rebooting my life in a new city after a ended relationship and

January 4, 2015 6:56 AM

In a few weeks, I'm relocating from DC to Los Angeles for a new job - I've been in DC for most of the last 8 years, in the same job for 7.5, and just got out of a three year relationship. So suffice to say that I haven't had a lot of major life changes in quite some time? This move fixes a lot of issues for me (more details inside) - how do I make the most of it and hit the ground running, socially and otherwise?

I was in the same federal governement agency for about 7.5 years, and had started to get stuck - this move takes me to work in local government, increases my salary, and gets me into a supervisory position - so it's a great move. It also gets me to Los Angeles and Southern California- where I've always wanted to live.

Finally, it's a great opportunity to reboot and start over now. I was in a not-so-great relationship for a few years that was really demanding and emotionally exhausting, and it really made me insular and wore down my social circles (i spent a lot of time with friends at arms-length because of how social anxiety ridden my ex-girlfriend was), among other things. Over those three years, a number of friends moved, a number of friends got married, or life changes happened and i found myself with a lot weaker social network than i had in 2011 when we started dating.

So in this way, it's actually a really good time to move and restart/reboot my life. With that being said - I'm actually not quite sure how to! I know the new location will help me reboot my thinking and reassess my life, but I just haven't moved for so long (since college) that I'm not sure how to build new social networks (I've signed up for a bunch of meetups) - I was in DC for so long that I had a lot of networks by virtue of community i lived in, or by being involved and getting pulled into things incrementally. I want to try to proactively build community quickly with down to earth folks (i'll be living in downtown Los Angeles, which is close to my job.

(I'm 33 and male, if that matters)

posted by waylaid to Human Relations (16 answers total)

Meetups are fine, but be prepared for them to feel very superficial.

Join a religious organization, if you're not religious try a UU Church. They are typically very welcoming and there are lots of activities.

Downtown is not really a hip and happening place. So you may want to find a regular spot. A coffee shop, pub, a place where you can hang out and meet people. You might enroll in classes, either for fun, or for a certificate.

As for meeting down to earth folks in LA. Good luck with that. As a person who spent a considerable amount of time in California, we're friendly and delightful, and flaky as shit. I'm not kidding. People go to LA to live that beachy, sunny, carefree life and they tend to follow bright, shiny objects. So when they agree to meet you at the Farmer's Market, they mean it, but then they'll get invited to brunch and suddenly they're off in a different direction. They don't mean anything by it, they're just flakes.

I do recommend signing up on OKC and dating, gives you a reason to leave the house and get out and meet new people.

Also, be prepared to be disappointed. Once the novelty wears off, you may feel lonely. That's the nature of huge moves like this. It took me 3 years to feel at home in Florida when I moved there from California. So expect to have some down moments and to doubt yourself.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:24 AM on January 4, 2015 [2 favorites]

Once you get settled, watch IRL for mefi meetups -- there's a pretty active LA crowd.

What part of LA are you moving to? LA's a huge city with distinct regions, so answers will vary a lot depending on where you plan to live.
posted by Alterscape at 7:40 AM on January 4, 2015 [1 favorite]

On preview, saw you were in DTLA. In that case, look at Nullspace Labs, if you're at all maker/DIY-y!
posted by Alterscape at 7:41 AM on January 4, 2015

As for meeting down to earth folks in LA. Good luck with that. As a person who spent a considerable amount of time in California, we're friendly and delightful, and flaky as shit. I'm not kidding. People go to LA to live that beachy, sunny, carefree life and they tend to follow bright, shiny objects. So when they agree to meet you at the Farmer's Market, they mean it, but then they'll get invited to brunch and suddenly they're off in a different direction. They don't mean anything by it, they're just flakes.

You will hear this tired refrain again and again. If you work in the entertainment industry or have some job that relies heavily on superficial public opinion, then yes, you will meet some flaky people. That's just how a lot of transient, networking-heavy jobs operate. If everyone you know is a musician, restauranteur, trophy spouse, actor, or boutique owner, then yes, you will probably encounter a decent percentage of superficially friendly people who are trying to figure out how you can further their career.

But LA is filled with down-to-earth people. I've lived here most of my life and nobody I spend time with is flaky. None of my friends or family or coworkers. Not my neighbors. None of the people I do business with. If you meet people you don't like, you don't have to spend time with them.

How do you meet people? I have friends and family who work in local government and they are some of the least pretentious souls to ever live, so you will probably have great luck meeting folks at work. Say hi to your neighbors. Go to meetups. Look through the LA Weekly to see what's going on that week and try out whatever sounds fun. Take classes in whatever sounds interesting. Go to the library. Volunteer. Be prepared to drive (and drive) to other parts of town--my social network is scattered all over LA but it's worth it because I know wonderful people.
posted by corey flood at 9:34 AM on January 4, 2015 [4 favorites]

DTLA is kind of the newest thing, though I don't know if the young folks/hipsters have embraced it with full vigor just yet. But I'm seeing announcements of funky restaurants opening up, so something is happening.

There is a certain flakiness here, but to me it seems like it's because people are hyper-sensitive to traveling any sort of distance (in Dallas and San Diego I lived 30-50 minutes from friends but nobody boggled about how faaaaar it was...and even I do it now sometimes), and there's so much to do here that people are busy - it's a lot harder to have impromptu gatherings, but that is largely because people already have plans. I've seen friends send out Save The Date notices about parties 2-3 months in advance, because otherwise half the people you invite will already have tickets or a commitment to something.

I think a certain amount of the loneliness can be because of that kind of planner mentality as well. I see that some of my friends are out together and we weren't invited, and that's because we weren't around when they all discovered XYZ was happening and they all bought tickets on the spot. I'm having to learn to be more proactive both about pursuing things to do and making firm holes in my schedule to do things in.

A class is a good way to socialize for that reason - people know where they have to go when they sign up, generally, and are prepared for it. Ditto team stuff, either sports or creative groups (I just found out about a competitive team karaoke league this weekend - truly all things are possible in LA) with a set schedule.

with down to earth folks

Just make sure you're not using this phrase prejudicially. What you might secretly be saying is "no Industry people," but that is a very large brush and this town is full of PAs and equipment operators and editors and composers and yes, even actors, who are very cool generous hardworking (often 3-4-5-6 jobs at a time hardworking) creative people. There are also pretentious assholes, as is also true in manufacturing or sales or government work.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:09 AM on January 4, 2015 [3 favorites]

Do you have a hobby? The fastest way I made friends when I moved to CA was to participate in a sporting club. I've never actually done a meetup group but I have friends that have had good success with them.

I will say that Californians CAN be flakes, but not everyone here is! You just have to figure out who the flakes are so you can keep them around with a wink and a grain of salt and not let them get to you. Then you invest your time in the people that prove themselves reliable.
posted by christiehawk at 10:44 AM on January 4, 2015

Volunteer at the nearest food bank , animal shelter, or similar to get a sense in f community and meet other people who care about giving back.
posted by rpfields at 11:27 AM on January 4, 2015

I've relocated a few times and I sympathize with you about getting established in a new place! Like you, I used my moves to close a chapter, take the lessons I've learned, and start anew with the perspective of my wiser, older self. In each place I've become a better, more whole and engaged version of myself - and have gotten better at forming relationships, too - so I'm feeling excited for you to have the chance to do the same!

In terms of friendships, an explanation that has made sense to me is that we need repeated interactions with someone to build a friendship. When I'm looking for new friends, I start by making a big effort to meet a wide variety of people with whom I share interests and/or values, figuring that some of them might click with me on a deeper level. I sort of think of it like a funnel, that I have to put a lot of people in to get a few good friends out.

Meetup is a great way to find a whole ton of these people quickly (Couchsurfing, too) but you can also look for hobby groups, volunteer opportunities, and group classes. Do you like hiking? Playing music? Travel? Want to learn how to swing dance? How to speak Spanish? There are so many great ways to spend time with new people. It does take some effort to get out there (especially on those evenings when it's tempting to curl up with Netflix) but it's worth it. you never know when you'll cross paths with someone amazing so the more opportunities you give yourself, the better. I owe two of my closest relationships - a close friend and my life partner - to getting myself out of the house on nights when I wasn't really feeling like going anywhere.

But the key is following up after you meet them for the first time. You might need to take more initiative than you're used to, at least for the first 6-24 months while you're getting established. I like to think of it like dating: you go out to a Meetup, you might meet 5-10 people and click with 1 or 2. (Sometimes none, and that's OK too.) For those few that you click with, invite them out for coffee or to visit the art museum or go for a hike or whatever else you both would enjoy. If you do Facebook, friend them to help stay in touch. And you'll see whether you guys are enjoying each others' company and want to keep spending time together, or not. If so, keep inviting them out to activities, group hangouts, dinners, etc... Eventually you'll find a few people like that who really stick as a friend, so start introducing them to each other, get to know their friends, and you'll notice that a nice community is forming around you! :)

Also, ditto Ruthless Bunny's comment on loneliness. It's part of any move so be patient and understanding with yourself, and know that it's not permanent. Good luck!!
posted by inatizzy at 11:49 AM on January 4, 2015

Response by poster: You will hear this tired refrain again and again. If you work in the entertainment industry or have some job that relies heavily on superficial public opinion, then yes, you will meet some flaky people. That's just how a lot of transient, networking-heavy jobs operate.

Thanks - that's actually how I know folks feel about DC too, and I know one has to work harder to avoid that (i'm actually relishing not being around so many policy/political wonks all the time - after this much time in national level government, i used to find it invigorating and now i find it exhausting).

I'm not sure that DTLA is a permenant location - it's a jumping off point for my first year there (I live in a old streetcar suburb of DC and was hoping for some of the same type of community. DTLA works for the eastbound commute for my job and was easier to find a place given my very short-term schedule for moving.
posted by waylaid at 12:33 PM on January 4, 2015

First off, if you want to know some cool places to go in DTLA DM me. We've been living here for several years and we love it, and I follow the restaurant scene like it's my job.

One of the challenges I've found to friendship in LA is distance. Lyn Never noted that people didn't complain about driving a 30-50 minute to get together in San Diego; I think the difference is that in LA something could be 30 minutes or 3 hours depending on traffic, and traffic is unpredictable. (I have been in gridlock at 4am on the 101 and I've gotten from Burbank to Irvine and back in 1 hour 45 minutes in rush hour; I take the same bus to work every day but arrive up to 45 minutes earlier on some days, and it is rarely predictable.) We see lots more of our downtown friends just by virtue of the fact that we can walk there.

Getting together in LA definitely takes more follow up, more effort and a fair amount more of "let's meet at this midpoint that is equally inconvenient for both of us."
posted by rednikki at 2:01 PM on January 4, 2015 [3 favorites]

you're downtown? That is one of the friendliest neighborhoods in LA. I work downtown, and everyone is really nice.

LA is a tough place to make friends. Be patient. Message me if you have any questions about downtown!
posted by ablazingsaddle at 2:45 PM on January 4, 2015 [1 favorite]

LA native here — nthing that there's a lot less flakiness than people say there is. There's a big divide between people who've lived here most of their life, and the starry-eyed ones who've moved here in an attempt to make it — corey flood's comment is spot-on. When people complain about flakes, it's never the surfer dude who grew up in Seal Beach that they're complaining about, you know?

Time and location is definitely an obstacle to seeing people often, so be ready to do a lot of driving. Be prepared for some people to balk at driving any longer than 30 minutes to come see you when the friendship's new.

Oh, and check out the LA Weekly's website for things to do as a complement to the meetups.
posted by culfinglin at 5:02 PM on January 4, 2015 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: culfinglin - any thoughts on things to do to not end up with a social circle entirely of LA transplants? I worked hard to do that in DC and would like to replicate that in my new home - i found my experiences in DC to be far richer when surrounded by people that care about the place they live (rather than treating it as a passthrough)
posted by waylaid at 5:57 PM on January 4, 2015

Transplants are not the same here as in DC, though, and I don't think that's who corey flood was talking about.

While you do get the occasional person who is reluctant to be here except they have to be here for the one thing (and natives who are over it but can't get away because of roots), lots of transplants to LA wanted to come here sometimes all their lives, and some came reluctantly and fell in love (guilty). This is a hard place to stay if you don't like it.

There's a certain cred extended to lifers - who had childhoods here - but this is kind of a place where most everyone is from somewhere else. Sometimes that "somewhere else" is Irvine or Ventura. It seems weird to me that you would come here and snub someone like me because I've only been here a short time, but you can create whatever experience you want. Just ask everyone you meet if they were born here, and walk away if they weren't.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:08 PM on January 5, 2015

Los Angeleños all come from somewhere, goes the song.

Are you trying to weed transplants out of a social circle? Or just trying to recognize the natives?

Given how many transplants there are from other states, combined with immigrants from other countries, it's going to be extremely difficult to create a social circle of only LA natives. It's not like we have a Sekrit Handshake, dude. I promise. ;) Hmm. Although I suppose you could probably look for people who are prone to using dude as a part of speech to try to find the natives. They'll also be the ones with long-suffering sighs when they hear people who talk loudly about how much better it was back [whereever], how much traffic sucks here, how there's no real weather in LA, and how it's just full of flakes.


Oh, slightly off-topic: you might find this interactive map of LA's neighborhoods useful.
posted by culfinglin at 2:36 PM on January 5, 2015

Response by poster: Are you trying to weed transplants out of a social circle? Or just trying to recognize the natives? Given how many transplants there are from other states, combined with immigrants from other countries, it's going to be extremely difficult to create a social circle of only LA natives.

Oops! I think i didn't explain myself well here. I meant that i would try hard to not live in a bubble of only LA transplants - that's what I meant and not get to know folks that grew up in the area. (Not that i would avoid people who weren't from the region).
posted by waylaid at 8:44 PM on January 5, 2015