When a man tells you "You are the one" does he really mean it?
January 26, 2015 5:32 AM   Subscribe

How soon do you realize that the person you are with is the one you are marring? I am sure everyone is different and have a different opinion about this but, I just started to seeing this guy(we both are in 40s), we are doing great, we've been together every day since the day we met. I'm at his house every night and waking up with him every morning. So the things are more than great. But the bottom line is, I only have known him for 2 months. Yes we know alot about each other, he's trying to learn about me fastest he can. I see that every day. but 2 month is still 2 month.

He asked me just last week "Do you see yourself marring me?" So instead of answering that, I asked him "Do you?" and he said "Absolutely. I already know I am marrying you, You are the one" *Btw, despite the fact that I said I don't need any help, He just bought me a health insurance saying we are getting married anyway so let me take care of it. - yes its sweet, I love it that he really wants to take care of me.

We are not young, we both are in 40s. We both were married and failed once before so it's not like we are being reckless and dumb and just going with flow.
Especially for him, he's got alot to lose because he's got so much of assets and fortunes (we both are business owners, I own a small business, his is 100 times bigger than mine, and high profile)

So considering all that, I am absolutely flattered and am happy... but I am anxious, I am nervous at the same time. So my foot is on the brake. I'm a logical, practical and am a realist.

I asked him : Are you always this way? Are you the type that fell in fast and fell out even quicker? He said "No, I am picky, I don't settle for less. But with you, everything is right and I know for a fact that you are the one I've been waiting for, I just knew it and I am just telling you how I feel, I haven't felt this way with anyone for a long time"
With his social and financial status and all, I could see him being the one to pick and choose instead of being picked. I could see any girls would want him.

I don't want to sound jaded, I don't want to tell him I don't believe him. I do believe him being sincere and that's how he feels about me when he's saying "You are IT" But again, I am a realist. I've heard this could happen but it's probably one in a million. I am not sure this is really happening to me.

So I wanted to ask you guys in 40s or someone's opinions who went through similar situations. what are the success rates? Am I being too cautious?
Would you tell me "go for it" or "be careful" If I was your sister?

Are there anyone had something like this before? Did it work? How do I know he is not just enjoying feeling like a teenager and infatuated? or he really know that I am the one. I thought that guys are more careful than girls when it comes to commitment/relationship/marriage etc.

Does "Love at first sight" really exist?

I would love to hear what you think. Not that I'd make decision based on your comments, but since everyone here is pretty decent and have had good enough experiences in life, I thought it'd help me and my thought process.

Thank you in advance.

Helioseath from California ))
posted by heliosheath to Human Relations (47 answers total) 12 users marked this as a favorite
 
If you love each other and are as a good match as you say, there's no reason why it would be harmful to get married in a year or two, instead of now or in a few months. You'll still be together, right? And you'll still be a good match in two years if you're suited to be together in the long term.

If he starts to become impatient and/or controlling as time passes, you'll still be legally single and able to decide whether or not to continue the relationship.

The important thing I think is to be together long enough to see each other when angry, when sick, when exhausted, when going through a rough patch etc. and then see how your interact and how you handle it.

You also want to know about the person's finances and what their family is like before you get married. Ask lots of questions, try to learn as much as you can. Even if he's the kind of guy who "every girl wants" it doesn't mean he's necessarily marriage material for YOU.

This is a useful guide:
http://www.amazon.com/The-Hard-Questions-100-Before/dp/1585426210

(Sort of off topic - but - since you both have businesses and assets - think about whether you want to consult (separate) lawyers before you get married to figure out how to combine/not combine your various property. I'm not saying this because I think you'll get married and then get divorced, I'm saying this because figuring out your property rights/tax obligations now can help you plan in the long run.)

"I thought that guys are more careful than girls when it comes to commitment/relationship/marriage etc."
Everyone is different.

So great that you have found someone who makes you happy and vice versa - just take your time!
posted by zdravo at 5:42 AM on January 26, 2015 [9 favorites]


Yes, sometimes this happens and works out.

On the other hand, sometimes the person acting "too quickly" and putting you on a pedestal in the early phase of a relationship is a sign of other issues. Sometimes it's a sign that they're going to be controlling and push your boundaries, possibly even abusively. The fact that your guy ignored what you said about your health insurance and made a decision for you is the kind of thing I would think about carefully. It may seem romantic now, but being overridden all the time, even "in your best interests", can get ugly; so it's worth seeing whether that's what's going on.

But I don't know him, and generalizations about relationships will only get you so far. Maybe you're one of the lucky ones here.

The important thing here is that you are not comfortable moving that fast, making those kinds of commitments already. You're allowed to say that you're not ready to have these conversations and that you need to table them for (at least) a few months. If he's not able to hear that, then that might be a sign he's not right for you.

And don't be afraid to spend some time apart from him, either. It's good to get perspective on a person you just met.
posted by shattersock at 5:45 AM on January 26, 2015 [22 favorites]


Mod note: Moderator here. This question tilts precariously close to chatfilter, and the title question is unanswerable (different people are different), but I think folks can help out with the more concrete aspects of the question, ie, "Am I being too cautious? Would you tell me "go for it" or "be careful" If I was your sister?"
posted by taz (staff) at 5:45 AM on January 26, 2015 [1 favorite]


My fiancée and I have spent basically every day together from our third date. We talked about marriage two months into our relationship. Both of us could not be happier after two years together.

But be very cautious about him pressuring you. If you don't feel the same way about him, you don't have to reciprocate just because he's making grand romantic gestures.
posted by empath at 5:50 AM on January 26, 2015 [9 favorites]


I knew within a couple of months with Husbunny. I will disclaim that we were on-line friends for a year before we started dating, but once we started dating, I knew pretty quickly that I wanted to marry him.

Our first in person meeting was at the end of July. We were talking about marriage in December, we became officially engaged in February. He moved from New York to Florida, into my house, in April, and we were married at the end of July. So one year from first date to marriage. We'll celebrate our 13th anniversary this year.

I was 39 when I married. I knew the kind of man I wanted to be with, I knew that Husbunny wasn't perfect, and I had all my own ducks in a row, so I wasn't marrying to be rescued. Husbunny didn't even complete my life. He's just a wonderful addition to an already pretty great existence.

It's not the time frame that's important, it's compatibility, mutual goals and values. If you can tick those boxes, there's no reason not to marry. But no one is saying run to Vegas.

If you honestly are crazy about him, go with it. If you want to get engaged next week, do so. If you want to be married before the end of the year, that's cool.

If you can trust yourself to make good choices about men, there's no reason to doubt this choice as well.

Enjoy it.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:53 AM on January 26, 2015 [3 favorites]


Your gut is telling you something. Trust it. Listen to your instincts and be true to yourself.

I suggest continuing to date this wonderful guy at a pace you are comfortable with. Nthing the suggestions to date for another 6 months or a year to get to know each other better and have the difficult conversations (about kids, religion, and spending/saving habits). It seems it is not your character to be rash. He should grow to love that about you.
posted by nicodine at 6:09 AM on January 26, 2015 [12 favorites]


I think a key question to ask yourself is how similar you are to his ex-wife and how similar he is to your ex-husband. IME, it's very easy to fall quickly for someone who seems to be just like "the ex" except for whatever flaw the ex had that led to the disenchantment and eventual divorce. In those instances, it's really easy to fall out of love almost as quickly because you were trying to improve on a failed relationship rather than initiating a completely different and "real" relationship.

If you can honestly say that each of you differs greatly from the other's ex, then you have likely achieved a rare and wonderful thing that should be cherished. Don't spoil it by clinging to "rules" that don't apply.
posted by DrGail at 6:13 AM on January 26, 2015 [2 favorites]


You don't really know someone after two months. Not at all. In most situations, I'd argue that it takes a year or two to truly know what someone is like. If this is really the relationship for you, why not wait a little longer? Yes, I have seen relationships like yours move incredibly quickly and survive long-term, but more often I have seen them crash and burn once the honeymoon period passed.

Your gut is telling you to move slowly and you should listen to it. Any SO worth keeping around will respect this.
posted by futureisunwritten at 6:18 AM on January 26, 2015 [5 favorites]


Do YOU feel that he's the "one"? That's actually the more important question.
posted by bearette at 6:33 AM on January 26, 2015 [14 favorites]


Btw, what's the cultural background you guys are coming from? It seems as if english isn't your first language, so I'm wondering if maybe he's coming from a more paternalistic society.
posted by empath at 6:40 AM on January 26, 2015


My husband knew right away that he wanted to marry me. I basically told him we weren't going to get engaged for a year because, well, you need time to be sure you're not dating an axe murderer, I hear they can be very charming. He thought this was kind-of silly, but I'm more practical-minded and believe in taking time over big decisions even if you think you know exactly what you want. So we dated for a year and then were engaged for a year. We've been married 13 years, I feel like it worked out okay. :)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 6:42 AM on January 26, 2015 [6 favorites]


I think when he says "you are the one" that soon, maybe what's going on is that he really wants it to be true, rather than it being true. And time may reveal some things about you TO him that will make him think "oh, wait, I didn't know about that. Shit." And it is my own bitter experience that is bearing that out (there's a very said AskMe from very early in my comment history asking about a breakup from a guy who was telling me he loved me and all that - he'd also said "you may be The One", too - at first).

I would indeed be cautious, yes. Enjoy what's going, enjoy the process, and live in hope, but be cognizant that at two months, hope and potential is all that it is, and you just need more data.

If he's still saying it after about six months, then maybe.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:48 AM on January 26, 2015 [4 favorites]


If you were my sister, I would tell you that if you are exactly the right people for each other right now, you will be exactly the right people for each other six months or a year or two years from now. If there's no pressing need to get married immediately for something like visas or health insurance, then I would suggest that you keep doing what you're doing, maybe move in together in a few months, maybe look at marriage again in a year. You haven't had a chance to see how you deal with life's bumps and curveballs together yet, and that's information you need to have.

Also, you are in an awesome honeymoon stage and yes, that raises red flags and makes some of us urge you to be careful and whatnot. But also? It's awesome! It's a honeymoon stage! It would be great for both of you if you could just relax and go with the flow and enjoy this unique limerence period you're in right now, not worrying about whether you are Exactly The Right Ones For Each Other or whether you should get married, but just appreciating what you have right now.
posted by Stacey at 6:50 AM on January 26, 2015 [1 favorite]


he said "Absolutely. I already know I am marrying you, You are the one"

Have you told him that you were interested in marrying him? If not, I would be very concerned that he seems willing to make major decisions like this without your input.

*Btw, despite the fact that I said I don't need any help, He just bought me a health insurance saying we are getting married anyway so let me take care of it.

See above.
posted by Asparagus at 6:51 AM on January 26, 2015 [16 favorites]


Yeah, give it some time. If/when you do get married, it'll just be a continuation of what you have now (with some financial perks). So if you like the way things are now, stick with that. Take time to get to know each other and enjoy each other before you rush into anything.
posted by witchen at 6:52 AM on January 26, 2015


For what it's worth, red flags went up for me when he did something like buy you insurance on the presumption that you're getting married even though you didn't say you would marry him. He's being unilateral here and you look at it as him wanting to take care of you, but the sinister look at it is that it's controlling and it's not considering how you feel and what you want.

Sounds like he's really excited, but this kind of excitement in a relationship doesn't work if both people aren't feeling it and, honestly, it's clear that you're not. Maybe tell him to chill it with the huge overtures and big pronouncements for a time while you sort out how you feel.

Your gut is telling you something is up. You don't feel comfortable. Listen to yourself.
posted by inturnaround at 6:54 AM on January 26, 2015 [26 favorites]


If you're both in your 40s, with luck you could expect to live another 50 years or so. Two months seems a very short time for a decision that will affect the next 50 years.
posted by Pallas Athena at 7:10 AM on January 26, 2015 [1 favorite]


After dating my guy for 2 months, I told my close girlfriend "yeah, I'll probably marry him."

It turns out he felt I was "the one" from VERY early on.

BUT we also took our sweet time. Because the outcome of marriage was "obvious" there was no need to rush the relationship so we let it build naturally.

zdravo and ruthless bunny have it - pace it well, explore the relationship, build trust and enjoy. Don't second guess this so much.

Let's put it another way - time will tell. There's only one way to see if this is "for sure" and that's to treat it as if it is, and see what happens. Both feet in.

PS. If he's a successful business owner, he's most likely the sort of person who is decisive, action-oriented and trusts his gut. So it's no surprise he 1) saw you 2) likes you 3) wants you 4) makes it known -- and in clear and unambiguous terms.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 7:14 AM on January 26, 2015 [8 favorites]


If you want positive stories:

My husband and I decided we wanted to be married about two months into our relationship. We got engaged after dating for a year and a half and got married a year after that, but we knew early on that this is where we were headed.

That said. It's completely irrelevant to your situation because that depends on how you feel. If you were both on the same page I'd say hell, why not? But you're not comfortable with it so pace yourself. He'll be "the one" a year from now, too, if that's how things shake out.
posted by lydhre at 7:30 AM on January 26, 2015 [1 favorite]


Actually, the two month mark is when I told my (now) fiancé, "I know I want forever with you, I just don't need it to happen right now." (His response was "Oh my God", followed by silence, which I still tease him about. I needed more context than that!!!!!! [it was a good "Oh my God", for the record]). The M-word wasn't mentioned until the 1 year mark, and the actual ceremony isn't happening until the 2.5 year mark.

So. I think you can know, but really, what's the rush? That's what I'd tell my sister.
posted by chainsofreedom at 7:37 AM on January 26, 2015


FWIW, I'm divorced.

I knew within a few days that things were going to be very serious with my ex-husband, we decided to move in together after 2 weeks, and actually moved in after about 2 months, and lived as committed as a married couple, eventually buying a house, and marrying 8 years later. We were together a total of 12 years, and part of me still thinks he was the one.

There is no need to rush into marriage -- marriage isn't just about a feeling or love, it is a contract. You two are both business owners -- how much time and research would you need to merge companies and the risks that that entails.

You can enjoy each other and be seriously committed while still giving yourself time to feel comfortable with the idea of marriage and to really know whether you want to spend your life with him.
posted by hrj at 7:39 AM on January 26, 2015 [1 favorite]


Well, you're allowed to say whatever you feel at the moment, but you're also allowed to change your mind if, down the road, this person you think is momentarily the one does something that changes how you see them.

So, stay realistic, enjoy the moment, romance can sweep you off your feet and then you can end up on "Who the Bleep Did I Marry?"

No way to tell after only 2 months. But keep your wits about you as much as possible, and be careful.
posted by discopolo at 7:42 AM on January 26, 2015 [4 favorites]


My husband decided he was going to marry me after a month. He didn't tell me for another year. We are relatively happily married now. I think it's actually quite common for guys to "know" that "this is the one", they just don't usually say it so we are blissfully unaware.

I would check out his businesses and make sure they are really doing as well as he says, but after that, if you were my sister, I would say "Go for it!"
posted by corb at 7:51 AM on January 26, 2015 [2 favorites]


My husband and I both privately came to the conclusion that - barring any horrible surprises - we were probably a done deal. Because there is no "one", this really came down to both of us being personally ready to settle down and then finding each other compatible for the general plans we had for ourselves.

We did sort of rashly move in together at 4 months, but didn't get engaged until the 8 month mark and married at 16 months. We spent the time in between checking for those horrible surprises.

Of course our lives look nothing like those general plans we had 12 years ago - we both pushed each other to pursue new and more interesting plans that emerged along the way, and some other stuff didn't go the way we hoped. There were things that I didn't know then would be a big deal to me now, and there's probably an alternate reality where I figured that out in time and didn't marry him and that would probably be okay, but it's workable as it is.

But here's the deal: you're kind of supposed to feel like that at 2 months. If you can't feel over the moon about somebody when you haven't been together long enough to have any problems, why are you even together? You don't start at 0% with someone and work up to 100, you start somewhere around 60-80 and spend some time adjusting up and down.

Let that process happen for a while. Especially if you're in your 40s, when you have lives of your own and careers and other considerations and a spouse isn't going to be the end-all-be-all, it has to be somebody who fits in - and both of you are going to have really specific spousal expectations at your age, and they all need to be put on the table and discussed.

It's fine that you feel limerance, but it's not a direct order from god. It's just feel-good-juice in your brain. Enjoy it, but continue to use the other parts of your brain.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:08 AM on January 26, 2015 [5 favorites]


(In my 40s for the record)

Taking things slow before making a legal commitment hurts nothing, certainly not true love.

We talked marriage two months in. But I insisted on a long engagement, for that reason; he seemed amazing and I was in love, but, I wanted some time to get to know him. So we were engaged for 18 months and by then, I was really sure. You don't have to do it that way, but if you need to, give him a deadline; say "I want to table this till 12 months out, just so you and I both have a chance to see each other in lots of different situations. There's no need to rush."

If he can't handle that, though? That is a HUGE red flag.

I hear a lot of insecurity in your comments, about his wealth and social status, and how he can "pick and choose" and so on, and you need to examine that. You are worthwhile whether or not he "chooses" you. Wealth and status (and looks) don't make you a good person or a good mate. Don't let those things cloud your judgment. You need to make your decision from a place of feeling good about yourself, so that if it doesn't work out, or feel right, you can walk away because you deserve happiness and not to be put in a dicey situation.

Can't speak to "love at first sight" it didn't happen that way with us (more like "love at umpteenth nerdy conversation"). But again, waiting will take care of that; if it's infatuation, then you'll find out, if it's not, no harm done.

Best to you and good luck!
posted by emjaybee at 8:14 AM on January 26, 2015 [8 favorites]


On my second date with my now-husband, I knew that I was either going to dump him in a month or marry him. I felt so strongly about him that I knew it would either burn out or last forever.

That was 18 years ago, and we've been married for 14.
posted by OrangeDisk at 8:15 AM on January 26, 2015 [1 favorite]


I will be 45 this year and was 38 when I married my husband. Also, I divorced at 32.

We knew each other 2 months, dated for 2 weeks, married 7 years this summer. Happy!

That said, I'm with Asparagus - it kinda sounds like he's buying you and that this is not mutual. In my case, it was very very mutual. Also, this man you are asking about is in California? Has a lot of money? In his 40's and divorced?

Hmmm. I live in LA, by way of much more "down to earth" places. Go slow. My experience here with men of this pedigree is they are very committed to fantasies. California kinda lends itself to that. You're "the one" until the wind changes, or he gets a hang nail, or whatever. Men will give you cars, pay for medical or cosmetic procedures, your mortgage or rent - then poof! Suddenly, it's all over.

Wealthy men here have a strange way of "trying out" lifetime committed relationships the same way most people try on clothes at a department store. As long as you are aware of this, have fun. If it turns into something, great. If not, that's just how it shakes out most of the time.

Keep your financial life separate from his. Do you have a business lawyer? Consult your attorney if this guy escalates financial entanglements, similar to the medical insurance thing.

He could be 100% genuine, a player, or he might be scamming you and he might not be as well off as you are being lead to believe. As an internet stranger I can not tell. Everything I told you about my dating experience in California is true several times over.
posted by jbenben at 8:26 AM on January 26, 2015 [1 favorite]


I think there's a huge difference between knowing someone is "the one" right away, telling them that right away, and acting on this knowledge.

I would think nothing of somebody who, much later on, told me that they knew right away. I've had something pretty close to "love at first sight", or at least meeting someone and knowing immediately that I could see myself with them long term.

If someone told me at the two month point that I was The One and they were going to marry me someday, I would think that was kind of nuts. I wouldn't necessarily run, but it would be a yellow flag and I would probably start analyzing every interaction we had and everything about them and trying to figure out exactly how insane that assessment was.

If someone wanted to comingle important life stuff like health insurance and money (especially making major purchases on my behalf) after two months, I would run for the fucking hills. Nope. Not OK. I would also wonder what kinds of strings were attached to those purchases and what the fallout would be when the honeymoon period was over.

I've dated a lot. I've been with a number of people where the beginning was SO INTENSE and everything was perfect and it seemed obvious that we were Meant To Be and this was going to be a serious long term relationship, possibly leading to marriage. And then that beginning limerance was over, and the relationship crashed and burned very quickly. The idea of having major life arrangements like health insurance tied into something like that is terrifying to me.
posted by Sara C. at 8:47 AM on January 26, 2015 [4 favorites]


I just finished reading How To Avoid Marrying A Jerk. It suggested a three month rule-of-thumb as the time it usually takes for deal-breaking aspects of someone's personality to start coming out. (Longer if you're in an online relationship or another situation where you don't see each other every day.) So there's that.
posted by clawsoon at 9:17 AM on January 26, 2015 [1 favorite]


My wife claims she knew within half an hour I was the one:) We got engaged nine months after we started dating but waited almost three years to get married (OK, part of that was waiting for the law to change so that we COULD get married as a same-sex couple but I still would have insisted on a t least a year's engagement). Very happily married now.
posted by coffee_monster at 9:36 AM on January 26, 2015 [1 favorite]


Sure, it's hard to wait when you're in luuuuve, in lust, or in limerence. He's a big boy. He can do it.


There's an old saying that fits this: Marry in haste, repent in leisure.

I can't think of anybody that ever said we married too late. I can think of quite a few that have said we married too soon.

Tell him how flattered you are, then tell him you want to enjoy a leisurely period of really getting to know each other before your long engagement.

If he pushes your boundaries, that's probably a red flag.
posted by BlueHorse at 9:58 AM on January 26, 2015 [7 favorites]


If you do the math - if you two have been together every day for two months, let's call it 12 hours / day, that means you've spent 720 hours together in close proximity. Y'all were probably asleep for 2/3rds of that time, but still that's 240 hours.

I'm an older guy, on my 2nd marriage, just a few random opinions on the topic:

- What has his dating history been like since his divorce? If you're the first woman he's dated after his divorce - I would tread carefully. People who are just out of a marriage are notoriously flaky.

- If he's been unmarried for awhile, what kind of relationships has he had before you? I don't have a specific decision tree for you to run through, just: it might be worthwhile to compare your relationship to his past relationships. Bluntly: has he told anyone else "you're the one"?

- I'll agree with others that y'all probably shouldn't run out and get married immediately. But maybe set a date for about a year from now. Especially if you're both business people, and you can get your assets lined up so that if it turns out it's a mistake, you can untangle without ruining each other.

- Given that he checks out in other ways, I'm inclined to think the fellow is sincere when he tells you you're "the one". I'm sure he thought about it a lot before he said it. And while some people are talking about 'boundaries' and 'pushiness' and so forth - from his perspective, remember that he doesn't want you to get away. I mean that in a nice, honorable way: if you're "the one" to him, he wants you to know he holds you in high esteem, and he doesn't want you to start dating other people, etc.

Good luck with this! Compared to some of the issues that people have, you've got a 'problem' that some people would envy! :)
posted by doctor tough love at 10:33 AM on January 26, 2015 [3 favorites]


Please read asparagus's comment several times.

This is very soon. It may end up being perfect, but go at your speed. Don't be rushed. Don't ... Be ... Rushed.

despite the fact that I said I don't need any help, He just bought me a health insurance saying we are getting married anyway so let me take care of it. -

This is not sweet, to me. This is scary. You said you didn't want help. He ignored your clearly stated preference.

You have not said you want to marry him. You have not received or accepted a marriage proposal.

Be careful. And don't be rushed.
posted by headnsouth at 11:02 AM on January 26, 2015 [6 favorites]


I was fairly sure within about 6 weeks that I was going to marry my now-husband, and he claims the same. We actually got married 4 years later--no problems with the relationship, but we just had other stuff going on that made it impractical or inconvenient to get married sooner, and we didn't have any compelling reason to do it. So, sure, you can "know", but there's no reason to actually make it legal sooner than you're ready of, and it seems from your question that you're not.

The health insurance thing bothers me a little because it seems a little presumptuous and controlling the way you describe it, but it also seems like something my dad (the nicest and least controlling man in the world) would do for someone he loved--more like "here is a problem this person I love has. I can fix this problem easily with minimal effort!"

So yeah, I agree with most of the folks here that there no reason to think you guys won't have a successful relationship, but there are also a lot of good reasons to approach things like marriage or other legally/financially complicated mergers of your lives with your eyes open about the ramifications.
posted by The Elusive Architeuthis at 11:03 AM on January 26, 2015 [3 favorites]


prev
posted by j_curiouser at 11:46 AM on January 26, 2015


Experiment with the pacing a little.. not to game play but just to see if he can respect that (a dangerous relationship is one that goes 100 miles per hr in the beginning, when the other partner has no time to reflect). Things can start fast and be positive and workable... way more often for the securely attached than insecurely read up on attachment styles). If you are anxious attachment someone coming on like a tonne of bricks (however wonderful it feels) can be the persons kryptonite as the need/deficit is so great.

It might be interesting to find out more about his relationship history and whether he has close/substantial and longstanding friendships. I don't want to rain on anyones parade just sharing things I wish I'd known!
Notice how he handles disagreement (you may not have even had one yet). Consider whether or not you were in a vulnerable place when you met.
posted by tanktop at 12:40 PM on January 26, 2015


Lots of great advice above.

One cautionary note: a dishonest who desperately needs someone for reason X is the sort of person who would rush a relationship. Such a person would only be successful if they were a good liar, which means "that isn't like him" is exactly the sort of response you'd make. His business is much bigger than yours... but that can also mean he's losing much more than you imagine. He's bought insurance for you... which might be a very cost-effective way to assure you he's financially solvent.

Of course, an honest person might show all the same signs. The difference is an honest person who respects you wouldn't pressure you to make a LIFELONG FINANCIAL DECISION - the one Warren Buffet refers to as "the most important financial decision you'll ever make" - quickly.

Trust your gut, not his actions. If his actions are sincere, time will prove that.
posted by IAmBroom at 1:48 PM on January 26, 2015 [3 favorites]


The advice I would give my sister is: if you put aside his words and look only at his actions, what kind of guy is he?

If you can't tell yet, because you haven't been together long enough to judge from his actions, then wait.

If his actions make you uncomfortable, speak up about it, and wait.

If his actions make you feel good only because of the context his words provide ("I own a big business." "I will marry you.") but outside of that context wouldn't feel so good, then wait. Ignore the words, and wait until you've seen enough of his actions in the context of his other actions so that you can see his overall patterns of behavior.
posted by Bentobox Humperdinck at 4:40 PM on January 26, 2015 [7 favorites]


If this is going to be a wonderful relationship, taking things slow will not change that. If this is not going to be a wonderful relationship, you can spare yourself a lot of pain by taking it slow. And maybe doing your research. This story broke my heart.
posted by MrBobinski at 5:19 PM on January 26, 2015 [5 favorites]


I've done small business accounting for years and I've got to say I've heard people say they're successful, be considered wildly successful but be teetering on bankruptcy. Sometimes people will not even be able to admit it to themselves. Buying the insurance is weird to me, I would advise you go ahead and move forward but keep your finances separate. If you marry have an attorney draw up a pre-nup.
posted by readery at 5:28 PM on January 26, 2015 [4 favorites]


I agree with others above. If this relationship is a good relationship then you have no reason to rush it.
All my past relationships were rushed. Said I love you within a week, moved in together after a month, spent every day together. I rushed into marriage and it was terrible, abusive, devastating and a disaster.
I've been with my current SO for 1.5 years. We didn't say I love you until 4 months. We spend 2 days a week apart so we can have alone time. We don't plan on moving in together until next year so we will have been together around 2.5 years.
This is the healthiest relationship I've ever been in. We don't overdose on each other, we take things slow, we respect each other. You deserve the same.
posted by shesbenevolent at 7:23 PM on January 26, 2015


Look, some rush relationships end up WONDERFUL. And some end up badly. I can't tell right now over the Internet which one this is, though the health insurance thing is a little weird.

In my real life, the folks who rushed into relationships haven't gone so well. I have one friend who married a guy she met online VERY QUICKLY after meeting him and hooooooo boy, was that ever a whopping disaster of infamous proportions and then there were children. I have another friend who had a weekend stand with a guy and then he showed up at her door Monday morning and didn't leave and a few weeks later was all, "Yeah, I could marry you, pick a date." They've been married nearly 30 years, but I don't think she's happy and he is verbally abusive and sexually pushy. I had a quickie engagement once upon a time myself but didn't run into eloping, which was good because while my ex was a good guy, he wasn't up to supporting himself worth a damn and I am glad I had the time to repent at leisure/not dig myself a hole by marrying him and then going broke.

My advice is to wait and see and don't marry him (if you wanna get quickie engaged, you'll learn a lot, though....) until you have been with him at least a year. I don't know if CLOCK IS TICKING is an issue for you, but you need time to get to know if he's safe to be with before you commit. Once you marry him, it's a lot harder to get back out.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:06 PM on January 26, 2015 [4 favorites]


The second time I met my husband, before we'd even started dating, he loudly announced to everyone else at the poker table that he was going to marry me someday. I blew it off as drunken shit-talking at the time but he turned out to be right. He's since said he actually knew the first time he met me but was too shy to say it then. We got married after dating for about six months.

So, I'd say yes, sometimes you can know that soon, and that if there are no red flags then sure, go for it. If you want to do your due diligence then hire a private investigator to do a background check to make sure there aren't any deal-breaking skeletons in his closet.
posted by Jacqueline at 5:29 PM on January 27, 2015


FWIW: I am a 49 yo woman and divorced. I have not yet really had to deal with this. I have been alone a long time for medical reasons. But I attract the attention of a lot of men who have a lot more success than I have, so I have thought a lot about this kind of problem space and about why these types of men might be attracted to me. I think if I had been male and not had the health problems I have, I would likely be their peer in the business world. Y

ou have a small business and are a woman. That probably makes you as close to a peer as he is likely to date. I think extremely successful men have trouble finding women who their equals in terms of accomplishments, so the best they can do in most cases is find a woman who is their peer intellectually or in terms of competence or ability and accept that her real world accomplishments are probably going to be less than his.

For me, the answer would depend on whether he was using his success and position to help me become more successful or whether he was basically pressuring me give up my goals and be the supportive wife because he makes enough that I don't need to work. That's the conclusion I have drawn. I can understand why some very successful men are crazy excited to meet someone they feel is their peer when that is probably rare for them and I can imagine marrying such a man even though his wealth and success is potentially problematic for me, but he would have to be handling things in a way that did not undermine my fundamental agency in order for me to say "yeah, this is okay." And if I wasn't sure, yeah, I would give it time to see how it plays out. You don't have to decide right away if you don't want to.

But that may not be what matters to you. So if you were my sister, I would ask you to think about what kind of future you desire -- not what you think is realistic, but what would you want if you could have anything. And then think about whether or not he fits your mental model for that future, whether he gets you closer to that ideal or further away from it. If he seems like he gets you closer to your idea of the perfect life for you, then I would say "go for it." But if not, then I would say you should continue to be cautious.
posted by Michele in California at 5:30 PM on January 27, 2015


He sounds charming, and like a lot of guys he might be completely sincere in knowing and stating his feelings strongly. That doesn't mean you have to marry him as soon as possible, though. It doesn't even mean he's right. Sincerity is essential for a good relationship, but it's not enough all by itself.

The honeymoon phase is a real thing, and it's a fun and exciting time in a relationship. Enjoy it, have fun! But you already know it's based on a flood of hormones and talk is cheap. His actions over the long term and your gut instincts should guide your decisions about something so important as marriage. What's he like when times are tough - stoic, aggressive, withdrawn, whiny? Is he what you want or just what you think you should want? What do you know about his values? Those 100 questions linked above are fertile ground for conversation and you might learn more about yourself as well as him, which is always nice.

There's so much time for you to get to know him thoroughly. And there's no rush to decide how you feel about him - if you're not an impulsive person, don't be rushed by some ideal timeline. Have fun, but keep your eyes open so your heart can figure it out on its own schedule.
posted by harriet vane at 3:33 AM on January 28, 2015


He certainly can mean it and you have my permission to go for it if you feel the same. There are numerous couples who hit it off quickly and wanted to make a commitment early. If you feel in your heart that you want to be with him and trust his motives, I see no reason to follow a slower schedule that younger folks prefer and use your experience to allow you to trust your feelings.
posted by waving at 9:16 AM on January 29, 2015


So how did things go? :)
posted by iamleda at 2:45 PM on August 15, 2015


« Older Help me skirt tables   |   For a teen visiting London what are some cool... Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.