Cat obsession
January 2, 2015 1:59 PM Subscribe
Elderly friend of the family turning into crazy cat lady. How can I be a positive person in her life?
Background:
This is about my mom's former co-worker and best friend. My mom is standoffish by nature; best friend means they feel comfortable round each other but don't necessarily share intimacies. My mom says she has only managed to remain good friends by keeping a certain distance.
She is closing on 70. She has always been generous to a fault but also demanding in relationships. I think she is the co-dependent type or at least has bad boundaries. My mom tells the story of how she befriended my mom's maternity replacement, an alcohol addict, and bought her clothes and washed her hair on the office sink, only to have the lady yell at her and never talk to her again weeks later.
She has no husband or kids, but she has a brother and nephews (who I have no contact with). She has always treated me like her nephews and is like a Godmother to me. I call her up regularly, she sends me and my kids cards and presents for Christmas etc. i like her a lot!
Catlady situation:
For several years she "adopted" a free roaming neighbourhood cat. She basically strong armed the cat into staying, by which I mean it got the choice of five expensive dishes daily and got pampered but she also insisted on following it everywhere. Like, she'd climb over hedges into people's gardens and building sites. At night, she locked the (seasoned outdoor) cat in so it couldn't go anywhere without her. She'd go to bed at six pm to convince the cat it was night, and wake up at five with it.
It started impacting our visiting, because she got anxious when she had to sit still and couldn't follow the cat to keep it safe. We stopped visiting; she stopped going anywhere, including to her brother's for Christmas. The neighbours complained she was stealing the cat from their little boy, because she demanded that all neighbours return the cat to her if it visited them.
She said shehad to do these things or she wouldn't be able to sleep because something might happen to it. She said she knew it was crazy but she couldn't help it. I told her the cat wouldn't starve if she stoppedfeeding it, she said yes but then it would stop visiting her. I worried but stopped pressing because even while she was complaining about the hassle she seemed...happy.
Things did in fact happen to it: It got first poisoned, and later cut with a knife by, she guessed, some punks in the park. She increased security measures. I began researching Munchhausen by Proxy. Eventually, the cat got savaged by dogs right next to her and died.
Honestly, I was kind of relieved. She swore that was her last cat. She grieved for an extremely long time - for a whole year she couldn't talk on the phone without bursting into tears. She couldn't go for walks because of the memories. She couldn't visit anyone.
Eventually her sister in law asked her for help refurbishing an apartment and told her she needed her desperately - and suddenly she was busy and happy again.
Except now she has co-opted a new cat. And she's doing the same things. The cat belongs to people but they don't seem to mind and she thinks they are bad cat owners so she must step in.
What do I do?
I really worry about her. I want to remain in her life but she even cuts phone calls short because of cat-related things she needs to do, and visiting is again out of question.
Is there anything positive I can do? How worried should I be? What is all this about? Is it just about being needed or is the cat a good excuse for avoiding things she is anxious about, or something?
Background:
This is about my mom's former co-worker and best friend. My mom is standoffish by nature; best friend means they feel comfortable round each other but don't necessarily share intimacies. My mom says she has only managed to remain good friends by keeping a certain distance.
She is closing on 70. She has always been generous to a fault but also demanding in relationships. I think she is the co-dependent type or at least has bad boundaries. My mom tells the story of how she befriended my mom's maternity replacement, an alcohol addict, and bought her clothes and washed her hair on the office sink, only to have the lady yell at her and never talk to her again weeks later.
She has no husband or kids, but she has a brother and nephews (who I have no contact with). She has always treated me like her nephews and is like a Godmother to me. I call her up regularly, she sends me and my kids cards and presents for Christmas etc. i like her a lot!
Catlady situation:
For several years she "adopted" a free roaming neighbourhood cat. She basically strong armed the cat into staying, by which I mean it got the choice of five expensive dishes daily and got pampered but she also insisted on following it everywhere. Like, she'd climb over hedges into people's gardens and building sites. At night, she locked the (seasoned outdoor) cat in so it couldn't go anywhere without her. She'd go to bed at six pm to convince the cat it was night, and wake up at five with it.
It started impacting our visiting, because she got anxious when she had to sit still and couldn't follow the cat to keep it safe. We stopped visiting; she stopped going anywhere, including to her brother's for Christmas. The neighbours complained she was stealing the cat from their little boy, because she demanded that all neighbours return the cat to her if it visited them.
She said shehad to do these things or she wouldn't be able to sleep because something might happen to it. She said she knew it was crazy but she couldn't help it. I told her the cat wouldn't starve if she stoppedfeeding it, she said yes but then it would stop visiting her. I worried but stopped pressing because even while she was complaining about the hassle she seemed...happy.
Things did in fact happen to it: It got first poisoned, and later cut with a knife by, she guessed, some punks in the park. She increased security measures. I began researching Munchhausen by Proxy. Eventually, the cat got savaged by dogs right next to her and died.
Honestly, I was kind of relieved. She swore that was her last cat. She grieved for an extremely long time - for a whole year she couldn't talk on the phone without bursting into tears. She couldn't go for walks because of the memories. She couldn't visit anyone.
Eventually her sister in law asked her for help refurbishing an apartment and told her she needed her desperately - and suddenly she was busy and happy again.
Except now she has co-opted a new cat. And she's doing the same things. The cat belongs to people but they don't seem to mind and she thinks they are bad cat owners so she must step in.
What do I do?
I really worry about her. I want to remain in her life but she even cuts phone calls short because of cat-related things she needs to do, and visiting is again out of question.
Is there anything positive I can do? How worried should I be? What is all this about? Is it just about being needed or is the cat a good excuse for avoiding things she is anxious about, or something?
very odd that she hasn't got her own cat. It sounds like she responds most strongly to idea that she is needed, so I wonder whether you could suggest to her that you take her to the local shelter to pick out a cat that needs a home, to adopt and love and keep indoors? Might give her something to focus on.
posted by fingersandtoes at 2:28 PM on January 2, 2015
posted by fingersandtoes at 2:28 PM on January 2, 2015
Response by poster: She insists that the last thing she wants is another cat to worry about, and it is only because of the dire need of this specific cat that she is forced to intervene. (The cat owners are maybe not the most responsible as they didn't spay, and sometimes aren't at home when the cat wants to come in. But, this cat has many sponsors and won't starve or freeze to death.) She absolutely resisted getting her own cat.
posted by Omnomnom at 2:33 PM on January 2, 2015
posted by Omnomnom at 2:33 PM on January 2, 2015
How much influence do you have over this woman? Ideally, I think getting her in front of a mental-health professional, particularly a psychiatrist, would be a good start. It sounds like she should be evaluated for an anxiety disorder, at the very minimum.
posted by jaguar at 2:38 PM on January 2, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by jaguar at 2:38 PM on January 2, 2015 [4 favorites]
Indoor cats live much longer, healthier lives than outdoor cats, so she's not wrong about worrying about a cat that's allowed to roam freely outside.
I think you need to bring her a cat from a rescue organization. One that's disabled in some way (missing eye or limb, etc.) so that she feels like it really needs her. Tell her that no one else wanted the cat but you knew she'd do right by it. And tell her that it needs to stay inside because of its disability.
A little bit sneaky, but I think it would solve the problem.
posted by Jacqueline at 2:47 PM on January 2, 2015 [9 favorites]
I think you need to bring her a cat from a rescue organization. One that's disabled in some way (missing eye or limb, etc.) so that she feels like it really needs her. Tell her that no one else wanted the cat but you knew she'd do right by it. And tell her that it needs to stay inside because of its disability.
A little bit sneaky, but I think it would solve the problem.
posted by Jacqueline at 2:47 PM on January 2, 2015 [9 favorites]
No responsible rescue is going to just give you a cat, let alone a cat to give someone else. However, I agree that somehow shoe-horning a needy (as in special needs) cat into her home to be an indoors cat is probably the best tactic to take here. Perhaps you should check the adoption procedures for your local SPCA?
posted by DarlingBri at 2:56 PM on January 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by DarlingBri at 2:56 PM on January 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
She adopted a stray cat which she continued to let outside. Her fears that something would happen to it were actually reasonable, since her cat got poisoned, then attacked by a knife, then killed by dogs. (Note: are you sure this really happened? Because that's a lot of bad luck for one cat.) Now there is another outdoor cat, in this same location, who hasn't been sterilised and regularly is forced to stay outside longer than it wishes -- of course she's worried about this cat. Have you acknowledged that her fears are reasonable? (Her actions aren't, but the fear is.)
And now you quit visiting her because of these fears, so the only thing she has in her day to day life is this cat.
I'm not sure what you can do, now, but I'd try to visit her again and not tell her that the cat was going to be just fine. You can suggest she adopts an older and/or disabled cat (young tripod cats tend to be adopted fine, btw) that she KEEPS INDOORS, and you can try to ask her for help (taking care of the kids while you do something important at home, assuming you don't want to leave her alone?), but also I would stop telling her she is wrong about this. She has reasonable fears for the safety of a cat that has lax owners in a dangerous neighbourhood.
Note: all this is assuming that the other cat did in fact suffer the way she says it did. If she made it up or hurt the cat, she probably should have a neurological workup.
posted by jeather at 3:09 PM on January 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
And now you quit visiting her because of these fears, so the only thing she has in her day to day life is this cat.
I'm not sure what you can do, now, but I'd try to visit her again and not tell her that the cat was going to be just fine. You can suggest she adopts an older and/or disabled cat (young tripod cats tend to be adopted fine, btw) that she KEEPS INDOORS, and you can try to ask her for help (taking care of the kids while you do something important at home, assuming you don't want to leave her alone?), but also I would stop telling her she is wrong about this. She has reasonable fears for the safety of a cat that has lax owners in a dangerous neighbourhood.
Note: all this is assuming that the other cat did in fact suffer the way she says it did. If she made it up or hurt the cat, she probably should have a neurological workup.
posted by jeather at 3:09 PM on January 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: She told us not to visit because she can't entertain. I even offered in that case to join her in following the cat around, I was serious about it, too. She said no.
And I have no idea whether anything she says is actually true, I can just go by what she says. And yes, I had my doubts about First Cat's string of bad luck.
posted by Omnomnom at 3:22 PM on January 2, 2015
And I have no idea whether anything she says is actually true, I can just go by what she says. And yes, I had my doubts about First Cat's string of bad luck.
posted by Omnomnom at 3:22 PM on January 2, 2015
Best answer: I think she is the co-dependent type or at least has bad boundaries. My mom tells the story of how she befriended my mom's maternity replacement, an alcohol addict, and bought her clothes and washed her hair on the office sink, only to have the lady yell at her and never talk to her again weeks later.
This.
Eventually her sister in law asked her for help refurbishing an apartment and told her she needed her desperately - and suddenly she was busy and happy again.
And this!
She is absolutely codependent. She thrives on the idea of being the one to help others who she thinks can't help themselves, or are in desperate need. I find it of special interest that she refuses to have "her own cat" but insists on protecting this other cat, that does not belong to her, from what I guess she thinks are the evil forces of its neglectful owners.
Having her own cat to look after is not her objective. Rather, her objective is to be a 'fixer' and to try to fix the problems (or, what she perceives as problems) of others. In this case, she has chosen to become codependent on animals or just cats, rather than humans. She may even see herself as a martyr or some kind of benefactor/patron saint, but rather than finding animals that are actually in dire need of rescue/care, she finds herself a kind of low-hanging fruit neighborhood outdoor cat she can easily focus in on and create a situation that may not necessarily be there (I'm not clear on if the neighborhood really is dangerous with people poisoning/stabbing/letting their dogs eat cats, and it appears you're in the same position since you said you can only go on what she says).
I would wait for her to say to you directly that she's unhappy or anxious before saying anything to her about this matter. If she brings it up, gently ask her questions about what is making her feel unhappy or anxious and just let her talk about it out loud. That's when (without accusing or using a lot of 'you' pronouns) you may have an open door to bring up the matter of talking with a therapist. If I'm right about my hunch that she's co-dependent, the therapist will work with her toward discovering that and coping with it in a healthy matter.
If you are unable to convince her that therapy may be liberating, maybe she would consider going to Al-Anon. I'm not a big fan of the AA framework but it's a good place for those with codependency issues to go and see that they are not alone. A first step. But, the important thing to remember here, as with anyone, is that she has to decide on her own that she wants to change. You can't force her to come to terms with this. If she's resistant to professional help, or even reading a book on the topic of codependency, that is her own choice.
In my experience, when you bring up getting professional help/addressing mental illness with someone and it's presented to them as the social version of a sales cold call, it will usually make the other person shut down, argue or go into even further denial.
posted by nightrecordings at 3:39 PM on January 2, 2015 [5 favorites]
This.
Eventually her sister in law asked her for help refurbishing an apartment and told her she needed her desperately - and suddenly she was busy and happy again.
And this!
She is absolutely codependent. She thrives on the idea of being the one to help others who she thinks can't help themselves, or are in desperate need. I find it of special interest that she refuses to have "her own cat" but insists on protecting this other cat, that does not belong to her, from what I guess she thinks are the evil forces of its neglectful owners.
Having her own cat to look after is not her objective. Rather, her objective is to be a 'fixer' and to try to fix the problems (or, what she perceives as problems) of others. In this case, she has chosen to become codependent on animals or just cats, rather than humans. She may even see herself as a martyr or some kind of benefactor/patron saint, but rather than finding animals that are actually in dire need of rescue/care, she finds herself a kind of low-hanging fruit neighborhood outdoor cat she can easily focus in on and create a situation that may not necessarily be there (I'm not clear on if the neighborhood really is dangerous with people poisoning/stabbing/letting their dogs eat cats, and it appears you're in the same position since you said you can only go on what she says).
I would wait for her to say to you directly that she's unhappy or anxious before saying anything to her about this matter. If she brings it up, gently ask her questions about what is making her feel unhappy or anxious and just let her talk about it out loud. That's when (without accusing or using a lot of 'you' pronouns) you may have an open door to bring up the matter of talking with a therapist. If I'm right about my hunch that she's co-dependent, the therapist will work with her toward discovering that and coping with it in a healthy matter.
If you are unable to convince her that therapy may be liberating, maybe she would consider going to Al-Anon. I'm not a big fan of the AA framework but it's a good place for those with codependency issues to go and see that they are not alone. A first step. But, the important thing to remember here, as with anyone, is that she has to decide on her own that she wants to change. You can't force her to come to terms with this. If she's resistant to professional help, or even reading a book on the topic of codependency, that is her own choice.
In my experience, when you bring up getting professional help/addressing mental illness with someone and it's presented to them as the social version of a sales cold call, it will usually make the other person shut down, argue or go into even further denial.
posted by nightrecordings at 3:39 PM on January 2, 2015 [5 favorites]
Hmm.
How active is she? I wonder if you mightn't be able to wean her off the cat by finding some kind of local shelter that also needs volunteers, then suggest that she take it to them - "oh, and hey, they need volunteers, so you could look in on this cat and still help it, but it would be safe inside where it couldn't be hurt, and you wouldn't be the only one responsible for it, everyone wins, huh?"
She'd still be the Mother-Henning angel to cats who need her, but at a much more controlled pace, and she'd also be interacting with other people.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:06 PM on January 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
How active is she? I wonder if you mightn't be able to wean her off the cat by finding some kind of local shelter that also needs volunteers, then suggest that she take it to them - "oh, and hey, they need volunteers, so you could look in on this cat and still help it, but it would be safe inside where it couldn't be hurt, and you wouldn't be the only one responsible for it, everyone wins, huh?"
She'd still be the Mother-Henning angel to cats who need her, but at a much more controlled pace, and she'd also be interacting with other people.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:06 PM on January 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
I hesitate to suggest connecting another crazy animal person to the foster community, because that does create its own issues... but if she won't keep a cat of her own, perhaps fostering cats is another (down the road) option. But from the behavior you've described, that might open up new cans of worms.
Still, there is a whole tribe of people in the fostering community that bond over understanding animals better than they do people. She might make some friends who would understand her level of protectiveness but also be another sounding board when her animal-related anxiety gets too far out there. Also, active rescue orgs often have short term, "can anyone PLEASE take this animal for the weekend (and then we'll have a spot for it)" type requests that could really meet that cat-saving need in a temporary way.
But that requires her to trust *some* other people with taking care of animals in order to work. If she's too irrational on this front, feel free to ignore my suggestion.
posted by deludingmyself at 5:43 PM on January 2, 2015
Still, there is a whole tribe of people in the fostering community that bond over understanding animals better than they do people. She might make some friends who would understand her level of protectiveness but also be another sounding board when her animal-related anxiety gets too far out there. Also, active rescue orgs often have short term, "can anyone PLEASE take this animal for the weekend (and then we'll have a spot for it)" type requests that could really meet that cat-saving need in a temporary way.
But that requires her to trust *some* other people with taking care of animals in order to work. If she's too irrational on this front, feel free to ignore my suggestion.
posted by deludingmyself at 5:43 PM on January 2, 2015
Best answer: I would very very very much advise against putting any additional animals in this woman's care. I think there is a very reasonable chance she would hurt the animals, quite possibly unintentionally, but from your description, she is not exhibiting behaviors on the "pet owner" scale but on the "person prone to hoarding or hurting animals" scale. I could very well be wrong, but I would need a qualified licensed person who had done an in-person assessment to tell me otherwise.
posted by jaguar at 6:27 PM on January 2, 2015 [9 favorites]
posted by jaguar at 6:27 PM on January 2, 2015 [9 favorites]
there is a whole tribe of people in the fostering community that bond over understanding animals better than they do people. She might make some friends who would understand her level of protectiveness but also be another sounding board when her animal-related anxiety gets too far out there. Also, active rescue orgs often have short term, "can anyone PLEASE take this animal for the weekend (and then we'll have a spot for it)" type requests that could really meet that cat-saving need in a temporary way.
This was my thought as well. There really are cats who need help, from tiny kittens who need temporary homes to abandoned strays who got in a fight. The local animal shelters often can't keep animals with special health issues, so a person like her actually could help save cats. I can't tell if she's reasonable enough to do this, though. But being part of a small group with standards for these sorts of things, and with an endless stream of needy cats, could harness this urge of hers in a productive manner.
posted by slidell at 7:14 PM on January 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
This was my thought as well. There really are cats who need help, from tiny kittens who need temporary homes to abandoned strays who got in a fight. The local animal shelters often can't keep animals with special health issues, so a person like her actually could help save cats. I can't tell if she's reasonable enough to do this, though. But being part of a small group with standards for these sorts of things, and with an endless stream of needy cats, could harness this urge of hers in a productive manner.
posted by slidell at 7:14 PM on January 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
Firstly, I really don't think this is your business at all. I mean, some kinda sorta friend of your mom's has a kooky relationship with various neighborhood stray cats. So what? Let her be. Even if you feel personally close to her (this is hard to gauge in your question), if this is what is important to her in life, so be it. It's not your place to negotiate her relationships with neighbor kids or whatever the problem here actually is. If she doesn't want to visit with you, that's her business. She's not related to you and has no obligations to you.
Secondly, if for some reason you MUST interfere, maybe suggest legitimately adopting a cat from a shelter which is already suited to life indoors and not owned by anyone else?
posted by Sara C. at 7:23 PM on January 2, 2015 [3 favorites]
Secondly, if for some reason you MUST interfere, maybe suggest legitimately adopting a cat from a shelter which is already suited to life indoors and not owned by anyone else?
posted by Sara C. at 7:23 PM on January 2, 2015 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: The reason I worry is that she is isolating herself for the cat. She spends every waking minute trailing it. That leaves her barely enough time for grocery shopping. She doesn't socialise with her own family anymore or anyone else. And she complains about it to me.
posted by Omnomnom at 10:26 PM on January 2, 2015
posted by Omnomnom at 10:26 PM on January 2, 2015
Every waking minute?! This sounds like a serious obsessive or compulsive pathology. She needs to see a mental health professional.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 10:51 PM on January 2, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 10:51 PM on January 2, 2015 [4 favorites]
Best answer: She sounds very lonely, bored and seems to suffer from a bit of neurosis. I think the most you can do is directly and clearly tell her you're worried about her and her behavior is irrational and disrupting her life. Clear examples and clear facts and genuine concern. You can gently urge her to do something that will fill up her time and give her social interaction, like volunteering somewhere and helping humans in actual need (not random neighborhood cats).
But ultimately, this isn't your problem. She's a family friend and not your responsibility. She hasn't harmed herself or anyone else and will need to take some steps on her own to try to get over this compulsion going on with her. Recommend (strongly urge) she tell her doctor about your conversation with her and wash your hands of it.
posted by AppleTurnover at 11:11 PM on January 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
But ultimately, this isn't your problem. She's a family friend and not your responsibility. She hasn't harmed herself or anyone else and will need to take some steps on her own to try to get over this compulsion going on with her. Recommend (strongly urge) she tell her doctor about your conversation with her and wash your hands of it.
posted by AppleTurnover at 11:11 PM on January 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: I've marked the answer that will work best considering my relationship with her. I hesitate to introduce another animal to her because the vibe I got was that she was heavilyinvestedin the drama of having an outdoor cat that was prone to injuries.
Thank you for the wide range of perspectives.
posted by Omnomnom at 8:08 AM on January 4, 2015
Thank you for the wide range of perspectives.
posted by Omnomnom at 8:08 AM on January 4, 2015
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This behavior sounds pretty weird, do you have an Elder Affairs or Department of Aging kind of place where you live? (I'm assuming UK due to the completely normal idea that cats should roam free.) If you can, perhaps you can arrange for someone to come by and evaluate this lady, citing these particular issues with animals.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 2:19 PM on January 2, 2015 [6 favorites]