A friend says he needs a breather. Now what?
January 18, 2015 12:20 AM Subscribe
A friend of mine who I considered (and actually, continue to consider) close just told me he needs a breather from the friendship. Twofold question: 1) can this possibly be headed anywhere good? and 2) has anyone else here been in this situation, and if so, will you share stories about how it turned out? Snowflakes inside.
I'll call my friend Tom. Tom and met over the internet (not a dating site -- Tumblr and Twitter, mostly), and when he came to my city, we met up and got along really, really well. A bunch of months later, I was going to visit his city (many hundreds of miles away) to visit another friend, so we decided to meet up again. Again, we got along really, really well (we're both married but non-monogamous with our partners), so we slept together, with both our partners' knowledge, and the sex was frankly spectacular.
We kept in very close touch since then, pretty much every day. As I said before, I came to consider us close friends, and I think he did too. My personality is way, way darker than his; I'm generally a bit cynical and pessimistic and he's sort of sunny and happy most of the time. (Think National Lampoon versus the Muppets.) I also have had pretty serious depression, and by serious, I mean serious, as in one brief psych hospitalization and years of medication. It's mostly under control. I have been called -- accurately, I think -- high maintenance when it comes to friendships; I tend to worry a lot that I'm being frozen out. The problem is exacerbated with Tom by the fact that we don't actually see each other.
Tom told me a couple of days ago that he needs a breather from the friendship because he felt as though a lot of our friendship consisted of my leaning on him for support and he didn't feel as though he could always give that support. I don't disagree with him, and I told him as much. I asked him point blank whether "breather" was just shorthand for a breakup, and he said no, if he had wanted to break up the friendship he just would have said so. He told me that he just wants a breather and probably a "retrenching" (his word, not mine). I told him that I would step back and he could get in touch when he was ready.
Needless to say, I'm very, very sad about this, and crying as I write this question, but am absolutely respecting his desire for space, and I haven't contacted him at all in the past couple of days. (Just because it's too hard for me otherwise, I stopped following him on FB and muted him on Twitter, and also stopped using the app we use to text; I do use it with other people but I asked them to please contact me via email instead so I don't even have to deal with seeing him online.)
So, I guess my question is: how does this look from the outside? Do friends ever take breathers and then regroup and proceed, even if the landscape of the friendship changes? I'd appreciate any thoughts at all, and I'm ok with straight talk (although I will note again that I'm a little fragile at the moment). Will try to clarify if there are any questions, although I've made this anonymous, mostly because of my psych history. I'm a woman, if that makes a difference. I also want to reiterate that this isn't a romantic relationship, so I'm not looking for advice like DTMFA. Thanks in advance.
I'll call my friend Tom. Tom and met over the internet (not a dating site -- Tumblr and Twitter, mostly), and when he came to my city, we met up and got along really, really well. A bunch of months later, I was going to visit his city (many hundreds of miles away) to visit another friend, so we decided to meet up again. Again, we got along really, really well (we're both married but non-monogamous with our partners), so we slept together, with both our partners' knowledge, and the sex was frankly spectacular.
We kept in very close touch since then, pretty much every day. As I said before, I came to consider us close friends, and I think he did too. My personality is way, way darker than his; I'm generally a bit cynical and pessimistic and he's sort of sunny and happy most of the time. (Think National Lampoon versus the Muppets.) I also have had pretty serious depression, and by serious, I mean serious, as in one brief psych hospitalization and years of medication. It's mostly under control. I have been called -- accurately, I think -- high maintenance when it comes to friendships; I tend to worry a lot that I'm being frozen out. The problem is exacerbated with Tom by the fact that we don't actually see each other.
Tom told me a couple of days ago that he needs a breather from the friendship because he felt as though a lot of our friendship consisted of my leaning on him for support and he didn't feel as though he could always give that support. I don't disagree with him, and I told him as much. I asked him point blank whether "breather" was just shorthand for a breakup, and he said no, if he had wanted to break up the friendship he just would have said so. He told me that he just wants a breather and probably a "retrenching" (his word, not mine). I told him that I would step back and he could get in touch when he was ready.
Needless to say, I'm very, very sad about this, and crying as I write this question, but am absolutely respecting his desire for space, and I haven't contacted him at all in the past couple of days. (Just because it's too hard for me otherwise, I stopped following him on FB and muted him on Twitter, and also stopped using the app we use to text; I do use it with other people but I asked them to please contact me via email instead so I don't even have to deal with seeing him online.)
So, I guess my question is: how does this look from the outside? Do friends ever take breathers and then regroup and proceed, even if the landscape of the friendship changes? I'd appreciate any thoughts at all, and I'm ok with straight talk (although I will note again that I'm a little fragile at the moment). Will try to clarify if there are any questions, although I've made this anonymous, mostly because of my psych history. I'm a woman, if that makes a difference. I also want to reiterate that this isn't a romantic relationship, so I'm not looking for advice like DTMFA. Thanks in advance.
For what it's worth, first, here's a virtual hug, anonymous, for being sad, and a thumbs up for respecting his wish even though it does make you sad.
Secondly, I would be amazed if anyone read this and thought "DTMFA", I just don't see any MF behaviour here, in fact seems to me you both behaved in a very correct way to each other (and to your respective partners) from what you say.
Thirdly: as I as reading and you revealed this is actually a friends-who-had-sex situation (trying hard not to use the awful benefits/extras wording), I thought "aha!", because dammit, wish that didn't make any difference, and perhaps for some lucky creatures it doesn't, but, it usually does. It does often add another level of emotional involvement no matter what people tell themselves. So there may be that, too. (But again, thumbs up everyone for being honest to your partners and all).
Lastly... yes, close friends take breathers from each other all the time, in my experience, but they don't usually announce them, it just happens, in fact you'd kind of wish everyone was this honest but then again maybe better not, at least it saves you the hurt if it's not announced.
(I'm actually more on the "need a breather" end of the spectrum myself, sometimes because I realise I'm the one leaning too much on someone for support and I don't want to become dependent or stressful or boring to them so I just kind of disappear for a while, which may be kind of a more MF thing to do than your friend here, but I could never be that straightforward.)
It's impossible to predict how this will develop for the friendship, so many individual variables there, but this one thing I'm sure of: you do need to become less dependent on him, for your own good first and foremost, and especially if you've had depression – you really should try not to rely on one person for support with that, or rather, try and separate the "direct support for keeping my depression under control" from "general mutual support among friends" because they are very different things and if they mix too much, that can complicate the relationship for everyone.
Do you have someone to talk in the first category, a therapist?
And how are things in terms of emotional support in general from your partner? You're married, non-monogamous or not, that should be where you get a level of emotional support a bit deeper than a friendship, usually. Can you talk freely to your partner? What did you have with Tom that you don't have with them?
And how about the mutual part of support among friends? You write that you realise you're high maintenance in friendships and tend to worry a lot about being frozen out; but is there any example you can think of where you were the one offering more support? Is it more difficult? Are there situations where you could be more supportive yourself in general with others? And with Tom specifically, in the future? Anything that would make the friendship more balanced?
Good luck and above all take good care of yourself.
posted by bitteschoen at 1:10 AM on January 18, 2015 [6 favorites]
Secondly, I would be amazed if anyone read this and thought "DTMFA", I just don't see any MF behaviour here, in fact seems to me you both behaved in a very correct way to each other (and to your respective partners) from what you say.
Thirdly: as I as reading and you revealed this is actually a friends-who-had-sex situation (trying hard not to use the awful benefits/extras wording), I thought "aha!", because dammit, wish that didn't make any difference, and perhaps for some lucky creatures it doesn't, but, it usually does. It does often add another level of emotional involvement no matter what people tell themselves. So there may be that, too. (But again, thumbs up everyone for being honest to your partners and all).
Lastly... yes, close friends take breathers from each other all the time, in my experience, but they don't usually announce them, it just happens, in fact you'd kind of wish everyone was this honest but then again maybe better not, at least it saves you the hurt if it's not announced.
(I'm actually more on the "need a breather" end of the spectrum myself, sometimes because I realise I'm the one leaning too much on someone for support and I don't want to become dependent or stressful or boring to them so I just kind of disappear for a while, which may be kind of a more MF thing to do than your friend here, but I could never be that straightforward.)
It's impossible to predict how this will develop for the friendship, so many individual variables there, but this one thing I'm sure of: you do need to become less dependent on him, for your own good first and foremost, and especially if you've had depression – you really should try not to rely on one person for support with that, or rather, try and separate the "direct support for keeping my depression under control" from "general mutual support among friends" because they are very different things and if they mix too much, that can complicate the relationship for everyone.
Do you have someone to talk in the first category, a therapist?
And how are things in terms of emotional support in general from your partner? You're married, non-monogamous or not, that should be where you get a level of emotional support a bit deeper than a friendship, usually. Can you talk freely to your partner? What did you have with Tom that you don't have with them?
And how about the mutual part of support among friends? You write that you realise you're high maintenance in friendships and tend to worry a lot about being frozen out; but is there any example you can think of where you were the one offering more support? Is it more difficult? Are there situations where you could be more supportive yourself in general with others? And with Tom specifically, in the future? Anything that would make the friendship more balanced?
Good luck and above all take good care of yourself.
posted by bitteschoen at 1:10 AM on January 18, 2015 [6 favorites]
Oh honey, I resonate with this a lot. This is perfectly normal, although it sounds like the end of the world. But I'm gonna share with you a series of questions that I asked myself when I was in the same situation -
1) Where is my pain and crying coming from? One of the hardest parts about good friendships maintaining distance like this, is realizing and taking responsibility for the fact that you have needs that only you can fulfill. Perhaps he feels like he wants to give as much as he can, but there's a breaking point before it takes a toll on his health to be in the relationship. What are things you can do for yourself, where you don't necessarily need to rely on someone else to fix?
2) Do you like your actual personality? Do you like who you are with all of your trauma, pain, and hurt? Oftentimes, it's deeply draining on another person who is sunnier and more positive when a friend, even a deeply loved one, is depressed. It's not that we're "less good" of friends, or that there is stigma, but it actually hurts for them on an emotional level to exude that much empathy and still see no resolution with your hurt. Where is your healing process?
3) What is your identity beyond friendships? Do you rely on people to reflect back onto you who you are, and if you need validation? I suffered from horrific low self-esteem due to previous abuse and depression, and it was really draining on my friends to constantly prove to me how awesome I was, and not being able to take it in or reflect it back. I built myself up to learn how to be self-loving and self-caring, and to be giving first without asking for anything immediately, because I had the confidence to take care of it myself.
4) What is your attachment style in relationships? Take a quiz or two or read it online.
5) Love yourself, because no one else can love you as much as you love yourself, and love needs to be abundant and accumulative and amazing. The vibes you give to yourself and the healing you have, has a direct impact on other people around you. And you are ultimately way more important than any single relationship, and you still deserve to be loved regardless of whatever you are experiencing.
6) Crying over a loss of connection is real and true, but absolutely do not let it consume you. I speak this with years of regret. But you have the capability to turn it inwards and find a better way to connect it with yourself, and to connect with others who can be there for you. Make the next friendship you make, or a current one a better one, and just mind your own time until the friend comes back, and welcome him with open arms.
Some of this is my own stuff mixed in, but I hope this helps. Really sending much love vibes dear, I really feel.
posted by yueliang at 3:01 AM on January 18, 2015 [20 favorites]
1) Where is my pain and crying coming from? One of the hardest parts about good friendships maintaining distance like this, is realizing and taking responsibility for the fact that you have needs that only you can fulfill. Perhaps he feels like he wants to give as much as he can, but there's a breaking point before it takes a toll on his health to be in the relationship. What are things you can do for yourself, where you don't necessarily need to rely on someone else to fix?
2) Do you like your actual personality? Do you like who you are with all of your trauma, pain, and hurt? Oftentimes, it's deeply draining on another person who is sunnier and more positive when a friend, even a deeply loved one, is depressed. It's not that we're "less good" of friends, or that there is stigma, but it actually hurts for them on an emotional level to exude that much empathy and still see no resolution with your hurt. Where is your healing process?
3) What is your identity beyond friendships? Do you rely on people to reflect back onto you who you are, and if you need validation? I suffered from horrific low self-esteem due to previous abuse and depression, and it was really draining on my friends to constantly prove to me how awesome I was, and not being able to take it in or reflect it back. I built myself up to learn how to be self-loving and self-caring, and to be giving first without asking for anything immediately, because I had the confidence to take care of it myself.
4) What is your attachment style in relationships? Take a quiz or two or read it online.
5) Love yourself, because no one else can love you as much as you love yourself, and love needs to be abundant and accumulative and amazing. The vibes you give to yourself and the healing you have, has a direct impact on other people around you. And you are ultimately way more important than any single relationship, and you still deserve to be loved regardless of whatever you are experiencing.
6) Crying over a loss of connection is real and true, but absolutely do not let it consume you. I speak this with years of regret. But you have the capability to turn it inwards and find a better way to connect it with yourself, and to connect with others who can be there for you. Make the next friendship you make, or a current one a better one, and just mind your own time until the friend comes back, and welcome him with open arms.
Some of this is my own stuff mixed in, but I hope this helps. Really sending much love vibes dear, I really feel.
posted by yueliang at 3:01 AM on January 18, 2015 [20 favorites]
I've taken breathers from friends. It didn't really mean much other than I needed to dial it down for a bit because it was getting a bit all-consuming. This is understandable if you're talking every day.
Think of it like Christmas. People like Christmas a lot. The decorations, the holiday spice Starbucks, the Rankin-Bass specials on the TV. But they also need a break from it now and then, even though they like it.
posted by dontjumplarry at 4:37 AM on January 18, 2015 [4 favorites]
Think of it like Christmas. People like Christmas a lot. The decorations, the holiday spice Starbucks, the Rankin-Bass specials on the TV. But they also need a break from it now and then, even though they like it.
posted by dontjumplarry at 4:37 AM on January 18, 2015 [4 favorites]
For some perspective, this happened to me recently and the person passively sluffed me off for a while. I was not going for that, but I liked the person enough to not write them off, so for starters, high fives for this person in your life communicating their needs up front!
Second, when we finally did get around to working through what was up, it was a situation that was moving too fast for her, so we talked it out and walked it back.
Now, the thing that's important here is to work on reminding yourself that you two have a good connection, and sometimes good friendships take a lot of weird windy turns along the path. They need space, it's no big deal, in my situation our friendship moved into a place where this is in for a long haul of awesome, each of us in safer place emotionally, enjoying the hell out of everything we do.
The feelings are big right now, search in yourself the ways to hold on to feeling secure in the connection that's obviously there. The really cool thing about this is that one side is trying to keep things good by letting you know what they need. It's hard to work through but worth it I promise!
posted by Annika Cicada at 5:05 AM on January 18, 2015 [2 favorites]
Second, when we finally did get around to working through what was up, it was a situation that was moving too fast for her, so we talked it out and walked it back.
Now, the thing that's important here is to work on reminding yourself that you two have a good connection, and sometimes good friendships take a lot of weird windy turns along the path. They need space, it's no big deal, in my situation our friendship moved into a place where this is in for a long haul of awesome, each of us in safer place emotionally, enjoying the hell out of everything we do.
The feelings are big right now, search in yourself the ways to hold on to feeling secure in the connection that's obviously there. The really cool thing about this is that one side is trying to keep things good by letting you know what they need. It's hard to work through but worth it I promise!
posted by Annika Cicada at 5:05 AM on January 18, 2015 [2 favorites]
I have been very close friends with a group of guys since we were kids. We are going on 30 years of friendship now.
One of the guys recently took a "breather" from our friendship. At first, we were all like: WTF.
6 weeks later, we re-connected - and discovered all this other personal turmoil in his life, and suddenly it all made more sense. It had nothing to do with us.
If this person is your friend - let them go.
If they really are your friend - they will come back.
posted by Flood at 5:08 AM on January 18, 2015 [3 favorites]
One of the guys recently took a "breather" from our friendship. At first, we were all like: WTF.
6 weeks later, we re-connected - and discovered all this other personal turmoil in his life, and suddenly it all made more sense. It had nothing to do with us.
If this person is your friend - let them go.
If they really are your friend - they will come back.
posted by Flood at 5:08 AM on January 18, 2015 [3 favorites]
For whatever reason, he needs you to back off. Resist the impulse to pursue this, to press, to try and fix it. Really, there is no phone call you can make or email you can send that is going to fix this.
I've had friends cut me off. It sucks, and in hindsight sometimes they were justified and sometimes they were just kind of crappy, selfish friends. But when friends say you should back off, you should really back off. The more you try to fix it, the more he will feel like you are pushing and the worse this will get. All you can do is wait and hope he comes back around. Don't contact him for, like, three months. Hopefully he'll get back to you before then, but if not, wait at least that long.
And in the meantime, cultivate some new friends. Be the exact opposite of a sad, mopey mess. And while you're living your fabulous life, give some hard thought to whether he had good reason to take a break or whether he's just kind of a lousy, fair-weather friend. It is possible you're a real downer. It is also possible he's just a selfish dick.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 5:32 AM on January 18, 2015 [1 favorite]
I've had friends cut me off. It sucks, and in hindsight sometimes they were justified and sometimes they were just kind of crappy, selfish friends. But when friends say you should back off, you should really back off. The more you try to fix it, the more he will feel like you are pushing and the worse this will get. All you can do is wait and hope he comes back around. Don't contact him for, like, three months. Hopefully he'll get back to you before then, but if not, wait at least that long.
And in the meantime, cultivate some new friends. Be the exact opposite of a sad, mopey mess. And while you're living your fabulous life, give some hard thought to whether he had good reason to take a break or whether he's just kind of a lousy, fair-weather friend. It is possible you're a real downer. It is also possible he's just a selfish dick.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 5:32 AM on January 18, 2015 [1 favorite]
So I've sort of been on the other side of this. I had a friend who leaned on me a lot, and at first I felt really strong and able to hear all the difficult things going on in her head. But then I hit some rough spots and it became a lot for me to deal with. I began to feel that in addition to my own struggles I was playing an inadequate therapist for her problems. I didn't purposefully make changes to the relationship, but it has changed ... now we still vent with each other occasionally but it's not so much what our relationship is about.
The other piece of this is making sure that your needs are getting met. Do you have the support you need for coping with your depression? Are you seeing a therapist? Is your partner supportive? Are you taking whatever steps you need to take care of yourself?
There's a great line from The Color Purple, where Shug leaves the narrator, who is heartbroken. In time, however, she decides: “If she come, I be happy. If she don't, I be content.” The ideal thing would be to detach a bit - so that if your friend returns, you can be glad to see them, and if they don't, you are not devastated. Think about the things your friend adds to your life, and ask yourself where else you can get some of those things. Maybe you can post a request for resources here.
And you know, if any of my friends told me they needed some space from me I'd be really hurt. Even the ones I'm not all that close to. It's just a thing that's hard to hear, even if it really does need to happen sometimes.
Good luck!
posted by bunderful at 5:57 AM on January 18, 2015 [3 favorites]
The other piece of this is making sure that your needs are getting met. Do you have the support you need for coping with your depression? Are you seeing a therapist? Is your partner supportive? Are you taking whatever steps you need to take care of yourself?
There's a great line from The Color Purple, where Shug leaves the narrator, who is heartbroken. In time, however, she decides: “If she come, I be happy. If she don't, I be content.” The ideal thing would be to detach a bit - so that if your friend returns, you can be glad to see them, and if they don't, you are not devastated. Think about the things your friend adds to your life, and ask yourself where else you can get some of those things. Maybe you can post a request for resources here.
And you know, if any of my friends told me they needed some space from me I'd be really hurt. Even the ones I'm not all that close to. It's just a thing that's hard to hear, even if it really does need to happen sometimes.
Good luck!
posted by bunderful at 5:57 AM on January 18, 2015 [3 favorites]
The problem with having friends that you also have sex with is that as much as others say so, sex adds complexities and intensity to friendships in unequal amounts.
if you weren't having sex, chances are the friendship would have naturally died down a bit, with someone saying, "I'm super busy, sorry I haven't been available to chat." The frequency of contact would just taper off to the comfort level that each could handle. But adding sex puts a layer of intimacy over the whole thing that makes it awkward. Some folks can easily handle casual sex relationships. They may never feel anything but friendship for their friend. The other person in the equation may start to love their friend. If that's the case then there are other complications. Concern that the feelings may interfere with the primary relationship, concern that the other partner doesn't reciprocate in the same way or level of intensity, or even a strong discomfort of not wanting to have feelings for the casual partner.
Sex makes friendships weird. Very few true friendships survive sex. Either they turn into partnerships, or they break up.
What we know right now is that he needs to get some space right now. He may be thinking through what the relationship with you means in the rest of his life. He may think that you're concentrating too much on him, or vice-versa. For whatever reason, he needs time away.
In my experience with regular friendship, if you want a breather from a person you just spend more time with other friends. Then, when you feel like it you reconnect.
It sounds to me as though you were pushing for a relationship with him. I'm close to a lot of people, but I don't text with them daily. That would be inappropriate. It would be disrespectful to Husbunny because he's my primary relationship. You say you were very close to Tom, but how close were you to your partner? If you can't turn to your partner or to other friends to fill this void....the relationship was crossing a line, and Tom was right to ask you to back off.
That's what it looks like from the outside.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:42 AM on January 18, 2015 [6 favorites]
if you weren't having sex, chances are the friendship would have naturally died down a bit, with someone saying, "I'm super busy, sorry I haven't been available to chat." The frequency of contact would just taper off to the comfort level that each could handle. But adding sex puts a layer of intimacy over the whole thing that makes it awkward. Some folks can easily handle casual sex relationships. They may never feel anything but friendship for their friend. The other person in the equation may start to love their friend. If that's the case then there are other complications. Concern that the feelings may interfere with the primary relationship, concern that the other partner doesn't reciprocate in the same way or level of intensity, or even a strong discomfort of not wanting to have feelings for the casual partner.
Sex makes friendships weird. Very few true friendships survive sex. Either they turn into partnerships, or they break up.
What we know right now is that he needs to get some space right now. He may be thinking through what the relationship with you means in the rest of his life. He may think that you're concentrating too much on him, or vice-versa. For whatever reason, he needs time away.
In my experience with regular friendship, if you want a breather from a person you just spend more time with other friends. Then, when you feel like it you reconnect.
It sounds to me as though you were pushing for a relationship with him. I'm close to a lot of people, but I don't text with them daily. That would be inappropriate. It would be disrespectful to Husbunny because he's my primary relationship. You say you were very close to Tom, but how close were you to your partner? If you can't turn to your partner or to other friends to fill this void....the relationship was crossing a line, and Tom was right to ask you to back off.
That's what it looks like from the outside.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:42 AM on January 18, 2015 [6 favorites]
Hey there! I've had a similar thing happen to me, and yes, it sucks to high heavens. And we had not had sex, so it may very well suck even more for you.
I'm here to tell you, as a data point, that a breather does not have to mean a break up. In my case, after half a year or so, he let me know that he would be interested in resuming our friendship. So we did.
Later on, he told me about the hard stuf that he'd been going through at the time, and that he had felt unable to share with me. I can't know if he was right, and it doesn't matter anymore: the way he felt was the way he felt, and he got to decide. I was very happy that he came back when he was good and ready.
Reader, we partnered up.
Here's wishing you the best of luck, either with or without him!
posted by Too-Ticky at 6:58 AM on January 18, 2015
I'm here to tell you, as a data point, that a breather does not have to mean a break up. In my case, after half a year or so, he let me know that he would be interested in resuming our friendship. So we did.
Later on, he told me about the hard stuf that he'd been going through at the time, and that he had felt unable to share with me. I can't know if he was right, and it doesn't matter anymore: the way he felt was the way he felt, and he got to decide. I was very happy that he came back when he was good and ready.
Reader, we partnered up.
Here's wishing you the best of luck, either with or without him!
posted by Too-Ticky at 6:58 AM on January 18, 2015
It's good he was up front with you and told you he needed some distance for now. It sounds like he might be your primary outlet for frustrations and that can be a lot. Work on finding out ways to vent (other friends, working out, your husband, a therapist, a combination of all these things) that aren't him so you don't rely on him so much for emotional support when and if you reconnect.
Dealing with an anxious person who needs constant reassurance can be exhausting, especially when that person has other things going on in their life.
You'll be okay no matter what happens. I know it hurts now, but it won't down the line, even if you don't reconnect.
posted by inturnaround at 7:18 AM on January 18, 2015 [3 favorites]
Dealing with an anxious person who needs constant reassurance can be exhausting, especially when that person has other things going on in their life.
You'll be okay no matter what happens. I know it hurts now, but it won't down the line, even if you don't reconnect.
posted by inturnaround at 7:18 AM on January 18, 2015 [3 favorites]
I haven't read the other replies, so my apologies if this repeats what someone else has been saying, but to put it simply: I would try to stop worrying about whether he is going to regroup and re-engage and worry more about your pattern of behavior in this friendship (and probably others) that is causing him to need to take a break from it. What good will come of it if he comes back to the same-old/same-old on your end of the equation that drove him away in the first place?
Even if he never comes back, focusing on the problematic aspects of your friendship interactions is going to make you a better friend to the next friend-person who comes along.
posted by drlith at 7:20 AM on January 18, 2015 [3 favorites]
Even if he never comes back, focusing on the problematic aspects of your friendship interactions is going to make you a better friend to the next friend-person who comes along.
posted by drlith at 7:20 AM on January 18, 2015 [3 favorites]
I agree with others that taking some time to make sure your own life is balanced, that you have multiple sources of support and outlets for your feelings, will be helpful for you know, regardless of what happens with Tom.
It might be worth thinking about whether there's any sort of vicious cycle happening where you get depressed and cynical, he tries to sunny you out of it, you dig in and try to knock him into the "reality" of how depressing the world is, he digs in and tries to convince you that everything is good... etc. I've seen that dynamic play out with optimist-pessimist relationships and it's draining and unproductive for everyone -- the pessimist feels unheard and the optimist feels exhausted. (That may totally not be happening with you and Tom, especially since it seems like both of you have pretty good communication skills, but it's common enough that I thought I'd throw it out there in case it does fit.)
posted by jaguar at 10:02 AM on January 18, 2015 [2 favorites]
It might be worth thinking about whether there's any sort of vicious cycle happening where you get depressed and cynical, he tries to sunny you out of it, you dig in and try to knock him into the "reality" of how depressing the world is, he digs in and tries to convince you that everything is good... etc. I've seen that dynamic play out with optimist-pessimist relationships and it's draining and unproductive for everyone -- the pessimist feels unheard and the optimist feels exhausted. (That may totally not be happening with you and Tom, especially since it seems like both of you have pretty good communication skills, but it's common enough that I thought I'd throw it out there in case it does fit.)
posted by jaguar at 10:02 AM on January 18, 2015 [2 favorites]
I have been on the other side of this issue -- I have been the friend who had to take a breather. I can't speak as to the reasons for your friend needing one, but in my situation it was because the relationship had grown too intense to handle. It began to demand too much of me -- my friend needed support, reassurance and validation that I simply didn't have the strength to provide. While sex was not a factor (we had only ever hugged), a history of sexual tension was (we briefly 'dated' online years before meeting in person). We had a few conversations about how I was feeling sort of overwhelmed by the friendship and felt incapable of giving him the support he wanted, but he never really backed off. It just pushed me further away. In the end he took my desire for some breathing room as rejection. He severed contact and we haven't spoke since. It's unfortunate, as we got along very well and I would've liked to remain friends.
From an outside perspective, it sounds like things have just gotten a little too intense for your friend. Give him some space and time to clear his head. Other things may be going on in his life that require more of his attention -- attention he has to take from somewhere else -- perhaps even his friendships. Don't take it personally. I think the friendship will be even better, certainly stronger, if you can respect his needs and lay low for a while.
posted by stubbehtail at 10:20 AM on January 18, 2015 [1 favorite]
From an outside perspective, it sounds like things have just gotten a little too intense for your friend. Give him some space and time to clear his head. Other things may be going on in his life that require more of his attention -- attention he has to take from somewhere else -- perhaps even his friendships. Don't take it personally. I think the friendship will be even better, certainly stronger, if you can respect his needs and lay low for a while.
posted by stubbehtail at 10:20 AM on January 18, 2015 [1 favorite]
I had a friend who needed a breather from me. We didn't talk for a few months and then we were friends for several years. However we had a serious friend break up because I resented her for making her needs and drama central to our friendship during a time when my now-ex was deployed and injured in combat. I decided to cut off contact at that point.
Sometimes I miss her but mostly I wish I had gotten the hint the first time she wanted to take a friendship break. In retrospect she was as never someone able to let someone else take center stage.
posted by spunweb at 10:38 AM on January 18, 2015
Sometimes I miss her but mostly I wish I had gotten the hint the first time she wanted to take a friendship break. In retrospect she was as never someone able to let someone else take center stage.
posted by spunweb at 10:38 AM on January 18, 2015
Because you're both married it sounds like things got too emotionally intense for him and he is pulling back (and maybe focusing on his marriage more) and trying to ensure that there better boundaries between the two of you as friends.
posted by heyjude at 12:50 PM on January 18, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by heyjude at 12:50 PM on January 18, 2015 [3 favorites]
I think it's quite unusual for platonic friends to talk long-distance every single day, and especially for you to be crying because a platonic friend wants to take a breather. It reads to me as though you have romantic feelings for him, so I'm not sure why you are so adamantly referring to this as a mere "friendship". I think you should try to stop focusing on him and start/rekindle some other relationships.
posted by mysterious_stranger at 2:12 PM on January 18, 2015
posted by mysterious_stranger at 2:12 PM on January 18, 2015
I don't exactly have any suggestions, but be glad that he at least had the balls to tell you he needed a breather, instead of just dropping you and acting like a jerk (which is what happened to me).
posted by radioamy at 4:50 PM on January 18, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by radioamy at 4:50 PM on January 18, 2015 [1 favorite]
Nthing the last three answers heyjude, mysterious_stranger, and radioamy.
Look. You are married and this friendship is long distance. Being in touch daily is probably taking a lot away from his primary relationship and that isn't fair to his partner. Likewise, perhaps you are not being fair to your partner? Or perhaps you and your partner have problems you are avoiding by over-engaging with Tom?
I couldn't be in touch with someone long distance on a daily basis without ignoring something or someone important that was right in front of me. Nthing you should refocus on yourself and stop looking for drama that doesn't exist. You don't have feel ashamed or uncomfortable, just take this opportunity to tweak how you spend your attention and time going forward.
posted by jbenben at 5:47 PM on January 18, 2015 [1 favorite]
Look. You are married and this friendship is long distance. Being in touch daily is probably taking a lot away from his primary relationship and that isn't fair to his partner. Likewise, perhaps you are not being fair to your partner? Or perhaps you and your partner have problems you are avoiding by over-engaging with Tom?
I couldn't be in touch with someone long distance on a daily basis without ignoring something or someone important that was right in front of me. Nthing you should refocus on yourself and stop looking for drama that doesn't exist. You don't have feel ashamed or uncomfortable, just take this opportunity to tweak how you spend your attention and time going forward.
posted by jbenben at 5:47 PM on January 18, 2015 [1 favorite]
I've been the one asking for a breather in a friendship and it was because I felt like my friend was ignoring my more subtle signs asking for more space.
You say you were in touch every day, and it sounds like if you weren't, you needed a lot of reassurance. I totally get that it feels stressful and uncertain to not have contact, especially if most of it is taking place over text mediums, but that takes away the chance for him to have any sort of break, or recharge time, because even if he doesn't respond for a day, he knows that he'll have to make up for it next time. That can be a lot of emotional energy.
Honestly, in my case, having the time and space to think about the friendship made me realize that it wasn't a friendship that was healthy for me anymore. Having space made me realize how much my boundaries had been trampled over, little by little, so I didn't notice. However, it sounds like your friendship hasn't realized anywhere near the stage I was, and I'm not saying that's going to happen. You're doing exactly the right thing about waiting for him to contact you and protecting yourself by avoiding the app and all that. If/When Tom comes back, I highly, highly, highly recommend that you be sure to give him space and not ask for reassurance as a cost of having that space.
Working on a bigger support system/friendship circle is a really good idea. Reconnect with your spouse, try to meet new people, so you're not asking so much of a single friend.
posted by raeka at 10:24 PM on January 18, 2015 [1 favorite]
You say you were in touch every day, and it sounds like if you weren't, you needed a lot of reassurance. I totally get that it feels stressful and uncertain to not have contact, especially if most of it is taking place over text mediums, but that takes away the chance for him to have any sort of break, or recharge time, because even if he doesn't respond for a day, he knows that he'll have to make up for it next time. That can be a lot of emotional energy.
Honestly, in my case, having the time and space to think about the friendship made me realize that it wasn't a friendship that was healthy for me anymore. Having space made me realize how much my boundaries had been trampled over, little by little, so I didn't notice. However, it sounds like your friendship hasn't realized anywhere near the stage I was, and I'm not saying that's going to happen. You're doing exactly the right thing about waiting for him to contact you and protecting yourself by avoiding the app and all that. If/When Tom comes back, I highly, highly, highly recommend that you be sure to give him space and not ask for reassurance as a cost of having that space.
Working on a bigger support system/friendship circle is a really good idea. Reconnect with your spouse, try to meet new people, so you're not asking so much of a single friend.
posted by raeka at 10:24 PM on January 18, 2015 [1 favorite]
Do friends ever take breathers and then regroup and proceed, even if the landscape of the friendship changes?
Yep, all the time. I have done this since I was old enough to have friends.
posted by destructive cactus at 9:55 AM on January 19, 2015
Yep, all the time. I have done this since I was old enough to have friends.
posted by destructive cactus at 9:55 AM on January 19, 2015
This thread is closed to new comments.
The thing is most of the time I've done that without a conversation with the person — it's been able to happen more naturally, through a more organic dialing down of the relationship. A friend who I see normally twice a month maybe we go a couple months without hanging out. It doesn't necessarily raise any alarms on either side and I get the space and when the time is right I send a text and try out the friendship again. Sometimes it's been more dramatic, sometimes less.
But when you're in a contact-every-day relationship, there's no way to take that breather organically — it sounds like he couldn't have taken a couple weeks off the relationship to take a breath and rethink his boundaries without setting off alarm bells for you. In that situation it makes a lot of sense that he'd speak it out loud.
So how does this look from the outside? To me it looks like he's doing some important thinking about what your relationship has been and what he wants it to be. It looks like he's doing the work to find a healthy balance in his life. And it looks like you're experiencing this as a rejection, which is pretty natural.
Nobody here can tell you what will come of this — he could decide he wants to talk less, he could decide he wants to try to lean on you more, he could decide he wants the relationship back the way it was, he could decide he wants out and needs a clean break. I think your task, though, is to be ready — to do the work to be ready — to accept and work with what he comes back with. These things go real bad when the person who's taking the break comes back with a new perspective and the other person rejects it, can't hear it, won't hear it, says they hear it but ignores it, etc.
Change in relationships of any type is hard. He sounds like a good friend who is doing important work for both his health and for the health of the relationship. Respect that and be open to hearing what he has to say when he's ready.
posted by wemayfreeze at 12:43 AM on January 18, 2015 [22 favorites]