Should I give my friend a letter of recommendation for my old dream job?
January 9, 2015 12:09 PM Subscribe
Last year, I worked my dream job as the Director of a small museum and cultural center, and was forced to leave because my husband's job took us to another city. A friend of mine has expressed an enthusiastic interest in the job, but does not have any museum training, or any background in managing or running any type of business or institution whatsoever. He wants me to write a letter of recommendation. Should I?
I served as the Director of a small museum in northern Nevada last year. It turned out to be my dream job, not just because of the excellent work environment, but it was the ultimate culmination of about sixteen years of working towards a goal like that. It took a lot of formal, higher education, training, and hands-on experience that you just can't get any other way. The work is extremely challenging, detail-oriented, difficult, and supremely rewarding.
I was forced to leave that job. My husband had been unemployed for several months and finally was hired on with a new company in another city with a fantastic package, full benefits for him and myself, and a handsome paycheck that was much bigger than mine. We couldn't live on what I was making alone, so we decided to go ahead and make the move.
I was so determined to hold onto that job, though. I actually flew every single week back and forth between the old city and our new one. After a couple of months, I was completely exhausted from travel and the frustration of never really being home in either city. I made the hardest decision- to resign. It was one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make. The museum's Board of Trustees and the staff of volunteers took it very hard, too. They really liked me and my work, and we had all felt like I was making a genuine difference there.
Fast forward to the present, and the museum is looking for my replacement. A friend of mine is very interested in doing the job. In a lot of ways, I think that he would be a good fit. He's outgoing, intelligent, and has a vast network of people and resources that could have a big impact (especially financially) on a small, struggling local institution. However, he completely lacks the professional and educational background that I have. It was largely because of this background that I was hired on in the first place. I also have a great network, but it's not even close to what my friend has.
I gave him a great deal of assistance toward getting this job. I provided him with all of my application materials, my resume, curriculum vitae, and exit interview materials, all of which would give him a distinct advantage over other candidates vying for the same position. I've also spent a lot of time talking with him and answering his questions about what they will ask in the interview, what are some areas they will want expertise in, what some of the ongoing issues are at the museum, and so on. I've been like his personal Cliffs Notes for getting this job!
In the past week, though, he's been pestering me for more information, requests to go over his application materials, critiques of these materials, etc. He listed me as a reference without asking me. In addition to everything I have already done for him, he now wants me to write him a letter of recommendation.
I admit, of course, that I have some mixed feelings about this. It was a job I dearly loved, and I do want to see it go to the right person. If my friend had an educational or professional background like mine, I would absolutely feel inclined to write that letter for him. However, the fact that he totally lacks any background in any of these areas makes me wonder, that he might not be the best candidate. That I am the outgoing Director at present certainly would give a letter of recommendation tremendous weight, especially given the rapport I had with the Board of Trustees.
The thing that makes it a bit yucky is that it's a personal friend, someone who has been very good to me. I don't know if he'd be upset with me or not if I didn't write the letter. I have given so much time and effort to help him get this job already. And yes, it is hard to see my old dream job go to someone who might not have the same appreciation for what it takes to work in that world. In no way whatsoever is it a run-of-the-mill office job!
Extra details:
* He does have other letters of recommendation in his application packet already
* He has a hefty record of unemployment/being fired from previous jobs
* He has caught the attention of one of the Board of Trustees members who has a lot of clout with the museum and other board members, and she already seems ready to hire him
Am I being a complete ass for hesitating to write him such a letter? Should I let him down on this one? Or do I write the letter anyway, knowing that my influence will put him at a distinct advantage over others who might be more qualified?
I served as the Director of a small museum in northern Nevada last year. It turned out to be my dream job, not just because of the excellent work environment, but it was the ultimate culmination of about sixteen years of working towards a goal like that. It took a lot of formal, higher education, training, and hands-on experience that you just can't get any other way. The work is extremely challenging, detail-oriented, difficult, and supremely rewarding.
I was forced to leave that job. My husband had been unemployed for several months and finally was hired on with a new company in another city with a fantastic package, full benefits for him and myself, and a handsome paycheck that was much bigger than mine. We couldn't live on what I was making alone, so we decided to go ahead and make the move.
I was so determined to hold onto that job, though. I actually flew every single week back and forth between the old city and our new one. After a couple of months, I was completely exhausted from travel and the frustration of never really being home in either city. I made the hardest decision- to resign. It was one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make. The museum's Board of Trustees and the staff of volunteers took it very hard, too. They really liked me and my work, and we had all felt like I was making a genuine difference there.
Fast forward to the present, and the museum is looking for my replacement. A friend of mine is very interested in doing the job. In a lot of ways, I think that he would be a good fit. He's outgoing, intelligent, and has a vast network of people and resources that could have a big impact (especially financially) on a small, struggling local institution. However, he completely lacks the professional and educational background that I have. It was largely because of this background that I was hired on in the first place. I also have a great network, but it's not even close to what my friend has.
I gave him a great deal of assistance toward getting this job. I provided him with all of my application materials, my resume, curriculum vitae, and exit interview materials, all of which would give him a distinct advantage over other candidates vying for the same position. I've also spent a lot of time talking with him and answering his questions about what they will ask in the interview, what are some areas they will want expertise in, what some of the ongoing issues are at the museum, and so on. I've been like his personal Cliffs Notes for getting this job!
In the past week, though, he's been pestering me for more information, requests to go over his application materials, critiques of these materials, etc. He listed me as a reference without asking me. In addition to everything I have already done for him, he now wants me to write him a letter of recommendation.
I admit, of course, that I have some mixed feelings about this. It was a job I dearly loved, and I do want to see it go to the right person. If my friend had an educational or professional background like mine, I would absolutely feel inclined to write that letter for him. However, the fact that he totally lacks any background in any of these areas makes me wonder, that he might not be the best candidate. That I am the outgoing Director at present certainly would give a letter of recommendation tremendous weight, especially given the rapport I had with the Board of Trustees.
The thing that makes it a bit yucky is that it's a personal friend, someone who has been very good to me. I don't know if he'd be upset with me or not if I didn't write the letter. I have given so much time and effort to help him get this job already. And yes, it is hard to see my old dream job go to someone who might not have the same appreciation for what it takes to work in that world. In no way whatsoever is it a run-of-the-mill office job!
Extra details:
* He does have other letters of recommendation in his application packet already
* He has a hefty record of unemployment/being fired from previous jobs
* He has caught the attention of one of the Board of Trustees members who has a lot of clout with the museum and other board members, and she already seems ready to hire him
Am I being a complete ass for hesitating to write him such a letter? Should I let him down on this one? Or do I write the letter anyway, knowing that my influence will put him at a distinct advantage over others who might be more qualified?
Why not write the letter but include a section (or paragraph) that describes the reservations that you've listed here? Don't give the letter to him -- send it directly to the hiring committee. You don't have to make your reservations sound like deal-breakers -- just an honest and diplomatic assessment of possible deficiencies in his background.
posted by alex1965 at 12:21 PM on January 9, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by alex1965 at 12:21 PM on January 9, 2015 [5 favorites]
Best answer: Don't write the letter. You'd be doing the museum a disservice by putting someone forward who you don't think is fit for the position. And you run the slight risk of tarnishing your own reputation if he screws up - and you have some valid concerns that he might screw up.
posted by cabingirl at 12:24 PM on January 9, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by cabingirl at 12:24 PM on January 9, 2015 [4 favorites]
I would politely decline to write the letter. You've certainly done enough at this point.
Sending one to the hiring committee that includes reservations has a strong chance of torpedoing any chances of them getting the job.
posted by festivus at 12:25 PM on January 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
Sending one to the hiring committee that includes reservations has a strong chance of torpedoing any chances of them getting the job.
posted by festivus at 12:25 PM on January 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
I'm so sorry you had to give up this job! It sounds like you're still mourning it. For a second, though, let's take that reality out of the equation. The gig is no longer yours, and someone else is going to get it.
You're clearly conflicted about whether or not your friend can do the job well. (Positive: great network! Negative: little experience and spotty employment history). If that's the case, why have you been helping him so much with the application process? In his position, I would expect a recommendation from you, too.
But regardless of his expectations at this point, I would not endorse your friend if you don't believe he is right for the job. Doing so could potentially cause big problems for both the museum and him.
When he asks again, you can say that it's a personal policy to only write job recommendations for people you have worked with. That's totally reasonable, and he should back off.
posted by jessca84 at 12:34 PM on January 9, 2015 [9 favorites]
You're clearly conflicted about whether or not your friend can do the job well. (Positive: great network! Negative: little experience and spotty employment history). If that's the case, why have you been helping him so much with the application process? In his position, I would expect a recommendation from you, too.
But regardless of his expectations at this point, I would not endorse your friend if you don't believe he is right for the job. Doing so could potentially cause big problems for both the museum and him.
When he asks again, you can say that it's a personal policy to only write job recommendations for people you have worked with. That's totally reasonable, and he should back off.
posted by jessca84 at 12:34 PM on January 9, 2015 [9 favorites]
I would write the letter saying pretty much what you said in your question--the good stuff and your reservations, because it does sound like he might be good on the fundraising side of things. Then I would give the letter to him and tell him that this is the only letter you are comfortable writing for him. Leave it up to him to send or not send.
posted by agatha_magatha at 12:35 PM on January 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by agatha_magatha at 12:35 PM on January 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
> He listed me as a reference without asking me.
Game over. Bad friend, no letter. That's a sign there are issues.
Asking for a reference is a sign of respect, and your friend broke this trust. If you get called by your former employer, I'd be inclined to state that you didn't give your permission.
posted by scruss at 12:52 PM on January 9, 2015 [10 favorites]
Game over. Bad friend, no letter. That's a sign there are issues.
Asking for a reference is a sign of respect, and your friend broke this trust. If you get called by your former employer, I'd be inclined to state that you didn't give your permission.
posted by scruss at 12:52 PM on January 9, 2015 [10 favorites]
I wouldn't write the letter. But, because you say he's been a good friend to you in the past, here is what I would do:
1. Call your closest acquaintance on the hiring committee;
2. Tell them exactly what you told us - that you think his network is exceptional and that if there's a big fundraising portion to the job, his network could be a great asset to them; but that he lacks the qualifications for the other parts of the job as you performed it;
3. Tell him that you made a personal call rather than writing a letter, and told them how great his network is and that it could really help them.
That's it. And you know, it's possible that the fundraising component is a bigger part of this now than it was when you were there, or that parts of the job requiring your training can be done by others, etc. So it's possible that he could be an asset for them even he only stays a couple years.
And I strongly disagree that it was wrong for him to put you as a reference. You helped him apply for the job! I would assume that you were in my corner too if you did that for me.
posted by fingersandtoes at 1:04 PM on January 9, 2015 [8 favorites]
1. Call your closest acquaintance on the hiring committee;
2. Tell them exactly what you told us - that you think his network is exceptional and that if there's a big fundraising portion to the job, his network could be a great asset to them; but that he lacks the qualifications for the other parts of the job as you performed it;
3. Tell him that you made a personal call rather than writing a letter, and told them how great his network is and that it could really help them.
That's it. And you know, it's possible that the fundraising component is a bigger part of this now than it was when you were there, or that parts of the job requiring your training can be done by others, etc. So it's possible that he could be an asset for them even he only stays a couple years.
And I strongly disagree that it was wrong for him to put you as a reference. You helped him apply for the job! I would assume that you were in my corner too if you did that for me.
posted by fingersandtoes at 1:04 PM on January 9, 2015 [8 favorites]
Best answer: Also: I'd use the call opportunity to ask how things are going, catch up a bit, and say something like "you know Phyllis, it just kills me to have had to leave that role. I miss the museum every day. If there are ever any projects you need done that don't require being onsite, I hope you'll let me know so I can help in another capacity." Just in case.
posted by fingersandtoes at 1:12 PM on January 9, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by fingersandtoes at 1:12 PM on January 9, 2015 [5 favorites]
When he asks again, you can say that it's a personal policy to only write job recommendations for people you have worked with. That's totally reasonable, and he should back off.
This.
But if you do decide to do it, you should be clear with him what you are and are not prepared to say in your letter i.e. that you can comment on his network, intelligence, enthusiasm, etc but that as you have never worked together you cannot say anything about his professional skills.
I've done this before with people who have worked for me but are applying for jobs in different fields, along the lines of "I'm happy to be a referee, but I want to be clear that I can only comment on [skill X that I saw them demonstrate, general work ethic], not [skill Y that I know they claim to have but have never seen evidence of because it wasn't part of the job they did for me]." That way, they can decide if they want to use me as a reference or not.
posted by une_heure_pleine at 1:15 PM on January 9, 2015 [4 favorites]
This.
But if you do decide to do it, you should be clear with him what you are and are not prepared to say in your letter i.e. that you can comment on his network, intelligence, enthusiasm, etc but that as you have never worked together you cannot say anything about his professional skills.
I've done this before with people who have worked for me but are applying for jobs in different fields, along the lines of "I'm happy to be a referee, but I want to be clear that I can only comment on [skill X that I saw them demonstrate, general work ethic], not [skill Y that I know they claim to have but have never seen evidence of because it wasn't part of the job they did for me]." That way, they can decide if they want to use me as a reference or not.
posted by une_heure_pleine at 1:15 PM on January 9, 2015 [4 favorites]
He listed me as a reference without asking me.
I agree that technically he should have asked first, but given all of the assistance you've been giving him, I don't see it as a great sin that he might have figured this was an unspoken agreement.
I can't help myself: I think you need to apply your Big Brain to figuring out some way that you can take this job back!
But - re the letter: I find it difficult to ascertain just what kind of friend this person is. This is just me, and I hope I don't come off as "superior", but any true friend that I was helping like this would be able to handle the truth if I told them "look, if I write you a letter, I'm professionally bound to mention the negatives as well as the positives in your background." I would question the friendship of someone who could not handle this.
I don't know the nature of the relationship. Frankly, it sounds like you are helping him more out of a feeling of obligation, and it also sounds like he is pressuring you to do more (in many ways, not just this letter) than you are truly comfortable doing.
In the end, it's going to be your judgement call. But I'll be frank one last time and tell you that it sounds to me like you don't really think he's the right man for the job. And I agree that your reputation is at risk here.
Good luck with this - I don't envy your position.
Okay, one last thought, if it should come up: I don't think you should write him a glowing letter and then discuss your reservations privately with the hiring committee. I think it would reflect poorly upon you. I don't recall seeing this suggested as a course of action, but if it comes up: please don't do this.
posted by doctor tough love at 1:28 PM on January 9, 2015 [4 favorites]
I agree that technically he should have asked first, but given all of the assistance you've been giving him, I don't see it as a great sin that he might have figured this was an unspoken agreement.
I can't help myself: I think you need to apply your Big Brain to figuring out some way that you can take this job back!
But - re the letter: I find it difficult to ascertain just what kind of friend this person is. This is just me, and I hope I don't come off as "superior", but any true friend that I was helping like this would be able to handle the truth if I told them "look, if I write you a letter, I'm professionally bound to mention the negatives as well as the positives in your background." I would question the friendship of someone who could not handle this.
I don't know the nature of the relationship. Frankly, it sounds like you are helping him more out of a feeling of obligation, and it also sounds like he is pressuring you to do more (in many ways, not just this letter) than you are truly comfortable doing.
In the end, it's going to be your judgement call. But I'll be frank one last time and tell you that it sounds to me like you don't really think he's the right man for the job. And I agree that your reputation is at risk here.
Good luck with this - I don't envy your position.
Okay, one last thought, if it should come up: I don't think you should write him a glowing letter and then discuss your reservations privately with the hiring committee. I think it would reflect poorly upon you. I don't recall seeing this suggested as a course of action, but if it comes up: please don't do this.
posted by doctor tough love at 1:28 PM on January 9, 2015 [4 favorites]
Best answer: Can't you just tell him that given your former association with the museum, you don't feel it would be fair or appropriate for you to provide such a letter? That it would be too interfering and would reflect badly on you, or something similar?
posted by dilettante at 1:40 PM on January 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by dilettante at 1:40 PM on January 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
He has a hefty record of unemployment/being fired from previous jobs
Personally, there are very very few situations where I would be comfortable writing a recommendation for someone who had been fired from many jobs. It it your own credibility and professional persona on the line here.
Nthing that you only write reccs for people you've worked with.
posted by smoke at 2:19 PM on January 9, 2015 [7 favorites]
Personally, there are very very few situations where I would be comfortable writing a recommendation for someone who had been fired from many jobs. It it your own credibility and professional persona on the line here.
Nthing that you only write reccs for people you've worked with.
posted by smoke at 2:19 PM on January 9, 2015 [7 favorites]
I like fingersandtoes's advice except: what happens when she tells him she did this, and he still wants a letter of recommendation?
My gut feeling is that this is not unlikely.
I also find myself wondering if the LW were to write this letter, would this letter be re-used again for other jobs down the road?
I'm being rather harsh on this guy, I know, and perhaps unjustly so. But from what LW wrote, I am simply not impressed with this person.
posted by doctor tough love at 5:44 PM on January 9, 2015
My gut feeling is that this is not unlikely.
I also find myself wondering if the LW were to write this letter, would this letter be re-used again for other jobs down the road?
I'm being rather harsh on this guy, I know, and perhaps unjustly so. But from what LW wrote, I am simply not impressed with this person.
posted by doctor tough love at 5:44 PM on January 9, 2015
I could not write a letter for someone with a bad work history who probably won't last very long. Period.
I think if it were me I'd privately talk to folks about his good points and bad points, but not put anything in writing. And/or tell him that you can't formally recommend him because you are personally biased and can't technically speak as to what to he's like to work with. Though given the amount of gung ho/pushy he's being about this, I bet he doesn't take no for an answer well or at all. Good luck with this, but it's a sticky situation.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:29 PM on January 9, 2015
I think if it were me I'd privately talk to folks about his good points and bad points, but not put anything in writing. And/or tell him that you can't formally recommend him because you are personally biased and can't technically speak as to what to he's like to work with. Though given the amount of gung ho/pushy he's being about this, I bet he doesn't take no for an answer well or at all. Good luck with this, but it's a sticky situation.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:29 PM on January 9, 2015
Considering that you went to great lengths and put a lot of time into helping him get the job, I'm not surprised that he is asking you for more help nor that he listed you as a reference; why would you go to that much trouble to help him get your old job unless you intended to recommend him? This doesn't add up.
That said, of course you shouldn't write a letter of recommendation for someone you think is unqualified for the position and has a dodgy work history. You just shouldn't have encouraged him to get to this point in the first place.
Now that you're here, I would suggest that you decline the letter on the grounds that you haven't actually worked with him and he has other letters. Citing personal bias makes no sense because people write personal references all the time. Definitely don't write the letter and then go behind his back to undermine it; that would also make you look bad.
I'm going to be blunt: given your question history I think this is more about you than him. I think you don't want him to have the job because you want to go back to it yourself. And I think that going back to the job is what you should try to do.
You don't need to undermine your friend in order to do that, just be straightforward and tell them you've been doing some hard thinking and you want to come back as full-time director. Your friend won't like it, but it sounds like you don't think much of him anyway and besides he may even understand.
posted by tel3path at 11:28 PM on January 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
That said, of course you shouldn't write a letter of recommendation for someone you think is unqualified for the position and has a dodgy work history. You just shouldn't have encouraged him to get to this point in the first place.
Now that you're here, I would suggest that you decline the letter on the grounds that you haven't actually worked with him and he has other letters. Citing personal bias makes no sense because people write personal references all the time. Definitely don't write the letter and then go behind his back to undermine it; that would also make you look bad.
I'm going to be blunt: given your question history I think this is more about you than him. I think you don't want him to have the job because you want to go back to it yourself. And I think that going back to the job is what you should try to do.
You don't need to undermine your friend in order to do that, just be straightforward and tell them you've been doing some hard thinking and you want to come back as full-time director. Your friend won't like it, but it sounds like you don't think much of him anyway and besides he may even understand.
posted by tel3path at 11:28 PM on January 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
Don't write the recommendation letter if you don't feel comfortable with the situation. It could have professional ramifications for you if he performs poorly.
I also think you were too generous with your assistance considering you don't actually think he's right for the job. You might want to examine your motivations for going to so much trouble when you had such strong reservations all along. Why is it only now that you're backpedaling and not before you gave him your resume and CV? I would never, ever do that for someone unless they were my absolute best friend and I thought they were perfect for my previous and much beloved job.
I agree with the others who said that you should try to get your old job back. It really seems like you'd rather be working there yourself rather than helping your friend get the role. You write very lovingly of the position and it's your self-admitted dream job. I think one of the best things you could do for yourself right now, in fact, is go back to your old job if you can. If you did that, you could always consider bringing in your friend in a fundraising capacity. The museum could benefit from his connections while keeping his questionable work ethic in check.
posted by i feel possessed at 5:28 AM on January 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
I also think you were too generous with your assistance considering you don't actually think he's right for the job. You might want to examine your motivations for going to so much trouble when you had such strong reservations all along. Why is it only now that you're backpedaling and not before you gave him your resume and CV? I would never, ever do that for someone unless they were my absolute best friend and I thought they were perfect for my previous and much beloved job.
I agree with the others who said that you should try to get your old job back. It really seems like you'd rather be working there yourself rather than helping your friend get the role. You write very lovingly of the position and it's your self-admitted dream job. I think one of the best things you could do for yourself right now, in fact, is go back to your old job if you can. If you did that, you could always consider bringing in your friend in a fundraising capacity. The museum could benefit from his connections while keeping his questionable work ethic in check.
posted by i feel possessed at 5:28 AM on January 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
I don't understand why you say he would be a great fit when he's not got the educational and professional experience required for the role, he has a work history of being fired, and the role is so high stakes for the institution. He is a terrible fit based on what you've said.
Tell him you can't give him a recommendation because you've never worked with him, and if I were you I'd call them and tell them quietly that you do not think he's a good fit. If he put you as a reference without asking then who knows what he's told them about your opinion of him or if he's told them the truth about his background that might make that board member think he'd be a good fit.
posted by winna at 5:43 AM on January 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
Tell him you can't give him a recommendation because you've never worked with him, and if I were you I'd call them and tell them quietly that you do not think he's a good fit. If he put you as a reference without asking then who knows what he's told them about your opinion of him or if he's told them the truth about his background that might make that board member think he'd be a good fit.
posted by winna at 5:43 AM on January 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
Forgive me for looking at a previous question. I think this question explains the central mystery of your previous question: why would your husband suddenly start treating you with abuse and contempt?
There are abusers who mostly control their behavior until some circumstance (falling pregnant being the most common) limits their partner's ability to leave. Our neighbor growing up was abused by her husband; she lost her hearing in one ear, he hit her so hard in the head. The first time he hit her? in an airplane bathroom, on the way from her native Chile to his native US, just a few days after they married. Now she was in a foreign country, with no family or friends, and was soon pregnant to boot. He could treat her as he liked, and did.
Up until the last several months, it seems, you lived in a place where you had a dream job and a support network. Your husband was even dependent on your income for a while. Now he's not, and you've given up that network.
In short, it's my conjecture that giving up your job was when your husband gave himself permission to start treating you abusively. Contact the museum, tell them you'd love your old job back, and move back. This will only get worse.
posted by palliser at 12:41 PM on January 10, 2015 [3 favorites]
There are abusers who mostly control their behavior until some circumstance (falling pregnant being the most common) limits their partner's ability to leave. Our neighbor growing up was abused by her husband; she lost her hearing in one ear, he hit her so hard in the head. The first time he hit her? in an airplane bathroom, on the way from her native Chile to his native US, just a few days after they married. Now she was in a foreign country, with no family or friends, and was soon pregnant to boot. He could treat her as he liked, and did.
Up until the last several months, it seems, you lived in a place where you had a dream job and a support network. Your husband was even dependent on your income for a while. Now he's not, and you've given up that network.
In short, it's my conjecture that giving up your job was when your husband gave himself permission to start treating you abusively. Contact the museum, tell them you'd love your old job back, and move back. This will only get worse.
posted by palliser at 12:41 PM on January 10, 2015 [3 favorites]
Whoa! Ok, I finally looked at your posting history too and I am sorry I didn't do it before. Now I understand why people are telling you to take your old job back, which was mystifying me.
Taken as a whole the narrative here (and I realize it's not the whole story) reads to me like this:
1. you leave your amazing job and move with your husband to support his career and make your life together financially viable;
2. in the context of the move, sometime after the decision has been made to move (i.e. to reduce your options and remove you from your network), your husband turns out to be a truly scary, verbally abusive jerk, and this behavior continues;
3. the issue with the friend's application to your old job has reminded you the job is still vacant and that you could probably have it back if you wanted to leave your husband, and the question of whether your marriage is great enough to justify you sacrificing your career for it is lurking under the red herring of your friend's application.
Is this what's happening?
posted by fingersandtoes at 1:09 PM on January 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
Taken as a whole the narrative here (and I realize it's not the whole story) reads to me like this:
1. you leave your amazing job and move with your husband to support his career and make your life together financially viable;
2. in the context of the move, sometime after the decision has been made to move (i.e. to reduce your options and remove you from your network), your husband turns out to be a truly scary, verbally abusive jerk, and this behavior continues;
3. the issue with the friend's application to your old job has reminded you the job is still vacant and that you could probably have it back if you wanted to leave your husband, and the question of whether your marriage is great enough to justify you sacrificing your career for it is lurking under the red herring of your friend's application.
Is this what's happening?
posted by fingersandtoes at 1:09 PM on January 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: ...giving up your job was when your husband gave himself permission to start treating you abusively...
Actually, the abuse began a couple of months before I left the museum.
...the friend's application to your old job has reminded you the job is still vacant and that you could probably have it back if you wanted to leave your husband, and the question of whether your marriage is great enough to justify you sacrificing your career for it is lurking under the red herring of your friend's application. Is this what's happening?
This has naturally been on my mind for months now. However, my intentions at present are more focused on leaving a bad marital situation and moving on to a new city that has better opportunities than my old hometown. I need a fresh start... that's the part I am working on right now. Helping the museum find the best possible replacement for me is part of that.
Plus, I do NOT want to go back to my old hometown. It's small with few opportunities for professional growth. It's time I put on my big girl panties and start exploring new horizons for the kind of life I truly want and deserve to have.
posted by chatelaine at 1:26 PM on January 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
Actually, the abuse began a couple of months before I left the museum.
...the friend's application to your old job has reminded you the job is still vacant and that you could probably have it back if you wanted to leave your husband, and the question of whether your marriage is great enough to justify you sacrificing your career for it is lurking under the red herring of your friend's application. Is this what's happening?
This has naturally been on my mind for months now. However, my intentions at present are more focused on leaving a bad marital situation and moving on to a new city that has better opportunities than my old hometown. I need a fresh start... that's the part I am working on right now. Helping the museum find the best possible replacement for me is part of that.
Plus, I do NOT want to go back to my old hometown. It's small with few opportunities for professional growth. It's time I put on my big girl panties and start exploring new horizons for the kind of life I truly want and deserve to have.
posted by chatelaine at 1:26 PM on January 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
For nothing else, if you write this letter and he does not succeed in this role, that will reflect very poorly on you and your judgment, and will sour the opinions of you that your board/colleagues there currently have. Don't put yourself in that position.
posted by brainmouse at 12:17 PM on January 9, 2015 [22 favorites]