Confused about dating, too fickle to live
January 23, 2015 12:04 PM   Subscribe

If anyone wants to help me with my weird confusion about dating, read on.. .

I've been single for the past year and I'm sick and tired of it. however, I keep passing up opportunities to begin dating and I can't figure out what my issue is.
I broke up with my last bf about a 14 months ago... the first 8 months of being single were of blissful solitude. I'm not the type of person that dates a lot.... I'm super careful with who I go out with because I'm afraid of being thrown off balance. But right now I feel like I want to try a different strategy, mostly because i'm bored of being single. This fickleness I'm dealing with is actually causing me a lot of anxiety because I cant' figure out why I'm acting this way or how to move forward.

This guy from my french class started flirting with me last semester, I started thinking he was pretty cute, and i thought I was interested in dating him. we kept making plans to meet up ( not explicitly as a date though), but they never ended up working. I sort of lost interest in him for a while because he was being really namby-pamby about asking me out ( ie: he would say something like, "if you ever come downtown, let me know and we can take a coffee break".. to me this isn't a real date) Finally, last week has asked me to go bowling with him and his friends, and I said yes and I was looking forward to it. Then when the day came, I had a shit ton of reading to do, but I also for some reason lost all interest in going out with him, so I didnt end up going. I don't know what my problem is; I've told myself I wanted to start dating again. But then when an opportunity comes up, I lose all my interest. I've thought about asking him out again, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I really don't want to be a dick about this, maybe it was just an off day?

I'm always scared of going out with someone and then having them do something that makes me instantly lose the feeling of being attracted to them. For example, the guy above told me he'd never heard of The Beatles (to be fair to him.. he is from the middle east) and this stupid little thing made me lose a lot of interest in him.

Another similar situation happened last summer. This guitarist and I had a little musical duo going, it was lots of fun and we had good musical chemistry and he was a super nice guy with blue eyes.. After a few months of playing together, he told me he had developed a crush on me ( he did it in the sweetest way, too). But for some reason, I couldn't bring myself to date him.

I've never done the casual dating thing... I find it hard to have casual relationships or even friendships. they always seem to become deeper quite fast. So maybe I'm afraid of going on dates because I'm afraid of getting into a serious thing too fast. But ultimately I do want a serious thing because casual things just don't make sense to me.

on the other hand, once in a while I meet someone who I am 100% sure I am attracted to. I met a guy on the greyhound that I was totally into, but it turned out he was seeing someone. Also, last semester I met this guy who is basically my Dream Man but he's an international post-doc student, super super smart and super busy, and I haven't heard from him since before Xmas so I'm kind of giving up on that. So I do know that people exist that I am truly attracted to...

I guess I'm looking for help sorting out my confusion about why I am being so demure about dating and how to figure out what my next strategy should be. I don't want to not date! Should I be going out with people that I am only sort of attracted to? Does attraction grow and develop over time once you get to know the person better, or do you have to be attracted to them right away? Why am I immediately attracted to some people and know for certain that I would go out with them, but with others I think I'm attracted to them but then when it comes to actually going out with them I can't feel enthusiastic about it? Do I think of a date as something more serious than it actually is?

*I've already considered the idea that maybe I'm not attracted to men.... but I've tested this hypothesis and it's been proven false
posted by winterportage to Human Relations (13 answers total) 7 users marked this as a favorite
 
You are afraid simultaneously of going on a date with someone and them saying or doing something that will turn you off immediately and you're afraid of getting into a serious thing fast. But the former ensures the latter doesn't happen.

But the thing is that things have to be casual first because that's how you get to first know them. Feel them out. Kick the tires. If things start at 11, where can you go from there? No, you have to build, ditch out of a few that seem like dead ends, and progress with those who seem like a good fit.

As for this guy at school? You're likely putting a lot of confusing signals out there. I'd be thrown, too. And now with you cancelling on him? Well, I wouldn't know what to think there.

I think you're afraid of being surprised. I think you're afraid of being knocked off your feet in love. So you do all these things that contradict themselves to make sure that you're protected. Stop making excuses, be prepared for the occasional dud, and move on with your life.
posted by inturnaround at 12:18 PM on January 23, 2015 [2 favorites]


I wonder if your confusion isn't about dating itself, but rather whether it's what your definition of dating IS, or what you want out of it?

Lemme 'splain - maybe you haven't really sat down and figured out for yourself what it is you WANT out of a dating situation now. Are you dating because "i'm bored and lonely but that's it and so all I want is a guy to have a fun casual fling with and then it'll just peter out when it runs its course and that'll be totally okay"? Or are you dating because "I am trying to find someone to settle down with"? Or are you dating because "I just want to see what happens"?

I suspect that maybe you have each of those impulses going on with you right now, but you haven't decided which one is your approach yet - so that when you meet a guy, your "I'm just in it for a fling" brain is taking over, and it's all into the idea of dating, but then later on your "no, I'm dating for realsies" brain is taking over and THAT'S the one that's saying "ick, no, that guy's good for a fling but not for a REAL commitment, SHUN HIM".

So maybe spending some time figuring out, on your own, what it is you want out of a dating situation right now may be worth it. Because once you figure that out, you then know what kinds of signals to throw out, what kind of signals to respond to in the first place, and how to play things. My own dating life got much more smooth recently when I stopped just sort of being passively "oh I don't know whatever happens is whatever happens" letting things shake down, and actually flat-out decided, "you know what, I only have the mental energy for a casual fling right now and that's it". I mean, I'm OPEN to more, but it's not a requirement - what I need primarily now is fun and frolic, and I'm acting accordingly.

Good luck.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:22 PM on January 23, 2015 [8 favorites]


But then when an opportunity comes up, I lose all my interest.

...

I'm always scared of going out with someone and then having them do something that makes me instantly lose the feeling of being attracted to them.


Sounds to me like you've answered your own question. I think for a lot of people, once you've had a really good relationship, it's really hard to get back into dating. We want that intimacy and closeness and sharing a bowl of mashed potatoes or whatever Your Thing Together was, and as time moves on we forget or soften the edges of the awkwardness and risk that it took to get to that place with that person. Wanting to leapfrog from "Hi you're cute" to "Tuesday is Taco Night with my partner" without all the risk and worry in between.

People are going to do stuff that lessens or destroys your attraction to them. It happens. Sometimes it bounces back, sometimes it doesn't. It's simply not possible to guarantee that your attraction will stay the same. Or to put it another way, nobody's perfect and it's probably not realistic to avoid going on dates because of that.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 12:41 PM on January 23, 2015 [4 favorites]


May I suggest that you are not really sick of being single? Or at least, you are not sick enough?

I think the truth is that sometimes we feel like we want something ("a relationship!") but we also want something else that's in opposition to that desire ("to avoid dating so that I can avoid getting hurt!"). You know, because we're human and often want things that are in conflict.

Things tend to change when the scale tips one way or the other.. you start to want a relationship MORE than you want to avoid getting hurt. You get SO sick of not dating that your desire to date grows. And when you have the genuine desire to date - when it increases - then you start doing things that people who want to date do: going out, meeting people, taking people up on their invitations, asking people out, reading about dating, talking about it in therapy (if that's your thing), taking the risk of being disappointed.. getting your heart broken and trying again anyway.

When you really, really, really get sick of being single, your genuine desire to date will grow. For now, I think you're still mostly ambivalent and more committed to getting something out of not dating (maybe a sense of control, safety?) than you are committed to .. dating.

So my suggestion is to ask yourself this question: What do I get from not dating? What do I get from staying home instead of going out with that guy? What is it that I actually seem to want right now MORE than a relationship?
posted by Gray Skies at 12:43 PM on January 23, 2015 [5 favorites]


You are hooked on the idea of unrequited love.

In the case of guys who like you, you really like the idea of a dude having a crush on you, but may or may not actually be interested in the person underneath the crush.

In the case of you being attracted to unavailable guys, I think you seek this out (or more specifically, get off on the discovery that these guys are not available).

I think the reason for the former may be the latter: by definition, a guy who is into you is therefore NOT unavailable, and thus is less desirable.

Also, I think everything you say about not wanting to date casually, feeling like the guy who asked you out didn't ask you out ENOUGH, etc. are excuses to continue enabling your fixation on unavailable guys. You are a student, and therefore most likely in your early 20s if not your late teens. Nobody that age goes on formal Dates. If you are unwaveringly committed to only going on Dates, put dating on hold until you are in your mid to late 20s. Or... you could just go out with people who ask you out, on the terms that they ask (assuming we're not talking about people who treat you like shit), and see if you like them back and want something more.

Another idea: what about finding (available) people you like and asking them out on the kinds of dates you'd like to go on?
posted by Sara C. at 12:55 PM on January 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


Response by poster: Just to clarify,
I'm a grad student, the people I'm interested in are 25+, and no, I'm not in my late teens. But, I don't have a lot of relationship experience.
posted by winterportage at 1:02 PM on January 23, 2015


So... you're a student in your early 20s.

If you want to be going out for more than just coffee or a beer, you need to be the one doing the asking out. Because coffee/beer is the default first date for people in your situation.

Also, ask yourself whether the issue is your level of interest in the person, or the manner in which they asked/the outing they proposed. I have gone on dates with people I was wild about that were just long walks. I have gone on very elaborate Capital D Date Events with people who turned out to be assholes. I have had people very shyly and tentatively ask me out who turned out to be absolutely committed from the start, and people who talked a big game about how much they yearned to see me who turned out not to be into me at all. It's really much more about the person, and not very much about their initial display of interest/proposed date activity.
posted by Sara C. at 1:13 PM on January 23, 2015 [3 favorites]


I like grey skies' answer a lot.

I wanted add, it could be fear of abandonment or fear of intimacy. These are not cliches, they are very real fears that manifest in various self-defeating ways, like setting up a date and then flaking out at the last minute, or having chemistry "only" with partners who are doomed to fail.


Should I be going out with people that I am only sort of attracted to?


Sure. My 2 rules for a 1st date: would we having something to talk about? could I picture myself kissing his face? If yes & yes, then eh it's worth a date.

It took me up to date #5 to think "oh yes this IS something" with my partner. Until then, the dates were "ok, that's interesting, I'll take another date and see how it goes...." But I definitely had continued interested in looking further. I wasn't bored or forcing myself to do it.


Does attraction grow and develop over time once you get to know the person better, or do you have to be attracted to them right away?

I hear it depends. I am an "attraction grows" kind of a person, others are "need to feel IT asap" people.

btw my partner was WAY cuter on our 2nd date than our first. I remember seeing him and thinking: holy shit, when did he get so hot? Was he always this tall? That was a sign....


Why am I immediately attracted to some people and know for certain that I would go out with them, but with others I think I'm attracted to them but then when it comes to actually going out with them I can't feel enthusiastic about it?


It could be as simple as "some you like, some you're trying to convince yourself to like" or it could be as deep as fear of intimacy.

Maybe you are the sort of person who overrides your feelings a lot. Just because someone likes you doesn't mean you have to like them back, even if they're nice and don't do anything wrong. It takes more than just looks and an ok personality to create a good match. I dated a lot of nice guys but my partner and I click because he's stubborn enough to argue his point with me, but soft enough to accommodate the relationship. I met a lot of cute guys who had the latter but not the former and so I'd feel a little like "he's cute but...."


Do I think of a date as something more serious than it actually is?

Maybe. A date isn't an engagement - it's just is this worth 1-2hrs of my time, what else would I be doing and do I want to kiss their face?

And at the end of the date, if they don't impress you, say thanks for the date and don't kiss their face. But you gotta give them a fair chance to impress you...
posted by St. Peepsburg at 1:26 PM on January 23, 2015


There are many ways to break the ice. Join a group that will reliably have trustworthy men - perhaps a reading group, a church or a therapy group. Then respond to flirts or tentative questions.

Going out with a guy is not a commitment. It's no more than what you make of it. Just let it happen. A cup of coffee is just a cup of coffee, not a marriage proposal.
posted by KRS at 1:28 PM on January 23, 2015


Part of the problem is that it doesn't sound like you enjoy the beginning part of a relationship. If you wanted to get to know these folks, you would have made that happen. Don't look at every date as a potential partnership, figure that this person has an interesting story to tell you and be eager to hear it.

Now, there is a spark of attraction, and it's pretty obvious if it's between you and someone else, and it's also obvious if it's absent. So go on dates with the expectation that you'll get to know someone better, and see if there's a spark there.

If you're turned off, you'll know pretty quickly, if you're not sure, keep going out, by around date 3 or 4 you'll have figured out if you're attracted and interested in dating, or if you just want to hang out as friends, or after a few dates, you may discover that he's just not someone you'd like to keep seeing.

The idea that you'll fall for someone right away, and that you'll stay infatuated or fall in love quickly is the stuff of rom-coms, not reality. I knew Husbunny as a friend for over a year before we started dating. Once we started dating it took about 3 or 4 months to know that this was a forever thing. We were also in our late thirties and frankly, we were very secure with who we were and what we wanted in a partner.

You're young, chances are that the relationships you'll have in the next few years will not stand the test of time. So date a few guys, see where it goes. Understand that as you get older, have more experiences you'll grow and change and most of the time a relationship that was right when you were 25 won't suit you when you're 30.

So go, date, invite people out if you want to. See where it goes. If you lose interest, you lose interest, and vice-versa.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 1:42 PM on January 23, 2015 [3 favorites]


Don't feel like you need to do this outside of your comfort zones--you make your own rules about who you want to know more about--but don't be afraid to take chances on people. You truly, honestly never know what people are like until you get to know them, so every social engagement with a guy doesn't have to fit neatly into being either a serious date or a casual date. It sounds like you're hung up on the classifications of what you're doing with guys that you aren't, in the end, hanging out with many guys.

A little personal anecdote: when I was your age (I'm ten years older than you), I was an unrepentant slut. I had a very clear idea in my head that I was not the relationship type, and I avoided 'dating' like the plague. I just hooked up with dudes, that was it, my only interest. Then one day, boom, an NSA essentially anonymous hookup piqued my interest, we talked a bit (I mean, maybe three minutes) and I truly couldn't get him out of my head afterward. i tried to suppress it, but this dude was the first thing in my mind for days. He knew where I worked, and a few days after we met he popped in--immediately apologizing for the intrusion, but to ask if we could hang out a little. Yadda yadda yadda, this dude is now my husband and I'm a stepdad and we bought a house last year. WEIRD THINGS HAPPEN WHEN YOU MEET PEOPLE. Wonderful, weird things.

Also, you're 25. Don't sweat this stuff so much! You don't need a life plan for your relationships to explore what that plan might be.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 3:29 PM on January 23, 2015 [2 favorites]


Sorry, I see I didn't really answer some of your questions. Here goes:

Should I be going out with people that I am only sort of attracted to?

I think the only way to sort of gauge this is to go out with a variety of different people and see how it goes. Let me tell you something I wish I'd realized in my early 20s: Attraction is NOT a barometer for compatibility. But at the same time.. it matters. So.. you have to try to find that sweet spot: someone you're attracted to, but also compatible with in ways that make it possible to do more than just have sex (if you want more than a casual thing, which you say you do).. knowing that you're definitely going to be attracted to some people who you just CANT be in a healthy relationship with.. yet for a healthy relationship, most people need to have a fairly significant degree of sexual/romantic chemistry.

So all this to say, it depends on what "sort of attracted to" means. I've fallen deep attraction to people I was not initially attracted to (i.e. after years of platonic friendship), but I have also stayed, unhappily, in relationships where I was not only sorta kinda attracted to the person, I was sorta kinda really turned off by them physically as well. I really regret that on one level, but I also learned that chemistry is really important and, for me personally, not something I want to compromise on (even with all the caveats about people's bodies changing over time and blah blah blah).

Does attraction grow and develop over time once you get to know the person better, or do you have to be attracted to them right away?

Everyone is different. Understand that even with people to whom you are wildly attracted.. they will do things that turn you off. This is why it's important to think about what attraction actually is.. and what it isn't. It isn't something that is constant and never changes. It is something that can wax and wane. But if you *never* felt it in the first place with someone, it's unlikely that it will emerge down the line (though it can). Let me give you some concrete examples and anecdata. Each letter represents a person I was involved with.

A: Extreme mutual attraction right away. Turned out to be a jerk. Lots of drama and heartbreak. Years later, I'm over it and no longer attracted to them at all.

B: Was sort of attracted at first.. but .. I didn't feel attracted enough to this person. Ended up falling in love for non-physical reasons. Relationship was mostly a disaster. Learned a lot though.

C: Intense mutual attraction right away. Another jerk. Incompatible. Over it.

D: Intense mutual attraction right away. ANOTHER jerk. Incompatible but dated for years. Still experiencing PTSD from this relationship but life has moved on, thank God.

E: Strong mutual attraction right away. Not a jerk. Way more compatible than anyone else. Attraction is multilayered, complex. Way past the honey moon stage.. still hot. (Current partner)

Why am I immediately attracted to some people and know for certain that I would go out with them, but with others I think I'm attracted to them but then when it comes to actually going out with them I can't feel enthusiastic about it?

I don't know enough about you to answer this question but.. I'm also not sure it matters. For whatever reason, you were not feeling it with these other people. If you want to explore this question, I'd recommend sort of treating dating more as a process of getting to know yourself and your preferences. When you feel a genuine desire to date (and I don't think you're really there yet).. go out with a lot of different people, including some you're only sorta attracted to and.. see how it goes. See how you feel.

Do I think of a date as something more serious than it actually is?

Yes. A "date" is an opportunity to go out with someone, be social, build your dating skills, see if you're mutually attracted and if so, see what happens. A first date is not a relationship, is not a guarantee that you're meant to be, is not an indication that you're compatible, is not an obligation to get married and have kids, and may or may not lead to a second date. It's JUST a date. It is not a big deal.

I suspect that you psyche yourself out of these dates because you have an anxiety issue or an anxious attachment style.. you're blowing these things way out of proportion and making it seem like a Huge Deal. The reality is that dating is a numbers game. Some people get lucky and meet someone compatible right away. But most people have to date A LOT of people.. which means that many dates go no where, and if you make it out to be a Huge Deal every single time, you'll be too nervous and needy and anxious to just have a good time.

So: Lower your expectations, understand that a date is not a big deal. The best way to understand this is to go on a lot of them and give yourself a bunch of options. That is, when the time is right.. which may not be right now.
posted by Gray Skies at 3:45 PM on January 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


Best answer: none of these dudes seem to be making any moves. They're all trying to be super safe and forcing you to make the first move. I used to think this was unfair now I realize it's more kind of the way that the animal in us is.

I do think that you need to put yourself out there more subtly. Make eyes at men you are attracted to. smile at them. Compliment them. Keep strong eye contact with them and occasionally touch them on the arm or shoulder. This will require some amount of courage on your part I suggest you fake it until you make it.
posted by Ironmouth at 7:32 PM on January 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


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