact with him because you are physically separated. Give it time. Make some distance.
posted by Kalmya at 7:47 PM on March 6, 2015 [10 favorites]

I think you're doing the right things and it's just going to take time. Just don't give up - keep going to meetings, keep talking with a therapist, keep putting one foot in front of the other and listening to your gut. You're going to get through and out and be okay.

And I don't know if this will help you, but it helped me so I will share: My husband has 9 years clean and sober, but my dad never did manage to stop drinking. After my husband had a few years of clean time he said of my father, "he just so clearly hates himself," like that was something that would be obvious off-hand to anyone, but it was like a lightning bolt for me, and helped me to finally begin to forgive my dad for all his shortcomings. Anything he did to our family was a drop in the bucket compared to the pain he felt and caused for himself. It may look like your husband is having a grand time doing whatever he wants, but that's not how it feels to him, not really. Alcoholics are not happy, carefree people. I don't say this to try to make you feel badly for getting out of the relationship - even after I came to forgive my dad that didn't mean I let him back into my life - but to make clear what a relief it can be find a way to let go of the anger. The forgiveness was for me, so I could stop wasting all that energy being angry.

You're doing the right thing for yourself and your baby. It will get easier, I promise.
posted by something something at 7:52 PM on March 6, 2015 [5 favorites]

It has been over two years since I was with a man that I never thought I'd be able to get over, in a toxic relationship that was ruining my life and making me miserable. I was not confident when I left that things would get better. I thought I would always be stuck in a circle of self-shame and of beating myself up. It was not possible for me to imagine letting go. It wasn't possible for me to imagine forgiving myself for ending up with that man, for not seeing the signs sooner. To be honest, I still have a lot of regret about it when I think about it. But I don't think about it every day, and it's more of a... smooth regret. Like a worry stone. It is over.

I never thought I'd be able to get over him, but I did. I loved him so much. I can't even tell you; I can't even understand how I felt. I was attached to him, and I could not fathom walking away from someone I loved so much who was hurting so badly. He called me a monster and helped feed my guilt about leaving him. "What will I do without you?" Well, you will do the same things that you always do, bucko, except I won't be around as a punching bag. Part of being in a relationship like this is that it makes you think you can't get out. It makes you think that things will never get better. It makes you think that you don't deserve better because you got yourself into this mess.

First off: not living together will help immensely. It took me awhile to get a new apartment (I actually signed multiple leases and then backed away and lost deposits because I thought he would change, he promised me he would change, and I wanted him to change so badly not really for my sake - I cared so much more about him than I cared about myself at that point - that is why I put up with him treating me so badly for so long) and once I got a new place that was all my own things really started getting a lot better. Having that physical boundary really helped. I was able to have some peace and quiet. I slept. I got a cat. It was a great time. I got candles and started filling my cabinets and fridge with food and I started succeeding at work and as the little things started to get better and he started to turn into more of a dot in the distance, a fly in the ointment, I was able to really start improving exponentially. A big part of that for me was the physical boundary of not living together. Other boundaries ("No, you cannot call me at 3 AM threatening to kill yourself." "No, you can't call me at all anymore, we have to communicate by email now, because I do not want to talk on the phone with you anymore." "No, I will not respond to your emails the same day, I am busy." "No, I will no longer reply to your emails and I do not want to hear from you anymore.") became so much easier to set once I had distance and time. Boundaries that work for your situation and your life will get so much easier to set and enforce when you don't live with him. You will have to still interact with him because you have a child together, but you can interact and ALSO do so with good boundaries.

I would actually recommend getting a therapist to help you with boundaries - learning about what they are, how to set them, how to enforce them, how to perform self care when you have to enforce them. Boundaries are hard work and they are always hard to set with someone who you used to have more narrow boundaries with. To help you with this challenge I really recommend you get a therapist that is well-versed with boundaries. You might have to "shop around" a little bit but I would really recommend that you find someone that can help you with this, because having a person who is on your team and who really understands the challenges you are facing will be incredibly helpful for you, I think. Finally, you might want to check out the book Joint Custody with a Jerk: Raising a Child with an Uncooperative Ex - A Hands-on, Practical Guide to Communicating with a Difficult Ex-Spouse - women that I knew in my support group who were in a similar situation said that it was helpful.

Best of luck.
posted by sockermom at 8:18 PM on March 6, 2015 [13 favorites]

"I just can’t seem to feel confident that I’ll be able to cope and recover from the termination and trauma of this relationship."

You don't seem to realize that you are already coping with trauma because you are downplaying it.

Several years ago I felt stuck in a place with terrible people. "felt" being the opporative word there because though I knew it was a toxic environment I somehow believed that I was managing despite all the trauma. And I felt that leaving the situation would only make my stress worse. I was wrong. The truth was I was so used to living in that toxic environment after being there for 2.5 years that I didn't realize just HOW traumatic it truly was. Once I left I finally got some perspective on how I was poisoning myself staying there.

I promise you the trauma you are afraid of will be a piece of cake compared to what you're going through on a daily basis now. And please think of your baby. Even very young children soak up bad energy in the home. This is not a healthy environment to raise a suggestible human being in.
posted by rancher at 9:16 PM on March 6, 2015 [1 favorite]

My ex moved out a week ago and it's so so much better. If you can't physicaly separate, get a lock for your bedroom door, take the baby and spend the day outside - physical separation and having your own space and time are hugely helpful.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 10:20 PM on March 6, 2015 [2 favorites]

He may or may not change with time, no one's in a position to say. But you have to behave, and make decisions, as if he won't. Because that is the reality now, and it's the most likely long-term outcome. Odds are, things will stay exactly the same for the foreseeable. He'll continue to drink, and be promiscuous, and just hurt you and your child, as long as you're with him. Go to some of the online forums relating to alchoholism, where partners of alcoholics talk. Many of them have been spinning through the same dramas for decades. Lifetimes. Into their old age. Because it is a sick and compelling dynamic. And the funny/not-so-funny thing is: all the stories are the same, no matter who the players are. It is a sickness grown from a sickness, that dynamic.

I don't have to tell you how bad it is for the little one to be around an unpredictable and volcanic father and a stressed and anxious mother. You know, with your rational mind, that it's a losing bet, and that it is not in your self-interest or in the interest of your child to stay with him.

That's too logical to make sense, though, when you're locked in and habituated and hopeful. So, even though he has his qualities (and even though his problems may be thought of a disease), for now, for your sake and your kid's sake, you can't afford to see his good side, or to look at him as a whole person. You have to focus on the moments when he's awful. Freeze them when they happen. Blow them up in your mind, meditate on them, shore them up.

Right now, it will help to think of him as a bad man. Or at least as a man who consistently does bad things. The reasons have to do with illness, yes. But you aren't the person to help him. You're already folded up in a story he's telling himself, and that isn't your role.

It won't ever be like the past again. You have to accept and mourn the loss of pleasanter times. They're gone and won't come back.

It will be easier when you leave. He's twisted you into something you're not, and it'll take a bit of time to remember who you are, but you will be fine.
posted by cotton dress sock at 11:23 PM on March 6, 2015 [4 favorites]

Have a strong mind & soft heart, as you do, and give it time.
posted by little_dog_laughing at 4:12 AM on March 7, 2015 [1 favorite]

Your anger and frustration are completely understandable, as is your hope that this person you love will get better. Please think of this through the lens of "what do I need" instead of beating yourself up. This sounds like a very difficult situation and I think anyone would feel the same in your shoes.
posted by deathpanels at 4:52 AM on March 7, 2015 [1 favorite]

I know an incredibly strong person who left an abusive alcoholic drug addicted man who was her middle school sweetheart with nothing but the clothes on her back and her 4 children.

she was my mother. she loved her children more and knew, believed in her heart to her core, that staying would hurt us and destroy any hopes for a good future. I'm completely 100% positive that my father would have killed her if she stayed. I'm proud she left him for our sakes. the wounds and scars he left will always be there, but they have healed and will one day fade.

if my mother had the strength, i know you can too. you may not see your situation as extreme, but think of what your future will be like in either case, if you stay or if you go. think of your child.
posted by lunastellasol at 10:46 AM on March 7, 2015 [4 favorites]

Response by poster: Loved reading all these so far, they all have been unique and helped provide me with different perspectives and experiences. Looking into the recommended readings and I'll keep rereading these responses when I need encouragement or clarity.

Taking all these to heart, thank you all for taking the time to share.
posted by aggielc at 4:16 PM on March 7, 2015 [1 favorite]

For me, changing outlook requires changing perspective which often means a time shift. We're so often told to stay in the present moment, blah blah blah, yes I think that's great when things are great. But sometimes you HAVE to think in the future in order to find hope. Then once that future goal is determined (get out of a relationship, find someone new, get a new job, etc) you can focus on what things you need to do now to get you to that future, better point. When I do this, the things I do now take on a whole different meaning and the hope of a better future makes now more bearable.
posted by thorny at 6:21 PM on March 7, 2015

Hi aggielc.

I see your conundrum. You need hope for yourself, to believe that you can help yourself, so that you can do the things you need to do to move forward. But you can't hope for him, because then you believe you can help him, and he's the only one who can help himself.

You've got enough data to know that hoping he'll change will likely lead to painful disappointment for you. And we know that life is unpredictable. Who knows how you'll feel tomorrow, where you'll be next year, or who will be important in your life and your baby's life? So it's hard to hope in him, or in future events. But you can have hope and faith in yourself. Like you wrote, you are a positive, calm person, who is taking responsibility for their child. You are seeking help from many sources. You can work on setting and enforcing boundaries, like sockermom suggested. So even though you can't change your feelings (either to stop hoping on him or to start feeling better about yourself), you can keep doing the work you're doing. And although it probably seems too dangerous to believe right now, if you keep on, time will dampen the ups and downs.
posted by MrBobinski at 6:49 PM on March 7, 2015

I am so sorry to hear about your struggles. This is so hard.

One thing I have seen over and over, when friends have left toxic relationships, is that they all eventually realize that they should have left sooner, that they stayed too long trying to make it work, hoping for change. I suspect the same will be true for you.
posted by islandeady at 11:50 AM on March 8, 2015 [2 favorites]

Hey, good on you. The steps you're taking are steps towards working on self-care, and focusing your efforts on things you can change. You should be hopeful about your own capabilities - you're putting in real work to take care of yourself and to ensure you move on from this relationship and have a better life.

You should be hopeful for yourself because you're doing the work to improve your circumstances in the areas you can control. There's no point in being hopeful for him because he's not doing anything close to that slow, painstaking, day-in and day-out rebuilding of coping skills that you are. Until and unless he someday finds his own motivation to commit to that, his life is unlikely to change for the better. Don't stall out on your own life changes waiting around on that chance. You've already got the motivation and the will, which is why I'm hopeful for you.
posted by deludingmyself at 2:07 PM on March 8, 2015