Invited a friend to visit for a couple of days, she's staying for a week
January 19, 2015 7:55 PM Subscribe
I'm in the midst of an extremely stressful period in grad school, and mistakenly and optimistically extended an invite to a friend who had been wanting to visit me in my city.
At the time I extended the invite I thought I could handle having a guest, but my past semester grades came in and I have to come up with an academic plan or seriously think about leaving the program. I didn't tell my friend, out of shame, basically. Now she's booked her ticket, and instead of the Presidents Day weekend I thought she would be book, she's coming for the whole week.
I expected a Sat thru Mon trip, and instead she's coming Sat thru Fri. I'm a little disgusted frankly. She has paid a ridiculously high price for the ticket, like double what she should have, and I guess thats why she decided on such a long trip, to get more bang for her buck. My friend does not earn a lot of money and rarely takes trips. I'm one of her few friends so I feel she's putting a lot of pressure on this trip to make it one of her few memorable ones. I feel like I'm going to die from the pressure of my grad program, and now I have this person coming at the exact wrong time. I dont want to take my stress out on her, but I am already viewing her visit in a seriously negative light. It seems so needy to me, and I have problems with other people's neediness on a good day. How can I reframe this so as not to feel boundary pushed and invaded during this stressful time?
At the time I extended the invite I thought I could handle having a guest, but my past semester grades came in and I have to come up with an academic plan or seriously think about leaving the program. I didn't tell my friend, out of shame, basically. Now she's booked her ticket, and instead of the Presidents Day weekend I thought she would be book, she's coming for the whole week.
I expected a Sat thru Mon trip, and instead she's coming Sat thru Fri. I'm a little disgusted frankly. She has paid a ridiculously high price for the ticket, like double what she should have, and I guess thats why she decided on such a long trip, to get more bang for her buck. My friend does not earn a lot of money and rarely takes trips. I'm one of her few friends so I feel she's putting a lot of pressure on this trip to make it one of her few memorable ones. I feel like I'm going to die from the pressure of my grad program, and now I have this person coming at the exact wrong time. I dont want to take my stress out on her, but I am already viewing her visit in a seriously negative light. It seems so needy to me, and I have problems with other people's neediness on a good day. How can I reframe this so as not to feel boundary pushed and invaded during this stressful time?
If it were me (and if I were cool with her using my place as a crash pad) I would make it clear that I could offer my attention as a host for the long weekend, and then give her a key and a guidebook, and ask her to fend for herself in your city for the remaining days. Make it clear you have to work, and then do what you have to do.
posted by juliplease at 8:06 PM on January 19, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by juliplease at 8:06 PM on January 19, 2015 [6 favorites]
I don't know what to tell you to say to your friend, and yeah, someone overstaying their welcome sucks, but I would try to move away from attacking her character because of it. It wouldn't have been such a Big Deal if your grades had been such that they didn't put you in panic mode, so I would be careful in casting her off as needy. Oblivious to certain nuanced social norms , sure. Not needy.
Unless she knew about your new stressor and booked the entire week anyway. Different story there.
posted by marsbar77 at 8:10 PM on January 19, 2015 [12 favorites]
Unless she knew about your new stressor and booked the entire week anyway. Different story there.
posted by marsbar77 at 8:10 PM on January 19, 2015 [12 favorites]
Best answer: Take a breath! You're feeling overwhelmed, which is a totally natural response.
When you've calmed down a bit, think rationally about this.
You mentioned your friend has been wanting to visit your city.
So let her. Just tell her what your schedule is like and what your needs are going to be, make her a bed on the couch (or whatever), and try to see her as much as you can. But otherwise, she's a grown adult who can fend for herself.
Ask for what you need. If that's alone time at home to get studying done, say so. If that's feeling free to veg at home and not be on your best host behavior (or go out partying at all), say so.
As someone who has traveled to visit friends before, honestly, I'm fine with whatever my hosts want or have going on. I suppose she could be more needy, but you know, it is what it is. When you plan travel without clearing dates with the person you're traveling to visit, you're at the mercy of that person's schedule.
posted by Sara C. at 8:10 PM on January 19, 2015 [11 favorites]
When you've calmed down a bit, think rationally about this.
You mentioned your friend has been wanting to visit your city.
So let her. Just tell her what your schedule is like and what your needs are going to be, make her a bed on the couch (or whatever), and try to see her as much as you can. But otherwise, she's a grown adult who can fend for herself.
Ask for what you need. If that's alone time at home to get studying done, say so. If that's feeling free to veg at home and not be on your best host behavior (or go out partying at all), say so.
As someone who has traveled to visit friends before, honestly, I'm fine with whatever my hosts want or have going on. I suppose she could be more needy, but you know, it is what it is. When you plan travel without clearing dates with the person you're traveling to visit, you're at the mercy of that person's schedule.
posted by Sara C. at 8:10 PM on January 19, 2015 [11 favorites]
Best answer: How can I reframe this so as not to feel boundary pushed and invaded during this stressful time?
You're happy to host, but you can't be on call to provide entertainment and itineraries through the week when you've got Stuff To Do. You're providing a bed or couch most of all. Make this clear early so that she can plan for it; be generous in your recommendations. If your friend is a grown-up and the city has sufficient to offer to make it worth an extended visit, then that shouldn't be a problem.
On the other hand, be willing to do something small and enjoyable with her in as low-pressure a way as you can on the days when she's mostly left to her own devices. Go out for breakfast and send her on her way for the day, or have an hour out at the end of the day before turning in. Call it Designated Moments Of Fun. You are still entitled to them. I know it feels like an imposition right now, but with hope it will provide you with a little break from the stress.
posted by holgate at 8:14 PM on January 19, 2015 [14 favorites]
You're happy to host, but you can't be on call to provide entertainment and itineraries through the week when you've got Stuff To Do. You're providing a bed or couch most of all. Make this clear early so that she can plan for it; be generous in your recommendations. If your friend is a grown-up and the city has sufficient to offer to make it worth an extended visit, then that shouldn't be a problem.
On the other hand, be willing to do something small and enjoyable with her in as low-pressure a way as you can on the days when she's mostly left to her own devices. Go out for breakfast and send her on her way for the day, or have an hour out at the end of the day before turning in. Call it Designated Moments Of Fun. You are still entitled to them. I know it feels like an imposition right now, but with hope it will provide you with a little break from the stress.
posted by holgate at 8:14 PM on January 19, 2015 [14 favorites]
Best answer: I'm actually feeling a bit more sorry for her than I am for you, to be honest. You're 'a little disgusted' and 'it seems so needy'? That's way harsh.
She's a friend, and you extended the invitation (she didn't invite herself), so she hasn't done anything particularly needy. You can't expect her to be psychic about your grad school pressures.
Please do the kind thing and be extremely honest with her before she comes. Tell her exactly how much time you have (or don't) to spend with her, warn her that you'll probably be a little tired/stressed/unsociable; basically, give her a 'come at your own risk' talk.
Hopefully, if you lay it on thick enough, she'll reschedule. I can't see this trip being much fun for you or her at the moment, and it's unfair to let her walk into that unaware.
posted by Salamander at 8:14 PM on January 19, 2015 [62 favorites]
She's a friend, and you extended the invitation (she didn't invite herself), so she hasn't done anything particularly needy. You can't expect her to be psychic about your grad school pressures.
Please do the kind thing and be extremely honest with her before she comes. Tell her exactly how much time you have (or don't) to spend with her, warn her that you'll probably be a little tired/stressed/unsociable; basically, give her a 'come at your own risk' talk.
Hopefully, if you lay it on thick enough, she'll reschedule. I can't see this trip being much fun for you or her at the moment, and it's unfair to let her walk into that unaware.
posted by Salamander at 8:14 PM on January 19, 2015 [62 favorites]
I have, previously, crashed with people knowing I needed to entertain myself when they were working or whatever. Mostly, for me, these trips were just about getting away from where I was. If I was given a key or "I'll be home at this time so here's how the cable works" or "Let's meet up here at this time for dinner" or "Let me drop you off downtown and here's a transit map," I was always cool with that. I never expected to be entertained. I just expected a place to crash.
When people have been cool, we'll get breakfast somewhere and then go our separate ways for the day. Or meet up for dinner somewhere. But just let her know -- "Hey, I have stuff to do on these days, but on this day, I can take you here and on these days I can meet you for lunch." If that's not good enough, she needs to get over it or cancel. If she just needs to get away, that happens and don't worry too much about it.
But if you're someone who feels really obligated to entertain, just tell her that's not going to work out and she'll just have to get over it.
posted by darksong at 8:19 PM on January 19, 2015 [4 favorites]
When people have been cool, we'll get breakfast somewhere and then go our separate ways for the day. Or meet up for dinner somewhere. But just let her know -- "Hey, I have stuff to do on these days, but on this day, I can take you here and on these days I can meet you for lunch." If that's not good enough, she needs to get over it or cancel. If she just needs to get away, that happens and don't worry too much about it.
But if you're someone who feels really obligated to entertain, just tell her that's not going to work out and she'll just have to get over it.
posted by darksong at 8:19 PM on January 19, 2015 [4 favorites]
"Jean, I'm so excited to see you. I'm going to be pretty busy with school and I know I won't be able to do anything touristy with you on Monday, Wednesday afternoon, and Thursday. But I have some city guides and I know that mycitywhatever. Com has some guides too. I'll give you an extra set of keys and my bus pass."
This is no big deal. Adults, generally, don't expect to have a guided tour of every minute they're in a place. Relax and try to balance. And if you need to work, leave the house.
posted by k8t at 8:25 PM on January 19, 2015
This is no big deal. Adults, generally, don't expect to have a guided tour of every minute they're in a place. Relax and try to balance. And if you need to work, leave the house.
posted by k8t at 8:25 PM on January 19, 2015
Best answer: Is there any chance you could find a friend to hang with her while you're working? Like - you and she hang out on the weekend, then while you have to work during the week, she hangs out with your other friend? Bonus points if she and other friend are romantically compatible.
posted by doctor tough love at 8:27 PM on January 19, 2015
posted by doctor tough love at 8:27 PM on January 19, 2015
Best answer: Do you regard your graduate program as Real Work? Because it is. This is not undergrad: your program is your job right now, and should be treated like one. Would your friend demand you take a week off of a job during a critical work period for a visit that she prolonged without your knowledge?
She is (I presume) a grown woman, set aside as much work time as you need during the week and make it clear to her that this is important. Could you explain to her what you've written above in the question, that you're falling behind and really don't have the time to entertain her 24/7 for a whole week?
posted by Ndwright at 8:28 PM on January 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
She is (I presume) a grown woman, set aside as much work time as you need during the week and make it clear to her that this is important. Could you explain to her what you've written above in the question, that you're falling behind and really don't have the time to entertain her 24/7 for a whole week?
posted by Ndwright at 8:28 PM on January 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Swallow your pride and be honest. "Friend, I am looking forward to seeing you but I wanted to let you know that school has become really stressful and as such I am going to be a lousy host and need to take a lot of time to finish work and make sure I do what I gotta do. Since you're staying longer than we originally discussed, are you gonna be able to do what you wanna do while you're visiting? I will be able to hang out on XYZ and everything else is up to you." Your friend thinks you want her to visit you. This is on you to set right. Take responsibility for your life and stop blaming her.
posted by Hermione Granger at 8:49 PM on January 19, 2015 [14 favorites]
posted by Hermione Granger at 8:49 PM on January 19, 2015 [14 favorites]
She spent big money on the ticket, which means she's probably traveling a fair distance to visit you. If that's true, I can tell you that I'd never buy an expensive ticket and fly a good distance to visit someone for two or three days - I'd visit for a week or stay home. BUT the bottom line is the two of you should have discussed the length of her visit before she bought the ticket! Now you're upset because she's planning more than a couple of days with you, expecting you to be happy to have her there as you must have expressed to her when you initially discussed the trip, but you've now realized (did you not know before?) that your school situation was reaching the critical point and it's all on her for being so thoughtless as to stay for six days instead of three? No, it isn't.
IF there's a chance she can get her money back, get in touch with her immediately and let her know you're in deep trouble in school and must hit the books full time right now. But if she can't, and I think that's far more usual, you either happily expand your hospitality the very best you can - without moodiness or grumbling and sincerely happy to be with her again - or YOU PAY for the ticket since it was your call to let her know your situation and you dropped the ball. If you do that, expect the friendship to fade considerably - because she's really looking forward to this trip and this time with you and she's excited enough to spend big money to get there for six whole days - and you okayed it and now want to change your mind.
Sorry, but I think you've let this one go a little too far to back out now and leave her holding the bag/suitcase.
posted by aryma at 11:23 PM on January 19, 2015 [6 favorites]
IF there's a chance she can get her money back, get in touch with her immediately and let her know you're in deep trouble in school and must hit the books full time right now. But if she can't, and I think that's far more usual, you either happily expand your hospitality the very best you can - without moodiness or grumbling and sincerely happy to be with her again - or YOU PAY for the ticket since it was your call to let her know your situation and you dropped the ball. If you do that, expect the friendship to fade considerably - because she's really looking forward to this trip and this time with you and she's excited enough to spend big money to get there for six whole days - and you okayed it and now want to change your mind.
Sorry, but I think you've let this one go a little too far to back out now and leave her holding the bag/suitcase.
posted by aryma at 11:23 PM on January 19, 2015 [6 favorites]
Do you regard your graduate program as Real Work? Because it is. This is not undergrad: your program is your job right now, and should be treated like one. Would your friend demand you take a week off of a job during a critical work period for a visit that she prolonged without your knowledge?
She is (I presume) a grown woman, set aside as much work time as you need during the week and make it clear to her that this is important. Could you explain to her what you've written above in the question, that you're falling behind and really don't have the time to entertain her 24/7 for a whole week?
I don't see anything in the question which indicates the friend is "demand[ing]" to be "entertained 24/7" or even that expectations on trip length were discussed beforehand (OP "thought" she would only book for 3 days; if an expensive flight has been purchased, visitor friend is likely at great enough distance that two whole days will be chewed up at airports).
If she is treating this as a vacation, as you surmise, she's expecting to self-entertain in a faraway (exciting to her?) city for the bulk of the mornings and afternoons and early evenings. At least, when I have visited people in grad programs (including an MD/PhD! At a crazy competitive school!) that was my expectation, and it worked with no resentments or stress on either end. If this is a longer program you're in, learning how to communicate clearly, set boundaries, and also balance work and scheduled time off (I don't know anyone except for med school residents who are literally on 18 hour work days) will only benefit you, especially if your difficulties are due to time management at all.
Explain to her that evenings will largely be off limits as well due to your unexpected work challenges, except for dinner and brief hang outs. Do you eat dinner? Do you take Netflix breaks? Is she "allowed" to read quietly in your company while you study? This question is dripping with your anxiety about your program, channeled into unfair hostility towards her. You can solve the interpersonal part of this (and avoid destroying the friendship, which sounds disposable to you at the moment) with clear communication.
posted by blue suede stockings at 1:59 AM on January 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
She is (I presume) a grown woman, set aside as much work time as you need during the week and make it clear to her that this is important. Could you explain to her what you've written above in the question, that you're falling behind and really don't have the time to entertain her 24/7 for a whole week?
I don't see anything in the question which indicates the friend is "demand[ing]" to be "entertained 24/7" or even that expectations on trip length were discussed beforehand (OP "thought" she would only book for 3 days; if an expensive flight has been purchased, visitor friend is likely at great enough distance that two whole days will be chewed up at airports).
If she is treating this as a vacation, as you surmise, she's expecting to self-entertain in a faraway (exciting to her?) city for the bulk of the mornings and afternoons and early evenings. At least, when I have visited people in grad programs (including an MD/PhD! At a crazy competitive school!) that was my expectation, and it worked with no resentments or stress on either end. If this is a longer program you're in, learning how to communicate clearly, set boundaries, and also balance work and scheduled time off (I don't know anyone except for med school residents who are literally on 18 hour work days) will only benefit you, especially if your difficulties are due to time management at all.
Explain to her that evenings will largely be off limits as well due to your unexpected work challenges, except for dinner and brief hang outs. Do you eat dinner? Do you take Netflix breaks? Is she "allowed" to read quietly in your company while you study? This question is dripping with your anxiety about your program, channeled into unfair hostility towards her. You can solve the interpersonal part of this (and avoid destroying the friendship, which sounds disposable to you at the moment) with clear communication.
posted by blue suede stockings at 1:59 AM on January 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks for all the humane answers. I should have communicated dates more firmly so I know this is on me. I'll talk to her about what's going on with me and see if we can work out a shorter trip with an offer to pay for her change fees.
Yeah, part of my problem is time management. I dont think I'm going to develop the necessary skills by the time she gets here.
posted by charlielxxv at 5:20 AM on January 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
Yeah, part of my problem is time management. I dont think I'm going to develop the necessary skills by the time she gets here.
posted by charlielxxv at 5:20 AM on January 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
Best answer: I agree, OP, if you're not used to working between 9 and 5, you're not going to learn now. I also struggle with time management; if I were in your shoes, I'd be absolutely wigging out the whole time and would be unable to either get things done or enjoy my time with my friend. It would be a disaster. It's not your friend's fault - it would have been ideal for you to have communicated your concerns earlier, but I also get how you might not have really understood what they'd be until now.
I would say something like, "I'm so sorry for asking this, but is there any way we can reschedule this visit? Truth is, I'm having a crisis. I didn't really grasp my workload when we planned things, and I'm just overwhelmed. I want to be able to spend quality time with you, and the way things are looking, that's pretty much guaranteed not to happen. The reality is, it's going to be all-nighters and stress, and that's not fair to you. I'm sorry I didn't have a better sense of this earlier. I was so looking forward to seeing you that I was a little blinded to what's in front of me, and it's more than I can handle."
Let's hope she can get a refund. If she can't, personally, I'd be minded to give her at least some of the money she'd lose. Then everyone will be able to breathe easy (or easier). Good luck.
posted by cotton dress sock at 6:00 AM on January 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
I would say something like, "I'm so sorry for asking this, but is there any way we can reschedule this visit? Truth is, I'm having a crisis. I didn't really grasp my workload when we planned things, and I'm just overwhelmed. I want to be able to spend quality time with you, and the way things are looking, that's pretty much guaranteed not to happen. The reality is, it's going to be all-nighters and stress, and that's not fair to you. I'm sorry I didn't have a better sense of this earlier. I was so looking forward to seeing you that I was a little blinded to what's in front of me, and it's more than I can handle."
Let's hope she can get a refund. If she can't, personally, I'd be minded to give her at least some of the money she'd lose. Then everyone will be able to breathe easy (or easier). Good luck.
posted by cotton dress sock at 6:00 AM on January 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
Just a thought since you mentioned time management problems: While I don't know the nature of your work/if it needs to take place at home, perhaps her long stay might help you? When in a similar situation as yours, I set clear boundaries on my time (as the examples given above,) and those are some of the best days where I get to work on time and leave on time -- part of it is accountability I think, eg., "I told this person I'd be working all day -- I better stay here and work all day."
(Again, this may not be pertinent to your particular situation, but thought i'd throw that out there just in case it might!)
posted by NikitaNikita at 6:06 AM on January 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
(Again, this may not be pertinent to your particular situation, but thought i'd throw that out there just in case it might!)
posted by NikitaNikita at 6:06 AM on January 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
Wow, people are suggesting you ask to cancel her trip after she's already bought tickets? And those are the suggestions you're favoriting?
NO, depending on where she bought them she very well may not be able to get a refund at this point.
But it's not just money. She planned a week of her life to take this trip. You don't have any sort of emergency that would preclude it. You invited her, you apparently didn't tell her specifically how long you could host, and now you're acting like she's an annoying pest for actually taking you up on your offer?
If you want to be a decent person, suck it up, be a good host (she doesn't have to do everything all the time with you; help her find things to do on her own or with other people while you are otherwise occupied) and communicate more clearly in the future.
posted by mysterious_stranger at 8:26 AM on January 20, 2015 [6 favorites]
NO, depending on where she bought them she very well may not be able to get a refund at this point.
But it's not just money. She planned a week of her life to take this trip. You don't have any sort of emergency that would preclude it. You invited her, you apparently didn't tell her specifically how long you could host, and now you're acting like she's an annoying pest for actually taking you up on your offer?
If you want to be a decent person, suck it up, be a good host (she doesn't have to do everything all the time with you; help her find things to do on her own or with other people while you are otherwise occupied) and communicate more clearly in the future.
posted by mysterious_stranger at 8:26 AM on January 20, 2015 [6 favorites]
Response by poster: I favorited lots of answers, not just ones that involve her cancelling her trip.
But yes, I do view her as a pest. She has a habit of overstaying her welcome, always being broke so she can't enjoy herself on trips, and not being particularly independent. To be brutally honest, I invited her out of a sense of obligation because I live in a destination city and people are excited to come. If it were another friend I would be more certain they could self entertain.
So I handled this poorly from the start. I didnt think inviting someone to visit for a long weekend would turn into a week, and I didnt think they'd spend money they couldn't afford to do it. It makes me feel guilty, of course, but I'm not feeling like my best self now.
posted by charlielxxv at 8:47 AM on January 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
But yes, I do view her as a pest. She has a habit of overstaying her welcome, always being broke so she can't enjoy herself on trips, and not being particularly independent. To be brutally honest, I invited her out of a sense of obligation because I live in a destination city and people are excited to come. If it were another friend I would be more certain they could self entertain.
So I handled this poorly from the start. I didnt think inviting someone to visit for a long weekend would turn into a week, and I didnt think they'd spend money they couldn't afford to do it. It makes me feel guilty, of course, but I'm not feeling like my best self now.
posted by charlielxxv at 8:47 AM on January 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Advice for the future, especially if you live in a tourist-friendly city and can expect this situation to occur down the line: develop the ability to say no and be honest. I've had friends ask if they could come visit in situations that were not ideal for me. (Hectic time of year, feeling run down in general, knowing my shit time management skills would play havoc with everything, someone else just visited, whatever...) It sucks to turn people down who want to visit you and have a fun vacation, but sometimes the time really isn't right. Someone who cares about you will understand that it's nothing personal.
Also, someone who really wants to come visit your city is welcome to find their own place to stay and maybe you'll meet them for lunch or a museum or something one day during their trip. You're not obligated to play host just because you live in a cool place people like to visit.
posted by Sara C. at 9:02 AM on January 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
Also, someone who really wants to come visit your city is welcome to find their own place to stay and maybe you'll meet them for lunch or a museum or something one day during their trip. You're not obligated to play host just because you live in a cool place people like to visit.
posted by Sara C. at 9:02 AM on January 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
How can I reframe this so as not to feel boundary pushed and invaded during this stressful time?
Veteran of two stressful graduate programs here.
I know best practices is to "treat it like a job," but seriously, one of the benefits of academia is that you can allow your work to slide for a week and nothing bad will befall you. It just won't.
And if you really cannot afford to slightly slack for a week, then this definitely IS NOT a program for you. Hang with her, have a good time, stop being so negative, and chill a little.
That's how I propose reframing it.
posted by jayder at 9:30 AM on January 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
Veteran of two stressful graduate programs here.
I know best practices is to "treat it like a job," but seriously, one of the benefits of academia is that you can allow your work to slide for a week and nothing bad will befall you. It just won't.
And if you really cannot afford to slightly slack for a week, then this definitely IS NOT a program for you. Hang with her, have a good time, stop being so negative, and chill a little.
That's how I propose reframing it.
posted by jayder at 9:30 AM on January 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
Best answer: If she's not , as seemed evident from your question, particularly self-directed and if her hopes for the trip involve important time with you, cancelling would be better than disappointment and resentment. Sounds like you're having a tough time with your studies and maybe other things. I disagree that that would mean you're not for this program, it could mean any number of things including the fact that grad school is hard. I sympathize with your friend, but I can't see how a trip is worth more than your future. Your stuff might be put-offable, or the stress might set you back a year, or see you dropping out, maybe worsening your own mental health (I don't know where you're at but those are possible outcomes). Try to work it out with her, either by cancelling the trip and compensating her some or making it crystal clear that you're basically unavailable except for a few outings. (I still think cancelling would be best, if you think your friend would be hugely disappointed by the latter.)
posted by cotton dress sock at 10:25 AM on January 20, 2015
posted by cotton dress sock at 10:25 AM on January 20, 2015
Best answer: I do view her as a pest
After this visit I would urge you to revisit your friendship because, from your description, you aren't friends and you really resent this person. Do both you and her a favour and cut ties.
During this visit try not to let your disgust of her manifest itself.
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 1:11 PM on January 20, 2015
After this visit I would urge you to revisit your friendship because, from your description, you aren't friends and you really resent this person. Do both you and her a favour and cut ties.
During this visit try not to let your disgust of her manifest itself.
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 1:11 PM on January 20, 2015
Talk to her, apologise profusely and fib a bit and say an emergency issue has just come up. See if you can get her to change her ticket to later in the year. Pay for any change fees. I don't think it's fair/nice to ask her to cancel completely, but postponing should be understandable.
If this isn't possible, then make it crystal clear that you can only spend a few hours a day with her. Find a list of cheap/free things to do in your city. Buy her a ticket to something fun. Ask other friends to take her out. Send her to a meetup. Take your stuff and work at the library, leaving her with the TV and a pile of books. Drop hints about how nice a home cooked meal would be. Only choose to do things with her that you will enjoy too.
You might find that having a schedule might result in your working more efficiently, and you might enjoy doing the work more, as it gets you away from her.
posted by kjs4 at 3:06 PM on January 20, 2015
If this isn't possible, then make it crystal clear that you can only spend a few hours a day with her. Find a list of cheap/free things to do in your city. Buy her a ticket to something fun. Ask other friends to take her out. Send her to a meetup. Take your stuff and work at the library, leaving her with the TV and a pile of books. Drop hints about how nice a home cooked meal would be. Only choose to do things with her that you will enjoy too.
You might find that having a schedule might result in your working more efficiently, and you might enjoy doing the work more, as it gets you away from her.
posted by kjs4 at 3:06 PM on January 20, 2015
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Obviously, change the times and days to what makes sense to you. But any houseguests staying for longer than a day or two should be expecting to fend for themselves for at least part of that time, and the more explicit you can be in delineating those times in advance, the better.
It's unclear from your question whether you invited her to stay Saturday through Monday or just expected her to know that's what you meant, but explicitly delineating dates when issuing invitations is usually helpful, too. If you were explicit and she ignored that, it's also ok to have a conversation with her about how she's going to need to find someplace else to stay overnight for those extra days.
posted by jaguar at 8:05 PM on January 19, 2015 [10 favorites]