I know it's my mom's money to spend but...

January 17, 2015 4:02 PM

Today my Mom and I sat through a Rainbow vacuum cleaner sales pitch for 2 hours and ultimately she decided to buy one for $3,000. Throughout the pitch, she kept asking me what i thought and i gave her my opinion several times that it wasn't worth it and we had other places we could spend the money that might have higher priority. She's a widow in her 60's and i think she just wanted permission from someone else to buy it.

But i feel angry because i feel used and i hate the idea of watching good money go down the drain when it could be used to help the family in other ways. My mom tends to be good at saving nickels and dimes, but foolish when it comes to big money expenditures. I know it's not my money to spend, but why involve me in the decision making process if she's already made up her mind anyway. I feel it makes me look like a fool trying to argue in vain for the other side when that's not what she wants to hear anyway.

How can i handle this kind of situation better in the future?

posted by Gosha_Dog to Human Relations (20 answers total)

If she asks tell her, "I'd rather you pick someone whose opinion matters to you."

Then if she acts all shocked gently reminder her of a $3,000 vacuum that she owns. (I'm with you on that one. Unless she's hoovering the Astrodome or something.)
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 4:04 PM on January 17, 2015 [10 favorites]

Rather than saying to not buy it, suggest she wait a period of time and not buy expensive items impulsively. When the initial impulse fades she would be better able to judge if it was the best use of her money.

It is her money to spend as she likes, if she wants to spend it on something to make her happy, I can't judge her for it.
posted by FallowKing at 4:24 PM on January 17, 2015 [15 favorites]

foolish when it comes to big money expenditures

Perhaps you would do best by giving her a subscription to Consumer Reports (which, btw, gives the Rainbow E-2 a score of 54 in the bagless category, compared to a Kenmore which scored 68 for 1/4 the price; I couldn't find a $3000 equivalent though).
posted by dhartung at 4:26 PM on January 17, 2015 [7 favorites]

You are totally correct that she was just looking for permission, which is very common. I have learned, for my own mental sanity, not to intervene. If you can adjust your attitude and translate - "What do you think?" into "This is what I am going to do, and I want your approval," and respond accordingly then you can participate in these conversations. If I don't agree with the decision, I just deflect, deflect, deflect. I ask questions right back, "What do you hope x will do for you?" or "It certainly seems interesting." I refuse to pretend approval, but it can be difficult to remove yourself from all of these discussions. Good luck.
posted by dawg-proud at 4:26 PM on January 17, 2015 [2 favorites]

If your mom wants permission, and you're not going to give it to her, than I think the best option is to disengage. Or perhaps state what you'd do the first time she asks and then disengage. If she's going to buy the [thing], she's going to buy the [thing], and there's not a lot you can do about that. As you say, she's spending her own money on things she wants to buy. She's an adult, so she gets to do that.

Don't get drawn in to situations that you know are going to make you angry. Your blood pressure will thank you for it.
posted by Solomon at 4:30 PM on January 17, 2015 [2 favorites]

I'm not sure in what context you and she sat through a 2 hour sales pitch? You need to avoid that kind of situation in the first place. She might have felt like, "they spent two hours with me, I shouldn't disappoint them."
posted by tomboko at 4:42 PM on January 17, 2015 [9 favorites]

Does she have this kind of disposable income? If so, provide your opinion but don't judge. She may actually feel good about the purchase for other reasons - "I've always wanted a ..." You may feel she is wasting money, but she may feel completely justified.

If she doesn't have the disposable income, then this is a problem - in these situations I think it's best to convert from $ to something else they enjoy. This is X dinners out, Y nights of vacation, etc. - but always let them make the decision.

What is important is to provide the context for her to make an informed decision herself.
posted by NoDef at 4:53 PM on January 17, 2015

It's not quite clear whether she actually bought it or not, but if she did, the contract can probably be cancelled (she has 3 days). see here and here.

This site has many complaints about Rainbow. It sounds like this is another scam like Kirby.
posted by H21 at 4:54 PM on January 17, 2015 [7 favorites]

Oh boy. You may want to discuss the meaning of "penny wise and pound foolish" with her. Unfortunately people your mom's age are targeted for scams like this. Maybe you could teach her about how these scans work? She is in danger of being taken for far more than 3K.

Definitely try to get her to wait a few days on large purchases. Even one day can help.
posted by zennie at 5:04 PM on January 17, 2015

You could try mainly asking questions, rather than just stating your opinion. When she asks "Do you think I should buy this?" you could say, "Well, what's important to you in a vacuum cleaner?" and "Well, if you didn't spend the $2995 on this, what else would you spend it on?".
posted by amtho at 5:19 PM on January 17, 2015 [3 favorites]

Why play games about it? If you don't think she should buy a thing, say so. If she asks why, tell her your reasons. If she buys it anyway, you don't look like a fool. How do you look like a fool? You're two adults having a conversation about a potential purchase. Own your opinion and let her own her decision.
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 5:51 PM on January 17, 2015 [7 favorites]

I'm with Ruthless Bunny - I think you should consider this $3000 as an educational investment of sorts, and the next time you are finding yourself sucked into the role of "permission-giver who will be ignored", just say "thanks, but no thanks", and bring up the $3000 hunk of metal that's collecting dust in the basement. That's a lot of money, but it will perhaps add the necessary gravitas to the conversation.

(My ex-wife used to drop this particular straw on the camel-back that was my first marriage. Your anger is valid)
posted by doctor tough love at 6:25 PM on January 17, 2015

There is no way I'd have sat through that. At some point, I'd have told the sales guy thanks but we're not interested, whether my mom objected or not.
posted by empath at 8:40 PM on January 17, 2015 [1 favorite]

Maybe the next time this comes up redirection would be effective.. If the choice is between having something new and shiny and cool (for various definitions of "cool") versus having an intangible sum of money for which there is no immediate pressing need, many people will choose the cool thing. The key may be to help her understand that the choice is not between "something" and "nothing" but between "something" and "something else you might like better."

For example.. When she asked "What do you think?" you might respond:

• I think if it were my money I'd rather spend it on a really nice $500 vacuum and a trip to Paris. Why don't you do that?
• I think I'd rather have a pretty good vacuum and use the rest of the money to pay someone else to run it for me.
• You can't flaunt a vacuum. Why don't we go shopping and buy you some new spring clothes instead? If you're feeling like you've got money burning a hole in your pocket I won't argue if you want to treat for lunch..

posted by Nerd of the North at 8:47 PM on January 17, 2015 [5 favorites]

Back in the early 80s I worked with a woman who was in her late 50s, married for most of her life, had raised four children and several foster children, and was as nice a person as you'd ever want to meet. She and her husband had built their own home and paid off the land and so they were comfortable, though not rolling in dough. She came to work one day and told us that they'd purchased a Rainbow Vacuum for over $2,000; oooh, how the chatter went around about what a ridiculous waste of money it was when there were so many other things they could have done with that money, money they could have left to their kids, etc and more etc. I was thinking the same as everyone else - a $2K vacuum cleaner was a nice commission for the salesman but that's about all.

Then one day I was driving my VW bus down the road and the engine caught fire - it was a double carburetor Porsche engine and it was always a struggle keeping the carbs in sync, but I don't really know what caused the fire - but it was a real, flaming fire. I pulled off the road and opened the engine cover, saw it was nothing but flames in there, threw open the side door and started throwing all my camp gear and stuff out the side into a dry ditch that was nearby, and tried flagging down people for help. Many people stopped, but no one had a fire extinguisher and it was getting ugly - like the carpet was melting to the firewall - it was awful. Finally some man stopped and reached down into the ditch and dragged cans full of sand and rocks up and threw them into the engine compartment to smother the fire. That worked - it finally put the fire out, but OMG what a mess. Thirty minutes later or so the fire dept showed up and agreed that I'd had a fire and told me to carry a fire extinguisher and left.

We got the bus towed home and I went to work, bemoaning my poor bus, nearly in tears, and Nina told me not to worry - they'd bring the Rainbow vacuum over and suck all the rocks and sand out of the engine compartment. Uh huh, I said, thinking that was impossible, of course. But that $2K vacuum cleaner did indeed suck every single rock and buckets of sand and dirt out of every crevice and groove - it was nothing short of amazing. I felt like I should purchase the vacuum from Nina and Bill, but they'd have none of it, and the crazy thing worked just fine to vacuum the house and the cars in the future like it had never been through such an ordeal.

I still can't imagine paying that much for a vacuum, but what they can do will surprise you. I would say in this case that if your Mom can afford the vacuum and that's what she wants to buy, it should be up to her to do with her money what she likes; I heartily disagree with the idea that you should just step up and overrule her because you think what she's spending her money on is stupid (I don't see mention of any history of dementia here, only that she's a big 60 years old). She asked your opinion, so you should give it, just as you did - that's all you can do. And who knows? Maybe that ridiculous vacuum will come in handy after all.
posted by aryma at 11:46 PM on January 17, 2015 [12 favorites]

Are you close enough to your mom to work out a budget with her? Said budget would include $xxx disposable income. If she wanted to buy a $3k vacuum, then she could see that she can make no more fun expenditures for the the next (lengthy) period of time. Suggesting this might be risky; you know if your mom would be deeply insulted/angry at you.
posted by Cranberry at 12:24 AM on January 18, 2015

The part that chaps me the most about these rainbow vacuum is that they're like serotta bikes, or some other thing that's almost a veblen good.

you can buy a used one for $400.

yea, i'm a cheapass, but i just can not make myself spend money on stuff like this and would jump up and down and scream if my mom tried to. she absolutely CAN buy one, just don't pay that for it. go buy one on craigslist.

my mom actually did buy one of these, used, and later sold it for basically the exact same amount of money to some random craigslist person. It was the top of the line, gigantic one with the fancy water filtration system and all that.

also, for what it's worth, while it was a decent and quite strong vacuum made out of good components and heavily built(and i believe arymas story) the vacuum at my work, a big commercial dayton that appears to cost around half as much, is better.

If she wants a rainbow, go buy her a used rainbow for like $4-600. There's no way that the rest of the money couldn't be spent on something better. Even if she's very comfortable, donate it to charity or something. They are just not worth $3000. Holy crap.

So yea, to answer your question, i always redirect. Like "Ok, yea, let's buy $THING. But lets not buy it right this moment, lets find the best place and way to buy this thing". I always get on board and track down either that exact item, something better, or something equivalent.

My mom tries to buy a new several thousand dollar thing like this every month, i swear. She's perfectly happy with her used tv, used ipad, used espresso machine, various kitchen equipment, speaker dock for her phone, and so many other things. And me and my dad have been wingmanning to stop these sorts of purchases to happen since i was in middle school.

Don't try to say no, try to just go "ok yea, lets buy one, but not like this".

Also, check out this thread.
posted by emptythought at 4:14 AM on January 18, 2015

How do you handle that in the future?

You go "Mum that's a lot for a x are you sure?" If she says yes you say.

"I'm glad you like your x."

She's a grown ass woman, I'm guessing you're a grown ass woman, if she hasn't got dementia or mental health issues she can spend her money however she likes.

Said as a woman who a year later is still getting shit from the in laws because I bought a $300 dyson vacuum when "Walmart sells perfectly good vacuums for 50 bucks".
posted by wwax at 9:58 AM on January 18, 2015 [3 favorites]

But that $2K vacuum cleaner did indeed suck every single rock and buckets of sand and dirt out of every crevice and groove

As indeed would have a $100 shop-vac, no?
posted by We had a deal, Kyle at 11:12 AM on January 18, 2015 [1 favorite]

Exactly, WHADK -- suction is easy enough. What you're paying for in a house vacuum is quiet operation, filtering, weight, and mostly convenience -- attachments, rug beaters, etc. And while the bagless/Dyson type is super popular right now, they don't seem to score (at CR) nearly as well as good old-fashioned bag vacuums.
Not to mention that they involve dumping out all the dirt you just sucked up, and this seems to be an activity best done outside, which is dandy in a Wisconsin winter....

My mom tries to buy a new several thousand dollar thing like this every month

This is, unfortunately, a common thing, and financial innumeracy, to put it gently, is a potential early sign of certain types of dementia. Even so, my grandfather -- a onetime professor at the University of Chicago -- nearly got reeled in by some guy selling expensive water heaters (or softeners) even though he lived in a fairly new senior condo. And toward the end of my father's life and battle with frontotemporal dementia, there seemed to be no advertising pitch he didn't see fit to give full multi-day consideration. I don't want to raise unnecessary warning bells, but it's something to keep an eye on for any adult with an elderly parent, particularly one without a history of managing money independently. As the study from a couple of years ago notes, however, this problem is much more common than dementia, and seems to be connected to changes in the aging brain.
posted by dhartung at 11:57 AM on January 18, 2015 [1 favorite]