Wise or silly risk: Reconnect or let go?
January 30, 2015 7:28 AM Subscribe
What is the message in this set of mixed messages?
Last January, we met on Tinder and hit it off. He lives a few states away and was in my town for work. I wanted to take things slow in the beginning because I really liked him. I hadn't had that kind of connection in a decade. He also said that he has never had the sort of connection we had. We're in out 30s.
We basked in the luck for a little while. He wanted more, and sooner, and things happened fast. I let it. First, he asked if I'd consider long distance, and I said I was very hesitant. By the end of this little 'thing', I asked him if he'd consider long distance, and he said he didn't want an ldr. He was tired of ldrs. It lasted a month.
In the end, he said our connection was 'just a thing' and I left feeling sad. Then he quickly changed his mind, and suggested that we see what happens. Though I know it is normal for people to change their minds, that confused me.
For five months, I tried to keep in touch with him. I'd send a text or call every 2-4 weeks. He never texted back or initiated a conversation, but always returned phone calls. In our last conversation, I asked if he wanted to stay in touch. He asked what the point of staying in touch was - we'd meet if we were in the same city; otherwise, keeping in touch is disruptive to his daily routines. I was taken aback by this. I said I understood, and cried as soon as we got off the phone.
I just found out that I will be traveling to his city for work soon. And I'm having a very hard time deciding whether it's a good idea to let him know I'll be in town, or if I should let go. I got a lot of mixed messages. One side of me still thinks about him constantly. Another side of me is confused and hurt at the mind-changing and cold demeanor.
Hive, can you help me by pointing out some things that will make this situation clearly? Do I chalk up those mixed messages to 'he's not that into me' or personal stuff I may not know about? Or do I proceed with a beginner's mind?
(Note: there were mixed messages about other things, but I want to remain anonymous, so I'll keep those to myself. Takeaway - there were many more mixed messages of the sort described above.)
Last January, we met on Tinder and hit it off. He lives a few states away and was in my town for work. I wanted to take things slow in the beginning because I really liked him. I hadn't had that kind of connection in a decade. He also said that he has never had the sort of connection we had. We're in out 30s.
We basked in the luck for a little while. He wanted more, and sooner, and things happened fast. I let it. First, he asked if I'd consider long distance, and I said I was very hesitant. By the end of this little 'thing', I asked him if he'd consider long distance, and he said he didn't want an ldr. He was tired of ldrs. It lasted a month.
In the end, he said our connection was 'just a thing' and I left feeling sad. Then he quickly changed his mind, and suggested that we see what happens. Though I know it is normal for people to change their minds, that confused me.
For five months, I tried to keep in touch with him. I'd send a text or call every 2-4 weeks. He never texted back or initiated a conversation, but always returned phone calls. In our last conversation, I asked if he wanted to stay in touch. He asked what the point of staying in touch was - we'd meet if we were in the same city; otherwise, keeping in touch is disruptive to his daily routines. I was taken aback by this. I said I understood, and cried as soon as we got off the phone.
I just found out that I will be traveling to his city for work soon. And I'm having a very hard time deciding whether it's a good idea to let him know I'll be in town, or if I should let go. I got a lot of mixed messages. One side of me still thinks about him constantly. Another side of me is confused and hurt at the mind-changing and cold demeanor.
Hive, can you help me by pointing out some things that will make this situation clearly? Do I chalk up those mixed messages to 'he's not that into me' or personal stuff I may not know about? Or do I proceed with a beginner's mind?
(Note: there were mixed messages about other things, but I want to remain anonymous, so I'll keep those to myself. Takeaway - there were many more mixed messages of the sort described above.)
Let it go. This guy isn't good for your mental health. I've done a LDR that turned into marriage. If you're into someone enough, you MAKE it work. He's not as into it as you are, he may have been once, but he got back to his day-to-day and he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. For all you know, he may have met someone else and he just didn't want to tell you.
So no, don't contact him. He's not on your Facebook is he? You've blocked him and you're no contact, right?
It would have been nice if. But it didn't work out.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:35 AM on January 30, 2015
So no, don't contact him. He's not on your Facebook is he? You've blocked him and you're no contact, right?
It would have been nice if. But it didn't work out.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:35 AM on January 30, 2015
These aren't mixed messages. They are very plain and clear messages. He is only interested in you as a hookup. He likes you enough to return your phone calls and that is the most effort he is willing to put into this. Walk away.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 7:37 AM on January 30, 2015 [14 favorites]
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 7:37 AM on January 30, 2015 [14 favorites]
When people want to be with you, they'll be with you. It really is that simple.
Evict this guy from your head so you can dedicate energy to finding the right partner for you. He's out there.
posted by jessca84 at 7:44 AM on January 30, 2015 [7 favorites]
Evict this guy from your head so you can dedicate energy to finding the right partner for you. He's out there.
posted by jessca84 at 7:44 AM on January 30, 2015 [7 favorites]
Technically, the mixed messages you describe are logically consistent with your best plausible scenario: he would have liked a long-term relationship with you IN THE SAME CITY (and in theory possibly still wants one), but he didn't want a LDR. (Allowing him a bit of extra mix because it's hard to feel clear in one's head about something one wants but can't work out. My LDR turned into marriage, but there are perfectly valid reasons for choosing not to start one.)
BUT you also say: "Takeaway - there were many more mixed messages of the sort described above." And the way you describe what you do describe makes me think he was not being kind or respectful.
Valid reasons for letting him know you're in the same city: (a) you want to hook up; (b) you're considering reopening the suggestion that you move to his city.
Valid reasons for not acting on the above reasons: (a) it'll make it harder for you to finish letting go; (b) the connection you two had felt may likely have been destroyed anyhow by all the subsequent dysfunctionality; (c) it's a lousy idea to move to a new city feeling emotionally dependent on someone who has already acted like a bozo to you (so don't get sucked into considering it).
posted by feral_goldfish at 8:12 AM on January 30, 2015
BUT you also say: "Takeaway - there were many more mixed messages of the sort described above." And the way you describe what you do describe makes me think he was not being kind or respectful.
Valid reasons for letting him know you're in the same city: (a) you want to hook up; (b) you're considering reopening the suggestion that you move to his city.
Valid reasons for not acting on the above reasons: (a) it'll make it harder for you to finish letting go; (b) the connection you two had felt may likely have been destroyed anyhow by all the subsequent dysfunctionality; (c) it's a lousy idea to move to a new city feeling emotionally dependent on someone who has already acted like a bozo to you (so don't get sucked into considering it).
posted by feral_goldfish at 8:12 AM on January 30, 2015
When you say he always returned phone calls, I infer that means he never actually took them. (I presume you're calling him on a cell phone with caller ID.) I agree that he's sending you the message that the relationship just isn't that important to him. It's as simple as that, and don't think it's about personal stuff you don't know about (and even if it were, what of it? He isn't giving you the courtesy of dealing what whatever issue it might be, which again says he really isn't that into the relationship).
If you meet him when you visit his city for work, it'd likely be just on a hookup basis, and I gather you already recognize that doing so wouldn't be good for you in the long run. You deserve better, so don't waste time on some dude who doesn't appreciate you.
posted by Gelatin at 8:19 AM on January 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
If you meet him when you visit his city for work, it'd likely be just on a hookup basis, and I gather you already recognize that doing so wouldn't be good for you in the long run. You deserve better, so don't waste time on some dude who doesn't appreciate you.
posted by Gelatin at 8:19 AM on January 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
Please read The Rules (by Fein and Schneider) immediately.
As retrogressive and 1950s-ish it may seem, that dating how-to book has been working pretty well for me. Like you, I had a horribly soul-crushing, self-esteem-stripping, emotionally abusive childhood. But I went to the other extreme: I refused to date any guy who showed the slightest hint of not being 100% into me for the long haul. As a result, every single relationship I've had has involved the guy wanting to marry me. (And I'm not even that special.) I put up so many walls, in an effort to avoid getting hurt, that only the most devoted wild-eyed suitors have the moxie to scale them. I never, ever initiate contact with a guy. Period. That way, every time we're interacting, I know it's because he CHOSE to talk/email/text to me in that moment.
You don't have to go to that extreme, but anyway, as The Rules says, "Love only those who love you."
posted by Guinevere at 8:27 AM on January 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
As retrogressive and 1950s-ish it may seem, that dating how-to book has been working pretty well for me. Like you, I had a horribly soul-crushing, self-esteem-stripping, emotionally abusive childhood. But I went to the other extreme: I refused to date any guy who showed the slightest hint of not being 100% into me for the long haul. As a result, every single relationship I've had has involved the guy wanting to marry me. (And I'm not even that special.) I put up so many walls, in an effort to avoid getting hurt, that only the most devoted wild-eyed suitors have the moxie to scale them. I never, ever initiate contact with a guy. Period. That way, every time we're interacting, I know it's because he CHOSE to talk/email/text to me in that moment.
You don't have to go to that extreme, but anyway, as The Rules says, "Love only those who love you."
posted by Guinevere at 8:27 AM on January 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
My inner psychic says he's probably dating someone else or married.
Questions like "whether it's a good idea to call him while I'm in town" implies that you are trying to control or predict what this person's responses are going to be - and this is masquerading as dating advice - or you think that there is some kind of universal correct answer to this question. The reason this is a difficult situation for you is because you can't "take the emotional temperature" of someone who is far away and not communicating with you all that well.
But this might be a good thing, because this practice in general is a bad one. Honestly, you should call him if you think it's a good idea. That's all that matters. Don't be so hard on yourself. The information you're collecting is valuable. Be prepared to pay the consequences. You could: be careful, try not to actively hurt anyone, and go have some fun.
But you know, people that are steady and slow are sometimes better than hot and heavy. This is one of the downsides of jumping into things like this, and I'm sorry, that's not a mixed signal, that's just reality. Feeling picked, pulling back, and now you're stuck trying to fill in the vacuum. The underlying mixed signal is "casual is complicated."
We all have insecurities, and people can hide battle carries behind these if you aren't careful. If you're working too hard, had a few bad online dates, feeling a little bit older, maybe some guy four states away starts looking magically good and you start missing things. Don't be afraid to assert your discomfort. Stop making it out like this guy's going to save you. Connecting with yourself is the real deal. And it really sounds like there's better guys out there.
posted by phaedon at 8:30 AM on January 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
Questions like "whether it's a good idea to call him while I'm in town" implies that you are trying to control or predict what this person's responses are going to be - and this is masquerading as dating advice - or you think that there is some kind of universal correct answer to this question. The reason this is a difficult situation for you is because you can't "take the emotional temperature" of someone who is far away and not communicating with you all that well.
But this might be a good thing, because this practice in general is a bad one. Honestly, you should call him if you think it's a good idea. That's all that matters. Don't be so hard on yourself. The information you're collecting is valuable. Be prepared to pay the consequences. You could: be careful, try not to actively hurt anyone, and go have some fun.
But you know, people that are steady and slow are sometimes better than hot and heavy. This is one of the downsides of jumping into things like this, and I'm sorry, that's not a mixed signal, that's just reality. Feeling picked, pulling back, and now you're stuck trying to fill in the vacuum. The underlying mixed signal is "casual is complicated."
We all have insecurities, and people can hide battle carries behind these if you aren't careful. If you're working too hard, had a few bad online dates, feeling a little bit older, maybe some guy four states away starts looking magically good and you start missing things. Don't be afraid to assert your discomfort. Stop making it out like this guy's going to save you. Connecting with yourself is the real deal. And it really sounds like there's better guys out there.
posted by phaedon at 8:30 AM on January 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best advice I've ever got about mixed messages: the mixed messages are the message. You don't need to see through them to ferret out the real truth about how he feels - you need to read the contradictory mind-changing itself as the real truth about how he feels. Read it as "for whatever reason, I do not have my act together enough to give you anything substantial," and act accordingly.
posted by Catseye at 8:49 AM on January 30, 2015 [23 favorites]
posted by Catseye at 8:49 AM on January 30, 2015 [23 favorites]
I also thought he was a player and that he's now involved with someone else.
Lots of mixed messages you say? BULLET DODGED. He was cold at times, and sometimes dismissive or rude? Yuck! BULLET DODGED.
I don't know you, but I know me back when I was dating guys like this. Nobody told me what I needed to know back then, so I'm going to tell both of us now...
Men who are rude are not "keepers." Men who run hot & cold are not "keepers." You're great and there is nothing wrong with you, but please don't give fellows like this second chances. Please don't let them take up time or attention, put that time and effort into yourself. How they treat you is 90% of the equation, and you have to learn not to find half measures attractive. You can do it!! Men who behave like this can't be fixed, there is no "test" you can pass that will suddenly unlock a fulfilling relationship with them because a fulfilling relationship with someone who is cold or dismissive simply does not exist. Those times it seems to really "click"? Just a fleeting illusion. When it is the Real Deal, the person will treat you (and himself) with respect, he won't run hot and cold. That's a fact.
The secret to finding a great relationship is not to keep around half-assed unfulfilling hanging around. ProTip: If the interaction makes you feel uncomfortable, insecure, or downright badly about yourself... DTMFA. The first few weeks, months, or years should never ever be that hard. If they are, DTMFA.
It really is this simple. The End.
posted by jbenben at 9:25 AM on January 30, 2015 [5 favorites]
Lots of mixed messages you say? BULLET DODGED. He was cold at times, and sometimes dismissive or rude? Yuck! BULLET DODGED.
I don't know you, but I know me back when I was dating guys like this. Nobody told me what I needed to know back then, so I'm going to tell both of us now...
Men who are rude are not "keepers." Men who run hot & cold are not "keepers." You're great and there is nothing wrong with you, but please don't give fellows like this second chances. Please don't let them take up time or attention, put that time and effort into yourself. How they treat you is 90% of the equation, and you have to learn not to find half measures attractive. You can do it!! Men who behave like this can't be fixed, there is no "test" you can pass that will suddenly unlock a fulfilling relationship with them because a fulfilling relationship with someone who is cold or dismissive simply does not exist. Those times it seems to really "click"? Just a fleeting illusion. When it is the Real Deal, the person will treat you (and himself) with respect, he won't run hot and cold. That's a fact.
The secret to finding a great relationship is not to keep around half-assed unfulfilling hanging around. ProTip: If the interaction makes you feel uncomfortable, insecure, or downright badly about yourself... DTMFA. The first few weeks, months, or years should never ever be that hard. If they are, DTMFA.
It really is this simple. The End.
posted by jbenben at 9:25 AM on January 30, 2015 [5 favorites]
Mod note: This is a followup from the asker.
I appreciate the responses, and the range of perspectives offered. All of them seem valid to me. Some of the comments had questions and I thought I would offer a bit more context:posted by cortex (staff) at 9:40 AM on January 30, 2015
-We are not connected on any social networks, and have not been in touch for more than six months.
-feral_goldfish's technical distinction is correct: At the end of our fling/thing, he explicitly stated that we would be dating if we were in the same city. He sounded slightly apologetic that things happened quickly. He said, "I guess I was being overzealous. If we were in the same city in the first place, I would have taken things at a more normal pace."
-We had a conversation about my hesitation to move things faster. This was an important conversation where I shared an experience about a traumatic relationship I had. He held me tight and got a little choked up, then asked, "Wait, do you think I'd ever leave you?" That, more than anything else, made me surprised and hurt that he wanted to think of this as a fling, and then not a fling so that we could possibly date in the future. He considered working in my city for a long period if that opportunity came about.
-I relate to feral_goldfish's valid reason for contacting him: (b) considering reopening the suggestion that you move to his city. This was not possible when we were in contact. But now, a great opportunity is opening up this year to work in his city. I also relate to valid reason for not acting: (b) the connection you two had felt may likely have been destroyed anyhow by all the subsequent dysfunctionality.
-About half the time, he answered calls immediately. The other half of the time, he called me back later in the day.
-I especially enjoyed Catseye nuanced view of mixed messages (irony, ha!). As a...fellow human being, sometimes I'm too mixed up with myself to communicate well with people in certain periods of my life.
-jbenben - I don't have a comment to anything specific, but I just wanted to let you know that I enjoy reading most of your advice to other posts on askmefi.
I'm sorry, but I think you most definitely should not get in touch with this guy when you travel to his town.
It sounds to me like he was interested in you when you two met. Then - as is typical with some men - he got less interested after he scored.
I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and suggest that he doesn't realize he's sending all of these mixed messages to you. Regardless, this kind of shit is toxic to someone in your position.
Here's the problem I foresee: if you go to his town and call him, he'll probably be quite happy to get together. From his perspective, you're making a booty call on him, and guys typically love that. But his interest will fade quickly after the sex. You will initially be happy to see him, and perhaps think that you've got the relationship on-track - but I strongly suspect that you'll find yourself disappointed and feeling used.
In general, you should ignore the verbal messages from this guy - to me it sounds like he's lying because he's "trying to be nice"- and pay attention to the messages that are actions. Ie, ignore what he says, pay attention to what he does. Based on what you've written - I'm sorry, but he just doesn't sound like he's into you. Unless you can radically shift your view of this whole thing so that it's a casual occasional FWB kind of thing - you should forget about this guy.
posted by doctor tough love at 10:16 AM on January 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
It sounds to me like he was interested in you when you two met. Then - as is typical with some men - he got less interested after he scored.
I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and suggest that he doesn't realize he's sending all of these mixed messages to you. Regardless, this kind of shit is toxic to someone in your position.
Here's the problem I foresee: if you go to his town and call him, he'll probably be quite happy to get together. From his perspective, you're making a booty call on him, and guys typically love that. But his interest will fade quickly after the sex. You will initially be happy to see him, and perhaps think that you've got the relationship on-track - but I strongly suspect that you'll find yourself disappointed and feeling used.
In general, you should ignore the verbal messages from this guy - to me it sounds like he's lying because he's "trying to be nice"- and pay attention to the messages that are actions. Ie, ignore what he says, pay attention to what he does. Based on what you've written - I'm sorry, but he just doesn't sound like he's into you. Unless you can radically shift your view of this whole thing so that it's a casual occasional FWB kind of thing - you should forget about this guy.
posted by doctor tough love at 10:16 AM on January 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
A lot of this rings terribly familiar to me, so: let it go. If you two fling again while you're traveling, it's just going to hit the reset button to six months ago. Trust me when I say, don't do this to yourself.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 11:38 AM on January 30, 2015
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 11:38 AM on January 30, 2015
Hey, thanks for your follow-up!
The whole, "Do you think I would ever leave you?" moment that you described? Oof. Words are cheap. That's (perhaps unintentionally?) an emotionally manipulative thing for him to say (and look how well it worked) since he wasn't really with you at the time he said it. You weren't married, enjoying a substantial dating history together... that was an inappropriate response to your concerns, at best. At worse, you were being honest and vulnerable, and he took the opportunity to cement your attentions with a few well timed platitudes that did not reflect the reality of the relationship at that time.
This is precisely the sort of thing I meant when I said that there are certain things you need to start internalizing as turn-off's. It's a great thing to hear someone wants to be with you forever, but it should sound discordant when that statement is not congruent with reality.
If you move to his city and take up with him again, the relationship will always be lopsided in his favor. Or he's only lukewarm on trying again. Or he's a full-blown jerk.
Nice people don't blow hot and cold, and they do not take advantage of your vulnerable moments to improve their own position.
I know you are trying to find a sliver of hope here. Maybe seeing him again with your eyes wide open might be helpful?
Put yourself first is all I'm saying.
posted by jbenben at 11:41 AM on January 30, 2015 [6 favorites]
The whole, "Do you think I would ever leave you?" moment that you described? Oof. Words are cheap. That's (perhaps unintentionally?) an emotionally manipulative thing for him to say (and look how well it worked) since he wasn't really with you at the time he said it. You weren't married, enjoying a substantial dating history together... that was an inappropriate response to your concerns, at best. At worse, you were being honest and vulnerable, and he took the opportunity to cement your attentions with a few well timed platitudes that did not reflect the reality of the relationship at that time.
This is precisely the sort of thing I meant when I said that there are certain things you need to start internalizing as turn-off's. It's a great thing to hear someone wants to be with you forever, but it should sound discordant when that statement is not congruent with reality.
If you move to his city and take up with him again, the relationship will always be lopsided in his favor. Or he's only lukewarm on trying again. Or he's a full-blown jerk.
Nice people don't blow hot and cold, and they do not take advantage of your vulnerable moments to improve their own position.
I know you are trying to find a sliver of hope here. Maybe seeing him again with your eyes wide open might be helpful?
Put yourself first is all I'm saying.
posted by jbenben at 11:41 AM on January 30, 2015 [6 favorites]
First of all, please don't read The Rules. It's a bunch of victim-blamey, sexist hoo-ha that will make you feel like it's your fault that you didn't use your "feminine wiles" correctly. And you'll get nothing but PUA-type guys if you do it. Men of character will not be interested in a game-player and they WILL be able to tell.
Now, this guy, he's messing with your mind and giving you intermittent reinforcement. That's not healthy, and I would go no contact with someone who did that to me. I know it's hard, but it will be well worth it. Whether he's just trying to be nice, or whether he's intentionally manipulative, the effect on you is the same. Let it go and move on. If he wanted to make an LDR work, he wouldn't be acting like this.
posted by Beethoven's Sith at 11:46 AM on January 30, 2015 [5 favorites]
Now, this guy, he's messing with your mind and giving you intermittent reinforcement. That's not healthy, and I would go no contact with someone who did that to me. I know it's hard, but it will be well worth it. Whether he's just trying to be nice, or whether he's intentionally manipulative, the effect on you is the same. Let it go and move on. If he wanted to make an LDR work, he wouldn't be acting like this.
posted by Beethoven's Sith at 11:46 AM on January 30, 2015 [5 favorites]
I favorited Beethoven Sith's comment, but I just wanted the add this about The Rules... It was by reading The Rules that I learned not to reward "intermittent reinforcement" from guys! In fact, that was my primary take-away from reading The Rules books. That, and basically, get your own life going (career, friendships, enriching pursuits) independent of your dating life so that you won't be tempted to find "intermittent reinforcement" type guys appealing.
Those books were the first place someone told me, as a woman, that when I encounter that type of thing while dating, it isn't in my best interest to reward it. There is probably game playing bs in those books, but that wasn't my take-away. FWIW.
posted by jbenben at 11:59 AM on January 30, 2015 [4 favorites]
Those books were the first place someone told me, as a woman, that when I encounter that type of thing while dating, it isn't in my best interest to reward it. There is probably game playing bs in those books, but that wasn't my take-away. FWIW.
posted by jbenben at 11:59 AM on January 30, 2015 [4 favorites]
You haven't even talked to him in six months? Yeah I don't know. Sleeping dogs and all. I'd just leave it alone if I were you.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 12:35 PM on January 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 12:35 PM on January 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
It really sucks, but if he got tired of a long distance thing after only one month, and told you he saw no point in keeping in touch, then I think that's your answer. If you meet him while you're in town, it will probably be a really fun dinner and hookup, but that's also probably all it will be, and it will rewind you back six months as someone else pointed out.
Now, with regards to the job opportunity in his city: if you have other reasons for wanting to live in his city, it's something to consider. But definitely don't move there for him. I'd make the decision based on other factors, and if you do ever wind up moving there, you could shoot him an e-mail and see what happens. But to be totally honest, he sort of sounds like he might be a jerk anyway based on what you've said about him, so you might be better off with a different guy anyway regardless of which city you live in.
posted by sunflower16 at 4:08 PM on January 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
Now, with regards to the job opportunity in his city: if you have other reasons for wanting to live in his city, it's something to consider. But definitely don't move there for him. I'd make the decision based on other factors, and if you do ever wind up moving there, you could shoot him an e-mail and see what happens. But to be totally honest, he sort of sounds like he might be a jerk anyway based on what you've said about him, so you might be better off with a different guy anyway regardless of which city you live in.
posted by sunflower16 at 4:08 PM on January 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
Mod note: From the OP:
Hive,posted by taz (staff) at 5:14 AM on January 31, 2015 [2 favorites]
You don't disappoint. Based on your feedback -- and out of self-respect -- I've decided not to contact him.
Thank you for the firm/gentle advice and support. This thread is helping me to end the second-guessing and let go. In fact, I think I will need to revisit this thread for intermittent reminders.
"Based on your feedback -- and out of self-respect -- I've decided not to contact him."
Excellent news, OP! You said you might revisit this thread in case you ever need reminders. In case you do, I wholeheartedly agree with Guinevere and jbenben's suggestions here to read The Rules by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider. It's a very misunderstood book indeed, but it's like a secret master class in how to have kickass relationship boundaries if you're a hetero woman. I learned so much from it when it first came out. It's not game-playing at all because you actually do The Rules on yourself, not on other people - and it really clarifies a lot of the "is he or isn't he?" drama we see all the time in AskMe. It kept me from making an ass of myself in my single 20s more times than I can count. I credit this book with helping me find my awesome husband of 10 years who is a catch and the perfect life partner for me in every way. Best wishes to you!
posted by hush at 6:04 PM on February 24, 2015
Excellent news, OP! You said you might revisit this thread in case you ever need reminders. In case you do, I wholeheartedly agree with Guinevere and jbenben's suggestions here to read The Rules by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider. It's a very misunderstood book indeed, but it's like a secret master class in how to have kickass relationship boundaries if you're a hetero woman. I learned so much from it when it first came out. It's not game-playing at all because you actually do The Rules on yourself, not on other people - and it really clarifies a lot of the "is he or isn't he?" drama we see all the time in AskMe. It kept me from making an ass of myself in my single 20s more times than I can count. I credit this book with helping me find my awesome husband of 10 years who is a catch and the perfect life partner for me in every way. Best wishes to you!
posted by hush at 6:04 PM on February 24, 2015
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by peacheater at 7:34 AM on January 30, 2015 [3 favorites]