Dealing with January blahs and grad school

January 16, 2015 10:00 AM

My confidence and ambition got swallowed up in a snowbank

I'm taking a graduate diploma at a Canadian university. My first semester was great but I had a month-long break in between semesters and it feels like all my ambition drained out of me during that time.

Last semester I was really excited to be in school.. I loved the courses and was excited to complete the course work. I got high marks, and one of my professors came up to me and recommended that I apply for the M.A. in the same department. I had been considering it off and on... on the one hand, I feel passionate about the subject matter, I love the department, and I feel like I belong in this field... on the other hand, two more years of school = more debt and no guarantee that it increases my chances of getting a job. Anyways, after my prof volunteered to vouch for me (so she would possibly be my supervisor), I thought it would be worth a shot to at least apply for the M.A. and decide later. So I went around asking for reference letters, and one of my profs ( a different one) has already submitted one.

I just started my second semester last week and for some reason my outlook/perspective feels completely different since I went home for that month. I started panicking about spending some of my savings on school and I started second guessing my decision to leave my fulltime job, move to a new city and go back to school ( even though it was a dream I had had for 3 years). I think it has to do with returning to my childhood home and staying with my Mom for two weeks. It's an environment in which I always feel depressed and isolated and lose sight of the future.

Anyways, I'm back in school now and I feel that I've lost that initial excitement that motivated me to excel. I feel intimidated by my courses, and I'm convinced that i'll do a terrible job at the internship I'm starting next week. This all makes me sad because I feel that school brings out the best of my talents-- it's where I belong-- yet my wavering confidence makes me unable to take full advantage of the opportunity.

And now, the thought of doing an M.A. seems like a huge Sisyphean task and I feel completely intimidated. For some reason I`ve lost the confidence I had last semester in the subject matter and I can`t come up with anything good for my application letter. I visited the prof who recommended me earlier in the week, and she was far less warm and encouraging than before, in fact she seemed to be annoyed by my presence ( for some unknown reason, maybe just a bad day). I feel sad that my ambition is gone, and that I`m not able to reach my full potential, during what might be my last year in school, ever.

I guess what I'm asking is, how can I prevent my self-doubt from ruining my semester. I have to appear confident in my internship despite how intimidating the whole thing seems. I'm afraid of making an impression of being too shy, too timid and useless.
I also have to pull myself together and figure out if I really want to apply for the M.A. I got a glimpse of myself succeeding at accomplishing difficult work last semester.. but it seems like that was only possible because I was passionate and confident about the work. When you don't have much ambition, it feels like there's no reason to do more than the bare minimum.

posted by winterportage to Education (5 answers total)

Best answer: I did an MA in a discipline I adored. Upon entering, I was certain I wanted to pursue a PhD. And my first semester was a breeze! Easy peasy. Got great marks with little difficulty. I had funding so I didn't worry about that either. I was feeling pretty good about myself. I knew what I wanted to do with my life and I was soaking my subject matter up like a sponge. I was going to be a university professor! I was going to learn, teach, and inspire!

Yeah, no. My second semester was very hard on me. I had zero motivation (hello winter!) and all of the sudden, my subject didn't seem like something I wanted to spend the rest of my life on. And to be honest, even though I finished the program and did well, I never got back that passion that I had going into it. A series of reality checks made me realize that not only did I not want be in academia for the rest of my life, but I would very likely always be underemployed and/or poorly paid. You are quite right to be concerned about that.

on the one hand, I feel passionate about the subject matter, I love the department, and I feel like I belong in this field... on the other hand, two more years of school = more debt and no guarantee that it increases my chances of getting a job.

I enjoyed my MA program. I loved the subject matter. My classmates and professors were fantastic. I hit the thesis supervisor jackpot. I even enjoyed writing the damn thing. That said, it did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING for me professionally. Even though I was funded and didn't borrow any money for my MA, I still missed out on almost three years of decent income and work experience. Almost six years out from my MA, I am working in a completely unrelated field with zero regrets. I love my job and I love my regular, decent paycheques. I one hundred percent made the right decision.

Here's how I see it now looking back. I can research, learn, and write all by myself. I don't need to do that within an institutional setting. I can do those things all on my own. And I can cherry pick what I do and don't want to read or write about. I thought I'd continue down the road of self-study after I left school, but honestly, I haven't read a book or article in my field since I left.

As for how to keep self-doubt from ruining your semester? Look up imposter syndrome. Most of your classmates are in the same boat but putting on a brave face. I used to worry about such things. I definitely relate to your worries about the internship (fellow worrier here!) but all you can do is your best. That sounds cheesy but it's true. Good luck!
posted by futureisunwritten at 10:53 AM on January 16, 2015 [1 favorite]

Get a light box for seasonal affective disorder, eat right, regular vigorous exercise, Pomodoro timer, proper sleep that kind of thing.
posted by sebastienbailard at 11:28 AM on January 16, 2015 [2 favorites]

And if you're still feeling like poop a few days from now, drop in on the counselors on campus, before you're in a hole academically that's hard to get out of.
posted by sebastienbailard at 12:17 PM on January 16, 2015 [2 favorites]

Best answer: It sounds like you needed a little time to re-acclimate to your school life again after your home life (which I think is very, very common and normal) -- and that that normal temporary disorientation got compounded with this MA thing and suddenly everything feels bigger and higher-stakes, like you've bitten off more than you can chew.

I think it might help to just view the MA process as a thing you're doing on the side and not get especially invested in it or in what your professors might think about it. (They're probably too busy to think much in any case, and they've been through all the MA/Ph.D. uncertainty themselves and watched countless other people go through it and they know to take things as they come. They know about personal circumstances.) If you decide to focus on your current work and not complete the application, that's fine. If you do submit it and you get in you can decide what to do about it afterwards, like you said; if not then you can just apply again later if that's what you want. Your life will turn out interesting whether you do an MA now, or later, or not at all.

If you're like me, it feels responsible to think about the future and plan for it, and irresponsible to ignore it. But sometimes it's more responsible to live in the present and trust your future self to deal with the next step (which, once more, will be fine whatever decisions you make). Don't catastrophize or think in absolutes: there's no "full potential" you have to reach or "full advantage" you're failing to take. Nobody does everything that they could or utilizes every advantage available. It's also not going to be the last time you're in school ever, if you don't want it to be. Life can be long and strangely flexible. The stakes are lower than you think.

Was there anything about your new city that you discovered and liked last semester? Any people you enjoy being around, or things about the school environment that make a refreshing change from being at home? Wallow in the good things a little.

One more thing is that sometimes it helps to remember that feelings like this come and go. Looking at some previous questions you asked, it looks like you've dealt with loss of confidence before, and you still came out on top. (I really apologize if I'm misinterpreting those posts or jumping to conclusions.) I think this is something that happens repeatedly throughout life to a lot of people, whether because of imposter syndrome or because of other things (like the effect of your home environment on you, or just having interrupted flow). After a while you start to recognize the cycle and eventually learn to take it more in stride.
posted by egg drop at 1:25 PM on January 16, 2015 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: Thanks for your input!
posted by winterportage at 12:45 PM on January 17, 2015