Opposite gender siblings sharing a room - how long is too long?
January 10, 2015 8:59 PM Subscribe
At what age do you think that opposite-gender kids should no longer share a room? We have a daughter and a son. They currently share a room - she is almost 4.5 years old, and he is almost 2 years old. This situation is totally fine now and for the foreseeable future, but at some point, this will become awkward for them. When do you think that happens for most kids?
Obviously, this varies from child to child, but presumably there is a point at which one or both of them will become uncomfortable and unhappy. Background - we are renting a 2-bedroom apartment, and we are considering purchasing the apartment. They share the (huge) room now, but we want to know how long that's really feasible, as it plays into our decision about buying this place.
Obviously, this varies from child to child, but presumably there is a point at which one or both of them will become uncomfortable and unhappy. Background - we are renting a 2-bedroom apartment, and we are considering purchasing the apartment. They share the (huge) room now, but we want to know how long that's really feasible, as it plays into our decision about buying this place.
As soon as they ask.
My mom and uncle are 6.5 years apart and shared a (very large) room their entire lives until my mom got married and left home. Everybody is different. Personally I'm somebody who likes their private space. My brother and I always had separate rooms but I suspect I would have been miserable any past age 6 (when my brother was 3).
Your daughter will let you know.
posted by phunniemee at 9:14 PM on January 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
My mom and uncle are 6.5 years apart and shared a (very large) room their entire lives until my mom got married and left home. Everybody is different. Personally I'm somebody who likes their private space. My brother and I always had separate rooms but I suspect I would have been miserable any past age 6 (when my brother was 3).
Your daughter will let you know.
posted by phunniemee at 9:14 PM on January 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
Will it be possible to partition the room when they get to the age where they would not want to share? Not just a privacy curtain, but something more sturdy? Because that would make a difference.
I think, in general, once kids are in school (maybe age six or age seven), they become more aware of the differences in their bodies and can start to feel self-conscious/desire privacy. Obviously, it's different for a lot of kids/family, but by eight for sure many kids would want their own space away from their opposite sex sibling.
As a (not universal, of course) rule, though, I would say separate rooms as soon as they ask for them, and almost definitely by puberty.
posted by superlibby at 9:16 PM on January 10, 2015
I think, in general, once kids are in school (maybe age six or age seven), they become more aware of the differences in their bodies and can start to feel self-conscious/desire privacy. Obviously, it's different for a lot of kids/family, but by eight for sure many kids would want their own space away from their opposite sex sibling.
As a (not universal, of course) rule, though, I would say separate rooms as soon as they ask for them, and almost definitely by puberty.
posted by superlibby at 9:16 PM on January 10, 2015
Mine shared a room until they were 9-ish and 6-ish, when we moved to a bigger house. I don't think we could've done it much longer. Your children may vary.
posted by The corpse in the library at 9:19 PM on January 10, 2015
posted by The corpse in the library at 9:19 PM on January 10, 2015
Best answer: Can the room be made so there are separate areas? You could get until 10-12 if they have some privacy in their rooms, like they each have their own desks or there's a bookshelf/curtain divider. If they have good ettiqutte - this is my stuff, you ask to borrow, we get changed in the bathroom, etc - it's doable for longer.
If you're thinking of buying the apartment, now is a good time to spend a little money on an interior designer or contractor who can look at their huge room and tell you if it can be carved into two connected spaces for them to share later on or not. You wouldn't have to do it immediately, but knowing that you can add a false wall here and a door there and ta-dah, two loft sleep spaces and a shared study room or whatever solution they come up with, would be worth it before signing a mortgage.
posted by viggorlijah at 9:33 PM on January 10, 2015 [4 favorites]
If you're thinking of buying the apartment, now is a good time to spend a little money on an interior designer or contractor who can look at their huge room and tell you if it can be carved into two connected spaces for them to share later on or not. You wouldn't have to do it immediately, but knowing that you can add a false wall here and a door there and ta-dah, two loft sleep spaces and a shared study room or whatever solution they come up with, would be worth it before signing a mortgage.
posted by viggorlijah at 9:33 PM on January 10, 2015 [4 favorites]
Best answer: In addition to their own comfort, I would think about their friends and friends' parents once they get to sleepover age. It probably helps that the brother is younger, but all the same, when your daughter wants to have a slumber party, the parents of her classmates might not want a boy in the room.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 9:41 PM on January 10, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 9:41 PM on January 10, 2015 [6 favorites]
I'm sure it depends on the kids. I shared a room with my younger brother until I was 12 and he was 10. We had always shared a room, there was no alternative, and I have no recollection of having any weirdness or issues that one wouldn't also have with a same-gendered sibling. It was a non-issue.
posted by ellenaim at 9:46 PM on January 10, 2015
posted by ellenaim at 9:46 PM on January 10, 2015
Response by poster: Many thanks for the responses so far. I should clarify that we are considering buying this apartment with the intention of living in it for a few years, and then either selling it or renting it out. If room-sharing is almost over, then buying it makes no sense. If we can get at least a few more years out of it, with the kids comfortably sharing the room, then buying it becomes more reasonable...
posted by JubileeRubaloo at 9:52 PM on January 10, 2015
posted by JubileeRubaloo at 9:52 PM on January 10, 2015
I live in an urban area. It is not uncommon for opposite-sex kids to be sharing a room late into elementary school and even beyond. Many of the families I know manage this by creating private areas within the rooms, such as with loft beds, curtains, Expedit shelves, etc. It is really common where I live for people to give their kids the master bedroom to share, as, realistically, parents have an entire home in which to store their stuff and carry out non-bed-related activities. Some families I know have used a walk-in closet to create a private (non-sleeping) space for a child. I know one family where the two kids share the master bedroom and the parents sleep in the dining room - this family is extemely frugal but not poor and they all still seem to be accepted.
If sleepover parties become a problem, solve this by having your son sleep on the sofa, in your room or at a friend's.
However, it's going to depend on cultural norms in your area. If people are constantly commenting and your children are made to feel self conscious, it may be a problem. If they are the only kids in their school who share a room, it could be a problem.
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 11:10 PM on January 10, 2015 [4 favorites]
If sleepover parties become a problem, solve this by having your son sleep on the sofa, in your room or at a friend's.
However, it's going to depend on cultural norms in your area. If people are constantly commenting and your children are made to feel self conscious, it may be a problem. If they are the only kids in their school who share a room, it could be a problem.
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 11:10 PM on January 10, 2015 [4 favorites]
I shared a room with my sister in San Francisco until I went away to college. It wasn't a deal at all. I loved living in the city and it was very worth it.
posted by Carillon at 12:20 AM on January 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Carillon at 12:20 AM on January 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
I was thinking 6 years old for your daughter. I was 6 when I got my own room. It would have been weird if that happened later for me.
But yeah, I kinda guess it depends on what the norm is in your area.
posted by jbenben at 12:27 AM on January 11, 2015
But yeah, I kinda guess it depends on what the norm is in your area.
posted by jbenben at 12:27 AM on January 11, 2015
at my house, once the eldest girl was 12, the younger brothers were moved to the living room.
i consider that a good age to start to allowing older kids a bit more privacy.
posted by calgirl at 1:34 AM on January 11, 2015
i consider that a good age to start to allowing older kids a bit more privacy.
posted by calgirl at 1:34 AM on January 11, 2015
I would separate them a couple of years before the girl is likely to hit puberty - so maybe 9 or so. Puberty can be a scary and confusing time anyway, so I don't think a change in sleeping arrangements / loss of her roommate should be added to that mix. Do it earlier and don't make it about gender, just about her being old enough for her own room now.
posted by Perodicticus potto at 3:54 AM on January 11, 2015
posted by Perodicticus potto at 3:54 AM on January 11, 2015
As soon as they ask.
This is bad advice. You are the parents and they are the children. The onus should not be on your daughter to express her discomfort, but on you to predict that discomfort and address it before it becomes a problem.
I have a younger brother. We never shared a room, but at age 7 was when I started wanting a good deal of private time. So I'd separate them no later than age 6-7 for your daughter.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 4:01 AM on January 11, 2015 [7 favorites]
This is bad advice. You are the parents and they are the children. The onus should not be on your daughter to express her discomfort, but on you to predict that discomfort and address it before it becomes a problem.
I have a younger brother. We never shared a room, but at age 7 was when I started wanting a good deal of private time. So I'd separate them no later than age 6-7 for your daughter.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 4:01 AM on January 11, 2015 [7 favorites]
Best answer: I'd say absolutely no later than 8yrs old for the girl. With puberty trending younger and younger for girls, it is totally within reason to think she could hit it at 10 yrs old, or even 9. And I wouldn't want to be in a situation where someone was like 'oh, you suddenly got your period. Time to sequester you in isolation!' or something along those lines. And even 9 yrs old: Well, I was crushing very hard on boys by 9 yrs old. No good reason to leave a young but growing girl with no privacy, especially as bodily/mental changes can start happening earlier than expected.
posted by thegreatfleecircus at 5:55 AM on January 11, 2015 [8 favorites]
posted by thegreatfleecircus at 5:55 AM on January 11, 2015 [8 favorites]
Best answer: Obviously this varies by culture, context, and individual. In New York City, a ton of people simply can't afford three bedrooms, so their opposite-sex children just deal. I know plenty of middle-class families who have their grade-school-aged daughter and son in one bedroom. I know plenty of recent immigrant families whose opposite-sex children shared bedrooms until they married and moved out. In a lot of those cases, the parents just made it clear that two bedrooms was the max and that was that.
It's a very American/Western concept that everyone needs their own bedroom. I'm not saying that invalidates your concern one bit, but it grounds it in a certain context.
So, what's your culture and context like? Do you live in an area where a girl sharing a bedroom with her little brother is normal? If you don't, will you feel guilty and inadequate if she starts complaining about your living arrangements? Will you be okay saying, "We just can't buy a house with an extra bedroom at the moment" ? It's not just about her needs, which are important, but also anticipating your own feelings.
posted by zoomorphic at 6:44 AM on January 11, 2015 [18 favorites]
It's a very American/Western concept that everyone needs their own bedroom. I'm not saying that invalidates your concern one bit, but it grounds it in a certain context.
So, what's your culture and context like? Do you live in an area where a girl sharing a bedroom with her little brother is normal? If you don't, will you feel guilty and inadequate if she starts complaining about your living arrangements? Will you be okay saying, "We just can't buy a house with an extra bedroom at the moment" ? It's not just about her needs, which are important, but also anticipating your own feelings.
posted by zoomorphic at 6:44 AM on January 11, 2015 [18 favorites]
I think 4th grade would be the upper limit for me, personally. I think there's a definite shift in mindset for girls starting in 5th/6th grade compared to the lower grades as more and more girls in their class will have entered puberty, are experimenting with "going together" (or whatever the kids today call it) or having crushes on boy bands, they start getting sex ed in school, etc.
posted by drlith at 6:49 AM on January 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by drlith at 6:49 AM on January 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
+1 to zoomorphic!!
I think it's wonderful when kids can have their own rooms eventually, regardless of genders, but also think it's totally OK for opposite-sex siblings to share bedrooms (separate beds, of course) throughout high school even. And I know of examples, both in the US and in Europe, where it happened successfully. The kids, now adults no longer living at home, understood that it was financial necessity and made it work. In fact, I'd say they are "better" adjusted than many, more flexible and with stronger sibling relationships than on average.
If there was a sleepover with one guest, the other sibling slept on the couch or the whole party slept in the living room if there were multiple guests. As others have said, this aspect is super workable.
I have a friend whose parents slept in the living room on the pull-out couch so their two children (of the same gender) could have their own rooms. I've also read how families will divide a room in different ways or even convert closets into sleeping nooks.
If you're concerned about sexual abuse, for example, that's something that can happen regardless of room arrangements. I think it's always good to be pro-active by discussing appropriate touching and behavior, respecting boundaries, etc. early on with all kids.
That said, if your kids sharing a room long-term gives you pause, then I think it makes sense into looking for a different living space where each can have their own room. "Finally" getting my own room was a special event and something I really appreciated growing up; after all, it's a luxury or a plus but generally not a "must."
posted by smorgasbord at 8:07 AM on January 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
I think it's wonderful when kids can have their own rooms eventually, regardless of genders, but also think it's totally OK for opposite-sex siblings to share bedrooms (separate beds, of course) throughout high school even. And I know of examples, both in the US and in Europe, where it happened successfully. The kids, now adults no longer living at home, understood that it was financial necessity and made it work. In fact, I'd say they are "better" adjusted than many, more flexible and with stronger sibling relationships than on average.
If there was a sleepover with one guest, the other sibling slept on the couch or the whole party slept in the living room if there were multiple guests. As others have said, this aspect is super workable.
I have a friend whose parents slept in the living room on the pull-out couch so their two children (of the same gender) could have their own rooms. I've also read how families will divide a room in different ways or even convert closets into sleeping nooks.
If you're concerned about sexual abuse, for example, that's something that can happen regardless of room arrangements. I think it's always good to be pro-active by discussing appropriate touching and behavior, respecting boundaries, etc. early on with all kids.
That said, if your kids sharing a room long-term gives you pause, then I think it makes sense into looking for a different living space where each can have their own room. "Finally" getting my own room was a special event and something I really appreciated growing up; after all, it's a luxury or a plus but generally not a "must."
posted by smorgasbord at 8:07 AM on January 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
My brother and I did this. We got separate rooms (via an addition to the house) when I was in 4th or 5th grade and he was in 1st or 2nd. As many people have stated, this is going to become an issue first with the girl because she's older.
I would also think very much about how dividable the room is, or how to create private areas. We had one bathroom for our family until the addition (again, not unusual), so it was very hard for me to dress for school during the morning rush. We definitely had times where I was trying to dress in the closet or hold the door closed while he screamed and tried to get in, which was stressful for all concerned. But our room was quite small and there was no way to divide it.
I will say that my brother and I did not have a good relationship growing up and fought pretty much constantly. I'm not saying that the room caused this but it certainly didn't help that we had no way to get away from each other; our relationship drastically improved when we got our own spaces. So please be aware that sibling tolerance levels can change.
FYI social context: I grew up in a small, rural town in the U.S. where most people did try to get a third bedroom somehow, but housing costs were pretty low. Same gender siblings sharing rooms into middle/high school wasn't considered absolutely ideal but not a big deal either.
posted by Hypatia at 8:37 AM on January 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
I would also think very much about how dividable the room is, or how to create private areas. We had one bathroom for our family until the addition (again, not unusual), so it was very hard for me to dress for school during the morning rush. We definitely had times where I was trying to dress in the closet or hold the door closed while he screamed and tried to get in, which was stressful for all concerned. But our room was quite small and there was no way to divide it.
I will say that my brother and I did not have a good relationship growing up and fought pretty much constantly. I'm not saying that the room caused this but it certainly didn't help that we had no way to get away from each other; our relationship drastically improved when we got our own spaces. So please be aware that sibling tolerance levels can change.
FYI social context: I grew up in a small, rural town in the U.S. where most people did try to get a third bedroom somehow, but housing costs were pretty low. Same gender siblings sharing rooms into middle/high school wasn't considered absolutely ideal but not a big deal either.
posted by Hypatia at 8:37 AM on January 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
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posted by 724A at 9:06 PM on January 10, 2015