Help me see the bright sides of parenting an only child
January 30, 2015 7:46 AM Subscribe
I always thought I would have 2 children, despite "unexplained infertility". My husband and I have the most wonderful 3-year-old daughter, who was conceived via IUI on just our second attempt. 18 months ago we started trying to conceive a sibling for her...and after 5 failed IUIs, a failed IVF and finally a recent failed FET, we have decided to stop trying and accept our situation. Please help me see the positives in our situation, and if you have an only child (whether by choice or not), tell me what you like/dislike about it.
I am doing fine overall. I was devastated last spring after our failed IVF, but in the intervening 9 months I have really come a long way. We just had the failed FET and I handled it SO much better than last year's string of disappointments. My husband and I are both on the same page - we are done with fertility treatments, and don't want to consider adoption.
So far, I have come up with a decent list of positives: more attention available for our daughter; saving money that can be used for better experiences for our daughter, such as extracurriculars and travel; more freedom in living situations (only need 2 bedrooms); no more diapers or sleepless nights (the worst parts of parenting seem to be behind us now); more time for my husband and I to spend on our own hobbies since we aren't spread too thin with parenting multiple kids.
However, I still feel like I'm depriving our daughter of a great experience since she won't have any siblings. I worry about how she will feel when my husband and I are old and dying, and she has to handle it all on her own.
Can anyone who is either the parent of an only child, or an only child themselves, share your experiences?
I am doing fine overall. I was devastated last spring after our failed IVF, but in the intervening 9 months I have really come a long way. We just had the failed FET and I handled it SO much better than last year's string of disappointments. My husband and I are both on the same page - we are done with fertility treatments, and don't want to consider adoption.
So far, I have come up with a decent list of positives: more attention available for our daughter; saving money that can be used for better experiences for our daughter, such as extracurriculars and travel; more freedom in living situations (only need 2 bedrooms); no more diapers or sleepless nights (the worst parts of parenting seem to be behind us now); more time for my husband and I to spend on our own hobbies since we aren't spread too thin with parenting multiple kids.
However, I still feel like I'm depriving our daughter of a great experience since she won't have any siblings. I worry about how she will feel when my husband and I are old and dying, and she has to handle it all on her own.
Can anyone who is either the parent of an only child, or an only child themselves, share your experiences?
She won't have to handle your deaths on her own because she'll probably have her own family by that point. Plus, does she have cousins?
I think you have down the positives pretty well. Would add that with your spare energy, it will be easier for you to make friends with other families that have children her age, so she will have opportunities for some close friends through that.
posted by michaelh at 7:55 AM on January 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
I think you have down the positives pretty well. Would add that with your spare energy, it will be easier for you to make friends with other families that have children her age, so she will have opportunities for some close friends through that.
posted by michaelh at 7:55 AM on January 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
I was an only child. I find your question completely baffling. Why on EARTH would anyone want a sibling? That would have been, and still would be, my worst nightmare in every single conceivable way. Even now that I have older parents I'm thrilled. Honestly, brothers and sisters sound disgusting.
I know one really easy , inexpensive and much less invasive way for you to get your child one or more siblings! It has the added benefit of being a great thing to do for the world!
posted by RJ Reynolds at 7:56 AM on January 30, 2015 [31 favorites]
I know one really easy , inexpensive and much less invasive way for you to get your child one or more siblings! It has the added benefit of being a great thing to do for the world!
posted by RJ Reynolds at 7:56 AM on January 30, 2015 [31 favorites]
I'm an only child. I have never, ever regretted not having siblings.
Being an only meant, as you point out, that I have my parents' attention; that I was able to do some more costly hobbies growing up than I might have otherwise; that we were able to travel and go to cultural events. I am very close to my parents still. I occasionally have nightmares that they have decided to have another child, the impossibility of fertility aside.
What I tell my friends who are on the fence about having an only child (or, that is, deciding not to have a second) is: imagine your child turns out to be gifted in some area (harp! riding! mathematics! whatever!), and you are not able to encourage this because you simply don't have the time or money due to having other children. Your only will be able to have more enriching experiences than two would, and perhaps even attend better schools through college.
posted by fiercecupcake at 7:57 AM on January 30, 2015 [7 favorites]
Being an only meant, as you point out, that I have my parents' attention; that I was able to do some more costly hobbies growing up than I might have otherwise; that we were able to travel and go to cultural events. I am very close to my parents still. I occasionally have nightmares that they have decided to have another child, the impossibility of fertility aside.
What I tell my friends who are on the fence about having an only child (or, that is, deciding not to have a second) is: imagine your child turns out to be gifted in some area (harp! riding! mathematics! whatever!), and you are not able to encourage this because you simply don't have the time or money due to having other children. Your only will be able to have more enriching experiences than two would, and perhaps even attend better schools through college.
posted by fiercecupcake at 7:57 AM on January 30, 2015 [7 favorites]
As an only child:
- No tense relationship with siblings (about half my friends really didn't get along with theirs)
- Freedom to be my own person and not get constantly compared to another
- My own friends
- Lots of independent projects: in K-12, I wrote two books*, memorized hieroglyphics, read tons of books, did lots of drawings, etc.
- Because I interacted with my parents more, I was always good at interacting with adults
- My own personal space (I'm pretty sure I would have been introverted regardless--it runs in the family--and the thought of sharing a bedroom/backseat/etc. with another kid all the time was not an appealing one)
My parents also tried to have another child before and after me, but it didn't happen. I never thought to myself that I wanted a brother or sister, though. I think it might have been useful for me to have more interaction with younger kids (volunteering or something), but that's about it. It would have been cool to get to know my cousins, but they were a lot older than I was.
These days, many of my friends have had kids and stopped at one. I see a very strong, loving relationship between those parents and their kids. They know each other really well. It's awesome.
You can't guarantee anything about kids--whether siblings will get along or even continue speaking as adults, live near you in the future, like the same things that you like, etc. And every kid is going to have a basically unique experience growing up. So there's no way of telling what might have happened with more than one child, anyway. :)
*I'm not claiming they were GOOD or anything!
posted by wintersweet at 7:57 AM on January 30, 2015 [9 favorites]
- No tense relationship with siblings (about half my friends really didn't get along with theirs)
- Freedom to be my own person and not get constantly compared to another
- My own friends
- Lots of independent projects: in K-12, I wrote two books*, memorized hieroglyphics, read tons of books, did lots of drawings, etc.
- Because I interacted with my parents more, I was always good at interacting with adults
- My own personal space (I'm pretty sure I would have been introverted regardless--it runs in the family--and the thought of sharing a bedroom/backseat/etc. with another kid all the time was not an appealing one)
My parents also tried to have another child before and after me, but it didn't happen. I never thought to myself that I wanted a brother or sister, though. I think it might have been useful for me to have more interaction with younger kids (volunteering or something), but that's about it. It would have been cool to get to know my cousins, but they were a lot older than I was.
These days, many of my friends have had kids and stopped at one. I see a very strong, loving relationship between those parents and their kids. They know each other really well. It's awesome.
You can't guarantee anything about kids--whether siblings will get along or even continue speaking as adults, live near you in the future, like the same things that you like, etc. And every kid is going to have a basically unique experience growing up. So there's no way of telling what might have happened with more than one child, anyway. :)
*I'm not claiming they were GOOD or anything!
posted by wintersweet at 7:57 AM on January 30, 2015 [9 favorites]
Best answer: You seem to be favouring multiple-child families based on two assumptions.
1) There are many, many posts on Ask that demonstrate that for many children, their siblings were a nightmare.
2) You are assuming a second child would be as great as your daughter and would bring companionship and joy to her and to the two of you. Every child is a genetic crapshoot and you could end up with a kid who is an asshole. Or who has special needs you are not equipped to deal with. Or who is a sociopath.
Your daughter is her own person having her own life experience. Do her the favour of not diminishing it just because it doesn't mirror the sibling experience you and your husband had or dreamed of for her.
posted by DarlingBri at 7:58 AM on January 30, 2015 [43 favorites]
1) There are many, many posts on Ask that demonstrate that for many children, their siblings were a nightmare.
2) You are assuming a second child would be as great as your daughter and would bring companionship and joy to her and to the two of you. Every child is a genetic crapshoot and you could end up with a kid who is an asshole. Or who has special needs you are not equipped to deal with. Or who is a sociopath.
Your daughter is her own person having her own life experience. Do her the favour of not diminishing it just because it doesn't mirror the sibling experience you and your husband had or dreamed of for her.
posted by DarlingBri at 7:58 AM on January 30, 2015 [43 favorites]
Well, having a sibling is not always an entirely positive experience, and it's rarely positive all the time. I have a sister, and I love her, and we get along now. But she was also pretty much a nightmare to live with when we were both kids, and the times in my life where I've been to therapy, sooner or later we end up talking about my sister. My mother and her sister actively hate each other.
Honestly, I know there are a lot of stereotypes about only children, but many of the only children that I've known have been more well-adjusted than the people with siblings, certainly more well-adjusted than I am.
posted by Ragged Richard at 8:00 AM on January 30, 2015 [4 favorites]
Honestly, I know there are a lot of stereotypes about only children, but many of the only children that I've known have been more well-adjusted than the people with siblings, certainly more well-adjusted than I am.
posted by Ragged Richard at 8:00 AM on January 30, 2015 [4 favorites]
Well, I have an interesting perspective, because I was an only child till I was 10, when my parents adopted a four year old who became my sister. I was perfectly content as an only child, and I am sure I would have been fine, but I am glad, particularly now that I am older, that I have a sister (wondering why you have ruled out adoption?).
I'm related to a number of only children. What their parents did which I thought was very smart was look for other relatives to extend the family. In my husband's family, for example, there is a whole group of only children who, through the efforts of parents and grandparents, spent a lot of quality time with their cousins (and not just with their first cousins). As a result, they are all really close and the cousins function as surrogate siblings in a lot of ways.
In addition, with another family I know, the god parents really function as backups for the parents, rather than that being sort of symbolic role, and are close to the god child, which helps extend the circle of family.
posted by gudrun at 8:02 AM on January 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
I'm related to a number of only children. What their parents did which I thought was very smart was look for other relatives to extend the family. In my husband's family, for example, there is a whole group of only children who, through the efforts of parents and grandparents, spent a lot of quality time with their cousins (and not just with their first cousins). As a result, they are all really close and the cousins function as surrogate siblings in a lot of ways.
In addition, with another family I know, the god parents really function as backups for the parents, rather than that being sort of symbolic role, and are close to the god child, which helps extend the circle of family.
posted by gudrun at 8:02 AM on January 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Rather than focusing on how disappointed you are, consider the possibility that this is the family your daughter is meant to grow up in. Maybe she's meant to be an only child. Maybe she's going to have a lot of personal development and success because of that. That's the thought process my parents went through after my mom miscarried before and after I was born. I definitely wanted siblings (specifically a brother), but now that I am older I see that for me being an only child was how I was supposed to grow up. My parents 100% agree.
You and your spouse are wonderful parents to a lucky little girl. It will be okay.
posted by Hermione Granger at 8:05 AM on January 30, 2015 [8 favorites]
You and your spouse are wonderful parents to a lucky little girl. It will be okay.
posted by Hermione Granger at 8:05 AM on January 30, 2015 [8 favorites]
I have a couple of siblings but I'm much closer to two of my cousins. I'm also closer to several longtime friends than I am to my sibs; these friends are part of my family of choice and their kids are like cousins to my kids and extra nieces and nephews to me.
posted by mareli at 8:07 AM on January 30, 2015
posted by mareli at 8:07 AM on January 30, 2015
I'm an only child. I don't regret it, and I don't think I'm worse off than my friends with siblings. So many of my friends and acquaintances who do have siblings either don't get along with them or are outright estranged from them. My dad was estranged from his only brother. Then there are people with siblings who have severe problems such that the siblings won't ever be friends, and the "well" sibling has a responsibility rather than a companion.
Then you have the "caring for elderly parents" issue - my experience is that ONE sibling, usually a daughter, does most or all the caregiving, and then when the parent is dead, the other siblings all of a sudden are very interested in the estate. This never, ever ends well. I know an estate lawyer who says that fights over inheritances are sadly common AND a major cause of family estrangement. I was on my own caring for my parents as they got ill and died, BUT, I didn't have anyone to fight with over their care, I didn't have anyone to resent for not doing their share, and I didn't have any fights over the estate. That's more than can be said for many sibling groups.
Enjoy your only child and don't worry about her growing up spoiled or maladjusted. Don't try to "unspoil" her by being authoritarian or demanding. Model good social skills for her and support her in creating a family of choice. This may or may not include cousins, depending on your family configuration.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 8:09 AM on January 30, 2015 [7 favorites]
Then you have the "caring for elderly parents" issue - my experience is that ONE sibling, usually a daughter, does most or all the caregiving, and then when the parent is dead, the other siblings all of a sudden are very interested in the estate. This never, ever ends well. I know an estate lawyer who says that fights over inheritances are sadly common AND a major cause of family estrangement. I was on my own caring for my parents as they got ill and died, BUT, I didn't have anyone to fight with over their care, I didn't have anyone to resent for not doing their share, and I didn't have any fights over the estate. That's more than can be said for many sibling groups.
Enjoy your only child and don't worry about her growing up spoiled or maladjusted. Don't try to "unspoil" her by being authoritarian or demanding. Model good social skills for her and support her in creating a family of choice. This may or may not include cousins, depending on your family configuration.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 8:09 AM on January 30, 2015 [7 favorites]
Being an only child is the BEST! I am 31 and have never wanted for a sibling. I was not an intentional only child, but my mom got cancer and was told to have no more kids. Since I still have a mom, I think she made the right choice.
I have a great relationship with my parents, who were able to help me do things they could not have financially if I had a sibling. We took a big family vacation every year, spent lots of weekends at my grandparent's lake house, and I got to go to all sorts of fun sports and academic camps. My parents were worried about me being introverted/antisocial since that is the great fear most parents with onlys seem to have, so they enrolled me in scouts and classes at the Y and make sure I socialized with my friends outside of school. It was great!
I had a small adjustment period living with a roommate, and then a house full of sorority sisters, in college, but who doesn't? Most people where I grew up didn't share rooms so that wasn't a unique problem to an only.
My husband thinks it's a little weird how content I am to spend time alone, but he's gotten used to it. He comes from an enormous family (oldest of six) and his siblings all seemed very typecast - the smart one, the little mother, the goof off, etc. They get along remarkably well for a large sibling group but there's still so much unnecessary (IMO) friction between them about silly things.
posted by notjustthefish at 8:09 AM on January 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
I have a great relationship with my parents, who were able to help me do things they could not have financially if I had a sibling. We took a big family vacation every year, spent lots of weekends at my grandparent's lake house, and I got to go to all sorts of fun sports and academic camps. My parents were worried about me being introverted/antisocial since that is the great fear most parents with onlys seem to have, so they enrolled me in scouts and classes at the Y and make sure I socialized with my friends outside of school. It was great!
I had a small adjustment period living with a roommate, and then a house full of sorority sisters, in college, but who doesn't? Most people where I grew up didn't share rooms so that wasn't a unique problem to an only.
My husband thinks it's a little weird how content I am to spend time alone, but he's gotten used to it. He comes from an enormous family (oldest of six) and his siblings all seemed very typecast - the smart one, the little mother, the goof off, etc. They get along remarkably well for a large sibling group but there's still so much unnecessary (IMO) friction between them about silly things.
posted by notjustthefish at 8:09 AM on January 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
I'm in a bit of a funny situation in that I am both an only and part of a big family. At my mom's house, it was just me and her. At my dad's house, I was one of 6 and, briefly, 8 children (yes we were the Brady Bunch). So I'm saying these things from experience.
It's nice to have a parent or parents that you know are 100% on your side. It's nice to know that your stuff isn't going to get chewed on by a sibling. It seems that onlies are less likely to end up having "role" in the family--they can be the screw up one week and the good kid the next (I know families full of elderly siblings still replaying the same frustrating encounters from childhood.) It's nice to have the full attention of adults when you want it. It's nice to not be responsible for siblings either as a child or adult, beholden to their downs and jealous of their ups. It's nice to get to watch the TV shows you like sometimes. It's nice to not be in a situation where the loudest mouth gets the attention. Siblings *can* be close, but they can also hurt you worse than anyone but a parent. It's nice to be forced to define family more broadly than "the people that live under this roof"; I think this has strongly affected my worldview compared to my stepsiblings who always had siblings. For me, my family is pretty well everyone I care about, and if I needed help taking care of my mom I know that THAT family (which includes cousins and friends) would step up.
I do love the folks in my dad's family. I could list advantages there, too. But I really like the only child half of my life is the better half, and I am grateful to have it. Because of that, I've chosen to have one child. I really like spending time with him. Having another feels like a terrible gamble and a hard thing to put my kid through, not at all like a gift I am withholding. (I hope parents who have or want multiple children don't take this as judginess! I can understand how other families would come to different conclusions with the same data.)
posted by tchemgrrl at 8:09 AM on January 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
It's nice to have a parent or parents that you know are 100% on your side. It's nice to know that your stuff isn't going to get chewed on by a sibling. It seems that onlies are less likely to end up having "role" in the family--they can be the screw up one week and the good kid the next (I know families full of elderly siblings still replaying the same frustrating encounters from childhood.) It's nice to have the full attention of adults when you want it. It's nice to not be responsible for siblings either as a child or adult, beholden to their downs and jealous of their ups. It's nice to get to watch the TV shows you like sometimes. It's nice to not be in a situation where the loudest mouth gets the attention. Siblings *can* be close, but they can also hurt you worse than anyone but a parent. It's nice to be forced to define family more broadly than "the people that live under this roof"; I think this has strongly affected my worldview compared to my stepsiblings who always had siblings. For me, my family is pretty well everyone I care about, and if I needed help taking care of my mom I know that THAT family (which includes cousins and friends) would step up.
I do love the folks in my dad's family. I could list advantages there, too. But I really like the only child half of my life is the better half, and I am grateful to have it. Because of that, I've chosen to have one child. I really like spending time with him. Having another feels like a terrible gamble and a hard thing to put my kid through, not at all like a gift I am withholding. (I hope parents who have or want multiple children don't take this as judginess! I can understand how other families would come to different conclusions with the same data.)
posted by tchemgrrl at 8:09 AM on January 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
Best answer: I'm an only child and I'm so, so glad that I am. There are many reasons but I'll try to list the ones that come to mind (in no particular order.)
-my parents were able to spend money on my education and enrichment. Having one child wasn't financially easy, but having more would have limited my opportunities (and increased their worries) significantly.
-no fights with siblings as a kid or resentment/conflict with siblings as an adult.
-as an introvert, I love(d) that time with my family meant relaxing, quiet time.
-I'm very close with my mom now, which may not have happened if she'd had to spread her time thinner when I was young. Actually there was never a time I wasn't very close with her.
-my part in any decisions around my dad's death were mine alone, no siblings to disagree with.
-my role in helping my mom now (she sometimes needs to be driven places, or just generally helped with computer stuff and so on) is not a conflict as I've seen happen for friends with siblings. Same with her planning for the later years of her life, she only has to think of her and my needs, not several people.
-as a kid, school was horrible, I was so lucky that I had two attentive parents at home to make up for it (and no siblings who might torment me like school bullies.)
-no one to compare myself to in terms of who was prettier, got better grades, had more friends, etc.
-vacations, holidays, etc. - so simple, no stress.
-being around my parents and their friends a lot as a kid made me more mature at a young age. Which was good for me b/c I preferred talking to adults than other kids when I was really young.
-I've never felt like I had to compete for my parents love, time, or anything else.
There's probably more but that's all I can think of at the moment. If I ever have kid(s) I'll probably choose to have just one. I just like the dynamics of a little family of parents + kid.
posted by DestinationUnknown at 8:09 AM on January 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
-my parents were able to spend money on my education and enrichment. Having one child wasn't financially easy, but having more would have limited my opportunities (and increased their worries) significantly.
-no fights with siblings as a kid or resentment/conflict with siblings as an adult.
-as an introvert, I love(d) that time with my family meant relaxing, quiet time.
-I'm very close with my mom now, which may not have happened if she'd had to spread her time thinner when I was young. Actually there was never a time I wasn't very close with her.
-my part in any decisions around my dad's death were mine alone, no siblings to disagree with.
-my role in helping my mom now (she sometimes needs to be driven places, or just generally helped with computer stuff and so on) is not a conflict as I've seen happen for friends with siblings. Same with her planning for the later years of her life, she only has to think of her and my needs, not several people.
-as a kid, school was horrible, I was so lucky that I had two attentive parents at home to make up for it (and no siblings who might torment me like school bullies.)
-no one to compare myself to in terms of who was prettier, got better grades, had more friends, etc.
-vacations, holidays, etc. - so simple, no stress.
-being around my parents and their friends a lot as a kid made me more mature at a young age. Which was good for me b/c I preferred talking to adults than other kids when I was really young.
-I've never felt like I had to compete for my parents love, time, or anything else.
There's probably more but that's all I can think of at the moment. If I ever have kid(s) I'll probably choose to have just one. I just like the dynamics of a little family of parents + kid.
posted by DestinationUnknown at 8:09 AM on January 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Did anyone notice the part where the OP said her family does not want to adopt?
posted by DarlingBri at 8:10 AM on January 30, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by DarlingBri at 8:10 AM on January 30, 2015 [7 favorites]
I worry about how she will feel when my husband and I are old and dying, and she has to handle it all on her own.
I'm unmarried, an only child in my early thirties, and my parents are in average health but starting to show the signs of aging with various health crises, and this weighs on my mind heavily. It's not the emotional part that concerns me (I have friends to lean on), but the financial and the logistics. What if I have to pay for decades of nursing home care? They could never afford it on their own. It would crush me if I had to put them in a subpar state-run nursing home. I live several states away. What will happen when one parent dies? Who will check in on the other one or run to the grocery store for them?
I do feel somewhat constrained in my life choices because I worry about having to take care of them.
Take some of the money you would spend on your second child and put it towards your retirement fund now while you are relatively young and it will make a big difference down the line. Hire an excellent lawyer or accountant and set up whatever you need to so that your health expenses are taken care of when you age. Get good insurance. Keep your finances in order.
Also, if possible, have your child make friends with other only children. My other only child friends from growing up have been an invaluable emotional support as we start to deal with our parents aging. They understand.
posted by unannihilated at 8:12 AM on January 30, 2015 [21 favorites]
I'm unmarried, an only child in my early thirties, and my parents are in average health but starting to show the signs of aging with various health crises, and this weighs on my mind heavily. It's not the emotional part that concerns me (I have friends to lean on), but the financial and the logistics. What if I have to pay for decades of nursing home care? They could never afford it on their own. It would crush me if I had to put them in a subpar state-run nursing home. I live several states away. What will happen when one parent dies? Who will check in on the other one or run to the grocery store for them?
I do feel somewhat constrained in my life choices because I worry about having to take care of them.
Take some of the money you would spend on your second child and put it towards your retirement fund now while you are relatively young and it will make a big difference down the line. Hire an excellent lawyer or accountant and set up whatever you need to so that your health expenses are taken care of when you age. Get good insurance. Keep your finances in order.
Also, if possible, have your child make friends with other only children. My other only child friends from growing up have been an invaluable emotional support as we start to deal with our parents aging. They understand.
posted by unannihilated at 8:12 AM on January 30, 2015 [21 favorites]
Maybe One: A Case for Smaller Families is a book by Bill McKibben about the advantages of having a single child. Among other things, he exposes many of the supposed disadvantages as myths.
posted by alms at 8:22 AM on January 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by alms at 8:22 AM on January 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
I was an only child. BLF Jr has a (half) brother. I kinda wanted a sibling a little bit, but seeing brotherhood in action at close range, I honestly feel kinda sorry for Junior. Ask me again in twenty years if I still feel this way, but none of your objections make much sense to me. I've watched both of my own parents experience the fights over their parents' stuff with their own siblings. It sucked. I am so glad that the ancestral BLF home is just going straight to Junior without question or resentment or selling it to split the cash between siblings who cannot put their avarice aside for long enough to keep the house built by the 19th century patriarch in the family.
(YMMV)
posted by BrunoLatourFanclub at 8:23 AM on January 30, 2015
(YMMV)
posted by BrunoLatourFanclub at 8:23 AM on January 30, 2015
I don't see why there would any dark sides to it. It's just how life is. There are tons of single-child households. The most important thing is that you don't fall into the trap of a lot of parents who totally spoil their one child. It happens a lot. That's just a matter of keeping your daughter's head in the real world, which is just one of those parenting challenges. We're not talking about cats here, where it's often good to have two of them, so they play with each other in the long absences from their owners.
I grew up with a sister six years older than me, so I was practically a single child in terms of most of my formative experiences. However, I was involved in baseball and Boy Scouts, and I met almost all the best, closest, and most meaningful people my age in my life that way. I suggest stuff like that. When I reflect on my childhood, I sometimes wonder what it would have been like to have a brother or sister closer to my age, but I can't, in any way, guarantee it would have been better. My sister once locked me in a suitcase.
My blunt advice would be to recognize that you've been blessed with one daughter, and focus your energy into helping her become the best person she can be. Everything you've discussed about having a second child is theoretical at this juncture, and I would say that the emotions and effort put in to having one seems disproportionate to other things. The best family has nothing to do with meeting a certain number in the household and everything to do with cultivating a strong bond of mutual respect amongst all members, no matter how many there are.
posted by KinoAndHermes at 8:30 AM on January 30, 2015
I grew up with a sister six years older than me, so I was practically a single child in terms of most of my formative experiences. However, I was involved in baseball and Boy Scouts, and I met almost all the best, closest, and most meaningful people my age in my life that way. I suggest stuff like that. When I reflect on my childhood, I sometimes wonder what it would have been like to have a brother or sister closer to my age, but I can't, in any way, guarantee it would have been better. My sister once locked me in a suitcase.
My blunt advice would be to recognize that you've been blessed with one daughter, and focus your energy into helping her become the best person she can be. Everything you've discussed about having a second child is theoretical at this juncture, and I would say that the emotions and effort put in to having one seems disproportionate to other things. The best family has nothing to do with meeting a certain number in the household and everything to do with cultivating a strong bond of mutual respect amongst all members, no matter how many there are.
posted by KinoAndHermes at 8:30 AM on January 30, 2015
I have siblings, but my niece is an only child and I can't think of anyone more loved than that girl. Honestly, both situations seem great and I think it's always going to be a grass-is-greener situation. I wish my parents'd had enough money to send me to college so I wasn't still in debt today. I wish they'd had their full attention to devote to me so I didn't feel like I had to act out to get it or overachieve to be worthy of it. I wish my siblings hadn't tortured and mocked me all the time. I wouldn't trade them for the world, though. And it's beyond anyone's control anyway so you just have to work with what you got.
She won't be alone! She will have friends and classmates and relatives and coworkers and romantic partners and maybe a family of her own.
I think having an only daughter sounds lovely; I'd let her have lots of sleepovers when she's school-aged. And I'd want my place to be the house her BFF practically lived at.
posted by kapers at 8:32 AM on January 30, 2015
She won't be alone! She will have friends and classmates and relatives and coworkers and romantic partners and maybe a family of her own.
I think having an only daughter sounds lovely; I'd let her have lots of sleepovers when she's school-aged. And I'd want my place to be the house her BFF practically lived at.
posted by kapers at 8:32 AM on January 30, 2015
We have an only child. We originally planned to have multiple kids, but our hand was forced by a medical issue shortly after her birth. I think, though, that we might have chosen to stop at one anyway, though. She was a handful of an infant, and not much easier as a toddler (though she's been the best kid since then). My brother and stepsister have two kids apiece, and when I look at the parenting struggles they have to deal with that we never had to, I am SO GLAD we didn't have more. Sibling rivalry is a real thing, and sharing is hard, even for older kids. When they try to have one-on-one time with their kids to assuage their guilt that each kid isn't getting enough individual attention, the other one throws an absolute fit most of the time, and so they feel guilty about that. From what I can see, having two kids is way more than twice the work of having one.
A bunch of people have mentioned cousins as sibling replacements, and that's true, but friends can also fill that void. My 13-year-old has a BFF that she is like a sister to, and her friend has multiple younger sibs, so she really gets the "big family experience" when she spends time at their house. They love each other intensely, but they fight like sisters do sometimes, and it's nice to be able to get a break from the other person when you need one that is more than just going to another room.
Obviously, having multiple kids is great in other ways, and I don't think either is inherently superior to the other, but there are PLENTY of benefits to having one child.
posted by Rock Steady at 8:33 AM on January 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
A bunch of people have mentioned cousins as sibling replacements, and that's true, but friends can also fill that void. My 13-year-old has a BFF that she is like a sister to, and her friend has multiple younger sibs, so she really gets the "big family experience" when she spends time at their house. They love each other intensely, but they fight like sisters do sometimes, and it's nice to be able to get a break from the other person when you need one that is more than just going to another room.
Obviously, having multiple kids is great in other ways, and I don't think either is inherently superior to the other, but there are PLENTY of benefits to having one child.
posted by Rock Steady at 8:33 AM on January 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
My sibling and I are not and have never been close. I resented her and outright hated her for most of my childhood. As adults we are friendlier, but we're still not really friends, not really. If I'm being honest, I do love her, but I wish I had been an only.
I worry about how she will feel when my husband and I are old and dying, and she has to handle it all on her own.
She might have to handle it on her own anyways--when the time comes, this hypothetical sibling could live on another continent, or be completely uninterested in helping, or be disabled or an addict or otherwise unable to help. For that matter, any of those things could be true of your daughter as well. I know that seems harsh, but it's a reality that many children do not or cannot provide much care for their aging parents. The best thing you can do in that regard is make the best arrangements you can for yourself, legally and financially--that will help both her and you.
You have a good thing. There is no reason to think the alternatives would be better.
posted by epanalepsis at 8:34 AM on January 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
I worry about how she will feel when my husband and I are old and dying, and she has to handle it all on her own.
She might have to handle it on her own anyways--when the time comes, this hypothetical sibling could live on another continent, or be completely uninterested in helping, or be disabled or an addict or otherwise unable to help. For that matter, any of those things could be true of your daughter as well. I know that seems harsh, but it's a reality that many children do not or cannot provide much care for their aging parents. The best thing you can do in that regard is make the best arrangements you can for yourself, legally and financially--that will help both her and you.
You have a good thing. There is no reason to think the alternatives would be better.
posted by epanalepsis at 8:34 AM on January 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
I grew up with two older brothers and now I have an only child. Like you, I sort of always assumed I'd have two (you can race 'em!) but my wife was 42 when we had the first one so we sort of felt having another would be pushing our luck. As you know, there are downsides and upsides to it but in the end it's neither better nor worse. It just is what it is.
You've already covered a lot, but here's a few things off the top of my head. Keep in mind some of what I might attribute to being caused by being an only child might just be his personality and would be the same either way.
Downsides:
Requires more attention. No siblings to play or hang out with. My wife and I are the primary playmates if there's no friend around. We're happy to play with him, sure, but sometimes it gets exhausting. Less so now that he's older.
He's not always great at sharing.
He's not good with losing games. I lost every game I ever played with my older brothers and they let me know it. As an adult I'm great with losing and actually rather expect it. Keeps my expectations low.
As a parent you only get one chance at everything. You learn from doing, so once you've gone through a phase you now know how to deal with that phase pretty well but you don't have any reason to do it again.
Although your child might one day have his own family to assist, as you said it's on her to take care of you when you're older. Then again, I have two brothers and I'm pretty much stuck taking care of my mother by myself anyway. Don't get me started...
There is no older child to mentor a younger child. I'm told this actually happens in some families, though it never happened in mine. It sure sounds nice.
I'm told some siblings actually have shit in common with each other and hang out with each other now and then. That sure sounds nice.
Upsides:
No sibling fights. I'm 45 and I still argue with my brothers. As a kid it was awful. My brothers and I basically hated each other until the day we moved out of the house. We get along now but the lingering resentment is huge.
Cheaper. You only need one of everything.
Requires less living space. We have a two bedroom house and it's plenty big enough.
One of my brothers beat me, stole from me, blackmailed me, and was generally horrible to me when we were teenagers. Fuck that noise.
Once you're done with diapers, or any phase, you're DONE. No more cleaning poop from the walls.
You only have one baseball/soccer/boy scout meeting/THING to go to at a time. So many baseball games we'd see parents that had to divide their time between different fields or just miss one of their kid's games.
Your kid is what he is. He doesn't get compared to any other sibling. "Boy, his brother was never like this..."
No sibling fights.
NO SIBLING FIGHTS.
No older/younger sibling issues or drama.
When your daughter is 45 she won't fill an internet posting with not-so-subtle bitterness about the shit her older siblings put her through her whole life.
posted by bondcliff at 8:39 AM on January 30, 2015 [4 favorites]
You've already covered a lot, but here's a few things off the top of my head. Keep in mind some of what I might attribute to being caused by being an only child might just be his personality and would be the same either way.
Downsides:
Requires more attention. No siblings to play or hang out with. My wife and I are the primary playmates if there's no friend around. We're happy to play with him, sure, but sometimes it gets exhausting. Less so now that he's older.
He's not always great at sharing.
He's not good with losing games. I lost every game I ever played with my older brothers and they let me know it. As an adult I'm great with losing and actually rather expect it. Keeps my expectations low.
As a parent you only get one chance at everything. You learn from doing, so once you've gone through a phase you now know how to deal with that phase pretty well but you don't have any reason to do it again.
Although your child might one day have his own family to assist, as you said it's on her to take care of you when you're older. Then again, I have two brothers and I'm pretty much stuck taking care of my mother by myself anyway. Don't get me started...
There is no older child to mentor a younger child. I'm told this actually happens in some families, though it never happened in mine. It sure sounds nice.
I'm told some siblings actually have shit in common with each other and hang out with each other now and then. That sure sounds nice.
Upsides:
No sibling fights. I'm 45 and I still argue with my brothers. As a kid it was awful. My brothers and I basically hated each other until the day we moved out of the house. We get along now but the lingering resentment is huge.
Cheaper. You only need one of everything.
Requires less living space. We have a two bedroom house and it's plenty big enough.
One of my brothers beat me, stole from me, blackmailed me, and was generally horrible to me when we were teenagers. Fuck that noise.
Once you're done with diapers, or any phase, you're DONE. No more cleaning poop from the walls.
You only have one baseball/soccer/boy scout meeting/THING to go to at a time. So many baseball games we'd see parents that had to divide their time between different fields or just miss one of their kid's games.
Your kid is what he is. He doesn't get compared to any other sibling. "Boy, his brother was never like this..."
No sibling fights.
NO SIBLING FIGHTS.
No older/younger sibling issues or drama.
When your daughter is 45 she won't fill an internet posting with not-so-subtle bitterness about the shit her older siblings put her through her whole life.
posted by bondcliff at 8:39 AM on January 30, 2015 [4 favorites]
A few more thoughts on siblings. Both of my parents had one sibling, and they were not close to them as adults. All my friends growing up had siblings, they were either younger and pesky and my friends tried to get them to go away, or older and not around much, off doing their bigger kid stuff. As an adult, I've observed that female (especially single) grown children are responsible for aging parents, while their male (especially married) siblings get a pass.
I'm sure that sometimes none of this is the case and everyone's close and helps each other out. I'm just saying it's not a guarantee.
posted by DestinationUnknown at 8:41 AM on January 30, 2015
I'm sure that sometimes none of this is the case and everyone's close and helps each other out. I'm just saying it's not a guarantee.
posted by DestinationUnknown at 8:41 AM on January 30, 2015
I worry about how she will feel when my husband and I are old and dying, and she has to handle it all on her own.
This was a serious concern of mine when my husband and I decided our kid was going to be a one and only. When my grandmother died, I watched my mom and her siblings at the funeral home being there for each other, and thought "my son will never experience that."
But then I realized that even if he had siblings, he may not have that. They may not get along, they may become estranged, etc.
It might be justification, but it satisfied me.
posted by Lucinda at 8:43 AM on January 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
This was a serious concern of mine when my husband and I decided our kid was going to be a one and only. When my grandmother died, I watched my mom and her siblings at the funeral home being there for each other, and thought "my son will never experience that."
But then I realized that even if he had siblings, he may not have that. They may not get along, they may become estranged, etc.
It might be justification, but it satisfied me.
posted by Lucinda at 8:43 AM on January 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
From a parent's standpoint, and being the mother of a 19-year-old only son, I can't imagine paying for the upbringing of two children. I either would have been very stressed or had to alter my lifestyle considerably to pay for two. They are very expensive, and I would not say my son has been spoiled with possessions. He is actually quite frugal. He is a sponsored skateboarder and has a large circle of pro and am skateboarders who use Los Angeles as their playground. He still lives with me while he attends Santa Monica College until he finishes his 60 credits to go onto a very expensive college (for which I will have to pay tuition, housing and living expenses). This is to say he is socially well adjusted with a large circle of buddies and he and I have an absolutely fabulous relationship (with his dad, who doesn't live with us, there is friction).
The secret to not worrying about how they will provide for you as you age (if it comes to that), is to set them up with a nice source of income. We have done that with housing. If we are no longer able to care for ourselves, he will always have rental income from our properties to pay for our care. Despite the fact that I came from a family with four siblings, it was still a burden during that relatively brief period of time for my sister and I to care for our dying parents. During the time that my dad was dying (after my mother passed), he paid for my sister to quit her job so she wasn't so stressed between working and caring for him and thus. This is responsible parenting.
posted by zagyzebra at 8:43 AM on January 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
The secret to not worrying about how they will provide for you as you age (if it comes to that), is to set them up with a nice source of income. We have done that with housing. If we are no longer able to care for ourselves, he will always have rental income from our properties to pay for our care. Despite the fact that I came from a family with four siblings, it was still a burden during that relatively brief period of time for my sister and I to care for our dying parents. During the time that my dad was dying (after my mother passed), he paid for my sister to quit her job so she wasn't so stressed between working and caring for him and thus. This is responsible parenting.
posted by zagyzebra at 8:43 AM on January 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
Single child here.
Advantages (from the inside perspective):
* More fun times with parents.
* My stuff belongs to me only.
* Nobody interferes when I'm doing a long-term project (like building a Lego castle), or destroys my stuff, or draws in my books, or rips pages out of them.
* Learning about grown-up things and activities, which at a certain age is really fun and important (...around seven I think I recall), is easier as I'm already attuned to that world.
* Learning to take responsibility is easier as the consequences of my own actions are directly visible for me, and there's no mess of sibling's pointing fingers and obscuring strategies.
* Contemplation and quiet are learned to be seen as positive qualities, not as boring downtime.
There are more, but let's move to the disadvantages, many of them avoidable:
* More parent attention, like, ALL THE TIME. This is terribly stifling, and parents must try to avoid that to happen.
* Departure scenes after cousins and kids of friends have been visiting for a stretch of time tend to be really sad.
* One does not easily learn how to play Tennis/Pingpong/Badminton/etc., etc. on one's own, other kids in the same age group are quickly ahead of the game (pun intended) and that hurts. A lot.
* The noise and chaos at school is, and stays, excruciating for someone who's used to quiet and being undisturbed.
* The Machiavellian Sandbox, as I'll call it for shortness, is often utterly incomprehensible for only children. Only child asks her/himself: "why do these kids even DO this kind of stuff (like pretending to be friends and then kicking down each other's sandcastle, hitting each other for no good reason, etc.; also: taking really stupid risks with no clear awareness of the consequences.)
* Misdirected parent's friend-, aunt- or uncle-attention who have views about the "unhealthy" triangle dynamic of single children and their parents.
* One tends to attach oneself to older friends, which is a good thing to unlearn at a given moment, otherwise one will end up very lonely.
* Yeah, and on the basis of recent experiences, you do take more of the emotional brunt when a parent dies. On the positive side there are no late-in-life sibling-battles about the inheritance.
posted by Namlit at 8:52 AM on January 30, 2015 [4 favorites]
Advantages (from the inside perspective):
* More fun times with parents.
* My stuff belongs to me only.
* Nobody interferes when I'm doing a long-term project (like building a Lego castle), or destroys my stuff, or draws in my books, or rips pages out of them.
* Learning about grown-up things and activities, which at a certain age is really fun and important (...around seven I think I recall), is easier as I'm already attuned to that world.
* Learning to take responsibility is easier as the consequences of my own actions are directly visible for me, and there's no mess of sibling's pointing fingers and obscuring strategies.
* Contemplation and quiet are learned to be seen as positive qualities, not as boring downtime.
There are more, but let's move to the disadvantages, many of them avoidable:
* More parent attention, like, ALL THE TIME. This is terribly stifling, and parents must try to avoid that to happen.
* Departure scenes after cousins and kids of friends have been visiting for a stretch of time tend to be really sad.
* One does not easily learn how to play Tennis/Pingpong/Badminton/etc., etc. on one's own, other kids in the same age group are quickly ahead of the game (pun intended) and that hurts. A lot.
* The noise and chaos at school is, and stays, excruciating for someone who's used to quiet and being undisturbed.
* The Machiavellian Sandbox, as I'll call it for shortness, is often utterly incomprehensible for only children. Only child asks her/himself: "why do these kids even DO this kind of stuff (like pretending to be friends and then kicking down each other's sandcastle, hitting each other for no good reason, etc.; also: taking really stupid risks with no clear awareness of the consequences.)
* Misdirected parent's friend-, aunt- or uncle-attention who have views about the "unhealthy" triangle dynamic of single children and their parents.
* One tends to attach oneself to older friends, which is a good thing to unlearn at a given moment, otherwise one will end up very lonely.
* Yeah, and on the basis of recent experiences, you do take more of the emotional brunt when a parent dies. On the positive side there are no late-in-life sibling-battles about the inheritance.
posted by Namlit at 8:52 AM on January 30, 2015 [4 favorites]
Zagyzebra is right - the best thing you can do for your child as far as your old age is concerned is to prepare for it now. A lot of the financial issues are a matter of luck (as they were with my parents - they both had good pensions and benefits, and my mom got a sizable inheritance) - but you can do your best with what you have. A session with a fee-only financial planner is a godsend for this. Have your will and advance directives prepared. Figure out where you want to live when you retire, and don't expect to age in place if you are going to need tons of help that your daughter will have to provide (or feel she has to provide)!
There is one disadvantage of having an only child, that isn't one most people think of, and doesn't apply to everyone, but: If you crave grandchildren, and your only child is adamantly childfree (represent!) then you are SOL. I don't think that's a good reason to have more than one child, but I think it is something you want to contemplate - what will you do if your child doesn't want children of her own? Because, again in my experience, only children are somewhat more likely to be childless by choice. Nagging or guilt-tripping or whining "wheeeeere are my graaaaandchillldrennnn?" is NOT an option. If you wind up with a grandchild-shaped hole in your heart you can fill it with volunteering or foster grandchildren or the children of family and friends.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 8:53 AM on January 30, 2015
There is one disadvantage of having an only child, that isn't one most people think of, and doesn't apply to everyone, but: If you crave grandchildren, and your only child is adamantly childfree (represent!) then you are SOL. I don't think that's a good reason to have more than one child, but I think it is something you want to contemplate - what will you do if your child doesn't want children of her own? Because, again in my experience, only children are somewhat more likely to be childless by choice. Nagging or guilt-tripping or whining "wheeeeere are my graaaaandchillldrennnn?" is NOT an option. If you wind up with a grandchild-shaped hole in your heart you can fill it with volunteering or foster grandchildren or the children of family and friends.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 8:53 AM on January 30, 2015
I'm an only child. So is manmillipede. So is bestfriendmillipede. So were most highschoolfriendsofmillipede. I've been close to many, many only children, because I think only children get each other in a certain way, and I haven't known any only children who regretted their fate as onlies.
It's a different experience, but I don't think it is objectively worse or better. Only children have some advantages over siblinged children, and vice versa. The only times I hated being an only were family vacations in middle school, when I had to go everywhere with my parents because I didn't have a tribe of siblings to trot around with.
Good things:
-I remember appreciating how clean and calm my house always was compared to houses where there were lots of kids.
-Due to lack of lobbying from more than one kid, I ate a lot healthier than most of my siblinged peers (one kid demanding squeeze-its is easy to ignore; four kids demanding squeeze-its is harder to ignore). I also did a lot less "kid friendly" things, because my parents didn't have to plan to go to places that would tolerate a cavalcade of loud children, or places that were affordable for a big family. I have never had a McDonalds chicken nugget, but I was eating sushi at 5.
-I learned to entertain myself. All the only children I know are remarkably adept at this. I am never bored. I do not need people around to not be bored. Obviously people with siblings can be like this too, but I think only children develop it earlier and possibly to a greater extent.
- I was academically precocious as a kid, and I think this is mostly because my parents had the time to spend with me to teach me how to read and do math really early.
- I got to go to private school and private college and I have no loans. This would not have been financially feasible if I had had siblings...well, maybe one, but definitely not two. I'm not saying private school and private college is better than public, but not having college loans was huge.
Bad things (that are controllable, and not necessarily 100% linked to being an only):
-I never learned how to take teasing. I am 33 and I still hate being teased. Maybe early sibling teasing could have taken this out of me. But maybe not.
-Sharing space in college was extremely hard for me. I probably should have been sent to sleepaway camp when I was little (manmillipede was, and he reports he was better at sharing space in college than I was--although I think now that we share space with each other, as adults, we are equally adept).
-When people my age talk about tv and movies and games that were allegedly popular when we were little, I often have no idea what they are talking about. I think part of this may be a lack of "kid culture" in my household--but that can also be controlled for, and I'm not 100% sure it's a bad thing that I've never seen "saved by the bell" or owned a video game system.
posted by millipede at 8:56 AM on January 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
It's a different experience, but I don't think it is objectively worse or better. Only children have some advantages over siblinged children, and vice versa. The only times I hated being an only were family vacations in middle school, when I had to go everywhere with my parents because I didn't have a tribe of siblings to trot around with.
Good things:
-I remember appreciating how clean and calm my house always was compared to houses where there were lots of kids.
-Due to lack of lobbying from more than one kid, I ate a lot healthier than most of my siblinged peers (one kid demanding squeeze-its is easy to ignore; four kids demanding squeeze-its is harder to ignore). I also did a lot less "kid friendly" things, because my parents didn't have to plan to go to places that would tolerate a cavalcade of loud children, or places that were affordable for a big family. I have never had a McDonalds chicken nugget, but I was eating sushi at 5.
-I learned to entertain myself. All the only children I know are remarkably adept at this. I am never bored. I do not need people around to not be bored. Obviously people with siblings can be like this too, but I think only children develop it earlier and possibly to a greater extent.
- I was academically precocious as a kid, and I think this is mostly because my parents had the time to spend with me to teach me how to read and do math really early.
- I got to go to private school and private college and I have no loans. This would not have been financially feasible if I had had siblings...well, maybe one, but definitely not two. I'm not saying private school and private college is better than public, but not having college loans was huge.
Bad things (that are controllable, and not necessarily 100% linked to being an only):
-I never learned how to take teasing. I am 33 and I still hate being teased. Maybe early sibling teasing could have taken this out of me. But maybe not.
-Sharing space in college was extremely hard for me. I probably should have been sent to sleepaway camp when I was little (manmillipede was, and he reports he was better at sharing space in college than I was--although I think now that we share space with each other, as adults, we are equally adept).
-When people my age talk about tv and movies and games that were allegedly popular when we were little, I often have no idea what they are talking about. I think part of this may be a lack of "kid culture" in my household--but that can also be controlled for, and I'm not 100% sure it's a bad thing that I've never seen "saved by the bell" or owned a video game system.
posted by millipede at 8:56 AM on January 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I grew up as an only child, and really really really wanted siblings. My parents, like you, wanted more children but couldn't, and I think I always knew that I wasn't supposed to be an only. There were good and bad things about being an only, just as there are good and bad things about having siblings.
For every benefit, there is a downside, and for every negative, there is an upside.
I didn't have to share -- but never learned how to share well (not good with roommates). I never had anyone to blame things on -- good for the parent. I was lonely sometimes, but learned to deal with lots of time on my hands and am generally a creative person. I still get jealous when I see people who are (as adults) close with their siblings, including my 1st cousins. Since I didn't have any siblings, all of my parents' hopes and dreams were turned to me, so there was a lot of expectation for me to succeed and a lot of parental support. This was nice when I needed it, but also meant I didn't have much room for failure. I am very close to my parents now, but as a teen was constantly fighting with them (more so than my friends who had siblings to fight with). You'll never have to pick sides. When I got teased in school, I didn't have an older sibling to stand up for me. Although my cousins live far away, I am very close to all my 1st cousins and some of my second cousins.
The biggest thing I disliked about being an only child was feeling like I was missing out that very close relationship you get with your siblings. This was minimized somewhat by having good cousin relationships (I have one set of 4 girl cousins and I'm the "fifth sister" but they live 6 hours away). I have concerns for my own future children because my boyfriend is also an only. I want to live near some of my 1st cousins who plan for children around the same time so our kids will still have the cousin experience. If you have nieces and nephews, make sure your kid gets to see them a lot! You could even have them come stay with you for a summer!
Make sure your kid gets lots of socialization and makes friends. Let her bff's become her sisters. You don't need a biological sibling to have those special, close, sibling-like relationships. Encourage sleepovers early and often.
I think most of all you need to remember that there is no "right way" to be raised. Some people are only's, some have twins, some have 8 siblings, some have 4 step-parents and 10 half-/step-siblings. Some have a dead parent, some hate their parents, some have abusive siblings, some are poor, some are privileged, some go to private school, some go to public. The important thing is that you love your kid and provide the opportunity and support for them that you can, and it doesn't matter in the end because you'll have raised a wonderful kid who values and loves you and who you value and love.
posted by DoubleLune at 9:22 AM on January 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
For every benefit, there is a downside, and for every negative, there is an upside.
I didn't have to share -- but never learned how to share well (not good with roommates). I never had anyone to blame things on -- good for the parent. I was lonely sometimes, but learned to deal with lots of time on my hands and am generally a creative person. I still get jealous when I see people who are (as adults) close with their siblings, including my 1st cousins. Since I didn't have any siblings, all of my parents' hopes and dreams were turned to me, so there was a lot of expectation for me to succeed and a lot of parental support. This was nice when I needed it, but also meant I didn't have much room for failure. I am very close to my parents now, but as a teen was constantly fighting with them (more so than my friends who had siblings to fight with). You'll never have to pick sides. When I got teased in school, I didn't have an older sibling to stand up for me. Although my cousins live far away, I am very close to all my 1st cousins and some of my second cousins.
The biggest thing I disliked about being an only child was feeling like I was missing out that very close relationship you get with your siblings. This was minimized somewhat by having good cousin relationships (I have one set of 4 girl cousins and I'm the "fifth sister" but they live 6 hours away). I have concerns for my own future children because my boyfriend is also an only. I want to live near some of my 1st cousins who plan for children around the same time so our kids will still have the cousin experience. If you have nieces and nephews, make sure your kid gets to see them a lot! You could even have them come stay with you for a summer!
Make sure your kid gets lots of socialization and makes friends. Let her bff's become her sisters. You don't need a biological sibling to have those special, close, sibling-like relationships. Encourage sleepovers early and often.
I think most of all you need to remember that there is no "right way" to be raised. Some people are only's, some have twins, some have 8 siblings, some have 4 step-parents and 10 half-/step-siblings. Some have a dead parent, some hate their parents, some have abusive siblings, some are poor, some are privileged, some go to private school, some go to public. The important thing is that you love your kid and provide the opportunity and support for them that you can, and it doesn't matter in the end because you'll have raised a wonderful kid who values and loves you and who you value and love.
posted by DoubleLune at 9:22 AM on January 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
I am an only child, and so is my husband. I loved being an only child so much that I would once in a while wake up crying from a nightmare in which my parents told me they were having another child. My parents and I are extremely close. I was able to go to university and grad school and am not in debt, because they had the funds to do so. We were able to go on wonderful trips together. We have NEVER fought. (When I say this to people, they think I am lying. I am not. I can tell you about the one half-fight we once had when there was a miscommunication about where I was getting picked up and mom thought I had gone missing, because it was the ONE TIME I was half-in-trouble except we all agreed it was nobody's "fault.") If I'd had siblings, being an overachiever already, I would have felt very competitive with them, and I think my relationship with my parents would have suffered.
I did have cousins a few hours away, which was plenty of sibling-like interaction for me. My parents also let me have a pair of kittens, which I preferred to siblings.
To this day, I am very comfortable entertaining myself and being alone, but I also have tons of friends and love going out. I had so many enriching experiences with my parents that I didn't have to share, but since my parents emphasized giving and sharing, I'd like to think I'm not too spoiled.
My parents have only one child, but they really have dozens of children, because my house was the "party" house growing up, and friends were welcomed over. When a friend of mine was being given nothing but a coffee-flavoured yogurt for lunch every day, mom sent extra food with me so he'd be fed. I was never embarrassed about having my parents at home for parties, though they gave me my space when necessary. My parents and my friends have always talked, and my mom probably knows some of my friends as well or better than I do. If you want more "children," there will always be friends of your child who need some extra love. My parents are so, so loved in return by everyone who grew up with me.
posted by ilana at 9:31 AM on January 30, 2015 [4 favorites]
I did have cousins a few hours away, which was plenty of sibling-like interaction for me. My parents also let me have a pair of kittens, which I preferred to siblings.
To this day, I am very comfortable entertaining myself and being alone, but I also have tons of friends and love going out. I had so many enriching experiences with my parents that I didn't have to share, but since my parents emphasized giving and sharing, I'd like to think I'm not too spoiled.
My parents have only one child, but they really have dozens of children, because my house was the "party" house growing up, and friends were welcomed over. When a friend of mine was being given nothing but a coffee-flavoured yogurt for lunch every day, mom sent extra food with me so he'd be fed. I was never embarrassed about having my parents at home for parties, though they gave me my space when necessary. My parents and my friends have always talked, and my mom probably knows some of my friends as well or better than I do. If you want more "children," there will always be friends of your child who need some extra love. My parents are so, so loved in return by everyone who grew up with me.
posted by ilana at 9:31 AM on January 30, 2015 [4 favorites]
What if I have to pay for decades of nursing home care? They could never afford it on their own. It would crush me if I had to put them in a subpar state-run nursing home. I live several states away. What will happen when one parent dies? Who will check in on the other one or run to the grocery store for them?
I do feel somewhat constrained in my life choices because I worry about having to take care of them.
This worries me, too, but having siblings is no guarantee that the burden will be shared. If anything, it may still wind up being one kid's burden with the added bonus of resenting the other siblings. I know several families where one adult kid has a job and a family, and the other is barely scraping by, or where one lives close to home and the others are scattered around the globe with no intention to come back, or where one is emotionally chose to the parents and the other says the parents were abusive and won't speak to them, or where one is in good health and the other is worse off than the aging parents, etc. etc. And that's without getting into divorces, deaths, etc.
So the best thing that parents can do, whether they have many kids or one, is prepare for themselves.
posted by wintersweet at 9:32 AM on January 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
I do feel somewhat constrained in my life choices because I worry about having to take care of them.
This worries me, too, but having siblings is no guarantee that the burden will be shared. If anything, it may still wind up being one kid's burden with the added bonus of resenting the other siblings. I know several families where one adult kid has a job and a family, and the other is barely scraping by, or where one lives close to home and the others are scattered around the globe with no intention to come back, or where one is emotionally chose to the parents and the other says the parents were abusive and won't speak to them, or where one is in good health and the other is worse off than the aging parents, etc. etc. And that's without getting into divorces, deaths, etc.
So the best thing that parents can do, whether they have many kids or one, is prepare for themselves.
posted by wintersweet at 9:32 AM on January 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Howdy. I'm really sorry things didn't work out for you. They didn't work out for me, either. I came down with pre-eclampsia during my pregnancy and had to deliver a preemie. I decided to not put myself through that again so we were one and done.
I'm the eldest of three children. I didn't know any other way to grow up. But I never got my own room till I finished college and moved out on my own. I never got my own bathroom at home. I always had to share space with someone else, and when there's 5 people in an 1100 sq ft home, it's not easy. Interestingly, my two best friends growing up were only children. I was envious of the attention they received and thought, that is the life! I'm still friends with them, by the way--they both lead very interesting and independent lives.
Now, I have one child. She's 6. I know for a fact that I cannot afford to have another child without very drastic lifestyle changes that I'm just not interested in. We are able to travel twice a year to have a nice week's vacation at the beach, or Disneyworld. (That's something I never got to do as a kid--camping was our vacation, and thus I prefer to not do it now.) My house is relatively clean and neat. I am able to devote time to volunteer with my daughter's activities. I'm not sure that would be possible if I had more than one child.
I love how independent she is. She befriends children at school like it's her job. She's not lacking in any way. But she's also pretty intense, and I don't know if I'd have the psychic or physical energy to work with another one just like her.
We just like having one. In no way do I feel like I'm missing out on anything as a parent, or that my daughter is missing out on anything as a child.
posted by FergieBelle at 9:36 AM on January 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'm the eldest of three children. I didn't know any other way to grow up. But I never got my own room till I finished college and moved out on my own. I never got my own bathroom at home. I always had to share space with someone else, and when there's 5 people in an 1100 sq ft home, it's not easy. Interestingly, my two best friends growing up were only children. I was envious of the attention they received and thought, that is the life! I'm still friends with them, by the way--they both lead very interesting and independent lives.
Now, I have one child. She's 6. I know for a fact that I cannot afford to have another child without very drastic lifestyle changes that I'm just not interested in. We are able to travel twice a year to have a nice week's vacation at the beach, or Disneyworld. (That's something I never got to do as a kid--camping was our vacation, and thus I prefer to not do it now.) My house is relatively clean and neat. I am able to devote time to volunteer with my daughter's activities. I'm not sure that would be possible if I had more than one child.
I love how independent she is. She befriends children at school like it's her job. She's not lacking in any way. But she's also pretty intense, and I don't know if I'd have the psychic or physical energy to work with another one just like her.
We just like having one. In no way do I feel like I'm missing out on anything as a parent, or that my daughter is missing out on anything as a child.
posted by FergieBelle at 9:36 AM on January 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
Like many above have said, siblings can be extremely difficult for a variety of reasons. One thing that I think hasn't been mentioned is that parents often can't help to like/love/favor one sibling, especially if there are only two. The parents try to hide it but the least-liked one always knows, knows the parents can't help it, and it can be very painful for the child.
posted by Punctual at 9:37 AM on January 30, 2015
posted by Punctual at 9:37 AM on January 30, 2015
As an only child, I feel like the only negatives I myself experienced were the result of our circumstances - moving a lot and not having opportunities to make friends - and not the result of being an only child. If you offer a stable household where she is socialized early and often, the downsides people describe ("Machiavellian Sandbox" dilemma as described above hits the nail on the head) will be less debilitating.
Once we stabilized, my house absolutely became the clubhouse for all of my friends, all of whom had siblings. This really made my mom happy, because she had the house full of kids she always wanted, I had friends around to socialize with, they could escape their siblings and spend time in a safe welcoming space, and their parents were happy to have one less kid/teen around their house for a while. If you were to ask my mom, she would tell you that those were the best years of her parenting. YMMV.
I worry now, as my mom is in her 60's, about her health and welfare since I live a plane ride away. She has responsibly met with financial planners and made her wishes for aging and end of life known and started including me in those conversations when I was an older teenager and mature enough to handle the discussion. If I had a sibling to "share" this "burden" with, who knows if it would be shared? My mother's attitude is that if her old-age care becomes a burden, she's doing it wrong, so she made plans early. I don't see it as a burden at all.
posted by juniperesque at 9:38 AM on January 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
Once we stabilized, my house absolutely became the clubhouse for all of my friends, all of whom had siblings. This really made my mom happy, because she had the house full of kids she always wanted, I had friends around to socialize with, they could escape their siblings and spend time in a safe welcoming space, and their parents were happy to have one less kid/teen around their house for a while. If you were to ask my mom, she would tell you that those were the best years of her parenting. YMMV.
I worry now, as my mom is in her 60's, about her health and welfare since I live a plane ride away. She has responsibly met with financial planners and made her wishes for aging and end of life known and started including me in those conversations when I was an older teenager and mature enough to handle the discussion. If I had a sibling to "share" this "burden" with, who knows if it would be shared? My mother's attitude is that if her old-age care becomes a burden, she's doing it wrong, so she made plans early. I don't see it as a burden at all.
posted by juniperesque at 9:38 AM on January 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
I like that there is never any doubt about who left the ladder in the kitchen and ate all the chocolate while I was washing the dog. Justice around here does not require the lengthy group interrogations of my childhood and nobody is going to tell me to just leave him at the rest stop.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 9:43 AM on January 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by Mr. Yuck at 9:43 AM on January 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
My only-child (much younger) cousin is far and away the most well-adjusted adolescent I've ever met. (That's not a bias afaik, I have other cousins, and I've met a few teens...). He somehow got through high-school without crises or tantrums, he's got leadership abilities, gets along well with all kinds of people, of all ages - very socially smooth and internally well-regulated. Obviously, you can't say that this is just down to his only status, but it's certainly not been a barrier to his well-being and adjustment. And thinking about it, most of the onlies I've met in my life have seemed to have good self-esteem.
Google "sibling rivalry" to see the kinds of nightmares that can happen among sibs (and persist even into adulthood). I have sibs, and they're all right, we have good moments, but things haven't been a piece of cake all the time, at all. Flashbacks: getting shoved against a wall so hard the wind was knocked out of me; mutilated Barbies; highly charged battles for the remote control (serious anger there!). There's at least one silent grudge against me that just won't die, which I can't do anything about because it's so old and automatic. (I couldn't help teachers making comparisons with you, bro, I'm sorry! You were and are cooler than me, why doesn't that make up for it...) It sits alongside a bond, but you know, there's some ambivalence there. And we're grown. I think being able to have close relationships with friends and cousins without these kinds of wars is probably a net benefit to onlies.
Definitely CYA when it comes to your pension planning. And take lots of pictures.
posted by cotton dress sock at 9:51 AM on January 30, 2015
Google "sibling rivalry" to see the kinds of nightmares that can happen among sibs (and persist even into adulthood). I have sibs, and they're all right, we have good moments, but things haven't been a piece of cake all the time, at all. Flashbacks: getting shoved against a wall so hard the wind was knocked out of me; mutilated Barbies; highly charged battles for the remote control (serious anger there!). There's at least one silent grudge against me that just won't die, which I can't do anything about because it's so old and automatic. (I couldn't help teachers making comparisons with you, bro, I'm sorry! You were and are cooler than me, why doesn't that make up for it...) It sits alongside a bond, but you know, there's some ambivalence there. And we're grown. I think being able to have close relationships with friends and cousins without these kinds of wars is probably a net benefit to onlies.
Definitely CYA when it comes to your pension planning. And take lots of pictures.
posted by cotton dress sock at 9:51 AM on January 30, 2015
I probably won't have children, but after nearly a lifetime of automatically wanting 2 kids (mostly because I have a sister who is close in age and we're very close), I realized an only child was a better choice for me and my husband. My default choice of wanting 2 children was because I wanted to replicate my own sibling pair. However, throw a rock and you'll hit someone who has a bad or nonexistent relationship with their sibling. There's no guarantee that siblings will be compatible humans and basing a relationship on common origin only isn't much to base a relationship on. If you can raise one child well and are able to afford advantages for them, by all means do that.
For many adults, their chosen family ends up being the group that they're closest to. Teach your child to forge strong relationships and they'll be much better off throughout their lives. Of the only children friends I have, not a single one mourns a theoretical sibling. And, I'm guessing if there is an only child who feels cheated a sibling, their sibling is some repository of fantasy and idealized outcomes.
Your daughter isn't deprived. Don't act as though she is. If you're concerned about her responsibilities as you age, take care of those things yourself with good planning and professional assistance.
posted by quince at 9:53 AM on January 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
For many adults, their chosen family ends up being the group that they're closest to. Teach your child to forge strong relationships and they'll be much better off throughout their lives. Of the only children friends I have, not a single one mourns a theoretical sibling. And, I'm guessing if there is an only child who feels cheated a sibling, their sibling is some repository of fantasy and idealized outcomes.
Your daughter isn't deprived. Don't act as though she is. If you're concerned about her responsibilities as you age, take care of those things yourself with good planning and professional assistance.
posted by quince at 9:53 AM on January 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
I am an only child. I occasionally missed having someone to play with; there a bunch of classic board games I never played because I didn't have anyone to play them with, but that just means I get to play them now.
My father was the younger of two and my mom the youngest of four. Dad & his brother fought all through childhood and eventually joined different branches of the military and moved thousands of miles from each other. I never met my uncle till my grandmother's funeral. I didn't have many cousins, and they were all older than me and we have nothing in common.
For various reasons, we have an only child. She's very sociable and outgoing, and has a variety of friends from various networks (daycare, preschool, school, camps) that we try to keep in touch with. Her best and oldest friend (they met at daycare) has a younger brother, and we spend a lot of time with them, so she gets a vicarious sibling experience.
Logistics and extracurriculars are so much easier. Plan for your retirement, write your advance directives, and you should be fine.
posted by mogget at 9:56 AM on January 30, 2015
My father was the younger of two and my mom the youngest of four. Dad & his brother fought all through childhood and eventually joined different branches of the military and moved thousands of miles from each other. I never met my uncle till my grandmother's funeral. I didn't have many cousins, and they were all older than me and we have nothing in common.
For various reasons, we have an only child. She's very sociable and outgoing, and has a variety of friends from various networks (daycare, preschool, school, camps) that we try to keep in touch with. Her best and oldest friend (they met at daycare) has a younger brother, and we spend a lot of time with them, so she gets a vicarious sibling experience.
Logistics and extracurriculars are so much easier. Plan for your retirement, write your advance directives, and you should be fine.
posted by mogget at 9:56 AM on January 30, 2015
In addition to the possibility that two siblings might not be close or might even dislike each other and/or end up being estranged (this is the case with my dad and his brother for example), there can be downsides even to having a sibling that you're close to and love wholeheartedly.
I have a (fraternal) twin sister. I have all of the benefits of that - we are very close, she's a good person, I can talk to her about anything, etc., and we don't actually have any sibling rivalry, we've never been competitive about anything ever really. But there are downsides too. The obvious things like the fact that some of the worse arguments in my life/times I've been most angry have been with her, but also something less obvious - it's hard to express exactly, but basically she's a big source of stress in my life. I worry about her like I do nobody else, not my parents or my closest friends (or ex-boyfriend when we were together). And not because she's in particularly dire straits currently or anything. At the moment I'm a little worried she's not studying hard enough and might not pass a professional exam she's taking soon, and I don't really like her boyfriend (he's not a horrible person or abusive or anything, but he's just kind of a jerk sometimes.) It's just more emotionally fraught, and I'm not able to detach for my own peace of mind as much as I am with other people I love. And I also feel like her decisions and actions reflect on me in a way that I don't feel with other people. I don't think this is particularly healthy, and I try to have decent boundaries, etc., but it's definitely something I have to deal with.
So, while I didn't grow up as an only child (sorry for answering the question by the way, when you asked specifically for input from only children), I can imagine a real sense of freedom and independence and carefree-ness that would come with that, in contrast to how I sometimes feel now. I mean, of course I would not give up my sister to have that, but if I had never had a sister, there wouldn't be a specific person to miss, there would just be the freedom and independence.
As far as how things will be when you and your husband are old and/or dying, I agree with the other comments saying that having the financial resources to provide decent care is the most important thing (and it should easier to prepare for that and save money with only one child). Also, there is a huge diversity of individual experiences and situations, and I'm sure that for some people, having siblings around while their parents are dying is a great comfort. But I'm also sure that there are situations in which this isn't the case. My grandmother, who my sister and I were both very close to, died a year ago. And honestly, it was just as comforting to me to talk to friends and extended family members about it. It was almost harder with my sister because I had to see her grief as well as my own. (Also I don't think my dad and uncle were any comfort to each other at all; they've never been close, and my uncle refused to pay for any of my grandmother's expenses or care at the end of her life or ever really, or even chip in for funeral expenses, even though he could easily afford it; so my dad just had to pay for everything, and to deal with his brother always being bitter and resentful towards him on top of it).
posted by aadm at 10:25 AM on January 30, 2015
I have a (fraternal) twin sister. I have all of the benefits of that - we are very close, she's a good person, I can talk to her about anything, etc., and we don't actually have any sibling rivalry, we've never been competitive about anything ever really. But there are downsides too. The obvious things like the fact that some of the worse arguments in my life/times I've been most angry have been with her, but also something less obvious - it's hard to express exactly, but basically she's a big source of stress in my life. I worry about her like I do nobody else, not my parents or my closest friends (or ex-boyfriend when we were together). And not because she's in particularly dire straits currently or anything. At the moment I'm a little worried she's not studying hard enough and might not pass a professional exam she's taking soon, and I don't really like her boyfriend (he's not a horrible person or abusive or anything, but he's just kind of a jerk sometimes.) It's just more emotionally fraught, and I'm not able to detach for my own peace of mind as much as I am with other people I love. And I also feel like her decisions and actions reflect on me in a way that I don't feel with other people. I don't think this is particularly healthy, and I try to have decent boundaries, etc., but it's definitely something I have to deal with.
So, while I didn't grow up as an only child (sorry for answering the question by the way, when you asked specifically for input from only children), I can imagine a real sense of freedom and independence and carefree-ness that would come with that, in contrast to how I sometimes feel now. I mean, of course I would not give up my sister to have that, but if I had never had a sister, there wouldn't be a specific person to miss, there would just be the freedom and independence.
As far as how things will be when you and your husband are old and/or dying, I agree with the other comments saying that having the financial resources to provide decent care is the most important thing (and it should easier to prepare for that and save money with only one child). Also, there is a huge diversity of individual experiences and situations, and I'm sure that for some people, having siblings around while their parents are dying is a great comfort. But I'm also sure that there are situations in which this isn't the case. My grandmother, who my sister and I were both very close to, died a year ago. And honestly, it was just as comforting to me to talk to friends and extended family members about it. It was almost harder with my sister because I had to see her grief as well as my own. (Also I don't think my dad and uncle were any comfort to each other at all; they've never been close, and my uncle refused to pay for any of my grandmother's expenses or care at the end of her life or ever really, or even chip in for funeral expenses, even though he could easily afford it; so my dad just had to pay for everything, and to deal with his brother always being bitter and resentful towards him on top of it).
posted by aadm at 10:25 AM on January 30, 2015
I am not just an only child but the only child in my generation in my family (next oldest relative is about 30 years older than me) and I never had any real desire for a sibling.
From when I was very young I was always involved in play groups, daycare, and various activities so there was never a lack of other kids around. I always had one or two close friends who filled the ideal sibling role, with the bonus that I was often very close with their families as well. My parents generally left me to my own devices when I was home, and while sometimes boring learning how to be alone is such a valuable skill. If anything, I think it sparked a lot of my creativity and imagination. I know more than a few adults who cannot handle being alone and wind up involving themselves in unhealthy relationships just because having someone around is better than no one.
My parents always said part of the reason they wanted to have only one child was so that they would have the resources to get me a great education, especially since the local school was so bad. I got to take part in so many opportunities that my parents would have never been able to afford if they were raising multiple children.
I do think I was a little slower to pick up on certain skills (I was never great at sharing my things with others) but I wouldn't say it had any significant or long term adverse effect on my life. Going to college and having a roommate was a non-issue, for example.
I do sometimes worry about what will happen with my parents as they get older but the concern is more about what to do than will I be able to do it. Part of being an only child is learning how to figure things out on your own as well as building up your outside support network to compensate for the lack of a biological one.
posted by fox problems at 10:37 AM on January 30, 2015
From when I was very young I was always involved in play groups, daycare, and various activities so there was never a lack of other kids around. I always had one or two close friends who filled the ideal sibling role, with the bonus that I was often very close with their families as well. My parents generally left me to my own devices when I was home, and while sometimes boring learning how to be alone is such a valuable skill. If anything, I think it sparked a lot of my creativity and imagination. I know more than a few adults who cannot handle being alone and wind up involving themselves in unhealthy relationships just because having someone around is better than no one.
My parents always said part of the reason they wanted to have only one child was so that they would have the resources to get me a great education, especially since the local school was so bad. I got to take part in so many opportunities that my parents would have never been able to afford if they were raising multiple children.
I do think I was a little slower to pick up on certain skills (I was never great at sharing my things with others) but I wouldn't say it had any significant or long term adverse effect on my life. Going to college and having a roommate was a non-issue, for example.
I do sometimes worry about what will happen with my parents as they get older but the concern is more about what to do than will I be able to do it. Part of being an only child is learning how to figure things out on your own as well as building up your outside support network to compensate for the lack of a biological one.
posted by fox problems at 10:37 AM on January 30, 2015
Parent of a now-teenage only child. (Reason: The "omg needs sibling" hormones never kicked in.) Her dad is an only child, too. I have a sister who is my BFF.
Just about all of the time, I feel like we inadvertently stumbled on a really good thing...and if your child is three, a fair amount of why is "best is yet to come" stuff. My daughter's involved in a school activity that would be literally impossible for us if we had another child's scheduling to deal with. She has lots of cross-clique friends because she's accustomed to being a befriender. At the same time, she also has the ability to put down her phone and get introversion when she needs it. She's very comfortable dealing with adults -- when a scheduling problem cropped up in school last week, she dealt with it herself and got a better result than I would have, had I helicoptered. I watched all of those traits become more important as she got older, and I know there's more advantage to come.
If you're interested in an ages 14-30 view: I read this post not long ago, in which an only child looks at her parents' role in her life. Even though my daughter seems to be comparatively happier than the author was as a teenager (so far, anyway), I'm very glad I did.
posted by gnomeloaf at 10:40 AM on January 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
Just about all of the time, I feel like we inadvertently stumbled on a really good thing...and if your child is three, a fair amount of why is "best is yet to come" stuff. My daughter's involved in a school activity that would be literally impossible for us if we had another child's scheduling to deal with. She has lots of cross-clique friends because she's accustomed to being a befriender. At the same time, she also has the ability to put down her phone and get introversion when she needs it. She's very comfortable dealing with adults -- when a scheduling problem cropped up in school last week, she dealt with it herself and got a better result than I would have, had I helicoptered. I watched all of those traits become more important as she got older, and I know there's more advantage to come.
If you're interested in an ages 14-30 view: I read this post not long ago, in which an only child looks at her parents' role in her life. Even though my daughter seems to be comparatively happier than the author was as a teenager (so far, anyway), I'm very glad I did.
posted by gnomeloaf at 10:40 AM on January 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
I worry about how she will feel when my husband and I are old and dying, and she has to handle it all on her own.
Thing is, this is a total crapshoot. Mr. lwb is the elder of two. His younger brother is disabled and will always need to live with a carer. So not only does he not benefit in terms of eldercare by having a sibling, but he is likely to have to devote significant resources to caring for his brother (whom he loves and is glad to have around, let me be clear) as well, once his parents are unable to do so.
I sort of straddled both experiences as a child, since I lived mostly with my mother as an only child, but also lived for part of my childhood with my father and half-sister. My sister teased me a lot as a child and as adults, though there's no major animosity, we aren't particularly close. I don't think I got any real benefits from having a sibling that I didn't also get from my relationships with my cousins, friends, neighbour-kids. And I definitely think I benefitted in major ways from the only-child experience. My mother was able to invest a lot of time in my education and development that she would not have been able to do with multiple children, and this has really shaped (in a positive way) my life and who I am, I think.
posted by lwb at 10:50 AM on January 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
Thing is, this is a total crapshoot. Mr. lwb is the elder of two. His younger brother is disabled and will always need to live with a carer. So not only does he not benefit in terms of eldercare by having a sibling, but he is likely to have to devote significant resources to caring for his brother (whom he loves and is glad to have around, let me be clear) as well, once his parents are unable to do so.
I sort of straddled both experiences as a child, since I lived mostly with my mother as an only child, but also lived for part of my childhood with my father and half-sister. My sister teased me a lot as a child and as adults, though there's no major animosity, we aren't particularly close. I don't think I got any real benefits from having a sibling that I didn't also get from my relationships with my cousins, friends, neighbour-kids. And I definitely think I benefitted in major ways from the only-child experience. My mother was able to invest a lot of time in my education and development that she would not have been able to do with multiple children, and this has really shaped (in a positive way) my life and who I am, I think.
posted by lwb at 10:50 AM on January 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'm an only child with no family in this country, so growing up it was just me, my mom, and my dad (plus horses and the occasional dog). I've never had any regrets nor any desire to have a sibling.
My dad and I took care of my mom when she passed away from cancer twenty years ago, and then I took care of my dad when he passed ten years ago. As others have said, it helps tremendously if you can set up whatever you can to ease the way for your daughter. My dad made his own hospice and funeral home arrangements, and made sure all his paperwork was up to date. That took a lot off of me. It was still hard, but I got through it okay.
Without family, I rely on my friends as a support network, and while I don't have a vast number of friends (I'm very introverted), the ones I have are super awesome. Plus, you know, I have cats. So I'm never short on love.
A lot of young people today are all about the families they make--their chosen family of friends and loved ones--rather than the families they're born with. So I think your daughter will find her way.
posted by velvet_n_purrs at 10:58 AM on January 30, 2015
My dad and I took care of my mom when she passed away from cancer twenty years ago, and then I took care of my dad when he passed ten years ago. As others have said, it helps tremendously if you can set up whatever you can to ease the way for your daughter. My dad made his own hospice and funeral home arrangements, and made sure all his paperwork was up to date. That took a lot off of me. It was still hard, but I got through it okay.
Without family, I rely on my friends as a support network, and while I don't have a vast number of friends (I'm very introverted), the ones I have are super awesome. Plus, you know, I have cats. So I'm never short on love.
A lot of young people today are all about the families they make--their chosen family of friends and loved ones--rather than the families they're born with. So I think your daughter will find her way.
posted by velvet_n_purrs at 10:58 AM on January 30, 2015
Best answer: One of the worst things about being an only child is Other People. How people will toss around the idea of you being "spoiled" by the attention, make assumptions that you'll be selfish and bad at sharing, "being sad for you" for never experiencing the special bond of siblings, and worst of all...feeling justified in spouting off with misguided assertions about these things, apropos of nothing.
But I didn't have a problem sharing my toys -- I LOVED sharing because it was something that I always got to do voluntarily. I didn't have a tough adjustment to living with a roommate in the dorms at all -- I relished it, because it was full of grown-up-seeming things that I had to deal with on my own.
I didn't wish for siblings, but I didn't have strong feelings against having siblings either. I understood from a young age that my life would've been different with siblings, but it wasn't a thing that could be changed anyway (my mom couldn't have kids after me.) As for fantasizing, when I launched into imaginative wishing scenarios, why stop at "I wish I had a sibling" when I could be a person who can fly, turn into a cat, snake, or dolphin, be both a boy and girl at the same time, and speak all languages?
The other worst thing about being an only child is a tendency for parents to take VERY SERIOUSLY every imaginable aspect of their child's life without much sense of proportion. There's no experience with the range of what's "normal" for their kids because they only have one, and you're it. I often tried to not share too much, because if I had a squabble with my friend that day, or didn't like a subject in school, or had scratched my mosquito bites badly, or whatever, they were CONCERNED. Likewise, if I did some typical minor irresponsible kid stuff (treating a beloved toy badly, prioritizing homework poorly, etc.) for dumb reasons that I couldn't explain, they had plenty of time to want to UNDERSTAND rather than just assigning a minor punishment and moving on.
posted by desuetude at 11:27 AM on January 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
But I didn't have a problem sharing my toys -- I LOVED sharing because it was something that I always got to do voluntarily. I didn't have a tough adjustment to living with a roommate in the dorms at all -- I relished it, because it was full of grown-up-seeming things that I had to deal with on my own.
I didn't wish for siblings, but I didn't have strong feelings against having siblings either. I understood from a young age that my life would've been different with siblings, but it wasn't a thing that could be changed anyway (my mom couldn't have kids after me.) As for fantasizing, when I launched into imaginative wishing scenarios, why stop at "I wish I had a sibling" when I could be a person who can fly, turn into a cat, snake, or dolphin, be both a boy and girl at the same time, and speak all languages?
The other worst thing about being an only child is a tendency for parents to take VERY SERIOUSLY every imaginable aspect of their child's life without much sense of proportion. There's no experience with the range of what's "normal" for their kids because they only have one, and you're it. I often tried to not share too much, because if I had a squabble with my friend that day, or didn't like a subject in school, or had scratched my mosquito bites badly, or whatever, they were CONCERNED. Likewise, if I did some typical minor irresponsible kid stuff (treating a beloved toy badly, prioritizing homework poorly, etc.) for dumb reasons that I couldn't explain, they had plenty of time to want to UNDERSTAND rather than just assigning a minor punishment and moving on.
posted by desuetude at 11:27 AM on January 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
I worry about how she will feel when my husband and I are old and dying, and she has to handle it all on her own.
As others have pointed out, having siblings is no guarantee that they will be there to support you or your child, either emotionally or financially. But the fact that you're even thinking of this warms my heart; I don't think I've ever heard anyone express this concern, and it is a challenge.
Here is my pragmatic advice: I'm 50 yo only child and my mom is 84 (dad died suddenly, years ago.) I think we both assumed the little financial cushion she had would take care of everything, but shit happens and neither of us are in a position financially to address future long-term care situations the way we would like. It's really, really stressful, to be honest, and I think the best thing you could do is set aside a little cash of the next 20-30 years so if you and/or your husband need to move to assisted-living there are funds that can help insure you are in a place that will treat you well, and with dignity.
As far as how your child will feel, when I was growing up it was very rare to meet other only children but nowadays this is very common and I wouldn't be surprised if there's even a shift in how people will think of "siblings" in the near future. I loved being an only child.
She won't have to handle your deaths on her own because she'll probably have her own family by that point.
As someone who decided not to have children, I can't imagine how much more stressful this would be if I had to juggle my own family's needs on top of dealing with my mom.
OP, check your MeMail.
posted by Room 641-A at 11:48 AM on January 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
As others have pointed out, having siblings is no guarantee that they will be there to support you or your child, either emotionally or financially. But the fact that you're even thinking of this warms my heart; I don't think I've ever heard anyone express this concern, and it is a challenge.
Here is my pragmatic advice: I'm 50 yo only child and my mom is 84 (dad died suddenly, years ago.) I think we both assumed the little financial cushion she had would take care of everything, but shit happens and neither of us are in a position financially to address future long-term care situations the way we would like. It's really, really stressful, to be honest, and I think the best thing you could do is set aside a little cash of the next 20-30 years so if you and/or your husband need to move to assisted-living there are funds that can help insure you are in a place that will treat you well, and with dignity.
As far as how your child will feel, when I was growing up it was very rare to meet other only children but nowadays this is very common and I wouldn't be surprised if there's even a shift in how people will think of "siblings" in the near future. I loved being an only child.
She won't have to handle your deaths on her own because she'll probably have her own family by that point.
As someone who decided not to have children, I can't imagine how much more stressful this would be if I had to juggle my own family's needs on top of dealing with my mom.
OP, check your MeMail.
posted by Room 641-A at 11:48 AM on January 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I was pretty bummed out when we couldn't have a second kid. For years I was angry at Mr. Llama for dithering until the odds were stacked pretty high against us, and then at what I kind of saw as 'annnnd scene' I had a miscarriage at 42 or 42. And that was that.
In the intervening years (I'm 45) I have come to realize that our family is perfect as it is and that we are way better parents to a single child than we would ever be to two. I had to let go of being pissed and sad to get to that conclusion, and for some reason, for a long time, I didn't want to let go of it.
But we have our daughter, a dog, two cats, and each other, and we are a very tight knit crew.
I go out out of my way to make sure she's in gymnastics, in girl scouts, on play dates, etc etc etc, and she seems very well socialized, better than me or her dad.
Financially, it's a better deal. Obviously that's not the sort of thing that has been guiding our decision making process but paying for college for one is preferable to paying for college for two, and if she misses a bigger family she can have one of her own some day. And if she doesn't want kids at all, that's cool too.
I tell her, when she asks, that every family is different. Some families have only a mom. Or only a dad. Or two dads. Or a mom and a dog. Some families are all girls. Some kids don't have pets. Some families have horses...etc. etc. -- so she definitely has incorporated the idea of "this is how our family is and we like it and there are lots of different families that are also great and there are lots of great ways to be a family" though I know that now and then, she wishes for a sibling.
Mostly she seems, as we are, pleased with the size and shape of her family.
It helps too that she has a best friend who is also an only child.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 12:00 PM on January 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
In the intervening years (I'm 45) I have come to realize that our family is perfect as it is and that we are way better parents to a single child than we would ever be to two. I had to let go of being pissed and sad to get to that conclusion, and for some reason, for a long time, I didn't want to let go of it.
But we have our daughter, a dog, two cats, and each other, and we are a very tight knit crew.
I go out out of my way to make sure she's in gymnastics, in girl scouts, on play dates, etc etc etc, and she seems very well socialized, better than me or her dad.
Financially, it's a better deal. Obviously that's not the sort of thing that has been guiding our decision making process but paying for college for one is preferable to paying for college for two, and if she misses a bigger family she can have one of her own some day. And if she doesn't want kids at all, that's cool too.
I tell her, when she asks, that every family is different. Some families have only a mom. Or only a dad. Or two dads. Or a mom and a dog. Some families are all girls. Some kids don't have pets. Some families have horses...etc. etc. -- so she definitely has incorporated the idea of "this is how our family is and we like it and there are lots of different families that are also great and there are lots of great ways to be a family" though I know that now and then, she wishes for a sibling.
Mostly she seems, as we are, pleased with the size and shape of her family.
It helps too that she has a best friend who is also an only child.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 12:00 PM on January 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thank you for all the responses so far, and please keep them coming. It is so good to hear from only children themselves, who actually liked being only children.
[Just one more detail, regarding saving for retirement: luckily I have a good public sector job with a defined benefit pension plan, and I am also a saver by nature. So I'm not too worried about my daughter having to pay for our upkeep in old age. (Also, I live in Canada, so health care is not as much of a concern.) But thanks for the reminder, we will keep contributing to our RRSPs.]
posted by barnoley at 12:31 PM on January 30, 2015
[Just one more detail, regarding saving for retirement: luckily I have a good public sector job with a defined benefit pension plan, and I am also a saver by nature. So I'm not too worried about my daughter having to pay for our upkeep in old age. (Also, I live in Canada, so health care is not as much of a concern.) But thanks for the reminder, we will keep contributing to our RRSPs.]
posted by barnoley at 12:31 PM on January 30, 2015
From my 9-year-old only child, who felt very strongly about saying this:
I think that it`s very nice to be an only child, being one myself. For example, you have your own room and you don`t have to worry about your brother or sister snoring or (if you have a baby sibling) you don`t have to put up with screaming.
posted by stinker at 12:35 PM on January 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
I think that it`s very nice to be an only child, being one myself. For example, you have your own room and you don`t have to worry about your brother or sister snoring or (if you have a baby sibling) you don`t have to put up with screaming.
posted by stinker at 12:35 PM on January 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
I'm an only child, and it's great, I never seriously wished I had a sibling. I think it's also important to realize that each child can have a totally different experience growing up in the same family, so they may not have as many shared memories as you're expecting due to different personalities / family roles / etc. I feel good that I've talked to my parents and have pretty clear expectations how they'd like me to handle their affairs as they age - I have friends who are good emotional support, probably better than the average sibling would be based on other families I know.
The one thing I'd be aware of is triangulation. It's easy to slip into that pattern even with a pretty casual group of three friends, and as a child it can be confusing to be put in the middle or only hearing how one parent feels via the other parent. Obviously this can happen in larger families, as well, but I notice it a lot more in three-person groups.
posted by momus_window at 12:37 PM on January 30, 2015
The one thing I'd be aware of is triangulation. It's easy to slip into that pattern even with a pretty casual group of three friends, and as a child it can be confusing to be put in the middle or only hearing how one parent feels via the other parent. Obviously this can happen in larger families, as well, but I notice it a lot more in three-person groups.
posted by momus_window at 12:37 PM on January 30, 2015
About her having to deal with your deaths as an only child...
I am an only child. My mother is youngest of four. My grandfather passed away recently, and the amount of absolute NONSENSE surrounding his death made me very glad to be an only.
Yes, it will be hard on her. But she won't have to deal with siblings insisting that their way is the only way despite having been the one most involved in their grandfather's lives, deal with ordinarily very nice people turn into absolute wretches over inheritance (my grandfather, bless him, wrote his will in such a way as to limit the crazycakes, but all hell will break loose once my grandma passes), and generally being complete and utter asshats to her because stress and grief brings out the worst in people.
As for everything else, seconding all the other only children. I am an only child and have never once wished to be anything else. In fact I'm grateful to not have had any.
posted by Tamanna at 2:55 PM on January 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
I am an only child. My mother is youngest of four. My grandfather passed away recently, and the amount of absolute NONSENSE surrounding his death made me very glad to be an only.
Yes, it will be hard on her. But she won't have to deal with siblings insisting that their way is the only way despite having been the one most involved in their grandfather's lives, deal with ordinarily very nice people turn into absolute wretches over inheritance (my grandfather, bless him, wrote his will in such a way as to limit the crazycakes, but all hell will break loose once my grandma passes), and generally being complete and utter asshats to her because stress and grief brings out the worst in people.
As for everything else, seconding all the other only children. I am an only child and have never once wished to be anything else. In fact I'm grateful to not have had any.
posted by Tamanna at 2:55 PM on January 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
My parents both had lots of siblings, and had mixed experiences with that. My mom had mostly bad experiences, while my dad had mostly ok to good. They both had decided they only wanted one kid.
My parents weren't wealthy, but we had a decent amount of money. My parents were also pretty frugal and practical. Two would have been no problem financially, but they just didn't go there. I'm assuming if you guys can afford this much($$$ from what i know) assisted conception stuff then you'll have plenty to stack on to that.
* We got to live in an awesome part of town, because we only needed a two bedroom place. It was still pretty decent sized, but it cut costs a lot there. When i was born until i was in elementary school we had a really nice brand new condo place because of the lack of need for some huge place with 3+ bedrooms. Even later on when things got tight we still had a really big kick ass place for 3 people, just a little bit further out from the core of town. I also never had to share a room or any of that, obviously.
* Because they only had to pay for stuff for one kid, i got to go to a nice private school(until that didn't work out), disneyland several times, tons of parent/child solo field trip type expeditions to cool things with my mom constantly on weekends, awesome summer camps, etc. If you can focus all your financial resources on one kid it goes a lot further.
* On a more personal note, for the same reasons i got fucking awesome presents for my entire childhood. I had every cool toy, video game, a consistently great computer, etc. If i was interested in something and it cost money to do, i probably got to do it.
* High quality food, clothes, and other supplies since they didn't need to buy as much. Less stuff from the co-op costs the same as more stuff from the local big box place, but if you don't need to buy as much...
* Since i've mostly focused on material/experiential stuff, lots of one on one time with my parents just doing awesome stuff, having conversations, learning things. Most of my childhood memories are just of hanging out with my mom, or cool stuff i got to do with her. Same with my dad. I got 100% of their attention if they weren't busy working/with something else. That was pretty damn nice. All my friends and acquaintances, with the exception of my partner, seem to have siblings. All of them have some kind of resentment of there being a "favorite" or something with few exceptions even if they had super hippy dippy northwest granola parents who bent over backwards to be "fair". I know a few people who mostly really had a good time, but there's a whole lot of resentment out there i've seen.
Honestly, it's mostly gravy. Occasionally i miss that "having someone that close to you" thing, but i have my chosen family of close friends. I still get 100% of my parents attention, even as an adult.
It was mostly just nice though, that until high school when various family shit went down, it never felt like things were getting stretched. There was always a cushion, and spontaneity was always possible. That was definitely nice.
I experienced very little of the downsides mentioned here. The stupid "oh you must be spoiled bla bla bla" stuff or my parents being like YOU'RE OUR ONLY HOPE YOU MUST SUCCEED. That stuff exists, but it's sort of on you to... not be that way? And the first one doesn't happen if you don't hang around assholes.
posted by emptythought at 3:41 PM on January 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
My parents weren't wealthy, but we had a decent amount of money. My parents were also pretty frugal and practical. Two would have been no problem financially, but they just didn't go there. I'm assuming if you guys can afford this much($$$ from what i know) assisted conception stuff then you'll have plenty to stack on to that.
* We got to live in an awesome part of town, because we only needed a two bedroom place. It was still pretty decent sized, but it cut costs a lot there. When i was born until i was in elementary school we had a really nice brand new condo place because of the lack of need for some huge place with 3+ bedrooms. Even later on when things got tight we still had a really big kick ass place for 3 people, just a little bit further out from the core of town. I also never had to share a room or any of that, obviously.
* Because they only had to pay for stuff for one kid, i got to go to a nice private school(until that didn't work out), disneyland several times, tons of parent/child solo field trip type expeditions to cool things with my mom constantly on weekends, awesome summer camps, etc. If you can focus all your financial resources on one kid it goes a lot further.
* On a more personal note, for the same reasons i got fucking awesome presents for my entire childhood. I had every cool toy, video game, a consistently great computer, etc. If i was interested in something and it cost money to do, i probably got to do it.
* High quality food, clothes, and other supplies since they didn't need to buy as much. Less stuff from the co-op costs the same as more stuff from the local big box place, but if you don't need to buy as much...
* Since i've mostly focused on material/experiential stuff, lots of one on one time with my parents just doing awesome stuff, having conversations, learning things. Most of my childhood memories are just of hanging out with my mom, or cool stuff i got to do with her. Same with my dad. I got 100% of their attention if they weren't busy working/with something else. That was pretty damn nice. All my friends and acquaintances, with the exception of my partner, seem to have siblings. All of them have some kind of resentment of there being a "favorite" or something with few exceptions even if they had super hippy dippy northwest granola parents who bent over backwards to be "fair". I know a few people who mostly really had a good time, but there's a whole lot of resentment out there i've seen.
Honestly, it's mostly gravy. Occasionally i miss that "having someone that close to you" thing, but i have my chosen family of close friends. I still get 100% of my parents attention, even as an adult.
It was mostly just nice though, that until high school when various family shit went down, it never felt like things were getting stretched. There was always a cushion, and spontaneity was always possible. That was definitely nice.
I experienced very little of the downsides mentioned here. The stupid "oh you must be spoiled bla bla bla" stuff or my parents being like YOU'RE OUR ONLY HOPE YOU MUST SUCCEED. That stuff exists, but it's sort of on you to... not be that way? And the first one doesn't happen if you don't hang around assholes.
posted by emptythought at 3:41 PM on January 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
"I worry about how she will feel when my husband and I are old and dying, and she has to handle it all on her own."
If she decides not to deal with your old age or for whatever reason is unable to then she won't be handling it at all. Too many parents make the mistake of thinking their kids are going to be there for them during that stage. So I hope that wasn't your main motivation for reproducing. Despite my parents having 3 children, My brother is the ONLY one taking care of our parents for reasons I won't bother getting into here because it's irrelevant. But my sister and I don't contribute a dime or lift a finger in that department. She doesn't because she simply can't.. I don't because I simply won't.
I have two siblings. My brother and I had a lot in common and we played lots together so I am quite attached to him and always was. My sister on the other hand- Even though we lived in the same house and had the same family that is where our similarities end. We were always two completely different people even as children and if she hadn't been born into my household we never would've spent 5 minutes together. After the age of 17 when I left home I've seen/spoken to her a total of 4 times (im in my mid 30's now). We're just so entirely different, we have absolutely nothing to talk about with each other.
My point is that there are no guarantees. You wanted a sibling for her which is understandable- but you wanted it because you have preconceived notions of what that would mean for her. That she would have this playmate and they would grow to be close and that they would share in taking care of their parents... but all these are just fantasies that may not have come true anyway even if she had a sibling. With your reproductive issues there may have even been a chance of a sibling being born with severe deficiencies that would make your child need to take care of her sibling as well as both of you.
What I'm saying is- since your unhappiness is rooted in the preconceived fantasy that she would have a great sibling that is totally cool and healthy and her best friend, try focusing instead on the reality; which is that there was absolutely no guarantee of this and that it was just as likely that her sibling might be completely different from her personality wise and that they might not get along as easily as you imagine. Or perhaps even that more serious issues could've developed due to the reproductive issues.
posted by manderin at 4:58 PM on January 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
If she decides not to deal with your old age or for whatever reason is unable to then she won't be handling it at all. Too many parents make the mistake of thinking their kids are going to be there for them during that stage. So I hope that wasn't your main motivation for reproducing. Despite my parents having 3 children, My brother is the ONLY one taking care of our parents for reasons I won't bother getting into here because it's irrelevant. But my sister and I don't contribute a dime or lift a finger in that department. She doesn't because she simply can't.. I don't because I simply won't.
I have two siblings. My brother and I had a lot in common and we played lots together so I am quite attached to him and always was. My sister on the other hand- Even though we lived in the same house and had the same family that is where our similarities end. We were always two completely different people even as children and if she hadn't been born into my household we never would've spent 5 minutes together. After the age of 17 when I left home I've seen/spoken to her a total of 4 times (im in my mid 30's now). We're just so entirely different, we have absolutely nothing to talk about with each other.
My point is that there are no guarantees. You wanted a sibling for her which is understandable- but you wanted it because you have preconceived notions of what that would mean for her. That she would have this playmate and they would grow to be close and that they would share in taking care of their parents... but all these are just fantasies that may not have come true anyway even if she had a sibling. With your reproductive issues there may have even been a chance of a sibling being born with severe deficiencies that would make your child need to take care of her sibling as well as both of you.
What I'm saying is- since your unhappiness is rooted in the preconceived fantasy that she would have a great sibling that is totally cool and healthy and her best friend, try focusing instead on the reality; which is that there was absolutely no guarantee of this and that it was just as likely that her sibling might be completely different from her personality wise and that they might not get along as easily as you imagine. Or perhaps even that more serious issues could've developed due to the reproductive issues.
posted by manderin at 4:58 PM on January 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
I am an only child. I never felt deprived. I had a great life reading and made lots of friends because I sort of had to. Despite the fact that I was a weird nerdy kid, I developed enough social skills by force to make my way in life.
I am also the mother of an only child, one child by choice. I have enough friends who are alienated from their siblings, who grew up totally terrorised by them, that I had no regrets about only having one kid. She is 6 now, has a ton of friends, and we have made a point of making friends with many families with only children, bc we understand each other's needs and are always up for playdates etc.
posted by gaspode at 6:11 PM on January 30, 2015
I am also the mother of an only child, one child by choice. I have enough friends who are alienated from their siblings, who grew up totally terrorised by them, that I had no regrets about only having one kid. She is 6 now, has a ton of friends, and we have made a point of making friends with many families with only children, bc we understand each other's needs and are always up for playdates etc.
posted by gaspode at 6:11 PM on January 30, 2015
I don't really have anything *new* to add... but all my experiences support what everyone else has said. In my and my husband's families there are: sibling drama and nastiness about caring for aged parents, siblings caring for other siblings, sibling groups with lots of pent up issues/wildly different experiences/not fitting in, people in therapy because of their siblings... This is EVERY sibling group in the family - us, our parents, our grandparents. It's tough.
We talked about having an only child, and had him - he's four months. We discussed vasectomies and scheduled one for when he was about 3mo old, leaving room for the possibility that we may be unsure or change our minds, and that if we weren't both 100% we'd cancel it. He had the V three weeks ago, and we are both still very happy. I like our kid, but I also like my husband, our cats, and time alone. I like us as a little trio and it feels right. On top of that, we live in a big expensive city, with no family close by, family overseas to visit, and neither of us have particularly lucrative careers. I think one kid is all we can comfortably handle. He's home with us for the first year, and then will spend a couple days a week at daycare socializing, a day with me, a day with dad or grandma. Reading all these responses has only made me happier. I think guessing at what his personality is so far, it'll be a good fit for him too. I am so looking forward to all the stuff we're going to get to do with him!
My best friend is an only and has never wanted a sibling and never expressed ANY issues with it. Our freshman year in college was rough (sharing a room! granted her roommate was odd though) but she got a private room the next year =).
posted by jrobin276 at 6:13 PM on January 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
We talked about having an only child, and had him - he's four months. We discussed vasectomies and scheduled one for when he was about 3mo old, leaving room for the possibility that we may be unsure or change our minds, and that if we weren't both 100% we'd cancel it. He had the V three weeks ago, and we are both still very happy. I like our kid, but I also like my husband, our cats, and time alone. I like us as a little trio and it feels right. On top of that, we live in a big expensive city, with no family close by, family overseas to visit, and neither of us have particularly lucrative careers. I think one kid is all we can comfortably handle. He's home with us for the first year, and then will spend a couple days a week at daycare socializing, a day with me, a day with dad or grandma. Reading all these responses has only made me happier. I think guessing at what his personality is so far, it'll be a good fit for him too. I am so looking forward to all the stuff we're going to get to do with him!
My best friend is an only and has never wanted a sibling and never expressed ANY issues with it. Our freshman year in college was rough (sharing a room! granted her roommate was odd though) but she got a private room the next year =).
posted by jrobin276 at 6:13 PM on January 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Definitely read the book, One and Only: The Freedom of Having an Only Child, and the Joy of Being One. I found it really insightful and helpful in giving me more context for what it would be like to raise an only child. Someone mentioned not being too much of a hardass is an effort to not spoil them. I agree with that. But I try to not give her too many things. It can be easy to give an only child everything. I prefer to keep her life somewhat low-key and nurture her interests without running out and buying everything in that interest. It can be tempting to do.
My husband and I notice that we tend to double-parent her. And we try hard not to do that. I occasionally remind him that if we had another baby (or two) that we wouldn't have time to both talk at her about behavior at the same time. It's easy to hyper focus on her and that's not healthy for anyone. So, make sure to pull back, give the kid some breathing room. Occasionally pretend you have other things competing for your attention.
I have two brothers. One was very abusive toward me growing up. The other was much younger. We don't have close relationships. Kids are a crapshoot.
posted by amanda at 6:23 PM on January 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
My husband and I notice that we tend to double-parent her. And we try hard not to do that. I occasionally remind him that if we had another baby (or two) that we wouldn't have time to both talk at her about behavior at the same time. It's easy to hyper focus on her and that's not healthy for anyone. So, make sure to pull back, give the kid some breathing room. Occasionally pretend you have other things competing for your attention.
I have two brothers. One was very abusive toward me growing up. The other was much younger. We don't have close relationships. Kids are a crapshoot.
posted by amanda at 6:23 PM on January 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: THANK YOU so much. So many of these are wonderful. A lot of these responses are things I already knew or thought I knew....but it helps just to see other people say them.
I grew up in an abusive and highly dysfunctional family from whom I am now estranged. Now that I think about it, I probably just wanted a two-child family of my own since that's the stereotypical "normal" family that I didn't have growing up. The bottom line is that I have an amazing little self-created family now, and I am immensely grateful for that.
posted by barnoley at 6:27 PM on January 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
I grew up in an abusive and highly dysfunctional family from whom I am now estranged. Now that I think about it, I probably just wanted a two-child family of my own since that's the stereotypical "normal" family that I didn't have growing up. The bottom line is that I have an amazing little self-created family now, and I am immensely grateful for that.
posted by barnoley at 6:27 PM on January 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
I am an only child. I never felt deprived. I had a great life reading and made lots of friends because I sort of had to. Despite the fact that I was a weird nerdy kid, I developed enough social skills by force to make my way in life.
Oh, and I will bet that your daughter will learn how to amuse herself using nano-paper and g-ballzofstring and whatever other junk will be laying around when she gets older. Do not underestimate this superpower! Long lines or car rides? Bring. It.
posted by Room 641-A at 6:29 PM on January 30, 2015
Oh, and I will bet that your daughter will learn how to amuse herself using nano-paper and g-ballzofstring and whatever other junk will be laying around when she gets older. Do not underestimate this superpower! Long lines or car rides? Bring. It.
posted by Room 641-A at 6:29 PM on January 30, 2015
Response by poster: Oh, also:
I know one really easy , inexpensive and much less invasive way for you to get your child one or more siblings! It has the added benefit of being a great thing to do for the world!
Do you really think that adoption is easy and inexpensive?! There's a reason we ruled out adoption years ago....
posted by barnoley at 6:29 PM on January 30, 2015 [7 favorites]
I know one really easy , inexpensive and much less invasive way for you to get your child one or more siblings! It has the added benefit of being a great thing to do for the world!
Do you really think that adoption is easy and inexpensive?! There's a reason we ruled out adoption years ago....
posted by barnoley at 6:29 PM on January 30, 2015 [7 favorites]
I nth many of these folks. Being an only child is AWESOME. No sibling battles! Cousins! Sweet awesome gifts and having enough money! I have no college loans! I can't recommend it highly enough. It's GREAT.
And as others said: one kid is going to end up doing all of the caregiving anyway even if siblings exist, and it's usually the closest living female one. Same difference to your daughter or me on that one--siblings just don't help much or at all from what I've seen.
The only thing that isn't great about only childhood is that I don't want to have kids (and to be fair, also couldn't find a daddy for kids even if I sold my soul to the devil) so my mom can't have a grandchild, and I feel bad about that. But oh well, there's no guarantees on that one.
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:07 PM on January 30, 2015
And as others said: one kid is going to end up doing all of the caregiving anyway even if siblings exist, and it's usually the closest living female one. Same difference to your daughter or me on that one--siblings just don't help much or at all from what I've seen.
The only thing that isn't great about only childhood is that I don't want to have kids (and to be fair, also couldn't find a daddy for kids even if I sold my soul to the devil) so my mom can't have a grandchild, and I feel bad about that. But oh well, there's no guarantees on that one.
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:07 PM on January 30, 2015
Both my wife and I come from basically well adjusted families and have close relationships with loving siblings. Our child's birth ended up being extremely dangerous for both mother and child and recurrence of the circumstances resulting in his significantly premature birth were high. I think it's likely though not certain we would have tried for at least one more had this not been the case.
Basically there came a time after we called the decision for good when I just felt like, this is our family: it's complete. I have to say that, they talk about the "terrible twos" but (not to scare you) having observed my own and a lot of friends' kids through the single digits, I think the 4-6 range is much, much harder in terms of behavioral challenges (second only to the crazy sleep-deprivation fugue of the first year). They get aware enough to talk back and manipulate but have no real sense of boundaries or crossing lines. When the crazy tantrum and irrational defiance stage ended I was, ah, quite a bit less bothered by the idea of not going through the first 5 years again.
There is research (it's easy to find) that suggests only children aren't really very different. They aren't particularly selfish or narcissistic. They maybe have a slight edge in achievement motivation and verbal development (probably both from the same source - greater parental attention). They aren't especially lonely.
There are definite positives to having unshared access to parental attention, and it also makes parenting significantly easier - almost any time one of us can take a break if we want or need to. If one of us takes the kid for an activity, the other one has free time. If the kid has an activity that he can attend alone (e.g. a birthday party) hey it's impromptu date time. I will see situations on the order of one of his friends' parent drops him off for a play date and then then they're like "well I have to go grocery shopping with his baby brother" who is starting to throw a tantrum because he doesn't WANT to go to the grocery store, and I'll admit to thinking "wow, this thing we've got, it doesn't suck".
On occasion he has expressed his wish that he could have had a brother (he's close with a cousin who has a brother a few years younger) and this is a little sad but he doesn't dwell on it (and I really try to discourage any dwelling by anyone on the fact that he's an only child), but mostly it's just hey: this is the family. We focus on doing the job right, being good and loving to each other. And I rarely think about the "only" issue, and as far as I can tell he doesn't think about it too much either.
posted by nanojath at 12:35 AM on January 31, 2015 [1 favorite]
Basically there came a time after we called the decision for good when I just felt like, this is our family: it's complete. I have to say that, they talk about the "terrible twos" but (not to scare you) having observed my own and a lot of friends' kids through the single digits, I think the 4-6 range is much, much harder in terms of behavioral challenges (second only to the crazy sleep-deprivation fugue of the first year). They get aware enough to talk back and manipulate but have no real sense of boundaries or crossing lines. When the crazy tantrum and irrational defiance stage ended I was, ah, quite a bit less bothered by the idea of not going through the first 5 years again.
There is research (it's easy to find) that suggests only children aren't really very different. They aren't particularly selfish or narcissistic. They maybe have a slight edge in achievement motivation and verbal development (probably both from the same source - greater parental attention). They aren't especially lonely.
There are definite positives to having unshared access to parental attention, and it also makes parenting significantly easier - almost any time one of us can take a break if we want or need to. If one of us takes the kid for an activity, the other one has free time. If the kid has an activity that he can attend alone (e.g. a birthday party) hey it's impromptu date time. I will see situations on the order of one of his friends' parent drops him off for a play date and then then they're like "well I have to go grocery shopping with his baby brother" who is starting to throw a tantrum because he doesn't WANT to go to the grocery store, and I'll admit to thinking "wow, this thing we've got, it doesn't suck".
On occasion he has expressed his wish that he could have had a brother (he's close with a cousin who has a brother a few years younger) and this is a little sad but he doesn't dwell on it (and I really try to discourage any dwelling by anyone on the fact that he's an only child), but mostly it's just hey: this is the family. We focus on doing the job right, being good and loving to each other. And I rarely think about the "only" issue, and as far as I can tell he doesn't think about it too much either.
posted by nanojath at 12:35 AM on January 31, 2015 [1 favorite]
These are all great answers. I want to add that, I don't know how old you are, but I had my (only) child at 42, and found that there are so many more only children than there seemed to be when I was growing up, due to people waiting longer to have their families and fertility issues. So being an only child is not the big deal that it used to be.
When my son was maybe 7 or so he asked me for a sibling, and I explained that we weren't having more kids, but that wish went away quickly and I haven't heard it again (and now he's 22).
We consider our family to be a "normal" family and my son has never been stigmatized about being an "only." It is a changed world (at least in the major US city in which we live).
One more thing that may sound silly: at some point, if you don't already, you may want to seriously consider getting pets. My son considered our cats not exactly his siblings, but other small beings in the house who need care and whom you can play with. I grew up with a sister who was quite a bit older and acted like another adult in the house (and resented me), and my dog was really my best friend in the house.
posted by DMelanogaster at 7:08 AM on January 31, 2015 [2 favorites]
When my son was maybe 7 or so he asked me for a sibling, and I explained that we weren't having more kids, but that wish went away quickly and I haven't heard it again (and now he's 22).
We consider our family to be a "normal" family and my son has never been stigmatized about being an "only." It is a changed world (at least in the major US city in which we live).
One more thing that may sound silly: at some point, if you don't already, you may want to seriously consider getting pets. My son considered our cats not exactly his siblings, but other small beings in the house who need care and whom you can play with. I grew up with a sister who was quite a bit older and acted like another adult in the house (and resented me), and my dog was really my best friend in the house.
posted by DMelanogaster at 7:08 AM on January 31, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: My parents had me via IVF, and then tried unsuccessfully to have more kids after me, so I'm in your daughter's shoes. Some common only child stereotypes, and how they apply to me:
I'm kind of socially awkward and an introvert, but so are my parents, so I'm pretty sure I would have turned out that way anyway. There were two other only children in my class (and none of use had cousins etc. close by), and both of them are socially gracious extroverts. I also made close friends for life while still in kindergarten, so that wasn't an issue.
I was often spoiled as a kid, but I was also super happy to share, and still am. I've been told that I'm kind and considerate, so I guess the spoiling didn't have too many lasting effects.
I did want a sibling, really badly, when I was a preteen. That was a phase that passed, and now I'm very happy being an only child. I feel bad now about whining to my parents about it, given what they'd gone through with the IVF (I didn't know at the time). So I guess be prepared for the chance of her going through a phase like this, and if she does, try not to take it personally - it'll pass.
I do worry about my parents getting older, and how I'll be able to take care of them (especially as I live far away from them now). But I think I'd do that anyway, and this way I won't also have to deal with fights with siblings about what to do with mom and dad, or resentment about everyone doing their fair share. Also, I've watched my dad go through a lot of grief caring for his older sister in her last years, so someone with a sibling can easily have to end up taking heartbreaking decisions alone anyway. In any case, my parents were able to save a fair bit of money through not having more than one kid, so I don't have to worry about ageing-related costs as much.
My parents had more money, which meant that (on top of holidays etc. while I was growing up) they were able to pay for all of my schooling. I am SO grateful when I look at other people in my cohort and see how much more freedom and peace of mind that has afforded me.
As other people have said, so many people hate their siblings. I'm very happy to be close to my parents without old sibling rivalries screwing that up.
Like desuétude, I do wish that my parents had been less anxious about me while I was growing up (and still now, really), so maybe watch out for that? But I also got a lot of attention and love, so it all balances out.
So basically, your daughter will be fine, and as happy or unhappy with her life as she would have been as a sibling. let yourself grieve for the life you'd envisaged for her and for yourself, but then rejoice for the life she's going to have. all the best to you!
posted by jlibera at 4:07 PM on January 31, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'm kind of socially awkward and an introvert, but so are my parents, so I'm pretty sure I would have turned out that way anyway. There were two other only children in my class (and none of use had cousins etc. close by), and both of them are socially gracious extroverts. I also made close friends for life while still in kindergarten, so that wasn't an issue.
I was often spoiled as a kid, but I was also super happy to share, and still am. I've been told that I'm kind and considerate, so I guess the spoiling didn't have too many lasting effects.
I did want a sibling, really badly, when I was a preteen. That was a phase that passed, and now I'm very happy being an only child. I feel bad now about whining to my parents about it, given what they'd gone through with the IVF (I didn't know at the time). So I guess be prepared for the chance of her going through a phase like this, and if she does, try not to take it personally - it'll pass.
I do worry about my parents getting older, and how I'll be able to take care of them (especially as I live far away from them now). But I think I'd do that anyway, and this way I won't also have to deal with fights with siblings about what to do with mom and dad, or resentment about everyone doing their fair share. Also, I've watched my dad go through a lot of grief caring for his older sister in her last years, so someone with a sibling can easily have to end up taking heartbreaking decisions alone anyway. In any case, my parents were able to save a fair bit of money through not having more than one kid, so I don't have to worry about ageing-related costs as much.
My parents had more money, which meant that (on top of holidays etc. while I was growing up) they were able to pay for all of my schooling. I am SO grateful when I look at other people in my cohort and see how much more freedom and peace of mind that has afforded me.
As other people have said, so many people hate their siblings. I'm very happy to be close to my parents without old sibling rivalries screwing that up.
Like desuétude, I do wish that my parents had been less anxious about me while I was growing up (and still now, really), so maybe watch out for that? But I also got a lot of attention and love, so it all balances out.
So basically, your daughter will be fine, and as happy or unhappy with her life as she would have been as a sibling. let yourself grieve for the life you'd envisaged for her and for yourself, but then rejoice for the life she's going to have. all the best to you!
posted by jlibera at 4:07 PM on January 31, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Oh, and another thing! My parents paid plenty of attention to me, but I also had a fair bit of alone time, so I learned early on how to entertain myself and how to be okay being on my own. So many of my peers are miserable doing stuff on their own, will limit what they do just so they can do it with other people, or will tolerate bad behavior from their friends or significant others rather than winding up without anyone. None of that applies to me, and I count myself very lucky for it.
posted by jlibera at 4:11 PM on January 31, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by jlibera at 4:11 PM on January 31, 2015 [2 favorites]
I'm late to the game here but wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I always expected to have two kids but due to surprise medical issues will likely stop at one. My son is two years old and a total handful, and at this point I can't even imagine having another kid even if everything worked out health-wise. He's going to be fine being an only, I am sure of it. On the other hand, I really agonized over it and mourned our situation during the first year, but things have been uphill since. I'm starting to see the amazing benefits now, many of which you and others have identified.
Best wishes to you and your family as things settle down and you adjust to idea of your family being complete right now as it is.
posted by Maarika at 8:24 PM on February 1, 2015
Best wishes to you and your family as things settle down and you adjust to idea of your family being complete right now as it is.
posted by Maarika at 8:24 PM on February 1, 2015
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